The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 3, Episode 28 - The Rivals - full transcript

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Oh, hi there, Karen.

Hello.

Did you get that note
I passed to you in school today?

Yes, I got it.

When Floyd gave me a haircut
last week,

he said it wouldn't be long
before I'd be shaving.

Say, Karen,

how would you like to see
the inside of a real jail?



Bet you'd be the only girl
in town who ever did.

Nobody's allowed in,
except on official business,

but I can fix it with my paw.

Well...

Come on!

Hi, paw.

Hi, son.

This is Karen burgess.

Well, how do you do,
Karen burgess?

How do you do, sheriff?

She's never seen the
inside of a real jail.

Oh, oh...

Well, why don't you
just show her around?

I 'spect you know the layout



about as good
as anybody there is.

Well, uh...

Let's see...

If you'll just step
over here, Karen.

Now, this is our file cabinet

where we keep all
of our secret papers.

If you'll just step
over here, please.

And this is our gun rack

where we keep all of
our offensive weapons.

If you'd just follow me, please.

And these are our cells

where we keep all kinds
of desperate criminals.

And that's not all.

I think we have
something over here

you might be interested in.

See that door back there?

Well, that's the door
I go through

when I empty out
the trash baskets.

'Course, emptyin' trash
is only part of it.

Most of the time

we're busy huntin' down
desperate criminals.

What's on today, paw?

Any roadblocks or stakeouts or 3

oh, about the only action so far

miss Purvis called me

to get her cat off the roof.

But that could change any time.

You been around the law game

long enough to know that.

This phone could ring any second

and we'd be out blockin' roads
and stakin' out

and 3-8ing and 4-2ing
all over the place.

Well, that's the way she goes.

Sometimes this place
is really jumpin'.

You just caught us
on a slow day.

I think I'd better be
getting home now.

It's time for my piano lesson.

Thank you very much,
sheriff Taylor.

You're very welcome.
Come back any time.

Any friend of Opie's
is a friend of mine.

Thank you.

See ya later, ope.

10-4.

See you later, paw.

Would you like me to
carry your books, Karen?

No, thanks, they're not heavy.

Bye-bye.

Paw?

Hmm?

When you like someone
a whole lot

that means you
love 'em, don't it?

It depends.

Well, when I'm with Karen

I get a lump in my
throat, my ears ring

and my knees get all swiggly.

Does that mean I'm in love?

Either that or you got a
real bad case of the measles.

Paw?

Mm

If I marry Karen someday

her name becomes
Karen Taylor, don't it?

Yeah.

And all your children
become Taylors, too.

Children?

I don't think we'd have
any children, paw.

We already know plenty
of kids to play with.

Well, 'course, that's up to you.

Paw...

Hmm?

How can I get Karen to like me?

'Pears to me,
she likes you fine.

She won't even let me
carry her books.

How can I get her to like me?

Well, I guess the best thing
to do would be

just treat her
as nice as you can

and then after that

it's up to the love bug as to
whether he's gonna bite or not.

But, now, if you keep on
likin' her

and she don't like you back

why, I 'spect
you'll get over it.

'Bout bedtime, ain't it?

Uh-huh.

You go on and get
a good night's sleep

and put them thoughts

out of your head
for tonight, okay?

Okay, paw.

Good night.

G'night, paw.

Paw?

Hmm?

She sure is pretty, ain't she?

She sure is.

Night, paw.

G'night.

Hi, Opie.

Hi.

How ya doin', ope?

:
Okay, I guess.

What do you think's
wrong with him?

I don't know.

I've never seen him so down.

Well, you know kids.

Yeah.

Well, here we are.
I'll see you later.

Okay.

All right, Louie, drop the gun!

Hi, Barn.

Drop the gun.

You had me, too.

Yeah.

Hey, what's the matter
with Opie?

He's mopin' around out there

like he didn't have
a friend in the world.

I 'spect that's about
the way he feels.

He's having his first experience
fallin' in love

and she won't have
anything to do with him.

Oh, his first taste of the old
amour, toujours amour?

Yeah.

What advice you giving him?

What advice can I give him?

Told him to be nice to her.

Be nice?

Oh, come on, Andy.

Nice guys finish last.

What?

Nice guys finish last.

I know, I went through it.

Little Vicky harms.

I wasn't no bigger than Opie.

I met her over
by the ice cream parlor.

Stepped outside one day
with my raspberry sno-cone

and there she was.

And she just stopped me cold.

Head to foot,
I was just clammy all over.

I knew it was love.

Icy chills just run all over me.

Sounds to me more like
your sno-cone was leakin'.

Boy, I sure did like her.

She didn't like you back?

Oh, well, no, it
wasn't that so much.

I don't know... it was mostly
her stuck-up attitude.

I mean, she used to walk
around in long curls

and print dresses
and patent leather shoes

and her nose up in the air.

Boy, she really thought
she was hot stuff.

Why?

Oh, her daddy was
in civil service.

Boy, if I knew then
what I know now.

She used to do one thing
that really used to burn me up.

What was that?

You know how I like sno-cones.

Raspberry.

Right... there wasn't
a day went by

that I didn't offer that girl
a bite of my sno-cone.

You know what she used to do
every single time?

What?

She used to bite off the end,
sip out all the syrup

and leave me with nothin'
but the ice.

Yeah, ice.

That's terrible.

Yeah.

Today you know different.

Oh, are you kiddin'?

Listen, if I had a date
with Vicky harms today

and I got myself all shaved

and I went over to her house
with my sno-cone

you know what I'd do?

What?

The minute she opened that door

I'd bite off the end of the cone

sip out the syrup
and hand her the ice.

What do you think of that?

Well, I'll tell you
the truth, Barn.

If I was Vicky harms

and a 35-year-old man
come up to my house

with a sno-cone in his hand

I wouldn't even answer the door.

You know what I mean.

Hi, Karen.

Watch this.

Can you do this?

Yes, but I don't think
it's very ladylike.

Hi, Opie.

Hi.

Well, howdy, Thelma Lou, ope.

Oh, hi, Andy.

You know what
I was just wishin'?

That I could find
some big strong fella

to help carry my packages.

Opie'd do that for you.

Oh, good.

When I get home,
I'm gonna make some brownies

and I sure could use
a test pilot.

You mean fudge brownies?

Mm-hmm, to go with my
homemade peach ice cream.

Well, how 'bout that?

Opie'd be glad to go with you.

Wouldn't you, ope?

Fine, Mr. Foley has
my packages all ready.

He's sure lovesick, isn't he?

Yeah.

I 'spect your fudge brownies

might just provide
the antidote though.

What's sayin', Thelma Lou?

Shall we have coffee now?

I'm sorry, Barney,
I won't be able to.

I made some plans with Opie.

With Opie?

Oh, there you are.

You haven't tasted my homemade
peach ice cream, have you?

Mm-mm.

Opie's feelin' sad.

Karen turned him down again.

Thelma Lou's just tryin'
to lift his spirits.

Oh.

Which do you like?

Oh, I like 'em with
walnuts and pecans

and I just like 'em plain, too.

Me, too.

Well, in that case,
I guess I'll make some plain.

Hi, ange.

Hi.

Comin' along good.

Mmm.

Is ope back?

I ain't seen him.

You suppose he's still
over Thelma Lou's?

No, I don't expect
he's still over there.

He's probably out
playin' by now.

Yeah, I guess.

Well, I think I'll
call Thelma Lou up

invite her to go
for a little ride tonight.

Gonna be a moon.

Maybe we'll just go up
to the duck pond and park.

Little smoochin' party, huh?

Que sera, sera.

As soon as I get
these cleaned up

we'll divide the batter

and we'll make half with walnuts

and half with pecans, okay?

Okay.

Would you answer it
please, Opie?

Oh, sure.

Hi, pussycat.

Oh, hi, Barney.

You still there, ope?

Let me speak to Thelma Lou.

He wants to speak to you.

Ask him what he wants.

What do you want, Barney?

Well...

Ask her if she wants to go
for a little ride tonight.

You going' ridin' tonight?

Ask her, ask her!

Would you like to
go for a ride tonight?

Might be fun... where to?

Where to, Barn?

Well, nowhere in particular...

Just around.

You mean around in circles?

Anywhere... the duck pond.

Why go to the duck pond
at night?

You won't be able
to see the ducks.

You shouldn't be doing this.

This is a person-to-person call.

It's as bad as openin'
somebody else's mail.

Let me speak to Thelma Lou.

He really wants to speak to you.

You're doin' fine.

Ask him again why he wants
to go to the duck pond.

Barney, why do you want
to go the duck pond?

Oh, never mind.

What's the matter?

Oh, ope's still there.

Couldn't get a word
in with Thelma Lou.

That boy shouldn't

be allowed to answer the phone...

He's a minor.

Tryin' to keep him busy.

Well, I wish you'd
explain to your boy

that youngsters
shouldn't be allowed

to interfere with grownups.

I'll try, but I
might not have time.

What do you mean?

I might be too busy

tryin' to explain to him

why you wanna go
to the duck pond.

Oh, there's Opie.

Yeah.

Po' little fella...

Probably waitin'
for Karen again.

Ya know, Andy,
that boy needs help

and if you ain't gonna
give it to him, I am.

Well, what do you got in mind?

I'll give him a
couple of fast tips

that'll get his girl
back just like that.

Hmm.

How's it goin', ope?

Hi, Barney.

Waitin' for your girl?

You know, uh...

I got an idea for you.

This time when she comes by

you step right out
and you say to her

"well, here I am,
you lucky girl.

"If you play your cards right

maybe I'll let
you walk with me."

But she... go on, you try that.

Now, it never misses.

Is she comin'?

: Go on, try it, go on.

You're lucky.

You play your cards right

and you get to walk with me.

Well, I'll take you up on that.

Thanks, Barney.

Hi, Barney.

I was just on my way

to pick you up for a soda.

Wanna come along, too, Barney?

No, thanks.

Well.

How was school today, Opie?

About the same.

I'd like to talk to you, Andy.

What's the matter?

Now, you know I like Opie.

I always have.

He's well mannered.

He's obedient, well brought-up.

He's a good little
fella, he really is

just about one of the
nicest kids in this town.

I'm glad to hear that.

But lately he's gettin' to be

nothin' but a pest.

What you talkin' 'bout?

Just this... for days now
I been tryin'

to get a date with Thelma Lou

but he's always around.

You see, there?

You never shoulda let him in

on all your secrets
on how to handle women.

See, he stole your girl
right away from you.

But I'll tell you what.

He has to be in bed by 8:30

so that'll give you evenings
to catch up to him.

Okay, Andy, okay.

I'll say one thing

right up to sunset,
that kid sure is dynamite.

Now look, Andy, fun is fun,
but I ain't kiddin'.

I wouldn't worry about it.

Tomorrow's Saturday...
And Saturday,

he'll be so busy runnin'
and jumpin' and yellin'

he will have forgotten
all about girls and Thelma Lou

and everything.

Well, I hope so.

Ooh, that's pretty
sneaky hair lotion.

You must have a date.

Well, yeah.

Hi, paw.

Hi, ope.

Remember what you told me

about how you like someone

then you get over it?

I remember exactly.

You sure were right.

You do get over it.

Good, glad to hear it.

Yup.

I hardly think of Karen anymore

now that Thelma Lou's my girl.

So Thelma Lou's your girl, huh?

Mm-hmm, and guess what?

Today's Saturday so I get
to spend all day with her.

I'll go get a cup of coffee.

Uh, say, um...

So you're gonna spend the day
with Thelma Lou, are you?

Mm-hmm.

Whatcha gonna do?

I don't know.

Why don't you go bike riddin'?

Yeah.

Oh, wait a minute,
that wouldn't work.

Why?

Thelma Lou's a grown woman

and grown women
don't go bike ridin'.

Well, we could, uh...

You could go to mcguiness's

and climb his apple trees.

That's a good idea.

That wouldn't work
either though.

How come?

'Cause grown women
wear high heels

and it's hard for 'em

to climb apple trees
in high heels.

But you'll think of somethin'.

I guess we could go
to the movies.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Ain't that a cowboy picture,
a shoot

sure is.

Hmm, no.

Not for a grown woman?

No, they like pictures
with kissin' in 'em

but you'll think of
somethin' else that's fun to do.

Paw.

Mm

Just what can you do
with a grown woman?

Well...

Let's see, um...

Uh, sometimes, uh,
sometimes they, uh,

they take you shoppin' with 'em.

And you go over to the store

and set around while
she tries on dresses

and you tell her
whether you like

the brown one with
the green stripe

or the red one
with the white dot

and then after you
get done with that

why, you go over to
the hat department

and you set around over there

for, oh, hour or two
while she tries on hats

and you say, you say

"I like that one,
and I, uh..."

And, uh, then after that

why, you get to carry the
dress boxes and the hat boxes

on over to her house

and then you get
to set around there

for awhile while she gets all

dressed up and fixed up

and then you go with her
over to visit her mother

and you set around there

till, oh about dark

and then it's about time to go
home and... and it's a fun day.

There's no question about it.

It's a fun day
all the way around.

So you might as well just
go on over to Thelma Lou's

and pick her up and
go shoppin' with her

and just start havin'
fun and a good time.

I'll see ya.

Oh, hi, Karen.

Hi, Opie.

You going to the movies?

The movies?

Sure.

What movie you goin' to?

The cowboy movie.

And after that, you wanna go
bike ridin' over to Walker's

and have a soda?

Okay.

Just a minute.

Paw?
Hmm?

I'm going' to the movies
with Karen.

Oh?

Do you think you could...

Well, kinda explain things
to Thelma Lou?

You don't mean...

Gee, I'll try.

Might be kind of a shock...
But I expect she'll get over it.

Like you say,
she is a grown woman.

That's right, she is.

Here comes Thelma Lou.

Do you know something, Andy?

Hmm?

I realize Thelma Lou was
just trying to help Opie out

when he was having his trouble
with Karen,

but I'll tell you something...

She could have saved some time
for me somewheres.

Now, Barn, it's all over.

No, sir, I believe
I'm just gonna let her think

I wasn't exactly sitting around,
waiting for her.

You're just asking for trouble.

No, keep 'em guessing.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sally.

I really can't say yes or no

about going
to the movies tonight.

You were looking forward
to what?

Well, i-I'm sorry.

I really can't say yes or no.

Well, I know how much
it means to you, but...

You want to get that, Barn?
You're closer.

Sheriff's office.

Sign fell down?

Right. We'll get it.

Sorry you're gonna be busy
at the movies, Barney.

I was hoping we could drive
up to the duck pond.

Well, there went the duck pond.

Oh, don't worry about it, tiger.
You'll get her back.

Hey, maybe Opie could give you
some tips.

He always got along real fine
with Thelma Lou.