The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 14 - No Place Like Home - full transcript

COME AND LISTEN TO MY STORY

‘BOUT A MAN NAMED JED,

A POOR MOUNTAINEER

BARELY KEPT HIS FAMILY FED.

AND THEN ONE DAY

HE WAS SHOOTIN AT SOME FOOD,

AND UP THROUGH THE GROUND

COME A BUBBLING CRUDE.

OIL THAT IS,

BLACK GOLD,

TEXAS TEA.

WELL THE FIRST THING YOU KNOW

OL' JED'S A MILLIONAIRE,

THE KIN FOLKS SAID,

"JED, MOVE AWAY FROM THERE".

SAID, "CALIFORNY IS THE
PLACE YOU OUGHT TO BE",

SO THEY LOADED UP THE TRUCK

AND THEY MOVED TO BEVERLY,

HILLS THAT IS,

SWIMMING POOLS,

MOVIE STARS.

THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.

NOW COME ALONG AND VISIT

WITH THE CLAMPETT FAMILY

AS THEY LEARN
THE SIMPLE PLEASURES

OF THE HILLS OF BEVERLY

AND THAT INCLUDES THE PRODUCTS

OF YOUR SPONSOR OF THE WEEK

THE CEREALS OF KELLOGGS

KELLOGGS OF BATTLE CREEK

K-E-DOUBLE L, O DOUBLE GOOD

KELLOGG'S BEST TO You.

INSTEAD OF CALIFORNY

WHERE THE SUN'S
SO WARMLY SHINES

TONIGHT WE FIND THE CLAMPETTS

IN THEIR CABIN IN THE PINES

THE WEATHER {S SO COLD

HOT COFFEE FREEZES IN THE CUP

AND WHEN THE
CHICKENS LAY THEIR EGGS

THEY LAY 'EM STANDIN' UP

WELL, DOGGY!

IT'S GONNA BE
A COLD ONE TONIGHT!

SOMEBODY BETTER GET READY

TO PRY THAT SUN UP IN
THE MORNING AND GET STARTED.

YEAH, SURE WILL BE GLAD

TO GET BACK TO THAT NICE WARM
MANSION IN BEVERLY HILLS.

IT AIN'T NO FUN SLEEPIN'
ON THIS COLD HARD FLOOR.

MMM, THAT'S A FACT.

YOU THINK THAT'S BAD?

YOU OUGHTA TRY SHARING A ROOM

WITH THAT WILD
DAUGHTER OF YOUR'N.

LEASTWAYS YOU GOT A BED.

THAT AIN'T A BED.

THAT'S A NEST,

A ROOST,

AND A DEN

AND A HUTCH ALL IN ONE.

IS THAT ANIMAL
FRIENDS OF ELLY'S

STILL COMIN’
IN AT NIGHT, GRANNY?

EVERYTHING THAT CAN
GET THROUGH THE WINDOW.

WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE WINDOW?

‘CAUSE I CAN'T SLEEP
WITHOUT FRESH AIR,

ESPECIALLY WITH THAT
THIRD PARTY IN BED WITH US.

WHAT THIRD PARTY?

ELLY!

CAN YOU COME OUT HERE

AND BRING YOUR
FRIEND WITH YA'?

YEAH, GRANNY.

NOW, DON'T YOU WORRY
ABOUT IT, GRANNY.

MLL CHUCK IT OUT,
WHATEVER IT IS.

YOU GOTTA GET YOUR SLEEP.

EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT GRANNY?.

YOUR PA WANTS THAT POLECAT.

GIVE IT TO 'EM.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE, DON'T
POINT THAT THING AT MEI!

I DON'T WANNA GET DROVE
OUTDOORS ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS.

WELL, DON'T YOU WANT 'EM, PA?

I JUST WANT TO SAY

THAT GRANNY'D APPRECIATE IT

IF YOU'D HAVE THIS
LITTLE FELLER SLEEP

WITH HIS OWN FAMILY.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO
GIT THE OTHERS IN.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

OUTDOORS WITH HIS FAMILY.

OTHERWISE WHEN
WE GO TO CALIFORNY,

THEY MIGHT NOT
TAKE 'EM BACK IN.

AND IF A SKUNK AIN'T
WELCOME WITH HIS OWN FAMILY,

HE JUST ABOUT AIN'T
GOT NOBODY TO TURN TO.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL PUT HIM OUT THE WINDOW.

UNCLE JED,

WHY CAN'T WE GO BACK TO
BEVERLY HILLS RIGHT AWAY?

RECKON WE CAN TELL
HIM THE TRUTH, GRANNY?

I RECKON HE'S BIG ENOUGH.

WELL, YOU SEE,
WE PROMISED YOUR MA

WE'D STAY HERE AND HELP HER

"TIL SHE GETS HERSELF
MARRIED TO MR. BREWSTER.

WELL, HOW LONG WILL THAT TAKE?

WELL, IT HADN'T
OUGHTA TAKE LONG,

SHE'S GOT HIM BOARDIN'
IN YOUR ROOM NOW

WHERE SHE CAN GET AT HIM.

PEARL TOLD ME
TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT.

SHE'S GONNA FEED
HIM INTO A STUPOR,

THEN SIT HIM IN THE PARLOR

AND SING TO HIM
UNTIL HE PROPOSES.

THAT'S A
POWERFUL COMBINATION,

PEARL'S COOKIN' AND SINGIN’.

YEAH,

IF HE CAN GET GOT,

PEARL WILL GET HIM.

AIN'T THAT A PRECIOUS PICTURE?

NIAGRY FALL.

WHERE THE HONEYMOONERS GO.

I UNDERSTAND THEY'RE HAVING

SPECIAL WINTER
RATES THERE NOW.

I THINK I'D BETTER TURN IN.

I'VE GOT TO GET UP
AWFULLY EARLY IN THE MORNING.

NO, NO, NO, NO,

YOU SIT DOWN AND RELAX.

JETHRENE AND ME'S GOT
A SPECIAL SURPRISE FER YA.

IT ISN'T FOOD IS IT?

FOOD FOR THE SOUL
AND THE SPIRIT, MUSIC.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR?

OH, ANYTHING
YOU'D LIKE TO SING.

WELL, I'LL JUST PICK
OUT SOMETHING AT RANDOM.

LET'S TRY THIS JETHRENE.

OH, PROMISE ME THAT
SOME DAY YOU ANDI?

Willi TAKE OUR LOVE TOGETHER

TO SOME SKY

WHERE WE CAN BE ALONE

AND FAITH RENEWED.

(WOLFS HOWLING)

UNCLE JED.

HMMM?

UNCLE JED?

WHAT'S GOT THEM WOLFS
SO STIRRED UP TONIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW BUT SOMETHING
SURE IS SETTING THEM OFF.

HEY, HEY.

CAN'T SLEEP A WINK.

OVER TO THE RIGHT, GRANNY.

OVER TO THE LEFT, GRANNY.

BOO!

THEM WOLVES KEEPING
YOU AWAKE TOO, GRANNY?

THEY SURE IS.

THE HOWLIN' GOES
RIGHT THROUGH YA'.

IT AIN'T THEIR
HOLLERING THAT'S EATIN' ME,

IT'S THEIR SNORING.

SNORING?

LOOK FOR YOURSELF

ELLY'S GOT TWO OF
THEM UNDER THE BED!

GRANNY, WE GOTTA GET THAT
GIRL BACK TO BEVERLY HILLS.

SHE'S GOING RIGHT BACK
TO BE IN' A WILD COUGAR.

WHAT Y'ALL ALL DOING OUT HERE?

TRYING TO KEEP WARM.

SURE IS COLD IN THERE
WITHOUT YOU, GRANNY.

MIND IF I JOIN YA'?

I RECKON SO IF DON'T MIND

A LITTLE HUMAN
COMPANY FER A CHANGE.

UNCLE JED, WE JUST
GOTTA GET OURSELVES

BACK TO BEVERLY HILLS!

WE WILL, JETHRO.

SOON AS YER MA GETS PROPER
HITCHED TO MR. BREWSTER.

(SNEEZING)

BLESS YOU.

AW, PEARL.

GIVE IT ALL YA GOT TONIGHT

OR WE'S ALL GONNA BE
DOWN WITH PEE-NU-MONY.

JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT

WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE LOW

AND FLICKERING SHADOWS

SOFTLY COME AND GOOOOOOO...

(WOLFS HOWLING)

OH JOY DIVINE,

OH JOY SO PURE,

LOVE EVER EQUAL

AND LOVE,

EVER SURE.

THAT WAS A WONDERFUL CONCERT.

YOU BOTH ARE
UNUSUALLY TALENTED.

THANK YOU.

YES, INDEED.

THAT MEANS A LOT
COMING FROM YOU.

NATURALLY, FOLKS
AROUND HERE BRAG ON US.

IN FACT, THEY THINK WE
OUGHTA GO ON A CONCERT TOUR.

OH, REALLY?

OH, YES.

MY NEIGHBOR'S
IS ALWAYS AFTER ME

TO SING OUT OF TOWN.

WELL, I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.

MR. BREWSTER,

DO YOU REALLY LIKE
MUSIC AND SINGING?

WELL, I USED TO.

I MEAN, I USED TO
SING A LOT MYSELF

IN COLLEGE MUSICALS,

AMATEUR THEATRICALS.

WAS YOU ON THE
STAGE MR. BREWSTER?

OH, YES, YES.

AFTER COLLEGE I DID QUITE
A LITTLE THEATER WORK,

SUMMER STOCK.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

THERE WAS A TIME WHEN
I SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED

THE STAGE AS MY CAREER.

MA, MR. BREWSTER'S AN ACTORI

WELL, NOT ANY LONGER.

MY FATHER HAD OTHER IDEAS.

HE INSISTED I GET
INTO THE OIL BUSINESS.

MR. BREWSTER,
DID YOU EVER DO ANYTHING

FROM THE BARD OF AVON?

THAT'S SHAKESPEARE.

OH, I JUST LOVE HIM.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I ONCE PLAYED THE LEAD
IN "ROMEO AND JULIET".

WHICH ONE WAS YOU?

I WAS ROMEO.

IN MY YOUTH,

I WAS CONSIDERED
QUITE A LEADING MAN TYPE.

AND THERE WERE
THOSE WHO THOUGHT

I HAD RATHER
A HANDSOME PROFILE.

WELL, YOU STILL GOT IT.

AND I'LL BET YOU CAN
ACT TO BEAT THE BAND!

OH, COME ON.

TAKE OFF A PART FER US,

SOMETHING FROM SHAKESPEARE.

SIT DOWN, JETHRENE.

WELL, I DOUBT IF
I COULD REMEMBER ANYTHING.

OH, PLEASE, MR. BREWSTER.

WELL, PERHAPS I CAN RECALL

SOMETHING FROM
THE BALCONY SCENE.

LET'S SEE NOW,

HOW DOES IT GO,

BUT SOFT,

WHAT LIGHT THROUGH
YONDER WINDOW BREAKS.

IT IS THE EAST

AND JULIET IS THE SUN.

ARISE FAIR SUN

AND KILL THE ENVIOUS MOON

WHO IS ALREADY SICK

AND PALE WITH GRIEF

THAT THOU, HER MAID,

ARE FAR MORE FAIR THAN SHE.

GO TO BED, JETHRENE.

OH, I THINK I'LL TURN IN TOO.

PLEASE,

DO SOME MORE OF THEM LOVE
SPEECHES FROM SHAKESPEARE.

WELL, MY THROAT
IS A LITTLE SORE.

I THINK I BETTER GARGLE
WITH A LITTLE WARM SALTWATER

AND GO TO BED.

WELL, I CAN TAKE CARE OF YA.

THAT'S ANOTHER ONE
OF MY SPECIALTIES...

NURSING THE SICK.

WELL, IT MIGHT BE THE FLU BUG

AND YOU WOULDN'T
WANT TO CATCH IT.

GOOD NIGHT.

IF HIS FLU BUG

IS AS HARD TO CATCH AS HE IS,

I GOT NOTHIN' TO WORRY ABOUT.

UNCLE JED,

HAVE YOU EVER
KNOWED IT TO BE SO COLD?

NEVER HAVE, JETHRO.

AW, THIS AIN'T COLD.

YOUR BLOOD IS THINNED OUT

FROM LIVING IN CALIFORNY.

YOU SAY THIS
AIN'T COLD GRANNY?

LOOK WHO ELSE IS
HUDDLED UP TO THE FIRE,

ELLY AND HER WOLVES.

REAL COLD THIS
MORNING, GRANNY.

COLD?

YOU CALL THIS COLD?

WHY, I REMEMBER
A WINTER MORNING

THAT WAS SO COLD

THAT WHEN I WENT
TO MILK THE COW

THE MILK FROZE
BEFORE IT HIT THE PAIL.

HAD TO BREAK IT OFF IN STICKS.

YES SIR,

I CARRIED THAT DOUBLE
ARM FULL OF MILK IN

AND NEVER SPILT A STICK.

GEE, GRANNY,
HOW'D YOU DRINK IT?

BITE ON IT?

NOPE,

BUT YOU DID!

YOU'RE IN A RIGHT
GOOD MOOD THIS MORNING.

JED,

IGOTA
FEELIN' IN MY BONES

THAT PEARL GOT
HIM LAST NIGHT.

PA,

I SEEN MR. BREWSTER'S
CAR COMING DOWN THE ROAD

AND AUNT PEARL'S WITH HIM.

I TOLD YOU,

MY BONES IS NEVER WRONG.

WHEN'S THE WEDDING?

HI MA.

YOU GONNA BE
MARRIED IN CHURCH?

YEAH, LET'S SEE
YOUR RING, PEARL.

YOU WANT ME TO
CARRY MR. BREWSTER

OVER THE THRESHOLD FER YA, MA?

SHE DON'T LOOK TOO HAPPY.

(CRYING)

SHE DON'T SOUND
TOO HAPPY NEITHER.

AW, ALL WOMEN FOLK CRY

WHEN THEY'RE ABOUT
TO GET MARRIED.

I DIDN'T GET HIM!

AW...

DID YOU TRY YOUR BEST, PEARL?

OH, GRANNY.

I THROWED THE BOOK AT HIM.

COOKIN,

SEWIN',

SINGIN’.

I EVEN NURSED
HIM THROUGH THE FLU

GOT HIM WELL IN 5 MINUTES.

BUT HE DIDN'T PROPOSE.

JED, YOU GO OUT THERE

AND DO YOUR DUTY TO
YOUR FEMALE COUSIN.

ASK THAT CITY FELLER
WHAT HE'D RATHER GET.

MARRIED OR BURIED!

NOW GRANNY,
I DON'T HOLD WITH

GETTING FOLKS MARRIED
UNLESS THEY'S WILLIN'.

PEARL'S GOT ENOUGH
WILLIN' FER BOTH OF 'EMI!

AND YOU GONNA MAKE A
LIAR OUTTA MY BONES?

YEAH, I'LL HAVE A
TALK WITH MR. BREWSTER.

WHERE'D HE GO, PEARL?

HE SAID HE WAS
GONNA PARK THE CAR

ON THE WARM SIDE OF THE CABIN.

BUT HE MUSTA RUN OFF.

AFTER HIM, EVERYBODY!

WE'LL HEAD HIM
OFF AT THE PASS

AND SHOOT HIM DOWN LIKE A DOG!

NOW, YOU HOLD ON,

YOU AIN'T SHOOTIN"
NOBODY DOWN.

JUST SIMMER DOWN.

WHY, HE DIDN'T RUN OFF AT ALL,

EXCEPT WE'LL NEED YOU, ELLY,

TO GET HIM BACK IN HERE.

HOW COME?

AHH, IT LOOKS LIKE
A COUPLE OF YOUR FRIENDS

IS SIZING HIM
UP FER BREAKFAST.

WELL, IN ALL
SINCERITY, MR. CLAMPETT,

YOUR COUSIN PEARL

IS A VERY REMARKABLE WOMAN,

IT'S JUST THAT, WELL,

I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED.

WELL, I UNDERSTAND
THAT, MR. BREWSTER,

AND I THANK YA FER SPEAKING
THE TRUTH LIKE A MAN,

BUT MY COUSIN PEARL HAS
GOT HERSELF A PROBLEM.

OH, WHAT'S THAT?

WELL, AIN'T NO
SECRETS IN THE HILLS.

AND EVERYBODY
AND HIS DOG KNOWS

THAT YOU BEEN BOARDIN'
WITH HER OVER AT HER PLACE

AND THEY ALL KNOW SHE'S
HAD HER CAP SET FER YA,

OH, I AIN'T BLAMING
YA, MR. BREWSTER.

JED?

DID HE SAY YES?

CAN WE COME OUT NOW?

NOT YET AWHILE, GRANNY.

WELL, IF YER TOO
CHICKEN TO SHOOT HIM,

ELLY'S GOT HER
WOLVES STANDIN' BY.

MR. BREWSTER,

IN ORDER TO SAVE MY
COUSIN PEARL FROM SHAME,

I'M GONNA ASK YOU
TO DO ME A BIG FAVOR.

ANYTHING I CAN DO.

I WANT YOU TO PROPOSE TO
HER IN FRONT OF SOMEBODY.

BUT...

AND LET HER TURN
YOU DOWN, OF COURSE.

OH.

OH, I SEE.

OF COURSE, YES,
IF THAT'LL SAVE FACE.

WELL, PEARL WILL KNOW

THAT SHE'S SUPPOSED
TO TURN ME DOWN.

OH, SURE.

WE'LL HAVE AN
UNDERSTANDING WITH PEARL.

NOW, THE ONE I THINK YOU
OUGHTA PROPOSE IN FRONT OF

IS ELVERNA BRADSHAW.

YOU KNOW, MR. CLAMPETT,

THIS IDEA OF YOURS

IS QUITE INSPIRED.

OH, IT'S JUST A NOTION.

YOU SEE, ELVERNA IS THE
BIGGEST GOSSIP IN THE HILLS.

NO, REALLY.

IT'S BRILLIANT.

IT COMBINES DRAMA,

PATHOS,

SUSPENSE.

IT HAS A HAPPY ENDING.

GREAT THIRD ACT CURTAIN.

IT'S REAL THEATER.

OF COURSE, YOU'LL HAVE TO
BE CONVINCING SO ELVERNA...

CONVINCING?

WHY, I'LL GIVE A PERFORMANCE

THAT THE PEOPLE
OF THESE HILLS

WILL REMEMBER AS
LONG AS THEY LIVE!

WELL, SHOW THAT THE...

WHEN PEARL BODINE TURNS DOWN

MY IMPASSIONED
PROPOSAL OF MARRIAGE,

THERE WON'T BE
A DRY EYE IN THE HOUSE!

ELVERNA DON'T CRY EASY.

OH, WELL, NOW SURELY,

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
WASTE THIS DRAMATIC SCENE

BEFORE JUST ONE PERSON.

WELL, I RECKON
ELVERNA'S DAUGHTER-

I'VE GOT IT, I'VE GOT IT.

THE MOVIE HOUSE WHERE
PEARL PLAYS THE PIANO.

YOU WANNA PROPOSE THERE?

WELL IT'S PERFECT,
EVERYBODY IN TOWN WILL SEE IT.

WELL, WON'T IT
KIND OF SHAME YA

TO BE TURNED DOWN IN
FRONT OF ALL THEM PEOPLE?

WELL, IT'S JUST A PERFORMANCE.

I'VE LEARNED ONE
THING IN THE THEATER.

AN ACTOR ALWAYS GIVES
A BETTER PERFORMANCE

IN FRONT OF A FULL HOUSE.

WELL, DOGGIES.

THAT SURE IS NICE OF YA.

WELL, IT'S MY,
PLEASURE, MR. CLAMPETT.

MRS. BODINE,

GRANNY, COME ON IN...

COME ON, EVERYBODY,

(EVERYBODY YELLING)

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.

I RECKON WE BETTER
LET MR. BREWSTER

TELL YA WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

WELL, TONIGHT, AT THE
MOVIE HOUSE, MRS. BODINE,

WHILE THE WHOLE
TOWN LOOKS ON,

I'M GONNA ASK YOU TO MARRY ME.

(EVERYBODY SCREAMING)

I GOT ME A DADDY!

I GOT ME A DADDY!

THIS CALLS FER
A WHOPPIN' GOOD SNORT!

NOW, WILL YOU ALL
QUIET DOWN EVERYBODY

"TIL YA HEAR THE
REST OF THE STORY.

NOW, PEARL, WHEN MR. BREWSTER
ASKS YOU TO MARRY HIM,

YOU'RE GONNA SAY "NO."

NOT UNLESS I'M
AS DRUNK AS YOU ARE.

(DOORBELL)

HOWDY, PEARL!

EVENIN'.

EVENIN', PEARL.

EVENIN', GRANNY.

JETHRO WENT ON AHEAD
DOWN TO THE THEATER

TO GET A FIRE
GOIN' IN THE STOVE.

WHERE'S JETHRENE, AUNT PEARL?

WELL, SHE'S IN HER
ROOM GETTIN' DRESSED.

GO ON IN AND SEE HER.

GRANNY, WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR MINK COAT?

THIS IS IT.

TONIGHT'S KINDA SPECIAL,

SO I'M WEARING
THE PRETTY SIDE OUT.

YOU SURE GOT YOUR PRETTY
SIDE OUT TONIGHT, PEARL.

OH, I TELL YOU, JED,

I'M AS NERVOUS AS
IF I WAS GONNA GET

A REAL HONEST TO
GOODNESS PROPOSAL.

AND IT WOULD BE REAL,

IF YER COUSIN JED
WOULD DO HIS DUTY

AND HOLD A SHOTGUN ON
THAT FELLER BREWSTER.

NOW, LADIES, LET'S
SETTLE FER WHAT WE GOT.

THIS WAY, PEARL
CAN COME TO CALIFORNY

WITHOUT NOBODY SAYING

SHE LEFT TOWN IN DISGRACE.

GOOD EVENING.

GOOD EVENING.

AIN'T YOU DRESSED UP.

THAT BOILED SHIRT MAKES
YOUR FACE LOOK KINDA DARK.

WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT

I'M WEARING A LITTLE
THEATRICAL MAKEUP.

MRS. BODINE,

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
SOME PANCAKE ON YOUR FACE?

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE SOME

SWEET POTATO PIE ON YOURS?

NOW, PEARL.

FETCH ME SOME HOT
POSSUM GREASE, PEARL,

AND I'LL FLING IT ON HIM.

NOW, LADIES,
YOU MISUNDERSTOOD ME.

PANCAKE IS A TYPE OF MAKEUP

WE USE IN THE THEATER.

AN ACTOR, LIKE MYSELF,

WOULD FEEL POSITIVELY
UNDRESSED WITHOUT IT.

I THOUGHT YOU WAS AN OIL MAN.

WELL, THAT'S MY BUSINESS,

BUT AT HEART,

I SHALL ALWAYS BE AN ACTOR.

SAY, NOW, SPEAKIN' OF ACTIN'

YOU TWO GOT IT FIGURED OUT

WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY?

OH, YEAH, WE
REHEARSED 12 TIMES.

UM, MR. BREWSTER WILL BE
SETTIN' ON THE FRONT ROW

AND WHEN THE PICTURE'S OVER

HE'LL JUMP UP AND HE'LL...

EXCUSE ME.

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THAT.

I BELIEVE IT WOULD
BE MORE EFFECTIVE

IF IMADE AN ENTRANCE.

ENTRANCE?

YES, I'LL COME DOWN THE AISLE.

OHI!

OH, ALL RIGHT.

AND THEN
MR. BREWSTER'S GONNA SAY,

"MRS. BODINE,

DON'T GO TO CALIFORNY
WITH YOUR COUSIN JED.

STAY HERE AND BE MY WIFE."

UH, EXCUSE-UVUH,

I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT THAT TOO.

AFTER A BIG ENTRANCE
DOWN THE AISLE,

THAT'S GOING TO SEEM LIKE A
PRETTY FLAT OPENING SPEECH.

WELL, YOU JUST SAY
WHAT YOU WANNA SAY.

ALL I GOTTA SAY IS "NO,

I WON'T MARRY YA."

YEAH.

(DOORBELL)

IF THAT'S HOMER WINCH

I'M GONNA HIT HIM
RIGHT IN THE HEAD.

EXCUSE ME.

GOOD EVENING, PEARL.

ELVERNA BRADSHAW.

WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, YOU AND ME

BEING SUCH CLOSE FRIENDS,

I JUST THOUGHT I'D OFFER

TO PLAY PIANI FER YA
AT THE THEATER TONIGHT.

WHY?

SURELY, YOU'RE
NOT GONNA SHOW UP

AND HAVE FOLKS WHISPERIN'

BEHIND YER BACK ALL
DURING THE PICTURE.

WHAT IN THE WORLD WOULD
THEY BE WHISPERING ABOUT?

PEARL,

I'M YER BEST FRIEND.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
PRETEND WITH ME.

THE WHOLE TOWN KNOWS HOW
YOU BEEN FLINGIN' YOURSELF

AT THAT BOARDER OF YOURS.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
ELVERNA BRADSHAW,

MR. BREWSTER PROPOSED
TO ME 12 TIMES TODAY

AND 12 TIMES
I TURNED HIM DOWN.

IS THAT WHY HE GIVE
YOU THIS HERE MINK COAT?

‘CAUSE YA TURNED HIM DOWN?

THIS HERE MINK COAT

WAS GIVE TO ME BY MY NIECE,

ELLY MAY CLAMPETT.

OH, PEARL.

I KEEP TELLIN' YA,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
PRETEND WITH ME.

I'M YER BEST FRIEND.

WHEN ELVERNA BRADSHAW
IS YER BEST FRIEND,

YER UP TO YER
EYEBALLS IN ENEMIES.

MR. BREWSTER,

IF YOU WAS TO GO IN THERE NOW

AND PROPOSE IN
FRONT OF ELVERNA,

YOU COULD SAVE YOURSELF
A TRIP TO THE THEATER

AND THE NEWS'D GET
AROUND A HEAP QUICKER.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND,
MR. CLAMPETT.

AN ACTOR NEEDS AN AUDIENCE.

ELVERNA,

IF YOU DON'T MIND,

I'D LIKE YOU TO
GET OUT OF MY COAT

AND OUT OF MY HOUSE.

I'M GONNA BE LATE
FOR THE THEATER.

PEARL,

TAKE YOUR BEST
FRIEND'S ADVICE

AND SNEAK OUT OF TOWN QUIETLY.

YOU CAN DEPEND ON ME

TO SMOOTH EVERYTHING OVER.

THANKS FER NOTHIN.

HUH!

FAREWELL PERFORMANCE IS RIGHT.

I RECKON SHE'LL SNEAK
OUT OF TOWN IN A HURRY,

IF SHE AIN'T ALREADY SNUCK.

MIND YA,

PEARL'S MY BEST FRIEND

AND I AIN'T ONE
TO TALK BUT, UH...

GOOD EVENIN', LADIES.

YOU TOO, ELVERNA.

I NOTICED MR. BREWSTER
WASN'T WITH HER.

OH, AND DID YOU
SEE THAT MINK COAT?

WELL, I WOULDN'T TRADE
THIS LITTLE BAND A' GOLD

AND HOME-LOVIN' HUSBAND

FOR A DOZEN MINK COATS.

WOULD I, LUKE?

LUKE?

LUKE BRADSHAW!

THAT SNEAK, HE GOT AWAY AGAIN.

LUKE!

STOP THE PICTURE!

STOP THE PICTURE!

STOP THE PICTURE!

ALL RIGHT, CHARLIE.

MRS. BODINE,

I JUST SAW THAT
POSTER OUT FRONT.

"FAREWELL PERFORMANCE."

DOES THAT MEAN
YOU ARE LEAVING?

OH, YES, MR. BREWSTER.

I'M GOING TO CALIFORNY

WITH MY COUSIN JED
AND HIS FAMILY.

OH, PLEASE, PLEASE, I BEG YOU.

I IMPLORE YOU.

I BESEECH YOU.

DON'T GO.

STAY HERE AND BE ME WIFE.

NO, THANK YOU, MR. BREWSTER.

I CANNOT,

I WILL NOT
ACCEPT THAT ANSWER.

FOR I LOVE YOU, PEARL BODINE.

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL ME HEART.

WITH ALL ME SOUL I LOVE YOU

AS NO MAN HAS EVER
LOVED A WOMAN BEFORE.

HE'S BETTER'N
FRANCIS X BUSHMAN.

BE MINE, PEARL,

BE MINE.

I'M BACK HERE, MR. BREWSTER.

NO, MR. BREWSTER.

MY ANSWER IS "NO."

THEN, LIFE HAS COME TO AN END.

FOR WHAT IS LIFE WITHOUT LOVE?

IF 'S HIM,
I'D LET IT GO AT THAT.

WITHOUT PEARL BODINE
THERE IS NO LOVE.

OH, ME DARLING,

OH, ME PRECIOUS.

SAY THOSE WORDS
THAT WILL MAKE ME

THE HAPPIEST OF MAN.

I'M BEHIND YA.

MY ANSWER IS STILL "NO."

BETTER QUIT, WHILE
YER AHEAD, MR. BREWSTER.

OOOH, HOW THOSE WORDS

STAB DEEP INTO ME HEART

LIKE COLD STEEL.

AND ONLY YOU, PEARL BODINE,

CAN HEAL THE MORTAL WOUND.

OOOOHHHHBE....

WOMAN OF ME DESIRE,

MARRY ME, PEARL.

NO.

I PROMISE YOU
A LIFE OF HAPPINESS.

NO.

A LIFE OF LUXURY.

NO.

OH, ME DARLING.

LOOK INTO ME
TEAR-STAINED EYES.

LOOK INTO THE TORTURED FACE

OF YOUR LOVE SLAVE.

FREE ME WITH THAT
ONE DIVINE WORD.

SAY YES.

SAY YES,

AND TOGETHER
WE WILL ENTER A PARADISE

OF LOVE EVERLASTING.

YES! YES! YES!
I'LL MARRY YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

DID YOU SAY "YES?"

YES!

IF PEARL HADN'T SAID "YES,"

I WAS READY MYSELF.

WELL, NOW IT'S
TIME TO SAY GOODBYE

TO JED AND ALL HIS KIN,

AND THEY WOULD
LIKE TO THANK YOU FOLKS

FOR KINDLY DROPPING IN.

YOU'RE ALL INVITED
BACK NEXT WEEK

TO THIS LOCALITY,

TO HAVE A HEAPIN' HELPIN'

OF THEIR HOSPITALITY.

HILLBILLY THAT {S,

SET A SPELL,

TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.

Y'ALL COME BACK NOW, Y' HEAR.

THIS HAS BEEN A
FILMWAYS PRESENTATION.