The Avengers (1961–1969): Season 5, Episode 7 - The Living Dead - full transcript

Got you.

- That's it, then.
- Good night, Kermit.

(Laughs)

(Continues laughing)

(Bell tolls)

(Shrieks)

In there. I saw him.

- Who?
- I saw him with my own eyes.

- Who did you see?
- He rose up out of the grave.

- The Duke.
- What are you talking about?

The ghost of the dead Duke.



I ... saw him.

He's ... he's in there!

The ghost materialised itself
somewhere near here,

went for a nocturnal stroll,
dropped into the chapel

and then dematerialised itself again.

Ghoulies and ghosties
and things that go bump in the night.

Ding-dong. This ghost made
more of a ding-dong than a bump.

It swung on the bell rope,
kicked up quite a racket,

loud enough to wake the ...
Well, pretty loud, anyway.

Was it just any old ghost
or one in particular?

Very particular. Montague Staplow,
the sixth Duke of Benedict.

He died 1698.

This is the family graveyard.
All the Staplows are buried here.

Not quite all. "Rupert Staplow,
the 15th Duke of Benedict.



"His body lies
we know not where,"

"lost in the Benedict mine disaster."

"This is to commemorate him
and the brave men who died with him."

The Benedict mine disaster.
That was about five years ago.

There were 30 men lost
and the roof caved in.

They were never able to get out.

The pit was sealed off
and the mine closed down.

Well, that lets out Rupert,
the 15th Duke.

It couldn't have been him
who popped up last night.

Do you believe in ghosts, Steed?

Someone does.
Kermit the hermit.

You didn't answer my question.
Do you believe?

Let's put it this way.

Strange happenings need looking into.
You stay here and browse.

I'll go and see Kermit the hermit.

Kermit?

Kermit?

Whoops.

- That's not a very nice welcome.
- I like to be left alone.

I'd like you to ... ooh ...
to tell me a ghost story.

Ghost?

Yeah, like the one you saw last night.

I didn't see anything.
I'd had too much to drink.

When I've had too much to drink,
I see things, hear things.

- Hear things?
- Just go away and leave me alone.

I didn't see anything.
There wasn't any ghost.

There never was a ghost.
Never was.

- The vibrations are marvellous.
- Hm?

The vibrations. They're all around us.
My psyche's absolutely tingling.

Feel it? A sort of ...

(Whistles)

(Moans)

Splendid.

In fact, I'd say it was the best ...
(whistles then moans)

I've ever experienced.

I'm Mandy McKay of FOG.

FOG?

(Bell rings)

Friends Of Ghosts.

Yes, it's superly supernatural here.

(Whistles)

(Moans)

Definitely.

Ghosts all around us.

Er ...?

- Er, Peel, Mrs Emma Peel.
- Mrs Peel.

Yes, they're all here.

And friendly?

Oh, FOG believes
that all ghosts are friendly.

I mean, people are always
being frightened of ghosts,

but they might be frightened of us.

We do give them
a terrible time, you know,

hunting them, exorcising them.

Every time they take a little stroll,
someone's liable to throw a blue fit.

Poor things.

How many ghosts
have you actually seen?

Well, I haven't actually seen any.
But I've sensed them.

There's definitely one here
and I mean to seek him out.

With cant and mumbo-jumbo?
With superstitious nonsense?

- You!
- Me.

I'm about to disprove
all your silly little notions.

George Spencer.
He's from SMOG.

- Mrs Peel.
- SMOG?

Scientific Measurement Of Ghosts.

A society that does not
believe in ghosts, Mrs Peel.

There's a scientific explanation
to all hauntings,

and we find that explanation,
scientifically.

We fight legend with logic,
folklore with facts.

Cold, clinical facts.

You may rest assured,

the dead Duke of Benedict
does not walk this area.

Morning.

Ah ...

Lucky I was flying high,
otherwise you'd have winged me.

You saw the notice back there?
"Keep out." You saw it?

- Yes, yes.
- Well?

Beautiful bright paint,
excellent lettering, easy to read.

I'd have preferred
a four-point doric myself,

but on the whole I'd say
an excellent notice.

It meant what it said.
Keep out. Keep away.

You're in danger
of ruffling my feathers.

(Vehicle approaching)

- What's going on, Masgard?
- Only a trespasser, your Grace.

Your Grace the Duke of Benedict?
John Steed. This is a business matter.

Is there somewhere private
we can talk?

Yes, certainly.

When I have laid all this out,
the trap will be set.

- Do you think you'll catch something?
- I have caught things before.

But only hoaxers, practical jokers.

Never a real genuine ghost.

Well, if you come across a big one,

you can always cut him down to size
with that sword.

You're both unbelievers.
You've got to be in sympathy.

Without sympathy,
you won't see anything.

I fear you're right.
It'll be a long, cold, fruitless vigil.

- Do you intend staying here all night?
- At least until midnight.

The witching hour.

I must apologise for my estate manager.
He takes his duties rather seriously.

This delightful claret
makes up for his discourtesy.

I thought it might.

Tell me, now, Steed,
what did you want to see me about?

Ah, who's this?

Oh, that's poor Cousin Rupert.

- He died in the mine disaster.
- Yes, poor fellow.

He was taking visitors round
at the time that the roof caved in

and the 15th Duke was no more.

And the 16th took over.

What a fine old house.

Ah.

Now, look here, Steed,
what is this business of yours?

My business is shooting.

Shooting?

Well, I heard the game around here
was very good.

I thought I'd ask your permission
to roam around and bang away at it.

I'm afraid that'll be quite impossible.

We've had so much poaching this year,
the game is scarce.

I'm sure you understand.

Oh, yes, yes, poachers, hordes of them.
I'm terribly sorry, my dear chap.

Well, it wasn't a wasted visit, anyway.

I had access to your cellar.

Cellar!
Do you mean he's been down?

- Do you mean you've ...?
- He's referring to the wine.

It's an old English custom to refer
to one's wine stock as one's cellar.

But perhaps he's ...

he's unfamiliar
with old English customs.

It's been awfully nice
meeting you, Steed.

I hope you'll come back again
when we're not so busy.

Sun-tan lotion?

About a ton of it. And that's not all.

No?

The Duke's estate,
hotly defended by gamekeepers.

- Isn't that their job?
- Not to shoot at things out of season.

- What's out of season now?
- Me, and that's not all.

There's a strange chap called Masgard.
He works for the Duke.

He was very nervy
when I mentioned the wine cellar.

- Which wine cellar?
- The Duke's!

Oh. And there's something nasty
in the Duke's wine cellar.

Could be.

Well, what's it to be?
Same again?

- Same again, please, landlord.
- Yes, sir.

What did you find out?

- Nothing.
- Nothing? Nothing at all?

Just a couple of ghost hunters.

One of them's keeping a twilight watch
at the chapel now.

(Echoing taps)

First, there's Spencer of SMOG.

- SMOG?
- SMOG. He does it all by science.

- Then there's Mandy McKay of FOG.
- FOG?

FOG. She does it all by ...

Ah, Miss McKay.

I was just telling Mr Steed
about the Friends Of Ghosts.

- How do you do?
- Hello.

Do you believe in ghosts, Mr Steed?

(Bell tolling)

(Emma) That sword!

(? Plays funeral march)

It's uncanny.

Unbelievable.

Supernatural.

It's an omen, a bad omen.

Hopper? Hopper!

All right, all right.
Keep your voice down.

I want two bottles.

Two bottles of my usual.

No, not my usual.
Something a little better.

Something with a bit more quality.

- That's mine. I earned it.
- Earned it? How did you earn it?

I didn't do any harm.
Just told a lie, that's all.

- About the ghost.
- You said there wasn't a ghost.

That's the lie I told.

There was a ghost, all right.
I saw it with my own eyes.

- But he paid me to say I hadn't seen it.
- Who paid you?

Him up at the Duke's.

Masgard. Masgard paid me.

You are quite correct, Mr Steed.
I did pay Kermit to keep his mouth shut.

Why?

I really don't see that
that has anything to do with you.

I don't mind telling you,
this story about a ghost,

let a thing like that spread and
people will come from miles around,

hundreds of them, maybe thousands.

It could ruin the estate,
frighten the game away.

And as a sportsman, I am sure
that you share my concern for the game.

So I paid Kermit, in order
to stop the story before it started.

Satisfied?

As a sportsman, let's just say that
I share your concern for the game.

Right, ready when you are.

I still don't think you should come.

Nonsense. If you're going
to keep watch, so am I.

- You, an unbeliever?
- A disbeliever.

It's not quite the same thing.
I'm sceptical but I could be convinced.

I still don't feel you're in sympathy.

Spencer wasn't in sympathy,

but the ghost put in an appearance
for him with a vengeance.

Shall we go?

You must promise to do as I say
if a ghost appears.

You tackle his legs.
I'll bash him over the head.

That is, unless he's got it
tucked underneath his arm.

It's cold in here.

That isn't the cold.

It's the vibrations.

They're all around us,
stronger than ever.

- Usual?
- In a minute.

What do you know
about the Duke of Benedict?

This one? No backbone.

Rupert, now, the 15th Duke,
he was a real man.

Things were different
when he was alive.

It was a terrible disaster
when we lost him like that.

- What happened exactly?
- We never did find out for sure.

Mr Rupert was showing off
his mining techniques

to a party of more than 30,
mining experts most of them.

Pitfall, the roof came in.

And they never got them out?

So they closed the mine.

They made it a sort of ...
tomb for them all.

There's a draft coming from somewhere.
Do you feel it?

- It's the door.
- No, it's closed.

So it is.

It's coming from somewhere.

Somewhere over here.

What about Masgard?

What about Masgard?

Hm. Well, where was he?

- When?
- When the mine caved in.

No idea.
He's only been here a month.

He's very familiar with the Duke
if he's only been here a month.

Isn't he, though?

I'd better be going.
If Mrs Peel comes in, tell her ...

Mrs Peel went out to the chapel.

She's keeping watch.

(Bell tolls)

(Screaming)

What's happened? What is it?

The ... ghost.

It took her. It took Mrs Peel.

That's better.

I-I-I ...

Now, just calm down
and tell us what happened.

We ...

We-we-we ...

We were sitting there.

Then there was this ... bright light
and there he was.

- Who was?
- He was, the gh-gh-gh-gh...

... ghost.

The ghost of the Duke,

rising up from his tomb,

all white and transparent.

Transparent?

You could've read
a newspaper through him.

Go on.

He stretched out his arms,
moved towards Mrs Peel.

- And ... and then ...
- And then?

And then I ran.

- And Mrs Peel?
- Didn't run.

I say, I've actually seen
my first ghost.

My dear fellow.

- I've just heard.
- I've seen my first ghost.

I'll do everything I can to help.

I've seen my first ghost,
my very first ghost.

My people are searching the area.
They'll work all night if necessary.

- My first ghost.
- She's seen her first ghost.

Funny business.

- Hilarious.
- I've actually seen my first ghost.

Keep at it.

Good man, good man.

Ah, my dear chap.

- No luck, I'm afraid.
- Well, that's a relief.

I don't relish finding Mrs Peel
in a graveyard.

No, no, no, of course.

Still, we'll keep at it, what?
See what we can dig up.

I mean, see what we can find.

(Kermit) They won't find
anything here.

It's the wrong place.

They should try the mine.

- That's where the others are.
- Others? What others?

Uh-uh.

You have to offer some information.

Now, you said the others were here.
What others?

The 15th Duke, Mr Rupert,
and those that were with him.

What, you mean the men
who died in the mine disaster?

They're not dead.
They're ... still here.

Down there!

(Sobs)

All right. That was five years ago.
They died five years ago.

They're still alive,
alive and ...

down there.

I've ... I've heard them.

- Heard what?
- Them.

Down there, trying to tunnel out.

I've heard them tapping.

(Hysterical sobbing)

(Tapping of pick axes)

(Muffled laughter and chatting)

(Chirping)

(Door opening)

(Footsteps)

(Door closing)

(Footsteps)

(Masgard) Why is this light on?
Who's been down here?

(Duke) I expect they've been
shifting the gear around.

That hoo-ha in the graveyard
set us back a bit.

An unnecessary piece of theatricality.

- Well, I thought ...
- You're not required to think.

Well, it seemed a good idea
to help Steed ...

Any more good ideas
and you'll have to go underground.

- (Thud)
- Well, I'm awfully sorry.

- You're late.
- (Mumbles)

All right, all right, hurry it up.

You weren't serious
about sending me down below?

I mean, you were only ...

- What do we do now?
- You will come to learn we never panic.

There is a solution to every problem.

(Knocking)

(Hopper) All right, all right!

What's up?

- I want to get down the mine.
- You what?

Is there someone in the village
who can take me there?

Look, is there someone
who knows how?

- Well, there's me.
- Oh, good.

- I worked in that mine for ten years.
- Then you can take me down.

No.

- Not there.
- Why not?

There's nothing mortal scares me,
but that pit's a tomb.

- An evil place.
- Oh, come now!

No.

But I'll send you down.
I'll operate the cage.

- But I stay on top.
- Fair enough.

I suppose there's a good reason.

Let's say there's the ghost
of a good reason.

(Door creaks)

I thought so.

It's about the haunting, isn't it,
and Mrs Peel?

I'm coming with you.

Absolutely no.

I couldn't dare not go.
I'd be drummed out of FOG.

You wouldn't want that to happen.

Now, look here, if you think
you can make me change my ...

that you can twist me round your ...

that by rolling
those beautiful blue eyes ...

They're grey, actually.

So they are. They're soft grey.
I love the way they ...

No, no, no.

You let me go first.

(Hopper) That wheel hasn't
turned in five years.

That's the theory.

Cage is over here.

(Footsteps)

Squad, halt!

Right face.

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight,

nine ...

- Fire!
- (Gunshot)

Quick march.
Left, right. Left, right. Left, right.

(Mandy) It's a marvellously spooky
atmosphere.

But no ... (whistles then moans)

I mean, who ever heard
of a subterranean ghost?

(Steed) A ghost is
a spirit of the dead, isn't it?

Well, there must be at least 30 dead
somewhere down here.

All right, Hopper.
Who's down there?

Don't be heroic.
I asked you a question.

- Steed and the girl.
- Girl?

Miss McKay, she's with him.

- Is she now?
- Ohh!

Get an axe.
Cut through the cables.

- We must've walked miles.
- About one mile.

Isn't it far enough?
There's nothing down here.

- Shh.
- What is it?

Listen.

I don't hear anything.

It's stopped now.

But it came from over there.
I'm sure of it.

This could be the rock fall
that trapped those men.

There must be solid rock for miles.
I mean, they didn't get them out.

Oh.

Ha!

- Rupert?
- That's right, Steed.

Rupert,
the 15th Duke of Benedict.

I had hoped you wouldn't get this far,

but you have and now you must stay.

(Shouting)

(Shouting continues)

(Footsteps)

(Door being unlocked)

You!

I've seen your name on a grave.

Perhaps I am dead,
perhaps we're both dead,

and this is some kind of hell.

- Most of the others are dead.
- The men who were with you?

Yes.

There were more than 30 of us,
and now there are just five.

Just five.
All the others have gone.

And that's their only monument.

He kept us down here to build that.

Down? What do you mean?

That street you see.

Have you the faintest idea
where we are?

We are more than a mile and a half
underground.

The sunlight is provided.
So is the fresh air.

- But why?
- Well you may ask, Mrs Peel.

Out.

Masgard.

I don't think we've had the pleasure.

Pleasure?

I've heard all about you, Mr Masgard.

Your friend, Mr Steed ...

Yes ...

What do you think
of our arrangements?

Of course, you can only see
a small part of it from here,

a very small part.

But beyond that street
is a complete town.

Shops, cinemas,

recreation parks, every amenity.

- You look surprised.
- I am.

I know there's a population problem,
but I don't see the point ...

In building a town underground.

Well, it's quite simple.

If an army is to stay under the earth
for ten, perhaps 15, years,

they will need every comfort.

It's essential for their morale

so that they are perfectly ready
when needed.

- An army?
- Quite soon, yes.

Our town is fairly empty
at the moment.

We're operating with a minimum force.

But within a month, we will have
a population of over 20,000.

Trained fighting men
with their families.

And they and all the supplies
they need

will be brought here by submarine.

A submarine to a coal mine?

- It's only a few miles to the coast.
- You gotta have a tunnel.

We have a tunnel.
It's nearing completion at the moment.

A tunnel from here to the sea.

So the mining disaster was a fake.

We had to have the top men
for our task,

mining experts of the highest degree.

And Geoffrey, the Duke of Benedict?

An outer cover man,
I think he might be called.

It's very difficult for us
to go up on top.

Mm, you get so pale
living down here.

I would not have gone up if ...

If Rupert hadn't escaped
and started the ghost scare.

Exactly.

It's far too elaborate
for a private fantasy.

It is neither private
nor a fantasy, Mrs Peel.

My country plans ahead.

And one day soon, we will decimate
your country, up there.

But down here, we will escape
the effects of the radiation,

and one day our army will move.

It will rise up
into the cold, fresh air,

and Britain will be ours.

But that is for the future.

We still have a few problems
of the present to take care of.

Yes, they are taking him to be shot.

Execution squad ... halt!

Right turn!

It's customary to ask,

do you have any last request
before you ...?

Yes. Would you cancel my milk?

Last cigarette?

- Er, no, thank you.
- Oh.

- Do you mind if I do?
- Not at all.

It's important to do these things well.

Yes. Thank you.

Blindfold?

I think so.

No peeping.

- We're ready.
- Good.

(Mandy) Right.
I'll see to it straight away.

Execution squad,
prepare to take aim!

One ...

two ...

three ...

four ...

five ...

six ...

seven ...

eight ...

nine ...

- Fire!
- (Machine gun fire)

For that you definitely
get a mention in my will.

Did the whole of your past life
flash before your eyes?

Yes. Infinitely enjoyable.

- You know what's going on here?
- I've a good idea.

- Highly antisocial.
- Agreed.

- It's got to be stopped.
- Yes.

We've had special instructions
to bury you.

Not just yet,
thank you very much.

Now, who knows
a way out of here?

There are only two ways out,
the shaft itself and the main exit.

Exit? Ah, now,
that's a word I approve of.

That's a good word.
Exit from the Latin "exodus".

To depart from,
to leave, to escape.

To follow me.
Are you coming?

Call out the guard!

This runs up to the lower level.

There are tunnels
leading to various exits.

The wine cellars,
the graveyard, the chapel.

- This is the only way up?
- Yes.

- How about cutting wires?
- Wait until we're on top.

They thought
they were building a refuge.

But they were building a trap.

(Masgard) They will be found!

Every inch of this city
will be turned over!

It's not working.

- The mine shaft. If we hurry ...
- Shut up!

I cut the cables.

- You frightened him.
- Poor dear. He thought he saw a ghost.

- Well, breakfast at the pub.
- That's the spirit.

- Found the trouble?
- Not yet, sir.

- Ah ...
- Yes?

No.

This might be it.

- What?
- Don't move, sir.

Don't you even breathe.

Very delicate piece of mechanism, this.

(Clanging)

- Trouble?
- Thought so.

There's your trouble, sir.

Ghosts, sir.
You got ghosts in your engine.

Ghosts?

Mrs Peel?

Pax.

Sir.