The Batman (2004–2008): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Bat in the Belfry - full transcript

- He's here.
- Where, Mr. Thorne?

There.

I... I saw him.

What...? What's that?

Take him.

Okay. We split the take, 30-70.

Fifty-fifty.

- How'd you do that?
- I'm The Batman.

Surprise.

I'm touched, Alfred,
but my birthday isn't until October.

It's an anniversary, Master Bruce.



Three years ago tonight,
you first donned cape and cowl.

- Crime flies.
- Chop-chop. Make a wish.

I wish... I wish...

I wish they were here too. Very much so.

To the memory
of Thomas and Martha Wayne...

the reason I became The Batman.

Chief Rojas, can you verify rumors
that it was The Batman...

who apprehended crime boss
Rupert Thorne and his gang last night?

Do you know of anyone
who's actually seen this Batman?

Because he's what's called
an "urban legend."

Why that cheeky...

- Bran flakes, sir?
- Easy, Alfred.

The Batman's right where he likes,
hovering below the radar.

You are not one to bask in glory,
Master Bruce.



Well, there you have it.
In only three years, time...

our crime rate has plummeted to a
nationwide low, thanks to Gotham's finest.

Back to you, Jim.

Next up, billionaire Bruce Wayne
contributes an unprecedented sum...

to Gotham Children's Hospital.

And in sports, the Gators kick off
a new season with tonight's home game.

Which billionaire Bruce Wayne
will be there to enjoy.

Your season ticket, sir.

- Oh, tonight? But I had...
- Work to do in the Batcave?

For The Batman to better remain
below the radar...

Bruce Wayne must occasionally
venture above it.

Get anything on our vigilante
this time, Bennett?

Besides the fact that he
Bat-wrapped Thorne's butt for us?

Well, it's up to you and your partner
to see to it...

that this urban legend
doesn't become a folk hero.

Partner? Since when?

Since I decided two heads
are better than one.

Detective Ethan Bennett,
meet Detective Ellen Yin.

- Formally of Metropolis PD. Their loss.
- Howdy, partner.

Welcome to Gotham.

Now that you two are acquainted...

bring me this Batman, whoever he is.

I know, Alfred. Time for swinging bachelor
Bruce Wayne to put on the party hat.

Rest assured, Master Bruce.
You're never far from the Batcave...

with the modern miracle of Batwave.

Steiner, check.

McSwain, check.

Two-twenty-three, vacant.

Hey.

No one logged any new arrivals.

What are you doing in here?

What the...?

I was feeling a bit screw-loose,
so I checked myself in.

Who...? Who are you?

My card.

No. No.

Let me tell you something.
Old Bats never leaves a trace.

No prints, no follicles,
no match on tire tracks.

- Custom jobs.
- Dude has resources.

And a knack for showing up
where crime is and police aren't.

- I've never laid eyes on him.
- "Just in."

"An unknown perp released all patients
from the east wing of Arkham Asylum."

- What? That's crazy.
- Crazy enough to lure a bat?

You know, I once toyed with the idea
of buying the Gators.

Buying them lunch.

Oh, Mr. Wayne.

Pardon me, ladies.

Arkham?

And among Gotham notables, we welcome
the young CEO of Wayne Industries...

Bruce Wayne.

Grabbing a Gator dog, no doubt.

No doubt.

Gotta work on those stops.

What the...?

That was theatrical.

Takes after his pa, wouldn't you say?

- What did you do to him?
- Just some laughing gas, drag.

Don't tell me you're not an inmate.

What rational being dresses like you?

Speaking of threads,
think this is a good look for me?

- Who are you?
- Joker.

Not what. Who?

Smear-free. It's perma-clown.

Tough crowd.

Look. Nothing up my sleeves.

Nothing that won't put
a smile on your face.

Say "cheese."

I'm out of gas.

And I'm out of patience.

You really know how to spoil
a coming-out party.

How do you expect me to spread mirth
and whimsy without a proper hideout?

Listen, Joker, you're sick. You need help.

Well, maybe I am a little off.

But what are you gonna do,
lock me in the loony bin?

I'm already here.

Situation report?

We're rounding up patients and waiting
for choppers to take us over.

Like we'll get any drier?

New partner. Triathlon whiz.

You know, I really love this place.

My old hideout's a shambles.

And these digs just scream me.

Okay, take back the asylum.

But mark my words,
this town has happy days ahead.

Smile, Gotham.

Well, better split up.

You have the right to remain silent.

Bennett, spot the perp?

The Bat.

Sir, a stranger in the Batcave?

Tonight we'll make an exception.

- Oh, my. Chap could use a dentist.
- Or a medic.

Right, then.

Chief Rojas, any suspects yet in this
bizarre jack-in-the-box hostage incident?

I'm not at liberty to reveal whom.

But I feel confident our best detectives
are closing in on him as we speak.

And Gotham Gator fan Bruce Wayne
with nary an alibi.

- How's our patient?
- Despite the ghastly grimace, fit as a fiddle.

Poor fellow's simply a prisoner
in his own body.

A sample of Joker's gas is our
only hope of deriving an antidote.

And I need to find it before this madman
puts a permanent smile on all of Gotham.

Smile, Gotham.

My old hideout's a shambles.

If I find the old hideout,
I find this Joker.

- Master Bruce, someone to see you.
- Who is it, Alfred?

The police.

Detective, am I under arrest?

- Yo, Bruce.
- Hey, Ethan.

Where you been, my friend?

Master Bruce was
at the Gator game last night.

Speaking of, I thought we were all set
to shoot some hoops last week.

I've been buried, Ethan, 24/7.

- So why the sudden visit?
- Just needed to talk to someone.

Other than the guys
at the station, I mean.

This is gonna sound weird, Bruce,
but last night...

I saw The Batman.

Only a Ming.

So he's for real? What's he look like?

Dude like you or me.
Except he wears Bat-jamas.

Tough part's this, Bruce. I really
believe The Bat's helping Gotham...

even if he is on the wrong side
of the law.

But he's getting a bad rap,
and the heat's on me to take him down.

Looks like a clown hideout.

Stop me if you've heard
this one before, Batman.

There were these two fellows
in an abandoned party-favor factory.

- One says to the other...
- Where are you keeping the gas, Joker?

- You call that a punch line?
- I don't share your sense of humor.

Yet we're linked, you and I.
Like comedy and tragedy.

Two sides, same coin.

The gas, Joker, or I vow I will
turn your smile upside down.

If it's gas you want...

Place all tray tables
in their upright positions.

What is that? it looks like a balloon.

Smiles, people. Smiles.

The balloon's filled with Joker gas.

And he's gonna pop it...

over Gotham.

A balloon downtown
this time of year? That's...

Crazy? I'll drive.

If you're loving me,
wait till you get a load of my pop.

- Stop this thing, Joker.
- With what brakes?

It's The Batman.
And he's pummeling a clown.

The jack-in-the-box, Yin.

What if clowny's the one
behind the Arkham incident?

- Explain the missing orderly.
- Maybe Bats took him because...

I don't know.
The guy needed help or something.

Fair enough. We're chasing two perps.

One's a criminal.
The other's still a vigilante.

Watch your pinkies.

East. Gotham Bay.

You have made me one very sad clown.

Where'd you go?

- Knock-knock.
- Who's there?

My precious gas.
Passed by a party pooper.

I had a different punch line in mind.

- Well, we can take the clown in.
- I know you love to swim.

Alfred, move our house guest
out of the Batcave and prep the lab.

I have an antidote to whip up.

Steiner, check.

McSwain, check.

Two-two-three, new arrival.

Check.

They all said I was sick in the head.

They said I needed help.

Well, maybe I am a bit batty.

Blame it on the bats in my belfry.