The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 3, Episode 26 - Andy's English Valet - full transcript

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

'Bout ready, aunt bee?

Coming, dear, coming.

You know, I just know
I've forgotten something.

Aunt bee, we just barely
got time to make the bus.

Let's see... I've left
a whole ham in the icebox

and I've left a cake and there's plenty
of eggs, and there's plenty of milk.

There's no reason
why you and Opie

can't get along
without me just for a few days?



No reason in the entire world.

Now, we got to hurry.

No. No, I'm not going.

Aunt bee, don't worry.

Everything will be fine.

Well...

Oh! Oh, my pocketbook.

Now, remember,
if you want anything...

Miss snyder's next door.

And be sure that Opie...
...Opie dresses warm for school.

And Tuesday morning...
...Maggie will be here to clean.

Be sure the house isn't a mess.

That woman will have it
all over town.

Aunt bee, we got to go.



Well, I'm all ready.
I'm just waiting for you.

Oh, miss Edwards
is leaving her car here

while we're gone,

and she said you can
use it if you want to.

I wish you would and
keep the battery up.

I don't expect
I'll need it much.

I wish you had time
to fix up around the place.

Those bushes could
do with a bit of trimming

and that porch
needs a bit of paint.

Do you know that
the attic window is cracked?

I-I'll try to get to it
if I get there.

Oh, the scarf!
The what?

The scarf I knit
for Florence. Ohh!

Excuse me, constable.

You are the constable,
aren't you?

I mean, I saw the car
with the thingamajig on top

and I took it for granted

you might be in the way
of being the constable.

Well, yeah, I'm the constable.
Actually, I'm the sheriff.

Are you really?

Ain't that wonderful, eh?

Hey!

Might I ask a question?

Sure. What is it?

Where can I find the constable?

Well, I am the constable.

Sheriff and constable
are kind of the same thing.

Get away.

Would you mind giving me
some directions, please?

I'm not too familiar
with these parts.

Rather a long way from home.

I figured.

You're British, aren't you?

I come from the town
of heckmondwike

up derbyshire way...

I'm on a bit of a holiday.

It's a lovely place.

Heckmondwike.

I say it's
a lovely place heckmondwike.

I work there as the gentleman's
gentleman to colonel chumley.

Been at it now

for 11 years.
Oh?

Finally tucked enough away
to make the trip over.

I was going to hire a car

but you can't imagine
what they were asking.

Shocking, it was...
Just shocking.

Yeah.

You see, what I'm trying to do

is see as many
of your little towns as I can.

Lovely, they are, just lovely...
Just like home.

Heckmondwike?

Have you been there?

Oh, I wish I'd known.

Well, next time you come,
you must give us a ring.

Yeah.

You mustn't keep me
a-talking to you like this.

I have to be on my way.

W-Wait a minute.

Wasn't there something
you wanted to ask me?

Oh, aye! Aye, yes.

Could you direct me
to route 43, please?

Oh, route 43.
Well, you...

Um, maybe I better
write it down.

Got a pencil?

There ya go.

Okay. Now...

You go down here
to the stoplight down here

and turn left.

You go two blocks, turn right.

Go right through
the middle of town

till you run into the
intersection and right again.

Then you go along

and you go crooked
and crooked and crooked.

Go on about two miles,
and you'll run right into it.

Okay?

Piece of cake.

Sure you got it?

Oh, absolutely,
no trouble at all.

Thank you very much.
Goodbye.

Oh.

Well, uh, bye.

Barney, get over here!

Everybody back!

Get back, everybody!
Get back!

Get back!
Everybody get back.

All right, you, come on.
Let's go.

Look at my truck, Barney.
Go take him out of here.

You get out of here, too.
Go on... get down off there.

Everybody get back!
Back, everybody!

Come on, let's go.

Come on, back, everybody!

Everybody back.
Come on!

Barney?

Hey, come on.
Let's move.

Get in here.

You! Here!

What in the world's the trouble?

Well, just a bit of a mix-up.

Mix it was chaos!
Pandemonium!

Bike riding and map
reading at the same time.

He practically turned Mayberry
into a disaster area!

Plus, fletch Roberts here
run his truck

into a pile of packing crates.

$30 or $40 worth of damage.

Easy.

Hmm.

Well, where's your, uh,
where's your truck now, fletch?

It's still down there
wrapped around them crates.

Why don't you take it

on over to Wally's
filling station

and find out how much
it'll be to fix it

and come on back and tell me?

All right, sheriff. It beats
anything I've ever seen.

I never seen such recklessness
in my life.

What's the matter

with you, anyways?

I'm very sorry. I am, really.
I can't think what came over me.

I behaved like a proper Charlie.

And the Bobby here
is quite right.

I do deserve
a good dressing-down.

Andy?

Excuse me.

Notice anything about this bird?

Like what?

The way he talks.

What do you mean?

I don't think he's
from around here.

Fact is, I'd say he's from...

Somewheres else.

You think so?

He's a troublemaker
from another country.

Do you really think so?

Yeah, he's a
foreigner, all right.

Maybe Canada.
What do you think?

You know where
he just might be from?

Hmm?

Heckmondwike, england.

Ask him.

Where are you from, fella?

Heckmondwike, england.

Um...

I'm sorry about
all this, Mr., uh...

Oh, merriweather...
Malcolm merriweather.

I'm sorry all this happened,
you being a stranger and all

but, uh, fletch is pretty upset
about his truck

and I'm afraid you're going
to have to pay for the damages.

Quite all right.

Malcolm merriweather
always pays his own way.

How much has it come to?

I don't know.

According to fletch, it'll
come to upwards towards $40.

14 pounds, ten shillings,
and threepence three farthings?

Well, if that's $40,
that'll be about it.

I see.

Well, uh...

Could I do it on the never

pay a bit now and more later?

Well...i don't know.

Oh, let's lock him up.

Come on. Let's go!

Move it!

Hey, wait a minute, Barn.

Uh...

Maybe there's another
kind of never-never.

Maybe we can figure a way

for you to work off the debt.

Aren't you kind?

Aren't you kind?

Well, I could use some help
around the house.

Aren't you kind?

And, as it so happens,
I'm very handy around the house.

Well, hi.

Oh, hello.
Where did you come from?

I live here.

Well, what you doing?

I'm helping your dad
around the house.

You sure don't sound like
you're from around here.

I'm not.
I come from heckmondwike.

Is that anywhere near Raleigh?

No-ho-ho! It's in england.

Oh, you come
from the old country,

where they have all them castles
with moats and stuff.

Hi, paw!

Uh... soon as I get

the proper hang of this ladder

I'll get 'round
to fixing those things.

Well...

I better go ahead
and fix some lunch.

Good.
I'm starved.

Well, how would it be
if I stepped in

and fixed you some snap?

You both look a bit clemmed.

Oh, I couldn't ask you
to do that.

To tell you the truth

that's a bit more
in my line than this.

You see, that's what I do
for the colonel...

Keep his digs neat, press
his clothes, fix his meals.

And I'd like to do the same
for you and the young man

what with the lady
being away and all.

Well...

Oh, thank you very much, and
don't you worry about a thing.

When you come home this evening

you won't recognize the place.

Come on.

Ope, you home?

Hi, paw.

Well, look at you.

Malcolm made me do it.

He calls it
"dressing for dinner."

I had to take a bath, too

and it's only Wednesday.

Can I take it off, paw?

Not for one minute.

I like to see you
tidied up for a change.

I'd say a touch
of gracious living

is just what you need.

Good evening, sir.

The young man looks

a proper Bobby-dazzler,
doesn't he?

All dressed up
like a dog's dinner.

He does look fine.

The place looks
mighty nice, too.

Thank you, sir.

I'll draw your bath now, sir.

My bath?

Won't be a jiffy.

I've laid out your best suit...
Should do nicely.

Well...

Guess we're all in

for some gracious
livin', huh, paw?

You going to eat
supper, Malcolm?

Oh, thank you, sir
but I'll have mine later.

Golly, it sure
is good, huh, paw?

Mmm.

Sure is.

Ange, want to go up
to the filling station

and get a bottle of pop?

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize
you had company.

We don't have company.

Well, why are you all...

You going to prayer meeting?

Uh... well...

Prayer meeting ain't
tonight, is it?

No.

Sorry, I forgot...

Oh. Shall I lay one
more place for dinner, sir?

Want to eat supper, Barn?

Uh... uh... no.

Matter of fact,
I just got through work

and I was on my way home
to change.

It's just an old thing
I hardly ever wear.

Well, why don't you eat supper?

Oh, no, no. I...
I better be getting on home...

To get dressed up.

I'll pick you up in the morning.

Oh, that's all right.
I got flora's old car.

Why don't you eat with us, Barn?

Oh, no. I...
I better get on home.

I haven't even picked out

what I'm going
to wear tonight yet.

This durn old thing.

No, sir!

You hand them over.
I can put on my own pants.

But, sir, the colonel always...

Never mind the colonel.
Give me my pants.

If you say so, sir.

How about that, paw?

Mr. Malcolm drew that

right on the egg.

That's nice.

I sure do like him.

He cooks good, too.

Yeah, he's a nice fella.

Your morning paper, sir.

Wind from the southwest,
temperature 74.

Thank you.

I found your cap
in the back of the cupboard.

It needs a bit of brushing

but I'll have it ready directly.

You're going to wear
your cap, too, paw?

I got to go, ope.

But what about your cap?

Never mind that.

I'll see you later.

Now, Malcolm, listen...

Government house, sir?

Malcolm, let's
get this straight.

I'm able to drive myself.

Yes, sir.

I appreciate your help

but this is
altogether unnecessary.

Yes, sir.

If he makes you all
that uncomfortable

why don't you just come
right out and tell him?

I'm going to.

He's about to drive me crazy.

I'll see you.

Good night, ange.

It sure is fun

having you here,
Mr. Malcolm.

Well, young man,
I'll tell you something.

It's been the nicest part
of my holiday

and I'm very thankful
to you and your dad.

How come?

Well, just think.

I might have traveled

the length and breadth
of America

without ever finding out
what Americans were really like.

I used to think
you were quite different.

Then I came into your home

and saw how you lived.

You're not different
at all, really.

If it hadn't been for your dad

none of this would
have been possible.

And looking after
you and your dad

has made me very, very happy.

Ready?

One, two, three... whee!

How's that?

Oh, boy! A tree!
Thanks, Mr. Malcolm.

That'll do you.
You're very welcome.

Well...

Good evening, sir.
Hi, paw!

Look what
Mr. Malcolm made.

That's something.

Nothin'.
Just a doodad.

Look at the time, young man.

Go on. Up to kip.

Good night, paw.
Good night.

Can I get you some supper, sir?

I have some lovely
bubble and squeak.

No, thank you.
I had something in town.

Right, I'll just look after

the young man, then.

You left these in the car.

Thanks.

Did you tell him?

Come here.

Now, you pop into bed
and I'll fetch the milk.

I agree with you, Andy.

Malcolm's about as nice a guy

as you'd ever want to meet

but I still think

you ought to come
right out and tell him.

Well, I'll figure something.

It's either that, or
you're gonna have to spend

the rest of the week

putting up with
all kinds of nonsense.

Sounds to me like
the guy's just making

a grade "a" pest of himself.

Why don't you tell him to forget
the whole deal

and be on his way?

I don't know, Barn.

This is one of those things

where you have to kind of wait

for the right moment.

When the right moment comes

I'll try to figure
some way to tell him.

Morning, Mr. Malcolm.

Where's Mr. Malcolm, paw?

He ain't here.

Where did he go?

Is he out shopping or something?

No, he's...He's left, ope.
He's gone away.

Gone away?
For good?

Well, it sure looks like it.

Why, paw?

Why did he go?

I don't know, ope.

I come down this morning

and all I found
was this note here.

What did he say, paw?

Well, he says

"dear sir, I am very sorry

"but I had to leave
on urgent business.

I will send the money
instead. Malcolm."

Is that all he said?

Mm-hmm.

Curious, him leaving
sudden like that.

I sure liked him.

Yeah.

He promised
he was going to show me

how to make a paper ladder

and he was going to show me

how to make them
funny faces on the eggs, too.

Yeah.

Well, I still remember
how to fix breakfast.

Eat somethin'.

I'm not very hungry, paw.

You're not?

Well, you have to eat something.

You can't go to school
on an empty stomach.

Now, eat up, there.

I wonder why he left.

He said he liked working here
more than anything he ever did.

It's him!

Oh.

It's only Barney.

What do you mean, "only Barney"?

"Only Barney."

Malcolm left us.

He did?

That kind of took care of
itself, didn't it?

You want some coffee?
Yeah.

Ope, you left your milk in here.

That's the glass
from last night.

Malcolm came down

to get it for me

but he never brought it back.

Malcolm came downstairs
after you went to bed?

Mm-hmm.

You suppose he was
in here when we were...

Where you going?

To look for him.

Where do you think you're going?

Well, I... that is, uh...

I'm surprised at you.

A gentleman's gentleman
running out on a promise?

I did leave you a note, sir.

You see, I thought you...

I don't know what you thought

or what you heard.

The fact is,
it's a terrible thing

the high sheriff
having to tie his own tie.

Worst of all, Opie's back there

having to eat eggs
without faces on them.

You call that living correctly?

Oh, no, sir.

You about to turn around
and get right back to work.

Yes, sir. Right away.
I'll tend to it directly.

You see to it.

Fact is,

I want the whole lot
to be a regular Bobby-dazzler.

Yes, sir. Right away, sir.

Come back and see us again.

Well, I'd like to do that.

Now, listen,
be real careful on the road.

Don't you worry, sir.
I will.

Oh, uh, by the way,

there's bangers and mash
in the icebox,

and I got in some tripe
and cow heel for dinner.

I've left you two dozen eggs
with faces,

just till you get
the hang of it,

and, uh, oh,

he's got very fond
of roly-poly pudding for afters.

Give him a double dollop, eh?

Hey.

Well, cheerio, madam,
and cheerio to you.

Bye, Mr. Malcolm. Bye.

Write to us.

Bye-bye.
I will. I'll keep in touch.

You know, I can't understand
a word he says.

You can't?
Well, I'm surprised at you.

You understand him all right,
don't you, ope?

Sure.

You know, Mr. Malcolm forgot
to tell aunt bee

how to make bubble and squeak.

And how to whip us up
a snap when we're clemmed.

With double dollops of afters.

That's the most important part
...Double dollops of afters.

Oh, for heaven's sakes,
speak English.

Speak English...

That's exactly
what we was doing, right, ope?

Cheerio.