The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 15 - Jed Rescues Pearl - full transcript

Since Mr. Brewster doesn't want to get married, but since the whole county knows that Cousin Pearl had her hat set for him, Jed comes up with a plan for her to save face by having Mr. Brewster proposed in public and then have her turn him down. Jed didn't count on Mr. Brewster's background in the theater and him making a huge production out of it.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

♪♪

♪ Instead of Californy, where
the sun so warmly shines ♪

♪ Tonight we find the Clampetts
in their cabin in the pines ♪

♪ The weather is so cold
hot coffee freezes in the cup ♪

♪ And when the
chickens lay their eggs ♪

♪ They lay 'em standin' up. ♪

Woo doggies, gonna
be a cold one tonight.

Somebody better get
ready to pry that sun up

in the morning
and get it started.

Yeah, sure will
be glad to get back

to that nice warm
mansion in Beverly Hills.

It ain't no fun sleepin'
on this cold, hard floor.

That's a fact.

You think that's bad?

You ought to try sharin' a room

with that wild
daughter of your'n.

Leastways you got a bed.

That ain't a bed.

That's a nest, a roost, and
a den, and a hutch all in one.

Is them animal friends
of Elly's still comin' in

at night, Granny?

Everything that can
get through the window.

Why don't you shut the window?

'Cause I can't sleep
without fresh air.

Especially with that
third party in bed with us.

What third party?

Elly, can you come out here
and bring your friend with ya?

Yeah, Granny.

Now, don't you
worry about it, Granny.

I'll chuck it out,
whatever it is.

You got to get your sleep.

Did you want us, Granny?

Your pa wants that polecat.

Give it to him.

Now, wait a minute...
Don't point that thing at me.

We don't want to get drove
outdoors on a night like this.

Well, don't you want him, Pa?

I just want to say that
Granny'd appreciate it

if you'd have this little feller
sleep with his own family.

All right, I'll go
get the others in.

No, no, no!

Outdoors with his family.

Otherwise, when we go
to California, they might not

take him back in.

And if a skunk ain't
welcome with his own fam’ly,

he just about ain't
got nobody to turn to.

All right, I'll put
him out the window.

Uncle Jed, why can't we go
back to Beverly Hills right away?

Reckon we can tell
him the truth, Granny?

I reckon he's big enough.

Well, you see, we promised
your ma we'd stay here

and help her 'til she gets
herself married to Mr. Brewster.

Well, how long will that take?

Well, hadn't oughta take long.

She's got him boarding
in your room now

where she can get at him.

Pearl told me
tonight's the night.

She's gonna feed him
into a stupor, then set him

in the parlor and sing
to him until he proposes.

That's a powerful combination...
Pearl's cookin' and singin'.

Yeah.

If he can get got,
Pearl will get him.

Ain't that a precious picture?

Niagry Falls.

Where the honeymooners go.

Understand they're havin'
special winter rates there now.

I think I'd better turn in.

I've got to get
up awfully early.

No, no, no, no!

You set down and relax.

Jethrine and me's got a
special surprise for you.

It isn't food, is it?

Food for the soul
and the spirit... music.

What would you like to hear?

Oh, anything you'd like to sing.

Well, I'll just pick out
somethin' at random.

Let's try this, Jethrine.

♪ Oh, promise me ♪

♪ That someday you and I ♪

♪ Will take our love together ♪

♪ To some sky ♪

♪ Where we can be alone ♪

♪ And faith renew... ♪

Uncle Jed? Uncle Jed?

What's got them wolves
so stirred up tonight?

I don't know, but something
sure is settin' them off.

Dad blamed, can't sleep a wink.

"Go to the right, Granny.

Go to the left, Granny."

Those wolves keepin'
you awake, too, Granny?

They sure is.

Howlin' goes right through ya.

It ain't their hollerin'
that's gettin' me,

it's their snorin'.

Snorin'?

Look for yourself.

Elly's got two of
'em under the bed.

Granny, we got to get that
girl back to Beverly Hills.

She's going right back
to being a wild cougar.

What's y'all all doing out here?

Trying to keep warm.

Sure is cold in there
without you, Granny.

Mind if I join you?

I reckon so, if you don't
mind a little human company

for a change.

Uncle Jed, we just gotta get
ourselves back to Beverly Hills.

We will, Jethro, soon as your Ma

gets proper hitched
to Mr. Brewster.

Bless you.

Oh, Pearl, give it
all you got tonight.

Or we's all gonna be
down with p-neumony.

♪ Just a song at twilight ♪

♪ When the lights are low ♪

♪ And the flickerin' shadows ♪

♪ Softly come and go... ♪

♪ Home joys divine ♪

♪ Home joys so pure ♪

♪ Love ever faithful ♪

♪ And love... ♪

♪ Ever sure. ♪

Well, that was a
wonderful concert.

You both are unusually talented.

- Thank you.
- Yes indeed.

That means a lot
coming from you.

Naturally folks round
here brag on us.

In fact, they think we ought
to go on a concert tour.

Oh, really?

Oh, yes.

My neighbors is always
after me to sing out of town.

Well, I can understand that.

Uh, Mr. Brewster, do you
really like music and singing?

Well, I used to.

I mean, I used to sing a lot
myself in college musicals,

amateur theatricals.

Was you on the
stage, Mr. Brewster?

Oh, yes, yes.

After college, I did quite
a bit of little theater work,

summer stock.

Matter of fact, there was a
time when I seriously considered

the stage as my career.

Ma, Mr. Brewster's an actor!

Well, not any longer.

My father had other ideas.

He insisted I get
into the oil business.

Mr. Brewster, did you ever do
anything from the Bard of Avon?

That Shakespeare,
oh, I just love him.

Well, as a matter of fact,
I once played the lead

in Romeo and Juliet.

Which one was you?

I was Romeo.

In my youth, I was considered
quite a leading man type.

And there were those who thought
I had rather a handsome profile.

Well, you still got it.

And I'll bet you can
act to beat the band.

Oh, come on...
Take off a part for us.

Something from Shakespeare.

Sit down, Jethrine.

Well, I doubt if I can
remember anything.

Oh, please, Mr. Brewster.

Well, uh, perhaps I
can recall something

from the balcony scene.

Let's see now, how does it go?

But soft.

What light through
yonder window breaks?

It is the east and
Juliet is the sun.

Arise, fair sun, and
kill the envious moon,

who is already sick
and pale with grief

that thou her maid are
far more fair than she.

Go to bed, Jethrine.

Well, I think I'll turn in now.

Oh, uh, please, do some
more of them love speeches

from Shakespeare.

Well, my throat
is a little sore.

I think I'd better gargle
a little warm salt water

and go to bed.

Well, I can take care of you!

That's another one
of my specialties...

Nursin' the sick.

Well, it might be the flu bug.

And you wouldn't
want to catch it.

Good night.

If his flu bug is as
hard to catch as he is,

I got nothin' to worry about.

Uncle Jed, have you ever
knowed it to be so cold?

Never have, Jethro.

Ah, this ain't cold.

Your blood has thinned
out from living in Californy.

You say this ain't cold, Granny?

Look who else is
huddled up to the fire...

Elly and her wolves.

Still cold this mornin', Granny.

Cold?

You call this cold?

Why, I remember a winter
mornin' that was so cold,

that when I went to milk
the cow the milk froze

'fore it hit the pail.

Had to break it off in sticks.

Yes, sir, I carried a
double armful of milk in

and never spilt a stick!

Gee, Granny, how'd
you drink it, bite on it?

No.

But you did!

You're in a right good
mood this mornin'.

Jed, I got a feelin' in my bones
that Pearl got him last night.

Pa, I seen Mr. Brewster's
car comin' down the road,

and Aunt Pearl's with him.

I told ya!

My bones is never wrong.

When's the weddin', Pearl?

Gonna be married in church?

Yeah, let us see
your ring, Pearl.

You want me to carry
Mr. Brewster over the threshold

for you, Ma?

She don't look too happy.

She don't sound
too happy, neither.

Oh, all womenfolk cry when
they're about to get married.

I didn't get him.

Oh'.!

Did you try your best, Pearl?

Oh, Granny, I throwed
the book at him...

Cookin', sewin', singin'.

I even nursed
him through the flu.

Got him well in five minutes.

But he didn't propose.

Jed,

you go out there and do your
duty to your female cousin.

Ask that city fella which he'd
rather get... married or buried!

Now, Granny, I don't hold
with gettin' folks married

unless they's willin'.

Pearl's got enough
willin' for both of 'em.

And you gonna make
a liar outta my bones?

Well, I'll have a talk
with Mr. Brewster.

Where'd he go, Pearl?

He said he was
gonna park the car

on the warm side of the cabin.

But he must've run off.

After him, everybody!

We'll head him off at the pass
and shoot him down like a dog!

Now, you hold on.

You ain't shootin' nobody down.

Just simmer down.

Why, he didn't run off at all.

Except we'll need you,
Elly, to get him back in here.

How come?

Looks like a couple
of your friends

is sizin' him up for breakfast.

Well, in all sincerity,
Mr. Clampett, your cousin Pearl

is a very remarkable woman.

It's just that, well, I
don't want to get married.

Oh, I understand that,
Mr. Brewster, and I thank you

for speaking the
truth like a man.

But my cousin Pearl
has got herself a problem.

Oh? What's that?

Well, ain't no
secrets in the hills.

Everybody and his dog
knows that you've been boardin'

with her over at her place,

and they all know she's
had her cap set for you.

Oh, I ain't blamin'
you, Mr. Brewster.

Jed?

Did he say yes?

Can we come out now?

Not yet a while, Granny.

Well, if you're too
chicken to shoot him,

Elly's got her
wolves standing by.

Mr. Brewster, in order
to save my cousin Pearl

from shame, I'm gonna
ask you to do me a big favor.

Anything I can do.

I want you to propose to
her in front of somebody.

But...

And let her turn
you down, of course.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

Of course.

Yes, that'll save face.

Well, Pearl will know that
she's supposed to turn me down?

Oh, sure... we'll have an
understanding with Pearl.

Now, the one I think you
ought to propose in front of

is Elverna Bradshaw.

You know, Mr. Clampett, this
idea of yours is quite inspired.

Oh, just a notion.

You see, Elverna is the
biggest gossip in the hills.

No, really, it's brilliant.

It combines drama, pathos,
suspense, it has a happy ending,

great third act curtain.

It's real theater!

'Course, you'll have to be
convincing so Elverna will...

Convincing?

Why, I'll give a performance
the people of these hills

will remember as
long as they live.

Well, just so that...

When Pearl Bodine

turns down my impassioned
proposal of marriage,

there won't be a
dry eye in the house!

Elverna don't cry easy.

Oh, well, now, surely
you're not going to waste

this dramatic scene
before just one person.

Well, I reckon
Elverna's daughter...

I've got it, I've got it.

The movie house where
Pearl plays the piano.

You want to propose there?

Well, it's perfect.

Everybody in town will see it.

Won't it kinda shame
ya, to be turned down

in front of all them people?

Well, it's just a performance.

I've learned one
thing in the theater...

An actor always gives
a better performance

in front of a full house.

Well, doggies.

That sure is nice of ya.

Oh, it's my pleasure,
Mr. Clampett.

Uh, Mrs. Bodine?

Granny, come on in.

Come on in, everybody.

How 'bout it, Uncle
Jed, how 'bout it?

Calm down, everybody.

I reckon we better let
Mr. Brewster tell you

what's gonna happen.

Well, tonight, at the
movie house, Mrs. Bodine,

while the whole town looks on,

I'm going to ask
you to marry me.

I got me a daddy,
I got me a daddy!

I think that this calls
for a whopping big snort!

Now, will y'all quiet down,
everybody, until you hear

the rest of the story?

Now Pearl, when Mr. Brewster
asks you to marry him,

you're gonna say no.

Not unless I'm as
drunk as you are.

- Howdy, Pearl.
- Come in.

- Evenin', Pearl.
- Hey, Granny.

Jethro went on ahead
down to the theater

to get a fire
going in the stove.

Where's Jethrine, Aunt Pearl?

Why, she's in her
room gettin' dressed.

Go on in and see her.

Granny, what happened
to your mink coat?

This is it.

Tonight's kinda special, so
I'm wearing the pretty side out.

You sure got your pretty
side out tonight, Pearl.

Oh, I tell ya, Jed, I'm
as nervous as if I was

gonna get a real,
honest-to-goodness proposal.

And it would be real
if your cousin Jed

would do his duty and hold a
shotgun on that fella Brewster.

Now, ladies, let's
settle for what we got.

This way, Pearl can
come to California

without nobody sayin'
she left town in disgrace.

Good evening. Good evening.

Ain't you dressed up.

That boiled shirt makes
your face look kinda dark.

Well, as a matter of fact,

I'm wearing a little
theatrical makeup.

Mrs. Bodine, how would you
like some pancake on your face?

How'd you like some
sweet potato pie on yours?

Now, Pearl.

Fetch me some hot possum
grease, Pearl, and I'll fling it on him!

Now, ladies, you
misunderstood me.

Pancake is a type of
makeup we use in the theater.

An actor, like myself,

would feel positively
undressed without it.

I thought you was a oil man.

Well, that's my business.

But at heart, I shall
always be an actor.

See now, speakin' of actin',
you two got it figured out

what you want to say?

Oh, yeah, we rehearsed 12 times.

Um, Mr. Brewster will
be settin' on the front row.

And when the picture's
over, he'll jump up...

Excuse me.

I've been thinking about that.

I believe it would be more
effective if I made an entrance.

Entrance?

Yes, I'll come down the aisle.

Oh. Oh, all right.

And then Mr. Brewster's
gonna say, "Mrs. Bodine,

"don't go to Californy
with your cousin Jed.

Stay here and be my wife."

Uh... I've been
thinking about that, too.

After a big entrance
down the aisle,

that's going to seem like a
pretty flat opening speech.

Well, you just say
what you wanna say.

All I gotta say is, "No,
I won't marry you."

If that's Homer Winch, I'm
gonna hit him right in the head.

Excuse me.

Evenin', Pearl.

EN Etna Bradshaw,
What are you doing here?

Well, you and me
being such close friends,

I just thought I'd offer
to play pian-y for you

at the theater tonight.

Why?

Surely you're not going
to show up and have folks

whispering behind your
back all during the picture.

What in the world would
they be whispering about?

Pearl, I'm your best friend.

You don't have
to pretend with me.

The whole town knows how
you've been flinging yourself

at that boarder of yours.

For your information,
Elverna Bradshaw,

Mr. Brewster proposed
to me 12 times today,

and 12 times I turned him down.

Is that why he give
you this here mink coat?

'Cause you turned him down?

This here mink coat was
give to me by my niece,

Elly May Clampett.

Oh, Pearl, I keep tellin' ya,
you don't have to pretend

with me.

I'm your best friend.

When Elverna Bradshaw
is your best friend,

you're up to your
eyeballs in enemies.

Mr. Brewster, if you was to
go in there now and propose

in front of Elverna, you
could save yourself a trip

to the theater, and the news
would get around a heap quicker.

You don't understand,
Mr. Clampett.

An actor needs an audience.

Elverna, if you don't
mind, I'd like you

to get out of my coat
and out of my house.

I'm gonna be late
for the theater.

Pearl, take your
best friend's advice

and sneak out of town quietly.

You can depend on me
to smooth everything over.

Thanks for nothin'.

Ha!

Farewell performance is right.

I reckon she'll sneak
out of town in a hurry

if she ain't already snuck.

Mind ya, Pearl's my best
friend, and I ain't one to talk, but...

Good evenin', ladies.

You too, Elverna.

I notice Mr. Brewster
wasn't with her.

Oh, and did you
see that mink coat?

Well, I wouldn't trade
this little band of gold

and a home-lovin' husband
for a dozen mink coats.

Would I, Luke?

Luke?

Luke Bradshaw!

Oh, that sneak,
he got away again.

Stop the picture!

Stop the picture!

Stop the picture!

All right, Charlie!

Mrs. Bodine,

I just saw that poster out
front... farewell performance.

Does that mean you are leaving?

Oh, yes, Mr. Brewster.

I'm going to Californy with
my cousin Jed and his family.

No, no, no, please.

Please, I beg you, I
implore you, I beseech you,

don't go!

Stay here and be me wife.

No, thank you, Mr. Brewster.

I cannot,

I will not accept that answer.

For I love you, Pearl Bodine.

I love you with all me
heart, with all me soul.

I love you as no man has
ever loved woman before!

He's better than
Francis X. Bushman.

Be mine, Pearl, be mine.

I'm back here, Mr. Brewster.

No, Mr. Brewster,
my answer is no.

Then me life has come to an end.

For what is life without love?

If I was him, I'd
let it go at that.

Without Pearl Bodine,
there is no love.

Oh, me darling,

oh, me precious!

Say those words that will
make me the happiest of men.

I'm behind you.

My answer is still no.

Better quit while you're
ahead, Mr. Brewster.

Oh, how those words
stab me to me heart

like cold steel.

And only you, Pearl Bodine,
can heal the mortal wound.

Oh...

Moon of me desire,
marry me, Pearl.

No.

I promise you a
life of happiness.

No.

A life of luxury.

No.

Oh, me darling, look
into me tear-stained eyes!

Look into the tortured
face of your love slave.

Free me with that
one divine word!

Say yes.

Say yes.

And together, we
will enter a paradise

of love everlasting.

Yes, yes, yes, I'll marry you!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Did you say yes?

Yes!

If Pearl hadn't said
yes, I was ready myself.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways presentation.