The Avengers (1961–1969): Season 5, Episode 16 - Who's Who??? - full transcript

Steed?

Steed? Is that you?

Phase one complete, Lola.

On to phase two, Basil.

If that doesn't bring
Steed and Mrs Peel ...

... nothing will.

Mrs Peel ... we're needed.

Now I've seen everything.

- Hooper.
- What?

Hooper. He's one of our best agents.
He's a very upright fellow.

- Very.
- Well, let's take a closer look.



He must have been shot with this.

It's a crimson glory. Won first prize
at the Chelsea Flower Show.

It's also Hooper's code name.

A rose. Major B's idea.

He hates the idea of our chaps
being a bunch of spies.

Prefers a bouquet of agents.

What was he doing here anyway?

He came to meet someone.

(Camera rolls)

Here's Mrs Peel again.

Those photos you supplied, Dr Krelmar,
didn't do her justice.

(Krelmar) I agree with you, Basil.
She's enchanting.

Delectable. Ravishing.

Yes, I think I'm going
to enjoy this assignment.



(Shakes dice)

Look at those legs.

Not a patch on yours, Lola.

(Krelmar) Here is Steed.

Well, those photos
didn't do him justice either.

Poised. Charming.

Ooh, I think I'm going
to like this assignment!

That's not what we're here for.

All right, cut it, Krelmar.

We've seen enough.

The ball's in your court now, Doctor.

I'm ready.

But are you sure
that Steed will come here?

Quite sure.

And when I put this on the door ...

... I am equally sure ... he will come in.

(Peel) Steed?

- A clue.
- Rather an obvious one.

It's still worth following up.

(Chuckles) I'll do it.
You take care of the gun.

Still no sign of him.

(Basil) He'll come.

I know Steed. The way he thinks.

He'll be here.

Help you relax.

Tension is dissipated
by a mental attitude. As a psychiatrist ...

- Are you all set?
- Yes.

Time for the unveiling.

Nervous?

I have every confidence in the Doctor.

Our people only hire the best.

I'm going to miss you, Basil baby.

You're not the only one.

Are you all right?

- Doctor!
- Don't fuss.

Touch of migraine.

Migraine? Take one of these.

(Car approaching)

I told you, Doctor. He's here.

Get out of sight. Settle down.

(Typewriter tapping)

Good morning.

Good morning, sir. Can I be of help?

I hope so. Ah, stilts.

For yourself?

A fancy-dress party.

Give me a bird's-eye view
if nothing else.

(Chuckles) We have a large selection.

So I see.

Do you sell many of these nowadays?

It's all right. You're certain.

Please! I experimented during the war.

We had unlimited guinea pigs.

We lost many, but now it is perfected.

Lower the visor.

When you are ready.

If anything should go wrong.

Stop worrying.

It's all so simple.

Have you never felt remote?
Isolated? Detached?

All I have done
is harness this inner self.

Control it
and, as you will see, transplant it.

The mind, the soul, the entire psyche.

From one body to another.

And vice versa.

It is quite safe. You have my assurance.

Now it is vital
to keep the mind and body working.

When I give the signal,
you will start counting.

(Whirrs)

(Bleeps)

Now.

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

11,12 ...

13,14,15,16,

17, 18, 19, 20, 21

22 ...

(Switches off machine)

(Groans)

I made it, lover.

Basil!

- Mm ...
- What's the matter?

I miss the moustache.

So do I.

- You're a genius, Doctor.
- I'm paid to be.

(Spits out cigar head)

Now for Mrs Peel.

Steed.

- I've checked on that gun.
- And?

You'll never guess
who it was registered to?

- Do tell.
- Me. It's a very odd affair.

- Odder than you think.
- Oh?

The stilt shop was empty,
but there was a contraption there.

A weird sort of thing.

An electronic device. Lots of dials and ...

I think it would be better
if you came and saw it.

I'll get my coat.
Help yourself to a drink.

- Er, thanks. I'd ...
- You know where it is.

On second thoughts I think I'd better not.
Keep a clear head and all that.

- Ooh, you have changed. Well, I'm ready.
- Eh?

Good. Right, Emma.

Shall we go?

I only hope he can convince Mrs Peel.

He will. Basil's been well trained.

This operation's taken years to plan
as you very well know.

I think you'll agree our English
is impeccable.

Yes, but why Steed and Mrs Peel?

Why not the heads of state?
The Prime Minister?

Politicians are replaceable.

What we aim to destroy is
the very structure of the security system.

How is that possible?

Your job was to perfect the machine,
not to ask questions!

And I have done so.

It works, as you see.

(Car approaching)

Now this is the place.

They're here.

Leave this to me.

- Right, where's the contraption?
- Shh.

Round there.

(Footsteps approaching)

Mrs Peel, look out!

(Glass shattering)

Steed!

Doctor!

Very foolish, Mr Steed.

I felt that.
That was my face you were bruising.

Go on. Help the Doctor.

I admire your tailor, old man.

- Very good taste.
- More than I can say for yours.

Uh-uh! Your face remember?

Relax, lover.

It's all quite painless.

You should know.

Bon voyage!

Stand by to start counting
when I give the signal.

Now!

One, two, three,

four, five ...

Six, seven, eight ...

... nine, ten.

(Switches off machine)

- Are you OK?
- Mm, great, baby.

That's my Lola.

What do we do with me?

What is good for the goose
is good for the ... Help me, Doc.

We make a very handsome couple.

Come on, lover.
We've got a full programme ahead.

If you shout,
don't gamble on anyone hearing you.

Ah-ah! One second.

Old habits die hard.

Steed! That woman! That's not me!

Save your breath, Mrs Peel.

That's not me either.

(Announcer) 'For those who have
just switched on to "The Avengers",'

'we'd like to explain
that these two villains'

'have swapped minds with Steed and
Emma.'

'So at the moment
the villains look like this.'

'While Steed and Emma look like this.'

'Got it?'

'This is Steed.'

'And this is Emma.'

'And these are the villains.'

'At least I think they are.
On with the show.'

Basil baby!

Steed certainly has taste.

I feel positively immaculate.

- Basil ...
- Hm?

(Grunts)

Shoulders.
I thought you'd done your homework.

Steed has poise,
a touch of the aristocrat.

You slouch like a peasant.

Do you mind?
I know Steed like the back of my...

His hand. Yes, he certainly
has something, I must say.

Mm. I do so agree.

- Dear Lola, Mrs Peel is not unappealing.
- Oh?

As they say,
a change is as good as a rest.

Yeah. But I wonder if they think so.

So you imagine I'm part
of some fiendish plot, Mrs Peel?

I know Steed. And you are not he.

And to quote, or nearly,
you are not she either.

Transmigration. Interchange. Switch.
Swap.

Call it what you will.

No. It's some trick.

Well, I'll say one thing. You certainly
retained your stubborn streak.

Do you remember that drive
from Montbard to Dijon?

- "Turn right," you said.
- You turned left.

- If I hadn't ...
- We'd have missed that chateau.

- Except for the claret.
- The Chablis, Mrs Peel.

It was Chablis. Are you still doubtful?

Well, I know who I am.

And if you are Steed,
I wonder what WE are up to.

(Door opens)

Well, well. This is a pleasant surprise.

It isn't often you two drop by.

Erm, coffee, Mrs Peel, Steed?

Thank you, Major,
but this isn't a social visit.

- Oh?
- We came to see you about Hooper.

- Hooper?
- Hooper.

Ah. Poor Hooper.

Poor, poor Hooper.

How do you interpret his death?

Oh, unlucky break.

Chance encounter
with someone from the other side.

Sorry.

We think it's more far-reaching that that.

We look on it as the beginning
of an attack on the whole floral network.

Oh, but that's impossible.

Well, you know the way I've reorganised.

I've split the whole of Europe
into sections.

We're running the entire show
from these shores.

Even though are agents are based here
doesn't make them less vulnerable.

We want to check the whole network.

Oh.

Well, really, Steed, you know
that information is highly confidential.

I realise their locations
are strictly hush, hush,

but a brief word with each of them
might clear up the whole affair.

All we want is their telephone numbers.

Hm. Er, Tulip ...

(Tulip) 'Major.'

You've got a copy of the list
of network security numbers?

'Yes, in the file.'

- Would you mind bringing it in?
- 'Certainly, Major.'

Thank you.

Oh, we'll get
to the bottom of this, Steed.

Steed, Mrs Peel, how nice to see you.

- Hello, Tulip.
- How are you?

Blooming.

- The file you wanted, Major.
- Ah, thank you, Tulip.

Well, there we are, Steed.
Make good use of it.

- Oh, we will, Major.
- You may depend upon it.

- Goodbye, Major. Tulip.
- Mrs Peel. Steed.

(Chuckles) Ah, splendid pair.

- Splendid, sir.
- Utterly trustworthy.

- Utterly.
- Tenacious too.

I mean, once they're on to an assignment,
they stick to it ...

What the ...?

Oh!

It's merely a question
of contracting the wrist.

Mind if I have a go?

(Exhales heavily) Do.

A spot of kung fu might do the trick.

(Grunts)

Going down.

- Congratulations, Mrs Peel.
- There are some tools over there.

Mrs Peel ... I think we have our key.

But it'll be easier face to face.

One.

Two.

Now then ...

(Line rings)

Hello, Daffodil? Steed here.

Look, I want to see you right away.

Right. At my apartment.

I'll be waiting for you.

True, but unfortunately ...

... when the Doctor left
he took his fiendish machine with him.

And unfortunately we've got to find him.

And the only way to find him ...
is to find the other me.

Yes.

If you were you, where would you head?

Back to my apartment.

Bright girl.

- After you.
- That's better.

I ... suppose you'll know how to start her.

Still don't believe I'm me, Mrs Peel?

You're you.

(? Jazz music)

(Doorbell buzzes)

(Music stops)

- Hello, Daffodil!
- Steed, how are you?

Come on in.

- You know Mrs Peel, don't you?
- Yes. Hello.

Thank you, Daffers.

Help yourself to a drink.

Thanks.
Well, what's this all about, Steed?

Why did you ask me over?

I'll tell you why.

(Music starts)

(Gunshot)

Ah ... Pity to waste it.

Who's next?

- Poppy.
- Oh!

Oh, Poppy, Steed here.

Well, thanks, Poppy. See you soon.

Looks a bit sparse.

Never mind.
Soon there'll be a delightful arrangement.

Hey, Basil ...

- They could be at my place.
- How will you find out?

Check.
There's a call box round the corner.

(Rings)

They're on their way.

We'll let the Major deal with them.

Yes. Got that description.
I'll have my men over there right away.

All clear.

We have trespassers.

Burglars.

And it's the Englishman's inviolable right
to defend his home.

- You know, you won't use that.
- Oh?

And fill yourself full of holes.

(Thudding)

All right. Get them.

- All right, Steed?
- I'm ...

I'm fine.

- Thanks.
- We'll take care of them.

(Announcer)
'For those who have just switched on,'

'we'd like to repeat the explanation.'

'These two villains have swapped minds
with Steed and Emma,'

'so at the moment
the villains look like this ...'

'While our delightfully dashing duo
Steed and Emma look like this ...'

'Very confusing.'

'But stay viewing.
It'll all sort itself out. I hope.'

(Major) For the last time
what are your names? The truth now.

John Steed.

Mrs Peel. Emma Peel.

Sir, madam, as enemy agents

I respect your reticence
in disclosing your identities.

But what can be the purpose
of this ridiculous charade?

Oh, come along now. Be reasonable.

All this nonsense
about swapping psyches. Really!

I know Steed.
I played cricket with him. At Lord's.

The last match
you dropped two easy catches.

Oh. (Chuckles)

You've got it all at your fingertips.
Every minute detail.

(Chuckles) And I expect you, madam,
could tell me the name of my barber?

I might. Except you're wearing a toupee.

Oh. (Chuckles)

Yes, they've got you briefed,
haven't they? Very well briefed.

What a cunning lot you are.

Well, it won't help you.

I'm Head of Intelligence.
Do you take me for a perfect idiot?

No one's perfect.

Major?

(Clears throat) We'll talk outside.

Now, then, have you heard from Poppy?

(Daffodil) They say they're who?

- Steed and Mrs Peel.
- Steed and Mrs Peel?

- Yes. Been swapped.
- Oh, I've heard of a few stories ...

Yes, so have I, but this beats the lot.

Have you ... questioned them?

Oh, yes, yes. Can't be faulted.
Even knew I was wearing a ...

(Clears throat)

- Yes.
- Er ... Oh, nothing. Hm.

It would be different
if they looked alike. Doubles.

I mean, that's been done before.
But swapping psyches, I ask you ...

Anyway, I know an old Etonian
when I meet one.

I can promise you,
that chap in there is no gentleman.

One thing is certain.
They don't believe us.

Well, let's be fair. Would you?

Well, unless we can
get rid of these and quick,

our floral network
will end as a barren garden.

No other way out.

I know.

This might help.

Standard equipment. For an emergency.

And this is definitely an emergency.

All right, Tulip. The moment
you hear from Poppy, let me know.

(Grunts)

Very artistic.

Quite a flair, my pet.

(Phone rings)

I'll get it.

Hello? Oh, yes, Major.

Steed, they've escaped. We're covering
all the exit routes. They won't get far.

I want them alive. They could be useful.

No violence. I must have them alive!

- They've slipped the net.
- They might turn up again.

We've got to find a new headquarters.

How about my apartment?

It's quieter. Much more discreet.

Yes, Major. I'm at Steed's place.

- They've escaped.
- I know. The Major called.

Well, don't worry.
I'll be ready for them if they turn up.

(Sighs) Been having a ball.

The last of my '47.

And not even chilled.

- Now, Steed, don't get irate!
- Irate ...

My cigars! They've been smoking my
cigars!

And he's ... bitten the end off!

- Now ...
- Bitten!

Calm down!

What sort of a fiend are we dealing with?

A man who would bite the end of a cigar
is capable of anything.

Ah! My best bowler is still here.
That's one thing.

Hm.

- Steed ...
- I know.

They've got half the network.

- Call the Major.
- Useless. He knows my voice.

He wouldn't listen to ... me.

Then we've got to locate Krelmar.

And ... ourselves.

I've a shrewd idea where they are.

(Rings)

Emma Peel.

It's me.

Hello? Hello!

Wrong number. Another drink?

- Basil!
- Oh! Oh. (Chuckles)

- Sorry, lover. I was thinking.
- Nice things?

Seems to me that Steed and Emma
have got it made.

Live in the right place. Know
the right people. Go to the right places.

Wear all the right clothes.

You should see her wardrobe.

Basil ...

- Well, why not?
- Take up permanent residence?

Got a lot in its favour. What do you say?

As you say ...

(Dials number)

... it's got a lot in its favour.

Why not?

Major? Oh, Steed here.

Amend my previous instructions.

Those two agents,
they're highly dangerous.

Kill 'em on sight.

Ooh.

(Major) 'Both agents armed and dangerous.
If you spot them, shoot to kill.'

Message understood, Major. Over and out.

Who is next on their list?

I'd say ... Bluebell.

Can you reach him?

I doubt if he'll listen. But I can try.

(Dials number)

(Line rings)

No reply.

We'd better head for your apartment.
Come on.

Tulip, old plant!

(Puffs) A slight misunderstanding.
Come on.

Tulip calling B. Tulip calling B.

(Major) 'B receiving you. Come in, Tulip.'

Major, those agents ... they're assassins!

They've eliminated half our network.

The finest of our flowers.

Call in every available man.

Lost him!

Well, there's no point
in heading for your place.

They'll have men posted there.

It's the Doctor we want.

If he's got the machine, our other
halves will head for him sooner or later.

Yes. Unless they favour
the present arrangement.

Unless they what?

Well, think of the advantages.

They'd have access to every file
and every secret document.

They'll destroy the machine
as soon as possible.

We've got to find Krelmar. And quickly.

I doubt if he's in the phone book.

We'd better find out. Oh!

What's wrong?

I don't know.

Headache.

Feels like migraine.

That's not like you.

I don't happen to be me, remember?

Dr V Krelmar.

"The Manor House, Hambledon."

Well, I'm sure we made the right decision.

We're going to have fun, Lola.
Lots of fun.

- In separate apartments?
- Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

Steed and Mrs Peel
seem to be just good friends.

Well, if they were, they're going
to be a lot friendlier from now on.

Oh, and another thing
about Steed and Emma,

we can infiltrate
into every government department.

The perfect double agents.

Oh, there's another thing. My migraine.

Do you know that I haven't had
a headache ever since ...

- The tablets.
- What tablets?

The ones that Krelmar gave me.
I put them in my ...

In his pocket.

Krelmar's address was on the bottom.

(Dials number)

(Rings)

(Line rings)

Get over there before they do.
Destroy the machine.

(Basil as Steed) There it is.

All in one piece.

(Sighs) How's it work?

How indeed?

(Car approaching)

(Basil as Steed) How nice to see you.

Wonder what I'm doing here.

Whatever the reasons you're very obliging.

Time you were yourself again.

(Machine whirring)

Well?

(Machine whirring)

(Buttons clicking)

I'll check next door to see
if there are some instructions.

(Grunts)

Doctor, they've swapped me back!

Reverse the machine.

- H-how?
- No time to explain. Hurry!

I've got work to do!

- How did they find me?
- Those pills. Now hurry! Get on with it.

(Machine whirring)

Stand by to start counting. Now!

One, two, three,

four, five, six, sev...

Eight, nine, ten.

All right. I'm glad I got here.

Not half as glad as I am.

(Groans)

(Sighs)

It's all right. It's me.
I got Krelmar to switch me back.

Oh, yes?

Oh, now, look, Steed, it's really me.

No, Steed. Don't force me to.

Force you to what?

(Groans)

And if you want further proof ...

(Whispers)

Ooh.

Mrs Peel.

Well, at least I'm back to normal.

Yes, and what about me?

Did you do it?

- I ... I had some trouble.
- But you destroyed the machine?

No. Krelmar stopped me.
He said it was his brain child.

Krelmar stopped you?

I'd give you the pleasure
of dealing with him.

Oh ... I know there have been
some changes lately,

but there are certain things about Lola
I don't want you to change.

Hadn't we better deal with Krelmar?

How's it feel to be back home?

Tulip calling B, Tulip calling B.

(Major) 'Come in, Tulip.'

I've located both agents.
The Manor House, Hambledon. I'm going in.

Not to my taste.

Nor is your perfume.

(Groans)

Well ... that's hurt him
more than it did me.

Does that solve your problem?

(Car approaching)

My pleasure, remember?

This way, Steed.

Steed?

I shall have to get used
to calling you that now.

Not in private.

Let's hear it Lola.

Let's hear my own name.

(Cocks gun)

What's my name?

It's the real Mrs Peel, isn't it?

Sorry. I far prefer Lola.

(Cocks gun)

Sorry!

Look out for that machine!

Look out, Basil!

Thanks!

(Car approaching)

The chair. Quick!

- Can you work it?
- I think so.

(Machine whirring)

Right.

Start counting ... now.

One, two, three,

four, five, six ...

seven, eight ... nine ...

... ten.

(Switches off machine)

All right, stand back.

Steed, Mrs Peel, not too late?

Almost too early.

Ah, good!

Yes, cunning pair, these two.

Tried to pretend they were you.

(Both) Us?

(Buzzes)

Thank you, Mrs Peel.

Oh ... don't tell me
they got the entire network.

Hardly, but the survivors
delivered these personally.

- You are popular.
- It happens to be a special occasion.

- Does it?
- It does.

Well, don't tell me.
Easter's gone. Can't be Mother's Day.

It's too warm for Christmas.
It couldn't be someone's birthday?

It could. Ah, well, I suppose
one should never take a man for granted.

I quite agree.
But flowers are so commonplace.

Now my idea of a celebration
is to take wing on a flight to Paris,

an aperitif at Lafayette,
dinner in Montmartre,

liquors in the moonlight at Saint-Tropez.

I do so agree.

Start packing, Mrs Peel.

Already have.

One should never take a man
for granted, but one does.

Come along, Basil baby.

Coming, honey child.