The Avengers (1961–1969): Season 5, Episode 14 - Something Nasty in the Nursery - full transcript

It's Dobson. Get me General Wilmot.
And hurry! It's urgent!

What? Well, find him!
Tell him I'm at his house!

(Rattling)

(Squeaks)

(In a child's voice) Nanny!

Now come along. Time for bed.

Give that to Nanny.

Come along. Don't be naughty.

Give it to me.

There's a good boy.

(♪ Carousel music)



We're needed.

Ah, now Steed.

Mrs Peel,
General Wilmot, Defence Chief.

He ... he tried to reach me.
They got to him before I arrived.

Poor old Dobson.
One of our best agents.

- He'd obviously discovered something.
- Mm.

Vital defence secrets
have been reaching ...

Dobson chased the leak to three men.

- Isn't that so, General?
- Ah, it's ... it's ridiculous!

Ministers of the Crown, my colleagues,
personal friends, it's utterly ...

It's ridiculous.

- Sir George Collins?
- (Wilmot) Son of the Attorney General.

- (Peel) Viscount Sir Frederick Webster.
- (Wilmot) DSO and bar.

(Peel) Lord William Beaumont.



Second cousin to Prince ...
It's ridiculous!

Anyone else have access
to the information?

No, I conveyed it at various meetings.
So it must be one of them. Ridiculous.

Quite. These men are from good families.
They're British to the core.

Look, this is tricky, Steed.
You'll have to see them.

We have a meeting at His Lordship's.

Well, if one of these men is a traitor,
I'll ... I'll eat my hat!

Deal with the Ministry. I've got to rush.

(Door closes)

That smell. It's like lavender.

The General's aftershave.

Fragrant General.

He's right, though.
These men are above suspicion.

Unless one of them is under pressure.

Blackmail? They're all far too honourable.

"British to the core."
No one can get at them.

No? How about Dobson?
Armed, windows latched, door locked.

Somebody got him.

(Thudding)

(Rattling)

(In a child's voice) Nanny?

(Engine revs)

(Steed) There's Viscount Webster
and Sir George.

But His Lordship,
it appears, is not at home.

(Tap on door)

I'm sorry, my lord.
I ... I tried the bell, but there was no ...

Did you? The butler's out.
I must have dozed off! Anyway, come in.

- Hello, Willy.
- Freddie! (Chuckles)

- Georgie!
- Well, here we are again.

Yes! Here we are again! Here we are again!

Drinkies all round?

Goody! Come and get it, boys!

We're very bright this morning,
aren't we, Willy?

And why not, pray?

Gathered there was a flap
on this meeting.

Yes, I know. Darn nuisance.

I wanted to go out and play.

Golf?

Yes, golf. Can't wait.

Well, let's get on. All busy little boys.

(Chuckles) Certainly, my lord.

At a recent defence meeting,

certain vital secrets
were passed to you by General Wil...

Shh! All very hush, hush.
Wouldn't do for it to leak out.

It already has. That's why I'm here.

- What?
- Here, if you want proof.

(Clicking)

(Whirring)

- I don't believe a word of it, Steed!
- It comes from an unimpeachable source.

Well, maybe, but as far as I'm concerned,
there's only one place for this.

- There!
- What on earth ... Willy, this is serious!

Out of the way, Georgie!
I used to bowl for the first 11, you know.

- Stop this! It's absurd!
- You put me off!

Has he been at the bottle?

(Chuckles) Got you!

In you go! Or old Roberts
will be after us, eh, Freddie?

Roberts?

- Oh, sorry, I ...
- Oh, don't worry.

(Bangs head and groans)

I say, are you all right?! Here.

Oh, yes. I think so.

Come and have a seat here.
There. Sit down here.

Steed, I must be getting back.
I've got a pile of paperwork to do.

No point in hanging around here.
Any more questions, I'll be at my home.

Bad business this.

Oh, well, it's time I'm off.
Call me if you want anything.

Yes.

Are you all right, my lord?

I'm so sorry.
I made a complete fool of myself.

I really must not drink
on an empty stomach.

- Who's Roberts, my lord?
- Hm?

A little while ago
you mentioned someone called Roberts?

Did I?

It's an odd coincidence.

I had a dream about her.

My old nanny.

Nanny Roberts.

Odd sort of dream.

A ball came bouncing in.

I was back in the nursery.

Dear old Nanny Roberts.
Haven't thought about her for years.

But there she was large as life.

Nanny Roberts. I'd like to meet her.

I don't know if she's still alive.
I could show you a photograph of her.

Webster's arrived. Stand by.

- No, don't go, James. I want you.
- Er, yes, sir.

James, those old photographs you took,
years back, of me and old Nanny Roberts ...

- They weren't very good.
- Where are they?

- In the cellar I believe, sir.
- Get them for me, please. Right away.

Very well, sir.

There's one of old Nanny, sir!

It must be a good 30 years.

Mm. Must be.

Funny. I had a dream.

Thought it was her. Now I'm sure.

Odd Willy mentioning her.

Thank you, James.

No ... I'll hang on to this one.

(Banging)

James ...

James, where are you?

James?

(♪ Carousel music)

There's a visitor.
Hurry. You haven't much time.

Lord Webster?

(Groans)

Lord Webster?

(Clattering)

(Beaumont chuckles)

I do hope I haven't bored you.

Not at all.
When did you last hear of Nanny Roberts?

Oh, I haven't see her for years.

I think she was running
a sort of school for nannies.

Her and her old lavender.

(Chuckles) Funny how one
recalls things like that.

She always wore old lavender.

Used to smother herself in it.

Oh, and another thing ...
that ball I saw in my dream.

It was called a Baby Bouncer I remember.

She took me with her to buy it.

Where?

Only one place for the nobility.
Old Martin's Toy Shop.

And Son and Son.

Good ...

Good morning.

Ah, welcome to my humble establishment.

At your service in a moment, sir.
Down you go.

Oh! Stubborn little fellow.

(Grunts and chuckles)

Now, sir, I trust
I am addressing you correctly.

Yes.

Royalty and nobility are the rule here
rather than the exception.

Are they?

Yes, it's usually Your Highness,
Your Ladyship, Your Grace.

- Once must be correct.
- Undoubtedly.

Yes. They're very touchy, you know, er ...

Oh, Mr Steed. Mr John Steed.

- Just Mister?
- Just.

Not even an Honourable?

I'm afraid not. Oh, that's a lovely toy.
I used to have one of these when I was ...

How nice! Yes.

Most of our toys
are created to instil character,

ambition and patriotism.

For launching ships of the line.

Laying foundation stones.

(Chuckles) Conferring knighthood.

Oh, I'd like one of those.

Baby Bouncer!

- Er, they're not for sale.
- Why not?

Er, customers' own design.

Specially made.
Have been for over half a century.

But surely after all this time.

I'm afraid they're GONN.

Gone? Gone where?

No, GONN. G-O-N-N.

Guild of Noble Nannies.

(High heels tapping in sync)

(Clapping)

Excellent, ladies! Excellent!
Free-wheeling, if you please.

Can I help you?

- Well, I was looking for Nanny ...
- Goat.

- I beg your pardon?
- I'm Goat. Senior tutor.

Oh, how do you do?
My name is Steed, John Steed.

- I can guess why you're here.
- You can?

An aura of proud fatherhood surrounds you.

Oh.

My warmest congratulations
and welcome to the Guild of Noble Nannies.

- Thank you.
- Observe them, Mr Steed.

The epitome
of efficiency, poise and dignity.

So sedate, demure, maternal.

I can see thoroughbreds of gentility.

- Oh, I like that. May I quote you?
- Please do.

They offer a child security, Mr Steed.

And nothing is
more important than security.

(Steed) I agree.

Then we must do our best
to accommodate you, Mr Steed.

- Our secretary, Miss Lister, Mr Steed.
- Charmed.

- You're enquiring about a nanny?
- Yes, as a matter of fact I'm a bachelor.

- Oh.
- Oh, it's my old nanny I came to see.

- Ah.
- Nanny Roberts.

Nanny Roberts?

It's a good many years since I saw her,

but I gather
that she used to manage this place.

- Well, she did, but ...
- Well, don't tell me that ...

(Gasps) No, no, no.

She's just not as young as she was.

Completely chair-ridden I'm afraid.

Then I'm sure she'd welcome a visit
from an old baby.

That isn't possible.

- Doctor's orders forbid it.
- Oh, come now, Miss Lister.

Surely we can stretch a point
in Mr Steed's case.

One of her little charges.

But Nanny Roberts
is taking her afternoon nap.

- I'll wait.
- Good. Then that's settled.

You're due in the nursery, Mr Goat.

Ah, so I am. Carry on rocking, ladies.

Do make yourself at home, Mr Steed.
She usually wakes around four.

I'm getting a little tired
of playing nursemaids with Nanny.

- How is she?
- Tough.

She's going into action again.

- Oh. When?
- At three.

(Bell rings)

Tea time, ladies.

- I say, you've got a nice kind face.
- Oh, thank you.

Look after things for a moment will you?

But I'm not very exper...

(Doll cries)

That's all right! (Chuckles)

(Doll stops crying)

There we are.

(Doll cries)

(Doll stops crying)

(Doll coos)

(Doll wails)

Who's playing ball this time?

- The Noble Knight.
- Ah, Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.

You'll deliver it personally.

- What about the nanny?
- She's ready.

(Dolls wailing)

(Peel laughs)

Ah! Oh ...

(Doll cries)

(Doll stops crying)

Awh! Just like you.

You'd make a dreadful daddy.

(Doll cries)

Shh!

(Doll stops crying)

(Doll cries)

- Shh.
- How did you get on with Webster?

(Peel) Well ...

I'll bring the car around the back.
And tell Nanny to hurry.

Good.

(Cries)

Shh.

(Doll stops crying)

- And a ball was gone?
- Mm-hm.

- About this size? Spiral design?
- Yes. But how did you know?

Baby Bouncer. Made by Martin's Toy Shop.
Exclusive to this guild.

Did you find anything else?

- This. She was Webster's nanny too.
- He had a similar daydream?

Yes, but was it a dream?
That smell of old lavender...

- But she's in her 80s, chair-ridden.
- Are you certain?

I soon will be.

You don't suppose
she could have also fostered Sir George?

- There's one way of finding out.
- What's his address?

(♪ Carousel music)

(Tyres screeching)

(Mouths)

Sir George! Sir George ...

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie
kissed the girls ...

Mrs Peel.

What happened?

You tell me.

Well, I got into my car.
Yes, I got into my car.

There was a ball on the seat.
A Baby Bouncer.

I used to have one when I was a child.

It began to spin.

I fell asleep.

And then there was Nanny.
My old nanny. Nanny Roberts.

Nanny Roberts is awake.
She'll see you now.

- Ah ...
- Excuse me. She finds the light a strain.

Hello, Nanny.

Nanny?
Nanny Roberts ... your visitor's here.

(Roberts murmurs)

The visitor I mentioned.
One of your former charges.

Mr John Steed.

(In a frail voice) Steed? Steed?

Surely you remember me, don't you, Nanny?

I'm afraid her memory isn't what it was.
Bless her.

I remember you.

Steed, you say?

(Roberts coughs)

She's getting very tired.
I think you ought to go.

Of course.

Well, goodbye, Nanny.

Good bye.

Thank you. I'll find my own way out.

(Goat applauds)
Excellent, ladies! Excellent!

Now, ladies, my subject for today
is child welfare and healthcare.

An absorbing subject
and one you should all pay attention to.

I told you it was a mistake.

Gordon checked. Look!

You never were a nanny to a John Steed.

Don't worry. If he was snooping,
it'll be the last time he does.

(Hums)

(Continues to hum)

(Banging)

(Ticking)

- Well?
- Goodbye, Mr Steed.

- We've got another delivery.
- So soon?

Mm. They've cancelled the defence meeting.

- No more secrets, then?
- No. This time we go right to the top.

You know, I'd still like to know
how Steed got on to us.

There's only one possibility.

Steed?

Trying to reach top "C"?

Target practice. I always indulge myself.

Well, it looks like it went with a bang.

Definitely.
Someone sent me a surprise package.

Sir George received one too.
A Baby Bouncer.

When I got there he was behaving
as though he were back in kindergarten.

Dreaming of Nanny Roberts?

- Mm. I saw her leaving the car park.
- She's confined to bed.

- A Baby Bouncer, eh?
- Exclusively from Martin's Toy Shop.

Oh, I see.
That shop deserves another visit.

- You'd better hurry.
- Why?

As soon as we discover
someone who can supply the answer ...

- Someone always ...
- Gets to them first.

Can I help you, madam?

It's a repairjob, is it?
Leave it with me.

Do you mind?

Ah, Mr Steed, back again.

- It was Mr Steed, wasn't it?
- Yes.

Just Mister and not even an Hon.

- Well, I ...
- Yes?

Er, I'm travelling incognito.

Ah, I thought so! (Chuckles)

I thought you had the look
of an honourable at least.

The lid's stuck. Excuse me.

Now what can I do for you, Mr Steed?

(Chuckles) My heart is still set
on a Baby Bouncer.

Oh, I'm very sorry. My entire stock
was collected barely an hour ago.

By whom?

(Groans) By ...

(Groans)

- You idiot!
- What?

- You said you dealt with Steed.
- I did ...

He's in there!
And now he knows about Wilmot.

And do it right this time.

(Cocks gun)

- He's gone. The windows.
- Head him off. I'll call Nanny.

(Cocks gun)

(Gunshots)

It's my opinion, General,
you're next on the list.

Me? Oh, don't be ridiculous!

You've planned the new missile bases.

But it's all filed away up here, old man.
Embedded in the concrete, what.

- Excuse me. Got to take a shower.
- But they got at ...

Don't worry. Nobody's going to get at me.

Well, they got
at Beaumont, Webster and Collins.

How?

- Gloves.
- I know.

I'm making this delivery.
You're to stay here. Put this in my car.

Should anyone call? Steed? Mrs Peel?

You're well versed in royal receptions.

I'll roll out the red carpet(!)

(Squeaking)

(Squeaks)

Nanny Roberts!

Help me. Help me.

Wilmot. General Wilmot.

Wilmot?

Stop them. Stop them.

(Squeaks)

(Gunshots)

'(High heels tapping in sync on tape)'

(Goat on tape)
'Excellent, ladies! Excellent!'

'Now, ladies, my subject for today
is child welfare and healthcare.'

'An absorbing subject
and one you should all pay attention to.'

(♪ Carousel music)

Back to childhood? That's ridiculous!

That's my theory.

Where does Nanny Roberts fit in?

She creates a sense of security. She
supplies all the more intimate details.

A child's pet name, for instance.
I'm sure you had one.

Er ... (Clears throat) Yes.

But Nanny Roberts, one of them?

Well, I should think they're using her.

You know, this dream always starts
with this Baby Bouncer.

(♪ Carousel music)

(Ball bounces)

(In a child's voice) Hello, Nanny.

Hello, Cuddles.
Now relax. There's a good boy.

Goat!

That's all right. He's touched it.
He's back in the nursery too.

- You're sure?
- Oh, absolutely.

This drug is an advance
on all other psychedelic drugs.

Absorbed through the skin it produces
immediate hallucinations of infancy.

But the memory remains unaffected.
Enhanced even.

As long as they feel secure
they'll tell Nanny anything.

(In Roberts' voice) Here, Cuddles.
Come here. There's a good boy.

Look what Nanny's brought you.

Come along then.

There's a good boy.

Now, then, you show Nanny where you keep
those pretty little missiles.

Ooooo!

There's a good boy. And another one.

Weeee! Bum.

Hm. There's a good boy.

Now, then, Cuddles,
for being such a good boy,

here's a present.

Now, he's an Indian.

You're a cowboy.

Wait, wait. Wait till Nanny's gone.

Then you can shoot him. Off you go!

(Giggles) Pow! Pow, pow, pow!

- We better hurry.
- Let's get the map.

(Growls)

Naughty. Give that to Nanny.

(Snarls)

Give it to me.

(Growls)

He's wearing gloves!

- Oh, he's back in the nursery.
- I know just how he feels.

Well, I got the plans of the missile base.
It was child's play.

Yes, it was, wasn't it?

(In his own voice) Now pick up the map,
all the little pieces.

- All?
- There's a good boy.

Come along.

(Gunshot)

You're not my nanny! Where ...?

W-w-well, if ...

(Mutters)

What ... what happened? Who ...?

- Once upon a time ...
- There was a big bad nanny.

No, no, no, no.
Did they get anything from it?

Did I give away any secrets? Well?

A few minor indiscretions.

Personal details.

- What do you mean?
- I'll all be in the official report.

Cuddles.

Cuddles? Cu... Cu... Oh. (Sighs)

(Steed) What do you see, Madam Peel?

You wish to know all?

Even if it be bad?

Even if it be sorrow?

I'm braced for the worst.

I see a violent death.

It always starts that way.

I see you and I on the scene.

Something lurking in the background?

Yes.

I see another violent death.

The trail's warming up.

I see danger approaching.

It comes closer.

I see you attacked by two large ...

What?

Things.

I dispose of them?

- I do dispose of them?!
- No.

I do.

- We are in a dark catacomb.
- The villains' headquarters.

We enter. We fight.
We are hopelessly trapped.

We are seconds, inches away from death.

And then?

The glass has gone cloudy. I cannot see.

Can't you give it a ...? (Blows)

- I see some writing.
- Yes?

- It says ...
- Yes, yes?

Watch. Next. Week.

- Is that all?
- That's all.

Hm, let me look.

- I see ...
- Well?

- Ah-ha!
- What?

(Whistles)