The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 3, Episode 30 - Dogs, Dogs, Dogs - full transcript

It's pandemonium when the courthouse is invaded by eleven stray dogs. The boys have do find out what to do with them before a state investigator arrives to do an audit.

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Okay, Otis, wake up.

Come on, Otis, let's go.

Come on, Otis.

Aunt bee's been by

and left you a
nice big breakfast.

Come on... food, Otis.

There you go.

Oh...



Shooby, shooby, shooby.

What does that mean?

That's how my mouth feels.

Well, you'll feel better

when you get some
of this in you.

Yech!

Here's a fixer-upper.

There you go.

Drink that down.

That?

That.

I got to put that inside of me?

You wasn't very particular

what you was
puttin' inside you last night.



Now, go on.

Do I have to?

Yeah, it'll fix you up,

help you enjoy your food.

Go on.

Say, that food smells
pretty good.

I can never get anything
like this at home.

I bet your wife would fix you
a nice, big breakfast

if you'd go up to
her in the morning

and give her a great, big kiss.

Mmm, please, Andy,
not when I'm eating.

Mail, Andy.

Anything?

I don't know.

Uh-oh, I think this is it.

What?

You know, that application
to the state office.

Yeah.

Yeah, listen to this.

"This is to advise that your
application for additional funds

"for Mayberry sheriff's office
and jail has been received

"and is under consideration.

"A state investigator will call
on you in the next day or two

to determine whether
added funds are necessary."

Well, how about that?

Yeah, at last.

Hey, Barney,

what do you guys
need more money for?

Plenty.
You, for one!

I don't know why aunt bee has to
fix you them fancy meals

at Andy's own personal expense.

What we should have
is a charge account

down at the lunch room
and have the food brought in.

You do that and I'll take
my business some place else.

Don't threaten us, Otis.

Now, boys.

I ain't gonna eat that food

from the lunch room...
It's too spicy.

You drink anything.
You can eat anything.

I don't eat nothin' spicy.
It's bad for my liver.

Aw, your liver's so pickled now,
it don't matter.

Yeah?
Yeah!

Fellas!

I'll say it
right to your face, Otis...

You've got a pickled liver!

That's better than having
a pickled puss!

Yeah?
Yeah!

Boys, stop it.

Well, he started it.

I did not.
He started it.

Well, both of you cut it out.

You're behavin' like
a couple of young'uns.

Hi, pa.

Well, hi.

Where'd you get the dog?

He followed me, pa...

Followed me everywhere I went.

He did?

What you doing
with a rope on him?

Well, that helped him follow me.

I see.

He's a cute little feller.

But we can't let him hang
around here, that's for sure.

He looks hungry, pa.

Can't we feed him?

He does look a might
underfed there.

I think he's starved.

We got anything?

Otis, you got anything left?

Sorry, Andy,
just finished everything.

Now, let's see what
else we got here.

What you got, Barn?

Hey, wait a minute,
that's my lunch.

Well, you've got three
sandwiches in here.

Two for lunchtime and
one for late in the day

when I get my sinking spell.

We'll get you another one.

That's on salt-rising
bread, you know.

We'll get one on
salt-rising bread.

There you are.

Wow, just look at him go.

I told you he was hungry.

Now, don't give him
them other sandwiches.

Mmm, let's see
what else is in...

Mr. Cookie bar...

Well, come on now,
don't give him

my Mr. Cookie bar.

I'll want that later on.

Well, why?

Well, a slender, high-
spirited person needs

a sugar pick-me-up
late in the day.

We'll get you another one.

Boy, he sure enjoyed that.

Well, now that he's been fed,

could we get him out of here?

Don't you like dogs, Barney?

Not when we're expecting

an investigator
from the state capitol.

Maybe you'd better
take him outside, Opie.

Can I keep him, pa?

Now, ope.

Please, pa.

I'll take good care of him,
honest, I will.

You say that,
and then aunt bee gets stuck.

But I will, I promise.

Please?

All right.

You can take him home,

but make him stay outdoors.

Oh, boy, thanks, pa.

I sure appreciate it.

Come on, fella, let's go.

Hey, Barney.

Huh?

That dog sure enjoyed
your lunch.

Where do you have 'em made up

you keep that up, Otis!

You just keep that up!

I can still run you in,
you know?

I am in!

Then I'll throw you out!

Yeah?
Yeah!

Says who?

Says me!

Oh, hush up, both of you!

Pa, pa!

He got away.

Who got away?

The dog.

I took him home like you said

and I was making a bed
for him in the back

and I turned around
and he was gone.

Oh, he probably went on back
to his own home.

Shucks, he sure was
a good-looking dog.

Like your pa says

he probably went back
to where he belongs.

That's right, I wouldn't
worry about it.

Oh, boy!

Hiya, fellas,
it's good to see you.

What is this?

That's what I'd like to know.

Is this a house of
detention or a kennel?

How can a man pay
his debt to society

with all this yapping?

Oh, pipe down,
your time's up anyway.

Why don't you beat it?

What are we going to
do about these dogs?

Where'd they come from?

Maybe the little one
brought his friends back

for your sandwiches.

This is serious.

That state investigator's
gonna think

we want extra funds
just to keep dogs.

We got to get them out of here.

What do you suggest?

Pa?

No, you don't.

You take four dogs home,
aunt bee would have a fit.

Well, there must be somebody
who'd like to own some dogs.

If we could just find
somebody that loves dogs.

Somebody...

Now, now, now, wait a minute.

You owe it to us, Otis.

I can't take four dogs home.

My wife just barely
let's me in the house.

You owe us that favor.

We got to get rid of
these dogs, and pronto,

and you can help us.

But fo dogs!

Otis, owning and
raising dogs can be fun.

It's a hobby.
You ain't got a hobby, Otis.

I got a hobby... drinking.

Otis, you want to
keep coming here?

If you don't take them dogs,

you're barred from this jail.

Oh, no!

Barney, that's not
very friendly.

This is Otis's
home away from home.

This place is always
open to you, Otis.

But we would appreciate it
if you could see your way clear

to take these dogs
off our hands.

Well...

How do I get them home?

You just hold this out
in front of you

and they'll follow you.

And don't worry, Otis,
they won't bite.

If they do, my wife
will bite them back.

Come on, fellas, let's go.

Come on, come on,
here we go, come on.

I'll tell you what else
we could use around here

if we get some extra funds.

What?

Some new cots.

Otis has got that one
all wore down.

Have you noticed how it sags?

Oh, it just sags
in the same place Otis sags.

Look, don't blame me...
I was willing.

I took them home
and now they're gone.

What?

The dogs... I took them home

and I was about to put
them in my garage

and they just took off on me.

Oh, that's swell, Otis,
that's just swell.

Pa, where do you suppose

all them dogs run off to?

Probably went to their homes

where they belong.

They're out of here, anyways,
that's the main thing.

Well, that's what you wanted.

You just wanted
them out of here.

That's right, Otis.
Thanks, anyway.

Okay.

Well, hello, there,
little fella.

Hello there.

11 dogs!
Andy, what are we going to do?

I don't know, Barn.

That investigator's gonna come.
It's gonna be a joke.

He'll think we need
money for dog breeding.

We'll think of something.

I know! Why don't you take
them to the dog pound?

What do they do with them there?

They take care of them
until their owners arrive.

What if their owner
don't show up?

I think they gas them.

Huh?

Oh, you're bright, Otis,
you're real bright.

That's what I heard.

If the owner doesn't show up,
they stick them inside...

Otis!

Pipe down, Einstein.

You ain't going to take them
to the dog pound, are you, pa?

Aw, of course not, son.

We just need a
little time to think.

What say we go over
to the filling station

and get a bottle of pop?

Okay.

What about the dogs?

Just leave 'em here.
They ain't hurtin' anything.

Want a bottle of pop, Otis?

Pop? Bad for my liver.

Andy!

Relax, Barn. We'll figure out
something when I get back.

11 dogs... 11 of them.

Now, where would
11 dogs be happy?

Yeah.

Okay, okay, here we go.

See this

come on, come on,
come on, come on.

That's it, that's it.

Here we go. Come on.

Get in the car.

Go on, that's it, get right in.

Everybody in.

Go on, get in there.

Come on, get in, everybody in.

What's the matter...

Didn't you ever see somebody

take a dog for a ride before?

All right, move over,
I'm driving.

Barn?

The dogs are gone, pa.

Sure looks like it.

Barney!

You don't think
he took them to...?

Oh, no, of course not.

Probably took them
out in the back.

Hey, Barney!

Barn, where you been?

Where's the dogs?

You didn't take them
to the pound, did you?

'Course not.

Where'd you take 'em?

"Well," I said to myself,

"if I was a dog,
where would I want to go?

"And," I said to myself,
"I'd want to be out in the open

"out in the wide-open spaces

"where I could jump and play

and run with
the wind in my fur."

So that's where I took them.

Where?

Out in the wide-open spaces.

I drove out in the country
a few miles,

found a nice, big field
where they could play,

and I just left them there.

You just left all them dogs
out in the middle of nowheres?

Nowheres! Are you kidding?

It's a nice, big field
out in the country.

Wish you could have seen them

running and jumping
and carrying on.

Oh, they're a lot
better off out there

than they would be here.

The dogs will be fine, Opie.
Maybe you better run on home.

Aunt bee might have something

she wants you to do.

I wouldn't worry about the dogs.
They'll be fine.

I sure hope so.

Lightning and thunder?

Looks like a storm coming up.

Maybe you better
hang around a while.

I wouldn't want you
to get caught in it

in case it was a storm.

Pa?

Hmm?

Them dogs... they're out there.

I know.

They're out there
in that open field, pa.

They'll be all right.

I'm worried about them, pa.

Well, you needn't be.

Opie, you don't have
to worry about them.

What could happen?

Well, that lightning,
what about that?

Oh, a dog can't get struck
by lightning.

You know why?

Because he's too close
to the ground.

See, lightning
strikes tall things.

If they was giraffes
out there in that field

we'd be in trouble.

But you sure don't have
to worry about dogs.

I'm worried about them, pa.

Well...

Oh, look, ope...

What were dogs
a million years ago?

Wild animals, right?
Wolves, coyotes...

They know how to hunt and fish
and look for shelter.

You take them two big airedales.

Why, they looked
as healthy as horses to me.

And the little, spotted one?

He was in fine shape.

But the little one
I first come in with:

He was a trembler, wasn't he?

Him?

Well, the big ones
will look after him.

See, they take care
of their own.

And you know dogs have
a way of keeping dry...

You know that?

They're insulated, you see.

They got this fur and that
keeps them cool in the summer

and warm and dry in the winter.

They're really set up
a lot better than human beings

as far as that goes.

And as far as
the little one goes, why...

The big ones,
they'll take care of him...

You know, the little,
trembly one?

And they're short, you see...

Close to the ground, and...

That way they can't get
struck by lightning.

Now, if they was giraffes,
they'd have been hit by now.

But dogs... are short.

And they take care of their own.

Giraffes don't.

No, giraffes don't at all.

Boy, giraffes are selfish.

Just run around
looking after number one.

Getting hit by lightning.

But dogs...

Are you just going to sit there
or are you coming with me?

What?

To get them dogs!

Are you coming with me?

Well, you know what this means.

We can kiss that application

for new funds good-bye.

Oh, I don't know.

You kidding?

We tell that investigator
we need new cots,

he'll say, "what for...
Dogs to sleep in?"

Maybe not.

Anyway, you did
a good thing, Barn.

You did a cardinal act of mercy.

Well, like they say:

"The quality of mercy
is not strained.

It droppeth as the gentle
rain from heaven."

You're not talking
to a jerk, you know!

I know!

Well, you know what
we still ain't figured out?

What? What to do with the dogs.

Sheriff's office.

Oh, yes, sir,
we been expecting you.

Come right on over.

Right, sir.

Mr. Somerset, the investigator,
is on his way over.

Ope, take the dogs out in
back and play with them.

And listen, don't
bring them back in

until I tell you, okay?

Okay!
Come on, fellas, let's go!

Just for as long as
the investigator's here.

It might work.

Might not.

Yeah, but it might.

Yeah, but it might not.

Well, holy smoke,

do you have to be
so negative about it?

Can't you be a little
more optimistic?

Okay...

Might work.

Yeah, but it might not.

Howdy.

Sheriff Taylor?

Yes, sir.

Somerset, state office.

How do you do?

My deputy, Barney Fife.

I tell you what
we need more than...

Your requests are all right here
on your application.

Well, the reason that we feel

we need these extra funds...

Now, that's why
I'm here, deputy,

to determine whether
you a entitled

to these added funds.

Well, yeah.

What my deputy was
trying to point out...

Excuse me, sheriff,
while I look around.

Guns all in good
working order, are they?

Uh, yeah.

Good.

What we could use, though...

What about cell space?

You house more than two
prisoners at one time?

Well, not usually.

Well, cell space seems
to be adequate.

We do need...

The cots, they're, they're...

What's wrong with them?
They look all right.

Well, they're wore out.

Well, they seem to be
in good condition.

In fact, the whole place seems
to be adequately supplied.

Is there some project
that you gentlemen are planning

for these added funds?

Well, uh, no!

We just want to keep the place

up-to-date, is all.

Well, the reason I ask that
was that my investigation...

Sorry, pa,
I couldn't keep 'em back there.

They like it better here.

Oh, that's all right.

I'm sorry,
Mr. Somerset.

These dogs really should
be in a dog pound.

Now, you try not to do that.

You've got some fine
hunting dogs here.

You sure do.
Look at that!

Look at that!

They probably smell
my dogs is why.

You've got dogs, have you?

Oh, three of them...
Two labradors and a beagle.

You've got some
good hunters here.

Well, look, now...
About those added funds...

I suppose you could use
some new cots, couldn't you?

We certainly could.

You could always use
some extra guns.

Always use some extra guns.

A Sam brown belt's
something I always...

Well, now, deputy, you've
got that: Sam brown belt.

Look, let's do it this way...

If there's anything else
that you think of that you need,

you just let me know,

and I'll do the very best I can
to get it for you.

Well, that certainly
is nice of you.

Oh, you got a good
bunch of animals.

Yeah, we're proud of 'em.

We can't let these little
fellows go to the pound.

No, that would never do.

It was a pleasure
meeting you both.

A pleasure meeting
you, Mr. Somerset.

You come back now, anytime.

Did you see that?

What?

The quality of mercy
is not strained.

You wasn't talking
to a jerk, you know.

Phew!

Well, I wouldn't ever want to
have to do that again.

Me neither.

But at least we got 'em
all in homes, anyhow.

That's one thing.

Yeah, surprising how many people
will take a dog in

if you just ask 'em.
Yeah.

Somebody trying to get in?

If it's them dogs,
I ain't budgin'.

Sheriff.

Yes, sir?

Biggers is my name.

Clint biggers.

Well, what can we do
for you, Mr. Biggers?

Someone was tellin' me

that they seen you a while back

with a whole pack of dogs.

What about it?

I been hunting them critters
high and low.

Them's my dogs.

How's that?

There's 11 of them, to be exact.

Airedale, basset, terrier...

One little scraggly one.

Them's the dogs
you had in your car.

Ain't they?

Well, don't just stand there.

Let's get some rope
and go get 'em.