The Batman (2004–2008): Season 4, Episode 8 - Two of a Kind - full transcript

I don't know why...

but this painting
always makes me laugh.

Punch, Judy, wrap it up.
It will look nice in the bathroom.

Bathroom?

I consider the bathroom
more of a library than art gallery.

Judy!

Someone should frame that move
because it was a masterpiece.

The kids are here.

But where's the den mother?

Hey! Huh!

Have you seen my latest piece?



It's called Bat Bits on Canvas.

Oops, gotta run.

Don't look at me like that.
I'm going to be late.

Looks like Joker's gonna need
some new goons.

See if you two can pick up his trail.
I'll join you shortly.

Where are you going?

I have to deal
with a whole other kind of craziness.

Hurry, hurry. Can't miss it.

Yes!

Here's Harley!

Hiya, folks.

Time for an hour of love and laughter
with me, Dr. Harlene Quinzelle.

With Valentine's Day
right around the corner...

Harley's here with helpful advice.



- Talk to me.
- Hi, Harley.

Uh, there's this girl I like...

Three words Romeo,
flowers, flowers, flowers.

And never take no for an answer.
Have a good one, pudding.

What's your query, dearie?

Dr. Quinzelle, last week,
you told a girl named Monica...

to ignore her parents' wishes
and go out with a guy named Stan?

I remember.
Two sweet, crazy kids in love.

I'm Monica's mother.
Where do you come off telling her...?

Uh, sorry, folks. Just some nutcase.

I told you to screen those calls.

We'll be right back.

Think loving thoughts.

Pop psychology at its worst.
That girl's theories are unfounded.

Her professional manner's a joke. And
her training, if any, is shoddy at best.

I love this show!

The girl's more screw-loose than me.

Oh, Jimmy Herbert, network bigwig.
What brings you to the set today?

Let me guess,
in search of fashion advice?

Speaking of advice,
what kind are you giving these people?

Are you questioning me?

Everyone who has an online degree
in psychology, please raise your hand.

Oh, okay.

Then how about we let the professionals
do their job, all right, hon?

This show is supposed to help people.
You've turned it into a circus.

I know. And you wanna talk circus.

Wait till you see
my Valentine's Day special.

Look, there won't be a Valentine's
Day special if you keep this...

Oopsies, gotta get back. Latersville.

Welcome back.
I've got a real treat for you.

An exclusive, very intimate one-on-one...

with Gotham's most elusive bachelor,
Bruce Wayne.

Mmm. What's cooking, good-looking?

Well, Dr. Quinzelle...

Call me Harley. Everyone does.

Okay, Harley.

I'd like to talk about
the Wayne Foundation's...

charity drive for crime victims.

Oh, civic-minded too.
But let's talk about your love life.

Now, Harley, you promised I'd have
a chance to promote the charity drive.

We want the juice, Bruce.

This is your secret life, Bruce Wayne.

- Uh-oh.
- Bruce?

Oh, yeah.

You remember Kiki, don't you, Brucie?

Oh...

Well, she remembers you.
And she's dishing the dirt.

He's faced some
pretty nasty sneak attacks.

But nothing like this.

We have to save him.

It's too late, Robin.
There's nothing we can do.

So we're having a nice dinner,
and suddenly he's all:

"I have to see
to some important business."

Out Bruce Wayne runs,
leaving me to pay the check.

Oh, terrible. Just terrible.

About time someone stuck it
to that rich oaf.

How about we take some calls now?

Hi, hi.
You're on Heart to Heart With Harley.

Evening, Harley. Mr. J. here.
Frequent watcher, frequent caller.

Great show tonight.

Mr. J., my favorite caller.
Nice to hear from you again.

Well, I just wanted to say...

men like Bruce Wayne
deserve to be baked into a giant pie...

and then launched
into the side of a building.

Figuratively speaking, of course.

Gotta say, your mind works
in interesting ways, Mr. J.

I've had enough of this. I'm out of here.

Uh-oh. Hey!

Hold your horses, Brucie.
We're not done yet.

Oh, yes, you are.
I'm sorry, Mr. Wayne.

Neither this woman nor this show
will ever trouble you again.

You're no psychologist, you're a joke.

- But...
- You're off the air.

Wha...? No...!

Oh, the poor kid.

Yanked in mid-show.
She'll be an emotional wreck.

Someone should take advantage of that.

Face it, Harley.

No one's ever gonna take you
seriously as a psychologist.

They just can't see
past my playful exterior.

Story of my life.

Hello?

Dr. Quinzelle?

Forgive the intrusion,
but I just had to meet you.

I'm your number one fan.

I'm Mr. J.

Huh?

Must admit, I'm surprised
that you wanted to hang out.

Most ladies
would find my lifestyle eccentric.

Oh, I may act goofy on TV,
but I'm still a doctor.

Extreme personalities intrigue me.

And an extreme personality like yours might
be the ticket to getting back my old show.

And maybe finally some respect.

Oh.

So you're stringing old Mr. J. along
just to write some tell-all book?

I'll split the profits with you 50-50.

You've got moxie.

I feed moxie to the hyenas.

Sit!

You're good.

Now, what do you say we sit down
and, you know...

have a heart to heart with Harley?

Hmm.

Oh, where do I begin?

I guess for as long as I remember,
I always wanted to make people laugh.

I see.

The neighbors say they saw the doctor
leave freely with Mr. J.

Wonder what he could want with her.

He saw a vulnerable person
he could manipulate.

Someone good for a few laughs
until he got bored.

And join us again next week
when Batman analyzes...

the Freudian implications
of Penguin's umbrella.

It's bad enough the network said
I wasn't a real psychologist.

They said I was a joke.

I happen to like jokes.

Besides, there are worse names.
I know, I've been called them.

Guess we have a few things
in common, huh?

You know what two sad sacks
like us need?

A night on the town.

I don't know.
That seems awfully unprofessional.

- Consider it research for your book.
- But what if...?

You're seen associating
with a certified criminal whack-job?

A costume.

That way no one will know it's you.

Ha-ha!

Harlene Quinzelle becomes Harley Quinn.

No riders.

Oh!

Huh? What was that?

Hi, folks. Don't mind us.

Some fun, eh, kid?

Has anyone ever survived
a night out with you?

There's a first time for everything.

Leave him alone!

Dr. Quinzelle?

Call me Harley Quinn.

What are you doing?

- Joker's a psychopath.
- Huh?

Better than what you are.
A third wheel!

Hold this for me, will you? Thanks.

Here's our floor.

Fear not. Salvation is at hand.

A little trick I borrowed from Penguin.
Remind me to send him a fish.

Authorities are at a loss to explain...

how the diamond was stolen
from the high-security vault.

And a police investigation is underway.

In other news,
there is still no official word...

on the bizarre transformation
of Dr. Harlene Quinzelle.

Huh?

According to eyewitness accounts,
the doctor has been sporting a new look...

while keeping time
with Gotham's most wanted wacko.

Noted TV psychologist Elliot Blaine
offered this observation.

It's no surprise
that Dr. Quinzelle jumped the track.

She was a sad, needy person who tried
to fill the void in her own soul...

by dispensing superficial
relationship advice to others.

What?

I'll have a full profile of Dr. Quinzelle
tonight on my primetime special.

Ah, you big phony.

That was supposed to be
my Valentine's special.

Happy Valentine's Day, kid.

I brought you something.

What?

Pretty.

Oh...

I wanted to give you a present
for all the fun we've been having.

What is it that you want?

Ah, that's what I want.
To get even with those jerks.

I was trying to help people
and now I'm the bad guy?

More of an accomplice, actually.

They should all suffer.

Sounds like a hoot.

What we have with Harlene Quinzelle
is a textbook case of a woman...

deluded by a fantasy image of herself
as a healer and caregiver.

Hey, doc.
I got a text bookcase for you.

Hi, hi, Gotham.
Harley's back for a special farewell show.

Woo-hoo.

Keep your seats, people.
The little lady's just warming up.

Oh, that's right, pudding.

I'm going to set the record straight.

Then finish my broadcasting career
with a big bang!

Let's go.

What? We can't wait for the commercial?

So you didn't like my show?

Well, try this one.

When Animals Attack People I Hate!

It's a comedy.

You're canceled. Again.

Huh?

Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Now, drag her outside
and Joker-gas her or something.

You, ordering me around?

Don't go too far.

I've indulged you
only because it amused me.

Yes, sir.

You little imp.
I can never stay mad at you.

Uh-oh.

Don't move.

Very funny.

You bats won't pull the plug
on my special.

What have you done?

They sent me down in flames.
So I'm returning the favor.

There are three more bombs
planted around this building.

Once they go, all Gotham Broadcasting
comes tumbling down.

Show the man, Harley.

Ha!

Not gonna happen.

I'm okay. Help the audience.

This way, people.

Time to make tracks, boys.

So long, little Harley Quinn.
It's been fun.

The Joker doesn't care about anyone
but himself.

He never has and he never will.

You'd think
a psychologist would know better.

Huh?

Huh?