The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 2, Episode 24 - The County Nurse - full transcript

HI.

HI.

GUESS YOU'RE WONDERIN'
WHAT I'M DOING.

UH, YEAH, I WONDER
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

KARATE.

KARATE?

KARATE.

WHAT'S KARATE?

ANCIENT FORM
OF SELF-DEFENSE--

PRIMITIVE, VICIOUS.

YOU KNOW WHAT KIND
OF WEAPONS WE USE?



NO.

NONE. JUST THESE.

JUST THE HANDS?

THIS IS THE MOST
DEADLY FORM OF ATTACK

KNOWN TO MAN.

MAKES JUDO LOOK
LIKE CHILD'S PLAY.

AS FOR BOXING

I'D HATE TO SEE
WHAT'D HAPPEN

TO JOE LOUIS OR
ROCKY MARCIANO

IF THEY EVER
TRIED TO TANGLE

WITH ONE OF
US KARATE MEN.

THEN YOU'RE A EXPERT.

UH, WELL, NO.

I MEAN, I JUST GOT
THE BOOK THIS MORNING.



BUT I WILL BE AN
EXPERT BEFORE LONG.

ANDY, THIS IS
JUST FASCINATING.

YOU KNOW WHERE MOST OF
THE KARATE MOVES COME FROM?
NO.

FROM ANIMALS.
FROM ANIMALS?

[ SHRIEKS ]

KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

THAT'S A HAWK,

CLAWING WITH
ITS DEADLY TALON.

OH, DEADLY TALONS,
OH.

YEAH.
NOW WATCH THIS.

YOU BETTER MOVE OUT,
MOVE OUT OF THE WAY.

MOVE? OH.

[ GRUNTS ]

I GOT YOU.

KNOW WHAT ANIMAL
THAT IS?

I AIN'T GOT
THE FIRST NOTION.

THAT'S THE BULL ELK.

SEE, HE'S STRIKING WITH
HIS MIGHTY CLOVEN HOOVES.

OH, I SEE, OH.

GUESS WHAT ANIMAL THIS IS.

READY?

WHAT IS IT?

I DON'T KNOW.

GUESS.

A WORM?

ANDY!

WELL, IT WAS WIGGLING.

HEY, THIS IS A DEADLY ANIMAL,
VICIOUS, A KILLER!

A MAD WORM?

IT'S A RATTLESNAKE!

SSS! SSS!
SEE?

OH, YEAH, IT'S AS PLAIN
AS CAN BE,

ONCE YOU PUT THE HISS IN,
SCARY, TOO.

YOU BET IT IS!

ANDY, THESE MOVES
ARE JUST DEVASTATING!

AND YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE IN KARATE

WE REALLY BUILD
THESE HANDS UP

TILL THE EDGES
ARE JUST LIKE STEEL.

LIKE STEEL.

WITH ONE BLOW, ANDY,
WE CAN SPLIT A PLANK.

NO, YOU CAN'T.

NO!

( thud )

HURT YOUR HAND, BARN?

MM-MMM.

HI, FELLAS.

WELL, HOWDY, MARY.

HOW'S EVERY LITTLE THING
IN THE COUNTY NURSIN' GAME?

NOT BAD.

HOW'S IT WITH
THE LAW AND ORDER BOYS?

OH, BARNEY'S
AN EXPERT ON KARATE

AND HE WAS
JUST SHOWING ME

HOW HE CAN SPLIT A PLANK
WITH ONE BLOW.

( yelling )

OH, HI, MARY.

HOW'S EVERY
LITTLE THING

IN THE COUNTY
NURSIN' GAME?

NOT BAD.

HOW'S IT WITH
THE LAW AND ORDER BO...?

I'VE GOT THE FEELING

THAT WE'VE ALL BEEN
THROUGH THIS BEFORE.

HOW'S THAT HAND OF YOURS
COMING ALONG?

OH, IT'S FINE. FINE.

WHAT BRINGS YOU
AROUND THESE PARTS?

WELL, I'M ON MY WAY
UP TO RAFE HOLLISTER'S PLACE.

YOU GOT DEALINGS WITH RAFE?

YOU KNOW THAT DRIVE THAT'S ON

TO GET EVERYBODY INOCULATED
AGAINST TETANUS?

YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA MAKE
RAFE HOLLISTER TAKE A SHOT?

BOY, THAT'LL BE THE DAY.

RAFE DON'T HOLD MUCH
WITH DOCTORIN'.

THAT'S WHAT I'VE HEARD

BUT IF I DON'T GET
RAFE HOLLISTER

I WON'T GET ANY
OF THE FARMERS UP THAT WAY.

HE'S A LEADER OF
THAT GROUP UP THERE.

Barney:
YOU MIGHT AS WELL
FORGET IT...

WAIT. RAFE HOLLISTER
HASN'T HAD HIS SHOT?

NO.

OH, WELL, RAFE WILL HAVE
TO TAKE HIS SHOT.

OH, YES, RAFE HOLLISTER

WILL TAKE A SHOT

AND WE'LL GET THAT WHOLE CROWD
UP THERE TO TAKE A SHOT.

I'LL HELP YOU.

IT'S IMPORTANT THAT EVERYBODY
GET THEIR TETANUS SHOT.

RIGHT, BARN?

OH, YES, IT'S
REAL IMPORTANT.

YEAH, BOY.

WELL, THANK YOU.

THAT'S REAL SWEET OF YOU
TO HELP ME OUT.

WELL, ANDY'S
REAL SWEET THAT WAY.

OH, LISTEN,
ANYTHING WE CAN DO.

GOT TO GET FOLKS
TO TAKE THEIR SHOTS.

JUST ANYTHING AT ALL.

I'LL DRIVE YOU UP THERE.

WONDERFUL.

I'VE GOT SOME THINGS
TO PICK UP AT THE DRUGSTORE

SO I'LL BE BACK HERE
IN TEN MINUTES.

FINE.

YOU'RE A DEAR.

THAT THERE IS A FINE GIRL.

YES, SIR.

THAT'S A FINE GIRL.

UH-HUH.

* FOR IT WAS MARY

* MARY...

YES, SIR. A FINE GIRL.

DOING A FINE JOB,
WORKS HARD ALL THE TIME

TRYIN' TO HELP FOLKS
STAY HEALTHY.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING--

WE'RE LUCKY TO HAVE HER,
I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

* ...THEY SAY MARIE

* BUT IT WAS MARY...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HUH? OH, NOTHING.

I WAS JUST LISTENING
TO YOU GO ON AND ON

ABOUT THAT FINE GIRL.

AIN'T IT JUST FINE

THAT SHE'S GOT
SUCH A FINE SHERIFF

TO HELP HER OUT
WITH HER FINE WORK?

A LITTLE SUGAR--

THAT DIDN'T
HURT NONE, DID IT?

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

THAT LITTLE KISSY
ON THE JAW--

THAT FELT KINDA GOOD,
DIDN'T IT?

IT FELT BETTER
THAN A MULE'S NOSE.

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD,
ISN'T IT?

YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S
GOT ANYTHING TO DO WITH...?

OH, NO. I JUST THINK
YOU WANNA HELP HER OUT

BECAUSE YOU WANT

TO SEE EVERYBODY
STAY NICE AND HEALTHY.

IT'S GOOD TO BE HEALTHY.

IT'S VERY GOOD
TO BE HEALTHY.

AND IT'S IMPORTANT

THAT RAFE GET
ALL THEM SHOTS

AND YOU OUGHTA HELP.

THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT
OUGHTA GET IN AND HELP.

IT'S A GOOD THING
SHE AIN'T CAMPAIGNIN'

FOR FOLKS TO GET
THEIR EYES EXAMINED.

HOW'S THAT?

ONE KISS ON YOUR JAW

AND WE'D ALL BE
WEARIN' GLASSES.

OH, COME ON, BARNEY.

IF SHE EVER KISSED YOU
ON THE MOUTH

WE'D ALL HAVE TO HAVE
OUR APPENDIX TAKEN OUT.

YOU'RE A NUT.

WELL, THERE IT IS.

UH...MARY, MAYBE I'D BETTER
KIND OF CARRY THE BALL.

I MEAN, WITH A FELLOW
LIKE RAFE,

YOU DON'T JUST
WALK RIGHT UP

AND SAY, "LET ME GIVE YOU
A TETANUS SHOT."

[ CHUCKLING ]

YOU HAVE TO MAKE HIM
TRUST YOU FIRST.

GAIN HIS CONFIDENCE.

WELL, YOU SNEAK UP ON HIM,
IS WHAT YOU DO.

OKAY.

UH, YOU KNOW,
I-I DON'T KNOW

A WHOLE LOT
ABOUT TETANUS.

IF I'M GONNA HELP HIM,
MAYBE I'D BETTER

KNOW A LITTLE BIT
MORE ABOUT IT.

YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?

WELL, I'D BETTER, SO AS I KNOW
WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

WELL...

THE FIRST SYMPTOM
IS USUALLY STIFFNESS

IN THE BACK OF THE NECK.

YOU SEE, THE MUSCLES ARE

IN A CONTINUOUS STATE
OF CONTRACTION, AND --

YOU SAY THERE'S STIFFNESS
IN THE BACK OF THE NECK?

YES, NOW, THIS MUSCULAR
CONTRACTION IS --

WHEREABOUTS IS THAT?

IN THE BACK OF THE NECK.

UH, YOU WANT TO SHOW ME,
SO THAT I CAN SHOW RAFE?

IT'S RIGHT HERE.

RIGHT BACK THERE, HUH?

THAT'S INTERESTING.

OH, IS THAT
RAFE HOLLISTER?

UH, YEAH, THAT'S RAFE.

WELL, YOU THINK WE'D BETTER
GO TALK TO HIM?

UM, YEAH.

WE'D BETTER
GO TALK TO HIM.

SHOO! SHOO!

HOWDY, RAFE.

ANDY.

RAFE, MEET
MISS MARY SIMPSON,

OUR COUNTY NURSE.

MISS SIMPSON, THIS HERE
IS RAFE HOLLISTER.

HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?

NURSE, HUH?

WE DON'T NEED ANY NURSE.

NOBODY GETS SICK UP HERE.

THERE'S ALWAYS THAT LITTLE
BITTY CHANCE THAT THEY MIGHT.

IF THEY WAS TO,

IT'D BE MIGHTY FINE
TO HAVE MISS SIMPSON AROUND.

DON'T MEAN NOTHING
TO ME.

I AIN'T NEVER BEEN
TO THE DOCTOR IN MY LIFE.

Mary:
NOT EVER?

WHEN I WAS BORN,
I HAD MY MAMA

AND WHEN I DIE,
I'LL HAVE THE UNDERTAKER.

I DON'T SEE NO SENSE IN
CLUTTERIN' THINGS UP IN BETWEEN.

RAFE, THERE AIN'T NO SENSE
IN CHEATIN' YOURSELF

OUT OF SOMETHIN'
YOU MIGHT NEED.

CHEAT MYSELF?

YES, SIR. GOING
OVER MY RECORDS...

MARY, MAYBE WE MIGHT JUST
HOLD THAT FOR JUST A MINUTE

AND SHOW RAFE SOME
OF THE FINE THINGS

THE WORLD OF MEDICINE'S
COME UP WITH

HE MIGHT NOT
HAVE HEARD ABOUT.

LOOK HERE, RAFE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

THAT'S THERE'S
A THERMOMETER.

I GOT ONE OF THEM
ON MY HENHOUSE, ONLY BIGGER.

THIS HERE'S
A THERMOMETER FOR PEOPLE--

LETS 'EM KNOW
WHEN THEY GOT A FEVER.

I KNOW WHEN
I GOT A FEVER.

I'M HOT.

THIS LETS
YOU KNOW HOW HOT.

I KNOW HOW HOT I AM
WHEN I'M HOT--

DANG HOT.

YOU SAID YOU ALL WERE
NEVER SICK UP HERE.

BALLS O' FIRE.

BEING HOT AIN'T SICK.

SOONER OR LATER,
YOU'RE BOUND TO GET COLD AGAIN.

OF COURSE, IF YOU GET TOO COLD,
YOU'RE DEAD,

BUT YOU DON'T NEED NO
THERMOMETER TO TELL YOU THAT.

YEAH.

UH, LOOK HERE, RAFE.

HERE'S SOME OTHER STUFF.

OH, HERE'S SOMETHIN'.

KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

NO.

THAT'S A STETHOSCOPE.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT DOES?

NO.

LETS YOU HEAR
YOUR HEART BEAT.

WANNA HEAR
YOUR HEART BEAT?

I KNOW MY
HEART'S BEATIN'.

WELL, YEAH...

I'M ALIVE, AIN'T I?

WELL, YEAH.

WELL, THEN MY
HEART'S BEATIN'.

WELL, LISTEN
TO IT BEAT, RAFE.

PUT THESE TWO ENDS
IN YOUR EAR THERE.

STICK 'EM RIGHT IN THERE.

THEY WON'T HURT YOU.

NOW, LISTEN, LISTEN.

HUH? HOW 'BOUT THAT?

LISTEN TO MINE.

HUH?

WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THAT, RAFE?

ALL RIGHT, NOW WE KNOW
WE'RE BOTH ALIVE.

YEAH.

UH, RAFE,

MISS SIMPSON'S GOT ONE
OTHER THING TO SHOW YOU HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

LOOKS LIKE SOMETHIN'
FOR SIPHONIN' CIDER.

YES. NOW, THIS
WON'T HURT A BIT

AND IT'LL BE
REAL GOOD FOR YOU.

JUST ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE.

YOU AIN'T GONNA
STICK THAT IN ME.

YOU'VE NEVER HAD
A TETANUS SHOT.

YOUNG LADY, YOU
CAN PUT THAT THING
AWAY RIGHT NOW.

I AIN'T NEVER
BEEN JABBED

AND I AIN'T
FIXIN' TO BE.

GOODBYE.

AND TAKE THESE.

I'VE HEARD ALL
I WANNA HEAR.

EVERY TIME I THINK
ABOUT THAT STUBBORN

MOUNTAIN ATTITUDE
TOWARD MEDICINE

I COULD JUST
KICK SOMETHING.

NOW, MARY,
IF YOU FROWN LIKE THAT

YOUR FACE IS LIABLE
TO GROW THAT WAY.

OH, IT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD

IF I HADN'T GONE OUT
ON A LIMB THE WAY I DID.

BUT I PROMISED MY SUPERVISOR

THAT I'D GET A HUNDRED PERCENT
COOPERATION ON THOSE SHOTS.

I SURE AM GONNA
LOOK LIKE A FOOL.

WELL, WE AIN'T
GONNA GIVE UP YET.

JUST BE PATIENT.

I PROMISE...

( telephone rings )

EXCUSE ME.

SHERIFF TAYLOR SPEAKING.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

I HAVE TO GO UP
TO THE MAYOR'S OFFICE.

IF YOU'LL WAIT,
I'LL COME RIGHT BACK.

OKAY.

( door closing )

WHAT HAPPENED?

RAFE HOLLISTER
TURN YOU DOWN, DID HE?

WANT ME TO TAKE YOU
BACK UP THERE?

WHAT?

UP TO RAFE HOLLISTER'S
TO GIVE HIM HIS SHOT?

OH, BARNEY, IF ANDY
COULDN'T DO ANYTHING WITH HIM...

AND YOU KNOW WHY ANDY
COULDN'T DO ANYTHING WITH HIM?

BECAUSE ANDY'S TOO SOFT.

NOW, RAFE HOLLISTER'S
LIKE A CHILD

AND HE'S GOT TO BE TREATED
LIKE ONE.

YOU DON'T BEG A CHILD
TO DO SOMETHING, YOU TELL HIM.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

BARNEY, YOU REALLY THINK...?

COME ON!

ARE YOU SURE?

SURE, I'M SURE.

I'LL MAKE HIM TAKE HIS SHOT.

JUST DON'T DO ANYTHING
TO GET RAFE HOLLISTER ANGRY.

DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT IT.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

NOW, YOU JUST LEAVE
EVERYTHING TO ME, MARY.

I'LL HANDLE THIS BABY.

RAFE?

RAFE HOLLISTER.

DEPUTY FIFE HERE.

COME ON OUT.

WHAT YOU WANT, BARNEY?

AND WHAT'S THAT NURSE
DOIN' BACK HERE?

SHE CAME OUT HERE
TO GIVE YOU YOUR SHOT.

STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD

AND COME OUT HERE
AND GET IT.

WHAT?!
YOU HEARD ME.

HERE! RIGHT NOW!

ALL RIGHT,
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU

EXACTLY THREE TO GET OUT HERE.

ONE...

TWO...

THREE.

AND I'LL GIVE YOU EXACTLY THREE

TO GET OFF OF MY PROPERTY.

NOW SEE HERE, RAFE...

ONE...

TWO...

DURN FOOL, HE DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW TO COUNT TO THREE.

BARNEY, HE SHOT AT YOU.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I JUST WANTED TO
GET YOU TO SAFETY.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL
BE BACK, RAFE!

YOU'RE IN TROUBLE, FELLA--

BIG TROUBLE!

OKAY, BUDDY, YOU
JUST THREW AWAY

ANY CHANCE YOU
HAD FOR LENIENCY.

YOU'RE IN TROUBLE
IS WHAT YOU ARE!

BIG TROUBLE!

I'M SO SORRY, ANDY,
IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE AGREED
TO GO BACK UP THERE.

AND I COULDN'T TAKE A CHANCE
ON RAFE GETTIN' HURT.

I MEAN, I FIGURED
IT WAS BETTER

IF ME AND YOU WENT UP LATER
AND TOOK HIM IN ONE PIECE.

AND WE'RE GOIN' TO
HAVE TO TAKE HIM...

ME AND YOU.

WE CAN'T HAVE RAFE
SHOOTIN' AT PEOPLE.

LET'S GO GET HIM.

I BETTER GET MY
BULLET AND LOAD UP.

THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.

BUT, ANDY, HE'S A
MAD DOG, A KILLER!

WELL, NOW,
DON'T MAKE RAFE

OUT TO BE A MONSTER.

I'M SURE WE'LL BRING HIM IN
WITHOUT ANY TROUBLE.

I'LL GO GET
THE CAR READY.

WE BETTER GET
RIGHT UP THERE.

OKAY.

AREN'T YOU EVEN GOING
TO TAKE A GUN?

WELL, NO, I DON'T FIGURE
ON DOIN' ANY SHOOTIN'.

DON'T YOU GET HURT UP THERE.

I WON'T.

BE BACK AFTER AWHILE.

BE CAREFUL, ANDY.

YOU'RE A SITTING...

SEE?! HE'S A MAD DOG!

STAY BACK, ANDY.

DON'T USE THAT TONE OF VOICE

TO ME, RAFE HOLLISTER,

AND PUT THAT GUN DOWN!A

DON'T COME NO CLOSER, ANDY.

I'LL SHOOT!

I MEAN IT!

NOW, ANDY...

AREN'T YOU ASHAMED
OF YOURSELF?

WELL, DOG-GONE IT, ANDY,
WHAT'D YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?

JUST LET YOU
COME AND TAKE ME?

I TOLD YOU
TO STAY OUT OF HERE.

RAFE, I'M GONNA
HAVE TO ARREST YOU.

YOU BEEN SHOOTIN'
AT PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW THAT'S
AGAINST THE LAW.

GIVE HIMSELF UP, DID HE?

I FIGURED HE WOULD ONCE HE SEEN
HE WAS OVERPOWERED.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
PLAYIN' WITH-- THE BOY SCOUTS?

COME ON, MOVE. MOVE!

ANDY, YOU KEEP HER AWAY FROM ME.

EASY, NOW, RAFE.

AIN'T NOBODY GOIN' TO MAKE YOU
TAKE A SHOT

AGAINST YOUR WILL.

OF COURSE NOT, BUT...

IF I COULD
JUST MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND

HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS.

NOT TO ME, BUT TO YOURSELF
AND YOUR FAMILY

AND TO YOUR FRIENDS.

WHY, THIS COULD SAVE
YOUR LIFE ONE DAY,

OR ONE
OF YOUR CHILDREN.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO THINK
ABOUT YOURSELF,

YOU THINK ABOUT THEM.

I DONE ALL RIGHT
AFORE YOU COME AROUND

AND I'M DOIN' ALL RIGHT NOW.

I'M TELLIN' YOU
FOR THE LAST TIME

I AIN'T TAKIN' NO SHOTS!

HE SURE IS HARDHEADED.

NOW-NOW, YOU REMEMBER
WHAT I SAID.

I-IF YOU FROWN LIKE THAT

YOUR FACE IS LIABLE
TO GROW TO IT.

SEE? YEAH, A LITTLE...
A LITTLE BIT MORE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S A WHOLE LOT BETTER.

NOW, WE WON'T GIVE UP YET.

NO. WE WON'T
GIVE UP A BIT.

I'LL TALK TO YA
AFTER AWHILE.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, HOW 'BOUT THAT COFFEE?

COMIN' RIGHT UP, RAFE.

AIN'T NOTHIN' LIKE A
GOOD, HOT CUP OF COFFEE

TO STRAIGHTEN A
FELLA OUT, IS THERE?

( chuckles )

YEAH, BOY.

HELP YOURSELF.

THANK YOU.

YEAH.

YOU MAKE GOOD COFFEE, ANDY.

MUCH OBLIGED, RAFE.

YOU MAKE GOOD SENSE.

HUH?

NOT LETTIN' THAT NURSE
GIVE YOU THAT SHOT.

I CAN SEE NOW WHERE
YOU WAS 100% RIGHT.

YOU CAN?

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

I UNDERSTAND NOW
WHY YOU'RE DOIN' IT.

YOU DO?
YEAH.

IF YOU WAS TO LET HER
GIVE YOU THAT SHOT

SEE, YOU'D BE PASSIN' UP
YOUR CHANCE FOR IMMORTALITY.

YOU DANG RIGHT, I WOULD.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

"IMMORTALITY"?

WELL, THAT MEANS

BEIN' FAMOUS LIKE COLUMBUS
OR GEORGE WASHINGTON

OR SOME OF THEM.

HUH?

OH, WELL, SEE,
THEY WAS FAMOUS.

THEY WAS FAMOUS FOR,
FOR DOIN' GREAT DEEDS

AND THAT'S WHAT
YOU'LL BE, TOO. YEAH.

AFTER YOU'RE DEAD.

AFTER I'M DEAD?!

YEAH. HOW IT'LL HAPPEN PROBABLY

ONE DAY YOU'LL-YOU'LL
GET, UH, CUT BY A RUSTY SAW

OR A ANIMAL WILL BITE YA,
OR SOMETHIN' LIKE THAT

AND NOT HAVIN' THE SHOT,
WELL, YOU'LL BE A CINCH TO GO...

JUST LIKE THAT.

I WILL?

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

THAT'S WHERE THE
GREAT DEED COMES IN.

SEE, BY DYIN', IT'LL SERVE
AS A LESSON TO THE OTHERS

NOT TO NEGLECT THEIR SHOTS.

IT WILL?

OH, YEAH,
GOT TO, GOT TO.

I CAN JUST SEE THEM NEIGHBORS

AND KINFOLKS OF YOURS RIGHT NOW.

THEY'LL BE SAYIN'...
THEY'LL SAY

"DID YOU HEAR
WHAT HAPPENED TO RAFE?

"POOR SOUL,
HE CUT HISSELF

"AND WENT JUST
LIKE THAT...

( snaps fingers )

...MOANIN' AND GROANIN'
AND SUFFERIN'."

THEY'LL SAY, "IT AIN'T
GONNA HAPPEN TO ME.

"I'M GOIN' DOWN THERE
AT THAT COUNTY NURSE

AND GET ME THAT GOOD SHOT
RIGHT NOW!"

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE...

AND THE FUNERAL
YOU'LL HAVE.

FUNERAL?

OH, YEAH.

IT'LL BE THE BIGGEST THING
MAYBERRY'S EVER SEEN.

OH, YES, THEY'LL BE TALKS

AND EULOGIES...

AND WHILE THE FOLKS
ARE FILIN' BY,

PAYIN' THEIR LAST RESPECTS...

LOOKIN' DOWN AT YA...

...IF I AIN'T TOO BROKE UP,

I MIGHT SING A
SONG OVER YA--

A SONG JUST FOR YOU.

( strums minor chord )

* DIG MY GRAVE

* WITH A SILVER SPADE

* DIG MY GRAVE WIDE AND DEEP

* DIG MY GRAVE
WITH A SILVER SPADE *

* BURY ME
'NEATH THE WILLER TREE *

* PLACE MY GRAVE
ON A SNOW-WHITE HILL *

* COVER ME OVER WITH SOD

* TELL 'EM I DIED
TO SAVE 'EM ALL *

* TELL MY WIFE TO MARRY AGAIN.

DON'T THAT CLUTCH YA?

AND LATER, AFTER THE FUNERAL,

THEY MIGHT EVEN PUT A STATUE
UP TO YA

DOWN AT THE
TOWN SQUARE--

A FIGURE OF YOU SLUMPING
AS YOU BREATHE YOUR LAST.

AT THE UNVEILIN'
CEREMONIES

I MIGHT SING THAT SONG
TO YA AGAIN.

TOO BAD YOU WON'T BE THERE
TO ENJOY IT.

( strums minor chord )

JUST A MINUTE!

JUST A MINUTE!

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT?

ANDY, I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

BUT-BUT YOU'LL
BE A DEAD HERO.

I DON'T WANT TO BE
A DEAD HERO.

I WANT TO BE A LIVE ME.

WELL, RAFE, MAYBE I HAD YOU
FIGURED WRONG WHEN YOU REFUSED

TO TAKE THE SHOT.

WHO WON'T TAKE THE SHOT?

I'LL TAKE THE SHOT.

JUST YOU GO FETCH
THAT COUNTY NURSE.

WELL, RAFE,
ARE YOU SURE?

SHE'S GONNA JAB YA.

I DON'T CARE.

MY DADDY LIVED TO BE 100

AND I DON'T AIM
TO BREAK THE TRADITION.

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

TOO BAD, THOUGH...

YOU'D A MADE A FINE STATUE.

THERE WE ARE.

THAT ALL?

THAT'S ALL
THERE IS TO IT.

WELL, THAT
WASN'T SO BAD.

WELL, OF COURSE NOT.

HERE, I'LL RUB OFF
THE ALCOHOL FOR YOU.

NO, NO. LEAVE IT THERE.

I LIKE THE SMELL.

( chuckles )

I CAN'T TELL YOU
HOW DELIGHTED I AM.

I JUST HOPE NOW

I CAN GET ALL THE OTHERS
UP IN YOUR DISTRICT.

WELL, LITTLE LADY,
YOU JUST COME ON UP.

I'LL HAVE 'EM
ALL READY FOR YA.

OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

WELL, I'LL JUST
CHECK OFF YOUR NAME NOW.

YOU SPELL IT
WITH TWO "L"s, RIGHT?

YOU'VE DONE A
FINE THING, RAFE.

YOU OUGHT
TO FEEL PROUD.

I DO!

Barney: YOU OUGHT TO FEEL
A LITTLE ASHAMED, TOO.

A GROWN-UP
MAKIN' SUCH A TO-DO

OVER A LITTLE THING
LIKE A SHOT.

SOMETIMES IT'S THE BIG ONES
THAT MAKE THE WORST BABIES.

WELL, I'M GLAD
I CAUGHT THIS.

CAUGHT WHAT?

WELL, IT'S YOUR NAME, BARNEY.

WHAT ABOUT MY NAME?

WELL, IT ISN'T CHECKED OFF.

YOU HAVEN'T HAD
YOUR TETANUS SHOT.

WHAT?

WHY, WE MIGHT AS WELL

GET IT OVER WITH RIGHT NOW.

ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE.

OH, WELL, NOW,
WAIT A MINUTE!

HOW DO YOU KNOW
IT HASN'T BEEN CHECKED OFF?

MAYBE THERE'S BEEN
SOME MISTAKE.

OH, THERE'S NO MISTAKE.

BUT MAYBE THE INK FADED
OR SOMETHING.

THE INK FADED?

WELL, SURE.

WE OUGHT NOT TO RUSH
INTO A THING LIKE THIS.

YOU OUGHT TO INVESTIGATE IT
AND MAKE SURE.

WE'RE SURE,
WE'RE SURE.

COME ON, MARY.

( sighs )

THANK HEAVENS THAT'S OVER.

BARNEY, THAT WAS
JUST THE ALCOHOL.

THAT WAS JUST THE WHA...?