The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 3, Episode 6 - Barney Mends a Broken Heart - full transcript

After Andy has an argument with Peggy, Barney tries to make things better by setting him up with another girl.

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Hi, peg.

Oh, hi.

Wait a minute.

Hey, peg.

Come on in.

Hey, Andy.

You two met?
Andy, this is Don.

Hiya.



You gonna want another sandwich?

Oh, at least.

You sound like you been fasting.

I told you I was
hungry as a buzzard.

You know what this rascal did?

Dropped in on me out of nowhere.

No telegram,
no phone call, nothing.

You rascal.

You should've seen your face

when you opened the door.

Well, good night,
someone you haven't seen

in three years...
I almost fell over.

Yeah, he's a rascal, all right.

How, uh...?
How y'all know one another?



We used to share a
lab table together

in chemistry once upon
a time, right, peg?

Right, and guess who was the
top student in the entire class?

Don?

Never took a book home;
Got straight "a's."

Wouldn't you just hate him?

Yeah, boy.

You, uh,
staying in Mayberry long?

No, no.
I'm just passing through.

Don's on his way

to a pharmacists'
convention in Miami.

If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna
go get that other sandwich.

The hungry buzzard's
still hungry.

I, uh, thought we had a date.

Well, we do.

But you don't expect me
to leave right now, do you?

Why not?

What am I gonna do with Don?

I don't care
what you do with Don.

He's a pharmacist.
Send him down to the drugstore

and let him practice
making milk shakes.

That is not funny.

I didn't mean it to be funny.

You know
you're just being difficult.

You're being unreasonable.
We had a date.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Hey, peg, where'd
you put the pickles?

Go feed your hungry buzzard.

Peg?

Hi, Andy.

Hi.

I thought
you had a date with Peggy.

I did.

Well?

Well, I did and now I don't
and that's all there is to it.

Seen my magazine anywhere?

What happened?
Did you get stood up?

No, I didn't get stood up.

You seen my magazine?

Wasn't she home?

She was home, she was home.

She had company.

Company?

Yeah. An old
college pal of hers.

Guess what his name was?

Don. Wouldn't you know
his name would be Don.

Oh...

So that' it.

What's it?

Okay, pal.

There it is.

Cry all over it if you wanna.

Get it off your chest.
Talk it all out.

That's what a friend is for.

Talk what all out?

You know, it's welling up
inside of you, so get it out.

Barney, I don't want to talk.

I know you don't want to,
but you got to.

Why do I got to?

Because it's therapetic.

It's what?

It's therapetic.

Pal, you've been hurt.

Now you've got all
that anger and that hatred

just boiling inside of ya
and making ya sick and miserable

and you gotta get it out.

The only way to get it out
is to talk. It's therapetic.

Barney, I don't
feel like talking.

See, I just come over
here to get my magazine.

There. Now, I'm gonna take
this magazine

and I'm gonna spend
a nice, quiet evening

at home alone, reading.

Home alone, reading
and miserable.

Don't do it, Andy.
Don't brood about it.

You're too big a person

to let yourself
get hurt like this.

Don't let her do it to you.

Barney...?
Life goes on.

Barney...?
Cess-la-vie, man.

Barney! I ain't gonna brood.

I ain't gonna get hurt.

There ain't nobody
gonna do nothing to me.

Get it out, baby...
That anger... get it out.

I'm going home.

Andy?
What?

I'll be right here

if you want to get on the phone
and just talk.

It's therapetic.

Poor guy.

He's really taking this hard.

Sarah, get me 247.

Women, women, women.

Fickle, cruel, heartless...

That's what they are unless
you stand right up to them.

Thelma Lou? Barney.

Hi, pussycat.

I got bad news.

Andy and Peggy are pfft.

Yeah, yeah.
Poor guy's heart's broken

but he's trying to cover up.

Listen, now.
You and I can help him.

Now, we got to get
his mind off Peggy.

There's only one way to do that

and that's find him
another girl and pronto.

Hi, paw.
Hi, son.

I thought you had a date
with miss Peggy.

I did.

Then how come you're home
so early?

'Cause it just happened
to be over early.

Some dates last a whole evening,

and some of them get over nice
and early like this one did.

You understand that, do you?
Uh-huh.

You got stood up.

I did not.

How you know about that?

Matt merles told me that when
you make a date with a girl

and she ain't there to meet you,
then you're stood up.

Well, that certainly
didn't happen to me.

I went over to Peggy's house and
she had something else to do,

so I come on home.

Now, that don't sound like
getting stood up, does it?

Don't sound like a date, either.

Well, it was.

Opie, I think you better sto...

Why, Andy,
I didn't hear you come in.

Uh, yes. Yes, ma'am.
I... I come in a while ago.

Well, I thought you had a date
with Peggy.

I did.

Well, how come you're home
so early?

He got stood up.

Opie!
What?

I got over to Peggy's and
she had something else to do,

so I just come on home.

Ain't it about time
you went to bed?

Okay, paw.

Brush your teeth,
and don't scatter your clothes.

I'll be up in a minute.

Yes, ma'am.

Did you?

Did I what?

Did you get stood up?

No, Aunt Bee.
I didn't get stood up.

I just come home early,

and I'm gonna read
this magazine a while,

and then I'm gonna go on to bed.

I didn't get stood up.
I'm fine.

I really am.
I'm just... just fine.

Well, good.
Look, I'll see to Opie.

I think I'll turn in myself.

Good.

There's some pie left
from supper.

Uh, thank you, Aunt Bee.

Good night.

What are you doing
all dressed up?

How you taking it?

You ain't been crying, have ya?

Barney, you gonna
start that again?

We was taking a chance
dropping in like this.

We?

Come on in, girls.
We're in luck. He's home.

Barney, what...? Shh.
You're gonna thank me for this.

Hi, Andy.

Thelma Lou, why don't you
do the honors.

I don't think you've ever
met Lydia crosswaithe.

Lydia, this is Andy Taylor.

Lydia works
over in mt. Pilot.

That's why we don't get
to see too much of her.

You're surprised, huh?

Would you like to hear

how this whole crazy
thing got started?

Thelma Lou called and said she'd
like to play bridge tonight.

I said, "swell. Let's
go over to Andy's."

So we needed a fourth and
we went by to pick up Lydia.

And then guess what.

After she got in
the car, she told us

she don't even know
how to play bridge.

I don't know how
to play bridge, either.

Well, I told you the whole
thing was just crazy.

As long as we're here,
why are we all standing?

Yeah.

Oh... uh, yeah.
Everybody sit down.

Yeah. Let's just
all sit down.

Come on, Andy.
Everybody sit down.

Sit down.

Oh, uh, sit right there.

Over here.

Come on, Andy, sit down.
Right there. Come on.

Gee, it's just amazing
that you two never met.

Ain't that amazing, Thelma Lou?

It certainly is.

I guess it isn't such
a small world after all.

People always say
what a small world it is

when actually, it
really isn't a small world.

It definitely isn't
a small world.

Uh, Lydia, was it?

That's right.
That's her name. Lydia.

That's a cute name,
isn't it? Lydia.

I think that's
a cute name for a girl.

Oh, not that I'd ever expect
a boy to be named Lydia.

It means native of Lydia.

How's that?

Lydia... it means native of
Lydia in ancient Greece.

Oh.

But that's not where I'm from.

I'm from greensboro.

I see.

What'd you think, Andy

that she was
from ancient Greece?

He thought she was
from ancient Greece.

Not ol' Lydia. She's
a real all-American girl.

You two ought to have
a lot in common.

Lydia just loves the outdoors.

Don't you, Lydia?

I hate the outdoors.

When I go out into the sun,
I get the herpes.

Well, sure you do.

Uh, what about music?

Do you like music;
The guitar?

You know, Andy plays...

Oh, come on, Barn.

I hate the guitar.

I don't mind the clarinet
or the saxophone

but I hate the guitar.

Say, is that a rip
in your shirt?

Let me see that.

Oh, for heaven's sakes

I thought sure that was a rip.

Well... wow! Look
at the size of that hand.

Boy, oh, boy, it must be
twice the size of Lydia's hand.

Let me see your hand, Lydia.

Put it right there
so I can see that.

Look at that.
It I twice the size.

Well, I guess Thelma Lou and I
will be shoving off.

Come on, Thelma Lou.

Uh... Barn?

Uh... listen

y'all don't have to leave.

Well, no, not all.
Just me and Thelma Lou.

I thought you and Lydia
would like to chitchat.

I hate to chitchat.

I don't mind
ordinary conversation

but I hate to chitchat.

That's nice.

Well, it was nice
of y'all to stop by

and nice to meet
you, miss Lydia.

Why don't you girls
get in the car?

I'm sorry this wasn't the
one, Andy

but I'll keep working on it.

You'll never be lonely
as long as I'm around.

I don't know
what I did to deserve

all this attention from him,
but whatever it was

I ain't never gonna do it again.

Sarah, get me 327
over at mt. Pilot, will you?

Hello?

Is this skippy?

Hi, skippy.

Barney Fife.

Barney Fife.

That's right.

I met you over
at the tip top cafe

a few weeks ago, remember?

You said, some night
if I wasn't doing nothing

to give you a call.

Here I am.

Well, it is kind of last minute

but I was just sitting around
with this buddy of mine

and we was trying to figure
something out to do for kicks

and, well, you know Mayberry.

Yeah, they pull the sidewalks in
at 9:00.

Well, uh... I could meet you
over at the tip top.

Well, uh... listen.

You remember that friend
that was with you?

Yeah. Daphne. That was her name.

Well, I think my buddy
would kind of like her.

Oh, that's swell.

Yeah. All right.

All right. We'll see you later.

Toodle-oo.

You want me
to go where to do what?

Andy, it's only
over to mt. Pilot.

It's just 12 miles.

Tell me again what you heard.

Well, after I dropped
Thelma Lou and Lydia

I stopped by the courthouse
for my night check

and there was this phone call

and all they said
was that they suspected

the owner of the tip top cafe
of selling liquor to customers.

That's the first I heard of it.

Me, too, but it won't hurt
to have a little look-see.

Uh... uh... I don't know.

Besides, it will sort of help
get your mind off you know what.

What?

You know... Peggy.

Are you gonna start that again?

I know, the wound is still fresh

but there's a great, big,
wonderful world out there

with things to do
and people to meet.

Now, let's get out in it.

There ain't nothing
to this, Barn.

Let's go.

What'd you say, Andy?

We been here a half hour.
Let's go.

No, no.
Don't go now.

I sure don't see anything

to arouse my suspicion.

Whoever give you that hot tip

must have been pulling your leg.

Come on.

No, no. Just...

Just give it a few more minutes.

There they are.

It wouldn't hurt
to sit here awhile.

It's kind of relaxing.

Hi.

Hi, skippy!
If it ain't skippy!

Imagine running into you

and with your friend Daphne.

I'll be doggone if this ain't
the most amazing coincidence.

How about that?

What's with you, Charlie?

You called me up
and told me to meet you here.

Well, it's still a coincidence.

I'd like you to meet
my friend Andy Taylor.

Andy, this here is skippy.

Say hello to skippy.

And this is skippy's
friend Daphne.

Andy.

Uh, Barn, I, uh...

You gonna ask us to sit down

or is this leap year?

Leap year.

She's a character, isn't she?

Sit down. Sit down.

Sit right over there.

Sit down, Andy.

How do you like yours?

What did you have in mind
for tonight, Bernie?

"Barney." what
do you mean?

What do you feel like doing?

You feel like stepping out?

There's a place over in harnett

that's got dancing
and everything.

Uh... well...

Listen, there's a pizza place

over by the county line.

They even serve beer.

Uh, well, I...
I don't think so.

Let's go to the gigolo club

over in yancey.

They got a floor show there.

Uh... I guess not.

Say, what did you do

pull a couple
of ringers in on me?

Relax, Daphne.

Relax, nothing.
I could've been home

watching a George raft
movie on television.

Honey, this ain't
exactly my idea

we ought to leave.
Of a big time.

Your idea of fun, if you
want to talk about that...

Just a minute!

Let's listen to Bernie.

"Barney."

I got a great idea.

Let's all go over

to Daphne's house
and take a look

at that George raft
movie on television.

I'd kind of like to see that.

Like I said

we're out with the last
of the big-time spenders.

Uh, uh...
Ladies. Ladies.

Uh... ladies.
Ladies.

Ladies, please.

Please, please, please.

Please, ladies.

Uh, I...
I feel that, uh...

We owe you an explanation

and an...
An apology.

See that?
He's a gentleman.

Uh... uh...
This whole evening

was arranged through
a misunderstanding.

And, uh... well,
what I mean is

I'm sorry if we've
caused you any inconvenience.

Well, he may be cheap,
but he's sincere.

I thought you was
staying in tonight.

I thought so, too,
but I changed my mind.

It's a woman's prerogative
to change her mind.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Get lost, al.
I'm busy.

If you'll excuse us,
I think we'd better leave.

Just a minute, curly.

I ain't good enough?

You'd rather go out with
a couple of squirts like this?

Shut up, al, and beat it.

We don't appreciate
being called squirts.

Yeah. We don't
appreciate that at all.

Oh, you don't, eh?

I believe she said

she'd like for you to leave.

Suppose I don't?
What are you gonna do about it?

What are you gonna do
about it, Andy?

Get your hands off of him!

Don't look, girls.

Andy?

I'm sorry about last night.

Uh... I'm real sorry.

I don't blame you

for being sore.

I mean, I...
I never expected things

to turn out the way they did.

Gee, if I'd have thought that...

I never would have...

Well, I just, uh...

Wanted to tell you
that I'm sorry.

Remember last night
when I come back from Peggy's?

You said the best thing
for me to do was talk.

Well, I didn't feel
like talking then

but now I'm ready,
and what I got to say is this...

Don't try to help me
solve my problems, Barn.

Just do me a favor
and don't do that.

You get everything
all messed up.

You beat everything.

You know that?

You're right, Andy.

You're absolutely right.

But I really meant it
for your own good.

You got to believe that.

That may be the way you meant it

but it sure didn't
turn out that way.

You see, my plan

was to get your mind
off Peggy for a while.

You know, get you
interested in other girls.

Then, when Peggy
was to see how easy

you could get along without her

she'd come running back to you

all sorry and
wanting to make up.

Then you'd win back your girl,
you see

and... and...

Well, that...

That was my plan.

That's a fine plan, Barn.

You win your girl
and you lose your eye.

Morning, Barney.

Here's the report
of last month's vaccinations

over at the school.

I was told to leave a copy here.

Would you be sure
that the sheriff gets it?

Yes, ma'am.

Uh... Andy?

I heard.

Thank you.

Andy...

What happened to your eye?

Uh... nothing.

Why, Andy, that's
a terrible bruise.

What happened to you?

Oh, I got mixed up
with a troublemaker.

It'll be all right.

Why, I'm so sorry.

You don't have
to worry about ol' Andy.

He gave a pretty good
account of himself.

Didn't you, Andy?

Andy, I'm sorry

about something else, too.

I'm sorry about last night.

Well...

I am, too.

You had a right to be mad.

I just didn't know what to do.

Somebody drops in
on you like that and...

There was nothing else
you cou do.

Sorry I walked off
the way I did.

Kind of a silly thing to do.

Friends?

Friends.

Oh, I expect we can
do better than that.

See? This is the way
I had it planned all along.