The Batman (2004–2008): Season 5, Episode 6 - Joker Express - full transcript
How is the Joker mind-bending Gotham's citizens into committing crimes for him? Batman, Robin and Batgirl go underground to derail Joker's plot.
Wow, today was so busy it wasn't even funny.
Ms. Potter.
Sorry, I, uh-- Excuse me.
Ms. Potter?
Oh! Ms. Potter.
Huh?
What's so funny?
Going somewhere?
I don't think so.
Tortured smile,
uncontrollable laughing fits.
Joker.
Hardly seems like a simple
bank scheme is worth his time.
Who said it was simple?
We did what we could,
but the outbreak was too scattered.
- Too random to contain.
- Tell me about it.
I had my people all over Gotham trying
chase down these giggle bandits.
Fortunately, the change was only temporary.
The victims have no idea
what came over them or why.
Clearly, Joker infected these people
to do his criminal bidding. But how?
That's the million-dollar question.
None of his victims seem
to have anything in common.
What kind of person lets himself
go all giggly for that goon?
Hey, it wasn't their fault.
Joker obviously got to them.
Maybe he used a gas or powder...
...or, ha, something. I don't know.
You saw the tox screens.
There was no trace of
anything in the victims.
- Ha-ha-ha!
- Hey, I'm being serious here.
So-- So am I.
Oh, boy.
The jewelry store.
- But who are they chasing?
- Ha-ha-ha!
Batman, we've got a situ--
- Ha-ha-ha!
- Unh!
Oh, no, you don't.
Hey. Unh! Whoa!
Come on, Batgirl, snap out of it.
Okay, this time,
I'm not fooling around.
Unh! Aah!
- Batgirl.
- Huh?
- Is it safe?
- Ugh.
A brief time-out should
reset her personality.
- Batman?
- How do you feel?
Confused. What's going on?
Someone got a case of the giggles.
Who?
Oh! No. Oh, I must've
been really out of it.
I hate pearls.
Do you know where you were
taking the stolen jewels?
No, but I've got an idea.
Looks like the fish
are biting tonight.
Ahoy, landlubbers.
Stop by to see me off?
How thoughtful.
Punch, gun it.
Bon voyage, Bats.
Great. Now what?
We figure out how he got to you.
Cute jacket.
This tanks.
You got a better idea?
No, but that doesn't make following
the shopping queen tank any less.
Joker did something to Barbara
at some point during her day.
Yeah, and by retracing her steps,
we're hoping to figure out when and where.
But Bruce, we just spent the last two
hours watching her shop for handbags.
Well, you're in luck. I think
she's moved on to the main event.
Comic books?
Shoes.
Ooh.
After her morning shopping trip,
Barbara took the train to school.
Let's just hope they don't
have a shoe store on campus.
We could use some help here.
We got our own problems.
This was the scene last evening.
If this particular giggle bandit
looks familiar, he should.
It's none other than
billionaire Bruce Wayne.
Proving even Gotham's elite can
fall prey to Joker's schemes.
Annoying, isn't it?
Welcome to my world.
Of course, all charges have been dropped
against Mr. Wayne and his companions...
...despite a scuffle
with the police.
The authorities are lucky to have
sustained as few injuries as they did.
This time, Joker's victims...
...threw their stolen property
off the East Canal bridge.
Wait a minute.
That woman looks familiar.
She was on the train.
Yeah, who could forget that hat?
The boy with the piercing,
the old man.
They were there too. They all were.
The commuter train.
Joker's using the train.
How does he brainwash people with a train?
The lights.
Life getting you down, bubby?
Feel like you're just
along for the ride?
Then relax. Clear your minds.
And look into the lights.
The peaceful lights.
The soothing lights.
Make sure everyone stays
out of the first car.
Blast. Public transportation.
What's the matter with the lights?
Your scheme has just been derailed.
Excuse me.
I'm the conductor here.
And all passengers must
get their tickets punched.
Boys?
Well, isn't that hospitable?
Judy wants you to have his seat.
Heeyah!
Whoa!
If you'll excuse me,
I've got business to conduct.
Runaway train, anyone?
We're heading for a dead end.
But we've got all those
passengers back there.
And no air bags.
Grab my arm.
Come on. We make the rest
of this trip on foot.
It's all caves and
tunnels down here.
Like a giant hunk of Swiss cheese.
In the late 1800s Gotham was
a thriving coal-mining town.
Who knows how many tunnels
riddle the city's foundation?
Ooh, crime fighter and history
professor all in one.
I'm so glad you decided to drop in.
It must have been exciting
in those days.
Such dangerous work down
in the mines.
What with all the accidents,
cave-ins and poison gas.
Ahh. Mm, mm, mm.
End of the line.
Rise and shine, bat gang.
Look, you have your very own cage.
Just like Ralph here.
It's a pretty good haul,
don't you think?
Just imagine what I'll get
for these on the Internet.
Let me guess. You're going to
run us over with your train.
Real original.
I assure you, that joke is
too obvious, even for me.
No, I've cooked up a far more crushing
defeat for my little cave bats. Ha, ha.
You see, you were right about
all the tunnels under Gotham.
The place is lousy with them.
So I thought I'd
spruce them up a bit.
Dynamite.
Miles of it.
Just imagine, all these
tunnels blowing at once.
The entire city swallowed into
a great big sinkhole.
Ah. Ashes to ashes,
and all that rot.
Ooh, love to chat,
but I've got a schedule to keep.
Ta-ta.
This is the Cuckoo Choo-Choo,
now leaving on Track 9.
Next stop, city limits,
and the end of Gotham as we know it.
Mwah!
All aboard!
- GPS?
- It can tell us where we are.
I can tell you where we are.
Stuck in a cave, miles below the surface.
I hate to say it, Batman,
but he's right.
There's no way we
can catch Joker now.
We've got nothing.
Not so.
We've got explosives.
Good heavens.
Sorry about the mess, Alfred.
The front door too
conventional for you, sir?
You hear that?
Get in.
You gotta be kidding.
Train approaching.
That's it. We're moving.
Only three more miles
to the city limits.
I'll miss you, Gotham,
and the swell times we had together.
But most of all,
I'll miss the good old Battyman.
I mean-- Huh?
Oh. I was so close.
It seems like we're always saying goodbye.
Huh?
Cover me.
Oh, hoo-hoo-hoo! Circus time.
Say goodbye, Gotham. Ha-ha-ha!
Uh?
- Grr....
- Sorry, Joker.
You can't send a signal without a battery.
Aah! I've been railroaded?
- Oh.
- Last stop, Joker.
You know, it's really a shame to seal it up.
Maybe you should expand. Add a Batgirl cave.
Batgirl cave?
I'm old enough to have my own cave.
I can park my cycle there...
...bring in some exercise equipment,
a couple of beanbags.
How come she gets her own cave?
I want my own cave.
Nobody's getting their own cave.
Well, gotta go.
- And where are you off to in such a hurry?
- Late for a train?
Midnight madness sale at Gotham Shoes.
You coming with me?
She's a regular joker.
Ms. Potter.
Sorry, I, uh-- Excuse me.
Ms. Potter?
Oh! Ms. Potter.
Huh?
What's so funny?
Going somewhere?
I don't think so.
Tortured smile,
uncontrollable laughing fits.
Joker.
Hardly seems like a simple
bank scheme is worth his time.
Who said it was simple?
We did what we could,
but the outbreak was too scattered.
- Too random to contain.
- Tell me about it.
I had my people all over Gotham trying
chase down these giggle bandits.
Fortunately, the change was only temporary.
The victims have no idea
what came over them or why.
Clearly, Joker infected these people
to do his criminal bidding. But how?
That's the million-dollar question.
None of his victims seem
to have anything in common.
What kind of person lets himself
go all giggly for that goon?
Hey, it wasn't their fault.
Joker obviously got to them.
Maybe he used a gas or powder...
...or, ha, something. I don't know.
You saw the tox screens.
There was no trace of
anything in the victims.
- Ha-ha-ha!
- Hey, I'm being serious here.
So-- So am I.
Oh, boy.
The jewelry store.
- But who are they chasing?
- Ha-ha-ha!
Batman, we've got a situ--
- Ha-ha-ha!
- Unh!
Oh, no, you don't.
Hey. Unh! Whoa!
Come on, Batgirl, snap out of it.
Okay, this time,
I'm not fooling around.
Unh! Aah!
- Batgirl.
- Huh?
- Is it safe?
- Ugh.
A brief time-out should
reset her personality.
- Batman?
- How do you feel?
Confused. What's going on?
Someone got a case of the giggles.
Who?
Oh! No. Oh, I must've
been really out of it.
I hate pearls.
Do you know where you were
taking the stolen jewels?
No, but I've got an idea.
Looks like the fish
are biting tonight.
Ahoy, landlubbers.
Stop by to see me off?
How thoughtful.
Punch, gun it.
Bon voyage, Bats.
Great. Now what?
We figure out how he got to you.
Cute jacket.
This tanks.
You got a better idea?
No, but that doesn't make following
the shopping queen tank any less.
Joker did something to Barbara
at some point during her day.
Yeah, and by retracing her steps,
we're hoping to figure out when and where.
But Bruce, we just spent the last two
hours watching her shop for handbags.
Well, you're in luck. I think
she's moved on to the main event.
Comic books?
Shoes.
Ooh.
After her morning shopping trip,
Barbara took the train to school.
Let's just hope they don't
have a shoe store on campus.
We could use some help here.
We got our own problems.
This was the scene last evening.
If this particular giggle bandit
looks familiar, he should.
It's none other than
billionaire Bruce Wayne.
Proving even Gotham's elite can
fall prey to Joker's schemes.
Annoying, isn't it?
Welcome to my world.
Of course, all charges have been dropped
against Mr. Wayne and his companions...
...despite a scuffle
with the police.
The authorities are lucky to have
sustained as few injuries as they did.
This time, Joker's victims...
...threw their stolen property
off the East Canal bridge.
Wait a minute.
That woman looks familiar.
She was on the train.
Yeah, who could forget that hat?
The boy with the piercing,
the old man.
They were there too. They all were.
The commuter train.
Joker's using the train.
How does he brainwash people with a train?
The lights.
Life getting you down, bubby?
Feel like you're just
along for the ride?
Then relax. Clear your minds.
And look into the lights.
The peaceful lights.
The soothing lights.
Make sure everyone stays
out of the first car.
Blast. Public transportation.
What's the matter with the lights?
Your scheme has just been derailed.
Excuse me.
I'm the conductor here.
And all passengers must
get their tickets punched.
Boys?
Well, isn't that hospitable?
Judy wants you to have his seat.
Heeyah!
Whoa!
If you'll excuse me,
I've got business to conduct.
Runaway train, anyone?
We're heading for a dead end.
But we've got all those
passengers back there.
And no air bags.
Grab my arm.
Come on. We make the rest
of this trip on foot.
It's all caves and
tunnels down here.
Like a giant hunk of Swiss cheese.
In the late 1800s Gotham was
a thriving coal-mining town.
Who knows how many tunnels
riddle the city's foundation?
Ooh, crime fighter and history
professor all in one.
I'm so glad you decided to drop in.
It must have been exciting
in those days.
Such dangerous work down
in the mines.
What with all the accidents,
cave-ins and poison gas.
Ahh. Mm, mm, mm.
End of the line.
Rise and shine, bat gang.
Look, you have your very own cage.
Just like Ralph here.
It's a pretty good haul,
don't you think?
Just imagine what I'll get
for these on the Internet.
Let me guess. You're going to
run us over with your train.
Real original.
I assure you, that joke is
too obvious, even for me.
No, I've cooked up a far more crushing
defeat for my little cave bats. Ha, ha.
You see, you were right about
all the tunnels under Gotham.
The place is lousy with them.
So I thought I'd
spruce them up a bit.
Dynamite.
Miles of it.
Just imagine, all these
tunnels blowing at once.
The entire city swallowed into
a great big sinkhole.
Ah. Ashes to ashes,
and all that rot.
Ooh, love to chat,
but I've got a schedule to keep.
Ta-ta.
This is the Cuckoo Choo-Choo,
now leaving on Track 9.
Next stop, city limits,
and the end of Gotham as we know it.
Mwah!
All aboard!
- GPS?
- It can tell us where we are.
I can tell you where we are.
Stuck in a cave, miles below the surface.
I hate to say it, Batman,
but he's right.
There's no way we
can catch Joker now.
We've got nothing.
Not so.
We've got explosives.
Good heavens.
Sorry about the mess, Alfred.
The front door too
conventional for you, sir?
You hear that?
Get in.
You gotta be kidding.
Train approaching.
That's it. We're moving.
Only three more miles
to the city limits.
I'll miss you, Gotham,
and the swell times we had together.
But most of all,
I'll miss the good old Battyman.
I mean-- Huh?
Oh. I was so close.
It seems like we're always saying goodbye.
Huh?
Cover me.
Oh, hoo-hoo-hoo! Circus time.
Say goodbye, Gotham. Ha-ha-ha!
Uh?
- Grr....
- Sorry, Joker.
You can't send a signal without a battery.
Aah! I've been railroaded?
- Oh.
- Last stop, Joker.
You know, it's really a shame to seal it up.
Maybe you should expand. Add a Batgirl cave.
Batgirl cave?
I'm old enough to have my own cave.
I can park my cycle there...
...bring in some exercise equipment,
a couple of beanbags.
How come she gets her own cave?
I want my own cave.
Nobody's getting their own cave.
Well, gotta go.
- And where are you off to in such a hurry?
- Late for a train?
Midnight madness sale at Gotham Shoes.
You coming with me?
She's a regular joker.