The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 2, Episode 28 - The Bookie Barber - full transcript
Floyd the barber is overworked so when Bill Medwin walks into the shop looking for a job, he sees an opportunity. Andy encourages him to hire Medwin and accomplish his dream of having a two chair shop. He does and is amazed with an even greater increase in business, now from 'out-of-towners'. Andy becomes suspicious when he sees the same men going in to the shop everyday but it's information from the town's telephone exchange operator that makes him realize exactly what is going on: Bill Medwin is a bookie and the men who visit him are delivering the days collections from various betting offices. Barney decides to go undercover dressed as an old lady to get the goods on the criminals.
AUNT BEE,
IT'S TOO SOON.
WE'LL LET
YOUR FATHER DECIDE.
AUNT BEE,
LET'S TALK
THIS THING OVER.
NO, WE WON'T.
WE'LL TALK
WITH YOUR FATHER.
WHAT ARE YOU ALL
ARGUING ABOUT?
HE NEEDS A HAIRCUT
AND HE'S TRYING TO TALK
HIS WAY OUT OF IT.
I DON'T NEED A HAIRCUT, PAW.
HONESTLY, I DON'T.
HOW CAN YOU TELL?
I CAN STILL SEE.
OH, YOU MEAN WHEN YOUR HAIR
GROWS DOWN OVER YOUR EYES...
THAT'S WHEN
I CAN TELL
I NEED A HAIRCUT.
WELL, THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD WAY.
AND THERE'S ONE OTHER WAY, TOO.
WHAT WAY
IS THAT?
WHEN YOUR AUNT BEE TELLS YOU.
THANK YOU,
ANDY.
AND YOU
COME HOME
RIGHT AFTER
THE BARBER SHOP, HEAR?
PAW, I DON'T
WANT A HAIRCUT.
THOSE LITTLE
HAIRS GET DOWN
INSIDE MY SHIRT
AND THEY ITCH.
TAKE A BATH
AND WASH 'EM OFF.
A BATH!
I HAVE TO TAKE A BATH, TOO?
THAT'S
RIGHT.
THIS IS TURNIN' OUT
WORSE THAN I THOUGHT.
OH, IT AIN'T SO BAD.
COME ON, LET'S GO
OVER TO FLOYD'S.
A HAIRCUT AND
A BATH IN ONE DAY.
PAW.
HMM?
WHAT AM I BEING
PUNISHED FOR?
DON'T RUSH
IT, FLOYD,
DON'T RUSH IT.
UH, WELL,
I'M SO
BUSY I...
THEY'RE JUST
COMIN' IN
AND, UH,
EVERYTHING.
WHAT DO YOU
MEAN "RUSH"?
I DON'T WANT
THE FAST TREATMENT.
THIS IS
JUST A HAIRCUT
IT ISN'T A
BRAIN OPERATION.
MY HEAD FEELS
LIKE ONE
WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH.
(phone rings)
DON'T YOU...
OH, GORDON,
JUST TWO AHEAD OF YOU.
SIT DOWN.
HELLO, UH, ED, ED.
NO, NO, DON'T
COME OVER NOW.
JUST MAKE IT LATER
IN THE DAY, ED.
YES, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, BARNEY,
YOU'RE DONE.
NEXT!
BOY, OH, BOY.
JUST ONCE I'D LIKE TO HAVE
THEM SIDEBURNS COME OUT EVEN.
Floyd:
HMM?
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW, LOOK AT THAT.
ONE INCH
FROM THE LOBE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
ONE OF THEM
SIDEBURNS IS SHORT.
WELL, MAYBE
THAT'S BECAUSE
ONE OF YOUR
LOBES IS LONGER
THAN THE OTHER.
Andy:
HI, FLOYD.
HOWDY, BOYS.
WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU'S THIS BUSY.
IT'S JUST
A MADHOUSE, ANDY.
WELL, I CAN
COME BACK
SOME OTHER TIME.
WHOA!
COME BACK HERE.
YOU GOT TIME
TO TAKE THE BOY?
WELL, SURE, SURE,
IF YOU DON'T
MIND WAITING.
REALLY
WORKIN'
YOU, HUH?
OH, LISTEN, IF
I KEEP THIS UP
I'M LIABLE TO
END UP WITH A
BARBER'S CLAW
FROM HOLDING
THE SHEARS
ALL DAY.
HERE, FLOYD,
GO BUY
YOURSELF
A BOOK ON
SIDEBURNS,
WILL YOU?
I'LL PICK
YOU UP LATER.
OH, ALL RIGHT, OPIE.
COME ON, OVER THERE.
SIT DOWN, BOY.
THAT'S GOOD.
NOW, NEXT!
OH.
ANDY.
HMM?
LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK AT WHAT?
CAN'T YOU SEE?
THEY AIN'T EVEN.
I'LL BE DOGGED,
YOU'RE RIGHT.
DOGGONE, I KNEW IT.
I TOLD HIM!
ONE EAR IS LONGER
THAN THE OTHER.
YOU'RE ALMOST AS FUNNY
AS FLOYD, YOU KNOW THAT?
WHY DON'T YOU TWO TEAM UP--
CALL YOURSELVES FRICK AND FRACK?
ALMOST DONE, MR. FLOYD?
ALMOST.
YOU DON'T LIKE
GETTING A HAIRCUT, DO YOU?
SURE DON'T.
YOU JUST WAIT
TILL THE WARM
WEATHER STARTS--
I'LL GIVE YOU
A GOOD SCALPING.
IT'LL LAST A LONG TIME.
(laughs)
HOWDY.
BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
I DON'T WANT A HAIRCUT.
I'D JUST LIKE
TO TALK TO YOU.
HI, SONNY.
HI.
OH, YEAH?
YEAH, I'D LIKE
TO INTRODUCE
MYSELF.
MY NAME
IS MEDWIN,
BILL MEDWIN.
HOWDY DO,
MR. MEDWIN?
I'M FLOYD LAWSON.
OH, THIS IS
OPIE TAYLOR.
WELL, OPIE,
THAT'S A NICE NAME.
MR. LAWSON, I JUST GOT INTO TOWN
AND I HAPPEN
TO BE A BARBER MYSELF
AND I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU'D BE INTERESTED
IN PUTTIN' ON ANOTHER MAN.
PUTTIN' ON A MAN... YOU MEAN...
RIGHT HERE,
I SUP...
YEAH.
WELL, I DON'T...
WELL, I'VE NEVER HAD
ANYTHING LIKE...
BECAUSE WHAT DO YOU DO...
IT ISN'T THAT
I WOULDN'T WANT TO.
FLOYD, IS OPIE READY?
Floyd:
HI, ANDY.
MR. MEDWIN,
THIS IS
SHERIFF TAYLOR.
HI, SHERIFF.
MR. MEDWIN,
HOW ARE YOU?
MR. MEDWIN'S
NEW IN TOWN.
HE WANTS TO COME
WORK FOR ME.
THAT RIGHT?
YEAH, I WAS
TELLIN' HIM
AS YOU COME IN,
I SAID...
WELL, I NEVER...
HAD ANYTHING
LIKE THIS.
YOU KNOW,
JUST... BUT...
THE BUSINESS...
I'VE BEEN SO
BUSY ALL DAY
AND EVERYTHING.
ISN'T THAT
WHAT I SAID?
ROUGHLY.
YOU SEE, UM, I'VE BEEN WORKIN'
FOR MANY YEARS NOW
IN THE BIG CITY
AND, WELL, NOW I'M
KINDA, LIKE, SEMI-RETIRED.
AND I'VE BEEN
THINKIN' FOR
A LONG TIME
THAT WHAT I'D
LIKE TO DO IS
SETTLE DOWN
IN A NICE,
WARM, FRIENDLY
LITTLE TOWN
WHERE THE
PACE IS EASY
AND THERE'S
NO PRESSURE.
AND I THOUGHT
I'D LET A FEW
OF MY OLD
CUSTOMERS
KNOW WHERE I AM.
I'M SURE THEY
WOULDN'T MIND
DRIVIN' A
FEW MILES TO
PATRONIZE ME.
SOMETHIN'
TO THINK
ABOUT, FLOYD.
THE WAY THEY
BEEN WORKIN' YOU
YOU COULD USE
ANOTHER MAN.
I WOULDN'T
EVEN WANT
ANY SALARY.
I'D JUST
WORK ON
COMMISSIONS
AND FURNISH
MY OWN
CUSTOMERS.
WELL, NOW, YOU COULDN'T
BE FAIRER THAN THAT.
Medwin:
I'D EVEN
BRING IN
MY OWN
EQUIPMENT
AND YOU'D HAVE
A TWO-CHAIR SHOP.
I'M SURE
THE TOWN
COULD USE IT.
LOOK OUT, NOW,
A TWO-CHAIR SHOP.
NOW, THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED, FLOYD.
YEAH, A TWO-CHAIR...
YEAH.
YOU COULD
PUT A SIGN
IN THE WINDA
SAYIN',
"TWO CHAIRS,
NO WAITIN'."
YEAH, UH,
GEE...
TWO-CHAIR.
AND I GOT THE MAGAZINES
TO SWING IT.
MR. MEDWIN--
HE'LL BE BRINGIN' IN
HIS OWN CUSTOMERS.
THAT'S
RIGHT, I...
YOU REALLY
GOT NOTHIN' TO LOSE.
Andy:
SOUNDS LIKE
A GOOD
DEAL, FLOYD.
A TWO-CHAIR... YEAH...
ALL RIGHT.
(loudly):
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL DO IT!
GOOD, GOOD,
GOOD, GOOD.
I'LL JUST
GO CHECK
INTO THE HOTEL
AND THEN
I'LL CALL THE
BARBER SUPPLY
AND HAVE 'EM
BRING ANOTHER
CHAIR IN HERE
AND THEN I'LL
GET BUSY ON
THE PHONE
AND START
CALLIN' MY
OWN CUSTOMERS.
FINE.
OH, YOU WON'T
REGRET THIS,
MR. LAWSON.
NICE TO MEET
YOU, SHERIFF.
NICE TO MEET
YOU, MR. MEDWIN.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
GEE.
WELL.
FLOYD, YOU'RE
FINALLY EXPANDING.
YEAH... G...
AT LAST.
(chuckles)
FLOYD LAWSON, PROPRIETOR
OF A TWO-CHAIR BARBERSHOP.
MY, I HAVE TO SIT...
OH! OH! SORRY.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
YOU WANT TO GET THAT
LITTLE PIKE'S PEAK BACK THERE?
EXCUSE ME.
WELCOME TO FLOYD'S
BARBERSHOP.
IS BILL IN?
INSIDE.
THANKS.
WELL, FLOYD,
HOW'S THE NEW BARBER?
FINE, FINE, FINE.
FIRST MORNIN'
AND ALREADY,
TWO OF
HIS CUSTOMERS CAME IN
AND A THIRD
ONE'S ON THE WAY.
IS THAT RIGHT?
YEP.
AND THEY AIN'T
ALL JUST HAIRCUTS.
SHAMPOOS, TOO.
SHAMPOOS?
WHAT'S HE CHARGE
FOR THAT?
80 CENTS.
80 CENTS?
JUST TO WASH YOUR HEAD?
HATE TO HAVE HIM
GIVE ME A BATH.
WELL, HIS CUSTOMERS
CAN AFFORD IT.
UH, IF YOU THINK
THAT'S SOMETHING
HE DOES SOMETHING
THAT THEY CALL A FACIAL.
IT'S SUPPOSED
TO IMPROVE YOUR FACE.
$1.50.
$1.50?
MM-HMM.
(door shuts)
EVERYTHING
ALL RIGHT?
FINE.
THANK YOU.
CALL AGAIN.
THAT'S THE FACIAL.
I'D HATE TO SEE
WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE
WHEN HE WENT IN.
(cash register dings)
HEAR THAT?
HE'S PLAYING MY SONG.
(car door shuts)
SMART-LOOKING
CLIENTELE, HUH?
I THINK HE'S A DOCTOR.
YEAH.
I'M GLAD YOU TALKED ME
INTO THIS, ANDY.
(register dings)
WAIT A MINUTE, BARN.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
THEM FELLAS GOIN'
IN THE BARBERSHOP.
WHAT ABOUT 'EM?
AIN'T THEY THE
SAME THREE FELLAS
WE SAW GOIN'
IN THERE YESTERDAY
ABOUT THIS TIME?
YEAH, NOW THAT
YOU MENTION IT
THEY DO LOOK FAMILIAR.
YEAH.
DON'T THAT SEEM
STRANGE TO YOU--
A CUSTOMER GOIN' BACK
TO THE BARBERSHOP
THE VERY NEXT DAY?
NO.
NO?
NO, DIDN'T YOU EVER HEAR
OF A PERSON WITH
A "COMPELSION" COMPLEX?
A WHAT?
A "COMPELSION" COMPLEX--
LIKE WHEN FOLKS GOTTA WARSH
THEIR HANDS ALL DAY--
THAT'S A HAND-WARSHIN'
"COMPELSION."
WHAT YOU'RE
LOOKIN' AT THERE--
THAT'S A CASE
OF HAIR-CUTTIN' "COMPELSION."
ALL THREE OF 'EM?
ALL THREE OF 'EM
GOT THE "COMPELSION."
LISTEN, YOU FIND
"COMPELSION"
NUTS ALL OVER.
OKAY, LET'S HAVE IT.
HERE YOU ARE:
THE BETTING SLIPS
AND THE
COMPLETE TAKE
FROM EVERY BOOKIE
IN MY DISTRICT.
GOOD, HOW
'BOUT YOU BOYS?
WE GOT 100% COLLECTION, TOO.
LADYBUG AT HIALEAH
DID REAL GOOD.
BILL, HOW LONG
YOU GONNA HIDE OUT?
WHY NOT BRING
THE OPERATION
BACK TO THE CITY?
YOU KIDDIN'?
AS LONG AS
THE HEAT'S ON
WE'RE GONNA STAY.
WHAT'S THE HURRY?
YOU CAN'T PLACE
HORSE BETS BACK HOME.
MIGHT'S WELL STAY
HOLED UP RIGHT HERE.
SURE, WHAT COULD BE SWEETER...
A DOPEY BARBER FOR A FRONT MAN
THE ONLY LAW IN TOWN
IS A COUNTRY-BOY SHERIFF
WHO'S THE BARBER'S PAL?
PRETTY HARD TO MATCH
A PARLAY LIKE THAT.
HEY, WATCH IT.
YOU GOT ANY FOOD
FOR AN EMPTY LAWMAN?
BE READY IN JUST A MINUTE.
GOOD.
BURN YOURSELF?
UNH-UNH.
OH, IT LOOKS GOOD.
I WALKED PAST
FLOYD'S BARBER SHOP TODAY.
IT CERTAINLY
IS A BUSY PLACE.
YEAH, THAT NEW BARBER'S
PRETTY GOOD.
HE OUGHT TO BE
PRETTY POPULAR
WITH THE MEN IN TOWN.
WELL, NOT JUST
WITH THE MEN.
HOW'S THAT?
SARAH TELLS ME
HE'S PRETTY POPULAR
WITH THE LADIES.
SARAH OVER AT
THE SWITCHBOARD?
UH-HUH, YOU KNOW, SHE DOESN'T
TALK MUCH ABOUT PEOPLE.
SHE JUST HAPPENED
TO OVERHEAR
SOME OF HIS PHONE CALLS.
DO YOU KNOW HE'S
GOT GIRLFRIENDS
ALL THE WAY FROM HERE
TO MOREHEAD CITY?
IS IT RIGHT FOR SARAH
TO LISTEN TO HIS CALLS?
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
AND BEFORE SHE SAID ONE WORD
I TOLD HER STRAIGHT OUT
SHE SHOULDN'T DO IT.
GOSSIPING IS VERY RUDE.
GOOD FOR YOU, AUNT BEE.
AND I'M NOT ONE TO CARRY TALES
ABOUT PEOPLE, EITHER.
WELL, DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR
WHAT SHE SAID?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU
WASN'T GOSSIPING WITH HER.
WELL, I WASN'T GOSSIPING.
SHE WAS GOSSIPING.
I WAS JUST LISTENING.
OH, OH, YOU WERE
JUST LISTENING, OH.
WELL, I COULDN'T
WALK AWAY.
THAT WOULD BE RUDE.
OH, I SEE,
IT WOULD BE RUDER
TO BE RUDE
THAN TO BE GOSSIPING.
WELL, SARAH KNOWS
THAT ANYTHING SHE TELLS ME
DOESN'T GO ONE BIT FURTHER.
GOOD FOR YOU AGAIN, AUNT BEE.
WELL, DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR
WHAT SHE SAID?
DON'T I WANT TO HEAR THE THING
THAT WOULDN'T GO ANY FURTHER?
UH, NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
I'M FIXIN' TO EAT.
GO AHEAD AND TELL ME
BEFORE YOU BUST.
WELL, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT KIND
OF GIRLS THEY ARE
BUT FROM THEIR NAMES
THEY SOUND LIKE
CHORUS GIRLS OR SUCH.
TIGER LIL, BROWN-EYED MARY,
LINDY LOU...
THEY ARE KIND OF STRANGE NAMES
FOR A FACT.
AND THEY STAY UP LATE, TOO.
SOMETHING SARAH SAID
ABOUT TIGER LIL
NOT COMING HOME
UNTIL TEN TO ONE.
AND BROWN-EYED MARY
NOT TILL EIGHT TO FIVE.
ODD TIME.
AND THAT'S
NOT THE WORST.
LINDY LOU DIDN'T SHOW AT ALL.
SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO HIS
PLACE AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN SHOW.
SHE DIDN'T SHOW, HUH?
PLACE AND SHOW...
I BETTER HAVE A LITTLE TALK
WITH SARAH.
WELL, I DIDN'T
KNOW
YOU LIKED GOSSIP.
MAYBE JUST THIS ONCE.
HEY, SARAH, SHERIFF TAYLOR.
LISTEN, SARAH,
MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME SOMETHING.
WHAT IS IT, ANDY?
I GOT YOUR CALL AT THE DINER
AND I CAME OVER AS
FAST AS I COULD MAKE IT.
WELL, IT AIN'T
ALL THAT URGENT
BUT WE DO HAVE A KIND
OF A NASTY SITUATION HERE.
WE DO? NASTY,
IN MAYBERRY?
SEE IF I GOT MY BULLET.
WELL, IT SEEMS THAT
FLOYD'S BARBER SHOP'S
BEING USED AS A FRONT
FOR GAMBLING.
GAMBLING?
THAT'S RIGHT.
BOOKMAKING, HORSE RACING
BETS AND EVERYTHING.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.
IN FLOYD'S BARBER SHOP?
THAT'S RIGHT.
HEY, DO YOU THINK IT'S...
THAT'S RIGHT--
HIS NEW PARTNER.
SHAMPOO KING, HUH?
EXPLAINS
EVERYTHING, TOO.
PHONE CALLS,
THE OUT-OF-TOWN CUSTOMERS,
THEM SAME THREE FELLAS
KEEP COMING IN.
THEY PROBABLY WORK FOR HIM
PICKING UP THE BETS
AND THE WINNINGS.
WE CAN'T
JUST STAND HERE.
LET'S GO GET HIM.
WE'LL ROPE OFF THE BLOCK,
GET SOME TEAR GAS...
NO, BARNEY, THAT WON'T WORK.
THEY'LL JUST HIDE THE EVIDENCE
AND PLAY INNOCENT.
OH... OH.
WELL, WHAT
DO YOU SUGGEST?
WELL, WE GOT TO CATCH
THEM AT IT RED-HANDED,
GET THE EVIDENCE
ON THEM, YOU KNOW.
CATCH THEM WITH THEM
LITTLE BLACK BAGS.
WELL, HOW'RE WE
GONNA DO THAT?
DON'T RIGHTLY KNOW.
WE COULD USE A PLANT.
YOU KNOW, SEND SOMEBODY
IN TO PLACE A BET.
THE MINUTE THEY TAKE
IT, WHY, WE'D GRAB THEM.
YEAH...
HOW ABOUT ME?
WELL, THEY NEVER
SEEN ME BEFORE.
A DEPUTY SHERIFF?
WELL, NOT IN THESE CLOTHES,
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES.
OH, NO, BARNEY.
IT'S GOT TO BE SOMEBODY
THEY WOULDN'T SUSPECT AT ALL.
YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY THEY WOULDN'T
IN ANY WAY BE AFRAID OF.
YEAH, YEAH, A TYPICAL CITIZEN.
HEY, WHAT ABOUT EMMA WATSON?
EMMA WATSON?
SURE, I'M ALL
THE TIME READING
ABOUT THESE LITTLE OLD
LADIES THAT BET ON RACES.
THEY'D NEVER SUSPECT
SWEET OLD EMMA WATSON.
BARNEY, YOU CAN'T
ASK EMMA WATSON
TO DO A THING LIKE THAT.
WELL, WHY NOT?
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T
ASK A PRIVATE CITIZEN
TO BE A POLICE SPY.
SOMETHING MIGHT GO WRONG,
MIGHT GET HURT.
WELL, WHAT ARE
WE GONNA DO--
JUST SIT AROUND
AND WATCH OUR TOWN
BECOME THE GAMBLING
CENTER OF THE COUNTRY?
COME TO MAYBERRY, FOLKS,
GATEWAY TO MONTE CARLO.
BARNEY...
WHY, ONCE
THE WORD GETS OUT
THEY'LL BE SWARMIN'
IN HERE
WITH THEIR HORN HONKIN'
AND THEIR JAYWALKIN'...
NOW, BARNEY, WE'LL
GET THEM FELLAS.
WE JUST GOT TO FIGURE
OUT THE BEST WAY.
NOW, I GOT TO GO
TO STUART SIMMONS'S
AND I'LL BE BACK
AFTER A WHILE
AND THEN WE'LL
FIGURE OUT SOMETHING.
WELL, I STILL THINK
EMMA WATSON'S A GOOD IDEA.
WE SEND HER INTO
THE BARBER SHOP...
NO, BARNEY, NO.
NOW, JUST,
JUST CALM DOWN
AND WHEN I GET BACK,
WE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.
IT IS, TOO, JOEY.
IT IS NOT--
YOU'RE CRAZY.
I'LL BETCHA THAT'S BARNEY.
BARNEY?
IT IS BARNEY.
SEE, JOEY?
WHATCHA DOIN', BARNEY--
TRICK OR TREAT?
YOU SURE DO LOOK
FUNNY, BARNEY.
HE LOOKS LIKE MRS. COX
IN THE SECOND GRADE, DON'T HE?
BEAT IT, WILL YOU?
I'M PLAYING A TRICK ON SOMEBODY
AND I WANT TO SURPRISE THEM.
NOW, GO ON, GET OUT OF HERE.
GO ON!
HE SURE DOES
LOOK GOOFY.
DID YOU SEE
THAT HAT?
SAY, BILL,
WHERE'S THE DOPE
WHO RUNS THIS PLACE?
HE WENT HOME
FOR LUNCH,
BUT LET'S WORK
FAST, COME ON.
WATCH IT, HERE
COMES SOMEBODY.
(in falsetto):
HELLO, BOYS.
FLOYD ISN'T
HERE, IS HE?
UH, NO.
GOOD, BECAUSE YOU'RE THE
GENTLEMAN I REALLY WANT TO SEE.
ME?
MM-HMM, AND YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE I WANT TO PLACE A BET
ON A HORSE.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
YOU CAN DO THAT HERE?
OH, IT GETS AROUND,
BUT DON'T WORRY.
YOU BOYS ARE ABSOLUTELY
SAFE WITH ME.
NOW, WHAT I WANT TO DO
IS TO PUT THIS
RIGHT ON THE HORSEY'S NOSE.
NOW, WE HAVE TO DO THIS FAST
BECAUSE IF MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
SHOULD FIND OUT
SHE'D JUST HAVE A FIT.
I HAVE THIS DAUGHTER-IN-LAW,
SHE'S JUST A BEAST.
A BEAST IS WHAT SHE IS.
SHE WON'T LET ME GAMBLE,
SHE WON'T LET ME DO ANYTHING.
YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE TO SNEAK
DOWN TO THE GAS STATION
TO TAKE A PINCH OF SNUFF?
IS THAT, UH, SO?
UH, YEAH...
YEAH, YES.
A BEAST IS
WHAT SHE IS.
SHE'S JUST A BEAST.
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE SHE MARRIED
LATE IN LIFE
AND THEN SHE HAD THIS
SKIN CONDITION, YOU KNOW
THAT LASTED WELL INTO HER 30s.
IT'S MADE HER BITTER.
BUT I SAY, LIVE AND
LET LIVE IS WHAT I SAY.
I MEAN,
WHAT'S THE HARM
IN PLACING
A LITTLE BET?
THAT'S WHAT
I ALWAYS SAY.
NOW, UH, HERE'S MY TWO DOLLARS.
NOW, UH, GIVE ME
ONE OF THEM LITTLE SLIPS.
OH, IS THAT WHERE YOU KEEP THE
NAMES OF THE HORSES AND THINGS?
STOP IT! STOP IT!
HE AIN'T HERE, JOEY.
WHERE DO YOU
THINK HE WENT?
I DON'T KNOW.
OH, HI, WHATCHA
DOIN', BOYS?
LOOKIN' FOR BARNEY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT
WITH BARNEY?
WE WANT TO TEASE HIM.
HE SURE LOOKS FUNNY.
WHAT'S HE LOOK LIKE?
LIKE AN OLD LADY.
LIKE MRS. COX
IN THE SECOND GRADE.
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
BARNEY'S DRESSED
LIKE A LITTLE OLD LADY.
SAID HE WAS GONNA
FOOL SOMEBODY.
HEY, MAYBE YOU BETTER
WAIT IN THERE.
I'LL FIND BARNEY.
LET GO OF ME!
WHOA, WHOA, LADY...
ALL RIGHT, TURN HIM LOOSE.
BOY, TALK ABOUT CATCHIN'
THEM RED-HANDED.
YOU REALLY DID
A FINE JOB, BARN.
WELL...
(in falsetto):
DON'T TELL MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.
I SURE AM GLAD WE GOT
MEDWIN AND HIS BOYS
EXTRADITED TO WHERE
THEY WAS WANTED.
YEAH, GOOD RIDDANCE,
I'D SAY.
GETTING RID OF HIM IN A HURRY,
AT LEAST FLOYD NEVER HAD
TO KNOW THE AWFUL TRUTH
THAT HE WAS TEAMED UP
WITH A BOOKMAKER.
YES, LET'S HOPE HE NEVER
HAS TO FIND OUT.
HI, FLOYD,
HOW'S EVERYTHING?
OH, THERE YOU ARE.
OH, BOY, HAVE I GOT
NEWS FOR YOU!
WHAT SORT OF NEWS?
MEDWIN, HE WAS
WORKING HERE FOR ME,
WELL, HE'S GONE!
HE'S OUT.
HE HASN'T CALLED IN.
HE HASN'T CHECKED IN.
HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING.
IS THAT RIGHT?
YOU KNOW THOSE
PHONE CALLS OF HIS?
I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING --
THEY WEREN'T JUST
ORDINARY PHONE CALLS.
THEY WEREN'T?
NO, OF COURSE!
OH, I MUST HAVE BEEN BLIND.
HOW COULD I BELIEVE
THAT THERE WERE
CUSTOMERS
MAKING RESERVATIONS?
HOW COULD I BE
SO STUPID?
WELL, FLOYD,
AS A MATTER OF FACT --
NO, OF COURSE THEY WEREN'T
ANYTHING OF THE SORT!
OH, I ADMIT THAT HE
HAD ME FOOLED.
BUT NOW I KNOW
WHAT HE WAS UP TO.
WELL...
THOSE PHONE CALLS
WERE FROM GIRLFRIENDS.
YES.
I'VE JUST HAD A MESSAGE
THAT APPLE DUMPLING
IS COMING IN AT 10 TO ONE.
OF COURSE, SHE DOESN'T KNOW
THAT HE WON'T BE HERE,
SO I'M GOING TO
TAKE HER OUT MYSELF.
IT'S TOO SOON.
WE'LL LET
YOUR FATHER DECIDE.
AUNT BEE,
LET'S TALK
THIS THING OVER.
NO, WE WON'T.
WE'LL TALK
WITH YOUR FATHER.
WHAT ARE YOU ALL
ARGUING ABOUT?
HE NEEDS A HAIRCUT
AND HE'S TRYING TO TALK
HIS WAY OUT OF IT.
I DON'T NEED A HAIRCUT, PAW.
HONESTLY, I DON'T.
HOW CAN YOU TELL?
I CAN STILL SEE.
OH, YOU MEAN WHEN YOUR HAIR
GROWS DOWN OVER YOUR EYES...
THAT'S WHEN
I CAN TELL
I NEED A HAIRCUT.
WELL, THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD WAY.
AND THERE'S ONE OTHER WAY, TOO.
WHAT WAY
IS THAT?
WHEN YOUR AUNT BEE TELLS YOU.
THANK YOU,
ANDY.
AND YOU
COME HOME
RIGHT AFTER
THE BARBER SHOP, HEAR?
PAW, I DON'T
WANT A HAIRCUT.
THOSE LITTLE
HAIRS GET DOWN
INSIDE MY SHIRT
AND THEY ITCH.
TAKE A BATH
AND WASH 'EM OFF.
A BATH!
I HAVE TO TAKE A BATH, TOO?
THAT'S
RIGHT.
THIS IS TURNIN' OUT
WORSE THAN I THOUGHT.
OH, IT AIN'T SO BAD.
COME ON, LET'S GO
OVER TO FLOYD'S.
A HAIRCUT AND
A BATH IN ONE DAY.
PAW.
HMM?
WHAT AM I BEING
PUNISHED FOR?
DON'T RUSH
IT, FLOYD,
DON'T RUSH IT.
UH, WELL,
I'M SO
BUSY I...
THEY'RE JUST
COMIN' IN
AND, UH,
EVERYTHING.
WHAT DO YOU
MEAN "RUSH"?
I DON'T WANT
THE FAST TREATMENT.
THIS IS
JUST A HAIRCUT
IT ISN'T A
BRAIN OPERATION.
MY HEAD FEELS
LIKE ONE
WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH.
(phone rings)
DON'T YOU...
OH, GORDON,
JUST TWO AHEAD OF YOU.
SIT DOWN.
HELLO, UH, ED, ED.
NO, NO, DON'T
COME OVER NOW.
JUST MAKE IT LATER
IN THE DAY, ED.
YES, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, BARNEY,
YOU'RE DONE.
NEXT!
BOY, OH, BOY.
JUST ONCE I'D LIKE TO HAVE
THEM SIDEBURNS COME OUT EVEN.
Floyd:
HMM?
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW, LOOK AT THAT.
ONE INCH
FROM THE LOBE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
ONE OF THEM
SIDEBURNS IS SHORT.
WELL, MAYBE
THAT'S BECAUSE
ONE OF YOUR
LOBES IS LONGER
THAN THE OTHER.
Andy:
HI, FLOYD.
HOWDY, BOYS.
WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU'S THIS BUSY.
IT'S JUST
A MADHOUSE, ANDY.
WELL, I CAN
COME BACK
SOME OTHER TIME.
WHOA!
COME BACK HERE.
YOU GOT TIME
TO TAKE THE BOY?
WELL, SURE, SURE,
IF YOU DON'T
MIND WAITING.
REALLY
WORKIN'
YOU, HUH?
OH, LISTEN, IF
I KEEP THIS UP
I'M LIABLE TO
END UP WITH A
BARBER'S CLAW
FROM HOLDING
THE SHEARS
ALL DAY.
HERE, FLOYD,
GO BUY
YOURSELF
A BOOK ON
SIDEBURNS,
WILL YOU?
I'LL PICK
YOU UP LATER.
OH, ALL RIGHT, OPIE.
COME ON, OVER THERE.
SIT DOWN, BOY.
THAT'S GOOD.
NOW, NEXT!
OH.
ANDY.
HMM?
LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK AT WHAT?
CAN'T YOU SEE?
THEY AIN'T EVEN.
I'LL BE DOGGED,
YOU'RE RIGHT.
DOGGONE, I KNEW IT.
I TOLD HIM!
ONE EAR IS LONGER
THAN THE OTHER.
YOU'RE ALMOST AS FUNNY
AS FLOYD, YOU KNOW THAT?
WHY DON'T YOU TWO TEAM UP--
CALL YOURSELVES FRICK AND FRACK?
ALMOST DONE, MR. FLOYD?
ALMOST.
YOU DON'T LIKE
GETTING A HAIRCUT, DO YOU?
SURE DON'T.
YOU JUST WAIT
TILL THE WARM
WEATHER STARTS--
I'LL GIVE YOU
A GOOD SCALPING.
IT'LL LAST A LONG TIME.
(laughs)
HOWDY.
BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
I DON'T WANT A HAIRCUT.
I'D JUST LIKE
TO TALK TO YOU.
HI, SONNY.
HI.
OH, YEAH?
YEAH, I'D LIKE
TO INTRODUCE
MYSELF.
MY NAME
IS MEDWIN,
BILL MEDWIN.
HOWDY DO,
MR. MEDWIN?
I'M FLOYD LAWSON.
OH, THIS IS
OPIE TAYLOR.
WELL, OPIE,
THAT'S A NICE NAME.
MR. LAWSON, I JUST GOT INTO TOWN
AND I HAPPEN
TO BE A BARBER MYSELF
AND I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU'D BE INTERESTED
IN PUTTIN' ON ANOTHER MAN.
PUTTIN' ON A MAN... YOU MEAN...
RIGHT HERE,
I SUP...
YEAH.
WELL, I DON'T...
WELL, I'VE NEVER HAD
ANYTHING LIKE...
BECAUSE WHAT DO YOU DO...
IT ISN'T THAT
I WOULDN'T WANT TO.
FLOYD, IS OPIE READY?
Floyd:
HI, ANDY.
MR. MEDWIN,
THIS IS
SHERIFF TAYLOR.
HI, SHERIFF.
MR. MEDWIN,
HOW ARE YOU?
MR. MEDWIN'S
NEW IN TOWN.
HE WANTS TO COME
WORK FOR ME.
THAT RIGHT?
YEAH, I WAS
TELLIN' HIM
AS YOU COME IN,
I SAID...
WELL, I NEVER...
HAD ANYTHING
LIKE THIS.
YOU KNOW,
JUST... BUT...
THE BUSINESS...
I'VE BEEN SO
BUSY ALL DAY
AND EVERYTHING.
ISN'T THAT
WHAT I SAID?
ROUGHLY.
YOU SEE, UM, I'VE BEEN WORKIN'
FOR MANY YEARS NOW
IN THE BIG CITY
AND, WELL, NOW I'M
KINDA, LIKE, SEMI-RETIRED.
AND I'VE BEEN
THINKIN' FOR
A LONG TIME
THAT WHAT I'D
LIKE TO DO IS
SETTLE DOWN
IN A NICE,
WARM, FRIENDLY
LITTLE TOWN
WHERE THE
PACE IS EASY
AND THERE'S
NO PRESSURE.
AND I THOUGHT
I'D LET A FEW
OF MY OLD
CUSTOMERS
KNOW WHERE I AM.
I'M SURE THEY
WOULDN'T MIND
DRIVIN' A
FEW MILES TO
PATRONIZE ME.
SOMETHIN'
TO THINK
ABOUT, FLOYD.
THE WAY THEY
BEEN WORKIN' YOU
YOU COULD USE
ANOTHER MAN.
I WOULDN'T
EVEN WANT
ANY SALARY.
I'D JUST
WORK ON
COMMISSIONS
AND FURNISH
MY OWN
CUSTOMERS.
WELL, NOW, YOU COULDN'T
BE FAIRER THAN THAT.
Medwin:
I'D EVEN
BRING IN
MY OWN
EQUIPMENT
AND YOU'D HAVE
A TWO-CHAIR SHOP.
I'M SURE
THE TOWN
COULD USE IT.
LOOK OUT, NOW,
A TWO-CHAIR SHOP.
NOW, THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED, FLOYD.
YEAH, A TWO-CHAIR...
YEAH.
YOU COULD
PUT A SIGN
IN THE WINDA
SAYIN',
"TWO CHAIRS,
NO WAITIN'."
YEAH, UH,
GEE...
TWO-CHAIR.
AND I GOT THE MAGAZINES
TO SWING IT.
MR. MEDWIN--
HE'LL BE BRINGIN' IN
HIS OWN CUSTOMERS.
THAT'S
RIGHT, I...
YOU REALLY
GOT NOTHIN' TO LOSE.
Andy:
SOUNDS LIKE
A GOOD
DEAL, FLOYD.
A TWO-CHAIR... YEAH...
ALL RIGHT.
(loudly):
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL DO IT!
GOOD, GOOD,
GOOD, GOOD.
I'LL JUST
GO CHECK
INTO THE HOTEL
AND THEN
I'LL CALL THE
BARBER SUPPLY
AND HAVE 'EM
BRING ANOTHER
CHAIR IN HERE
AND THEN I'LL
GET BUSY ON
THE PHONE
AND START
CALLIN' MY
OWN CUSTOMERS.
FINE.
OH, YOU WON'T
REGRET THIS,
MR. LAWSON.
NICE TO MEET
YOU, SHERIFF.
NICE TO MEET
YOU, MR. MEDWIN.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
GEE.
WELL.
FLOYD, YOU'RE
FINALLY EXPANDING.
YEAH... G...
AT LAST.
(chuckles)
FLOYD LAWSON, PROPRIETOR
OF A TWO-CHAIR BARBERSHOP.
MY, I HAVE TO SIT...
OH! OH! SORRY.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
YOU WANT TO GET THAT
LITTLE PIKE'S PEAK BACK THERE?
EXCUSE ME.
WELCOME TO FLOYD'S
BARBERSHOP.
IS BILL IN?
INSIDE.
THANKS.
WELL, FLOYD,
HOW'S THE NEW BARBER?
FINE, FINE, FINE.
FIRST MORNIN'
AND ALREADY,
TWO OF
HIS CUSTOMERS CAME IN
AND A THIRD
ONE'S ON THE WAY.
IS THAT RIGHT?
YEP.
AND THEY AIN'T
ALL JUST HAIRCUTS.
SHAMPOOS, TOO.
SHAMPOOS?
WHAT'S HE CHARGE
FOR THAT?
80 CENTS.
80 CENTS?
JUST TO WASH YOUR HEAD?
HATE TO HAVE HIM
GIVE ME A BATH.
WELL, HIS CUSTOMERS
CAN AFFORD IT.
UH, IF YOU THINK
THAT'S SOMETHING
HE DOES SOMETHING
THAT THEY CALL A FACIAL.
IT'S SUPPOSED
TO IMPROVE YOUR FACE.
$1.50.
$1.50?
MM-HMM.
(door shuts)
EVERYTHING
ALL RIGHT?
FINE.
THANK YOU.
CALL AGAIN.
THAT'S THE FACIAL.
I'D HATE TO SEE
WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE
WHEN HE WENT IN.
(cash register dings)
HEAR THAT?
HE'S PLAYING MY SONG.
(car door shuts)
SMART-LOOKING
CLIENTELE, HUH?
I THINK HE'S A DOCTOR.
YEAH.
I'M GLAD YOU TALKED ME
INTO THIS, ANDY.
(register dings)
WAIT A MINUTE, BARN.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
THEM FELLAS GOIN'
IN THE BARBERSHOP.
WHAT ABOUT 'EM?
AIN'T THEY THE
SAME THREE FELLAS
WE SAW GOIN'
IN THERE YESTERDAY
ABOUT THIS TIME?
YEAH, NOW THAT
YOU MENTION IT
THEY DO LOOK FAMILIAR.
YEAH.
DON'T THAT SEEM
STRANGE TO YOU--
A CUSTOMER GOIN' BACK
TO THE BARBERSHOP
THE VERY NEXT DAY?
NO.
NO?
NO, DIDN'T YOU EVER HEAR
OF A PERSON WITH
A "COMPELSION" COMPLEX?
A WHAT?
A "COMPELSION" COMPLEX--
LIKE WHEN FOLKS GOTTA WARSH
THEIR HANDS ALL DAY--
THAT'S A HAND-WARSHIN'
"COMPELSION."
WHAT YOU'RE
LOOKIN' AT THERE--
THAT'S A CASE
OF HAIR-CUTTIN' "COMPELSION."
ALL THREE OF 'EM?
ALL THREE OF 'EM
GOT THE "COMPELSION."
LISTEN, YOU FIND
"COMPELSION"
NUTS ALL OVER.
OKAY, LET'S HAVE IT.
HERE YOU ARE:
THE BETTING SLIPS
AND THE
COMPLETE TAKE
FROM EVERY BOOKIE
IN MY DISTRICT.
GOOD, HOW
'BOUT YOU BOYS?
WE GOT 100% COLLECTION, TOO.
LADYBUG AT HIALEAH
DID REAL GOOD.
BILL, HOW LONG
YOU GONNA HIDE OUT?
WHY NOT BRING
THE OPERATION
BACK TO THE CITY?
YOU KIDDIN'?
AS LONG AS
THE HEAT'S ON
WE'RE GONNA STAY.
WHAT'S THE HURRY?
YOU CAN'T PLACE
HORSE BETS BACK HOME.
MIGHT'S WELL STAY
HOLED UP RIGHT HERE.
SURE, WHAT COULD BE SWEETER...
A DOPEY BARBER FOR A FRONT MAN
THE ONLY LAW IN TOWN
IS A COUNTRY-BOY SHERIFF
WHO'S THE BARBER'S PAL?
PRETTY HARD TO MATCH
A PARLAY LIKE THAT.
HEY, WATCH IT.
YOU GOT ANY FOOD
FOR AN EMPTY LAWMAN?
BE READY IN JUST A MINUTE.
GOOD.
BURN YOURSELF?
UNH-UNH.
OH, IT LOOKS GOOD.
I WALKED PAST
FLOYD'S BARBER SHOP TODAY.
IT CERTAINLY
IS A BUSY PLACE.
YEAH, THAT NEW BARBER'S
PRETTY GOOD.
HE OUGHT TO BE
PRETTY POPULAR
WITH THE MEN IN TOWN.
WELL, NOT JUST
WITH THE MEN.
HOW'S THAT?
SARAH TELLS ME
HE'S PRETTY POPULAR
WITH THE LADIES.
SARAH OVER AT
THE SWITCHBOARD?
UH-HUH, YOU KNOW, SHE DOESN'T
TALK MUCH ABOUT PEOPLE.
SHE JUST HAPPENED
TO OVERHEAR
SOME OF HIS PHONE CALLS.
DO YOU KNOW HE'S
GOT GIRLFRIENDS
ALL THE WAY FROM HERE
TO MOREHEAD CITY?
IS IT RIGHT FOR SARAH
TO LISTEN TO HIS CALLS?
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
AND BEFORE SHE SAID ONE WORD
I TOLD HER STRAIGHT OUT
SHE SHOULDN'T DO IT.
GOSSIPING IS VERY RUDE.
GOOD FOR YOU, AUNT BEE.
AND I'M NOT ONE TO CARRY TALES
ABOUT PEOPLE, EITHER.
WELL, DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR
WHAT SHE SAID?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU
WASN'T GOSSIPING WITH HER.
WELL, I WASN'T GOSSIPING.
SHE WAS GOSSIPING.
I WAS JUST LISTENING.
OH, OH, YOU WERE
JUST LISTENING, OH.
WELL, I COULDN'T
WALK AWAY.
THAT WOULD BE RUDE.
OH, I SEE,
IT WOULD BE RUDER
TO BE RUDE
THAN TO BE GOSSIPING.
WELL, SARAH KNOWS
THAT ANYTHING SHE TELLS ME
DOESN'T GO ONE BIT FURTHER.
GOOD FOR YOU AGAIN, AUNT BEE.
WELL, DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR
WHAT SHE SAID?
DON'T I WANT TO HEAR THE THING
THAT WOULDN'T GO ANY FURTHER?
UH, NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
I'M FIXIN' TO EAT.
GO AHEAD AND TELL ME
BEFORE YOU BUST.
WELL, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT KIND
OF GIRLS THEY ARE
BUT FROM THEIR NAMES
THEY SOUND LIKE
CHORUS GIRLS OR SUCH.
TIGER LIL, BROWN-EYED MARY,
LINDY LOU...
THEY ARE KIND OF STRANGE NAMES
FOR A FACT.
AND THEY STAY UP LATE, TOO.
SOMETHING SARAH SAID
ABOUT TIGER LIL
NOT COMING HOME
UNTIL TEN TO ONE.
AND BROWN-EYED MARY
NOT TILL EIGHT TO FIVE.
ODD TIME.
AND THAT'S
NOT THE WORST.
LINDY LOU DIDN'T SHOW AT ALL.
SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO HIS
PLACE AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN SHOW.
SHE DIDN'T SHOW, HUH?
PLACE AND SHOW...
I BETTER HAVE A LITTLE TALK
WITH SARAH.
WELL, I DIDN'T
KNOW
YOU LIKED GOSSIP.
MAYBE JUST THIS ONCE.
HEY, SARAH, SHERIFF TAYLOR.
LISTEN, SARAH,
MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME SOMETHING.
WHAT IS IT, ANDY?
I GOT YOUR CALL AT THE DINER
AND I CAME OVER AS
FAST AS I COULD MAKE IT.
WELL, IT AIN'T
ALL THAT URGENT
BUT WE DO HAVE A KIND
OF A NASTY SITUATION HERE.
WE DO? NASTY,
IN MAYBERRY?
SEE IF I GOT MY BULLET.
WELL, IT SEEMS THAT
FLOYD'S BARBER SHOP'S
BEING USED AS A FRONT
FOR GAMBLING.
GAMBLING?
THAT'S RIGHT.
BOOKMAKING, HORSE RACING
BETS AND EVERYTHING.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.
IN FLOYD'S BARBER SHOP?
THAT'S RIGHT.
HEY, DO YOU THINK IT'S...
THAT'S RIGHT--
HIS NEW PARTNER.
SHAMPOO KING, HUH?
EXPLAINS
EVERYTHING, TOO.
PHONE CALLS,
THE OUT-OF-TOWN CUSTOMERS,
THEM SAME THREE FELLAS
KEEP COMING IN.
THEY PROBABLY WORK FOR HIM
PICKING UP THE BETS
AND THE WINNINGS.
WE CAN'T
JUST STAND HERE.
LET'S GO GET HIM.
WE'LL ROPE OFF THE BLOCK,
GET SOME TEAR GAS...
NO, BARNEY, THAT WON'T WORK.
THEY'LL JUST HIDE THE EVIDENCE
AND PLAY INNOCENT.
OH... OH.
WELL, WHAT
DO YOU SUGGEST?
WELL, WE GOT TO CATCH
THEM AT IT RED-HANDED,
GET THE EVIDENCE
ON THEM, YOU KNOW.
CATCH THEM WITH THEM
LITTLE BLACK BAGS.
WELL, HOW'RE WE
GONNA DO THAT?
DON'T RIGHTLY KNOW.
WE COULD USE A PLANT.
YOU KNOW, SEND SOMEBODY
IN TO PLACE A BET.
THE MINUTE THEY TAKE
IT, WHY, WE'D GRAB THEM.
YEAH...
HOW ABOUT ME?
WELL, THEY NEVER
SEEN ME BEFORE.
A DEPUTY SHERIFF?
WELL, NOT IN THESE CLOTHES,
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES.
OH, NO, BARNEY.
IT'S GOT TO BE SOMEBODY
THEY WOULDN'T SUSPECT AT ALL.
YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY THEY WOULDN'T
IN ANY WAY BE AFRAID OF.
YEAH, YEAH, A TYPICAL CITIZEN.
HEY, WHAT ABOUT EMMA WATSON?
EMMA WATSON?
SURE, I'M ALL
THE TIME READING
ABOUT THESE LITTLE OLD
LADIES THAT BET ON RACES.
THEY'D NEVER SUSPECT
SWEET OLD EMMA WATSON.
BARNEY, YOU CAN'T
ASK EMMA WATSON
TO DO A THING LIKE THAT.
WELL, WHY NOT?
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T
ASK A PRIVATE CITIZEN
TO BE A POLICE SPY.
SOMETHING MIGHT GO WRONG,
MIGHT GET HURT.
WELL, WHAT ARE
WE GONNA DO--
JUST SIT AROUND
AND WATCH OUR TOWN
BECOME THE GAMBLING
CENTER OF THE COUNTRY?
COME TO MAYBERRY, FOLKS,
GATEWAY TO MONTE CARLO.
BARNEY...
WHY, ONCE
THE WORD GETS OUT
THEY'LL BE SWARMIN'
IN HERE
WITH THEIR HORN HONKIN'
AND THEIR JAYWALKIN'...
NOW, BARNEY, WE'LL
GET THEM FELLAS.
WE JUST GOT TO FIGURE
OUT THE BEST WAY.
NOW, I GOT TO GO
TO STUART SIMMONS'S
AND I'LL BE BACK
AFTER A WHILE
AND THEN WE'LL
FIGURE OUT SOMETHING.
WELL, I STILL THINK
EMMA WATSON'S A GOOD IDEA.
WE SEND HER INTO
THE BARBER SHOP...
NO, BARNEY, NO.
NOW, JUST,
JUST CALM DOWN
AND WHEN I GET BACK,
WE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.
IT IS, TOO, JOEY.
IT IS NOT--
YOU'RE CRAZY.
I'LL BETCHA THAT'S BARNEY.
BARNEY?
IT IS BARNEY.
SEE, JOEY?
WHATCHA DOIN', BARNEY--
TRICK OR TREAT?
YOU SURE DO LOOK
FUNNY, BARNEY.
HE LOOKS LIKE MRS. COX
IN THE SECOND GRADE, DON'T HE?
BEAT IT, WILL YOU?
I'M PLAYING A TRICK ON SOMEBODY
AND I WANT TO SURPRISE THEM.
NOW, GO ON, GET OUT OF HERE.
GO ON!
HE SURE DOES
LOOK GOOFY.
DID YOU SEE
THAT HAT?
SAY, BILL,
WHERE'S THE DOPE
WHO RUNS THIS PLACE?
HE WENT HOME
FOR LUNCH,
BUT LET'S WORK
FAST, COME ON.
WATCH IT, HERE
COMES SOMEBODY.
(in falsetto):
HELLO, BOYS.
FLOYD ISN'T
HERE, IS HE?
UH, NO.
GOOD, BECAUSE YOU'RE THE
GENTLEMAN I REALLY WANT TO SEE.
ME?
MM-HMM, AND YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE I WANT TO PLACE A BET
ON A HORSE.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
YOU CAN DO THAT HERE?
OH, IT GETS AROUND,
BUT DON'T WORRY.
YOU BOYS ARE ABSOLUTELY
SAFE WITH ME.
NOW, WHAT I WANT TO DO
IS TO PUT THIS
RIGHT ON THE HORSEY'S NOSE.
NOW, WE HAVE TO DO THIS FAST
BECAUSE IF MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
SHOULD FIND OUT
SHE'D JUST HAVE A FIT.
I HAVE THIS DAUGHTER-IN-LAW,
SHE'S JUST A BEAST.
A BEAST IS WHAT SHE IS.
SHE WON'T LET ME GAMBLE,
SHE WON'T LET ME DO ANYTHING.
YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE TO SNEAK
DOWN TO THE GAS STATION
TO TAKE A PINCH OF SNUFF?
IS THAT, UH, SO?
UH, YEAH...
YEAH, YES.
A BEAST IS
WHAT SHE IS.
SHE'S JUST A BEAST.
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE SHE MARRIED
LATE IN LIFE
AND THEN SHE HAD THIS
SKIN CONDITION, YOU KNOW
THAT LASTED WELL INTO HER 30s.
IT'S MADE HER BITTER.
BUT I SAY, LIVE AND
LET LIVE IS WHAT I SAY.
I MEAN,
WHAT'S THE HARM
IN PLACING
A LITTLE BET?
THAT'S WHAT
I ALWAYS SAY.
NOW, UH, HERE'S MY TWO DOLLARS.
NOW, UH, GIVE ME
ONE OF THEM LITTLE SLIPS.
OH, IS THAT WHERE YOU KEEP THE
NAMES OF THE HORSES AND THINGS?
STOP IT! STOP IT!
HE AIN'T HERE, JOEY.
WHERE DO YOU
THINK HE WENT?
I DON'T KNOW.
OH, HI, WHATCHA
DOIN', BOYS?
LOOKIN' FOR BARNEY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT
WITH BARNEY?
WE WANT TO TEASE HIM.
HE SURE LOOKS FUNNY.
WHAT'S HE LOOK LIKE?
LIKE AN OLD LADY.
LIKE MRS. COX
IN THE SECOND GRADE.
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
BARNEY'S DRESSED
LIKE A LITTLE OLD LADY.
SAID HE WAS GONNA
FOOL SOMEBODY.
HEY, MAYBE YOU BETTER
WAIT IN THERE.
I'LL FIND BARNEY.
LET GO OF ME!
WHOA, WHOA, LADY...
ALL RIGHT, TURN HIM LOOSE.
BOY, TALK ABOUT CATCHIN'
THEM RED-HANDED.
YOU REALLY DID
A FINE JOB, BARN.
WELL...
(in falsetto):
DON'T TELL MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.
I SURE AM GLAD WE GOT
MEDWIN AND HIS BOYS
EXTRADITED TO WHERE
THEY WAS WANTED.
YEAH, GOOD RIDDANCE,
I'D SAY.
GETTING RID OF HIM IN A HURRY,
AT LEAST FLOYD NEVER HAD
TO KNOW THE AWFUL TRUTH
THAT HE WAS TEAMED UP
WITH A BOOKMAKER.
YES, LET'S HOPE HE NEVER
HAS TO FIND OUT.
HI, FLOYD,
HOW'S EVERYTHING?
OH, THERE YOU ARE.
OH, BOY, HAVE I GOT
NEWS FOR YOU!
WHAT SORT OF NEWS?
MEDWIN, HE WAS
WORKING HERE FOR ME,
WELL, HE'S GONE!
HE'S OUT.
HE HASN'T CALLED IN.
HE HASN'T CHECKED IN.
HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING.
IS THAT RIGHT?
YOU KNOW THOSE
PHONE CALLS OF HIS?
I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING --
THEY WEREN'T JUST
ORDINARY PHONE CALLS.
THEY WEREN'T?
NO, OF COURSE!
OH, I MUST HAVE BEEN BLIND.
HOW COULD I BELIEVE
THAT THERE WERE
CUSTOMERS
MAKING RESERVATIONS?
HOW COULD I BE
SO STUPID?
WELL, FLOYD,
AS A MATTER OF FACT --
NO, OF COURSE THEY WEREN'T
ANYTHING OF THE SORT!
OH, I ADMIT THAT HE
HAD ME FOOLED.
BUT NOW I KNOW
WHAT HE WAS UP TO.
WELL...
THOSE PHONE CALLS
WERE FROM GIRLFRIENDS.
YES.
I'VE JUST HAD A MESSAGE
THAT APPLE DUMPLING
IS COMING IN AT 10 TO ONE.
OF COURSE, SHE DOESN'T KNOW
THAT HE WON'T BE HERE,
SO I'M GOING TO
TAKE HER OUT MYSELF.