The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 16 - Back to Californy - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "California is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

♪♪

♪♪

That's fine right
there, Mr. Brewster.

Jethro!

You can start bringin'
them things out, now.

Oh boy, I can't wait to
get back to Californy.

I ain't been warm clean
through since we got here.

Jethro, take it easy!

We been sleepin'
on a hard floor,

be awful nice to get in a
warm bed for a change.

I'll take it, Jethro.

Jethro, I said take it easy.

Granny ready?

Yeah.

She's just puttin'
on her gaiters.

I'll bring her right out.

Well, I hope you'll
come visit us in Californy.

Be mighty glad to see
you, especially Pearl.

Her and Jethrine's
comin' to stay with us.

You big overgrowed...

Let me get my shoe on,
you big overgrowed moose.

You can put it on
in the car, Granny.

We's in a hurry.

We can't leave until
somebody finds Elly May.

Where is she?

She took to the woods
early this morning,

with those two timber
wolves that she's let sleep

under her bed.

Well, I'll find her.

By doggies, it's a
good thing we're leavin'.

One more night and
she'd be bayin' at the moon.

Now you two rascals have
got to stay away from Maggie

and her family, you hear me?

Is it a deal?

All right.

Now don't you forget.

You see them,
Maggie, give their word.

And what's more, Freida's going
to keep an eagle eye on them.

If they goes to pesterin' you,
she's gonna snatch them bald.

Ain't ya, Frieda?

I wish you could come to
Beverly Hills and live with us.

But I reckon it'd
be too long a trip

for you and your young'un.

I'll come back and
see you in the spring.

Elly May!

Over here, Pa!

You got them wolves with you?

Oh, they won't pester you none.

That no bitin' promise
goes for my pa, too.

Hello there, Maggie.

Elly, honey.

Mr. Brewster's waitin',
and we got to pick up Pearl

and Jethrine and drive
clean to the airport.

Is Aunt Pearl and
Mr. Brewster gettin' married?

Well no, not yet, maybe never.

But Pearl's satisfied.

Everybody in town has
seen him propose to her.

Now she can leave
town with her chin up

and her head thrower!
Bank, proud and happy.

I'll bet you Cousin
Jethrine ain't happy.

She says she ain't
going to Californy

and leave her
sweetie Jazzbo Depew.

She's powerful in love
with that little feller.

I reckon Jethrine will do pretty
much what her ma tells her to.

Pearl's a mighty
strong-willed woman.

Jethrine, it's purt near
time for them to pick us up.

Now, no more sulking,
you're coming to California.

I don't want to hear no
more argument about it.

Okay, Ma.

I'm comin'!

What in the world
have you got there?

It's a trunk, Ma.

Well, I can see that,
but what you got in it?

Well, I got some clothes, and
some shoes, and some food,

and some water.

I forgot the water.

Water, why...

Jazzbo Depew!

Oh'.!

Mrs. Bodine, that
daughter of yours

is a mighty strong-willed girl.

Did she put you in there?

I think so.

I told her I couldn't go
to California with her.

And that's the last
thing I remember.

Ma, don't let him get away!

Jethrine, you put him down!

This minute!

What's the matter with you?

Why that poor boy could
suffocate in that trunk

without no air.

Jethrine, am I going to
have to take a switch to you?

Jethrine, honey,
like I told you,

I can't just pick up and go.

I got a big business going here.

Well, couldn't you be a
travelin' salesman in Californy?

Darlin', it's taken me years
to build up this territory.

And this is my
big selling season.

Why I'd knock down $100 in
the next two or three months.

And a fella don't walk away
from a gold mine like that.

He's talkin' sense, Jethrine.

But Uncle Jed's a millionaire,
and Cousin Elly says

they got plenty of
room in that mansion.

He could stay there with us.

Jethrine, I got my pride.

Why, I'd rather die
than take charity

from my sweetheart's kinfolk.

Oh... you can write
to one another.

Of course.

And I'll be here
when you get back.

Oh, there they are.

Now, Jethrine, you
get ready to leave.

Oh, Mr. Brewster, I
thought it was my boy Jethro

and Cousin Jed come
to pick up the suitcases.

Well no, I asked them to
let me come for them, I...

Well, you see...

This may be my last chance
to see you alone for a moment.

Alone?

You? Me? Us?

Well, why would you...

Well, first, I want to thank
you for publicly breaking

our engagement after I lost
my head as I did last night.

Oh, shucks!

I didn't mean it when I
said yes, it was just nerves,

and the excitement
of the moment.

Well, you were
very sweet about it.

Yeah, well but now
that my head is clear

and I'm thinkin' straight,

well, I realize I couldn't
get married right now.

Some man would
lose a wonderful wife.

My goodness, I got family
obligations, you know.

Why, Cousin Jed's been
after me three or four months

to come to Beverly Hills and
get that wild daughter of his

proper dressed
and actin' like a lady.

I'm going to miss
you, Mrs. Bodine.

Yes, well, he's in
desperate need of me.

I don't know what come
over me last evening,

but after I had a good night's
sleep and a morning coffee,

got my wits together,

well, I could just
laugh at myself

for even considering marriage.

Mrs. Bodine, I just want to say

that I think you're
a splendid woman

and I'm sure our
paths will cross again,

and, well, I'd consider it a
great honor if you'd allow me

to kiss you goodbye.

Kiss?

Me?

Well, I hardly think there'd
be anything wrong with that!

Need some help, Mr. Brewster?

Is that a new hat, Aunt Pearl?

Hat, what hat?

Oh, land's sake!

Elly May, look.

Jethrine's in there sayin'
goodbye to her sweetie,

Jazzbo Depew.

So, why don't you go in and
say goodbye to him too, huh?

All right.

I ain't never met him.

Jethrine, you're just
goin' to have to get it

through your head, I
cannot go to California

and that's that.

Howdy.

Well, hi Cousin Elly.

This here's my
sweetie, Jazzbo Depew.

Howdy, Jazzbo.

And a great big howdy to you.

This girl is the cousin
you've been tellin' me about?

Yeah, Jazzbo.

She's the one we'll be
stayin' with in Californy.

Well, poke me another
air hole, baby, and let's go.

Ah, good morning, Chief.

Morning.

Well, I just had a call
from Brewster in Tulsa.

The Clampetts are
on their way home.

Jethro?

Oh, I mean the Clampetts.

Yes, and their bringing a
cousin and her daughter along,

that'll be six of them.

I think I'd better order
an extra limousine.

Chief, if I may suggest,
the personal touch

is very important
to these people.

And they are the
bank's largest depositors.

I would be happy to
volunteer my car and myself.

I could take at
least half the load.

Jethro.

And the luggage.

See, Chief, I have bucket seats

and Jethro is quite a bucketful.

How's about three apiece, Chief?

Fine.

Be ready to leave for
the airport about noon.

Entendu, mon capitaine.

Time to leave for the
airport, Miss Hathaway.

Right.

I can't believe my eyes.

Don't be alarmed, chief.

This is just for the Clampetts.

I have no intention of
disrupting office discipline

with my seductive appearance.

Well, it's a remarkable change.

Three hours in the beauty salon.

Tell me, are you busy tonight?

Oh, Chief.

Because if you're
not, I'd like you to work

and make up those three hours.

They could've missed the plane.

Oh, impossible.

Brewster phoned me
after he put them on board.

Oh, Miss.

Are there any more
passengers aboard?

Yes, there are six.

Well, they appear
to be hillbillies.

Is anything wrong with them?

Oh, no.

You see, we served
lunch before we arrived,

and they refuse
to leave the plane

until they help do the dishes.

And we served 120 lunches.

Oh, here they come.

Flight 201 for
Chicago and New York

is now loading in
the east concourse.

Oh, thank you for
sharing your food with us.

Thank you for doing the dishes.

You sure you don't want
us to wash the windows?

It won't take long
if we all pitch in.

No, thank you.

Mr. Drysdale, howdy.

Welcome home, Mr. Clampett.

This here is my
cousin, Pearl Bodine.

Oh, howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

Oh, excuse my wet hand.

Oh, it's quite all right.

Well, how did you
enjoy your plane ride?

I don't believe it.

I plain don't believe
it, it's a miracle!

Oh, that ain't nothin'.

You ain't seen nothin', Pearl.

Wait till we ride
on that escalator.

Yes, well, my car is out
in front, Mr. Clampett.

Come on.

Mon amour.

That ain't my name.

Who are you?

I am a wild and
mysterious gypsy.

I have come to take you
away to my gypsy camp.

You got some food there?

But of course.

Well, I can't stay long.

Bu“ am kind of hungry.

Oh!

Helpin' them wash
all them dishes

gave me quite an appetite.

Jed!

Them stairs is movin'!

We're havin' a
California earthquake!

Now, Pearl, them stairs is
supposed to move like that.

What for?

I don't know, but that's
what they call a escalator.

Only thing is, last
time we was here,

it was movin' the other way.

Well, come on.

Well, we ain't gonna
get on them crazy stairs!

Ah, come on, Pearl, once
you're on there, you'll like it.

No!

Welcome home, Elly May!

Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

Welcome home, Granny.

Thank you.

Well, where's Jethrine?

Last I saw of her,
she was still eatin'.

Well, now that
wasn't bad, was it?

No, it was fun!

Let's go up and ride down again.

Whoa, no, Pearl,
it's fun all right,

but it just ain't worth fightin'
your way back upstream.

Jed.

This place is haunted.

What?

A ghost just went
through that door.

That ain't no ghost,
Pearl, that's what they call

a electric eye.

They got them all over out here.

Well, you go first.

I ain't takin' no chances
on crowdin' a spook.

Come on, Granny.

I ain't gonna get on that!

Come on, Granny!

Hold on, Granny!

Well, howdy there.

Hi.

So this is Californy.

It's so warm.

And the air smells
different from the mountains.

Yup, looks different, too.

Out here you can see
what you're breathin'.

Yeah, got a lot of body to it.

I tell you Pearl,
there are some days

when you can
cut it with a knife.

But don't try, because it
gets the knife awful smudgy.

We can wait here
in Mr. Drysdale's car

until the rest of them come.

I'll go with Martin to
take the luggage around

to the servant's entrance.

I can't believe it.

I seen pictures, but
I just can't believe it.

It ain't real.

It's real, Ma.

Jethrine, don't
you knock no holes

in your Uncle Jed's mansion.

Ah, she can't hurt it, Pearl.

Wait till you see inside, Pearl.

It's the biggest bunch of
indoors you ever did see.

Why, it's a palace.

There just ain't
no other word for it.

It's a dad-blamed palace.

How do you get it
started, Uncle Jed?

Get what started?

These here stairs.

Ain't they like the
ones at the airport?

No, you got to
climb those yourself.

Come on, Jethrine,
I'll show you upstairs.

Granny, how do you
ever wash that thing?

Ain't washed it yet, Pearl.

Oh?

Well, don't you worry.

I'll do it.

Oh Pearl, now this
here is what they call

the drawin' room.

Drawin' room?

Wait till you see this pian-y.

The whole thing is hand-painted.

Here, Pearl.

Ain't that just about
the prettiest pian-y

you ever did see?

They got pictures on it.

Hm.

Tsk tsk tsk.

Look at the dust.

Granny, did you run
up them curtains?

No.

They was here when we came.

Well, soon as we get settled,
I'll run up some new ones.

Them windows ain't
been washed in weeks.

Well, Pearl, you know
this is a mighty big house.

It'd take a miracle
woman to get it all done.

Looks like I come
just in time, huh?

Where's the kitchen, Jed?

I'll show you.

32 rooms in this house,
and somethin' tells me

it ain't goin' to be big enough.

Pa, where's Aunt Pearl?

Her and Granny's
in that little room

they call a butler's pantry.

Well, this is a nice
enough kitchen, Granny,

but it sure ain't as big
as you led me to believe.

Pearl, this...

Where in the world is the stove?

The stove is...

This here's the barest
cupboard I ever did see,

but I reckon if you ain't got
a stove, you don't need food.

Pearl, this room...

Well, Pearl, what do you think?

Well, I think I should've
brought my coal oil stove.

For your information,
Miss Pearl, we got gas.

Well, I don't wonder.

Nothin' but uncooked food.

This here pump is stuck
tight, it ain't been used so long.

Pearl.

You know, Granny, we
got a lot of work to do

to get this kitchen in shape.

Granny, did you tell
Pearl this is the kitchen?

I ain't been able
to tell Pearl nothin'!

She won't quit flappin'
her trap long enough.

Pearl, come on.

This here is the kitchen.

That there is what
they call a pantry.

My stars and garters!

Why, a person could
feed an army in here.

Well the way those two
young'uns of yours eat,

that's just what
you'll have to do.

Pearl, look at this stove here.

All you have to do to get
the fire is turn one of them

little things right here without
lightin' no matches nor nothin'.

Now look here.

This here lights this one
here, this one lights this one.

And this one
lights this one here.

And this one lights this one.

What do you
think of that, Pearl?

I declare!

I'm just speechless.

That'll be the day.

Pearl, look at
this ice box here.

Just take a look, you ever
seen anything like that before?

Look at that.

Well, I don't like
to mention it, Jed,

but somebody left the
light a-burnin' in there.

Pearl...

I reckon some
people just don't care

how they waste
other people's money.

The light comes on
when you open the door.

You don't say?

He purt near didn't with
you poundin' your gums.

Aunt Pearl?

Aunt Pearl, Jethrine wants
to know where's the suitcases.

Especially the big one
with the sandwiches in it.

Well, Jethro said he'd
bring in the suitcases...

Jethro.

What happened to my boy?

Where's Jethro?

Well, the last time I seen him,

a dark-haired gypsy woman
was a-takin' him away.

Gypsies got him.

My baby's been carried
off by the gypsies!

Don't worry, Pearl, one meal
and they'll carry him right back.

We might have it
a little bit mixed up.

Besides, Jethro's big
enough to take care of hisself.

Yeah, my ma's in
here, come on in!

My baby, where ya been?

With a gypsy woman.

We stopped to get
somethin' to eat.

I told you one meal and
they'd bring him back.

You gypsy kidnapper.

I'm going to snatch you bald!

Miss Hathaway?

What you doin' bein' a gypsy?

Just a little harmless
fun, Mr. Clampett.

When Jethro failed
to recognize me,

I couldn't resist
continuing the masquerade.

Ma, this here's Miss Hathaway,
Mr. Drysdale's secretary.

I'm happy to know
you, Mrs. Bodine.

I brought your son
back safe and sound.

Well, thank you.

Here's your hair back.

How about stayin' for
supper, Miss Hathaway?

Oh, I wouldn't want
to be any trouble.

I figured with company to table,

there wouldn't be
so much trouble.

Wait till you taste
Granny's sweet potato pie.

Ain't nobody can make
sweet potato pie like my ma.

Now, they is both very
fine, extra good cooks,

but Pearl not knowin' her
way around the kitchen,

I reckon that...

Oh, well don't you worry
none about that, Jed.

I'll have this kitchen
put in order in no time.

It ain't out of order.

Elly, you get rid of the
ants, I'll start to cookin'.

What ants?

Start with your Aunt Pearl.

Well, I like that!

I'll bet you you won't like
what I'm goin' to say next.

Now, girls, I got a idea.

Now, Pearl, you know there
ain't nothin' more soothin'

and appetizin' than a
mess of pian-y playin'

and sweet singin' before supper.

But I figure a body
can't be doin' that

and cookin' at the same time.

No, I don't think they
hardly could, Jed.

Right, now somebody
get Mr. Drysdale.

We'll all sit around
while supper's cookin',

and listen to the kind of
music that has made the name

of Bodine famous from
Oxford to Eureky Springs.

Oh, Pa.

It's purt near suppertime.

Want me to start
settin' the table?

Yeah.

And let's use that
big company table

in the fancy eatin' room.

Okay, Pa.

Would you help me
get the chairs around it?

Why, sure.

Leave the door open so
as we can here the music.

Okay, Pa.

I'm kind of glad we got
company so we can show off

this fine eatin' table.

Yeah, we ain't used
it since Thanksgiving.

Has Granny figured out a way

to get this tablecloth
unstuck yet?

No, she ain't, Pa.

She even tried to steam it off.

She couldn't get it loose.

She said if she
didn't know better,

she'd think somebody
stuck it down on purpose.

Well, I'm glad I got all
my pot passers notched.

They'll come in real handy, see?

You see a pot out there
you want, you can reach for it,

get it, or pass it
without botherin'

the fella sittin' next to you.

Yeah, the good thing
about this table is things

can't go a-slidin' off.

Oh, I got to tell Granny.

Since we're goin'
to use this table,

she can leave the
vittles right in the pots.

Mmm, doggies.

Ain't Pearl gettin' fancy?

- Eh!
- Oh!

Ever see anybody bake
a fluffier pie than that one?

Hm!

Some folks don't know that
cake is fluffy and pies is juicy.

Hm.

It fell!

You did that on
purpose, Pearl Bodine.

Ha ha ha.

My pie can't fall.

It can't, huh?

Just did.

Granny!

Pearl.

I ain't never heard you
play the pian-y any prettier

than you're
a-playin' it right...

You ain't playin' the pian-y.

You betcha I ain't!

♪ Just before the
battle, Mother ♪

♪ I am thinking most of you ♪

♪ Just before the
battle, Mother... ♪

♪ How I Wish,
dear sweet Mother ♪

♪ You were here beside me ♪

I feel the same way, Jethrine.

Mr. Drysdale, have
I got enough money

to take everybody out
to a nice eatin' place?

Mr. Clampett, with
your money, you can buy

the finest restaurant
in Beverly Hills.

Before the battle's over that's
just what I might have to do.

Come on, everybody.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say goodbye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Sit a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways presentation.