The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 3, Episode 31 - Mountain Wedding - full transcript

Briscoe Darling comes to town seeking the sheriff's help to solve a problem with Ernest T Bass, who has decided to court Briscoe's daughter Charlene and is making a pest of himself by ...

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

Ain't chicken spelled "I

no, he's got it right.

You sure?

Uh-huh.

"I" before "e" except after "c"

and "e" before "n"
in "chicken."



Yeah.

I always forget that rule.

Can't you see a man's doin'

a delicate piece
of artistic work here?

Go around in back.

I believe that's
briscoe darling's truck.

Huh?

Briscoe darling.

Come on.

Man at work here!
Man at work.

Howdy, Mr. Darling.

What in the world
brings you down

out of the mountains?

Trouble, sheriff.



We got, uh...

Is it all right
to talk in front of him?

Oh, sure.

This is my deputy, Barney Fife.

Briscoe darling.

Howdy.

I married Mr. Darling's daughter

to dud wash.

You did?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

It was when you and your mother

was on that bus
trip to Charlotte.

Say you got trouble?

It's a sight.

Well, what in the
world's the matter?

Well, there's this fella
up home... Ernest t. Bass.

He just don't take to dud
and charlene bein' married.

Well, it was all legal.

I gave you a copy
of the marriage certificate

and kept a copy here.

I know that.

But that don't signify
with Ernest t. Bass.

He keeps botherin' charlene,
yellin' in the night,

throwin' rocks
through the windows.

Can't you
and your boys handle him?

Well, we thought
about killin' him.

Kinda hated to go that far.

Well, uh, it's a wise man

that knows it's illegal

to take the law
into one's own hands.

Is he arguin' with me?

No, he's agreein' with you.

Just so's I know where I stand.

Do you s'pose you could
find the time

to come on up there

and straighten
this thing out for us?

Well, sure.

We'll come up there tomorrow.

Good.

Oh, uh...

You better travel by daylight.

It gets kind of rough

after you cross the Robert e.
Lee natural bridge.

We'll get a early start.

I won't even go home tonight.

I'll sleep right here.

I'll expect you tomorrow.

We'll see you.

Adios, amigo.

He one o' ours?

Sure.

More power to you.

I'll see you.

Robert e. Lee
natural bridge?

I don't believe I
ever heard of that.

It's a oak tree

that fell across the
shallow spot in the creek.

Barney.

Barney!

Uh...

Barney.

It's 4:00 in the morning.

Yeah.

Come on, Barney.

We got a long drive ahead of us.

Up you go.

For heaven's sakes,
Barney, will you wake up?

Yeah, I'm awake.

Barney.

Barney!

Barney.

Barney, listen.

Barney?
Huh?

Barney?

Huh?

Will you listen to me?

It's 4:00 in the morning.

We got to get going
up in the mountains.

Boy, you sure are
a hard one to wake up.

Will you wake up?!

I'm awake.

Okay.

Wake up!

Hi, Andy.
Got a little trip?

Are you awake?

Yeah, all you got to do is
and I'm up.

It ought to be close
by here somewhere.

Listen.

Sounds like that one up there.

Come on.

Good!
Extra good!

Mr. Darling,
boys, good!

Howdy, sheriff.

Glad to see you made it.

Oh, sure... howdy, charlene.

Hi.

Howdy, boys.

Boys are talkative today.

They all keyed up.

I don't believe y'all ever met

my deputy, Barney Fife.

Charlene darling,
now Mrs. Dud wash.

Howdy, ma'am.

And the boys...

Boys.

Well, Mr. Darling,
what do you think we ought to...

Well, howdy, dud!

Howdy, sheriff.

My deputy, Barney
Fife, dud wash.

Sure proud you could see fit

to intervene, sheriff.

Oh, it's a pleasure, dud.

There's my darlin' person.

Dud, don't!

Aw, come on.

Dud!

We got more important
things to tend to.

Try to curb them hot flashes.

Did you tell
Ernest t. Bass

the sheriff was lookin' for him?

Well, I couldn't
find him, Mr. Darling.

His cousin said he
went off into the woods

to kill a mockingbird.

Don't sound like
a very nice person.

One of the worst we got.

Maybe we ought to look for him.

Oh, he's a pestilence

and the pestilence'll find you.

You just wait... he'll be along.

Hey, how about if I fix you

and your gun hand
a mouthful to eat?

Uh, well...

I could heat up

some nice hogback bone

or some fish muddle.

Uh, no, tha...

I don't believe we'll have some.

Well, you'll probably be a while

before Ernest t. Bass
comes along.

You bring your stringin'
instrument, sheriff?

Oh, I didn't think we'd
have time for any music.

Got time to breathe,
you got time for music.

How many strangs you used to?

There are six on my guitar.

Well, here's one with five.

Just kinda let
that thumb hang free

and enjoy the music.

How about playin'

"never hit your grandma
with a great, big stick?"

No, dud, that makes me cry.

Well, how about "dooley"?

Oh, that's a good'un.

A one, a two and away we go.

♪ Now, dooley was
a good old man ♪

♪ He lived below the mill ♪

♪ Dooley had two daughters ♪

♪ And a 40-gallon still

♪ one gal watched the boiler,
the other watched the spout ♪

♪ And mama corked the bottles

♪ when old dooley
fetched them out ♪

♪ Dooley, slippin'
up the holler ♪

♪ Dooley, tryin'
to make a dollar ♪

♪ Dooley, give me a swaller ♪

♪ And I'll pay
you back someday ♪

♪ The revenuers came for him,
a-slippin' through the woods ♪

♪ Dooley kept behind them all
and never lost his goods ♪

♪ Now, dooley was a trader
when into town he'd come ♪

♪ Sugar by the bushel
and molasses by the drum ♪

♪ Now, I remember very well
the day old dooley died ♪

♪ The womenfolk looked sorry

♪ and the men
stood around and cried ♪

♪ Now dooley's on the mountain,
he lies there all alone ♪

♪ They put a jug beside him
and a barrel for a stone ♪

♪ Dooley,
slippin' up the holler ♪

♪ Dooley,
tryin' to make a dollar ♪

♪ Dooley, give me a swaller ♪

♪ And I'll pay
you back some day ♪

♪ And I'll pay
you back some day ♪

Good!

Extra good!

I believe the boys...

What's that?

That's him...
Ernest t. Bass.

You better watch out,
Ernest t. Bass!

We got the law in here now!

"Charlene, I still
love you and want you.

Ernest t. Bass."

I'm gonna go have
a talk with him.

I don't see him.

There he is.

Ernest t. Bass,
you come out of there.

The sheriff wants
to talk to you.

I can hear him from here.

You better do as
you're told, fella.

This is the law speakin'!

Just leave the gun be, mister.

Now, look here, Mr. Bass.

I'm the justice
of the peace in Mayberry,

and I married charlene and dud,

and I got a copy of the
marriage certificate here.

You a preacher?

No.

Then they ain't rightly married.

I ought to have a chance

to sweet-talk and woo
and charm her with my ways.

Take a shot at him, sheriff.

You got a legal right.

Now, wait a minute,
Mr. Darling.

We can handle this

without anybody gettin' hurt.

Ernest t.?

I hear you.

Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna get
charlene and dud married

by a preacher.

Tomorrow bein' sunday,

the circuit preacher'll be by.

Good.

We'll have them
married tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Hey, that gives me 24 hours
to court her.

Now, you just hold on.

24 hours!

I still got a chance!

Yippee!

If you were to ask me,

this Ernest t.
Bass is a strange and weird character.

Just plain ornery is what he is.

I think he's a nut!

Hey, Andy!

Hmm?

Are you asleep?

Are you kidding?

Did you ever hear anything
like it in your life?

Because they're all sleeping
on their backs.

Suppose if we turn them over
on their sides it'd help?

It's worth a try.

Come on, come on.

Get on over.

Come on.

Okay.

What do you know... it worked!

Mmm.

Night.

Good night.

What was that?

Ernest t. Bass is paying us
another visit looks like.

Ernest t. Bass!

In person.

You're a lowdown, pesky buzzard.

Doggone you!

Sticks and stones
will break my bones,

but names can't never touch me.

Ernest t. Bass,

you better quit throwing
rocks through this window.

Now, this is
the sheriff talking.

I'm going to have to arrest you
if you don't go on home.

You're disturbing the peace
keeping these folks awake.

Well, tell them
all to go to sleep.

Just charlene
I wants to talk to.

You listen to me out there!

This is deputy Fife
speaking and I'm armed.

Now, if you don't go away,

I'm just liable to take
a shot out this window.

You cut that out!

Better stop
that deputy of yours.

He'll get us stoned to death.

What are we going to do?

Only one thing to do.

Let him speak his piece
and maybe he'll go on home.

Ernest t.?

I'm still here.

Listen a minute!

Keep on talking.

What do you got in mind?

I told you.

I've come to plight
my troth to charlene.

She's been plighted!

Charlene, come over here
and let him talk to you.

Now, wait a minute.

Let him talk to her.

Maybe he'll get it
out of his system

and go on home and
we can get some sleep.

Go on, charlene.

I'm here.

What do you want?

Charlene, this here is

Ernest t. Bass here.

I'm declaring for you.

Yeah?

Charlene? Look out here.

Can you see me?

I see you.

Good!

Charlene, you ain't never give
me a chance to court you proper

to prove to you
that I'm the man for you.

First off,
I wants to serenade you.

Okay, Ernest t.,
serenade away.

All right, listen.

♪ "Old leg" briar
jump in the fire ♪

♪ Fire too hot,
jump in the pot ♪

♪ Pot too black...
Jump in the crack ♪

♪ Crack too high...
Jump in the sky ♪

♪ Sky too blue...
Jump in canoe ♪

♪ Canoe too shallow...
Jump in the tallow ♪

♪ Tallow too soft...
Jump in the loft ♪

♪ Loft too rotten...
Jump in the cotton ♪

♪ Cotton so white
she stayed there all night ♪

Tell him it was good.

That's good, Ernest t.

Now you want to hear me sing
"eating goober peas"?

No, thanks. Good night.

Wait a minute.

Lookee here.

I can do 18 chin-ups.

That's good.
Good night.

I can do chin-ups.

I'm the best rock thrower
in the county,

and I'm saving up
for a gold tooth.

I'm the man for you,
charlene, you know it.

Now can I come over there
and kiss you on the jaw?

No, you can't,
Ernest t. Bass!

This here is my plighted bride.

And tomorrow we're having

a preacher wedding
just to satisfy you.

Now, go on home!

You just think you're
having a wedding.

Maybe you ain't.

What'd you say?

I don't chew my cabbage twice.

And you ain't heard the last
of Ernest t. Bass.

Everybody duck.

Well, I guess we can all
get some sleep now.

Now, just a second,
just a second.

Hold still,
Mr. Darling!

Ever since I saw a hanging,

I've been nervous about
wearing one of these things.

You look just like your ma.

You look nice, charlene.

Beautiful, charlene.

Don't she look pretty, boys?

Boys ain't much
on complimenting.

Not Ernest t. Bass again!

He said we ain't heard
the last of him.

This note says, "maybe
you're going to have a preacher"

"and maybe you're going
to have a altar

"but maybe you're not
going to have a bride.

Did you ever think of that?"

What's he mean by that?

Andy, you don't think
that nut will come here

and try to steal
the bride away, do you?

Wouldn't put it past him.

He's as mean as a snake.

Let him just try.

I'll show him a couple of things

I learned in the army.

First you take your hand

and you yank him
round the throat

and then you take the other hand

and yank on his nose.

Stop that, boy.

You want your face
to freeze thataway?

That won't be necessary, dud.

Well, I ain't gonna
just stand by

and let Ernest t. Bass
make off

with my darling person.

Don't worry about it, dud.

I got a idea.

♪ What have I to dread

♪ what have I to fear

♪ leaning on
the everlasting arms? ♪

♪ I have blessed peace
with my lord so near ♪

♪ Leaning on
the everlasting arms ♪

♪ Leaning... on the arms,
leaning on the arms ♪

♪ Safe and secure
from all the harms ♪

♪ Leaning on the arms,
leaning on the arms ♪

♪ Leaning on
the everlasting arms ♪

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered together

in this company

to join together
this man and this woman

in matrimony.

Stop that wedding!

Don't nobody move.

He's shooting,
he's actually shooting.

Just don't move.

He's shooting again.

Stop worrying.

He ain't gonna shoot
the woman he loves.

You've had some
ideas in your time,

but this one's the worst.

Just hold still.

Hands up, everybody.

Keep 'em up...Keep 'em up!

Keep 'em up.

All right, let's go.

Charlene, come on.

Hurry, reverend, before
Ernest t. Bass discovers

who his bride is.

Dearly beloved,
we're gathered together

in the face of this company

to join together
this man and this woman...

You're mine.

You was meant to be mine.

You wi be mine.

Charlene, I'll make you
a fine husband.

I'm a little mean,
but I make up for it

by being real healthy.

Say you'll be mine.

Say you'll be
my "belove-ded."

I wouldn't marry you if you
were the last man on earth.

Do you promise to love,
honor, and obey charlene

as long as ye shall both live?

I do.

By the authority vested in me,

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

You can kiss her now, dud.

Well, it's done
to the satisfaction

of Ernest t. Bass
and everybody.

Nice wedding, preacher.

Thank you.

Sure was.

I'm kind of worried

about that little
fellow... your deputy.

Yeah, maybe I better
go look for him.

Andy!

Andy!

Andy!

All right, Ernest t. Bass,
shake dud's hand.

Go on, shake.

If I ever hear you ain't good
to her,

I'm gonna call that lady sheriff

and you'll be in real trouble.

Oh, I'll be good to her,
Ernest t.

All right, let's get on
with the celebration.

Hey, paw, how about
playin' something

me and dud can dance to?

Yeah, something like
that anniversary waltz.

All right.

Let's do "dance till your
stockings are hot and raveling."

A-one and a-two
and a-one and a-two.

What are you doing?

I'd appreciate for you
to dance with me.

Get out of here!

Andy!
I'm a good dancer.

You're some kind of a nut!

But I'm a good dancer.

I don't care what you are.

Oh, come on!
Nut!