The Batman (2004–2008): Season 2, Episode 8 - JTV - full transcript

Coming through, sir.

Take a load off, Alfred.

Jolly good, then.

Oh, dear. I trust Master Bruce
did pay the cable bill.

- Good evening, Gotham.
- Joker .

It's me.

Your most underrated entertainer.

Oh, how I've tried
to make you all laugh...

...but I'm not feeling the love, people.

Every time I bring
my brand of funny to Gotham...

...the only sound I hear is:



But who can blame you?

You're all glued to your idiot boxes.

And since the media chooses to focus
on the tragic side of my crime career...

...it seems some hilarious
counter-programming is in order.

So stay tuned for my brand-new sitcom:

Me and the Mayor!

What happens when you team
the crazy crime clown...

...with Gotham's very own
Mayor Grange?

Can't-miss comedy, folks.

And it premieres tonight
on my very own pirate network, JTV.

Just as soon as I abduct my co-star.

Shall I tape it for you, sir?

Next time Joker decides to
target the mayor, I'll drive.

Sorry, partner,
but Cash Tankinson always drives.



Does Cash Tankinson always wear
sunglasses at night...

...and speak in third person?
Just curious.

Yeah, chief warned me
you'd resent the new guy.

So, I'm your first since
what's-his-name, huh?

Bennett. His name was Ethan Bennett.

A real shame Joker went
and turned him into Clayface...

...but Cash Tankinson don't melt so easy.

I'm the last partner you'll ever need, Yin.

I somehow doubt that.

What kind of nut announces his crimes
before he commits them?

Joker has to be kidding if he thinks
he could get past Gotham PD.

Joker's not kidding, mayor.

He's joking.

What's wrong with you?

“Joking.“

- Joker.
- It's the Joker.

Get ready for your close-up, Mr. Mayor.

On the floor, clown boy.

Cash Tankinson's kicking butt
and taking names.

Stop, stop.

Such classic dialogue.

What deadpan delivery.

You are Hee Haw-larious!

Ever consider acting? You're good.

Clown boy, you're going...

Down?

My card.

We'll do lunch.

Thank you, Punch.

Judy, chop-chop.

Joker and the Batman. Sweet.

Tankinson. Tankinson, wait up!

The Batman?

M'! biggest fan.

Punch, run this out to him, please.

Judy, I think this is our tum.

Might have a better chance losing him
in something sportier.

Happy trails, sparky.

Say hello to Cash Tankinson...

...the detective who finally arrests
the Batman.

- Look, the mayor's...
-Hey, I didn't vote for him.

Can't let the two new men in my life
meet like this.

Nice work, Yin.

Just whose back do you got, anyway?

You ditched me.

I always watch my partner's back.

- Sir.
- Anything good on the tube?

The Gators are trailing miserably.

So are we, but I have the feeling
Joker's about to announce his next move.

Quite astute you are, sir.

Me and the Mayor is about to premiere.

Help! Someone help me, please!

Oh, why the long face, Mairzy Dotes?

Let me go, you maniac.

Don't you fret. I have just the thing
to tum your frown upside down.

No, stop!

I have a family.

Why is Joker engaging in
this ghastly business?

It isn't just for the laughs.

I know that look. You have another
get-rich-quick scheme, don't you?

Bank robbery? That's cwazy.

So crazy it might just work.

You're light again, sir.

Joker is shooting on location.

At Main Street Bank.

Oh, Punch.

Hey, the mayor and I were gonna rob
the old bank.

Wanna come?

Now didn't we all learn
an important lesson today?

That's right. With a positive attitude
and a smile...

...maybe, just maybe,
we can all get along.

Tune in to JTV tomorrow night
for a new series and a new co-star:

Detective Shades.

Bring it on, clown boy.

You mess with the bull,
you'll get the horns.

It you let this get personal,
it will impair your ability to do your job.

Come on, Yin. Doesn't some part of you
wanna slap that grin off of Joker's face?

At least for Burnett?

Bennett.

I'm not losing another partner
to this madman.

As your senior officer,
I'm ordering you into a police safe house.

What? Police protection?

Cash can take care of Cash.

Fine. Then Cash will take care of Cash
off-duty and out of sight...

...until we bring Joker down.

Well, good luck handling
that lunatic all by yourself.

And since Cash doesn't think you can...

...Cash will.

Chasing down Joker's
hit-and-run camera crew...

...isn't getting Mayor Grange back
any quicker...

...but if the clown's pirating
a broadcast signal...

...maybe we can trace it to its source.

And if we can preempt JTV,
we have a chance of drawing Joker out.

Speak of the devil.

Frequency's locked on .

Tracing.

And the lummox would be?

Yin's new partner.

He's been set up
and he doesn't even know it.

Tankinson?
I told you to stay away from Joker.

Tankinson, get out of there. It's a trap.

I tracked clownie here.

- He's mine.
- If you found Joker...

...it's only because he wanted you to.
He's broadcasting you live, right now.

I'm on TV?

Well, I hope clownie's out
for some cash...

"because it's payday, baby.

Freeze.

Suave sleuthing there, Shades.

But just who do you think's filming you?

Oh, no.

Any trace, sir?

I may not need it.

I know where they are.

Good evening and welcome.

We're here to raise money
for a very special cause...

...saving Detective Shades' life.

You see, Gotham, if you can't pony up
$1 million in donations...

...to me, the detective's toast.

So, what say we open our hearts...

...and our checkbooks
for our dear friend here.

We just received $50
from Grandma Shades.

She says, "Please don't harm
my grandson. I beg you."

Human compassion at its finest.

0K, time to roll those numbers.

Looks like a lost cause.

Maybe it's best we just
put this pup down.

What are you doing?

No! Stop, stop! No, no!

Sir.

All frequencies running to and from
the six active transmitters...

...here in Gotham have been traced,
but there wasn't a pirate frequency.

Active? Then maybe Joker's
using an oldie-but-goodie.

Of course.

The abandoned Gotham
Radio King tower.

Now, why would you want to
pull the plug on JTV...

...when we've been
such a ratings smash?

Gotham's been riveted to their sets,
but once again, no one's laughing.

Maybe it's you, Joker.

Maybe you're just not funny.

It's the viewing public
who doesn't have a sense of humor...

...but I have just the thing
to make them laugh.

Die laughing, in fact.

Lights!

Dispensers of Joker gas
scattered throughout the city...

...and through the beauty of wireless...

...they're set to empty
their chuckle-inducing contents...

...during the course
of rny next transmission.

And with the city dying of laughter,
it'll be yours to plunder.

You betcha, Batsie.

I was going to activate them
during a ratings stunt...

...when I write these two
tired characters off the show.

But now, what could make
more compelling TV than...

...Joker versus the Batman.

Tonight on The Joker:

Will Batman defeat our charismatic star
in time to save the hostages?

Will Joker finally take control of Gotham
once and for all?

To find out, stay tuned.

Same Joker crime,
same Joker channel.

Don't worry, I promise a fair fight.

And by fair,
I mean totally stacked in my favor.

Come on, Batsie, smile for the camera.

If he stops the signal, he'll stop the gas.

Don't let him reach the top of the tower.

I have one partner down
and one who might need backup.

Music to my ears.

Just a few more deep breaths, Gotham.

I don't, I don't get it.

What happened?

What was so funny?

He can't win. This is my show.

Guess I'll have to settle with
being the sore loser.

Sorry, but JTV's cutting all ties
with you two has-beens.

Joker, you've been cancelled.

So have they.

No!

Appreciate the backup.

Speaking of, I'm not the only cop
who followed your television exploits.

While Gotham citizens are recovering
tonight after exposure to Joker gas...

...the rescued hostages
are listed in good condition...

...thanks to an antidote believed
to be left behind by the Batman.

I hate TV.

Detective Ellen Yin recommends
refraining from excess chitchat...

...if Cash wants to be back on the street
anytime soon.

About that, Yin...

...it doesn't look like we'll be
working together anymore.

I requested a transfer to a desk job.

Need a break from the action.

Really? Probably just as well.

I prefer a strong, silent partner.