The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 3, Episode 7 - Lawman Barney - full transcript

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Hey, you!

Somethin' wrong?

Is somethin' wrong?

I hope to tell you
there's somethin' wrong.

You just happen to be violatin'

section 17b, article four.

That's all that's wrong.

How's that?



You fellas must be strangers
around here.

I better straighten you out.

Now, section 17b, article four
states that street vendin'

is not permitted anywhere
in Mayberry.

Now you're just gonna have
to find another spot

somewhere
outside the town limit.

What was that
you said we was doin'

on the street?

Vendin', sellin'.

That's what you're doin',
ain't it?

No, that ain't what we're doin'.

Are we, Neil?

'Course not.

Know what we're doin'?



We're playin' store
and I'm the storekeeper, see?

And Neil here's the mama

who is gonna buy the things
off me, right, Neil?

And later on, we're gonna
play cops and robbers.

So why don't you
come on back later

and maybe we'll
let you play, too?

Now look, you happen
to be talkin' to the law.

Don't you get smart-nosed
with me.

The law?

Did you know he
was the law, Matt?

No, I didn't.

For gosh sake...

Who do you suppose he is?

Hey, do you suppose
he's Wyatt earp?

I reckon he's marshal Dillon.

Maybe he's the lone ranger.

He looks more like

the lone ranger's horse, silver.

I didn't recognize you
without your saddle.

Hi-ho, silver!

Away!

Now cut that out!
Cut it out!

Now, I ain't kiddin',
you understand?

We ain't kiddin' either, mister.

We like this here spot,
and we're stayin'.

So you get, and leave us be.

Yeah, get before you rile us.

You're gonna be sorry
you started up with me.

Get!

You'll be sorry about this.

I said get!

You're in for a lot
of trouble... a lot of trouble!

You just wait and see.

Get!

Hi-ho, silver! Away!

Just you wait and see!

Wow!

Mm!

Would you look at that!

Did I beat pa?

Boy, you're getting way
on to too good for me.

First thing you know,

you're gonna be
a champion dart thrower,

traveling all around the country

and giving exhibitions
and cleaning up.

Wow!

Pa.
Mm?

Would you like to play
for money?

Oh, wait a minute, now.

Ain't you a little young
to be thinking about that?

Besides, you don't want to lose
your amateur standing, do you?

No.

What's an amateur?

An amateur is a fella
that plays a game

'cause
he just enjoys playing it.

A professional... he plays it
'cause he wants to get paid.

Oh.

Well, I'd like to be
a professional amateur.

I enjoy playing,
but I'd enjoy getting paid, too.

I bet you would,
you little buzzard.

Oh, hi, Barn.

Guess what, Barney...

I beat pa in two dart games...
Two of them.

Oh, that's nice.

Want to play a game, Barney?

No, not right now.

It's okay.
I won't play you for money.

No.

Uh, ope, why don't you
run on out and play?

Me and Barney's got
some work to do.

Okay, pa.

Uh, you want some coffee?

No. No thanks, Andy.

How's, uh...
How's Thelma Lou?

She all right?

Yes, she's all right.

Good. Good.

You ain't been fussin'
with her, have you?

No, I ain't been fussin'
with her.

Laundry put too much starch
in your shirt?

Huh?

I remember one time they put
too much starch in your shirt

and it kind of chaffed you
in your armpits

and you was mad all day.

Well, my shirt's all right

and my armpits is all right,
okay?

Let me ask you one other thing.

When you got up this mornin',
did you notice was your head

on the pillow end of the bed
or was it on the foot end?

What is this?

Some kind of a third degree
or something?

Why are you asking me
so many questions?

Oh, nothin', nothin'.

I just wondered
if, uh, anything was wrong

and did you have any problems

'cause you didn't appear
too happy

when you come in
little while ago.

Well, nothin's wrong
and I don't have any problems

and I'm happy.

I'm very happy. See?

Sure you don't want to tell me

what it was
that made you so happy?

I'll see you.

I'm goin' out.
I'll be back.

Howdy.

Howdy.

Sure do have a lot
of nice stuff.

Thank you.

Uh... I hate to tell you
all this

but you're gonna have to find
yourself another spot,

say, a little further
out of town.

Huh?

Well, see,

what you're doing
is against the law.

We don't allow sellin'
this close to the streets

on account of the folks
that run the stores.

They don't take too kindly
to it.

Why, what ever give you
the idea we was sellin'?

What are you doing?

Well, you see,
we got this surplus

of farm products here
that we're givin' away.

Right, Neil?

Yeah. And some folks
is so thankful

they make a contribution
to our favorite charity...

Us.

Yeah.

Good, Neil, good.

Yeah, that's a pretty good joke.

But the joke's over.

Now move on.

And who says we gotta move?

I do.

Or better still, this here does.

I ain't gonna stand here
and argue with you.

I've told you once.
Now move on.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's go, Neil.

Appears like he ain't foolin'.

No, not this one.

Uh...

What do you mean,
"no, not this one"?

Some guy in a uniform
come by a while back

actin' like all high and mighty.

Yeah. Wavin' his arms,
givin' orders

tellin' us
we was sellin' and vendin'

just carryin' on.

This fella that was by here

if he told you to move
on, why didn't you?

Why? 'Cause he was a clown...

Wavin' his arms
and makin' speeches.

Couldn't take him serious.

When Matt here just
stomped his foot at him

he took off like a quail.

Right, Matt?

Right.

I wished
you hadn't have done that.

Now he's gonna play
that ugly game he always plays.

I just hate it
when he does that.

Game?

Well, what he does

with somebody that's
breakin' the law

is he tells them
to quit or move on

or somethin' like that.

And if they do what he says,
well, there's no trouble.

But if they don't,
everybody better look out.

Mm.

Now, hold on, sheriff.

Are you sure we're talkin'
about the same fella?

A little skinny fella
that was down here earlier?

Little skinny fella.

Deputy Barney Fife.

Got a few other names, too.

Barney the beast,
Fife the fierce

crazy gun Barney.

But he was a scared rabbit;
He run from us.

I know, I know.

That's what's so tricky and mean
about him.

He acts scared and then...

Sets you up for the kill.

How long you think it'll be

before you all can get
loaded up and out of here?

About half an hour.

Well, I sure hope you're gone

when he gets back.

But again, I'll tell
you what he does

when he's getting ready to draw.

He usually, uh,
clears his throat.

Then he tugs at his collar.

And then he, uh...

He beats his fist
on his holster.

When he does all that, go.

Go?

Go.

Don't mess around.

Maybe he'll count ten.

Maybe he'll miss you,
but I wouldn't take any chances.

I'd go. Run.

I, uh, I hope
nothing bad happens

but in case it does, we'll hold
on to your truck for your kin.

Barn

listen. I'm glad you're here.

I got somethin' important
I want you to do.

What?

I just heard a couple of fellas

are running a truck store
in back of Dexter street.

I want you to go over there
and tell them to move on.

They're probably strangers...
Don't know it's against the law.

I'd have done it myself,

but I got a meeting
in the mayor's office.

So you take care of it, okay?

Uh... Andy?

Yeah.

I got a whole lot of work
to do here.

Do it later.
You better get goin'.

Well, I really kind of planned
on gettin' this work done.

You can do it later.

What's so important?

Oh, well, place is a mess.

Dust all over.

I seen a few flies in here
this mornin'.

And I... gotta change
them pillowcases

'cause, you know,
Otis slept here last night

and he got them all greased up

with that cheap hair oil
he uses.

All of those things
you can do later.

You tryin' to get out of a job
you're supposed to be doin'?

Oh, no.

Them fellas out there, selling...
they're breakin' the law, right?

Well, yeah.

It's your duty to stop them.

Yeah.

Well, then, do it.

That's a order.

He's clearing his throat.

He's tugging at his collar.

He's hitting it.

He's gonna draw.
Run, Matt, run.

We're going, deputy.

We're going.

All right, take it easy, deputy.

We're going.
We're going.

All right, all right,
let's move.

Let's get that vehicle
out of here.

Oh, howdy, Barn.

Uh, everything under control?

Yeah.

Good.

By the way, I took care
of them fellas

down there behind Dexter street.

Dexter street?

Yeah, you know, them farmers
that was selling.

Oh, them fellas.

Oh, good, good.

Yeah, they won't be giving you
any more trouble, sheriff.

Good.

What'd you say to them?

I didn't say nothing.

I let this do
all my saying for me.

And if that wasn't enough

I kind of got it across to 'em

that I had another little baby

that talked even louder.

And they just, uh...
They just left, huh?

They run like chickens
in a storm.

:
Oh, good.

Yeah, I'm glad
you got rid of them fellas.

Yeah, now you can do that work
you're so anxious to do.

What work?

Dusting and fly-killing
and changing pillow cases.

Oh, Andy, cleaning
up ain't important

when there's law breakers
on the loose.

Yeah, but you...

Andy, look.

That's a wilderness out there

and ever so often a beast
of prey comes sneaking in.

Now it's my job as a lawman
to stalk him and run him out.

Stalking, not fly-killing.

You've got the best pop in town.

Yeah?

You've got more variety

than they've got
at the drugstore.

Oh, they've got cherry
and orange... stuff like...

You've got just
about everything.

I notice you got
a new one in there, too...

Huckleberry smash.

I want to try that

but I already had the cap off
this nectarine crush.

Another one I got
you ought to try...

High octane ethyl.

Ooh, is that new
in that high octane...?

Oh! Right!
I get it!

Oh, you...

Howdy. Radiator's hot.

Mind if I take some water?

Help yourself.

Hey, Barney.

Hi.

There goes ol' Barney Fife.

Hot on the trail of someone.

Yep, he's hot on the trail
of some criminal

like a kid playing hooky.

Kid playing...
That's funny.

That's very funny.

Maybe he's on the trail
of a jaywalker.

Or it could be he's gonna
shoot it out with a litterbug.

Litterbug?
Oh, come on.

You're a scamp,
that's what you are.

You know that, Wally?

Excuse me.

Are you fellas talking
about that there fella

just passed in the police car?

Yeah, that's right.
Deputy Fife.

Fearless Fife.

"Fearless Fife."

Oh, ho.

Oh, boy, that is...
Oh, you got to cut it out.

We hear tell that this deputy
of yours is a mean one.

Barney

we hear tell that he's
real rough if you cross him.

Yeah, like, if someone's doing
something against the law

and he tells him to quit
and they don't

he might pull his gun on him.

Can you see that?

Can you just see it?

Not so good, I can't.

He don't use his gun?

Oh, he uses it, yes.

He uses it to start
the potato sack race

at the masons' picnic.

Where'd you fellas hear this
about Barney anyway?

Oh, some fella told us.

Oh, well, boys, he's
just pulling your leg.

That's what he's doing.

Barney Fife a mean one.

Oh, by the way,
if you see your deputy

you tell him those two farmers
that were out

in the roadside selling
are back in business

and we want him for a customer.

He'll understand.

Think I'll get me
another cup of coffee.

Howdy, Floyd.

Hi, Andy.

Andy, I just thought
I better stop by and tell you.

Tell me what?

Well, maybe it's important,
maybe it ain't

but I thought you ought to know.

Know what, Floyd?

Well, these two strangers...

They stopped off
at Wally's filling station

while I was there.

I was over there getting myself
a bottle of pop, see

and these two fellas...

It was a nectarine crush
is what...

Say, have you tasted nectarine?

That's good.
It tastes kind of like it...

Floyd.

The strangers

oh, oh.

Well, somewheres they heard
some kind of crazy talk

about what a tough guy Barney is

about how he shoots people.

Barney?
Can you imagine that?

Uh...

What'd you say, Floyd?

Oh, I told them
they was all wrong.

You'd want me to do that

wouldn't you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

Oh, say, and they wanted me
to give Barney a message.

They said to tell him
that the fellas

that were selling
out on the road...

They're back in business

and they want him
for a customer.

They said he'd understand.

I thought you ought
to know, Andy.

So that's why them fellas
run off.

And I thought it was...

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Ah... just forget it, Barn.

Well...

Better get on out there.

Andy.

Yeah.

Ain't you taking a gun with you?

I'll get them off without a gun.

You will?

I will.

Like you said earlier

this badge does all my talking
for me.

I'm sworn to uphold the law
and that's what I mean to do.

Folks better respect it.

Just as simple as that.

Andy?

Yeah?

I'm going to come with you.

Oh, Barn,
if you'd rather just...

No, Andy, I want to, okay?

Okay, come on.

What are you stopping for?

Why don't you drive on up
to them farmers?

I want you to get out, Andy.

What?

I want you to get out

and let me handle this alone.

Barn, them...

Andy, please.

All right.

It's all yours.

Just be careful and remember...

Hey, fellas.

I warned you before.

Now I'm warning you
for the last time.

You take your truck
and you get out of here.

This is
a deputy sheriff talking.

You get moving.

Now.

Do you see this badge?

It says that I'm sworn
to uphold the law.

Now, that's what I mean to do,

and you fellas
better respect it.

You understand?

It's just as simple as that.

You're both a lot bigger
than I am

but this badge represents
a lot of people

who are a lot bigger
than either one of you.

Now, are you going
to get moving?

Nice work, Barn.

Nice work.

That's as fine a job of
stalking as I've ever seen.

You see, Barn?

Your badge did
all your talking for you.

You didn't even have to use
your gun.

Yeah.

Yeah, but, just in case...
Just in case, mind you...

Want to know what I'd have done?

What?

Well, if them fellers got
too smart-alecky with me,

here's what I would have done...

Taken this baby out...

Put my bullet right in there,

and I'd have slipped this baby
right back in the holster,

and then I'd have given them
final warning.

I'd have said,
"all right, you guys,

"I'm giving you
to the count of 3.

"If you ain't out of here on 3,
I'm drawing on you.

1...2...3!"