The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 3, Episode 29 - A Wife for Andy - full transcript

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Opie!

Who did that to you?
What in the world happened?

Matt merliss,
he's my best friend.

I hate to think what he'd do
if he was your enemy.

You're a sight.

You better get home,
let aunt bee clean you up

and fix your britches.

She ain't home.



Miss Clara's sick
and she went over to help out.

Oh, phew!

I better do something.

Mm-mmm, come on.

Now, suppose you tell me

how you got yourself
all messed up like that.

Lookit there.

You gonna put that
stuff on that stings?

Mmm, just antiseptic's all.

There we are.

Now... now, there we are.

Hold it!

I ain't touched you yet.

What happens if you
don't put it on?



Will I die?

No, but your knee
might get infected

and then you'd have to go
over to doc Harvey's

and get a shot.

I'll take the antiseptic.

Andy?

Back here, Barn.

Now, suppose
you tell me what happened.

Some of us got into a
roughhouse on the playground.

A fight?

No, we was just
wrestlin', havin' fun.

You young'uns sure have fun
the hard way, don't you?

There you are.

Thanks, pa.

No, wait a minute.

Blow.

One more time.

All right, now suppose
you go on home

and get that wash rag you hate
so much and get cleaned up.

Okay, pa.
Okay, go on.

Pa?
What?

You got to come to school

and see my teacher.

How's that?

Miss crump saw
us scramblin' around

on the playground

and said she wanted to see

the mothers of all the boys

that was fightin'.

So, pa, I guess you're gonna
have to go for me.

All right, I'll try to get
over there sometime tomorrow.

Young'uns, young'uns,
young'uns, young'uns, young'uns.

Somethin' you wanna
talk to me about?

Trouble between you

and Thelma Lou?

Well, what do you want

to talk to me about?

You.

Me?

Well, what do you want

to talk to me about?

How long do you think
you can do it?

Do what?

How long do you think

you can be father
and mother to that boy?

Now, Andy, you owe it to Opie...

And just as important
if not more so...

You owe it to yourself.

You ain't gonna start
that again, are ya?

Start up on what again?

About why don't I get married

'cause I don't want
to talk about that.

Okay... you don't want
to talk about it?

We won't talk about it.

I'd appreciate it.

You know what they say

about a man that keeps puttin'
off gettin' married.

They say he starts
gettin' irritable.

Ayuh, that's what they say.

'Specially a man
that's been married once before.

He knows he's gonna have to
take the plunge again some day,

but he keeps puttin' it off...

And the more
he keeps puttin' it off

the more desperate he gets

and the more desperate he gets

the more irritable
he gets and the...

Will you shut up!?

There, you see
how irritable you are?

Proves my point.

It proves you're
worryin' me to death

when I'm tryin' to work.

That's what it proves.

You want me to tell you?
I'll tell you.

I ain't found the woman
I want to marry yet.

I ain't puttin' it off.

I miss bein' married.

Sometimes I get to feelin'
downright lonesome.

I miss goin' home to a wife.

But then, you see,
gettin' married means

you've found the woman
you want to settle down with

and I ain't found her yet.

But when I do, you'll be
the first to know, okay?

Do you mean to tell me

that in all of Mayberry, there
ain't one woman for you?

I didn't say that.

I didn't say that at all.

She might very well be here.

I just ain't found her yet.

But till I do, the subject
is closed, right?

Oh, closed tight, buddy.

Good.

As long as I made
my point with you,

the subject is closed
and put away.

That's fine.

You know what my point was...

That you owe it to yourself...

Barney!

Closed!

Let's see.

Well, I'm going now.
I won't be long.

I'm just bringing Clara
something over for supper.

You know that poor dear
can hardly get around.

What's the matter
with her, anyway?

She spilled some bacon
grease behind the stove

and she was afraid
it would attract ants.

So she tried to lift
the stove to clean it up

and now she's walking crooked.

Aw... well,
you give her my best.

I will.

Opie, one story and up to bed.

Okay... aunt bee?

Hmm?

Miss Clare gets ants

tell her not to kill 'em.

I'll bring 'em home
and make an ant farm.

Oh, no, you won't!

Good night.

All right now, ope,
what story'll it be?

"The headless horseman."
That's my favorite.

Mm-hmm, "legend
of sleepy hollow."

All right, there we are.

You ought to know this one
by heart by now.

"It was the very witchin' time
of night that ichabod,

"heavy-hearted and crestfallen,
pursued his travel homewards

"along the sides of the lofty
hills which rise above tarrytown

and which he had traversed so
cheerily in the afternoon."

Wonder who that is.

Don't lose the place.

Hello, Andy.

Well, hi, Amanda, how are you?

I haven't seen you
in a long time.

It has been some time.

What brings you out this way?

Oh... why,
I got a message

sayin' I was to meet
Thelma Lou here.

Isn't she here?

No, she's not.

But if she said for you
to meet her out here,

I expect she'll be along.

Won't you come on in?

I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

Um, no, I was just
readin' Opie a story.

Oh, please,
don't let me stop you.

I'll just sit right over here.

You go right ahead.

All right, you just excuse us.

All right.

"It was the very witchin'
time of night that ichabod,

heavy-hearted
and crestfallen..."

Yeah, "pursued his..."

"Along the sides of the lofty
hills which rise above tarrytown

and which he had traversed
so cheerily in the afternoon."

Hmm, maybe that's

Thelma Lou now.

Hi, Andy!

Well, hi, lavinia.

This is a surprise.

How've you been?

Fine. I'm supposed
to meet Thelma Lou here.

Oh? Well, Amanda's
here waitin' for her, too.

Won't you come in?

She is?

Well, hi, Amanda!

Hi, lavinia!

Ooh, come sit down.

Now, Andy, you just
read your story

and we'll talk very quietly
and try not to disturb you.

Excuse us.

"It was the very witchin'
time of night that ichabod,

heavy-hearted
and crestfallen"...

"Crestfallen, pursued
his travels homewards

"along the sides of the lofty
hills which rise above tarrytown

and which he had traversed
so cheerily in the afternoon."

I hope that's Thelma Lou, here.

Hi, Rosemary, blanche.

Hello, we're here...

You're here to meet Thelma Lou.

Won't you come on in?

There's some others
waitin' for her.

Well, hi, lavinia!

Blanche!

Oh, it's Rosemary!
Gorgeous!

How are you?

Ladies, if you all will...
Will excuse us,

I was just readin'
my boy a story.

You just make yourself at home.

Pa?

Hmm?

How come Thelma Lou asked

all them girls to meet her here?

I don't know.

Maybe they're paintin'
over at her house

and that makes a mess,

and so she just
invited 'em over here.

"It was the very witchin' time
of night that ichabod..."

Maybe we better read
this story another time.

They're startin' to pile up now.

You go on up to bed
and I'll be up after a while.

Okay, pa, night.

Night.

Evening, ladies.

If you're here
to meet Thelma Lou,

come right on in.

Uh...

Girls, uh.

Ladies, uh, ladies,

I don't...

Uh, ladies, ladies,

uh, ladies, I don't know

why Thelma Lou's not here yet.

I'll get on the
phone and call her.

Excuse me, that's the back door.

They're here, huh?

Well, what do ya think?

What?

The girls... any prospects?

See anything you like?

You don't mean to tell me

you sent them girls here.

This way you see
'em all at once.

You check off what you like

and if you don't see
anything you like,

we send in another
batch tomorrow night.

Listen to 'em out there.

Just think... one of 'em might be

the next
Mrs. Andy Taylor

right behind that door.

Don't that excite ya?

Get them girls outta here.

What's wrong?

Get them girls outta here.

What's the matter?

They don't know
why they're here.

You just look 'em over

and you say, "this one is out"

this one's a maybe,
this one's good..."

Get them girls outta here.

Okay. You're right.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

You see too many at one
time, you get confused.

I'll get 'em right out.
Barney.

Why are you doin'
all this for me?

Why?

You crazy guy!

Even askin' such a thing.

Because I'm your best friend.

I wanna make ya happy.

Crazy guy.

All right, girls.

Girls, girls.

Now, girls, you're
probably wonderin'

why you were all asked
here this evening.

Hmm. Yes. We are.

Well, I asked you here
on behalf of Thelma Lou

who is gonna speak to ya

on a subject
of interest to ya all.

But now, Thelma Lou
can't make it,

so the meeting
has been postponed.

I'll let you know the time and
the place of the next meeting,

and in the meantime, thanks
a lot for this swell turnout.

What turnout?

What did we turn out for?

We'll let you know.

I wish I knew
what this was all about.

I do, too.

I don't know.

Sure you don't see one you like?

They're all hand-picked.

Barney!

It's just a big mystery,
the whole thing.

Well, the search goes on.

Hi, Thelma Lou.

Hi, Lorraine.

Who's that?

Lorraine beasley.

Lorraine beasley.

She might be a little
young for Andy,

but she's a possible.

You're not really
serious about this,

are ya?

Well, of course I am.

Makin' up a list of girls

that might be right
for Andy... it's just...

It's just what?

Well, you don't find
a wife that way.

That's what you do
when you're tryin'

to organize a girls'
softball team.

Thelma Lou,

these are only
suggestions is all.

Why not leave that to him?

Because he wouldn't
do nothin' about it.

Thelma Lou, Andy's a lonely man.

Hi, Anna-belle.

Anna-belle who?

She's married.

Wait a minute.

Well, boys are going
to roughhouse.

I just don't want them
to get themselves hurt.

Well, Opie won't be givin' ya

any more trouble
for a while, anyway.

Of course.

She's the most logical candidate
of all... Opie's teacher.

What? What are
you lookin' at?

Maybe the future Mrs.
Andy Taylor is all.

And you and I are gonna help it
along, sweetie.

The first thing we do
is plan a little dinner.

Well, thank you, Thelma Lou.

That's nice of you.

About 7:00?

Fine.
I'll be there.

Much obliged.

That's nice of her.

Mm-hmm.

Wait a minute.

What do you know about this?

Huh?

Thelma Lou
invitin' me to dinner.

What's the occasion?

Uh...no occasion.

She... she was just sayin'
the other day

how she ain't had you to dinner
in a long time.

Thelma Lou ain't
ever had me to dinner.

Well, there you are.

It ha been a long time.

Coming!

Ah, come in.

Thelma, Andy Lou's here.

You know what I mean.

Good to see ya.

What's the matter with you?

Me? Nothin'.
I'm just glad to see ya.

Must be...

You're still shakin' my hand.

Oh, oh, well.

Come on in.

I believe you two
know each other.

Good evening.

Well, this is a surprise.

Yeah, it is a
surprise, isn't it?

That's what
I thought you'd say...

That it was a surprise.

Hi, Andy.

Oh, hi.

Thelma Lou, know what Andy said

when he saw miss
crump sittin' there?

He said it was a surprise.

Oh, really?

He just walked in,

took one look...

How d'ya say that, Andy?

Say it for Thelma Lou.

I just said that
it was a surprise.

That's just the way he said it.

You were surprised, weren't ya?

Yeah, but I'm not anymore.

You know, I hardly recognized
you without your uniform.

He does look different,
don't he?

I think he looks taller.

Thelma Lou, don't you think

Andy looks taller?

Come on, Barn.

Well, you do.

Miss crump, why don't you

stand up alongside
of Andy and see.

Uh, Barn...
Go on.

Go on, just stand there

alongside of him.

There, you see?

I believe you're right.

They look great together...

Just great.

I hope you aren't all starved.

Dinner won't be for a while yet.

Well, what's the hurry?

We want to talk a while, anyway,

don't we?

Why don't we just sit down?

Go on, just have a seat.

There we go.

Dinner certainly
does smell wonderful

whatever it is.

Oh, it's just leg of lamb.

Leg of lamb?

Good, good.

That's my favorite dish.

Did ya hear that, miss crump?

That's Andy's favorite dish.

Son of a gun,
ever since I can remember

it's been his favorite dish.

I bet you cook a mean leg
of lamb yourself, don't ya?

Oh, no, I wouldn't
know where to start.

Huh! Come on.

No, really.

You mean you don't know
how to cook leg of lamb...

Andy's favorite dish?

No, as a matter of fact,

I'm a terrible cook.

You're just sayin' that.

You're bein' modest.

Barney, miss crump's
so busy teachin' all day

she don't have time
to fool with cookin'.

I suppose that's true.

But then, some day
when you settle down,

I mean when you get married
or somethin' like that,

well, you'll probably
start to cook

and then you'll make
a terrific leg of lamb...

Andy's favorite dish.

I really doubt it.

Well, holy cats,
what'll you feed your husband?

If you get married or something?

Well, I suppose he'll
just have to settle

for frozen dinners.

You're kiddin'.

Well, what's wrong

with frozen dinners, Barn?

They're good, I like 'em.

No, you don't.

If you're home all day,
you'll have lots of time.

But I won't be.

I'll still be teaching, I hope.

You're not gonna give up
your job when you get married?

Well, I'd hope not.

I enjoy teaching.

Women don't do
that anymore, Barn.

This is the 20th century.

I know what century it is.

Thelma Lou, don't you think

we'd better start
getting that dinner on?

I don't think
it's ready yet, Barney.

Let's just check on that.

Excuse us.

The sooner we get this
over with, the better.

Barney, why?

Because I made a mistake.

This dame ain't for Andy.

We cross her off our list.

But why?

Because she can't cook.
She can't do nothin'.

Barney!

No, she's o-u-t... out.

Now, get the dinner.

But I don't think it's ready.

Ready or not,
let's get it over with

and get on with the next one.

Okay, folks, dinner!

Andy, listen.

I just want...
Wait a minute.

Thanks, buddy.

Huh?

For last night.

I really enjoyed it.

Helen's one of the nicest girls

I ever met.

Helen?

Miss crump.

It's Helen?

Yeah, after Thelma Lou's,

I walked her home

and got better
acquainted... nice girl.

And I owe it all to you.

Helen?

Yeah.

She's not for you, Andy.

What?

She's not for you.

Now just forget it,
forget last night.

What are you talkin' about?

Last night was the first
of many experiments.

Now, it failed,
so just forget it.

Well, why should I?

I like her.

No, you don't.

No, just forget it.

But I do.

She's pleasant,
she's interestin'

I enjoy her company.

Andy, I forbid you
to see that girl again.

Are you outta your mind?

I got a date for tonight.
She's comin' to dinner.

Andy!
Forget it!

Coming.

Hello, Andy.

Oh, hi, Amanda.

Don't tell me Thelma...

Here we go again.

I got a call sayin'
to meet Thelma Lou.

She get here yet?

Uh, no.

Don't let me interrupt anything.

Go ahead with
what you were doin'.

Well, all right.

Hi, Andy... Thelma Lou here yet?

Lavinia, I don't think

that Thelma Lou
actually meant...

Hello.

Excuse me.

What's this all about?

I'm sorry, Andy,
but I had to do it.

Now, you'll thank
me for it someday.

I know it was
a rotten thing to do,

but I had to do it.

What?

Has miss crump been
here and took off?

No.

Oh, well, when she does get here

and sees all them
girls, she will.

She'll get the idea you got
a lot of girlfriends

and she'll leave.

You do have a dinner
date this evening?

Yeah. I'm gonna pick her
up at her house

and take her to
mount pilot for Chinese.

Huh?

Wanna come in here?

Girls, girls,
girls, you wanna...

Quiet down, girls, girls

girls, you wanna quiet down?

Uh,
you're probably all wonderin'

why you was asked
here this evenin'.

We sure are.

Well, uh, I, uh

I don't have any idea.

But deputy Fife,

who called you, might.

Tell 'em, Barn.

What is this, Barney?

Yes, it's the second time.

Listen, you should tell us!

We want to know what's going on.

All right, quiet, girls.

Girls, just a minute, girls.

Uh, have you girls ever thought

of starting a softball team?

Andy...

Barn.

Uh, Andy.

Barney.

I got something I want to say,
and I want you to hear me out.

I've been meddling too much
in your personal affairs.

Oh, now... please.

Please. Now, I've been
meddling too much

in your personal affairs,

and the time's come
for me to stop it.

After all, you're a grown man

and you certainly don't need
the likes of me

to advise you or to guide you

or tell you who to go with
or who not to go with.

It's your life and yours to do
whatever you please with it.

Whoever you want to marry,
well, that's your own business.

I just ain't gonna interfere.

That's what I had to say.

Well, I appreciate that, Barn.

And I'm glad you feel that way,

'cause I've got something
I want to tell you, too.

I've decided
I'm gonna court miss crump.

Miss crump?

Are you kiddin', Andy?

Why, she can't even cook
a leg of lamb!

She said herself
she's a terrible cook!