The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 3, Episode 9 - Floyd, the Gay Deceiver - full transcript

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Morning.

Howdy, Alvin.

Oh, hi, Andy.

You waiting for me?

Oh, yeah.
Morning, Floyd.

Thought I'd catch you
nice and early

before you get busy.

Yeah. That's a good idea. Yeah.



Hold this
for me, will you, Andy?

I also figured
it'd be right smart

if I got my haircut

before you had your lunch.

Huh?

In case you're having onions.

In case I'm having...

Oh, I never have...

Oh, you're pulling my leg!

I'll get my sign
out of here, Andy.

You just make yourself at home.

Okay.

Oh, thank you.

Sit down there.



There's a letter for you, Floyd.

Oh, is that so?

Yeah. Floyd Lawson.

"Floyd Lawson enterprises"?

"Floyd Lawson enterprises"?

Oh, yes. That is
for me, that letter.

Thank you very much, Andy.

What's the enterprises?

Oh, it's business.

Just business, Andy.

It's for tax purposes
is what it really is.

It's just business,
business, business.

Ah, ah, ah! There!

Ain't you gonna read it?

Huh

well, yeah. Maybe
it's important.

Maybe U.S. steel
wants to merge with you.

Oh, read it? Yes.

Uhh...

Oh, my good glasses
are in the back room.

Just excuse me a minute, now.

You got a little something
going for you on the side

have you, Floyd?

What are you in... import/export?

Maybe you bought
a bowling alley.

Maybe you got a piece
of a prizefighter, huh, Floyd?

Oh!
What's the matter?

Oh, no!
My dear sense...

Oh, no! Oh...

What is it, Floyd?

You're as white as a sheet.

Is something the matter?

Is something the matter?!

Of course something...

I'm so sorry, Andy,
but something's come up

and I've... I've got
to leave town.

Yes, I've got to go
to... to... to Nashville.

Wait a minute!

What's happened?

Oh! Ohh!

"Dear Floyd,
just a line to let you know

"I am leaving Baltimore
on Friday

"and driving
to my palm beach home

"and I'll be passing
through Mayberry

"and look forward,
at long last, to meeting you.

Fondly, Madeline Grayson."

Who's Madeline Grayson?

What's that got to do

with Floyd Lawson enterprises?

It's a story that just
makes me want to blush.

Floyd...

All right, all right.
Here it is.

I might as well tell you.

I belong to a lonely hearts
correspondence club.

Now, for some time now

I've been corresponding
with a Mrs. Madeline Grayson.

Well, it's only natural,
isn't it

a lonely widow
and a lonely widower

getting together in letters?

Sure, Floyd. It sounds fine.

Sounds fine! Hah!

Floyd.

Anyway, this Mrs. Grayson
is a wealthy widow.

She's got a home in Baltimore
and palm beach.

And now, here it comes.

In order to measure up
and look good to her

I... I lied to her about myself.

I lied about who I am
and what I am.

How did you do that?

I wrote to her

that I was a rich millionaire...

A wealthy businessman.

Oh, and that's how come
Floyd Lawson enterprises.

It's my company.

My... oh...

Run by that Floyd Lawson.

Floyd Lawson,
you're nothing but a liar

a cheat and a scoundrel.
I hate you!

Oh, now, Floyd...

Oh, how could I have done it?

How could I do it

to this lovely,
sweet, trusting...?

Is that her?
Yup.

She's pretty.

Oh, she's a doll.

This is the picture I sent her.

Look. That's me.

That's you?

Where's the gray hair?

Oh, touch-up,
touch-up. I just...

Oh, I'm so ashamed.

Oh, now, Floyd...

Who would have thought

that she'd be coming here?

Oh, the deception of it all!

The vanity of it!

Floyd Lawson,
I am ashamed of you.

You're nothing
but a lying, deceitful...

Floyd, wait.

I tell you,
I just have to leave here!

She'll come, and not see me

and that'll be the end of it.

No, now, Floyd, wait.

You want to know what I think?

I think she did
the same thing as you did.

Yes, sir,
that's exactly what happened. What?

Don't you see?

She wants to impress you, too.

She probably lied
about being rich.

As for this picture,
wait till she gets here.

I bet she won't
look a thing like it.

You'll both probably
have a big laugh over it

'cause she deceived you, too.

Take that back.
Wait!

There's no more
to be said about it.

I'm going to Nashville.

Wait a minute.

You can't do that.
You got to stay here and face her.

Oh, Andy, I cannot face her
as Floyd the barber.

She's gonna come here

expecting to see
this fellow in the picture

that I sent her.

And then this fell...
Fellow in the pic...

Wait a minute.

I can face her.

You'll have to help me.

How can I help you?

Help me pose
as the man I wrote I was.

She's only gonna
be here for a day.

So, let her see me
as she believes me to be.

Well, that'd be lie
on top of lie, Floyd.

I can't do that.

Then I'm going to Nashville.
Wait a minute.

You're not going anywhere.

Quit flying all over the room
and give me that haircut.

Oh, "haircut," he says.
I can't give you a haircut!

I just haven't got it
this morning, that's all!

"My haircut," he says.

Oh! Ohh!

Wretch! Wretch!
Deceitful wretch!

And quit hollering at yourself
in that looking glass.

It's all emptied, pa.

You don't need me
for anything else, do you?

Oh, I don't need you
for any more chores,

but I sure do enjoy
your company.

Well, I'm glad, pa,

but I think
I'd rather go out and play.

All right. Well,
why don't you just do that?

Floyd, what are you doing?

I've come to say goodbye.

Well, where are you going?

I'm going to Nashville.

Why, Floyd?

"Why?"
because you know why...

Because I'm a miserable,
deceitful wretch... that's why.

Oh, Floyd.

Opie, I thought you said
you was going out and play.

I was, pa,
but can I stay and hear

about why Floyd's
a miserable, deceitful wretch?

No.
I'll see you later, Opie.

Okay, pa.

Now, Floyd...

It's no use.

I've... I've made up my mind.

I'm going to Nashville.

Floyd, wait a minute!

No, no, no, no, no.

I suggested a way out

to spare this fine woman
any hurt or humiliation

but you refused to help me.

I'll find a way out.
I'll get over it.

Yes. What was that saying?

Let me see...

Tempus edax rerum...

"time heals everything."

You know who said that?

My Latin teacher
at barber college.

So I'll just go to Nashville.

I'll stay there for a few days.

Maybe I'll come back,
and maybe I won't.

Maybe I'll go into a monastery.

So good-bye, Andy.

Friend.

Friend.

Floyd.

Yes?

I know I shouldn't,
but I guess I will.

Will what, Andy?
Huh what?

Cliff devereaux's got his family
down in New Orleans

for a few days.

He's got a big,
fine-looking house.

I got the keys

so I can check on it
every now and then.

I guess you can stay there while
your girlfriend's in town

but just long enough

for her to see you looking
like a big shot,

and then we've got to get
out of there.

You want to, uh...

You mean
you'll actually let... let me...

Oh... oh... why, you're just...

You know what you are, Andy?

You're a prince of a fella.

That's what you are... a prince.

Yeah. I still think
it's a silly thing to do

but I said I'd help you,
and I will.

A prince! A prince!
That's what you... a prince.

All right, Floyd,

if we're gonna do this,
we might as well do it right.

I expect we can use
the help of aunt bee.

Anything you say, prince.

There you are.

Just like Fifi
the upstairs maid.

This is kind
of fun at that, Andy.

It's like playacting.

Yeah, that's just exactly
what it is, aunt bee.

I haven't done
anything like this

since I was a little girl
in sunday school.

I played the queen

in six who pass
while the lentils boil.

I'd just like to get
this foolishness over with...

That's all.

I'd hate to think what
the devereauxs would say

if they was to catch us

messing around with
their house this way.

The whole thing's just
a silly waste of time

but you try to
tell that to Floyd.

Well!

Is it all right?
Is it debonair?

That's the way I want
to look like... debonair.

You look good enough
to put in a j.C. Penney window.

Floyd, you look fine.
Oh, thank you.

Oh, look at her.
Doesn't...

I know this is all
terribly deceitful

but it's the only way...
It's the only way.

I still think it's silly.
Shh! Isn't that a car?

Go see, Floyd.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Is it her?

Oh, my! Yes, it's her.

Oh, dear. She's here!

What's she driving
an old jalopy?

What's she look like?

Terrible?

Aren't you ashamed?

It's her! She's at the door!
I better let her in!

No, wait a minute, Floyd,
you don't go to the door.

You're enterprises. The maid answers
the door. Go ahead, aunt bee.

What should I do?

Just be debonair.

Right, right, debonair.

Hello. I'm Madeline Grayson.

I was... Floyd...

Floyd Lawson.

How perfectly marvelous
to meet you.

Yes. Well, how
marvelous to meet me.

Uh...

Hello. How are you,
Mrs. Grayson?

"Mrs. Grayson?"

So formal?

We do better in our letters,
don't we?

The letters...

Aren't you going to introduce me

to this nice young man?

Oh, oh, yes, excuse me.

Uh, Mrs. Grayson...
Uh, Madeline...

I'd like to have you meet Andy

and Andy, this
is Mrs. Madelson.

Grayson.

Hello.

How do you do?

Who is Andy?

Andy?

Well, he's my son!

Uh, he's a big fella, isn't he?

Hi, son.

Hi, pop.

Uh, dad wanted me to meet you

didn't you, dad?

Yes, I did.

Dad's told me
an awful lot about you.

Oh, oh, excuse
me, Mrs. Gray...

Uh, Madeline.

This is aunt bee.

"Aunt bee"?

Oh, she's been with us so long

we've come to think of her
as one of the family.

Right, Beatrice?

Well, now, Floyd, I didn't know

you had a boy as big as this.

You never mentioned him
in your letters.

Uh, no, I didn't, uh,
and that's because...

He's away a lot.

That's right.

I'm in school.

I'm, uh, I'm still studying.

Oh, really?

What?

Chiropractor.

Uh, that's it.

That's because he's got
those nice, big hands.

Show her your hands, son.

Aren't those nice, big ones?

Won't you sit down,
Mrs. Grayson?

Why, thank you.

Uh, Beatrice?

Hmm?

Don't you think
you better make us

some tea?

Oh...

Very good, sir.

She's a Jewel.

A real Jewel.

Right, dad?

Oh, you're so lucky.

Good help
is so hard to find nowadays.

Oh, impossible.

Oh, hi, aunt bee.

Is pa here?

Oh, hi, pa.

Uh, hi, ope.

Why don't you run
out to the kitchen

and get some cookies and milk?

Now, Opie, come along.

But, aunt bee...!

Darling little boy.

Who is he?

Oh, he's mine.

This is my other son.

That little one?

Yes, ma'am, that's brother.

What was that he called you...
"pa"?

Paul, Paul. That's
my middle name...

Andrew Paul Lawson.

He sometimes calls me that.

My kid brother.

Well, now, Floyd,
I didn't know you had two boys.

They're quite a bit apart
in age, aren't they?

Uh, well, well, how
that happened was

when I was growing up,
I was an only child

and I was kind of lonely,
and so mom and dad

they decided that I
needed a companion

and along came Opie.

How nice.

Yes. Well, if
you'll excuse me

I'll go out in the kitchen

and see how brother's
getting along.

Uh, yes, and I'll go with you.

That's all right, dad.

You stay here and
talk to miss Grayson.

: I don't want to
stay here alone.

Floyd, you got to.
You got to talk to her.

It's just for a few hours.

But what'll I talk about?

Talk about anything.
Talk about your enterprises.

Excuse me,
Mrs. Grayson.

Uh, sit here, Floyd, by me.

Well, we're alone
at last, aren't we?

Oh, not really.

They're all in the kitchen.

I can't tell you how nice
it is meeting you in person

and you know what the
nicest part about it is?

What?

Finding you to be

exactly as you described
yourself in your letters.

Well, that's good.

Why? What
did you expect?

Oh, goodness, almost anything.

Would you believe it, Floyd,
in these correspondence clubs

there are some men

who actually misrepresent
themselves?

No!

Oh, yes.

Of course, in my case

it's easy to see
why they might do it.

They discover I'm a widow
with a lot of money

and before very long, they
simply take advantage of me.

Oh. Oh, that's terrible.

That's terrible.

But I knew somehow
that I could trust you.

Is that a fact?

And now that I see you

in person, I know I was right.

You know how I can tell?

From your eyes.

My eyes?

You have the clearest, bluest,
most honest eyes.

Oh, really? I never...

Oh, they're wonderfully clear
and blue.

Yes. They're sort of an azure.

I was certain that you and I
would get on well.

Oh, I do wish I could spend
more time with you.

Yeah. I wish you could, too.

You do?

Well, then, why don't I?

Huh?

After all, I'm really

not in such a hurry
to get to palm beach.

When I do get there

I'll just be alone
in a big house

with only servants to talk to.

I'd much rather stay here

and spend some time
with you and your boys.

Oh, you're such a dear
to ask me.

Now, don't you try
to talk me into a long visit.

I can't stay
any longer than a week.

A week!

What a marvelous idea.

Oh, look, I'll go to the car
and get my things.

Uh, would you ask Beatrice
or your boy

to come and help me?

Oh, what
a simply wonderful idea.

What's the matter, Floyd?

Where's miss Grayson?

She gone?

N-N-No, no, no, no.
She's out, out... the...

At the, and the...

What is it?

W-W-Well, it-it-it's
just terrible!

Terrible, just...
Terrible news, Andy.

Well, what is it?!

She wants to stay... she wants
to stay right here with us.

Yeah. She wants to...

For a week, she wants to stay.
What?!

Yes, a week, a whole week, she wants
to stay here with me and my boys!

She can't do that.

I know that... don't you suppose
I don't know that?

The devereauxs will
be back any day now.

We got to get her out of here.

We all got to get out of here.

Yes, I know, but how
do we do it? What do we...

Now can I go to Nashville?!

Wait a minute!
What do we do now?!

I tell you what we do.

We do what we should have
done in the first place...

We tell her the truth.

There's no other way out, Floyd.

If you had told the
truth to start with

we wouldn't be
in this fix right now.

No, I couldn't. It might break that poor
little woman's heart. I couldn't do that.

Then I'll tell her.
Where is she?

She's out there, in the car getting
her things. Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear.

Before she comes back, get on out in the
kitchen with aunt bee, and I'll tell her.

Why did I ever... go on, Floyd!

Oh, wretch!
Miserable, deceitful wretch!

Oh, Andy, there are
some larger cases in the trunk.

Would you get them for me,
please?

Uh, miss, uh,
Ms. Grayson?

Uh, maybe, uh, maybe
you better sit down.

There's something
we got to talk over.

Is anything wrong?

Um, sort of.

Well, what is it?

Um, won't you sit down?

Uh, Ms. Grayson,
we all know

that in some of these,
uh, correspondence clubs

like where you met up with Floyd

there's sometimes
a little bit of exaggerating

that goes on
in the letter writing.

Sometimes downright lying.

What are you getting at?

Well, what I'm getting at,
Ms. Grayson

is, uh, that the time's come
for plain talk and plain facts

and the fact is,
I'm not Floyd's boy at all.

You're not?

No, ma'am.
My name's Andy Taylor.

I'm the sheriff here.

Now, as for Floyd...

Wouldn't you know it?

Wouldn't you just know it?

Now, look, Ms. Grayson...

All right, sheriff, all right.

Well, just tell me one thing.

Where did I make my mistake?

Where did I give myself away?

Ma'am?

What did you do, check up on me?

Find out that was a rented car?

Or did you call someone?

How did you find out?

Well...

Oh, what's the difference?

It doesn't really matter now.

Well, let me tell you
one thing, sheriff.

All right. So I pose
as a rich widow

in order to sponge a little bit
off rich old boys like Floyd

but so what?

There are worse ways
of making a living.

Yeah.

I probably
wouldn't have taken Floyd

for more than a few hundred.

And how do you know that
I wouldn't have paid it back

in a few months?

Actually, you don't have
anything on me, do you?

No, I reckon I don't.

Well, what do we do now?

Are you going to arrest me?

Oh, oh, no, no, no.
I'm not going to arrest you

because, like you say,
I don't have anything on you.

So, I guess
the best thing would be

for you to just put your stuff
back in that rented car

and just go on.

You know something, sheriff?

You're a smart cookie.

This is the first time
it's ever happened to me.

Uh, Ms. Grayson?

If I was you, I'd be
right careful from now on.

You can't tell but what

that next rich,
old fellow on your list

he might have a son
who's the sheriff, too.

Andy?

Did you tell her, Andy?

Listen, Floyd,
wait till you hear.

You told her, didn't you?

I did, and have I got
something to tell you.

Well, how did she take it?
Did she take it hard?

Well, wait till you hear.

Did she seem hurt?
Did she seem hurt real bad?

Floyd, listen, that woman...

I don't think I could stand it
if she was hurt real bad.

Such a lovely face

and that, that innocent,
sweet smile.

I don't think I could stand it

if she was hurt real bad.

She wasn't hurt bad, Floyd.

She understood.

She did?

Oh, that's good.

That's good.

Oh, I'm glad of that.

Yeah. I'm really glad.

What was that you wanted
to say to me before?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Just that she took it real fine.

Oh, good, good.

She's a real sport, isn't she?

Yes, she is.

So are you, Floyd.

So are you.

Oh, hi, Andy.

Oh, morning, Floyd.

I've come to get

that haircut I was supposed
to get the other day,

but never did get
because of, um, you know why.

Boy, that... ooh, what a day.

What a day!

And if it wasn't for you
helping me out, Andy,

I just don't know what I...

Well, I'll just never forget you, Andy.
I'll just never for...

You know what you are, Andy?
You're... you're... you're...

A prince, right?

A prince, just a real prince.

Well, I hope you learned
your lesson

and watch what you say
in them letters from now on.

Oh, are you kidding?

Oh, you'll never have to tell me
about that again.

Oh, never, but never again.

Good. Now let's have
that haircut.

Oh, all right.

Boy, you'll never have to say
a thing about that anymore

because I...

Don't you ever pick up
your mail?

"Mr. Floyd Lawson,

care of
Lawson pictures incorporated."

Oh, that was...

A movie company?
You're a movie producer?

Ooh, that was
from a long time ago!

That was from
before I learned my lesson.

Oh, you wouldn't have to
tell me that again,

'cause I'll... I'll remember...

Ohh!

Uh.

Go ahead. Say it.

Uh, Floyd Lawson, you're
a miserable, deceitful wretch.

Again. Floyd Lawson, you're a
miserable, deceitful wretch.

Louder! Floyd Lawson,
you're a miserable, deceitful wretch!