The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 2, Episode 25 - Andy and Barney in the Big City - full transcript
Andy and Barney travel to the State capital to seek funding for new equipment for the Mayberry Sheriff's office. Barney thinks he's in his element and is convinced that crime is all around him. At their hotel, Barney spots a suspicious character eying a well-to-do and bejeweled matronly woman in the lobby. Andy tells him to mind his own business but Barney being Barney decides that making a bust in the big city might just give them the clout they need to get the money they need. He follows the mysterious man and befriends another man, C.J. Hasler, who tells him he's a newspaperman who can help out. Turns out Barney has got it wrong again and the mystery man is actually the house detective and CJ is the jewel thief.
LET ME
HELP YOU, PAW.
I DON'T THINK
YOU CAN LIFT IT, OP.
I THINK
I CAN LIFT IT.
I'M PRETTY STRONG.
MAYBE IN ABOUT
20 YEARS.
I APPRECIATE YOU PACKIN'
FOR ME, AUNT BEE
BUT IT'S JUST A BUSINESS TRIP
FOR TWO DAYS.
I HOPE I DIDN'T
FORGET ANYTHING.
FROM THE FEEL OF IT
YOU DIDN'T FORGET
NARY A THING.
PACKED ALL MY CLOTHES
AND THE CHEST OF DRAWERS.
CAREFUL!
I PUT A JAR
OF PICCALILLI RELISH
IN THERE.
PICCALILLI RELISH?
WELL, YOU'LL BE GLAD
TO HAVE IT
WITH THAT HOTEL FOOD.
( doorbell rings )
UH, LET BARNEY IN,
WILL YOU, OP?
OKAY.
HI, BARNEY.
HI, OP.
OH, HOWDY, BARN.
HEY, DID YOU
LOSE A TOOTH?
YEAH. PAW HOOKED HER UP
TO THE DOORKNOB
AND OUT SHE WENT.
SHE SURE DID.
HEY, LISTEN,
LET ME HEAR YOU SAY
"SIMPLE SIMON SELLS SEASHELLS
BY THE SEASHORE."
OKAY.
SIMPLE SIMON SELLS SHE-SEASHELLS
BY THE SEASHORE.
( chuckles )
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
IF YOU THINK THAT'S SOMETHING,
YOU OUGHT TO HEAR ME
SING A SONG.
DON'T YOU
LOOK NICE?
DON'T HE LOOK NICE,
THOUGH?
I DON'T LOOK TOO IVY LEAGUE,
DO I?
OH, NO.
YOU'RE IN A LEAGUE
ALL BY YOURSELF.
FEELS KINDA STRANGE,
YOU KNOW
BEIN' USED TO WEARIN'
MY UNIFORM.
COMIN' OVER HERE
WITHOUT MY GUN AND BELT
I FELT ABSOLUTELY NAKED.
OH. I-I DIDN'T MEAN TO, UH,
I MEAN...
( clears throat )
LET ME HELP YOU.
CAREFUL, THERE'S
A BOTTLE IN THERE.
YOU THOUGHT
OF EVERYTHING,
DIDN'T YOU?
IT'S JUST A BOTTLE
OF PICCALILLI RELISH.
'BYE, AUNT BEE.
OH, NO,
WAIT A MOMENT!
I ALMOST FORGOT.
WHAT'D SHE FORGET?
I'LL BET YOU
A QUARTER
SHE FORGOT A BROWN PAPER SACK
FULL OF SANDWICHES.
I NEVER BEEN ON A TRIP
IN MY LIFE
THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO CARRY
A BROWN PAPER SACK
FULL OF SANDWICHES.
WELL, WHAT'D YOU FORGET,
AUNT BEE?
JUST A SACK
OF SANDWICHES
TO EAT ON THE BUS.
AW, A SACK OF SANDWICHES
TO EAT ON THE BUS.
BLESS HER HEART.
BYE.
BYE, OP.
BE GOOD, NOW.
TAKE CARE
OF AUNT BEE.
HERE WE GO.
Aunt Bee: TAKE CARE.
BYE.
NOW, STEP OUT
WITH YOUR RIGHT FOOT,
SO ALL WILL GO WELL.
READY?
WHOA!
HOWDY.
WE'D LIKE A ROOM
WITH TWIN BEDS.
YES, SIR.
SIGN THAT?
MM-HMM.
( knocking )
EXCUSE ME
A MINUTE.
BOY, YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE TO LOOK FAR AROUND HERE
TO FIND SOME FELONIES.
ROBBERY I NOTICE SO FAR
IS WHAT THEIR ASKIN' FOR
ROOMS -- SEVEN DOLLARS.
THIS IS
WHERE THE ACTION IS --
CAPITAL CITY.
WELL, IT'S DIFFERENT
FROM MAYBERRY,
NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT.
DIFFERENT? I'LL SAY
IT'S DIFFERENT.
ANDY, THIS IS A CITY.
YEP.
YOU KNOW, ANDY, THIS IS
WHERE I REALLY BELONG.
BARNEY FIFE...
IN THE ASPHALT JUNGLE.
NOW, BARN, OUTSIDE
OF THAT MEETIN'
WE'VE GOT WITH
THE COMMISSIONER
WE-WE'RE REALLY OFF
DUTY, YOU KNOW.
OFF DUTY?
( chuckles )
WHEN IS A LAWMAN
REALLY OFF DUTY?
WOULD YOU
MAKE CERTAIN
EVERYTHING'S THERE?
OH, YES.
WOULDN'T THEY BE
BETTER IN THE SAFE?
THERE'S NO POINT
IN HAVING JEWELS
IF ONE DOESN'T WEAR THEM.
WOULD YOU SIGN
THE RECEIPT?
( clears throat )
ANDY?
HMM?
( quietly ):
SEE THAT ICE?
HMM?
MM-MMM.
SHE'S BOUND TO GET
SOME ATTENTION
WITH THEM SPARKLERS,
AIN'T SHE?
SHE'S ALREADY
GETTIN' SOME ATTENTION.
HOW'S THAT?
BACK THERE.
( clears throat )
BACK WHERE?
BACK THERE.
WHERE?
BACK THERE.
A NECKLACE LIKE THAT
ANYBODY'D GIVE
IT A SECOND LOOK.
LOOK.
HMM?
HE'S STALKIN' HIS PREY.
SORRY, GENTLEMEN.
HAVE YOU BOTH
REGISTERED?
NO. YOU WANT
TO SIGN IN?
THERE YOU ARE, SIR.
BARNEY,
YOU GOT TO STOP
SEEIN' CRIMINALS
EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK.
ANDY, YOU...
NOW, BARNEY.
ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL GET CHECKED IN
AND WE'LL GO HAVE OUR MEETIN'
WITH THE COMMISSIONER.
HERE YOU ARE, MR. TAYLOR.
AND MR. FIFE.
EXCUSE ME.
DR. FIFE.
DR. FIFE?
BERNARD FIFE, M.D.
M.D.?
THAT'S THE WAY
I ALWAYS SIGN.
BERNARD FIFE, M.D.
"MAYBERRY DEPUTY."
FRONT?
MM-HMM.
WELL, I'LL SUBMIT
THESE RECORDS
TO THE BUDGET
DEPARTMENT
BUT I THINK
ANY CHANCES
OF YOUR GETTING
NEW EQUIPMENT
ARE PRETTY SLIM.
NOT MUCH HAPPENS
UP YOUR WAY.
NOT VERY
MANY ARRESTS.
UH, WHAT YOU'RE SAYIN' IS
THE ONLY WAY WE CAN GET
THE EQUIPMENT WE NEED
IS TO SLOW DOWN
OUR WORK A LITTLE
AND LET THE CRIME RATE
CATCH UP TO US.
IS THAT IT?
WELL, I-I...
NO, BUT IT WOULD HELP
IF I HAD SOMETHING TO SHOW.
IT'S TOO BAD YOU BOYS
DIDN'T MAKE MORE ARRESTS
THE KIND
THAT HIT THE FRONT PAGES.
PEOPLE LIKE THAT KIND OF FLASH,
YOU KNOW?
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
THE COMMITTEE IS
WAITING FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
GENTLEMAN, YOU
MUST EXCUSE ME.
I HAVE TO GET BACK
TO THE MEETING.
WE'D APPRECIATE
ANYTHING YOU CAN DO.
I'LL DO
EVERYTHING I CAN
I PROMISE YOU.
GOOD-BYE.
WELL, HE SAID HE'D DO
WHAT HE COULD.
I'LL TELL YA WHAT'D
TURN THE TRICK--
JUST ONE GOOD FELONY.
OUR NAME IN THE
PAPER JUST ONCE.
WE'D HAVE EVERYTHING WE
WANTED JUST LIKE THAT.
I SUPPOSE YOU MEAN
THAT FELLA AT THE HOTEL?
WHY NOT?
LOOK, PEOPLE COME
HERE TO THE CITY
TO SHOP FOR THINGS THEY
CAN'T GET BACK HOME.
ALL RIGHT -- WE DO
THE SAME THING.
NO FELONIES IN MAYBERRY?
WE PICK ONE UP HERE.
WELL, LET'S GO
BACK TO THE HOTEL
AND EAT SUPPER AND FORGET
ABOUT OUR PROBLEMS.
( piano playing quietly )
WE BETTER GET US A
WAITER OR SOMEBODY
TO TELL US WHAT THESE
FRENCH WORDS MEAN.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS POINT OUT SOMETHIN'.
THAT WAY YOU DON'T
LET OUT THAT YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.
OH, NO. THAT'S TOO CHANCY.
WELL, ANDY, ANYTHING YOU
POINT OUT'S BOUND TO BE GOOD.
BESIDES, YOU CAN LEARN
A FEW NEW WORDS.
NO. I DON'T LIKE TO GAMBLE
LIKE THAT, BARN.
BESIDES, A LITTLE PLAIN TALK
NEVER HURT ANYBODY.
UH...
DON'T DO THAT, ANDY.
YOU'LL EMBARRASS ME.
HE'LL THINK
YOU'RE JUST A PLAIN HICK.
WELL, BARNEY, THERE'S WORSE
THINGS THAN BEIN' A PLAIN HICK.
LIKE BEIN' A HUNGRY ONE.
MONSIEUR.
HOWDY.
UH, HAVE YOU GOT
A NICE STEAK ON
HERE SOMEWHERES?
A STEAK--
CERTAINLY, MONSIEUR.
GOOD.
LET ME HAVE A STEAK
AND, UH, UH,
A BAKED POTATO AND GREEN BEANS.
THANK YOU.
I'LL HAVE THAT.
ESCARGOT.
AND THAT.
CERVELLES AU BEURRE NOIR.
VERY GOOD, MONSIEUR.
THANK YOU.
STEAK, BAKED POTATO,
GREEN BEANS.
SNAILS AND BRAINS.
UH, WELL, BARN
YOU LEARNED TWO
NEW WORDS ANYWAY.
( whispering ):
ANDY, LOOK.
DID YA SEE THAT?
THE EMERALD LADY
AND THE CROOK?
DID YA NOTICE
HOW HE LEFT RIGHT AFTER HER?
THAT DON'T HAVE TO MEAN
HE'S FOLLOWIN' HER.
ANDY, I TELL YA,
HE'S CLOSIN' IN.
YEAH. SHE'S GOT THE NECKLACE,
ALL RIGHT.
I GOT A GOOD LOOK AT IT.
IT'S GENUINE,
WORTH A BUNDLE.
I TELL YA,
THAT GUY IS NO GOOD.
I'D STAKE
MY REPUTATION ON IT.
I'M STICKIN' ON HIS TAIL
TILL I SEE HIM BEHIND BARS.
YOU KNOW,
IT'S NIGHTS LIKE THIS
I WISH I WAS BACK
ON THE FORCE AGAIN
INSTEAD OF JUST
BEING A HOTEL DETECTIVE.
WANT TO BUY
A HOT NECKLACE?
HUH? COME ON, ANDY.
I'M GOING DOWN TO
POLICE HEADQUARTERS
AND BROWSE AROUND.
YOU WANT TO GO?
NO. YOU GO AHEAD.
MY PLACE IS HERE
ON THE CRIME FRONT.
WHERE'S YOUR MAN?
RIGHT OVER THERE...
EATIN' MINTS.
HE'S HAD EIGHT SO FAR.
OH.
DON'T LOSE COUNT.
I'LL SEE YOU AT 12:00.
OOH! OH, EXCUSE ME.
MY FAULT.
I BEG YOUR PARDON.
EXCUSE ME.
I HEARD YOU WERE
IN TOWN, C.J.
WHY NOT?
IT'S A FREE COUNTRY.
LOOK, C.J., I DON'T
WANT ANY TROUBLE.
YOU SEEM TO FORGET
THAT I WAS ACQUITTED
OF THAT LAST CHARGE.
LACK OF EVIDENCE,
I BELIEVE.
COMPLETELY
CLEAN RECORD.
WELL, MAKE IT
STAY THAT WAY.
KEEP YOUR HANDS IN
YOUR OWN POCKETS.
OH, RELAX, BARDOLI.
I'M AS WORRIED ABOUT
THE CRIME RATE AS YOU ARE.
IT'S SHOCKING.
THE PAPERS
ARE FULL OF IT.
DISGRACEFUL LACK
OF POLICE PROTECTION NOWADAYS.
( clears throat )
( clears throat )
YOU A NEW ARRIVAL
HERE AT THE HOTEL,
ARE YOU?
YES. YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
I'D LIKE TO PASS ALONG
A LITTLE FRIENDLY ADVICE.
OH?
I'D BE CAREFUL
ABOUT TALKING
TO STRANGERS
AROUND HERE
IF I WERE YOU.
UH...
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WELL, THIS
MAY BE A BIT
OF A SHOCK TO YOU
BUT THERE'S
A JEWEL THIEF
HANGING AROUND.
A JEWEL THIEF?
DON'T LOOK NOW,
BUT HE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
WHERE?
RIGHT BEHIND US.
HIM?
A JEWEL THIEF?
I WOULDN'T EXPECT YOU TO KNOW.
TAKES A PRO TO SPOT 'EM.
MM-HMM.
AND YOU'RE A PRO?
"DEPUTY SHERIFF--
MAYBERRY."
MAYBERRY?
OH. OH, YOU'RE
FROM OUT OF TOWN.
AND, AND...
YOU THINK THAT...
AND YOU SPOT...
OH, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
BUT, UM...
WHAT WOULD A JEWEL THIEF
HOPE TO FIND AROUND HERE?
COULD BE A LOT OF THINGS.
LIKE, SAY...UH...
EMERALDS.
EMERALDS, EH?
THERE'S A WOMAN
ON THE FOURTH FLOOR
HAS A NECKLACE WITH EMERALDS
AS BIG AS JAWBREAKERS.
HE'S BEEN TRYING
TO CLOSE IN ALL DAY.
I'M ALL SET TO NAB HIM
THE MINUTE HE MAKES HIS MOVE.
LOOK, UH...
I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU.
UH, I'M...
I'M C.J. HOFFMAN.
I, UH...UH...
I OWN THIS NEWSPAPER.
SOUNDS LIKE IT WOULD
BE A GREAT STORY
BUT I HAVE
TO KNOW MORE.
OUR NAME IN THE PAPER--
THAT'S WHAT WE NEED.
C.J., YOU STICK WITH ME.
KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN
IF LEAD STARTS TO FLY.
YOU'LL GET YOUR SCOOP.
IT'S A DEAL.
FROM NOW ON,
IT'S CAT AND MOUSE --
A WAITING GAME --
TILL HE MAKES HIS MOVE.
THERE HE IS!
THE ELEVATOR!
OH, HE'S GOING UP
FOR THE HEIST.
I TURN MY BACK
ONE MINUTE...
THE STAIRS.
GOOD.
OKAY, C.J., GET SET
FOR THE BIG STORY.
THEN ALL THIS REPRESENTS
THE CRIME LAB, DOES IT?
THAT'S RIGHT, SHERIFF.
IT'S INTERESTING.
SURE IS.
HI.
HOWDY.
ANDY, THIS IS
OFFICER FRIENDLY.
DEAN, THIS IS
SHERIFF TAYLOR OF MAYBERRY.
HOW YOU DOIN'?
HANDY LITTLE
GADGET THERE.
WE TRY TO KEEP UP.
ANDY, I'D LIKE YOU
TO TAKE A LOOK
AT OUR FILE ROOM.
IT'S RIGHT OUT THIS WAY.
THAT'S HER DOOR.
HE'S AFTER THE ICE,
ALL RIGHT.
THESE BOOKS ARE
PRETTY COMPLETE, SHERIFF --
RACKETEERS, BURGLARS,
JEWEL THIEVES...
YOU NAME 'EM,
WE GOT 'EM.
SOMEONE YOU KNOW?
I'VE SEEN HIM
SOMEWHERE.
HE'S LEAVING.
HE MUST HAVE
BEEN SCARED OFF.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
MAYBE HE ALREADY
TOOK THE NECKLACE.
THEY WORK FAST.
WE BETTER
TAKE A LOOK.
IT'S LOCKED.
WELL, I'VE HEARD
THAT A NAIL FILE
CAN OPEN A LOCK.
YOU KNOW
HOW THAT WORKS?
WELL...YOU JUST...
SLIDE IT IN THERE
AND SNAP IT, I GUESS.
YOU'RE RIGHT!
YOU SURE KNOW
ALL THEIR GIMMICKS.
WELL, HALF
THE TRICK OF WINNING
IS UNDERSTANDING
THE ENEMY.
I'LL LOOK IN THE BEDROOM.
YOU CHECK AROUND IN HERE.
WHERE DO YOU THINK
I OUGHT TO START?
SOMETIMES
THEY HIDE A WALL SAFE
BEHIND A PICTURE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH.
YEAH.
YOU COME ON UP
TO MAYBERRY
AND WE'LL
SHOOT SOME QUAIL.
IT SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
LET ME HAVE THE KEY
TO 920, PLEASE.
SHERIFF, I'D LIKE
TO CALL THE MISSUS
AND TELL HER
I'LL BE A LITTLE LATE.
YEAH, GO AHEAD.
HEY, SERGEANT.
WHO IS THAT FELLA
RIGHT OVER THERE
JUST GETTING ON THE ELEVATOR?
OH, HIM?
OH, THAT'S
THE HOUSE DETECTIVE.
THAT'S THE WHAT?
HOUSE DETECTIVE.
HE'S BEEN HERE
FOR YEARS.
I'LL BE
JUST A MINUTE.
WELL, NOTHING'S MISSING --
IT WAS A FALSE ALARM.
WE'D BETTER GET OUT.
WAIT. WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT'S WHAT?
THAT BOX
ON THE DRESSER.
IT'S JUST A BOX.
LOOKS LIKE
A JEWEL BOX.
THAT'S THE TROUBLE
WITH YOU AMATEURS.
YOU WOULDN'T SEE THAT.
TAKES A PRO TO SPOT IT.
IT'S EMPTY! THEY'RE GONE!
THE NECKLACE IS STOLEN!
COME ON! LET'S GET HIM!
( whispering ):
LOOK.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
IT'S HIM!
HE'S RETURNED
TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME.
( pounding on door )
GREAT WORK.
NOW, IF I CAN
ONLY GET MY
PHOTOGRAPHERS HERE --
TAKE YOUR PICTURE
MAKING THE ARREST.
OPEN UP!
MY PLACE IS RIGHT
UP THE STREET.
IT'LL ONLY TAKE
ABOUT 20 MINUTES.
WHY DON'T WE PHONE THEM?
NO, NO.
THE HOTEL SWITCHBOARD--
THEY'D TIP OFF
THE HOUSE DETECTIVE.
HE'D COME UP AND
TAKE ALL THE CREDIT.
GIVE ME
ABOUT 20 MINUTES.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHY DON'T
I GO WITH YOU?
I COULD USE THE PAY PHONE
TO CALL THE POLICE.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
HEY! LET ME
OUT OF HERE!
ANDY, AM I EVER
GLAD TO SEE YOU.
DO I HAVE NEWS!
THIS IS
C.J. HOFFMAN.
I HAVE TO BE GOING.
THAT FELLA I
SPOTTED IS A CROOK.
HE TOOK
THE EMERALDS.
C.J. AND I
FOUND THEM GONE.
THE FELLA YOU WERE FOLLOWING --
HE TOOK 'EM?
WE LOCKED HIM
IN THE CLOSET.
C.J.'S GOT TO GET
HIS PHOTOGRAPHERS
TO TAKE MY PICTURE.
YES. SO IF
YOU'LL EXCUSE ME...
AND C.J.
HELPED YOU, HUH?
YEAH.
C.J., YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GET A PHOTOGRAPHER.
THEY GOT A NICE
LIKENESS OF YOU
DOWN AT POLICE
HEADQUARTERS.
LOOKIT THERE,
SERGEANT.
GREAT WORK, BARNEY.
YOU GOT HIM.
OH, SERGEANT NELSON
OF THE CITY POLICE --
MY DEPUTY, BARNEY FIFE.
CONGRATULATIONS, DEPUTY.
OH, UH...UH...UH...
I'LL TAKE HIM
OFF YOUR HANDS.
WELL, BARN,
YOU GOT YOUR FELONY
AND YOU GOT
YOUR ARREST.
YEAH.
YEAH, I WAS JUST...
JUST PLAYING ALONG.
I KNEW ALL THE TIME
THAT, UH...
THERE'S NO USE
PRETENDING, ANDY.
I HAD IT ALL WRONG.
HEY...WHO...?
WHO WHAT, BARN?
WHO'S THE GUY IN THE CLOSET?
OH. WELL, UH...
THIS WON'T
BE EASY, BARNEY
BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND OUT
SOONER OR LATER...
[ NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE ]
[ CHUCKLING ]
OH, YES, THAT'S RIGHT,
COMMISSIONER.
YEAH, IT'S QUITE A STORY.
WELL, NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT IT TO
INFLUENCE THE BUDGET COMMITTEE,
NOT ONE LITTLE BITTY BIT.
YOU UNDERSTAND.
RIGHT.
RIGHT.
'BYE.
WELL...
THIS AIN'T
GONNA HURT US MUCH.
I FIGURED AS MUCH.
[ CHUCKLING ]
MM-HMM, LOOK AT THAT!
BARNEY FIFE,
INTREPID, HUH?
FEARLESS.
GOT ME KIND OF GOOD,
DIDN'T THEY?
FEARLESS.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
OH, GRAB THAT,
WILL YOU, ANDY?
IT'S PROBABLY
SOME THRILL SEEKERS.
OH, YEAH.
WELL, MR. BARDOLI.
HI, YOUR DEPUTY
ANYWHERE AROUND?
YEAH, BARNEY'S HERE.
I'VE BEEN CHASING HIM
ALL MORNING.
I WANTED A MINUTE WITH HIM
BEFORE HE LEFT TOWN.
WELL, COME ON IN,
COME ON IN.
THANKS.
HEY, BARN?
UH, EXCUSE ME
JUST A MINUTE.
UH...COULD, UH,
COULD I HELP?
WELL, I JUST WANTED TO TELL HIM
THERE WERE NO HARD FEELINGS.
GETTING HASLER BEHIND BARS
IS ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME,
NO MATTER HOW IT HAPPENS.
OH, WELL,
THAT CERTAINLY IS --
[ DOOR OPENS ]
THERE'S NOTHIN' IN THERE.
WELL, HELLO THERE,
BARDOLI.
BEEN LOOKIN' FOR YOU.
I WAS JUST HOPIN'
WE COULD GET TOGETHER
ON ANOTHER CAPER SOMETIME.
MEANTIME, IF YOU'RE
EVER UP MY WAY,
BE SURE AND LOOK ME UP.
NAME'S IN THE BOOK.
UNDER "FEARLESS."
WELL, I'LL BE
RUNNING ALONG.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, BE SURE
AND DO STOP BY
AND SEE US SOMETIME.
HELP YOU, PAW.
I DON'T THINK
YOU CAN LIFT IT, OP.
I THINK
I CAN LIFT IT.
I'M PRETTY STRONG.
MAYBE IN ABOUT
20 YEARS.
I APPRECIATE YOU PACKIN'
FOR ME, AUNT BEE
BUT IT'S JUST A BUSINESS TRIP
FOR TWO DAYS.
I HOPE I DIDN'T
FORGET ANYTHING.
FROM THE FEEL OF IT
YOU DIDN'T FORGET
NARY A THING.
PACKED ALL MY CLOTHES
AND THE CHEST OF DRAWERS.
CAREFUL!
I PUT A JAR
OF PICCALILLI RELISH
IN THERE.
PICCALILLI RELISH?
WELL, YOU'LL BE GLAD
TO HAVE IT
WITH THAT HOTEL FOOD.
( doorbell rings )
UH, LET BARNEY IN,
WILL YOU, OP?
OKAY.
HI, BARNEY.
HI, OP.
OH, HOWDY, BARN.
HEY, DID YOU
LOSE A TOOTH?
YEAH. PAW HOOKED HER UP
TO THE DOORKNOB
AND OUT SHE WENT.
SHE SURE DID.
HEY, LISTEN,
LET ME HEAR YOU SAY
"SIMPLE SIMON SELLS SEASHELLS
BY THE SEASHORE."
OKAY.
SIMPLE SIMON SELLS SHE-SEASHELLS
BY THE SEASHORE.
( chuckles )
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
IF YOU THINK THAT'S SOMETHING,
YOU OUGHT TO HEAR ME
SING A SONG.
DON'T YOU
LOOK NICE?
DON'T HE LOOK NICE,
THOUGH?
I DON'T LOOK TOO IVY LEAGUE,
DO I?
OH, NO.
YOU'RE IN A LEAGUE
ALL BY YOURSELF.
FEELS KINDA STRANGE,
YOU KNOW
BEIN' USED TO WEARIN'
MY UNIFORM.
COMIN' OVER HERE
WITHOUT MY GUN AND BELT
I FELT ABSOLUTELY NAKED.
OH. I-I DIDN'T MEAN TO, UH,
I MEAN...
( clears throat )
LET ME HELP YOU.
CAREFUL, THERE'S
A BOTTLE IN THERE.
YOU THOUGHT
OF EVERYTHING,
DIDN'T YOU?
IT'S JUST A BOTTLE
OF PICCALILLI RELISH.
'BYE, AUNT BEE.
OH, NO,
WAIT A MOMENT!
I ALMOST FORGOT.
WHAT'D SHE FORGET?
I'LL BET YOU
A QUARTER
SHE FORGOT A BROWN PAPER SACK
FULL OF SANDWICHES.
I NEVER BEEN ON A TRIP
IN MY LIFE
THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO CARRY
A BROWN PAPER SACK
FULL OF SANDWICHES.
WELL, WHAT'D YOU FORGET,
AUNT BEE?
JUST A SACK
OF SANDWICHES
TO EAT ON THE BUS.
AW, A SACK OF SANDWICHES
TO EAT ON THE BUS.
BLESS HER HEART.
BYE.
BYE, OP.
BE GOOD, NOW.
TAKE CARE
OF AUNT BEE.
HERE WE GO.
Aunt Bee: TAKE CARE.
BYE.
NOW, STEP OUT
WITH YOUR RIGHT FOOT,
SO ALL WILL GO WELL.
READY?
WHOA!
HOWDY.
WE'D LIKE A ROOM
WITH TWIN BEDS.
YES, SIR.
SIGN THAT?
MM-HMM.
( knocking )
EXCUSE ME
A MINUTE.
BOY, YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE TO LOOK FAR AROUND HERE
TO FIND SOME FELONIES.
ROBBERY I NOTICE SO FAR
IS WHAT THEIR ASKIN' FOR
ROOMS -- SEVEN DOLLARS.
THIS IS
WHERE THE ACTION IS --
CAPITAL CITY.
WELL, IT'S DIFFERENT
FROM MAYBERRY,
NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT.
DIFFERENT? I'LL SAY
IT'S DIFFERENT.
ANDY, THIS IS A CITY.
YEP.
YOU KNOW, ANDY, THIS IS
WHERE I REALLY BELONG.
BARNEY FIFE...
IN THE ASPHALT JUNGLE.
NOW, BARN, OUTSIDE
OF THAT MEETIN'
WE'VE GOT WITH
THE COMMISSIONER
WE-WE'RE REALLY OFF
DUTY, YOU KNOW.
OFF DUTY?
( chuckles )
WHEN IS A LAWMAN
REALLY OFF DUTY?
WOULD YOU
MAKE CERTAIN
EVERYTHING'S THERE?
OH, YES.
WOULDN'T THEY BE
BETTER IN THE SAFE?
THERE'S NO POINT
IN HAVING JEWELS
IF ONE DOESN'T WEAR THEM.
WOULD YOU SIGN
THE RECEIPT?
( clears throat )
ANDY?
HMM?
( quietly ):
SEE THAT ICE?
HMM?
MM-MMM.
SHE'S BOUND TO GET
SOME ATTENTION
WITH THEM SPARKLERS,
AIN'T SHE?
SHE'S ALREADY
GETTIN' SOME ATTENTION.
HOW'S THAT?
BACK THERE.
( clears throat )
BACK WHERE?
BACK THERE.
WHERE?
BACK THERE.
A NECKLACE LIKE THAT
ANYBODY'D GIVE
IT A SECOND LOOK.
LOOK.
HMM?
HE'S STALKIN' HIS PREY.
SORRY, GENTLEMEN.
HAVE YOU BOTH
REGISTERED?
NO. YOU WANT
TO SIGN IN?
THERE YOU ARE, SIR.
BARNEY,
YOU GOT TO STOP
SEEIN' CRIMINALS
EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK.
ANDY, YOU...
NOW, BARNEY.
ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL GET CHECKED IN
AND WE'LL GO HAVE OUR MEETIN'
WITH THE COMMISSIONER.
HERE YOU ARE, MR. TAYLOR.
AND MR. FIFE.
EXCUSE ME.
DR. FIFE.
DR. FIFE?
BERNARD FIFE, M.D.
M.D.?
THAT'S THE WAY
I ALWAYS SIGN.
BERNARD FIFE, M.D.
"MAYBERRY DEPUTY."
FRONT?
MM-HMM.
WELL, I'LL SUBMIT
THESE RECORDS
TO THE BUDGET
DEPARTMENT
BUT I THINK
ANY CHANCES
OF YOUR GETTING
NEW EQUIPMENT
ARE PRETTY SLIM.
NOT MUCH HAPPENS
UP YOUR WAY.
NOT VERY
MANY ARRESTS.
UH, WHAT YOU'RE SAYIN' IS
THE ONLY WAY WE CAN GET
THE EQUIPMENT WE NEED
IS TO SLOW DOWN
OUR WORK A LITTLE
AND LET THE CRIME RATE
CATCH UP TO US.
IS THAT IT?
WELL, I-I...
NO, BUT IT WOULD HELP
IF I HAD SOMETHING TO SHOW.
IT'S TOO BAD YOU BOYS
DIDN'T MAKE MORE ARRESTS
THE KIND
THAT HIT THE FRONT PAGES.
PEOPLE LIKE THAT KIND OF FLASH,
YOU KNOW?
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
THE COMMITTEE IS
WAITING FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
GENTLEMAN, YOU
MUST EXCUSE ME.
I HAVE TO GET BACK
TO THE MEETING.
WE'D APPRECIATE
ANYTHING YOU CAN DO.
I'LL DO
EVERYTHING I CAN
I PROMISE YOU.
GOOD-BYE.
WELL, HE SAID HE'D DO
WHAT HE COULD.
I'LL TELL YA WHAT'D
TURN THE TRICK--
JUST ONE GOOD FELONY.
OUR NAME IN THE
PAPER JUST ONCE.
WE'D HAVE EVERYTHING WE
WANTED JUST LIKE THAT.
I SUPPOSE YOU MEAN
THAT FELLA AT THE HOTEL?
WHY NOT?
LOOK, PEOPLE COME
HERE TO THE CITY
TO SHOP FOR THINGS THEY
CAN'T GET BACK HOME.
ALL RIGHT -- WE DO
THE SAME THING.
NO FELONIES IN MAYBERRY?
WE PICK ONE UP HERE.
WELL, LET'S GO
BACK TO THE HOTEL
AND EAT SUPPER AND FORGET
ABOUT OUR PROBLEMS.
( piano playing quietly )
WE BETTER GET US A
WAITER OR SOMEBODY
TO TELL US WHAT THESE
FRENCH WORDS MEAN.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS POINT OUT SOMETHIN'.
THAT WAY YOU DON'T
LET OUT THAT YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.
OH, NO. THAT'S TOO CHANCY.
WELL, ANDY, ANYTHING YOU
POINT OUT'S BOUND TO BE GOOD.
BESIDES, YOU CAN LEARN
A FEW NEW WORDS.
NO. I DON'T LIKE TO GAMBLE
LIKE THAT, BARN.
BESIDES, A LITTLE PLAIN TALK
NEVER HURT ANYBODY.
UH...
DON'T DO THAT, ANDY.
YOU'LL EMBARRASS ME.
HE'LL THINK
YOU'RE JUST A PLAIN HICK.
WELL, BARNEY, THERE'S WORSE
THINGS THAN BEIN' A PLAIN HICK.
LIKE BEIN' A HUNGRY ONE.
MONSIEUR.
HOWDY.
UH, HAVE YOU GOT
A NICE STEAK ON
HERE SOMEWHERES?
A STEAK--
CERTAINLY, MONSIEUR.
GOOD.
LET ME HAVE A STEAK
AND, UH, UH,
A BAKED POTATO AND GREEN BEANS.
THANK YOU.
I'LL HAVE THAT.
ESCARGOT.
AND THAT.
CERVELLES AU BEURRE NOIR.
VERY GOOD, MONSIEUR.
THANK YOU.
STEAK, BAKED POTATO,
GREEN BEANS.
SNAILS AND BRAINS.
UH, WELL, BARN
YOU LEARNED TWO
NEW WORDS ANYWAY.
( whispering ):
ANDY, LOOK.
DID YA SEE THAT?
THE EMERALD LADY
AND THE CROOK?
DID YA NOTICE
HOW HE LEFT RIGHT AFTER HER?
THAT DON'T HAVE TO MEAN
HE'S FOLLOWIN' HER.
ANDY, I TELL YA,
HE'S CLOSIN' IN.
YEAH. SHE'S GOT THE NECKLACE,
ALL RIGHT.
I GOT A GOOD LOOK AT IT.
IT'S GENUINE,
WORTH A BUNDLE.
I TELL YA,
THAT GUY IS NO GOOD.
I'D STAKE
MY REPUTATION ON IT.
I'M STICKIN' ON HIS TAIL
TILL I SEE HIM BEHIND BARS.
YOU KNOW,
IT'S NIGHTS LIKE THIS
I WISH I WAS BACK
ON THE FORCE AGAIN
INSTEAD OF JUST
BEING A HOTEL DETECTIVE.
WANT TO BUY
A HOT NECKLACE?
HUH? COME ON, ANDY.
I'M GOING DOWN TO
POLICE HEADQUARTERS
AND BROWSE AROUND.
YOU WANT TO GO?
NO. YOU GO AHEAD.
MY PLACE IS HERE
ON THE CRIME FRONT.
WHERE'S YOUR MAN?
RIGHT OVER THERE...
EATIN' MINTS.
HE'S HAD EIGHT SO FAR.
OH.
DON'T LOSE COUNT.
I'LL SEE YOU AT 12:00.
OOH! OH, EXCUSE ME.
MY FAULT.
I BEG YOUR PARDON.
EXCUSE ME.
I HEARD YOU WERE
IN TOWN, C.J.
WHY NOT?
IT'S A FREE COUNTRY.
LOOK, C.J., I DON'T
WANT ANY TROUBLE.
YOU SEEM TO FORGET
THAT I WAS ACQUITTED
OF THAT LAST CHARGE.
LACK OF EVIDENCE,
I BELIEVE.
COMPLETELY
CLEAN RECORD.
WELL, MAKE IT
STAY THAT WAY.
KEEP YOUR HANDS IN
YOUR OWN POCKETS.
OH, RELAX, BARDOLI.
I'M AS WORRIED ABOUT
THE CRIME RATE AS YOU ARE.
IT'S SHOCKING.
THE PAPERS
ARE FULL OF IT.
DISGRACEFUL LACK
OF POLICE PROTECTION NOWADAYS.
( clears throat )
( clears throat )
YOU A NEW ARRIVAL
HERE AT THE HOTEL,
ARE YOU?
YES. YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
I'D LIKE TO PASS ALONG
A LITTLE FRIENDLY ADVICE.
OH?
I'D BE CAREFUL
ABOUT TALKING
TO STRANGERS
AROUND HERE
IF I WERE YOU.
UH...
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WELL, THIS
MAY BE A BIT
OF A SHOCK TO YOU
BUT THERE'S
A JEWEL THIEF
HANGING AROUND.
A JEWEL THIEF?
DON'T LOOK NOW,
BUT HE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
WHERE?
RIGHT BEHIND US.
HIM?
A JEWEL THIEF?
I WOULDN'T EXPECT YOU TO KNOW.
TAKES A PRO TO SPOT 'EM.
MM-HMM.
AND YOU'RE A PRO?
"DEPUTY SHERIFF--
MAYBERRY."
MAYBERRY?
OH. OH, YOU'RE
FROM OUT OF TOWN.
AND, AND...
YOU THINK THAT...
AND YOU SPOT...
OH, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
BUT, UM...
WHAT WOULD A JEWEL THIEF
HOPE TO FIND AROUND HERE?
COULD BE A LOT OF THINGS.
LIKE, SAY...UH...
EMERALDS.
EMERALDS, EH?
THERE'S A WOMAN
ON THE FOURTH FLOOR
HAS A NECKLACE WITH EMERALDS
AS BIG AS JAWBREAKERS.
HE'S BEEN TRYING
TO CLOSE IN ALL DAY.
I'M ALL SET TO NAB HIM
THE MINUTE HE MAKES HIS MOVE.
LOOK, UH...
I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU.
UH, I'M...
I'M C.J. HOFFMAN.
I, UH...UH...
I OWN THIS NEWSPAPER.
SOUNDS LIKE IT WOULD
BE A GREAT STORY
BUT I HAVE
TO KNOW MORE.
OUR NAME IN THE PAPER--
THAT'S WHAT WE NEED.
C.J., YOU STICK WITH ME.
KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN
IF LEAD STARTS TO FLY.
YOU'LL GET YOUR SCOOP.
IT'S A DEAL.
FROM NOW ON,
IT'S CAT AND MOUSE --
A WAITING GAME --
TILL HE MAKES HIS MOVE.
THERE HE IS!
THE ELEVATOR!
OH, HE'S GOING UP
FOR THE HEIST.
I TURN MY BACK
ONE MINUTE...
THE STAIRS.
GOOD.
OKAY, C.J., GET SET
FOR THE BIG STORY.
THEN ALL THIS REPRESENTS
THE CRIME LAB, DOES IT?
THAT'S RIGHT, SHERIFF.
IT'S INTERESTING.
SURE IS.
HI.
HOWDY.
ANDY, THIS IS
OFFICER FRIENDLY.
DEAN, THIS IS
SHERIFF TAYLOR OF MAYBERRY.
HOW YOU DOIN'?
HANDY LITTLE
GADGET THERE.
WE TRY TO KEEP UP.
ANDY, I'D LIKE YOU
TO TAKE A LOOK
AT OUR FILE ROOM.
IT'S RIGHT OUT THIS WAY.
THAT'S HER DOOR.
HE'S AFTER THE ICE,
ALL RIGHT.
THESE BOOKS ARE
PRETTY COMPLETE, SHERIFF --
RACKETEERS, BURGLARS,
JEWEL THIEVES...
YOU NAME 'EM,
WE GOT 'EM.
SOMEONE YOU KNOW?
I'VE SEEN HIM
SOMEWHERE.
HE'S LEAVING.
HE MUST HAVE
BEEN SCARED OFF.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
MAYBE HE ALREADY
TOOK THE NECKLACE.
THEY WORK FAST.
WE BETTER
TAKE A LOOK.
IT'S LOCKED.
WELL, I'VE HEARD
THAT A NAIL FILE
CAN OPEN A LOCK.
YOU KNOW
HOW THAT WORKS?
WELL...YOU JUST...
SLIDE IT IN THERE
AND SNAP IT, I GUESS.
YOU'RE RIGHT!
YOU SURE KNOW
ALL THEIR GIMMICKS.
WELL, HALF
THE TRICK OF WINNING
IS UNDERSTANDING
THE ENEMY.
I'LL LOOK IN THE BEDROOM.
YOU CHECK AROUND IN HERE.
WHERE DO YOU THINK
I OUGHT TO START?
SOMETIMES
THEY HIDE A WALL SAFE
BEHIND A PICTURE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH.
YEAH.
YOU COME ON UP
TO MAYBERRY
AND WE'LL
SHOOT SOME QUAIL.
IT SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
LET ME HAVE THE KEY
TO 920, PLEASE.
SHERIFF, I'D LIKE
TO CALL THE MISSUS
AND TELL HER
I'LL BE A LITTLE LATE.
YEAH, GO AHEAD.
HEY, SERGEANT.
WHO IS THAT FELLA
RIGHT OVER THERE
JUST GETTING ON THE ELEVATOR?
OH, HIM?
OH, THAT'S
THE HOUSE DETECTIVE.
THAT'S THE WHAT?
HOUSE DETECTIVE.
HE'S BEEN HERE
FOR YEARS.
I'LL BE
JUST A MINUTE.
WELL, NOTHING'S MISSING --
IT WAS A FALSE ALARM.
WE'D BETTER GET OUT.
WAIT. WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT'S WHAT?
THAT BOX
ON THE DRESSER.
IT'S JUST A BOX.
LOOKS LIKE
A JEWEL BOX.
THAT'S THE TROUBLE
WITH YOU AMATEURS.
YOU WOULDN'T SEE THAT.
TAKES A PRO TO SPOT IT.
IT'S EMPTY! THEY'RE GONE!
THE NECKLACE IS STOLEN!
COME ON! LET'S GET HIM!
( whispering ):
LOOK.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
IT'S HIM!
HE'S RETURNED
TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME.
( pounding on door )
GREAT WORK.
NOW, IF I CAN
ONLY GET MY
PHOTOGRAPHERS HERE --
TAKE YOUR PICTURE
MAKING THE ARREST.
OPEN UP!
MY PLACE IS RIGHT
UP THE STREET.
IT'LL ONLY TAKE
ABOUT 20 MINUTES.
WHY DON'T WE PHONE THEM?
NO, NO.
THE HOTEL SWITCHBOARD--
THEY'D TIP OFF
THE HOUSE DETECTIVE.
HE'D COME UP AND
TAKE ALL THE CREDIT.
GIVE ME
ABOUT 20 MINUTES.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHY DON'T
I GO WITH YOU?
I COULD USE THE PAY PHONE
TO CALL THE POLICE.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
HEY! LET ME
OUT OF HERE!
ANDY, AM I EVER
GLAD TO SEE YOU.
DO I HAVE NEWS!
THIS IS
C.J. HOFFMAN.
I HAVE TO BE GOING.
THAT FELLA I
SPOTTED IS A CROOK.
HE TOOK
THE EMERALDS.
C.J. AND I
FOUND THEM GONE.
THE FELLA YOU WERE FOLLOWING --
HE TOOK 'EM?
WE LOCKED HIM
IN THE CLOSET.
C.J.'S GOT TO GET
HIS PHOTOGRAPHERS
TO TAKE MY PICTURE.
YES. SO IF
YOU'LL EXCUSE ME...
AND C.J.
HELPED YOU, HUH?
YEAH.
C.J., YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GET A PHOTOGRAPHER.
THEY GOT A NICE
LIKENESS OF YOU
DOWN AT POLICE
HEADQUARTERS.
LOOKIT THERE,
SERGEANT.
GREAT WORK, BARNEY.
YOU GOT HIM.
OH, SERGEANT NELSON
OF THE CITY POLICE --
MY DEPUTY, BARNEY FIFE.
CONGRATULATIONS, DEPUTY.
OH, UH...UH...UH...
I'LL TAKE HIM
OFF YOUR HANDS.
WELL, BARN,
YOU GOT YOUR FELONY
AND YOU GOT
YOUR ARREST.
YEAH.
YEAH, I WAS JUST...
JUST PLAYING ALONG.
I KNEW ALL THE TIME
THAT, UH...
THERE'S NO USE
PRETENDING, ANDY.
I HAD IT ALL WRONG.
HEY...WHO...?
WHO WHAT, BARN?
WHO'S THE GUY IN THE CLOSET?
OH. WELL, UH...
THIS WON'T
BE EASY, BARNEY
BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND OUT
SOONER OR LATER...
[ NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE ]
[ CHUCKLING ]
OH, YES, THAT'S RIGHT,
COMMISSIONER.
YEAH, IT'S QUITE A STORY.
WELL, NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT IT TO
INFLUENCE THE BUDGET COMMITTEE,
NOT ONE LITTLE BITTY BIT.
YOU UNDERSTAND.
RIGHT.
RIGHT.
'BYE.
WELL...
THIS AIN'T
GONNA HURT US MUCH.
I FIGURED AS MUCH.
[ CHUCKLING ]
MM-HMM, LOOK AT THAT!
BARNEY FIFE,
INTREPID, HUH?
FEARLESS.
GOT ME KIND OF GOOD,
DIDN'T THEY?
FEARLESS.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
OH, GRAB THAT,
WILL YOU, ANDY?
IT'S PROBABLY
SOME THRILL SEEKERS.
OH, YEAH.
WELL, MR. BARDOLI.
HI, YOUR DEPUTY
ANYWHERE AROUND?
YEAH, BARNEY'S HERE.
I'VE BEEN CHASING HIM
ALL MORNING.
I WANTED A MINUTE WITH HIM
BEFORE HE LEFT TOWN.
WELL, COME ON IN,
COME ON IN.
THANKS.
HEY, BARN?
UH, EXCUSE ME
JUST A MINUTE.
UH...COULD, UH,
COULD I HELP?
WELL, I JUST WANTED TO TELL HIM
THERE WERE NO HARD FEELINGS.
GETTING HASLER BEHIND BARS
IS ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME,
NO MATTER HOW IT HAPPENS.
OH, WELL,
THAT CERTAINLY IS --
[ DOOR OPENS ]
THERE'S NOTHIN' IN THERE.
WELL, HELLO THERE,
BARDOLI.
BEEN LOOKIN' FOR YOU.
I WAS JUST HOPIN'
WE COULD GET TOGETHER
ON ANOTHER CAPER SOMETIME.
MEANTIME, IF YOU'RE
EVER UP MY WAY,
BE SURE AND LOOK ME UP.
NAME'S IN THE BOOK.
UNDER "FEARLESS."
WELL, I'LL BE
RUNNING ALONG.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, BE SURE
AND DO STOP BY
AND SEE US SOMETIME.