The Bear (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - System - full transcript
Carmy attempts to retrain the employees of The Original Beef of Chicagoland, but is faced with resistance. In need of back-up, he brings on a talented young chef to help.
♪ ♪
Shh...
Shh...
Shh...
It's okay...
Shh...
I know.
♪ ♪
- Yo.
- Yo. Twenty-five pounds?
Twenty-five?
No, no, I ordered 200.
Paid for 25.
Take it up with Lu.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no. No, Luanne, that's...
that's... that's
really nice of you.
Uh-huh.
Yeah. No, no,
w-we're really grateful
to still be open
after everything.
Yeah, so, listen, I, um...
I'm still trying to figure
this place out,
you know, see how Michael
was doing everything,
and I wanna get your money.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I miss him.
Uh, I miss him, too. Yeah.
Okay.
No, it's good. Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Thanks anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Alright. Bye.
Fuck!
Ball Breaker!
...broken!
- Shut up!
- No, no, no. Puta!
Don't unplug it.
I know what that means, Tina.
You unplug it,
it won't work again.
- Bonus!
- When was the last time
you emptied these?
I don't know.
♪ ♪
♪ Let's dance, fuck you ♪
Hey, Chi-Chi, it's Carmy.
Still got that meat connect?
Oh! I'll have
what she's having!
You cut vegetables like a bitch.
Don't wipe your hands
on your apron, Chef.
- Jeff?
- Chef.
♪ ♪
We got issues.
This arcuate's painted.
Yeah, no shit it is.
They conserved copper
during World War II.
- That's why there's no rivets?
- That's why no rivets.
- How the fuck do
you not know that?
- Because I fuckin' don't.
This is original Big E
red-line selvage, alright?
From 1944. You can get 1,250
for that on eBay tonight.
- And I'd still
be five and a half short.
- Add this.
What am I, a Coinstar?
- That's like three hundo,
Chi-Chi!
- Three hundo plus what?
Plus a 1955
blanket-lined Type 3.
- Pleated?
- Pleated.
Boom.
♪ ♪
Ball Breaker!
♪ ♪
- Hey, Sugar. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Look, I-I need your help.
No.
No, no, no, no.
It's not like that.
Yeah, I need that, uh,
jacket that Mike gave me.
Yeah. Look, can you, uh,
can you bring it here?
Thank you. Okay. Yeah, yeah.
Alright. Alright. Bye.
Hi. Hello.
- Hi.
- I-I'm Sydney.
I called about
the sous position,
I'm staging today.
- Right. Shit. Sorry. Yes. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Carmy. Um, here,
gimme your... Thank you.
- Hey. Uh, yes.
Uh, Alinea, Smoque, Avec.
That's some serious heat.
What's, uh...
- What's UPS? That's in Chicago?
- Uh,
United Parcel Service...
- Shit. That's the UPS.
- The one... The mail... Yeah...
-Yeah. Um, what'd you...
what'd you do for them?
-Drove.
Paid my way through
culinary school, so...
- CIA?
- Uh, CIA, yeah.
Okay, so what are
you doing here?
You know, this, um,
this was my dad's favorite
spot when I was a kid.
Come here every Sunday.
Special place.
Good. Um...
Okay, so you know
the drill. We, uh...
you're gonna make family.
It's meat plus three,
and w-we eat around 2:00.
Yeah, heard. Dope. Cool.
What's up?
- Can I just, like, ask
you a question maybe?
- Of course. Yeah.
I know who you are.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, I-I mean...
you were the most excellent CDC
at the most excellent restaurant
in the entire
United States of America.
So, what are you
doing here? I guess.
Making sandwiches.
♪ Yeah... ♪
- Tina... Ebraheim?
- Carmen! Where is beef?
It's in the oven.
Tina, can you start
- a new giardiniera
for me please, Chef?
- I need my fennel first, Jeff.
Carmen.
I need my beef!
Ebraheim...
Then I do onion, then I do
potatoes. We have system.
Aight, but you can
punch 'em, blanch 'em,
freeze 'em, fry 'em
before the beef, right?
- Don't mess up our place!
- I'm not missing anything up.
Chef, no! Please, please,
do not touch that.
This is the one time
you listen to me.
Please do not touch that.
That's been going
for 12 hours, okay?
That's my pot, Jeff.
- Everybody know.
- That's her pot.
Use another pot, please,
Chef. Alright? Corner!
♪ 'Cause it just don't end ♪
Hey, Marcus, I need
a double order of bread today,
- okay, Chef?
- Come on, Carmy,
I been telling you
for the past two weeks
the mixer's fucked,
and I gotta do all this by hand.
Plus, Tina keeps messing
with the temperature
- and it's fucking up my rise.
- No inglés.
- Tina, I know you speak English!
- Listen,
Marcus, we're not
meeting dailies, alright?
Vendors are cutting us off.
I don't have the money
to fix it right this second,
but I will get you
a new mixer. Okay?
- I promise you. Yeah?
- Carmen! Buzzer!
Alright, that's the beef.
Come on, gimme a hand.
♪ I said I don't give a damn ♪
Corner! Smaller fry scoops
today, Chef. Behind!
- Not system!
- What is this system?
- Michael's system.
- Carmen, there is a girl.
Yeah, that's Sydney.
She's helping us out today.
Michael's system
makes no sense...
I'm saying something!
Marcus, I say something.
You are my favorite bitch.
Oh, your English
is gettin' tight, Zeebs.
You kidnap a ship captain?
Your mom teach me during sex.
Oh, that's not cool.
I'm fucking with you.
That's how you do it!
- Yo yo yo.
- Hey yo, Gary!
You set up a compost
for me today, Chef?
After I do my thing
in the place.
That's very clear. Thank you.
Behind. Behind.
- Hey, Chef, is there, like,
a family shelf or something?
- Behind!
- Shelf?
- Sorry, um...
Fuck off.
Gracias.
- Bottom right side of walk-in.
- Thanks, Chef.
♪ ♪
♪ Like that all rough ♪ Yo, this shit looks different.
- Corner... Yo, you.
- Yo, family!
Fucking with my program, cousin?
Program started four hours ago.
- I had the kid all morning.
- Excuse me.
Listen, what is going
on with Ballbreaker?
My Insta's completely
blowing up.
You got like
30 followers, dog.
Yeah, I got...
What is that, a diss?
I got 36 followers...
We need the business! Nerds
come in from Rockford to play.
Yeah, like in 1987. You know,
when you were still in
that deadbeat's balls.
How are you?
Good.
How was the recital?
Oh my god,
she murdered it, Tina!
I gotta... H-hold on.
- Listen, you gotta run
this stuff by me first.
- I don't have to do shit.
Hold on. Listen, let's just have
a conversation for a second!
-Whoa. Fuck is this?
-This is Sydney.
I'm staging today.
- You're what-ing today?
- That's Sydney.
She's helping us out today.
- Cousin, you ordering
a different mayonnaise, bro?
- ...bananas?
-No, all you, Chef.
-Yeah, "All you, Chef."
This biff,
- he was usin' them to
make a giant nut muffin!
- It was a play on
a Panettone.
It woulda been beautiful
-if you'd let me finish it.
Fuck! Cousin!
-Fuck you!
Richie Jerimovich.
Pleasure to meet you,
sweetheart.
- Don't say sweetheart,
you fucking weirdo.
- Oh sorry,
Carm, you're so woke.
I meant nothing by it,
Sydney. Saying sweetheart
is just part of
our Italian heritage.
- That's beautiful.
Thank you.
Corner!
- Okay...
- Listen, I'm trying
to talk to you, okay?
Don't be rude and start
doing a million things...
- I don't have time
for this right now.
- I don't remember having time
- to take care of your mom
for six months.
- Don't you fucking...
No, don't you fucking!
I got all kinds of receipts
from my divorce lawyer backing
up 'cause all the time I spent
trying to put your family
back together
'cause you're too much of
a cocksucker to come home!
The guys are texting me.
You're telling them to do all
sorts of weird shit backwards.
Don't fucking do that, Carmen!
Don't go messing
with their heads and ordering
different mayonnaise
and hiring new fucking broads
without talking to me first!
This is your brother's house,
okay? Yeah? Remember?
I was running it
fine without you.
Why didn't he leave it
to you then?
- Low on olive oil, Carmen.
- Heard.
♪ ♪
♪ Huh huh huh ♪
Where's my knife?!
Chefs, we gotta
sharpen our knives
- when we got a sec!
- You gotta sharpen
your brain when
we get a second.
You been here for two weeks,
we been having money problems
for two weeks.
One plus one equals
you're an asshole, Bobby Flay.
Don't call me Bobby Flay!
Sydney, stir
- that pot for me,
please, Chef.
- Yes, Chef.
- You want a cartouche?
- What's a cartouche?
- What's our best day here?
- Five.
Okay, Ebraheim, get me
a pot for the giardiniera!
So if we do six, that'll get
us through the week, right?
- So, Ballbreaker.
- Just make it easy
- and make the fucking spaghetti!
- Don't say spaghetti!
- All these knives are dull!
- Spaghetti's
the biggest seller, Carm.
-That shit was straight-up fire.
-Straight-up done now, Chef.
Behind.
- Yeah, but why?
- Because fucking 11 Madison Park
dickhead over here,
he couldn't figure it out!
- Housekeeping, Chefs!
- Again, what the fuck
are you saying?
Anyone understand
what he's saying?
Housekeeping means you have
to clean your stations
'cause this place
is fuckin' gross.
I refer to everybody as Chef
because it's a sign of respect,
and I never said I couldn't
figure out the spaghetti.
I said it doesn't make
any sense on this menu,
so it is done. The end.
Three hours to open, Chefs!
Who are you yelling at, Carmy?
There's like four of us in here.
Now, let me ask you something.
If the spaghetti
didn't make any sense,
how come everybody
fucking loved that shit?
- Everybody did love it.
- Everybody doesn't
have any taste.
It was an under-seasoned
over-sauced mess.
- It took seven hours to prep.
- Oh, fuck!
You know what?
This shit right here
made you pompous and delusional
and a fucking gayrod!
These guys, they taught you
how to cook with ants,
but none of these fuckwads
taught you how to make a pasta!
Probably should learn
how to make pasta, Carmy.
A, I know how to
make pasta, Marcus.
B, I hate to break
your hearts, motherfuckers,
but that gluey, mushy bullshit
is not bailing us out this time.
Ballbreaker is.
Fak's raising plays
to a dollar,
so shut the fuck up!
- Who the fuck is Fak?
- Tina! Did you take
my knife, Chef?
Did you take my pot, Jeff?
- Fuck!
- Neil Fak!
This fucking fairy's
butt-buddy. He's...
Whoa!
- Why is the beef so hot?
- 'Cause we
just took it out.
- Two hours late?
- Two hours longer!
Wrigley didn't deliver
enough meat this week.
- Why didn't Wrigley deliver?
- Because we're out of money!
The only beef I could get
was bone-in, which
you have to braise, alright?
It takes two hours longer.
The good news is
- we can stretch it by
cutting the bread shorter...
- Call Wrigley.
- ...and using less gravy.
- Call Wrigley! Which is not
how we have ever done
a beef here in 25 years, Carm!
- System, baby.
- System!
- You can barely afford to pay
people, but sick system.
- Don't fucking
talk to me about labor, Noma!
I thought this was your house!
♪ ♪
Fuck all this.
Announcement! Listen up!
Bread stays the same!
Gravy stays the same!
♪ Let it go, baby ♪
♪ Now ♪
♪ I'm gonna kick back
down and see ♪
Ballbreaker!
A buck's not gonna
get 'em anywhere, Bear.
- It's just too difficult.
- Yeah, Fak, that's the point.
- It's already ultra confusing.
- Yeah, homie,
it-it's a Norwegian knockoff
of Mortal Kombat.
Part of the reason why
this machine got recalled
in the first place,
aside from the excessive
and irresponsible violence,
is it's just too difficult!
It's a fighter
and a fucking scroller.
Also, sorry.
I didn't make it to the funeral.
I sent flowers,
- and I really hope
they looked nice.
- I don't know. I wasn't there.
- How long's this gonna take?
- It's gonna take an hour.
Aight, it's gotta be faster.
Yo, Sweeps,
can open up the windows
in the back, please?
- Later.
- Carmy, you're bleeding!
- Shit! Man, stupid
dull-ass knife!
- Corner!
- You're making me queasy.
- Fucking damn it, Ebraheim!
- Carmen, your fault! Say corner!
- Blood! You see?
Good! Good! Y'all happy now?
Can I have
my fucking knife back?!
♪ ♪
Ebraheim,
I swear to God,
she looks fucking beautiful.
You would've lost your mind.
- That's fire, Chef.
- And all of a sudden,
- the guy's back in my face!
- Hey!
Guys, look, we gotta line up!
We got service
in an hour, alright?
I'm like, listen, if you're
gonna get in my face,
- we're gonna have a problem.
- Hey! Cousin!
- Yeah, one second.
- Seriously, I wanna
start defining our roles
- a little bit more
clearly, alright?
- Hold on a second here.
- We're just... Hold on a second.
- Cousin. Seriously, Cousin!
Trying to get some work
done here, capiche?
This the dude from
the hot dog stand?
- This is
his twin brother...
- Fucking lying.
- ...which I found out later!
I found out later.
You lying!
But at this point, I think it's
the guy from the hot dog stand,
and I'm like, listen,
go home already!
Get the fuck outta here!
Oh my god! I'm like...
So, I'm like, okay,
now there's a problem.
I'm trying to enjoy my tacos,
you're ruining my date, right?
So, this guy,
he pulls out a revolver.
Come on.
-Swear to God!
And I'm like, oh my god,
wh-where did you get that?
What, did you steal that
from the museum gift shop?
You know, like, who
are you? Mr. Bogart?
Please, what are we doing
here...
Hey, Tina,
I gotta go see my sister.
- You hold down the fort?
- Yeah, sure. Listen, Jeff.
How come your sister don't
come by here no more?
Oh, you gotta ask her.
♪ I dreamed about
killing you... ♪
- Hi.
- Yo. You didn't put it
in a bag or anything?
That's how you say hello to me?
- Hi.
- Hi there!
♪ Dying on the banks ♪
♪ Of Embarcadero skies ♪
♪ I sat and watched
you bleed ♪
You smell like this place.
Hi.
Sorry. I just...
hate seeing you here.
Yeah, well...
♪ Your cold, hot blood
ran away from me ♪
These labels.
- Marcus!
- What?
Where are the chili flakes?
It's the most Polish shit ever.
- Cousin organizes it,
it's more confusing...
- Right there.
Labeled "chili flakes."
What does Sweeps stand for?
I swept St. Louis three times
and had a no-hitter.
My real last name is Woods.
♪ ♪
♪ I printed my name
on the back of a leaf ♪
♪ And I watched it
float away ♪
You talk to Mom?
- No. Uh...
- I know she'd love to see you.
No, I know, I know. I just...
♪ The wind blew me back... ♪
I've been trying to call you.
You haven't called me back.
Yeah, no, I know. I just...
I've been busy.
I've been working, so...
- Uncle Jimmy wants
to buy this place.
- It's not for sale.
- I know. That's what
I wanted to tell you.
- That it's not for sale?
No, that I think
we should sell it to him.
So he can flip it
into an Applebee's?
No, no, I-I'm trying to
to do something here, Sugar.
Okay, I was so excited
for you to come home.
♪ Via Chicago... ♪
Gotta go. Um...
Okay.
I'm okay.
- Okay?
- Okay.
I'm gonna fix this place.
♪ Searching for home... ♪
No one's asking you to.
♪ Searching for home
via Chicago ♪
Um, I really... I gotta go, okay?
- Bear.
- Yeah?
I love you.
Thank you for this.
You're welcome.
Welcome back.
Time to try the new sandwiches.
Behind!
Corner!
Marcus, rolls, please, Chef!
Fuck. Again!
- That's crumbly! It's too dense!
- Doing it by hand!
- Yo.
- It's the mixer.
It's not the mixer, alright?
It's crumbly.
The oven's too dry.
You need to fill
a baking sheet with water,
put it on the oven floor,
throw in another batch, okay?
- Don't tell me how to do my job.
- Just do it!
Yo! Somebody come
try this! Cousin!
Yeah, right!
There you go, Chef.
Chef.
What's goin' on?
What do you think?
- It's redundant and white,
just like you.
- Heard, heard, heard.
Tina. Salt? Beef? It's tender?
- Very good, puta!
- It's nice? We happy? Happy?
Alright, alright.
Yo, Sydney!
Try this business.
- Oh, fuck.
- Mm-hmm. You know that's fire.
- Yeah, fuckin' fire.
- Mm-hmm.
So, how you gonna
pass the family test?
Delicious or impressive?
Delicious is impressive.
Word. Word...
♪ ♪
That dude looks like a carrot.
- Is that a fucking carrot?
- I mean,
it's clearly a carrot.
Do you not know what
a carrot looks like?
We're gonna need more bread.
See, it's all good till
it starts making this weird
- "guggugguggug" sound.
- Oh my god,
that's a classic sound with
these fucking pieces of shit.
Hey, did you know Michael?
Dude, he was like
one of my best friends,
but then fuckin'
it got dark at the end...
Corner! How we looking
on that bread?
- Coming out soon.
- Fak, watch your back.
- Hey, Chi-Chi, yeah,
come get your jacket.
- Corner!
Yo! Yo! Fak, how we looking?
Dude, I'm gonna be
able to fix this, dude.
- Do you have any, like,
stale bread? Thank you.
- Right there.
- Corner!
- Chef! Corner! Behind...
- Fak, watch it.
- Hey, I'll pay you
in sandwich, yeah?
- Deal!
- No shit deal!
- Oh, fuck off, man.
- Hey, was Richie
always an asshole?
Dude, always and forever.
Dude, he's the fucking worst.
- Mm, yeah. He sucks.
- Dude, he's not a nice guy.
- He's just... He's sad inside.
- Yeah.
Fak...
Dude...
♪ ♪
- Yo, family's up!
- Yeah! Woo! Let's do this!
- Oh my gosh. I smell...
- That looks so good!
- Damn, Sydney!
- Let's go!
- What do we got
going on over here?
- Yeah, we got a stew,
rice, plantains,
and a little fennel salad.
Alright, I'm interested.
Ebra, yo, let's do this.
- I bring my own.
- This looks like shit.
Oh, come on.
Don't pay any attention.
That's not nice.
That's not nice.
I don't eat pork.
- It's not pork. It's beef.
- He never eats.
- It look like pork.
- Alright, alright,
I'll start. I'll start.
I'm grateful for Philip K. Dick.
Fak, you're up.
Me?! Uh, I-I'm tha... uh...
thankful for my-my cats Ralph.
They both named Ralph?
Yeah. It's just, like,
it's easier that way.
- Ralph and Ralph.
- Alright, Tina,
you're up. What's up?
I'm grateful for all
y'all motherfuckers.
Look at you, fucking softy!
I guess I'm grateful that...
Richie didn't come in here
wearing that cologne today
that he always be wearing.
You know, it smell like
a pine tree and shit.
Smell like onion under arm.
Onion under arm!
- Chef, you want a plate?
- All good. Thank you, Chef.
You can have mine
if you change your mind.
What?
I just never had plátanos
with, like, grass on it.
Yo, shit. Cousin, Cousin.
Cousin, yo, it's getting
crazy out there.
- Come give me a hand.
- Nah, bro.
This is on you.
Yo, Tina, how about these
plátanos though, right?
- Yo, really?
- Yeah, really.
- This isn't my house, remember?
- I didn't say
I didn't like 'em.
- She was just... She was
just saying she was...
- You didn't eat them.
Blockers!
Blockers! Blockers!
Yo! Eh!
- Everybody relax!
- Things are fucking alright!
Yo!
Eh, stop banging on the fucking
glass! My guy, stop banging...
- Get off me, cocksucker!
- Fuck you, man!
♪ Breaker... ♪
Merry Christmas, Lizards.
Sounds like we got
a real problem out here.
Any of you Incel-QAnon-4Chan...
Snyder-Cut motherfuckers
wanna out of line now?
Anybody?
Yeah.
Didn't think so.
Cousin.
- You alright?
- Thank you.
So we're gonna have a little
tournament here today.
We are gonna be on
our best behavior.
We're not gonna scare
any of the regulars.
We're not gonna touch 'em.
We're not gonna
look at 'em all weird.
We're not gonna do any
of that spectral shit!
Yes? Good.
You're gonna purchase
one Italian Beef combo
to enter. Now,
this is a single
elimination tourney,
so you lose,
you get the fuck out.
- No two ways about it.
- You win...
free Italian Ice for a year.
Also...
Also...
Also...
I hate litter.
So, you cucks are gonna
clean up after yourselves,
and you're gonna
goddamn recycle.
Fuck you.
- Cousin, how fucking dope is that?!
- - - Not dope at all.
What are you talking about?
I brought that crowd in!
- That's a lot of
money out there!
- That we're not prepped for!
I shoulda let those turkeys
eat you, Carmy, I swear to God.
Today was not the day to
go fucking with the system.
- System, system! Cousin...
- Hey, I don't care.
I do not care what
you do up in Napa
with your fucking tweezers
and your foie gras.
You got no fuckin' idea
what you're doing here!
None! Zero!
So we are gonna stick
with what works,
and we are gonna
fuckin' make sure
we got enough food to
feed these fuckin' dorks.
So get your ass back in there,
and you make that
fuckin' spaghetti.
Sydney...
Sorry about the gun, babe.
I had to get real.
Mm...
Goddamn...
Yo, Carm. Check it.
That's good.
You see that difference?
-Big time. Steam tray.
You were right.
-Yep.
You can throw down, huh?
Hey, grab me a fresh parm brick?
Heard, Chef.
♪ One, two, three, four,
five against one ♪
♪ Five, five,
five against one ♪
♪ Said one, two, three, four,
five against one ♪
♪ Five, five, five, five,
five against one ♪
♪ Torture from you to ♪
♪ Me, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Abducted from the street... ♪
Shh...
Shh...
Shh...
It's okay...
Shh...
I know.
♪ ♪
- Yo.
- Yo. Twenty-five pounds?
Twenty-five?
No, no, I ordered 200.
Paid for 25.
Take it up with Lu.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no. No, Luanne, that's...
that's... that's
really nice of you.
Uh-huh.
Yeah. No, no,
w-we're really grateful
to still be open
after everything.
Yeah, so, listen, I, um...
I'm still trying to figure
this place out,
you know, see how Michael
was doing everything,
and I wanna get your money.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I miss him.
Uh, I miss him, too. Yeah.
Okay.
No, it's good. Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Thanks anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Alright. Bye.
Fuck!
Ball Breaker!
...broken!
- Shut up!
- No, no, no. Puta!
Don't unplug it.
I know what that means, Tina.
You unplug it,
it won't work again.
- Bonus!
- When was the last time
you emptied these?
I don't know.
♪ ♪
♪ Let's dance, fuck you ♪
Hey, Chi-Chi, it's Carmy.
Still got that meat connect?
Oh! I'll have
what she's having!
You cut vegetables like a bitch.
Don't wipe your hands
on your apron, Chef.
- Jeff?
- Chef.
♪ ♪
We got issues.
This arcuate's painted.
Yeah, no shit it is.
They conserved copper
during World War II.
- That's why there's no rivets?
- That's why no rivets.
- How the fuck do
you not know that?
- Because I fuckin' don't.
This is original Big E
red-line selvage, alright?
From 1944. You can get 1,250
for that on eBay tonight.
- And I'd still
be five and a half short.
- Add this.
What am I, a Coinstar?
- That's like three hundo,
Chi-Chi!
- Three hundo plus what?
Plus a 1955
blanket-lined Type 3.
- Pleated?
- Pleated.
Boom.
♪ ♪
Ball Breaker!
♪ ♪
- Hey, Sugar. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Look, I-I need your help.
No.
No, no, no, no.
It's not like that.
Yeah, I need that, uh,
jacket that Mike gave me.
Yeah. Look, can you, uh,
can you bring it here?
Thank you. Okay. Yeah, yeah.
Alright. Alright. Bye.
Hi. Hello.
- Hi.
- I-I'm Sydney.
I called about
the sous position,
I'm staging today.
- Right. Shit. Sorry. Yes. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Carmy. Um, here,
gimme your... Thank you.
- Hey. Uh, yes.
Uh, Alinea, Smoque, Avec.
That's some serious heat.
What's, uh...
- What's UPS? That's in Chicago?
- Uh,
United Parcel Service...
- Shit. That's the UPS.
- The one... The mail... Yeah...
-Yeah. Um, what'd you...
what'd you do for them?
-Drove.
Paid my way through
culinary school, so...
- CIA?
- Uh, CIA, yeah.
Okay, so what are
you doing here?
You know, this, um,
this was my dad's favorite
spot when I was a kid.
Come here every Sunday.
Special place.
Good. Um...
Okay, so you know
the drill. We, uh...
you're gonna make family.
It's meat plus three,
and w-we eat around 2:00.
Yeah, heard. Dope. Cool.
What's up?
- Can I just, like, ask
you a question maybe?
- Of course. Yeah.
I know who you are.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, I-I mean...
you were the most excellent CDC
at the most excellent restaurant
in the entire
United States of America.
So, what are you
doing here? I guess.
Making sandwiches.
♪ Yeah... ♪
- Tina... Ebraheim?
- Carmen! Where is beef?
It's in the oven.
Tina, can you start
- a new giardiniera
for me please, Chef?
- I need my fennel first, Jeff.
Carmen.
I need my beef!
Ebraheim...
Then I do onion, then I do
potatoes. We have system.
Aight, but you can
punch 'em, blanch 'em,
freeze 'em, fry 'em
before the beef, right?
- Don't mess up our place!
- I'm not missing anything up.
Chef, no! Please, please,
do not touch that.
This is the one time
you listen to me.
Please do not touch that.
That's been going
for 12 hours, okay?
That's my pot, Jeff.
- Everybody know.
- That's her pot.
Use another pot, please,
Chef. Alright? Corner!
♪ 'Cause it just don't end ♪
Hey, Marcus, I need
a double order of bread today,
- okay, Chef?
- Come on, Carmy,
I been telling you
for the past two weeks
the mixer's fucked,
and I gotta do all this by hand.
Plus, Tina keeps messing
with the temperature
- and it's fucking up my rise.
- No inglés.
- Tina, I know you speak English!
- Listen,
Marcus, we're not
meeting dailies, alright?
Vendors are cutting us off.
I don't have the money
to fix it right this second,
but I will get you
a new mixer. Okay?
- I promise you. Yeah?
- Carmen! Buzzer!
Alright, that's the beef.
Come on, gimme a hand.
♪ I said I don't give a damn ♪
Corner! Smaller fry scoops
today, Chef. Behind!
- Not system!
- What is this system?
- Michael's system.
- Carmen, there is a girl.
Yeah, that's Sydney.
She's helping us out today.
Michael's system
makes no sense...
I'm saying something!
Marcus, I say something.
You are my favorite bitch.
Oh, your English
is gettin' tight, Zeebs.
You kidnap a ship captain?
Your mom teach me during sex.
Oh, that's not cool.
I'm fucking with you.
That's how you do it!
- Yo yo yo.
- Hey yo, Gary!
You set up a compost
for me today, Chef?
After I do my thing
in the place.
That's very clear. Thank you.
Behind. Behind.
- Hey, Chef, is there, like,
a family shelf or something?
- Behind!
- Shelf?
- Sorry, um...
Fuck off.
Gracias.
- Bottom right side of walk-in.
- Thanks, Chef.
♪ ♪
♪ Like that all rough ♪ Yo, this shit looks different.
- Corner... Yo, you.
- Yo, family!
Fucking with my program, cousin?
Program started four hours ago.
- I had the kid all morning.
- Excuse me.
Listen, what is going
on with Ballbreaker?
My Insta's completely
blowing up.
You got like
30 followers, dog.
Yeah, I got...
What is that, a diss?
I got 36 followers...
We need the business! Nerds
come in from Rockford to play.
Yeah, like in 1987. You know,
when you were still in
that deadbeat's balls.
How are you?
Good.
How was the recital?
Oh my god,
she murdered it, Tina!
I gotta... H-hold on.
- Listen, you gotta run
this stuff by me first.
- I don't have to do shit.
Hold on. Listen, let's just have
a conversation for a second!
-Whoa. Fuck is this?
-This is Sydney.
I'm staging today.
- You're what-ing today?
- That's Sydney.
She's helping us out today.
- Cousin, you ordering
a different mayonnaise, bro?
- ...bananas?
-No, all you, Chef.
-Yeah, "All you, Chef."
This biff,
- he was usin' them to
make a giant nut muffin!
- It was a play on
a Panettone.
It woulda been beautiful
-if you'd let me finish it.
Fuck! Cousin!
-Fuck you!
Richie Jerimovich.
Pleasure to meet you,
sweetheart.
- Don't say sweetheart,
you fucking weirdo.
- Oh sorry,
Carm, you're so woke.
I meant nothing by it,
Sydney. Saying sweetheart
is just part of
our Italian heritage.
- That's beautiful.
Thank you.
Corner!
- Okay...
- Listen, I'm trying
to talk to you, okay?
Don't be rude and start
doing a million things...
- I don't have time
for this right now.
- I don't remember having time
- to take care of your mom
for six months.
- Don't you fucking...
No, don't you fucking!
I got all kinds of receipts
from my divorce lawyer backing
up 'cause all the time I spent
trying to put your family
back together
'cause you're too much of
a cocksucker to come home!
The guys are texting me.
You're telling them to do all
sorts of weird shit backwards.
Don't fucking do that, Carmen!
Don't go messing
with their heads and ordering
different mayonnaise
and hiring new fucking broads
without talking to me first!
This is your brother's house,
okay? Yeah? Remember?
I was running it
fine without you.
Why didn't he leave it
to you then?
- Low on olive oil, Carmen.
- Heard.
♪ ♪
♪ Huh huh huh ♪
Where's my knife?!
Chefs, we gotta
sharpen our knives
- when we got a sec!
- You gotta sharpen
your brain when
we get a second.
You been here for two weeks,
we been having money problems
for two weeks.
One plus one equals
you're an asshole, Bobby Flay.
Don't call me Bobby Flay!
Sydney, stir
- that pot for me,
please, Chef.
- Yes, Chef.
- You want a cartouche?
- What's a cartouche?
- What's our best day here?
- Five.
Okay, Ebraheim, get me
a pot for the giardiniera!
So if we do six, that'll get
us through the week, right?
- So, Ballbreaker.
- Just make it easy
- and make the fucking spaghetti!
- Don't say spaghetti!
- All these knives are dull!
- Spaghetti's
the biggest seller, Carm.
-That shit was straight-up fire.
-Straight-up done now, Chef.
Behind.
- Yeah, but why?
- Because fucking 11 Madison Park
dickhead over here,
he couldn't figure it out!
- Housekeeping, Chefs!
- Again, what the fuck
are you saying?
Anyone understand
what he's saying?
Housekeeping means you have
to clean your stations
'cause this place
is fuckin' gross.
I refer to everybody as Chef
because it's a sign of respect,
and I never said I couldn't
figure out the spaghetti.
I said it doesn't make
any sense on this menu,
so it is done. The end.
Three hours to open, Chefs!
Who are you yelling at, Carmy?
There's like four of us in here.
Now, let me ask you something.
If the spaghetti
didn't make any sense,
how come everybody
fucking loved that shit?
- Everybody did love it.
- Everybody doesn't
have any taste.
It was an under-seasoned
over-sauced mess.
- It took seven hours to prep.
- Oh, fuck!
You know what?
This shit right here
made you pompous and delusional
and a fucking gayrod!
These guys, they taught you
how to cook with ants,
but none of these fuckwads
taught you how to make a pasta!
Probably should learn
how to make pasta, Carmy.
A, I know how to
make pasta, Marcus.
B, I hate to break
your hearts, motherfuckers,
but that gluey, mushy bullshit
is not bailing us out this time.
Ballbreaker is.
Fak's raising plays
to a dollar,
so shut the fuck up!
- Who the fuck is Fak?
- Tina! Did you take
my knife, Chef?
Did you take my pot, Jeff?
- Fuck!
- Neil Fak!
This fucking fairy's
butt-buddy. He's...
Whoa!
- Why is the beef so hot?
- 'Cause we
just took it out.
- Two hours late?
- Two hours longer!
Wrigley didn't deliver
enough meat this week.
- Why didn't Wrigley deliver?
- Because we're out of money!
The only beef I could get
was bone-in, which
you have to braise, alright?
It takes two hours longer.
The good news is
- we can stretch it by
cutting the bread shorter...
- Call Wrigley.
- ...and using less gravy.
- Call Wrigley! Which is not
how we have ever done
a beef here in 25 years, Carm!
- System, baby.
- System!
- You can barely afford to pay
people, but sick system.
- Don't fucking
talk to me about labor, Noma!
I thought this was your house!
♪ ♪
Fuck all this.
Announcement! Listen up!
Bread stays the same!
Gravy stays the same!
♪ Let it go, baby ♪
♪ Now ♪
♪ I'm gonna kick back
down and see ♪
Ballbreaker!
A buck's not gonna
get 'em anywhere, Bear.
- It's just too difficult.
- Yeah, Fak, that's the point.
- It's already ultra confusing.
- Yeah, homie,
it-it's a Norwegian knockoff
of Mortal Kombat.
Part of the reason why
this machine got recalled
in the first place,
aside from the excessive
and irresponsible violence,
is it's just too difficult!
It's a fighter
and a fucking scroller.
Also, sorry.
I didn't make it to the funeral.
I sent flowers,
- and I really hope
they looked nice.
- I don't know. I wasn't there.
- How long's this gonna take?
- It's gonna take an hour.
Aight, it's gotta be faster.
Yo, Sweeps,
can open up the windows
in the back, please?
- Later.
- Carmy, you're bleeding!
- Shit! Man, stupid
dull-ass knife!
- Corner!
- You're making me queasy.
- Fucking damn it, Ebraheim!
- Carmen, your fault! Say corner!
- Blood! You see?
Good! Good! Y'all happy now?
Can I have
my fucking knife back?!
♪ ♪
Ebraheim,
I swear to God,
she looks fucking beautiful.
You would've lost your mind.
- That's fire, Chef.
- And all of a sudden,
- the guy's back in my face!
- Hey!
Guys, look, we gotta line up!
We got service
in an hour, alright?
I'm like, listen, if you're
gonna get in my face,
- we're gonna have a problem.
- Hey! Cousin!
- Yeah, one second.
- Seriously, I wanna
start defining our roles
- a little bit more
clearly, alright?
- Hold on a second here.
- We're just... Hold on a second.
- Cousin. Seriously, Cousin!
Trying to get some work
done here, capiche?
This the dude from
the hot dog stand?
- This is
his twin brother...
- Fucking lying.
- ...which I found out later!
I found out later.
You lying!
But at this point, I think it's
the guy from the hot dog stand,
and I'm like, listen,
go home already!
Get the fuck outta here!
Oh my god! I'm like...
So, I'm like, okay,
now there's a problem.
I'm trying to enjoy my tacos,
you're ruining my date, right?
So, this guy,
he pulls out a revolver.
Come on.
-Swear to God!
And I'm like, oh my god,
wh-where did you get that?
What, did you steal that
from the museum gift shop?
You know, like, who
are you? Mr. Bogart?
Please, what are we doing
here...
Hey, Tina,
I gotta go see my sister.
- You hold down the fort?
- Yeah, sure. Listen, Jeff.
How come your sister don't
come by here no more?
Oh, you gotta ask her.
♪ I dreamed about
killing you... ♪
- Hi.
- Yo. You didn't put it
in a bag or anything?
That's how you say hello to me?
- Hi.
- Hi there!
♪ Dying on the banks ♪
♪ Of Embarcadero skies ♪
♪ I sat and watched
you bleed ♪
You smell like this place.
Hi.
Sorry. I just...
hate seeing you here.
Yeah, well...
♪ Your cold, hot blood
ran away from me ♪
These labels.
- Marcus!
- What?
Where are the chili flakes?
It's the most Polish shit ever.
- Cousin organizes it,
it's more confusing...
- Right there.
Labeled "chili flakes."
What does Sweeps stand for?
I swept St. Louis three times
and had a no-hitter.
My real last name is Woods.
♪ ♪
♪ I printed my name
on the back of a leaf ♪
♪ And I watched it
float away ♪
You talk to Mom?
- No. Uh...
- I know she'd love to see you.
No, I know, I know. I just...
♪ The wind blew me back... ♪
I've been trying to call you.
You haven't called me back.
Yeah, no, I know. I just...
I've been busy.
I've been working, so...
- Uncle Jimmy wants
to buy this place.
- It's not for sale.
- I know. That's what
I wanted to tell you.
- That it's not for sale?
No, that I think
we should sell it to him.
So he can flip it
into an Applebee's?
No, no, I-I'm trying to
to do something here, Sugar.
Okay, I was so excited
for you to come home.
♪ Via Chicago... ♪
Gotta go. Um...
Okay.
I'm okay.
- Okay?
- Okay.
I'm gonna fix this place.
♪ Searching for home... ♪
No one's asking you to.
♪ Searching for home
via Chicago ♪
Um, I really... I gotta go, okay?
- Bear.
- Yeah?
I love you.
Thank you for this.
You're welcome.
Welcome back.
Time to try the new sandwiches.
Behind!
Corner!
Marcus, rolls, please, Chef!
Fuck. Again!
- That's crumbly! It's too dense!
- Doing it by hand!
- Yo.
- It's the mixer.
It's not the mixer, alright?
It's crumbly.
The oven's too dry.
You need to fill
a baking sheet with water,
put it on the oven floor,
throw in another batch, okay?
- Don't tell me how to do my job.
- Just do it!
Yo! Somebody come
try this! Cousin!
Yeah, right!
There you go, Chef.
Chef.
What's goin' on?
What do you think?
- It's redundant and white,
just like you.
- Heard, heard, heard.
Tina. Salt? Beef? It's tender?
- Very good, puta!
- It's nice? We happy? Happy?
Alright, alright.
Yo, Sydney!
Try this business.
- Oh, fuck.
- Mm-hmm. You know that's fire.
- Yeah, fuckin' fire.
- Mm-hmm.
So, how you gonna
pass the family test?
Delicious or impressive?
Delicious is impressive.
Word. Word...
♪ ♪
That dude looks like a carrot.
- Is that a fucking carrot?
- I mean,
it's clearly a carrot.
Do you not know what
a carrot looks like?
We're gonna need more bread.
See, it's all good till
it starts making this weird
- "guggugguggug" sound.
- Oh my god,
that's a classic sound with
these fucking pieces of shit.
Hey, did you know Michael?
Dude, he was like
one of my best friends,
but then fuckin'
it got dark at the end...
Corner! How we looking
on that bread?
- Coming out soon.
- Fak, watch your back.
- Hey, Chi-Chi, yeah,
come get your jacket.
- Corner!
Yo! Yo! Fak, how we looking?
Dude, I'm gonna be
able to fix this, dude.
- Do you have any, like,
stale bread? Thank you.
- Right there.
- Corner!
- Chef! Corner! Behind...
- Fak, watch it.
- Hey, I'll pay you
in sandwich, yeah?
- Deal!
- No shit deal!
- Oh, fuck off, man.
- Hey, was Richie
always an asshole?
Dude, always and forever.
Dude, he's the fucking worst.
- Mm, yeah. He sucks.
- Dude, he's not a nice guy.
- He's just... He's sad inside.
- Yeah.
Fak...
Dude...
♪ ♪
- Yo, family's up!
- Yeah! Woo! Let's do this!
- Oh my gosh. I smell...
- That looks so good!
- Damn, Sydney!
- Let's go!
- What do we got
going on over here?
- Yeah, we got a stew,
rice, plantains,
and a little fennel salad.
Alright, I'm interested.
Ebra, yo, let's do this.
- I bring my own.
- This looks like shit.
Oh, come on.
Don't pay any attention.
That's not nice.
That's not nice.
I don't eat pork.
- It's not pork. It's beef.
- He never eats.
- It look like pork.
- Alright, alright,
I'll start. I'll start.
I'm grateful for Philip K. Dick.
Fak, you're up.
Me?! Uh, I-I'm tha... uh...
thankful for my-my cats Ralph.
They both named Ralph?
Yeah. It's just, like,
it's easier that way.
- Ralph and Ralph.
- Alright, Tina,
you're up. What's up?
I'm grateful for all
y'all motherfuckers.
Look at you, fucking softy!
I guess I'm grateful that...
Richie didn't come in here
wearing that cologne today
that he always be wearing.
You know, it smell like
a pine tree and shit.
Smell like onion under arm.
Onion under arm!
- Chef, you want a plate?
- All good. Thank you, Chef.
You can have mine
if you change your mind.
What?
I just never had plátanos
with, like, grass on it.
Yo, shit. Cousin, Cousin.
Cousin, yo, it's getting
crazy out there.
- Come give me a hand.
- Nah, bro.
This is on you.
Yo, Tina, how about these
plátanos though, right?
- Yo, really?
- Yeah, really.
- This isn't my house, remember?
- I didn't say
I didn't like 'em.
- She was just... She was
just saying she was...
- You didn't eat them.
Blockers!
Blockers! Blockers!
Yo! Eh!
- Everybody relax!
- Things are fucking alright!
Yo!
Eh, stop banging on the fucking
glass! My guy, stop banging...
- Get off me, cocksucker!
- Fuck you, man!
♪ Breaker... ♪
Merry Christmas, Lizards.
Sounds like we got
a real problem out here.
Any of you Incel-QAnon-4Chan...
Snyder-Cut motherfuckers
wanna out of line now?
Anybody?
Yeah.
Didn't think so.
Cousin.
- You alright?
- Thank you.
So we're gonna have a little
tournament here today.
We are gonna be on
our best behavior.
We're not gonna scare
any of the regulars.
We're not gonna touch 'em.
We're not gonna
look at 'em all weird.
We're not gonna do any
of that spectral shit!
Yes? Good.
You're gonna purchase
one Italian Beef combo
to enter. Now,
this is a single
elimination tourney,
so you lose,
you get the fuck out.
- No two ways about it.
- You win...
free Italian Ice for a year.
Also...
Also...
Also...
I hate litter.
So, you cucks are gonna
clean up after yourselves,
and you're gonna
goddamn recycle.
Fuck you.
- Cousin, how fucking dope is that?!
- - - Not dope at all.
What are you talking about?
I brought that crowd in!
- That's a lot of
money out there!
- That we're not prepped for!
I shoulda let those turkeys
eat you, Carmy, I swear to God.
Today was not the day to
go fucking with the system.
- System, system! Cousin...
- Hey, I don't care.
I do not care what
you do up in Napa
with your fucking tweezers
and your foie gras.
You got no fuckin' idea
what you're doing here!
None! Zero!
So we are gonna stick
with what works,
and we are gonna
fuckin' make sure
we got enough food to
feed these fuckin' dorks.
So get your ass back in there,
and you make that
fuckin' spaghetti.
Sydney...
Sorry about the gun, babe.
I had to get real.
Mm...
Goddamn...
Yo, Carm. Check it.
That's good.
You see that difference?
-Big time. Steam tray.
You were right.
-Yep.
You can throw down, huh?
Hey, grab me a fresh parm brick?
Heard, Chef.
♪ One, two, three, four,
five against one ♪
♪ Five, five,
five against one ♪
♪ Said one, two, three, four,
five against one ♪
♪ Five, five, five, five,
five against one ♪
♪ Torture from you to ♪
♪ Me, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Abducted from the street... ♪