The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 2, Episode 3 - Andy and the Woman Speeder - full transcript

SANDWICH SURE
HIT THE SPOT.
DIDN'T IT, THOUGH?

I WAS ABOUT TO STARVE
TO DEATH.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU.

GOOD FISHIN' HOLE,
THOUGH.

WE OUGHT TO TRY
TO SLIP OVER THERE AGAIN.

LET ME SEE THEM PRETTY THINGS
ONE MORE TIME.

BOY, YOU DID DO
ALL RIGHT.

SURE, THREE TROUT
AND TWO PERCH.

YEAH, TOGETHER WITH
WHAT ME OPIE GOT,

WE CAN HAVE
A FINE FISH FRY.

AND DON'T FORGET WHAT
BARNEY WILL BE BRINGING IN.



THAT'S RIGHT.
WHERE IS THAT BOY?

HEY, BARNEY!

BARNEY!

Barney: WHAT?
COME ON!

HIM AND THAT
SECRET HOLE OF HIS.

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD,
YOU LEAVING SO SOON?

WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME.

WE'VE BEEN HERE
THREE AND A HALF HOURS.

YOU DO ALL RIGHT
AT THAT SECRET PLACE?

YEAH.
SEEMS AWFUL LIGHT.

I DONE ALL RIGHT.
WELL, LET'S SEE.

I SAID I DONE ALL RIGHT.

WELL, WHAT DID YOU CATCH,
PERCH OR TROUT? OH!

THE TROUBLE WITH YOU
BARBERS IS YOU'RE ALWAYS



STICKING YOUR NOSE
IN OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS.

BARNEY, YOU KNOW WE AGREED
TO POOL OUR CATCHES

FOR THE FISH FRY --
NOW, LET US SEE IT.

WE'LL SEE IT
SOONER OR LATER.

[ STOPS LAUGHING ]

OH, BOY, I BET YOUR POLE
WAS JUST A-BENDIN'

AND A-QUIVERIN'
OVER THAT.

A REAL MONSTER
OF THE DEEP!

[ LAUGHS ]
ARE WE GOING?
LET'S GO.

OLD FROG MAN.

OO-WEE,
DID YOU SEE THAT?

SPEED LIMIT
ALONG HERE IS 45.

THAT CAR WAS DOING 70!

Andy: COME ON!

GET IN!

[ SIREN WAILING ]

[ TIRES SCREECHING ]

SHERIFF TAYLOR.

IS SOMETHING THE MATTER?

YES, MA'AM.

MAY I SEE YOUR
DRIVER'S LICENSE?

"SOMETHING
THE MATTER"?

THAT'S
A GOOD ONE.

"ELIZABETH CROWLEY,

WASHINGTON, D.C."

YOU DON'T SET
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE

FOR SOMEBODY THAT LIVES
RIGHT IN THE CAPITAL OF

THE UNITED STATES, DO YOU?
YOU WERE SPEEDING.

I WAS?

YES, MA'AM.

I'M SO SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO.

IT'S THESE NEW CARS.

THEY MAKE THE ENGINES
SO POWERFUL.

ONE LITTLE TOUCH
AND THEY JUST... ZOOM!

I GUESS YOU HAVE TO WATCH OUT
FOR THAT, ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

IN THE FUTURE,
I'LL BE MUCH MORE CAREFUL.

YEAH.

WAIT, HOLD ON NOW.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE GOING TO BE
MORE CAREFUL IN THE FUTURE,

BUT I GOT TO GIVE YOU
THIS TICKET FOR THE PRESENT.

BUT THIS SAYS TO APPEAR
NEXT WEEK.

SORRY, MA'AM.

OFFICER, I'M IN A GREAT HURRY.

I JUST FINISHED A JOB
FOR MY MAGAZINE

AND I'VE GOT TO GET BACK
TO THE OFFICE.

COULDN'T WE JUST FORGET IT
THIS TIME, OFFICER?

HMM?

I'M SORRY, MA'AM.

OH, I SEE.

I'VE RUN INTO ONE OF THOSE
SMALL-TOWN SPEEDTRAPS.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

OH, I'VE HEARD
ABOUT THEM.

YOU JUST LIE IN WAIT

FOR THE FIRST OUT-OF-STATE CAR
YOU CAN BLEED.

WE DON'T HAVE SPEEDTRAPS
IN MAYBERRY.

WE DON'T OPERATE THAT WAY.

YOU HAVE A JUSTICE
OF THE PEACE IN MAYBERRY?

YES, MA'AM.

THEN I'D RATHER

DISCUSS THIS WITH HIM.

IF YOU DON'T MIND.

I DON'T MIND.

COURT'S IN SESSION.

YOU?

DEPUTY FIFE, WHAT'S
THE CHARGE HERE?

DOING 70
IN A 45-MILE ZONE.

WELL, THE FINE
FOR THAT IS, OH...

TEN DOLLARS
OUGHT TO DO IT.

TEN DOLLARS?

THAT'S THE USUAL FINE.

OH, I'M NOT
FIGHTING IT.

I'M JUST SURPRISED
IT'S SO LOW.

AFTER ALL, WHEN YOU HAVE
A FOOL-PROOF SYSTEM...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"FOOL-PROOF SYSTEM"?

OH, COME ON, NOW.

WHEN THE ARRESTING OFFICER

IS ALSO THE MAN
WHO TRIES THE CASE,

I HAVE A FEELING
YOU DON'T LOSE TOO OFTEN.

WHOA, NOW, HOLD ON THERE,
JUST A MINUTE.

YOU WOULDN'T BY ANY CHANCE
BE INSINUATING

THAT THIS COURT IS PREJUDICED
IN ANY WAY, WOULD YOU?

I'M NOT A CHILD, SHERIFF.

THEN YOU ARE INSINUATING.

THAT'LL BE TEN DOLLARS MORE
FOR CONTEMPT.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

THAT FIRST TEN DOLLARS
WAS JUST A STARTER.

YOU HAVE NO INTENTIONS
OF LETTING ME GO

UNTIL YOU DRAIN ME DRY,
HAVE YOU?

YOU'RE CONTEMPTED
AGAIN.

ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS.

ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS,
ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS.

WHY STOP THERE?

WHY NOT SEE
HOW MUCH I'VE GOT

AND TAKE IT ALL?

JESSE JAMES WOULD.
WHY NOT YOU?

LADY, YOU'RE PRACTICALLY CALLING
JUSTICE TAYLOR A THIEF!

THAT'S RIGHT.

AND YOU'VE INSULTED
THE DIGNITY OF MY ROBES.

NOW, YOU GOT ANY IDEA

WHAT THE FINE IS
FOR ROBE-INSULTING?

DON'T TELL ME.

ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS.

NO, THAT'S A BIGGIE.

THAT 'UNS $30.

AND THAT BRINGS US UP
TO THE GRAND TOTAL OF, UM...

DEPUTY, YOU BEEN
KEEPING TRACK?

UM... WELL, LET'S SEE.

30 AND TEN AND TEN
AND TEN IS, UM...

60.
60.

Andy: SEE HOW IT MOUNTS UP?

BUT IN VIEW OF THE FACT

THAT YOU UNDOUBTEDLY SPOKE
WITHOUT THINKING,

WE CAN SETTLE THE WHOLE THING
FOR, OH...

$25 OUGHT TO DO IT.

JUST PAY
THE DEPUTY.

I WILL NOT.

HOW'S THAT?

I REFUSE TO BE RAILROADED.

I WON'T PAY A CENT.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE PLEADING
"NOT GUILTY"?

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I PLEAD.

AND I DEMAND A TRIAL BEFORE
AN HONEST-TO-GOODNESS JUDGE.

WELL, WE DO HAVE MAYOR'S COURT.

FINE, MAYOR'S COURT.
I'LL APPEAR THERE.

ALL RIGHT,

AND YOU'RE ENTITLED
TO LEGAL COUNSEL

OF YOUR OWN CHOOSING.

WE GOT SOME FINE ATTORNEYS
HERE IN MAYBERRY.

BARNEY, IS RAFE PETERSON
AVAILABLE?

I DON'T KNOW, ANDY.
THINGS IS KIND OF SLOW.

LAST I HEARD,
HE WAS SELLING ALUMINUM SIDING.

Andy: THAT'S RIGHT,
THAT'S RIGHT.

SHE MIGHT GET
CLARENCE POLK, THOUGH.

HE DON'T START UMPIRING
BALL GAMES TILL JUNE.

IF YOU DON'T MIND,

I'LL PASS UP THESE
BRILLIANT BARRISTERS OF YOURS

AND BE MY OWN COUNSEL.

FINE, FINE.

UH, THERE'S ONE THING

THAT I DID FORGET
TO MENTION.

MAYOR'S COURT
DON'T TAKE UP

TILL, UH...
TOMORROW.

I'LL HAVE TO KEEP YOU
IN JAIL.

VERY WELL.

MA'AM, WE'RE NOT PREPARED
FOR LADY CUSTOMERS HERE.

THEN YOU'RE LETTING ME GO.

WELL, NO...

BUT YOU SURE WOULD SAVE US
A HEAP OF TROUBLE

ALL THE WAY AROUND
IF YOU'D JUST PAY THE FINE.

SHERIFF, I HAVE NO INTENTION
OF PAYING ONE RED CENT.

ALL RIGHT.

BE A STUBBORN FEMALE.

I CAN BE JUST AS STUBBORN.

WE'LL MAKE
ACCOMMODATIONS.

BARNEY, LOCK HER UP

AND BUY SOME
PINK TOWELS.

IT'S LOCKED!

AUNT BEE, OPEN UP!
IT'S US!

Aunt Bee:
JUST A MINUTE.

YOU CAN'T COME IN NOW,
WE'RE NOT DECENT.

CAN'T EVEN GET IN
OUR OWN OFFICE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT,
YOU CAN COME IN NOW.

WELL, THANKS A WHOLE LOT.

AUNT BEE,
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

WELL, LIZ IS JUST
DRYING OUT A FEW THINGS.

OH, BOY.

NOW, WHAT DID I DO
WITH THAT LIST?

OH, IT'S IN YOUR PURSE,
AUNT BEE.

OH... YES,
HERE WE ARE.

BARNEY, WE WANT
THESE THINGS RIGHT AWAY.

PLEASE?

NAIL POLISH?

O-DEE COLOGNE?
AW, COME ON.

AUNT BEE, IT AIN'T PART
OF OUR SERVICE

TO RUN ERRANDS
FOR PRISONERS.

WELL, YOU'VE NEVER HAD
A FEMALE PRISONER BEFORE.

COME ALONG, BARNEY.

DROP ME OFF HOME.

I HAVE
TO GET RUNNING.

WELL...

YOU SURE GOT AUNT BEE

EATING OUT OF YOUR HANDS,
AIN'TCHA?

OH, PLEASE
BELIEVE ME.

I WOULDN'T TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF HER.

IT'S JUST THAT SHE'S A VERY
SWEET AND THOUGHTFUL PERSON.

MM. SHE'S THAT, ALL RIGHT.

I THINK IT WAS VERY SWEET
AND THOUGHTFUL OF YOU

TO SEND HER OVER
TO TAKE CARE OF ME.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO.

A FEMALE PRISONER
HAS TO HAVE A MATRON.

THAT'S THE LAW.

WELL... ALL THE SAME,

I DO APPRECIATE IT.

I'M SORRY.

I'M AFRAID I'VE KIND OF
UPSET THINGS AROUND HERE.

I'LL GO ALONG WITH THAT.

HONESTLY, I WISH THIS WHOLE
THING HAD NEVER HAPPENED.

DO YOU MEAN THAT?

WELL, THAT MAKES
TWO OF US.

I WISH IT HADN'T
HAPPENED MYSELF.

I GUESS IT'S JUST A CASE
OF TOO MUCH BULL-HEADEDNESS.

IT WOULD SEEM SO.

LOOK, COULDN'T WE
ACT LIKE GROWN-UPS

AND START ALL OVER AGAIN?

I'M FOR THAT.

OH, GOOD.

THEN YOU LET ME OUT,

I'LL PAY THE FINE
AND BE ON MY WAY.

NOW YOU'RE TALKING
LIKE REAL FOLKS.

[ LAUGHS ]

OLD AUNT BEE AND BARNEY
WILL BE SURPRISED

WHEN THEY COME BACK AND FIND
EVERYTHING'S SETTLED.

I SHOULD THINK SO.

SHOULDN'T TAKE ME
LONG TO PACK.

I KNOW YOU'LL BE GLAD
TO GET ON THE WAY.

YEAH, THIS IS THE WAY
TO HANDLE THINGS.

AS I RECALL,
THE FINE WAS $10.

THERE YOU ARE.

WELL, THAT WAS
THE ORIGINAL FINE,

BUT AS YOU RECALL,
THE FINE IS NOW $25.

OH, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
HOLD ME TO THAT.

WELL, AS A SERVANT
OF THE PEOPLE,

I HAVE TO,
AND THE FINE IS $25.

WHAT WERE YOU SAYING
ABOUT BULL-HEADEDNESS?

I WAS REFERRING TO YOUR
BULL-HEADEDNESS, NOT MINE.

MY--

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
SHERIFF.

I AM GOING TO WIN THIS CASE.

IF NOT HERE,
I'LL APPEAL TO A HIGHER COURT.

IF NECESSARY, I'LL...TAKE IT
TO THE SUPREME COURT!

SUIT YOURSELF, LADY,
BUT YOU SURE ARE

TAKING THE HARD WAY
BACK TO WASHINGTON.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

OH, BARNEY,
I'M GLAD YOU'RE BACK.

TAKE OVER HERE,
WILL YOU?

I WANT TO GO SEE FLOYD.

I WANT TO ALERT HIM
TO STAND BY AS A WITNESS.

OKAY.

OH, YOU'LL BE CALLED ON
TO TESTIFY, TOO,

ALONG WITH OPIE.

THAT OUGHT TO SHUT THE LID
PRETTY TIGHT.

HE'S GOT THE CARDS ALL NEATLY
STACKED AGAINST ME, HASN'T HE?

JUST DOING A JOB,
MA'AM, THAT'S ALL.

THANK YOU.

UH, TELL ME...

DID YOU ACTUALLY
SEE ME SPEEDING?

OH, MA'AM, A WITNESS AIN'T
ALLOWED TO DISCUSS THE CASE

WITH THE PRISONER
HE'S WITNESSIN' AGAINST.

WELL, THANK YOU...
SHERIFF.

OH, I'M NOT THE SHERIFF.

THAT OTHER MAN IS?

YES, MA'AM,
HE'S THE HIGH SHERIFF.

I'M THE DEPUTY.

BUT THAT'S AMAZING.

I CERTAINLY
WOULD HAVE GUESSED

YOU TO BE
THE TOP MAN.

OH, REALLY?

UH, SAY...

WOULD YOU MIND?

[ GASPS ]

OH, GOODNESS,
NOT ONLY ATTRACTIVE,

BUT SO STRONG.

UH, BUT I GUESS

YOU HAVE
TO KEEP IN SHAPE.

YOU MUST FACE PLENTY OF RISKS
BEING A POLICE OFFICER.

YEAH, WELL...

EVERY TIME YOU WALK
OUT THAT DOOR,

DON'T YOU WONDER
IF YOU'RE EVER COMING BACK?

WELL, WE CAN LEARN
TO LIVE WITH DANGER.

WELL, YOUR WIFE MUST SUFFER
SOME ANXIOUS MOMENTS.

I DON'T HAVE A WIFE.

YOU'RE NOT MARRIED?

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
A MAN LIKE YOU

HASN'T BEEN
SNAPPED UP BY NOW.

WELL, I HAVE A GIRL,
THELMA LOU.

JUST, UH, ONE GIRL?

THAT'S ALL.

OH, COME ON, NOW,
A MAN LIKE YOU?

THERE MUST BE
MORE THAN ONE.

WELL...

THERE IS JUANITA
DOWN AT THE DINER.

I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT.

AND PLENTY MORE WHO'D LIKE
TO BE YOUR GIRL, I'LL BET.

PLENTY MORE.

NOT SO MANY AS YOU MIGHT THINK.

I... TRY TO DISCOURAGE 'EM.

BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT THEM
TO BE HURT.

THAT'S RIGHT -- IF THERE'S ONE
THING I DON'T WANT TO DO,

IT'S HURT
A LOT OF WOMEN.

SAY... DO YOU SING?

HMM?

WELL, IT JUST
STRUCK ME...

YOU BEAR AN AMAZING
RESEMBLANCE

TO FRANK SINATRA.

THE SAME MAGNETISM,
THE SAME APPEAL.

NOTICED THAT, DID YOU?

YOU'VE BEEN TOLD THAT BEFORE?

NO, BUT...
I'VE NOTICED IT MYSELF.

FRANKIE AND ME ARE SORT OF BIRDS
OF A FEATHER, YOU MIGHT SAY.

[ CHUCKLING ]

WELL, I'D LIKE TO STAY

AND CHAT WITH YOU
SOME MORE, MA'AM,

BUT I GOT WORK TO DO.

* IT'S A QUARTER TO THREE

* THERE'S NO ONE IN THE PLACE

* EXCEPT YOU AND ME...

AUNT BEE? I JUST HAD
A FEW MINUTES.

I THOUGHT I'D STOP BY
JUST TO SEE

HOW THE CASE
WAS COMING ALONG.

OH, GOOD.

HELLO, THERE.

AUNT BEE, TELL HER
SHE CAN'T TALK TO ME.

I'M A WITNESS
AGAINST HER.

HE CAN'T TALK TO YOU BECAUSE
HE'S A WITNESS AGAINST YOU.

OH, I DON'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT THE CASE.

I'M, UH, INTERESTED
IN HIS PROFESSION.

YOU'RE A BARBER?

UH-HUH. FLOYD'S
TONSORIAL PARLOR.

FLOYD LAWSON,
PROPRIETOR.

I'M FLOYD LAWSON.

HOW FORTUNATE FOR ME.

NOW, I WONDER...

WOULD YOU MIND
COMBING OUT MY HAIR?

[Stuttering] NO-NO-NO,
I COULDN'T...REALLY...

WELL, WHY NOT?

WELL, I'M
A MAN BARBER.

I'VE NEVER COMBED OUT
A WOMAN'S HAIR IN ALL MY LIFE.

NO, I COULDN'T.

OH, OF COURSE YOU COULD.

WHY, MEN MAKE THE BEST
HAIRDRESSERS IN THE WORLD.

IF THEY HAVE THE TOUCH.

AND I'M SURE YOU DO.

I CAN TELL.

SUCH ARTISTIC HANDS.

PLEASE?

OH, NO, NO, NO...

I-I... WELL...

[Chuckling]
WELL...

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

OH, HE DOES HAVE THE TOUCH.

Floyd: THAT'S GOOD,
HUH?
AN ARTIST.

A REAL ARTIST.

THE COURT CALLS
THE FIRST WITNESS,

FLOYD LAWSON,
TO THE STAND.

[ ALL TALKING ]

UH, MISS CROWLEY,

WOULD YOU LIKE TO START
THE QUESTIONING?

YES, PLEASE.
THANK YOU.

MR. LAWSON,

WOULD YOU TELL US,
IN YOUR OWN WORDS,

WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT HAPPENED WHEN?

WHEN THE PRISONER WAS GIVEN
A CITATION FOR SPEEDING.

YOU OUGHT TO KNOW,
YOU WAS THERE.

IT'S NOT YOUR TURN YET,
ANDY!

UH, PROCEED, MISS CROWLEY.

THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.

NOT AT ALL.
NOW, JUST TELL US

EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAW.

WELL, NOW, THAT'S GOING
TO BE KIND OF TOUGH,

'CAUSE IT'S HARD TO SAY
EXACTLY WHAT I SAW,

BUT, YOU SEE, MY GLASSES HAVE
JUST BEEN GIVING ME SO MUCH...

I REALLY SHOULD
HAVE THEM CHECKED.

HAVEN'T THEY,
AUNT BEE?

NO, FLOYD,
SHE'S OVER THERE.

OH, COME ON, FLOYD!

ANDY, PLEASE!

IN OTHER WORDS,
MR. LAWSON,

YOU ARE A MAN
OF INTEGRITY WHO,

IF HE'S NOT SURE
OF WHAT HE SAW,

REFUSES TO BEAR WITNESS
AGAINST A PERSON

WHO MAY BE...
TOTALLY INNOCENT.

OH, Y-YEAH.

OH, I'VE GOT A LOT
OF INTEGRITY THAT WAY.

NO MORE QUESTIONS.

YOUR WITNESS, SHERIFF.

NEVER MIND.

[ ALL TALKING ]

QUIET, QUIET.

QUIET, QUIET!

UH, NEXT WITNESS--
BARNEY FIFE.

[ ALL TALKING ]

MAYOR, I'D LIKE TO QUESTION

THIS WITNESS FIRST,
IF IT'S ALL RIGHT.

UH, IS THAT ALL RIGHT WITH YOU,
MISS CROWLEY?

BARNEY...

YOU'RE, UH, DEPUTY BARNEY FIFE,
THAT RIGHT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

WOULD YOU TELL THE COURT
IN YOUR OWN WORDS

WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY?

WELL, YOU AND ME AND FLOYD
AND OPIE WENT FISHING.

DID YOU SEE A CONVERTIBLE
ON THE ROAD?

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

UH, YEAH.

WAS THE DEFENDANT
DRIVING THAT CONVERTIBLE?

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

YEAH.

HOW FAST WAS IT GOING?

UH, WHEN IT WAS
GOING BY US?

THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, ANDY,
YOU KNOW, UH,

WHEN A CAR'S GOING BY YOU
AND YOU'RE STANDING STILL,

IT'S AWFUL HARD TO TELL
HOW FAST IT'S GOING.

YOU KNOW, YOU AND ME HAVE
TALKED ABOUT THAT A LOT.

HOW FAST WAS THE CAR GOING
WHEN WE OVERTOOK IT?

WELL, ANDY, BY THE TIME
WE GOT TO IT,

IT WAS STOPPED.

BARNEY, HOW FAST
WAS THE CAR GOING

WHEN WE WAS IN FULL PURSUIT
AND YOU WAS LOOKIN'

AT THE SPEEDOMETER,
CLOCKING HER SPEED?

[Quietly] ANDY,
DON'T YOU THINK

WE'RE MAKING A LITTLE BIT
TOO MUCH OUT OF THIS?

WHAT WAS THAT?

WE'RE MAKING
TOO MUCH OUT OF THIS.

YES, I THINK YOU'RE MAKING
TOO MUCH OUT OF THIS.

STEP DOWN.

CALL THE NEXT WITNESS.

THIS 'UN I'M SURE OF.

ALL RIGHT, OPIE TAYLOR,
TAKE THE STAND.

OH, BOY,
THERE GOES OPIE.

QUIET, QUIET.

HI, SON.

HI.

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?

MISS CROWLEY
GAVE IT TO ME.

IT'S AUTOGRAPHED
BY THE NEW YORK YANKEES.

ALL OF 'EM.

SHE GAVE IT TO ME
FOR NOTHIN'!

AIN'T SHE
A NICE LADY?

YEAH.

I KNOW WHEN I'M LICKED.

WILL, UH...

WILL THE PRISONER
STEP FORWARD, PLEASE?

[ ALL TALKING ]

QUIET. QUIET, FOLKS.

WELL, IT SEEMS THE COURT
CAN'T COME UP WITH

A WITNESS AGAINST YOU,
MISS CROWLEY,

SO THEREFORE
THE CASE IS DISMISSED.

YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU, ALL.

DOES MY HAIR...

WELL...

FINE DAY'S WORK.

YOU'VE OUTSMARTED JUSTICE

AND YOU'VE MADE A MOCKERY
OF THIS COURT.

AND YOU'VE TURNED THREE PEOPLE
AGAINST ME

THAT I WOULD'VE SWORN
WOULD NEVER LEAVE MY SIDE.

OH, I CAN UNDERSTAND
A SHINY AUTOGRAPHED BASEBALL

TURNING A LITTLE BOY'S HEAD,

BUT I AM A LITTLE
DISAPPOINTED IN FLOYD...

AND I'M REAL DISAPPOINTED
IN MY DEPUTY.

HE'S A LAW OFFICER
AND HE OUGHT TO KNOW BETTER.

CONGRATULATIONS, MA'AM.

BEEN QUITE A DAY'S WORK.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

YOU'RE ALL SET,
MA'AM.

OH, THANK YOU, DEPUTY.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I GUESS THE SHERIFF
IS PRETTY ANGRY, ISN'T HE?

YEAH, I'D SAY HE IS.

I SUPPOSE
YOU CAN'T BLAME HIM.

NO, MA'AM, YOU CAN'T.

LOOK, I'M SORRY IF I CAUSED
A RIFT BETWEEN YOU TWO.

I DIDN'T MEAN...

MA'AM, IF YOU'RE GOING,
WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST... GO?

[ TIRES SCREECHING ]

ANDY! SHE'S DOING IT AGAIN!

WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU NOTICED.

[ SIREN BLARING ]

YOUNG WOMAN --

I KNOW, I WAS SPEEDING
AND I MUST PAY THE PENALTY.

I GUESS YOU KNOW WHEN
YOU'RE CAUGHT DEAD TO RIGHTS.

YOU AIN'T FOOLIN'
WITH KIDS, YOU KNOW.

LET'S RUN HER IN,
ANDY.

WELL, NOW, THAT MAY NOT
BE NECESSARY, BARNEY.

ANDY, DON'T
YOU GO SOFT.

Andy: NO, I JUST BELIEVE
I KNOW A WAY

THAT WE CAN SAVE US SOME TIME
ALL THE WAY AROUND.

SEE, I HAPPEN TO KNOW

THE JUSTICE OF THE PEACE
PERSONALLY,

AND I BELIEVE I KNOW THE FINE
THAT HE'D IMPOSE,

AND I BELIEVE THAT IT WOULD BE
THE USUAL FINE FOR SPEEDING,

TEN DOLLARS.

HERE YOU ARE, SHERIFF.

TEN DOLLARS.

AND 25 MORE.

25 MORE?

FOR THE OTHER CASE.

BUT THE DEFENDANT
WON THAT CASE.

BY HIGHLY QUESTIONABLE METHODS.

PLEASE?

I'D FEEL A LOT BETTER
ABOUT MYSELF.

WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME
A-SAYIN' SO,

I FEEL A LOT BETTER
ABOUT YOU, TOO,

AND I'D BE MIGHTY PLEASED
IF YOU'D

COME THROUGH MAYBERRY
AGAIN SOMETIME.

A LITTLE SLOWER, OF COURSE.

I'LL TRY TO DO THAT.

REAL SOON.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DEPUTY?

I STILL SAY YOU BEAR AN AMAZING
RESEMBLANCE TO FRANK SINATRA.

YOU KNOW, ANDY,

THERE'S ONE THING YOU'VE GOT TO
SAY ABOUT THIS CASE --

IT WAS A GAS.

[ LAUGHING ]

WHAT ARE YOU
LAUGHING AT?

OH, SOMETHING
MISS CROWLEY SAID.

WHAT?

OH, NOTHING.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WELL...SEE IF
YOU CAN GUESS.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

* QUARTER TO 3:00

* THERE'S NO ONE
IN THE PLACE *

* EXCEPT YOU AND ME

OH, OH, YEAH,
THAT'S, UH, UH, UH...

UH, OH, WAIT A SEC,
OH, UH, YEAH, YEAH,

UH, OH, OH, UH,
I DON'T KNOW THE SONG.