The Avengers (1961–1969): Season 4, Episode 1 - The Town of No Return - full transcript

(Seagulls squawking)

Good morning.
Can you direct me to Little Bazeley?

Over there. Turn left at the crossroads.

Thank you.

Looks like rain.

(Doorbell rings)

Good morning, Mrs Peel.

(Peel) 'Good morning, Steed!
The door is open.'

Social visit?

That's it. Happened to be passing by,
thought I'd drop in.

The coffee's over there.



Not enough flexibility in the wrist.

Weight on the wrong foot.

Friendly advice.

There doesn't appear
to be any cream.

The cream ... is in the kitchen.

Oh.

I could take it black.

- By the way, are you busy just now?
- Not very.

I've just written an article for
the "Science Weekly", but that's finished.

- Why?
- Just interested. Marvellous day today.

Certainly not the sort of day
to be stuck in town.

(Pants) We ought to get away.
Down to the coast for a while.

"We"?

Why not?
We can build sand castles together.



I refuse to carry your bucket and spade.

Brisk walks along the ...
along the sea shore.

Sand beneath your feet.

The breeze snatching at your hair.

Ever you fancied yourself
as a school teacher?

(Sighs)

That was very, very dirty.

You're quite right,

but I didn't promise to fight fair.

No worry about driving.
We'll take the train.

- When did you buy the tickets?
- Yesterday morning.

The train leaves in less than an hour.
I'll explain the details on the way down.

- And where are we going?
- Little Bazeley by the sea.

- Little Bazeley?
- By the sea.

- Why?
- It's a long story.

Try the condensed version.

No restaurant car.
We'll just have to rough it.

Indian or China?

Ooh, Indian.

You were saying about Little Bazeley?

Well, it all started about a year ago.

We got wind of something odd
happening in Little Bazeley.

Nothing specific, you understand.
Just something odd.

So we sent in an agent
to have a look around.

And what did he find?

He never told us, poor fellow.
Milk or lemon?

Lemon.

It'll have to be milk.

But a few weeks later,

we had to send in another agent
to look for the first one.

After that we had to send in ...

Another agent to look for the agent
who was looking for the agent.

- That's the general idea.
- What's the score?

- Four. Sugar?
- Four? Two.

(Kettle whistling)

Ah.

Are you sure you won't have
a marzipan delight?

So you can see why we're worried.

Four agents in a row.
It could be very serious.

Mm, you could run out of agents.

- Afternoon.
- Afternoon.

(Guard blows whistle)

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry! Sorry!

(Hums)

(Hums)

Little Bazeley?
You wouldn't be going to Little Bazeley?

Yes, as a matter of fact I am.

Me too. It's a nice little town.

I haven't been there for a long time.
I've got a brother living there.

- Oh? Really?
- Yes. Tom. Tom Smallwood. Blacksmith.

That's my brother.
Runs the smithy in Little Bazeley.

(Chuckles) Good lad is Tom.

Big fellow, too,
being a smithy, a big fellow.

- Would you like to see a photograph?
- Yes, I'd love to.

- Look.
- Oh, yes.

- (Peel) Very handsome!
- (Chuckles) A good lad is Tom.

Got out of touch. Haven't heard of him
for a long time now. Yes.

I hope he's all right.

(Breaks squeaking)

There should be a pub
opposite that church there.

(Wind howling)

(Squeaks)

- Oh, very chilly!
- Good evening.

Good evening.

Very chilly weather.

"Chilly" is the word for it,
decidedly chilly.

What does one do
to get service around here?

(Bell rings)

Ah, good evening, good evening!

Sorry to have kept you waiting.
Welcome to The Jolly Old Gremlin.

What will it be?
A jar or two of the jolly old splosh?

(Laughs raucously)

I'll have a large brandy, please.
And how about you, Mrs ...?

Peel. No, thank you.
I don't think I ought to.

Oh, come on!
Travelling companions and all that.

We'll have one for the lady, as well.
And how about you, Mr ...?

Smallwood.
I'll have the same. Thank you.

Right, three tots of Napoleon's ruin
coming up.

(Chuckles)

Brrr!

The old 33. RAF fighter squadron.
Stationed near here during the war.

Airfield just outside the village.
It's derelict now.

Oh, you know these parts then?

No, not really, but my brother told me.
Tom. You must know him.

- Tom?
- Tom Smallwood, blacksmith.

Oh, Tom! Yes, of course, old boy.
Course I know him.

- How's he keeping?
- Oh, fighting fit, old man. Fighting fit.

(Chuckles)

Yes, those were the days.
The good old fighting 33.

Ah, this pub's the only reminder now.
We used to be in here every night.

- Were you here then?
- On the other side of the bar, old girl.

- Flying Officer Warren. Piggy Warren.
- One of the fighting 33?

The thirsty 33 is more like it.

Ah, yes,
it was all bang on in those days.

Great days.

After it was over
I couldn't settle down in Civvy Street,

so eventually I came back here,
took over this pub.

Not the friendliest proposition.

Hm? Oh, you mean the locals?

Oh, they're not as bad as they look.
Country folk. Take a bit of knowing.

Suspicious of strangers at first,
but basically a fine bunch of chaps.

- What about the same again all around?
- Right you are.

- You're hereto see Tom, I suppose.
- Yes, surprise visit.

And you, old boy?
Just passing through?

No, I shall be here for two or three days.
That is if you can find a room for me.

You got business with someone here?

I don't know a soul in the area.
Property developers.

They give me a roving commission
to find building sites.

- Oh, you won't find much down here.
- I think I better have a look.

Got to justify
the old expense account, eh?

(Chuckles) Oh, yeah, I get it, old man!
Loud and clear.

Can you find a room for me then?

Yes, certainly.
There are five upstairs. Take your pick.

Oh, in that case
you'll have room for me, too.

Until I find permanent lodgings. I shall
be staying for more than a few days.

- Oh?
- I'm to teach at the school here.

(Warren) Thank you.

What did you say your name was?

Peel. Mrs Emma Peel.

I'm Jill Manson,
headmistress of the school here.

- Oh, then I'm very pleased to meet you.
- I've had no warning of your arrival.

But the education authorities were
quite definite. Here, I have a letter.

I think there's no mistake.

- It's all in order, isn't it?
- But I didn't ask for another teacher.

But you can use one,
can't you, Miss Manson?

Brandon. Mark Brandon.

- I'm the school inspector for this area.
- How do you do?

I only arrived today.
An opportune moment it seems.

We can't have Miss Manson
sending you away.

If the authority is so generous
to allocate another teacher,

we must make the most
of our opportunity, mustn't we?

I'm sure we can sort this out tomorrow.

Well, now I'm here,
I think I ought to stay, don't you?

But of course you must.
Now you're here, you must certainly stay.

Well, it's time I went to see old Tom.

- Good night, all.
- Good night, old boy.

Good night.

Well, I'm in no hurry.

Just off to do a spot of badger hunting.
It's more fun at night, you see.

Well, I'll take you upstairs
to your rooms.

Well, there's that one for you, old boy,

and you're further down, Mrs Peel.

(Chuckles)

(Water spluttering)

Tom?

Tom? Tom!

Hole in one.

Hole in both! No hot water either.

As for the sea breezes, I shall have
to take reefs in my bed clothes tonight.

We must be prepared to make
concessions, my dear. Back to nature.

Well, you might have warned me.
I'd have packed my pot of woad.

- Funny, isn't it?
- Mm-hm. Hilarious.

They don't seem
to exactly welcome visitors.

I had noticed.

United we stand when we show the flag.

- May I escort you to dinner, Mrs Peel?
- You may, Mr Steed.

I wonder what they have in store for us?

(Footsteps stamping)

What is that?

Nailed up.

Mine, too.
Prepared to repel boarders.

(♪ Radio playing jazz music)

Oh, chums! Just in time for din-dins.

Hope you don't mind sharing a table.

We don't want it to get cold now, do we?

(Chuckles)

Oh ... I really must post this letter.

I'm passing right by the box.
Glad to do it for you.

Er, you'll find the school
quite easily Mrs Peel.

They're using part of the old airfield.

Good night.

(Church choir)
♪ All things wise and wonderful

♪ The Lord God made them all

♪ Each little flow'r that opens

♪ Each little bird that sings

♪ He made their glowing colours

♪ He made their tiny wings

♪ All things bright and beautiful

♪ All creatures great and small

♪ All things wise and wonderful

♪ The Lord God ... ♪

(Barking)

(Barking continues)

(Howling)

Badger hunting.

(Barking)

Hounds in full cry
and they were chasing something.

Or somebody.

- Badgers?
- Surely you didn't believe that story?

You know me, my dear.
I have a very ... Ooh, no.

... suspicious nature.

How's it going?

(Grunts) No good at all.
I need an axe to shift that lot.

Sounds quiet enough out there.

Yeah.

I think our friend Piggy Warren
has gone to bed.

I can't get out that way.
I'll choose a more conventional method.

I'll go out the front door.

No, you stay there.

Special experience
to move without noise.

Superior training. I can move
like a cat in carpet slippers.

Don't move!

What do you think you're you up to?

(Chuckles) I just couldn't sleep.
I thought I might have a nightcap.

One of the consumable kind.

I thought you were a burglar, creeping
like that. You nearly got both barrels.

You couldn't sleep, eh?

(Laughs raucously)

Well, I know the feeling, old man.
One for the road to nod, eh?

A quiet, little snifter before
the old brain box bashes the pillow.

Here. Take it upstairs with you.

- Thank you.
- I'll put in on your bill.

(Knock on door)

What happened to pussy-footed pussy?

Is it time you were in bed? You have
to be up early for school tomorrow.

(Manson) But what on earth
are they thinking of?

(Brandon) Those are the instructions
and you will obey them without question.

(Manson)
It's impossible to take another batch.

Nothing is impossible!
Remember, I am in command now.

Mrs Peel! We didn't expect you so bright
and early, did we, Miss Manson?

I thought I'd get into the swing
as soon as possible.

There's very little for you to do
at the moment. The school is on holiday.

In the middle of term?

Yes, well, in such a small place,
we bend the rules if need be.

It was convenient to have
the school closed at this moment.

- Isn't that correct, Miss Manson?
- Quite correct.

It permits Miss Manson
to make a few alterations.

- Yes, a new gymnasium to be laid out.
- Well, perhaps I can help.

Surely Mrs Peel would be best employed
in working out our class schedules.

Then when school recommences
you'll be prepared.

Yes, that's an excellent idea, Mrs Peel.

As you wish.

We must be careful.
We nearly mishandled that.

Like that ugly business
on the beach last night.

(Clattering)

Steed?

Steed?

Well, we got out here ahead of the rush.

Solitude, very good for the soul.
Relaxing.

I've just been down at the school.
Something very odd going on there.

As odd as this?

A dozen pairs of feet.

Mm, big feet,
leading straight up out of the sea.

Turtles? Sea mares?

Mermaids?

You must know some very strange
mermaids! Wearing boots?

Mermen?

Boots? Steed, there are about
a dozen pairs of boots out at the school.

- They're pretty hefty pupils.
- Well, that's just it.

Miss Manson says the school is empty.
All the pupils are on holiday.

Surely it's term time?

Mm, I mentioned that.
She was very devious.

Curiouser and curiouser.

(Squawking)

I've been surveying the countryside.
All the tractors, they are all stopped.

Ploughs rusting in the farrows.
All is not as it should be.

By the way,
did you check the whole school?

No, I tried to.

Brandon and Miss Manson
made quite sure ...

I think it's a shoe.

(Peel) It's two shoes.

And they're inhabited.

(Peel grunts)

Brother Tom.

- Mr Smallwood?
- Yeah. What can I do for you?

It's about your brother.

Jimmy? What about him?

Might we have a word with him?

- You're friends of Jimmy?
- (Peel) Not exactly.

Acquaintances, really.
We met on the train coming down.

We half-made an arrangement
to have a drink.

- So if you'd tell him we're here.
- He's not here. He's gone.

But we understood
he'd be staying here for a few days.

He had to go back to London.
Urgent business, he said.

- Left first thing this morning.
- He took the early train out of here?

There is no early train out of here.

He borrowed my car.

I see.
Well, very sorry to have troubled you.

(Steed) "Under the spreading
chestnut tree, the village smithy stands."

Except that he doesn't
and he wasn't Tom Smallwood.

Not even remotely like him.

Now who'd want to impersonate
a simple village blacksmith? And why?

And where have all the people gone?

I haven't seen a postman,
a milkman, a paperboy all day.

I haven't seen a solitary soul.

There were some locals
in the pub last night.

- Armed for badger hunting.
- Mm, and wearing gumboots.

I think I'll take a look at the airfield.

Where have all the people gone?

Parish records?

Local church.

I've got bats in my belfry, you know.

No, I mean, quite literally.
Up there, bats. Can't shift them.

Aymesbury. Jonathan Aymesbury,
I'm the vicar here.

- Mrs Peel.
- Delighted to meet you.

Yes, bats, woodworms,
deathwatch beetle.

We have all sorts of wildlife here.

We haven't met before, have we?

No, I only arrived yesterday.
I'm to teach at the school here.

Splendid! Then welcome
to Little Bazeley. You'll like it here.

I'm sure I will.

Er ... what can I do for you, Mrs Peel?

- I'd like to know more about the village.
- Oh?

Mm, I thought I'd start class off with
an essay on the history of Little Bazeley.

Well, I can't help you very much,
I'm afraid. I'm new to this parish myself.

Almost as much of a stranger as you.

Surely the parish records
might tell us something.

Unless you mind
my browsing through them?

Browse all you wish, Mrs Peel.
They'll be in the vestry.

(Organ chord strikes)

Oh, dear, it's those mice again.
Er ... this way.

(Organ chord stops)

They're not in any sort of order

and as you can see
they haven't been touched for years.

- Oh!
- I beg your pardon. But you're welcome.

Thank you.

You don't happen to sing contralto,
do you, Mrs Peel?

The choir, you know ...
I desperately need a contralto.

No, sorry. I'm definitely top line.

Oh, well, never mind.

Perhaps I shall see you again
amongst my little flock, eh?

The congregation
isn't large at the moment, not large,

but it's building up nicely.

- Mr Aymesbury?
- Yes.

This covers the last 20 years
in this parish.

Yes.

Well?

Well, I ...

Well!

(Footsteps marching)

(Soldier) Halt!

(Engine splutters)

(Plane engine overhead)

(Door creaks)

(Sighs)

No good, no good. I-I'm finished.

- Shh. Don't talk.
- I must talk.

Give warning. Below, below!

Must talk. G-give warning.

Warning of what? Who are you?

Brandon. Mark Brandon.

The school inspector.
I'd found out too much.

Look.

Below. Below!

- Below?
- Quick! Get away!

(Sighs) It's no use. No use.

(Dogs barking)

Get back!

All things wise and ... wonderful

The Lord God made them all ...

- Ah, Mr Aymesbury.
- Mrs Peel?

- Something I want to show you.
- Not now. It's choir practice.

- It's important. It won't take a minute.
- Very well.

Now, this photograph.
I found it at the school.

- Well ...
- It's an end-of-term photograph.

And it says here,
"Headmistress Miss Jill Manson."

And there she is right in the middle.

Now, that isn't the Miss Manson
we know, is it?

- Hm?
- No.

What about all the other masters?
Are they impostors? I haven't met them.

Perhaps you can tell me. What about
this one here and this one and this one?

Yes, yes. Yes, all of them.

I see.

But then ... you're an impostor too,
aren't you, Mrs Peel?

All this school mistress business,
it was all make-believe, wasn't it?

- Oh, but I had to.
- Oh, please don't apologise.

Not to me.
I know the importance of make-believe.

Now, Mr Aymesbury ...

... you wouldn't use that, would you?

Not during choir practice.

(♪ Choral music)

A very appropriate
piece of music, Mrs Peel.

It's a requiem.

Ah, hello, old boy.

Just trying to fix a jolly old fuse.
Do you mind?

Not at all.

Did you have any luck?

- Er, sorry, what?
- I said did you have any luck?

Find any land
worth building on round here?

Oh, no, not really.

No, I didn't think you would, old boy.
Not around here.

Do hold it up, will you?

- Where's Mrs Peel?
- Mrs ...

Oh, you mean the little popsy
who arrived yesterday?

(Chuckles)

- She's gone, old boy.
- Gone?

Packed her bags and left.
Not so much as a why or wherefore.

Oh, you fancied
your chances there, did you?

(They chuckle)

You never know your luck, do you, Piggy?
You don't mind me calling you Piggy.

It seems to suit you so well.

What?

You're expendable, Piggy.

You're dead, remember?

Killed in action, 1942.

Where is she, Piggy? Where is she?

Mrs Peel?

(Clanking)

(Peel) Would the winner
come to the unsaddling enclosure?

All this is supposed
to go on a horse, you know.

- It must be very uncomfortable.
- It is.

Never mind.
We'll soon have you ... unsaddled.

Oh!

- Ooh
- Tight girth!

You'll have to cut down on the oats.

- Who put you on such a tight rein?
- The vicar.

- The vicar?
- He's an impostor.

So is Marl Brandon and Jill Manson.

I found the real Mark Brandon
in the school house.

Ooh! And that's not all I found.

- Food.
- Mm-hm. Enough to feed an army.

An army?

Now, Steed ...

Concentrate.

- What do you make of this?
- Little Bazeley.

- And this?
- A submarine.

A submarine moored offshore.
To what purpose?

Disembark people. Small batches
of them. Say, a dozen at a time.

Why?

If you wanted to take over an entire
country, how would you go about it?

Launch a full-scale invasion.

- And risk a full-scale reprisal.
- Don't let them know you're doing it.

- Take it over piecemeal.
- Bit by bit.

How?

Wipe out the old population
and replace them with your own kind.

The vicar, the school master.

The butcher, the baker,
the candlestick maker, all imposters.

But if someone were to arrive, someone
who could point the difference ...

- Like Smallwood.
- Mm-hm.

He disappears, too.

Now, strangers, they allow in and out.

To get rid of the whole lot
would arouse suspicion.

So an entire village is taken over.
What then?

The next town and then next
and the next and the next, and finally ...

I went round the whole of this place
and there were just empty buildings.

"Below."
That's what he meant by "below".

Mark Brandon, just before he died,
kept saying "below".

The airport was built during the war.

So there must be bunkers,
underground shelters.

(Footsteps above)

(Portcullis whirrs)

Don't touch that. We may be in orbit.

You'd cause quite a constellation.

(Soldier) In! Out!

En garde!

In! Out!

There's a whole army down here
and up top they're still searching for us.

I feel like the filling
in a club sandwich.

According to that map,
there's only one way out of here.

(Peel) That door and up those stairs.

We could run the portcullis down.

- Jam the mechanism.
- Right.

(Brandon) Hold it right there!

Now, take your hands away very slowly
and turn round.

We didn't expect you
quite so soon, did we, Mrs Peel?

(Gunshot)

(Portcullis whirrs)

(Grunts)

(Grunts)

(Clanking)

(Footsteps running)

Quick!

Now for a long leisurely dinner
in a cosy little inn

where the claret wines are heavy

and the steak is this thick.

Ooh!

You concentrate on the driving.

I'll tell you what I have in mind.