The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 2, Episode 2 - Barney's Replacement - full transcript
The State's Attorneys Office sends Bob Rogers to Mayberry to work with Andy as a deputy and learn about law enforcement. This doesn't sit well with Barney who feels that Andy has been displeased with his performance and picking on him lately. It isn't long before Barney begins to feel useless and unwanted around the office and offers up his resignation.
"WANTED FOR ARMED ROBBERY."
MMM.
GET YOUNGER EVERY YEAR,
DON'T THEY?
YEAH.
ANDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M JUST GONNA POST THIS
ON THE BULLETIN BOARD
IF I CAN FIND A PLACE.
WELL, I'LL HANDLE THAT.
IT'S NO TROUBLE.
I CAN GET IT.
YOU PUT ME IN CHARGE
OF THE BULLETIN BOARD.
WHEN YOU PUT SOMEBODY
IN CHARGE OF SOMETHING
YOU OUGHT TO LET
THEM HANDLE IT.
OKAY.
PUT IT OVER THERE
ON THE DESK
AND WHEN I FINISH
CLEANING UP
I'LL POST IT.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S THAT
DOING UP THERE?
THAT'S A DESPERATE CRIMINAL,
ANDY.
HE'S ONLY WANTED
IN SEVEN STATES.
HE WAS PICKED UP
OVER TWO WEEKS AGO.
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
SURE I'M SURE.
IT WAS ON THE TV.
I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO.
OH, WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA GO
BY JUST THAT...
ME, I LIKE TO WAIT
FOR THE OFFICIAL VERIFICATION.
THAT'S OFFICIAL ENOUGH.
WHEN A CRIMINAL'S BEEN CAUGHT
THERE'S NO POINT IN KEEPING
HIS PICTURE ON THE BOARD.
JUST THE SAME, I'D LIKE TO WAIT
FOR THE OFFICIAL VERIFICATION.
OKAY.
I ALWAYS WAIT
FOR THE OFFICIAL VERIFICATION.
PUT ME IN CHARGE
OF THE BULLETIN BOARD
AND MY PROCEDURE'S ALWAYS BEEN
TO LEAVE THE POSTER UP
UNTIL I GET
THE OFFICIAL VERIFICATION.
HASN'T THAT BEEN
MY PROCEDURE?
YEAH. THAT'S-THAT'S
BEEN YOUR PROCEDURE.
THEN WE'LL WAIT
FOR THE OFFICIAL VERIFICATION.
OKAY, BUT OFFICIAL
VERIFICATION'LL COME
IN THE AFTERNOON MAIL.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
WHEN THE AFTERNOON MAIL COMES
I'LL OPEN THE ENVELOPE
TAKE OUT
THE OFFICIAL VERIFICATION
AND REMOVE THE POSTER
AT THAT TIME.
GOOD.
DO YOU WANT ME
TO TAKE IT DOWN NOW?!
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TAKE IT DOWN!
DON'T HAVE TO BLOW YOUR STACK.
I'M NOT BLOWING MY STACK,
BARNEY.
YEAH. I KNOW YOU, ANDY.
HI, BARNEY.
HI, OPE.
PAW, WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH BARNEY?
OH, HE'S JUST A
LITTLE EXCITED.
IT'S NOTHING.
SURE SEEMS LIKE SOMETHING.
HE'S SWEEPING CLEAR ON
DOWN THE STREET.
THAT'S GOOD.
IF HE SWEEPS AS FAR
AS THE DRUG STORE
MAYBE HE'LL GET
A BOTTLE OF POP
AND COOL OFF.
ALL READY FOR
SCHOOL, ARE YOU?
YEAH.
WELL, DO A
GOOD DAY'S WORK
AND ACT LIKE SOMEBODY.
I'LL SEE YOU.
BYE.
Andy: I SEE THAT STOP SIGN'S
STILL HANGING LOOSE.
YOU DIDN'T, UH, DIDN'T GET
A CHANCE TO FIX THAT?
NO. I'M WAITING
FOR THE WORK ORDER
FROM THE COUNTY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE
A WORK ORDER
TO HAMMER IN A LITTLE NAIL.
JUST THE SAME,
IF YOU DON'T MIND
I'D LIKE TO WAIT
FOR THE WORK ORDER.
WELL, MAYBE THE WORK ORDER
WILL COME IN THE AFTERNOON MAIL
ALONG WITH
THE OFFICIAL VERIFICATION.
LOOKS LIKE
WE GOT SOME COMPANY.
JUST PULL UP AS CLOSE
AS YOU CAN THERE IN BACK.
WHOOP. A LITTLE TOO CLOSE.
NOW YOU DON'T LIKE
THE WAY I DRIVE.
OKAY, OKAY. I'M SORRY.
YOU'VE BEEN PICKING ON ME.
BARNEY...
YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY
I RUN THE BULLETIN BOARD.
I DON'T GET THE SIGNS
FIXED FAST ENOUGH FOR YOU.
NOW IT'S MY DRIVING.
JUST PICK, PICK, PICK.
SHERIFF TAYLOR?
YES, SIR.
I'M BOB ROGERS
STATE ATTORNEY'S
OFFICE.
WELL, HOWDY DO.
SHAKE HANDS WITH
MY DEPUTY BARNEY FIFE.
STATE ATTORNEY'S
OFFICE, HUH?
THAT'LL BE
MY OLD FRIEND RALPH BAKER.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HE SENT ME DOWN HERE.
THIS LETTER WILL EXPLAIN WHY.
LET'S SEE HERE.
HMM.
WELL, THIS
IS UNUSUAL.
STATE ATTORNEY'S OFFICE
SENDING ME A DEPUTY.
NO STRINGS ATTACHED?
NONE. IT'S A PLAN
TO GIVE US LAWYERS
PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE
IN LAW ENFORCEMENT.
MR. BAKER FEELS I'D LEARN
QUITE A BIT WORKING UNDER YOU.
SO FAR,
MY KNOWLEDGE COMES FROM BOOKS.
I NEVER DISCOUNT
BOOK LEARNING
BUT WE WILL DO
WHAT WE CAN
TO SHOW YOU DAY-IN AND DAY-OUT
LAW ENFORCEMENT
HERE IN MAYBERRY.
IT'LL BE REAL NICE
HAVING AN EXTRA HAND
ON THE FORCE
WON'T IT, BARNEY?
OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT,
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!
CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM GOING OUT
AND GETTING
A REPLACEMENT FOR ME?
AW, HONEY, COULDN'T IT
BE A COINCIDENCE,
THAT EVERYTHING IS JUST
THE WAY ANDY SAYS IT IS?
MAYBE THIS MAN REALLY IS FROM
THE STATE ATTORNEY'S OFFICE.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, YESTERDAY HE'S PICKING AT
ME, NOT LIKING ANYTHING I DO,
AND TODAY A NEW
DEPUTY SHOWS UP.
AW, BARNEY.
LOOK, THELMA,
YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO
THIS IS NOT
A TWO-DEPUTY TOWN.
NO, THE SKIDS ARE
GREASED FOR YOURS TRULY.
I'M ON MY WAY OUT.
HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?
A WINK'S AS GOOD AS A NOD
TO A BLIND MULE.
HE'S DUMPING ME FOR SURE.
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE
ANDY WOULD DO A
THING LIKE THAT.
WELL, THEN, WHY IS HE
GROOMING A REPLACEMENT?
HE'S TAKING A GREEN KID,
A ROOKIE
AND EXPECTING ME TO TEACH HIM,
TO GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT
OF MY YEARS OF KNOWLEDGE
AND EXPERIENCE IN POLICE WORK.
WELL, IF HE THINKS...
WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
WHO SAYS BARNEY FIFE HAS TO TURN
HIS JOB OVER LIKE THIS?
TRAIN THIS KID TO BE
MY REPLACEMENT, WILL I?
NOT ON YOUR TINTYPE, SISTER.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA HOLD BACK.
HE'S GONNA HAVE TO SWIM ALONE.
AND BEFORE LONG,
YOU KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?
HE'S GONNA SINK.
Rogers: MORNING, DEPUTY.
OH, HI THERE, KID.
WELL, STUDYING
THE OLD BULLETIN BOARD, ARE YOU?
YEP.
SHE'S A LOT MORE
COMPLICATED
THAN SHE LOOKS.
I GUESS YOU'D
LIKE TO FIGURE OUT
HOW WE POST
THESE THINGS, HUH?
CHECKS AND
BALANCES WE USE
TO MAKE SURE
THERE'S NO SLIP-UPS.
WELL, I'M SORRY, KID
I JUST AIN'T GOT THE TIME
TO FILL YOU IN RIGHT NOW.
SO DARNED RUSHED.
TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH
JUST TRY ME
A LITTLE LATER ON
AND I'LL SEE WHAT
I CAN DO FOR YOU.
DON'T COUNT ON
ANYTHING, THOUGH.
I'M SO DARNED RUSHED.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.
I THINK I HAVE
IT FIGURED OUT.
YOU DO?
YEAH. I FOUND A SYSTEM
OUTLINED IN THE BOOK.
IN THE BOOK?
YEAH, A LAW
OFFICER'S MANUAL.
OH, IT'S A FINE BOOK.
COVERS EVERYTHING
BUT I DON'T HAVE
TO TELL YOU.
I'LL BET YOU KNOW IT
FROM COVER TO COVER.
OH, SURE, NATURALLY...
COVER TO COVER.
"A SIMPLE AND
EFFICIENT METHOD
"FOR KEEPING YOUR BULLETIN
BOARD UP TO DATE
"IS TO MAKE
A DAILY CHECK
"FOR ARRESTS
AND INCARCERATIONS
"AGAINST BULLETINS
ALREADY POSTED
THEREBY AVOIDING LAP-OVER
OF OUTDATED INFORMATION."
HEY.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A PRETTY GOOD SYSTEM.
LET ME SEE THAT.
WE SURE COULD HAVE
USED THIS THE OTHER DAY
WHEN BARNEY LEFT UP
THAT OLD POSTER.
YEAH. IT'S A GOOD SYSTEM,
AIN'T IT, BARNEY?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I AIN'T GOT THE TIME
TO STAND AROUND HERE
AND DISCUSS
TRIVIAL TRIVIALITIES.
I'M SO RUSHED.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, I'M JUST
POKING AROUND HERE,
TRYING TO FAMILIARIZE MYSELF
WITH THE EQUIPMENT.
THAT'S PRETTY DELICATE STUFF
TO BE HANDLED BY
SOMEBODY THAT'S
INEXPERIENCED.
SLIDE OVER, THERE.
I'LL CHECK YOU OUT ON IT.
OKAY, THANKS.
NOW, THIS IS
A TWO-WAY RADIO.
I'LL GIVE YOU A TECHNICAL
EXPLANATION HOW IT WORKS.
NOW, YOU TALK IN HERE...
AND YOU LISTEN IN HERE.
AND THAT'S
THE EXPLANATION.
WELL, THANKS.
THAT'S VERY INFORMATIVE.
WHAT'S THIS SWITCH HERE?
HEY, EASY.
I'D BE REAL CAREFUL
WITH THIS BABY.
THIS IS FOR THE SIREN.
IT'S NOT A TOY TO BE PLAYED
WITH, YOU UNDERSTAND?
RIGHT, I OPERATE
WITH EXTREME CARE.
ROGER, BUT NOW IF YOU DO
HAVE TO USE IT,
HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.
TAKE YOUR INDEX FINGER,
AND YOU FLIP IT
TO THE "ON."
[ SIREN WAILS ]
[Loudly] AND THEN
TO TURN IT OFF,
SAME FINGER, JUST FLIP IT
TO THE "OFF."
[ SIREN CONTINUES ]
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE
TURNING IT TO OFF?
OF COURSE I'M SURE!
I'VE TURNED THIS
ON AND OFF
A MILLION TIMES!
I KNOW HOW TO
TURN IT OFF!
THEN IT MUST BE STUCK!
[ SIREN CONTINUES ]
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
BARNEY?
OH, THIS DARN
SIREN IS STUCK!
YOU BETTER GET SOME PLIERS
AND A WIRE CUTTER!
IT'S NOT NECESSARY
TO CUT THE WIRES, DEPUTY.
OH, IT ISN'T, DEPUTY?
WELL, JUST HOW WOULD
YOU DO IT, DEPUTY?
MAY I BORROW THIS?
[ SIREN STOPS ]
WELL, I'LL BE DOGGED.
HOW'D YOU DO THAT?
JUST TAPPED
THE CONDENSER BOX.
WE LEARN SOMETHING EVERY DAY,
DON'T WE, BARNEY?
YEAH.
THAT WAS GOOD, BOB.
HEY, I MEANT TO TALK TO YOU.
YOU KNOW THAT WARRANT
THAT YOU SERVED THIS MORNING?
YEAH.
WELL, THAT WENT --
ALL RIGHT,
IT'S ALL OVER!
LET'S BREAK IT UP!
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
AIN'T YOU FOLKS
EVER SEEN A CONDENSER BOX
TAPPED?
SHERIFF, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO TAKE A LOOK
AT THIS CHART NOW?
YEAH. LET ME SEE
THAT THING.
BRING IT HERE.
WELL...
OH, HOWDY, BARNEY.
HELLO, DEPUTY.
HOWDY.
Andy: THERE'S A MESS
OF LINES HERE.
WHAT DO THEY
ALL MEAN?
THESE ARE THE
MONTHS HERE...
WHO'S BEEN MESSING UP
THE BULLETIN BOARD?
Andy: OH, ROGERS BROUGHT
IT UP TO DATE.
YEAH, WELL,
WHAT'S...
WHAT'S ALL THIS
STUFF OVER HERE?
WELL, IT WORKS
LIKE A GRAPH.
WHAT'S THAT?
A STATISTICAL CHART
COVERING THE PATTERN
OF CRIMES IN MAYBERRY
AND WITH THIS AS A BASIS
PREDICTING THE COURSE
OF LAW VIOLATIONS.
LIKE IT?
YEAH. IT'S PRETTY.
THAT IS REAL
GOOD-LOOKING
WITH ALL THE
CRAYOLA WORK
AND EVERYTHING ON IT
BUT I TELL
YOU THE TRUTH
WE DON'T GO IN TOO
MUCH FOR CHARTS.
WE MOSTLY WORK
WITH THE PEOPLE.
YEAH. THIS IS USUALLY
A BUNCH OF NONSENSE.
DON'T UNDERESTIMATE
STATISTICS.
SOMETIMES THEIR ACCURACY
CAN BE UNCANNY
ESPECIALLY IN THE FIELD
OF PREDICTION
ACCORDING
TO PAST PATTERNS.
FOR INSTANCE,
BEFORE THE MONTH IS OUT
I VENTURE TO SAY YOU'LL HAVE
12 TRAFFIC VIOLATIONS
THREE BREAKING
AND ENTERINGS
ONE WIFE-BEATING CASE...
"WIFE BEATING"?
NO, NO.
IF IT GOES ACCORDING
TO PAST PATTERNS
IT SHOULD HAPPEN.
THAT'S A LAUGH,
HUH, ANDY?
A CHART
PREDICTING CRIMES
LIKE IT WAS SOME KIND
OF A CRYSTAL BALL
OR SOMETHING.
[ PHONE RINGING ]
HELLO. SHERIFF
TAYLOR SPEAKING.
WHAT?
WELL, YEAH. I'LL-
I'LL-I'LL GET A MAN
RIGHT ON THAT.
MUCH OBLIGED, GRACE.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
YOUR CRYSTAL BALL
SEEMS TO BE WORKING.
ED SIMPKINS JUST GIVE HIS WIFE
"WHAT FOR."
WELL, I THOUGHT IT
WOULD HAPPEN THIS MONTH
BUT I DIDN'T FIGURE ON
THIS KIND OF TIMING.
I'LL GET RIGHT OUT
ON THE CASE, ANDY.
UH, BARNEY?
THIS IS KIND OF BOB'S CASE,
WOULDN'T YOU SAY?
SEEING AS HOW
HE PREDICTED IT AND ALL.
I THINK IT'D BE RIGHT
IF HE WAS THE ONE
THAT HANDLED IT.
YOU GOT THE KEYS
TO THE PATROL CAR?
THANK YOU, DEPUTY.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT
RIGHT AWAY, SHERIFF.
RIGHT, BOB.
THAT BOY'S GOT THE MAKINGS
OF A FINE LAWMAN, AIN'T HE?
YEAH.
YEAH.
HE'S A REGULAR BALL OF FIRE.
NO. I'M SURE OF IT.
THIS ROGERS IS OBVIOUSLY
A BETTER QUALIFIED MAN.
HE MAKES A BETTER DEPUTY.
I'M A FIFTH WHEEL
AND I KNOW IT.
WHY WOULDN'T ANDY
SAY SOMETHING TO YOU?
THAT'S THE WORST OF IT--
THE WAITING.
WHY DOESN'T HE SAY,
"BARNEY, YOU'RE THROUGH"?
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY
ANDY'S TOO GOOD A FRIEND
TO TELL YOU YOU'RE THROUGH.
SURE HE'S A FRIEND.
I KNOW THAT, BUT...
HEY, THAT'S WHY
HE HASN'T SAID ANYTHING.
HE I A FRIEND.
HE DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIRE ME.
HE CAN'T FIND THE WORDS.
WELL, MAYBE I CAN DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT.
MAYBE I'LL JUST FIND THE WORDS
FOR HIM.
BARNEY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, I'LL MAKE IT
EASY FOR HIM.
BARNEY FIFE
ISN'T WANTED SOMEPLACE
BARNEY FIFE DOESN'T STAY.
I'LL JUST BOW OUT.
BUT, BARNEY, BE SENSIBLE.
YOU CAN'T QUIT.
THIS IS THE WAY
I WANT IT.
BUT YOU CAN'T QUIT
THE SHERIFFING BUSINESS.
IT'S YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
IT IS BARNEY.
IT'S NOT
THE NEW MAN, IS IT?
WELL, TO TELL YOU
THE TRUTH, ANDY, IT IS.
YOU SEE, I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT THIS
FOR A LONG TIME
BUT, WELL, I DIDN'T WANT
TO LEAVE YOU SHORT-HANDED.
NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT
YOURSELF A GOOD MAN...
OH, BUT, BARNEY...
LOOK, YOU KNOW
THAT ME AND THELMA LOU
WILL BE GETTING HITCHED UP
PRETTY SOON.
WELL, I DON'T WANT HER WORRYING
EVERY TIME I LEAVE THE HOUSE.
YOU KNOW HOW GIRLS ARE
ABOUT A LAWMAN'S WORK.
YEAH.
WELL, I GUESS THIS IS IT THEN,
HUH, BARN?
WELL...
I SURE THOUGHT YOU'D BE
AROUND A WHOLE LOT LONGER.
I DON'T HARDLY
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
I'M GONNA MISS YOU.
[ CLEARING THROAT ]
WELL... I'M GONNA
MISS YOU, TOO, ANDY.
[ CLEARING THROAT ]
WELL, I...
I'LL, UH, I'LL BE
SEEING YOU AROUND.
WELL, BARNEY, WHAT'LL YOU DO?
OH, I GOT PLENTY OF PLANS.
DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT ME.
YEAH. I'M GONNA TAKE
A CRACK AT INDUSTRY--
YOU KNOW, GET INTO BIG BUSINESS.
YEAH.
YEAH. SHE'S A BIG COUNTRY
OUT THERE, ANDY.
I'M GONNA TAKE MY PLACE IN IT.
YOU'LL PROBABLY BE
HEARING ABOUT ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY?
THERE'S ROOM AT THE TOP.
I'LL SEE YA.
OH, GOOD MORNING,
MISS CLARA.
UH, PERMIT ME
TO DEMONSTRATE TO YOU
THE NEW MIRACLE SWEEP
VACUUM CLEANER
THE VERY FINEST ON THE MARKET.
I THINK THAT YOU WILL FIND...
WHAT'D YOU DO,
BARNEY, LOSE A BET?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
PRETENDING YOU'RE
A VACUUM CLEANER SALESMAN.
THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY.
I AIN'T MAKING BELIEVE, CLARA.
YOU LET ME IN AND I'LL SHOW YOU
I'M A SALESMAN.
BARNEY,
YOU'RE FUNNY
AND I'D LIKE TO PLAY ALONG
WITH YOUR LITTLE JOKE
BUT I'M AWFUL BUSY RIGHT NOW.
SEE YOU LATER.
BUT-BUT, CLARA...
AND AFTER YEARS
OF RESEARCH AND TESTING
UNDER SCIENTIFIC
CONDITIONS
THE NEW MIRACLE SWEEP
HAS PROVE TO BE
BEYOND ALL DOUBT
THE NUMBER ONE VACUUM CLEANER
IN AMERICA TODAY.
ANY QUESTIONS?
YES.
HOW COME YOU'RE NOT
IN YOUR DEPUTY UNIFORM?
BECAUSE I'M NOT A DEPUTY.
EMMA, I EXPLAINED ALL THAT.
I'M A VACUUM CLEANER SALESMAN.
YOU LOOK BETTER IN A UNIFORM.
I ALWAYS LIKED YOU--
EVEN IF YOU DID ARREST ME
THAT TIME FOR JAYWALKING--
BUT YOU SHOULD WEAR
YOUR UNIFORM.
EMMA, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?
I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO WEAR MY UNIFORM
BECAUSE I'M NOT A DEPUTY.
NOT A DEPUTY?
NO.
WELL, IF YOU'RE NOT A DEPUTY
YOU CERTAINLY HAD A LOT OF NERVE
ARRESTING ME FOR JAYWALKING.
HI THERE, ANDY.
WELL, HI, BARN.
HOW'S EVERYTHING?
FINE, FINE.
GOOD.
SELLING BUSINESS
ALL RIGHT, IS IT?
OH, IT COULDN'T
BE BETTER.
GOOD.
HOW'S THE SHERIFFING
BUSINESS?
OH, ABOUT LIKE USUAL.
JUST ABOUT LIKE USUAL.
ABOUT LIKE USUAL, HUH?
YEAH.
YEAH.
I SURE COULD USE YOU
BACK ON THE FORCE
IF YOU'RE READY
TO GIVE UP THIS NONSENSE.
WHAT, GIVE UP MY CAREER
JUST WHEN THINGS
ARE GOING GREAT?
BOY, OH, BOY, WOULDN'T
THAT BE A FOOL THING TO DO?
NO. I COULDN'T AFFORD
TO GIVE UP THIS INCOME, ANDY.
BOY, YOU REALLY MUST
BE MOVING THEM THINGS.
LET'S SEE
WHO YOU'RE SELLING THEM TO.
THIS THING'S FULL
OF EMPTY PAGES.
WELL... WELL, SURE.
THAT THERE'S
MY SECOND BOOK, ANDY.
I FILLED
THE FIRST BOOK UP ALREADY
AND I JUST STARTED ON THAT ONE.
IS THAT RIGHT?
YOU'LL BE A WEALTHY MAN
PRETTY SOON, WON'T YOU?
YEAH, YEAH.
THINGS IS GOING PRETTY GOOD
DOWN AT THE OFFICE THEN, HUH?
OH, FINE.
GOOD, GOOD.
HOW'S, UH...?
ROGERS?
ROGERS.
YEAH. HOW'S HE WORKING OUT?
FINE.
GOOD.
BARNEY, WHY DON'T YOU
COME BACK ON THE FORCE?
WELL, LOOK, ANDY, I
REALLY GOT TO BE GOING
BECAUSE I GOT A LOT OF
THESE LIVE PROSPECTS
WAITING FOR ME, YOU KNOW.
I'LL SEE YA.
OKAY. I'LL SEE YA.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M SURPRISED
AT YOU, ANDY--
BELIEVING THAT BARNEY
WANTED TO BE A SALESMAN.
WELL, HE CONVINCED ME.
I WANNA TELL YOU
THE TRUTH.
THAT BOY WEIGHS
ABOUT A HUNDRED POUNDS
AND I WOULD SWEAR
THAT 50 OF IT'S PROUD.
WELL, I WOULD'VE COME
AND TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT IT
BUT BARNEY MADE ME
PROMISE NOT TO.
MMM. PROUD, PROUD, PROUD,
PROUD, PROUD, PROUD.
WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO, ANDY?
WELL... I'LL HAVE
TO GET HIM BACK ON THE FORCE.
YES.
I... I DON'T KNOW HOW
BUT I RECKON I'LL JUST
HAVE TO THINK OF SOMETHING
WON'T I?
SHERIFF...
YEAH.
SURE WROTE UP A BOOK
FULL OF CITATIONS TODAY.
GOOD.
BY THE WAY, SHERIFF
I JUST SAW FIFE PEDDLING
HIS VACUUM CLEANERS.
YEAH?
WELL, I MEANT
TO ASK YOU--
DID FIFE GET HIS
LICENSE FROM YOU?
WHAT LICENSE?
THE LICENSE TO SELL
FROM DOOR-TO-DOOR--
YOU KNOW, THE GREEN
RIVER ORDINANCE.
NO.
WELL, SHERIFF,
IT'S A MISDEMEANOR.
I MEAN, IF YOU
WANT TO OVERLOOK IT
SINCE FIFE'S
A FRIEND OF YOURS...
OH, OH.
THE GREEN RIVER ORDINANCE.
OH, NO.
WE CAN'T LET PEOPLE
GO AROUND
VIOLATING THE GREEN
RIVER ORDINANCE.
NO, SIR.
YOU BETTER GO
PICK FIFE UP ON THAT.
RIGHT.
RIGHT.
THAT OUGHT TO DO IT.
THE GREEN RIVER WHAT?
THE GREEN RIVER ORDINANCE.
IT REQUIRES A LICENSE
TO PEDDLE DOOR-TO-DOOR.
I'M NOT SURPRISED
AT THIS, SHERIFF TAYLOR.
I KNEW FROM
STUDYING THAT CHART
THAT THERE HASN'T BEEN
AN OFFENSE OF THIS NATURE
IN MAYBERRY IN
THE PAST TEN YEARS.
NOW, IT JUST
DOESN'T FIGURE
THAT IN THAT TIME
THERE SHOULDN'T BE
A FEW VIOLATIONS.
WELL, I GUESS WE JUST
HAVEN'T BEEN THAT STRICT
WITH THE ENFORCEMENT.
WELL, THAT THROWS YOUR WHOLE
CRIME PICTURE OUT OF KILTER.
IT DOES?
CERTAINLY. WHY, JUST
LOOK AT YOUR CHART HERE.
CODE 304 NEVER ENFORCED.
NEVER. NOTHING THERE.
YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE AT LEAST
ONE REPRESENTATIVE CASE
TO BALANCE OUT YOUR
LAW ENFORCEMENT PICTURE
IN MAYBERRY,
OR WITHOUT IT
YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF
A VERY UNBALANCED CHART.
WELL, NOW I'VE
HEARD EVERYTHING.
SO THAT'S ALL
I AM, HUH?
JUST A FIGURE
ON A CHART.
YOU COMPLETELY IGNORE
THE FACT
THAT I'M A HUMAN BEING.
NOW, BARNEY...
NO, IT'S TRUE, ANDY.
AND YOU WANT
TO KNOW SOMETHING?
I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE FIT TO BE A DEPUTY.
YOU'RE SO WRAPPED UP
IN YOUR BOOKS AND YOUR CHARTS
THAT YOU'RE IGNORANT
ABOUT PEOPLE.
YOU WANNA KNOW
SOMETHING ELSE?
I AIN'T GONNA STAND BY
AND SEE THIS HAPPEN.
ANDY, I WITHDRAW
MY RETIREMENT.
I WANNA BE RESTORED
TO THE FORCE.
I'M GONNA FIGHT FOR MY JOB
BECAUSE I THINK
THAT I'M A WHOLE LOT
MORE QUALIFIED THAN...
WHAT'S THAT?
YOUR UNIFORM.
THANKS, ANDY.
YOU WON'T REGRET THIS.
AND YOU BETTER GIRD
YOUR LOINS, BUSTER
'CAUSE YOU GOT A FIGHT
ON YOUR HANDS.
FEISTY LITTLE
FELLA, ISN'T HE?
YEAH.
HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
YEAH. I EXPECT HE IS.
APPARENTLY, THERE'S A
LITTLE MORE TO SHERIFFING
THAN BOOKS AND CHARTS.
YEAH.
HEY, HEY, YOU KNOW
I NEVER HEARD
OF THE GREEN RIVER ORDINANCE.
WHAT IS THAT?
WELL, IN 1924, IN A LITTLE
TOWN CALLED GREEN RIVER
THERE WAS THIS...
THANK YOU FOR
EVERYTHING, SHERIFF.
IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE
MEETING YOU
AND WORKING WITH YOU.
ANY TIME WE
CAN BE OF HELP
TO THE STATE
ATTORNEY'S OFFICE
YOU LET US KNOW.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WRITING OUT A CITATION
FOR ILLEGAL PARKING.
THIS SPACE IS
FOR POLICE PARKING ONLY.
I'M A DEPUTY.
NOT ANYMORE YOU AIN'T.
NOT SINCE YOU TURNED
IN YOUR BADGE.
BUT I JUST PARKED...
IT'S JUST
A TECHNICALITY.
YOU'LL FIND IT
IN YOUR MANUAL.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO TEACH YOU
A LITTLE LESSON, SON.
DON'T NEVER TRY
TO GET TOO TECHNICAL
NOT WHEN YOU'RE DEALING
WITH PEOPLE.
SAVVY?
ROGER.
WELL, WE'LL
SEE YOU, BOB.
BE SURE AND SAY HELLO
TO RALPH FOR US.
I SURE WILL.
AND TELL HIM
IF HE EVER GETS DOWN THIS WAY
I'LL TAKE HIM FROG-GIGGIN'.
ONE DAY ALL THE PIECES
WILL FALL TOGETHER
AND YOU'LL SEE
THE BIG PICTURE.
WE'LL SEE YA.
MMM.
GET YOUNGER EVERY YEAR,
DON'T THEY?
YEAH.
ANDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M JUST GONNA POST THIS
ON THE BULLETIN BOARD
IF I CAN FIND A PLACE.
WELL, I'LL HANDLE THAT.
IT'S NO TROUBLE.
I CAN GET IT.
YOU PUT ME IN CHARGE
OF THE BULLETIN BOARD.
WHEN YOU PUT SOMEBODY
IN CHARGE OF SOMETHING
YOU OUGHT TO LET
THEM HANDLE IT.
OKAY.
PUT IT OVER THERE
ON THE DESK
AND WHEN I FINISH
CLEANING UP
I'LL POST IT.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S THAT
DOING UP THERE?
THAT'S A DESPERATE CRIMINAL,
ANDY.
HE'S ONLY WANTED
IN SEVEN STATES.
HE WAS PICKED UP
OVER TWO WEEKS AGO.
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
SURE I'M SURE.
IT WAS ON THE TV.
I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO.
OH, WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA GO
BY JUST THAT...
ME, I LIKE TO WAIT
FOR THE OFFICIAL VERIFICATION.
THAT'S OFFICIAL ENOUGH.
WHEN A CRIMINAL'S BEEN CAUGHT
THERE'S NO POINT IN KEEPING
HIS PICTURE ON THE BOARD.
JUST THE SAME, I'D LIKE TO WAIT
FOR THE OFFICIAL VERIFICATION.
OKAY.
I ALWAYS WAIT
FOR THE OFFICIAL VERIFICATION.
PUT ME IN CHARGE
OF THE BULLETIN BOARD
AND MY PROCEDURE'S ALWAYS BEEN
TO LEAVE THE POSTER UP
UNTIL I GET
THE OFFICIAL VERIFICATION.
HASN'T THAT BEEN
MY PROCEDURE?
YEAH. THAT'S-THAT'S
BEEN YOUR PROCEDURE.
THEN WE'LL WAIT
FOR THE OFFICIAL VERIFICATION.
OKAY, BUT OFFICIAL
VERIFICATION'LL COME
IN THE AFTERNOON MAIL.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
WHEN THE AFTERNOON MAIL COMES
I'LL OPEN THE ENVELOPE
TAKE OUT
THE OFFICIAL VERIFICATION
AND REMOVE THE POSTER
AT THAT TIME.
GOOD.
DO YOU WANT ME
TO TAKE IT DOWN NOW?!
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TAKE IT DOWN!
DON'T HAVE TO BLOW YOUR STACK.
I'M NOT BLOWING MY STACK,
BARNEY.
YEAH. I KNOW YOU, ANDY.
HI, BARNEY.
HI, OPE.
PAW, WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH BARNEY?
OH, HE'S JUST A
LITTLE EXCITED.
IT'S NOTHING.
SURE SEEMS LIKE SOMETHING.
HE'S SWEEPING CLEAR ON
DOWN THE STREET.
THAT'S GOOD.
IF HE SWEEPS AS FAR
AS THE DRUG STORE
MAYBE HE'LL GET
A BOTTLE OF POP
AND COOL OFF.
ALL READY FOR
SCHOOL, ARE YOU?
YEAH.
WELL, DO A
GOOD DAY'S WORK
AND ACT LIKE SOMEBODY.
I'LL SEE YOU.
BYE.
Andy: I SEE THAT STOP SIGN'S
STILL HANGING LOOSE.
YOU DIDN'T, UH, DIDN'T GET
A CHANCE TO FIX THAT?
NO. I'M WAITING
FOR THE WORK ORDER
FROM THE COUNTY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE
A WORK ORDER
TO HAMMER IN A LITTLE NAIL.
JUST THE SAME,
IF YOU DON'T MIND
I'D LIKE TO WAIT
FOR THE WORK ORDER.
WELL, MAYBE THE WORK ORDER
WILL COME IN THE AFTERNOON MAIL
ALONG WITH
THE OFFICIAL VERIFICATION.
LOOKS LIKE
WE GOT SOME COMPANY.
JUST PULL UP AS CLOSE
AS YOU CAN THERE IN BACK.
WHOOP. A LITTLE TOO CLOSE.
NOW YOU DON'T LIKE
THE WAY I DRIVE.
OKAY, OKAY. I'M SORRY.
YOU'VE BEEN PICKING ON ME.
BARNEY...
YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY
I RUN THE BULLETIN BOARD.
I DON'T GET THE SIGNS
FIXED FAST ENOUGH FOR YOU.
NOW IT'S MY DRIVING.
JUST PICK, PICK, PICK.
SHERIFF TAYLOR?
YES, SIR.
I'M BOB ROGERS
STATE ATTORNEY'S
OFFICE.
WELL, HOWDY DO.
SHAKE HANDS WITH
MY DEPUTY BARNEY FIFE.
STATE ATTORNEY'S
OFFICE, HUH?
THAT'LL BE
MY OLD FRIEND RALPH BAKER.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HE SENT ME DOWN HERE.
THIS LETTER WILL EXPLAIN WHY.
LET'S SEE HERE.
HMM.
WELL, THIS
IS UNUSUAL.
STATE ATTORNEY'S OFFICE
SENDING ME A DEPUTY.
NO STRINGS ATTACHED?
NONE. IT'S A PLAN
TO GIVE US LAWYERS
PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE
IN LAW ENFORCEMENT.
MR. BAKER FEELS I'D LEARN
QUITE A BIT WORKING UNDER YOU.
SO FAR,
MY KNOWLEDGE COMES FROM BOOKS.
I NEVER DISCOUNT
BOOK LEARNING
BUT WE WILL DO
WHAT WE CAN
TO SHOW YOU DAY-IN AND DAY-OUT
LAW ENFORCEMENT
HERE IN MAYBERRY.
IT'LL BE REAL NICE
HAVING AN EXTRA HAND
ON THE FORCE
WON'T IT, BARNEY?
OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT,
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!
CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM GOING OUT
AND GETTING
A REPLACEMENT FOR ME?
AW, HONEY, COULDN'T IT
BE A COINCIDENCE,
THAT EVERYTHING IS JUST
THE WAY ANDY SAYS IT IS?
MAYBE THIS MAN REALLY IS FROM
THE STATE ATTORNEY'S OFFICE.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, YESTERDAY HE'S PICKING AT
ME, NOT LIKING ANYTHING I DO,
AND TODAY A NEW
DEPUTY SHOWS UP.
AW, BARNEY.
LOOK, THELMA,
YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO
THIS IS NOT
A TWO-DEPUTY TOWN.
NO, THE SKIDS ARE
GREASED FOR YOURS TRULY.
I'M ON MY WAY OUT.
HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?
A WINK'S AS GOOD AS A NOD
TO A BLIND MULE.
HE'S DUMPING ME FOR SURE.
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE
ANDY WOULD DO A
THING LIKE THAT.
WELL, THEN, WHY IS HE
GROOMING A REPLACEMENT?
HE'S TAKING A GREEN KID,
A ROOKIE
AND EXPECTING ME TO TEACH HIM,
TO GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT
OF MY YEARS OF KNOWLEDGE
AND EXPERIENCE IN POLICE WORK.
WELL, IF HE THINKS...
WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
WHO SAYS BARNEY FIFE HAS TO TURN
HIS JOB OVER LIKE THIS?
TRAIN THIS KID TO BE
MY REPLACEMENT, WILL I?
NOT ON YOUR TINTYPE, SISTER.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA HOLD BACK.
HE'S GONNA HAVE TO SWIM ALONE.
AND BEFORE LONG,
YOU KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?
HE'S GONNA SINK.
Rogers: MORNING, DEPUTY.
OH, HI THERE, KID.
WELL, STUDYING
THE OLD BULLETIN BOARD, ARE YOU?
YEP.
SHE'S A LOT MORE
COMPLICATED
THAN SHE LOOKS.
I GUESS YOU'D
LIKE TO FIGURE OUT
HOW WE POST
THESE THINGS, HUH?
CHECKS AND
BALANCES WE USE
TO MAKE SURE
THERE'S NO SLIP-UPS.
WELL, I'M SORRY, KID
I JUST AIN'T GOT THE TIME
TO FILL YOU IN RIGHT NOW.
SO DARNED RUSHED.
TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH
JUST TRY ME
A LITTLE LATER ON
AND I'LL SEE WHAT
I CAN DO FOR YOU.
DON'T COUNT ON
ANYTHING, THOUGH.
I'M SO DARNED RUSHED.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.
I THINK I HAVE
IT FIGURED OUT.
YOU DO?
YEAH. I FOUND A SYSTEM
OUTLINED IN THE BOOK.
IN THE BOOK?
YEAH, A LAW
OFFICER'S MANUAL.
OH, IT'S A FINE BOOK.
COVERS EVERYTHING
BUT I DON'T HAVE
TO TELL YOU.
I'LL BET YOU KNOW IT
FROM COVER TO COVER.
OH, SURE, NATURALLY...
COVER TO COVER.
"A SIMPLE AND
EFFICIENT METHOD
"FOR KEEPING YOUR BULLETIN
BOARD UP TO DATE
"IS TO MAKE
A DAILY CHECK
"FOR ARRESTS
AND INCARCERATIONS
"AGAINST BULLETINS
ALREADY POSTED
THEREBY AVOIDING LAP-OVER
OF OUTDATED INFORMATION."
HEY.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A PRETTY GOOD SYSTEM.
LET ME SEE THAT.
WE SURE COULD HAVE
USED THIS THE OTHER DAY
WHEN BARNEY LEFT UP
THAT OLD POSTER.
YEAH. IT'S A GOOD SYSTEM,
AIN'T IT, BARNEY?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I AIN'T GOT THE TIME
TO STAND AROUND HERE
AND DISCUSS
TRIVIAL TRIVIALITIES.
I'M SO RUSHED.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, I'M JUST
POKING AROUND HERE,
TRYING TO FAMILIARIZE MYSELF
WITH THE EQUIPMENT.
THAT'S PRETTY DELICATE STUFF
TO BE HANDLED BY
SOMEBODY THAT'S
INEXPERIENCED.
SLIDE OVER, THERE.
I'LL CHECK YOU OUT ON IT.
OKAY, THANKS.
NOW, THIS IS
A TWO-WAY RADIO.
I'LL GIVE YOU A TECHNICAL
EXPLANATION HOW IT WORKS.
NOW, YOU TALK IN HERE...
AND YOU LISTEN IN HERE.
AND THAT'S
THE EXPLANATION.
WELL, THANKS.
THAT'S VERY INFORMATIVE.
WHAT'S THIS SWITCH HERE?
HEY, EASY.
I'D BE REAL CAREFUL
WITH THIS BABY.
THIS IS FOR THE SIREN.
IT'S NOT A TOY TO BE PLAYED
WITH, YOU UNDERSTAND?
RIGHT, I OPERATE
WITH EXTREME CARE.
ROGER, BUT NOW IF YOU DO
HAVE TO USE IT,
HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.
TAKE YOUR INDEX FINGER,
AND YOU FLIP IT
TO THE "ON."
[ SIREN WAILS ]
[Loudly] AND THEN
TO TURN IT OFF,
SAME FINGER, JUST FLIP IT
TO THE "OFF."
[ SIREN CONTINUES ]
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE
TURNING IT TO OFF?
OF COURSE I'M SURE!
I'VE TURNED THIS
ON AND OFF
A MILLION TIMES!
I KNOW HOW TO
TURN IT OFF!
THEN IT MUST BE STUCK!
[ SIREN CONTINUES ]
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
BARNEY?
OH, THIS DARN
SIREN IS STUCK!
YOU BETTER GET SOME PLIERS
AND A WIRE CUTTER!
IT'S NOT NECESSARY
TO CUT THE WIRES, DEPUTY.
OH, IT ISN'T, DEPUTY?
WELL, JUST HOW WOULD
YOU DO IT, DEPUTY?
MAY I BORROW THIS?
[ SIREN STOPS ]
WELL, I'LL BE DOGGED.
HOW'D YOU DO THAT?
JUST TAPPED
THE CONDENSER BOX.
WE LEARN SOMETHING EVERY DAY,
DON'T WE, BARNEY?
YEAH.
THAT WAS GOOD, BOB.
HEY, I MEANT TO TALK TO YOU.
YOU KNOW THAT WARRANT
THAT YOU SERVED THIS MORNING?
YEAH.
WELL, THAT WENT --
ALL RIGHT,
IT'S ALL OVER!
LET'S BREAK IT UP!
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
AIN'T YOU FOLKS
EVER SEEN A CONDENSER BOX
TAPPED?
SHERIFF, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO TAKE A LOOK
AT THIS CHART NOW?
YEAH. LET ME SEE
THAT THING.
BRING IT HERE.
WELL...
OH, HOWDY, BARNEY.
HELLO, DEPUTY.
HOWDY.
Andy: THERE'S A MESS
OF LINES HERE.
WHAT DO THEY
ALL MEAN?
THESE ARE THE
MONTHS HERE...
WHO'S BEEN MESSING UP
THE BULLETIN BOARD?
Andy: OH, ROGERS BROUGHT
IT UP TO DATE.
YEAH, WELL,
WHAT'S...
WHAT'S ALL THIS
STUFF OVER HERE?
WELL, IT WORKS
LIKE A GRAPH.
WHAT'S THAT?
A STATISTICAL CHART
COVERING THE PATTERN
OF CRIMES IN MAYBERRY
AND WITH THIS AS A BASIS
PREDICTING THE COURSE
OF LAW VIOLATIONS.
LIKE IT?
YEAH. IT'S PRETTY.
THAT IS REAL
GOOD-LOOKING
WITH ALL THE
CRAYOLA WORK
AND EVERYTHING ON IT
BUT I TELL
YOU THE TRUTH
WE DON'T GO IN TOO
MUCH FOR CHARTS.
WE MOSTLY WORK
WITH THE PEOPLE.
YEAH. THIS IS USUALLY
A BUNCH OF NONSENSE.
DON'T UNDERESTIMATE
STATISTICS.
SOMETIMES THEIR ACCURACY
CAN BE UNCANNY
ESPECIALLY IN THE FIELD
OF PREDICTION
ACCORDING
TO PAST PATTERNS.
FOR INSTANCE,
BEFORE THE MONTH IS OUT
I VENTURE TO SAY YOU'LL HAVE
12 TRAFFIC VIOLATIONS
THREE BREAKING
AND ENTERINGS
ONE WIFE-BEATING CASE...
"WIFE BEATING"?
NO, NO.
IF IT GOES ACCORDING
TO PAST PATTERNS
IT SHOULD HAPPEN.
THAT'S A LAUGH,
HUH, ANDY?
A CHART
PREDICTING CRIMES
LIKE IT WAS SOME KIND
OF A CRYSTAL BALL
OR SOMETHING.
[ PHONE RINGING ]
HELLO. SHERIFF
TAYLOR SPEAKING.
WHAT?
WELL, YEAH. I'LL-
I'LL-I'LL GET A MAN
RIGHT ON THAT.
MUCH OBLIGED, GRACE.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
YOUR CRYSTAL BALL
SEEMS TO BE WORKING.
ED SIMPKINS JUST GIVE HIS WIFE
"WHAT FOR."
WELL, I THOUGHT IT
WOULD HAPPEN THIS MONTH
BUT I DIDN'T FIGURE ON
THIS KIND OF TIMING.
I'LL GET RIGHT OUT
ON THE CASE, ANDY.
UH, BARNEY?
THIS IS KIND OF BOB'S CASE,
WOULDN'T YOU SAY?
SEEING AS HOW
HE PREDICTED IT AND ALL.
I THINK IT'D BE RIGHT
IF HE WAS THE ONE
THAT HANDLED IT.
YOU GOT THE KEYS
TO THE PATROL CAR?
THANK YOU, DEPUTY.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT
RIGHT AWAY, SHERIFF.
RIGHT, BOB.
THAT BOY'S GOT THE MAKINGS
OF A FINE LAWMAN, AIN'T HE?
YEAH.
YEAH.
HE'S A REGULAR BALL OF FIRE.
NO. I'M SURE OF IT.
THIS ROGERS IS OBVIOUSLY
A BETTER QUALIFIED MAN.
HE MAKES A BETTER DEPUTY.
I'M A FIFTH WHEEL
AND I KNOW IT.
WHY WOULDN'T ANDY
SAY SOMETHING TO YOU?
THAT'S THE WORST OF IT--
THE WAITING.
WHY DOESN'T HE SAY,
"BARNEY, YOU'RE THROUGH"?
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY
ANDY'S TOO GOOD A FRIEND
TO TELL YOU YOU'RE THROUGH.
SURE HE'S A FRIEND.
I KNOW THAT, BUT...
HEY, THAT'S WHY
HE HASN'T SAID ANYTHING.
HE I A FRIEND.
HE DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIRE ME.
HE CAN'T FIND THE WORDS.
WELL, MAYBE I CAN DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT.
MAYBE I'LL JUST FIND THE WORDS
FOR HIM.
BARNEY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, I'LL MAKE IT
EASY FOR HIM.
BARNEY FIFE
ISN'T WANTED SOMEPLACE
BARNEY FIFE DOESN'T STAY.
I'LL JUST BOW OUT.
BUT, BARNEY, BE SENSIBLE.
YOU CAN'T QUIT.
THIS IS THE WAY
I WANT IT.
BUT YOU CAN'T QUIT
THE SHERIFFING BUSINESS.
IT'S YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
IT IS BARNEY.
IT'S NOT
THE NEW MAN, IS IT?
WELL, TO TELL YOU
THE TRUTH, ANDY, IT IS.
YOU SEE, I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT THIS
FOR A LONG TIME
BUT, WELL, I DIDN'T WANT
TO LEAVE YOU SHORT-HANDED.
NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT
YOURSELF A GOOD MAN...
OH, BUT, BARNEY...
LOOK, YOU KNOW
THAT ME AND THELMA LOU
WILL BE GETTING HITCHED UP
PRETTY SOON.
WELL, I DON'T WANT HER WORRYING
EVERY TIME I LEAVE THE HOUSE.
YOU KNOW HOW GIRLS ARE
ABOUT A LAWMAN'S WORK.
YEAH.
WELL, I GUESS THIS IS IT THEN,
HUH, BARN?
WELL...
I SURE THOUGHT YOU'D BE
AROUND A WHOLE LOT LONGER.
I DON'T HARDLY
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
I'M GONNA MISS YOU.
[ CLEARING THROAT ]
WELL... I'M GONNA
MISS YOU, TOO, ANDY.
[ CLEARING THROAT ]
WELL, I...
I'LL, UH, I'LL BE
SEEING YOU AROUND.
WELL, BARNEY, WHAT'LL YOU DO?
OH, I GOT PLENTY OF PLANS.
DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT ME.
YEAH. I'M GONNA TAKE
A CRACK AT INDUSTRY--
YOU KNOW, GET INTO BIG BUSINESS.
YEAH.
YEAH. SHE'S A BIG COUNTRY
OUT THERE, ANDY.
I'M GONNA TAKE MY PLACE IN IT.
YOU'LL PROBABLY BE
HEARING ABOUT ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY?
THERE'S ROOM AT THE TOP.
I'LL SEE YA.
OH, GOOD MORNING,
MISS CLARA.
UH, PERMIT ME
TO DEMONSTRATE TO YOU
THE NEW MIRACLE SWEEP
VACUUM CLEANER
THE VERY FINEST ON THE MARKET.
I THINK THAT YOU WILL FIND...
WHAT'D YOU DO,
BARNEY, LOSE A BET?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
PRETENDING YOU'RE
A VACUUM CLEANER SALESMAN.
THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY.
I AIN'T MAKING BELIEVE, CLARA.
YOU LET ME IN AND I'LL SHOW YOU
I'M A SALESMAN.
BARNEY,
YOU'RE FUNNY
AND I'D LIKE TO PLAY ALONG
WITH YOUR LITTLE JOKE
BUT I'M AWFUL BUSY RIGHT NOW.
SEE YOU LATER.
BUT-BUT, CLARA...
AND AFTER YEARS
OF RESEARCH AND TESTING
UNDER SCIENTIFIC
CONDITIONS
THE NEW MIRACLE SWEEP
HAS PROVE TO BE
BEYOND ALL DOUBT
THE NUMBER ONE VACUUM CLEANER
IN AMERICA TODAY.
ANY QUESTIONS?
YES.
HOW COME YOU'RE NOT
IN YOUR DEPUTY UNIFORM?
BECAUSE I'M NOT A DEPUTY.
EMMA, I EXPLAINED ALL THAT.
I'M A VACUUM CLEANER SALESMAN.
YOU LOOK BETTER IN A UNIFORM.
I ALWAYS LIKED YOU--
EVEN IF YOU DID ARREST ME
THAT TIME FOR JAYWALKING--
BUT YOU SHOULD WEAR
YOUR UNIFORM.
EMMA, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?
I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO WEAR MY UNIFORM
BECAUSE I'M NOT A DEPUTY.
NOT A DEPUTY?
NO.
WELL, IF YOU'RE NOT A DEPUTY
YOU CERTAINLY HAD A LOT OF NERVE
ARRESTING ME FOR JAYWALKING.
HI THERE, ANDY.
WELL, HI, BARN.
HOW'S EVERYTHING?
FINE, FINE.
GOOD.
SELLING BUSINESS
ALL RIGHT, IS IT?
OH, IT COULDN'T
BE BETTER.
GOOD.
HOW'S THE SHERIFFING
BUSINESS?
OH, ABOUT LIKE USUAL.
JUST ABOUT LIKE USUAL.
ABOUT LIKE USUAL, HUH?
YEAH.
YEAH.
I SURE COULD USE YOU
BACK ON THE FORCE
IF YOU'RE READY
TO GIVE UP THIS NONSENSE.
WHAT, GIVE UP MY CAREER
JUST WHEN THINGS
ARE GOING GREAT?
BOY, OH, BOY, WOULDN'T
THAT BE A FOOL THING TO DO?
NO. I COULDN'T AFFORD
TO GIVE UP THIS INCOME, ANDY.
BOY, YOU REALLY MUST
BE MOVING THEM THINGS.
LET'S SEE
WHO YOU'RE SELLING THEM TO.
THIS THING'S FULL
OF EMPTY PAGES.
WELL... WELL, SURE.
THAT THERE'S
MY SECOND BOOK, ANDY.
I FILLED
THE FIRST BOOK UP ALREADY
AND I JUST STARTED ON THAT ONE.
IS THAT RIGHT?
YOU'LL BE A WEALTHY MAN
PRETTY SOON, WON'T YOU?
YEAH, YEAH.
THINGS IS GOING PRETTY GOOD
DOWN AT THE OFFICE THEN, HUH?
OH, FINE.
GOOD, GOOD.
HOW'S, UH...?
ROGERS?
ROGERS.
YEAH. HOW'S HE WORKING OUT?
FINE.
GOOD.
BARNEY, WHY DON'T YOU
COME BACK ON THE FORCE?
WELL, LOOK, ANDY, I
REALLY GOT TO BE GOING
BECAUSE I GOT A LOT OF
THESE LIVE PROSPECTS
WAITING FOR ME, YOU KNOW.
I'LL SEE YA.
OKAY. I'LL SEE YA.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M SURPRISED
AT YOU, ANDY--
BELIEVING THAT BARNEY
WANTED TO BE A SALESMAN.
WELL, HE CONVINCED ME.
I WANNA TELL YOU
THE TRUTH.
THAT BOY WEIGHS
ABOUT A HUNDRED POUNDS
AND I WOULD SWEAR
THAT 50 OF IT'S PROUD.
WELL, I WOULD'VE COME
AND TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT IT
BUT BARNEY MADE ME
PROMISE NOT TO.
MMM. PROUD, PROUD, PROUD,
PROUD, PROUD, PROUD.
WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO, ANDY?
WELL... I'LL HAVE
TO GET HIM BACK ON THE FORCE.
YES.
I... I DON'T KNOW HOW
BUT I RECKON I'LL JUST
HAVE TO THINK OF SOMETHING
WON'T I?
SHERIFF...
YEAH.
SURE WROTE UP A BOOK
FULL OF CITATIONS TODAY.
GOOD.
BY THE WAY, SHERIFF
I JUST SAW FIFE PEDDLING
HIS VACUUM CLEANERS.
YEAH?
WELL, I MEANT
TO ASK YOU--
DID FIFE GET HIS
LICENSE FROM YOU?
WHAT LICENSE?
THE LICENSE TO SELL
FROM DOOR-TO-DOOR--
YOU KNOW, THE GREEN
RIVER ORDINANCE.
NO.
WELL, SHERIFF,
IT'S A MISDEMEANOR.
I MEAN, IF YOU
WANT TO OVERLOOK IT
SINCE FIFE'S
A FRIEND OF YOURS...
OH, OH.
THE GREEN RIVER ORDINANCE.
OH, NO.
WE CAN'T LET PEOPLE
GO AROUND
VIOLATING THE GREEN
RIVER ORDINANCE.
NO, SIR.
YOU BETTER GO
PICK FIFE UP ON THAT.
RIGHT.
RIGHT.
THAT OUGHT TO DO IT.
THE GREEN RIVER WHAT?
THE GREEN RIVER ORDINANCE.
IT REQUIRES A LICENSE
TO PEDDLE DOOR-TO-DOOR.
I'M NOT SURPRISED
AT THIS, SHERIFF TAYLOR.
I KNEW FROM
STUDYING THAT CHART
THAT THERE HASN'T BEEN
AN OFFENSE OF THIS NATURE
IN MAYBERRY IN
THE PAST TEN YEARS.
NOW, IT JUST
DOESN'T FIGURE
THAT IN THAT TIME
THERE SHOULDN'T BE
A FEW VIOLATIONS.
WELL, I GUESS WE JUST
HAVEN'T BEEN THAT STRICT
WITH THE ENFORCEMENT.
WELL, THAT THROWS YOUR WHOLE
CRIME PICTURE OUT OF KILTER.
IT DOES?
CERTAINLY. WHY, JUST
LOOK AT YOUR CHART HERE.
CODE 304 NEVER ENFORCED.
NEVER. NOTHING THERE.
YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE AT LEAST
ONE REPRESENTATIVE CASE
TO BALANCE OUT YOUR
LAW ENFORCEMENT PICTURE
IN MAYBERRY,
OR WITHOUT IT
YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF
A VERY UNBALANCED CHART.
WELL, NOW I'VE
HEARD EVERYTHING.
SO THAT'S ALL
I AM, HUH?
JUST A FIGURE
ON A CHART.
YOU COMPLETELY IGNORE
THE FACT
THAT I'M A HUMAN BEING.
NOW, BARNEY...
NO, IT'S TRUE, ANDY.
AND YOU WANT
TO KNOW SOMETHING?
I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE FIT TO BE A DEPUTY.
YOU'RE SO WRAPPED UP
IN YOUR BOOKS AND YOUR CHARTS
THAT YOU'RE IGNORANT
ABOUT PEOPLE.
YOU WANNA KNOW
SOMETHING ELSE?
I AIN'T GONNA STAND BY
AND SEE THIS HAPPEN.
ANDY, I WITHDRAW
MY RETIREMENT.
I WANNA BE RESTORED
TO THE FORCE.
I'M GONNA FIGHT FOR MY JOB
BECAUSE I THINK
THAT I'M A WHOLE LOT
MORE QUALIFIED THAN...
WHAT'S THAT?
YOUR UNIFORM.
THANKS, ANDY.
YOU WON'T REGRET THIS.
AND YOU BETTER GIRD
YOUR LOINS, BUSTER
'CAUSE YOU GOT A FIGHT
ON YOUR HANDS.
FEISTY LITTLE
FELLA, ISN'T HE?
YEAH.
HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
YEAH. I EXPECT HE IS.
APPARENTLY, THERE'S A
LITTLE MORE TO SHERIFFING
THAN BOOKS AND CHARTS.
YEAH.
HEY, HEY, YOU KNOW
I NEVER HEARD
OF THE GREEN RIVER ORDINANCE.
WHAT IS THAT?
WELL, IN 1924, IN A LITTLE
TOWN CALLED GREEN RIVER
THERE WAS THIS...
THANK YOU FOR
EVERYTHING, SHERIFF.
IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE
MEETING YOU
AND WORKING WITH YOU.
ANY TIME WE
CAN BE OF HELP
TO THE STATE
ATTORNEY'S OFFICE
YOU LET US KNOW.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WRITING OUT A CITATION
FOR ILLEGAL PARKING.
THIS SPACE IS
FOR POLICE PARKING ONLY.
I'M A DEPUTY.
NOT ANYMORE YOU AIN'T.
NOT SINCE YOU TURNED
IN YOUR BADGE.
BUT I JUST PARKED...
IT'S JUST
A TECHNICALITY.
YOU'LL FIND IT
IN YOUR MANUAL.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO TEACH YOU
A LITTLE LESSON, SON.
DON'T NEVER TRY
TO GET TOO TECHNICAL
NOT WHEN YOU'RE DEALING
WITH PEOPLE.
SAVVY?
ROGER.
WELL, WE'LL
SEE YOU, BOB.
BE SURE AND SAY HELLO
TO RALPH FOR US.
I SURE WILL.
AND TELL HIM
IF HE EVER GETS DOWN THIS WAY
I'LL TAKE HIM FROG-GIGGIN'.
ONE DAY ALL THE PIECES
WILL FALL TOGETHER
AND YOU'LL SEE
THE BIG PICTURE.
WE'LL SEE YA.