The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 2, Episode 10 - The Clubmen - full transcript

Roger Courtney invites Andy to come up to the state capital and meet the membership committee of The Esquire club and be considered for membership. Andy accepts the offer but tells him he'll be bringing Barney along also. Barney is very excited at the prospect of joining this exclusive club but he's worried that Andy may need a bit of polishing. Andy wants to be himself when meeting the club but Barney insists on putting on airs to impress them...which of course backfires.

YEAH, BOY.

THEY WERE REALLY BITIN'
OUT THERE TODAY.

GOOD. BEST I'VE
SEEN THEM THIS YEAR.

YOU GET BACK NOW AS QUICK
AS YOU CAN, YOU HEAR?

ANDY, THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE
I'LL BE ABLE TO GET DOWN

SOMETIME AGAIN NEXT MONTH.

IS IT OKAY IF I BRING A COUPLE
OF CRONIES FROM MY CLUB ALONG?

OH, BY ALL MEANS.

BRING ANYBODY YOU WANT TO.
GLAD TO HAVE 'EM.

WONDERFUL. YOU KNOW
WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO?

I'D LIKE TO REPAY SOME
OF THIS MAYBERRY HOSPITALITY.



YOU GET UP TO
STATE CAPITAL VERY OFTEN?

EVERY NOW AND THEN.

I'D LIKE TO PUT YOU UP
FOR MEMBERSHIP IN OUR CLUB--

THE ESQUIRE CLUB.

WELL, NOW, THE ESQUIRE CLUB.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

YEAH.

'COURSE, NOW, WHENEVER
I DO GO UP TO THE CAPITAL

I GENERALLY BRING
MY DEPUTY BARNEY FIFE ALONG.

WELL, FINE, BRING HIM ALONG.
I'VE NEVER MET HIM

BUT IF HE'S YOUR DEPUTY,
THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR US.

YOU'RE FREE THURSDAY NIGHT?

THURSDAY... THURSDAY...

YEAH. YEAH, WE'RE FREE THURSDAY.



PLAN ON COMING UP FOR DINNER,
SAY AROUND 8:00.

YOU AND BARNEY CAN MEET
THE MEMBERSHIP COMMITTEE

AND Y'ALL KINDA GET ACQUAINTED.

WELL, THAT'S NEIGHBORLY.

THAT'S FINE. WE'LL DO THAT.

WE'LL COUNT ON IT, ANDY.

OKAY, ROGER. WE'LL SEE YA.
DRIVE CAREFUL NOW.

OKAY.

BARN?

[ SNORING ]

HI, ANDY.

OH, HI, BARN.

HOW WAS THE FISHIN'?

FINE, FINE, FINE.

HOW'S EVERYTHING
AROUND HERE?

BUSY, BUSY, BUSY.

BUSY DOING WHAT?

OH, DIFFERENT THINGS.

WELL, WHAT?

OH, THE PHONE, THE MAIL,
FILING, CLEANING UP...

THE PHONE...

TAKING OUT THE TRASH.

SEEMS LIKE THAT TRASH
GETS HEAVIER EVERY WEEK.

SOME PEOPLE COMIN' IN AND OUT.

WHAT PEOPLE?

OH, FIRST ONE AND THEN ANOTHER.

YOU, UH...
YOU DIDN'T GET A CHANCE

TO FIX THAT STOP SIGN
DOWN ON ELM STREET.

NO, NO, I DIDN'T GET
A CHANCE TO DO THAT.

I WAS SO BUSY.
I'LL DO THAT RIGHT NOW.

DID YOU FORGET
SOMETHING, BARN?

NO, NO.

BARNEY?

LOOKIN' FOR THESE?

OH, YOU'RE A CLOWN, YOU ARE.

WHY DON'T YOU PUT A
RED LIGHT ON YOUR NOSE

AND GO IN THE CIRCUS?

OH, BARNEY, I DON'T CARE

IF YOU TAKE A NAP
ONCE IN A WHILE.

I WAS JUST PICKIN' AT YA.

YOU'RE A REGULAR
FELIX THE CAT, YOU ARE.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING--

I HOPE YOU GOT A BETTER
SENSE OF HUMOR THURSDAY NIGHT.

WE GOT A LITTLE INVITATION

TO COME AND VISIT
THE ESQUIRE CLUB.

WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID
ABOUT THE ESQUIRE CLUB

THURSDAY NIGHT?

YEAH. THIS FELLA
I GO FISHIN' WITH--

ROGER COURTNEY--
HE BELONGS

AND HE INVITED US
TO COME UP THERE.

THE ESQUIRE CLUB?

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

NO.

THE...
THE ESQUIRE CLUB?

THE ESQUIRE CLUB?

WELL, ANDY, THAT'S-THAT'S ONE
OF THE FANCIEST CLUBS AROUND.

THEY WANT US TO BE THERE
THURSDAY NIGHT AT 8:00.

YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT?

OH, ANDY.

THIS COULD BE THE BEGINNING
OF A WHOLE NEW LIFE FOR US--

SOCIAL CONTACTS...

AND THINK
OF THE BUSINESS CONTACTS.

WELL, CONSIDERING
THE LINE OF WORK WE'RE IN

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY FOLKS
WOULD WANNA DO BUSINESS WITH US.

YOU KNOW WHAT
I MEAN-- CONTACTS.

THAT'S A BIG THING
IN CLUBS-- CONTACTS.

WELL, I GOT TO GO OUT
AND DO A LITTLE PATROLLING.

I CAN HARDLY WAIT
TILL THURSDAY NIGHT.

YEAH. IT'LL BE FUN.

THE ESQUIRE CLUB.

THAT'S REALLY
A HIGHFALUTIN CLUB!

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

YOU COMIN'?

UH, WELL, UH...

I THINK I'LL DROP
IN THE BARBER SHOP.

I WANT TO CHECK UP
ON SOMETHING.

CHECK UP ON WHAT?

UH, IT'LL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE.
COME ON.

ALL RIGHT.

YEAH. HE MOVED
TO KANSAS CITY.

HI, FELLAS.

HI, BOYS.

FLOYD, JUD, HOW ARE YA?

FINE, FINE.

FLOYD, I JUST, UH...

I JUST DROPPED IN
TO CHECK UP ON SOMETHING.

YEAH?

OUR LODGE MEETING --

IS IT ON THURSDAY NIGHT
OR FRIDAY NIGHT?

HUH?

YOU KNOW WE'VE BEEN
MEETING ON FRIDAY NIGHTS

FOR THE LAST SIX YEARS.

WELL, I JUST WANTED

TO MAKE SURE IT
WASN'T CHANGED.

I WANTED TO MAKE SURE

IT DIDN'T CONFLICT WITH
MY OTHER CLUB MEETING.

YOU SEE, MY OTHER CLUB
MEETING'S ON THURSDAY NIGHT.

GOOD. HOW WAS
THE FISHIN', ANDY?

FINE, FLOYD. FINE, FINE.

MY OTHER CLUB'S UP
AT THE STATE CAPITAL.

Floyd:
WHAT'D YOU CATCH?

MESS OF TROUT;
COUPLE OF CATFISH.

THIS OTHER CLUB OF
MINE'S RIGHT UP THERE

AT THE OL' STATE CAPITAL.

UP AT THE STATE CAPITAL?

THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY GOT A BARBERSHOP UP THERE

THAT'S A FIVE-CHAIR.

MAYBE SOMEDAY

I MIGHT GO INTO BUSINESS
UP THERE MYSELF.

WELL, NOW, WHAT'S WRONG

WITH MY WANTING A SHOP
UP AT THE STATE CAPITAL?

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH A LITTLE AMBITION.

I COULD START OUT
WITH A TWO-CHAIR.

FLOYD, ASK BARNEY

THE NAME OF THIS CLUB
BEFORE HE HAS A SPELL.

IF HE'D HAVE WANTED
ME TO KNOW THE NAME

OF THIS CLUB,
HE'D HAVE TOLD ME.

I AIN'T ONE TO PRY.

YOU AIN'T ONE TO PRY?

YOU'RE ALWAYS ASKING ME
WHEN I'M GONNA GET MARRIED

AND HOW MUCH I SEND
MY MOTHER EVERY MONTH.

WELL, I'VE STOPPED BEING NOSY.

I'VE REFORMED.

WELL, COULDN'T YOU
BE NOSY JUST ONCE MORE

BEFORE YOU REFORM?

ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE CLUB?

THE ESQUIRE CLUB.

HMM. ESQUIRE CLUB.

OH, I'VE HEARD OF THAT.

ME, TOO. PRETTY RITZY.

WE'RE JOINING UP,
ANDY AND ME.

YOU, TOO, ANDY?

HOW'D YOU SWING IT?

THIS FELLA,
ROGER COURTNEY--

HE COMES DOWN
AND WE FISH TOGETHER

AND HE LIVES UP THERE
AT THE CAPITAL

AND HE ASKED US
TO COME UP THERE TO SEE HIM.

ROGER COURTNEY.
HE BELONGS?

YEAH. ROG IS ONE OF US.

OH, HE'S CLASS. HE'S REAL...

OH, I TELL YOU.

YOU KNOW,
HE CAME IN FOR A HAIRCUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHAT?

HE ASKED ME
TO GIVE HIM A HAIRCUT

THAT DIDN'T LOOK LIKE A HAIRCUT.

IMAGINE GETTING A HAIRCUT

AND DIDN'T WANT ANYBODY ELSE
TO KNOW ABOUT IT.

THAT'S THE KIND
OF MEMBERS WE GOT.

OH, HE'S REAL CLASS.

WELL, I GUESS
I'LL GO ON DOWN

TO THE
FILLING STATION

AND TELL EVERYBODY
ABOUT IT.

TELL EVERYBODY
ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT YOU AND ANDY
GOING UP TO THE STATE CAPITAL

AND JOININ' UP
IN THIS HERE CLUB.

YOU DON'T MIND, DO YOU?

OH, NO, NO. NO.

I MEAN, NOT IF IT COMES UP
IN CONVERSATION.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
ALL THE TO-DO'S ABOUT.

A CLUB'S A CLUB.

THAT'S THE ESQUIRE CLUB.

YEAH. I'LL REMEMBER.

BYE, JUD.

I'LL SEE YA, JUD.

WELL, I'D BETTER
BE MOSEYIN' ALONG MYSELF.

OH, BUT, ANDY...

HUH?

IF YOU AND BARNEY ARE GOING
UP TO STATE CAPITAL

WHO'S GONNA BE
MINDIN' THE JAILHOUSE?

OH, I EXPECT
IT'LL JUST BE OTIS

COMIN' BY WITH A SNOOTFUL.

HERE. I'LL LEAVE
A NOTE ON THE DOOR

AND TELL HIM
YOU GOT THE KEY.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

I'LL SEE YA,
FELLA ESQUIRIAN.

BARNEY, UH, BEFORE
YOU START TAKING OUT

AN AD IN THE PAPER
ABOUT US BEING MEMBERS

WE AIN'T
OFFICIALLY IN YET.

WE'RE JUST GOING
UP THERE TO LOOK AROUND

AND MEET THE
MEMBERSHIP COMMITTEE.

OH, ANDY, THAT'S JUST
A FORMALITY-- ROUTINE.

WELL, IT COULD BE THEY MIGHT
LOOK US OVER AND NOT WANT US.

NOW YOU'RE BEING
DOWNRIGHT SILLY.

WELL...

I'LL SEE YA, FLOYD.

Floyd: BYE, ANDY.

WELL, BARN, BOY

YOU'RE REALLY
GETTIN' UP

IN THE WORLD,
AREN'T YA?

SEEMS TO ME

YOU'RE DOING...

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU KNOW, WHAT HE SAID
MAY NOT BE SO SILLY AT THAT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

ABOUT THEM
MAYBE NOT WANTING US.

OH, YOU GOT NOTHIN'
TO WORRY ABOUT.

OH, NO. IT AIN'T ME

I'M WORRIED ABOUT.

IT'S ANDY.

ANDY?

YEAH. ANDY COULD USE
A LITTLE POLISHIN'

AND I GUESS
IT'S GONNA BE UP TO ME

TO GO TO WORK ON HIM.

YOU WANT ME
TO TALK ABOUT WHAT?

ANDY, WE GOT TO MAKE
AN IMPRESSION

AT THE ESQUIRE CLUB.

WE GOT TO TALK
ABOUT BIG, IMPORTANT THINGS.

GOT TO TALK ABOUT OUR STOCKS
AND OUR BONDS AND STUFF.

WE AIN'T GOT ANY
STOCKS AND BONDS.

IN FACT, WE AIN'T
EVEN GOT ANY STUFF.

WE KNOW WE AIN'T GOT
ANY STOCKS AND BONDS

BUT THERE AIN'T NO REASON
FOR THEM TO KNOW IT.

BUT PRETENDING WE HAVE--

AIN'T THAT KINDA
LIKE LYING?

WELL, ALL WE GOT TO DO
IS JUST TO SAY SOMETHING

LIKE, "WELL, I SEE U.S.
STEEL WENT UP THREE POINTS"

AND LOOK HAPPY ABOUT IT

AND THEY'LL
THINK WE GOT IT

BUT THAT AIN'T LYING.

WELL, NO, MAYBE NOT,
BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW

YOU CAN'T GET
MUCH CLOSER TO IT.

ANDY, I KNOW
WHAT THESE FELLAS

ARE GONNA EXPECT
OUT OF US.

BARNEY, DON'T YOU THINK

WE'D BE BETTER OFF
BEING OURSELVES

AND FORGET
ABOUT PUTTIN' ON?

NO. NOW, LOOK, ANDY,
IT AIN'T GONNA HURT

TO TRY TO MAKE
AN IMPRESSION--

YOU KNOW, TO PUT
OUR BEST FOOT FORWARD

BECAUSE, DON'T FORGET NOW,
THIS IS A NUMBER ONE CLUB.

IT'S A... IT'S
AN IMPORTANT CLUB.

YEAH, WELL, I GUESS SO.

JUST THINK, ANDY.

TODAY, A COUPLE
OF UNKNOWN BOYS

IN A SMALL-TOWN
SHERIFF'S OFFICE...

TOMORROW NIGHT, MEMBERS
OF THE ESQUIRE CLUB.

WE AIN'T IN IT.

WE WILL BE. WE WILL BE.

WELL, WHAT MAKES YOU
SO SURE?

'CAUSE WE'RE
THE ESQUIRE TYPES.

ANDY, YOUR COAT IS READY.

GOT IT ALL PRESSED.

Andy:
BE RIGHT DOWN, AUNT BEE.

YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK?

YES, MA'AM.
ALL DONE.

NOT BAD, I THINK, NOW.

OKAY.
YOU SURE DO LOOK
HANDSOME, PAW.

WHY, THANK YOU, SON.

THERE GONNA BE
ANY GIRLS THERE?

NO, JUST FELLAS.

THEN WHAT'S ALL
THE FUSS ABOUT?

YOU KNOW, THAT'S SOMETHING
I'VE BEEN ASKING MYSELF

EVER SINCE THIS
WHOLE THING COME UP.

NOW, ANDY, BONNIE TELLS ME
IT'S PRETTY IMPORTANT

JOINING THIS CLUB,
AND BESIDES, IT DOESN'T HURT YOU

TO GET DRESSED UP
ONCE IN A WHILE.

NOW, REMEMBER, AUNT BEE,
WE'RE NOT GOING UP THERE

TO NECESSARILY JOIN.

WE'RE JUST GOING UP
TO VISIT.

[ BUZZER ]

WELL, BARNEY, COME ON IN,
COME ON IN.

WOW!

ISN'T SOMEBODY GONNA
SAY SOMETHING?

I THINK "WOW"
DOES IT FOR US ALL.

I DON'T HARDLY
KNOW YOU, BARNEY.

YEAH, YOU LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO
TAKE TO THE FIREWORKS DISPLAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY DONE HAD ME THINKING I WAS
HANDSOME BEFORE YOU COME IN.

OH, WELL,
WE'RE DIFFERENT TYPES.

I GUESS WE BETTER
GET GOING, HUH?

I GUESS, WELL...

BYE, PAW,
HAVE A GOOD TIME.

BYE, ANDY.
NOW, WAIT!

STEP OUT WITH YOUR RIGHT FOOT
SO IT'LL ALL GO WELL.

OH, ALL RIGHT.
READY? HERE WE GO.

WHOA!

HI.

YOU HOOKED.

[ LAUGHING ]

NO, I DON'T CARE
FOR ANYTHING.

FELLAS,
HOW ABOUT A DRINK?

I WILL HAVE A DRINK OUT OF
HIS BOTTLE, PLEASE--

HIS PRIVATE STOCK.

OH, EXCUSE ME.
OH, OKAY.

WELL, ANDY, IT'S
GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HIYA, ROGER.
GLAD TO SEE YA.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
MY DEPUTY BARNEY FIFE.

BARNEY, IT'S NICE
TO MEET YOU.

PLEASE, COME IN.

IT'S A NICE PLACE
YOU GOT HERE, ROG.

WELL, THANK YOU.

OH, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
SOME OF OUR MEMBERS.

UH, JOHN DANBY

AND GEORGE BRONSON

THIS IS BARNEY FIFE
AND ANDY TAYLOR.

HOWDY.

HOW ARE YOU?
HELLO, ANDY.

GLAD TO SEE YOU, SIR.

WELL, ROGER TELLS ME

YOU GENTLEMEN ARE
FROM MAYBERRY.

THAT'S RIGHT-- MAYBERRY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, I SEE U.S. STEEL

WENT UP TWO
AND A HALF TODAY.

OF COURSE,
CONSOLIDATED INDUSTRIES

TOOK A SLIGHT DIP--
OFF AN EIGHTH.

THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.

Barney: YES, IT IS,
ISN'T IT?

[ CHUCKLING ]

WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US

I'D LIKE THEM TO MEET
SOME OTHER MEMBERS.

YEAH. THAT'S WHAT
WE'RE HERE FOR--

TO HAVE A
LITTLE LOOK-SEE.

GOOD DAY,
GENTLEMEN.

FELLAS, I HATE TO
BREAK UP THIS GOLF LESSON

BUT I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
SOME FRIENDS OF MINE.

BARNEY FIFE, THIS
IS CLIFF BRITAIN

TOM WILSON
HELLO, TOM.

AND JIM BAKER.
HI, BARNEY.

THIS IS
ANDY TAYLOR.

CLIFF BRITAIN

TOM WILSON
MR. WILSON

AND JIM BAKER.

MR. BAKER,
HOW ARE YA?

OH, GOLF, HUH?

YEAH.

WELL, WHAT DO
YOU SHOOT, TOM?

OH, LOW 80s.

OH, THAT'S NOT TOO BAD.

HOW 'BOUT YOU, JIM?

95, 96.

AND HE'S TEACHIN' YOU
HOW TO PLAY?

WHY YOU OUGHTA BE
TAKIN' LESSONS FROM HIM.

THEN YOU'D BE SHOOTIN'
UP IN THE 90s

MAYBE EVEN HIT 100.

YEAH.

WELL, LOOK, BEFORE DINNER

I'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU FELLAS
THE CLUB TROPHY ROOM.

YEAH. NEXT TO HUNTIN'
THERE'S NOTHIN' I LIKE BETTER

THAN A GOOD GAME OF GOLF
OUT ON THE LINKS.

THIS IS GOOD, ROGER.
WHAT IS THIS?

UH, IT'S BAKED ALASKA.

I DON'T BELIEVE
I'VE EVER HEARD OF IT.

UH, SURE YOU HAVE, ANDY.
UH, YOU JUST FORGOT.

UH, TH-THAT'S BAKED ALASKA.

IT'S THAT NEW DESSERT

THAT COME OUT
SINCE IT BECOME A STATE.

WELL, THIS CERTAINLY IS
AN EXPERIENCE FOR US

TO COME UP HERE
AND VISIT LIKE THIS.

GOOD SUPPER.

GLAD TO HAVE YOU.

THANK YOU
FOR HAVING US.

GOOD-BYE, ANDY.

YES, SIRREE, AND NOW
THAT WE KNOW

WHERE YOU ARE, WHY,
WE WON'T BE STRANGERS.

WELL, I'LL JUST
SEE YOU FELLAS TO THE DOOR.

OKAY.

THANK YOU AGAIN.
WE ENJOYED IT.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU
AND BARNEY HAD YOURSELF

A HIGH OLD TIME.

OH, IT WAS NICE.
BEAUTIFUL PLACE.

WELL, ARE YOU GOING
TO JOIN?

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T CARE ONE WAY
OR THE OTHER.

BARNEY, HE'S THE ONE.

HE'S ABOUT TO HAVE
A FIT TO GET IN.

PA, DID YOU HAVE TO GIVE
SOME KIND OF PASSWORD

OR SECRET SIGN TO
GET INTO THE CLUB?

NO, NO. THEY JUST
OPENED THE DOOR,

AND WE WALKED IN.

WHEN YOU JOIN UP,
ARE YOU GONNA GET

A SWEATER AND CAP
WITH "ESQUIRE" ON IT?

I DON'T THINK SO.

HMM.

DON'T SOUND LIKE
MUCH OF A CLUB TO ME.

DID YOU GET THE CALL YET?
DID THEY CALL?

FOR HEAVEN SAKES,
YOU COME IN

LIKE YOU'RE RAIDIN'
THE PLACE.

DID THEY CALL?
ARE WE MEMBERS?

JUST RELAX, BARNEY.
THIS IS JUST ANOTHER CLUB.

YOU'RE MAKIN' TOO MUCH
OUT OF THIS.

TOO MUCH?!
THIS IS THE ESQUIRE CLUB.

OH, I'M SORRY.
GOOD MORNIN', AUNT BEE.

THE WAY I FIGURE IT

THEY VOTED
RIGHT AFTER WE LEFT.

NOW, WHY AIN'T THEY CALLED?

BARNEY, THESE
THINGS TAKE TIME.

NOW, THE BEST THING
IS TO FORGET IT

AND WAIT TILL
YOU HEAR FROM THEM.

YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.
ANDY, THE BEST THING

IS FORGET IT AND WAIT
TILL WE HEAR FROM THEM.

RELAX. THINK ABOUT
SOMETHIN' ELSE.

THAT'S RIGHT.
THINK ABOUT SOMETHIN' ELSE.

AFTER ALL,
IT WON'T BE A TRAGEDY

IF WE DON'T GET IN,
WILL IT?

DON'T GET IN?!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

[ PHONE RINGS ]

WE'LL LET IT RING ONE MORE TIME.

THAT WAY, IT WON'T LOOK LIKE
WE'RE SO ANXIOUS.

SARAH?

DID YOU HAVE A CALL
THROUGH TO THIS NUMBER?

WELL, PUT IT THROUGH,
FOR HEAVEN SAKES.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

HELLO?

HELLO, MISS SIMMS.

IT'S FOR YOU, AUNT BEE.

HELLO, MARIE.

YES.

YES?

YOU DON'T SAY.

AT A TIME LIKE THIS...

MISS SIMMS-- THE BIGGEST
BLABBERMOUTH IN TOWN.

RELAX, BARNEY.

REMEMBER, WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO RELAX.

SHE COULD KEEP THIS LINE
TIED UP FOR HOURS.

YOU WANT TO TELL HER
YOU'LL CALL HER BACK, AUNT BEE.

OH, MARIE,
MAY I CALL YOU BACK?

I, UH...

I'VE GOT SOME CHERRY
POPOVERS IN THE OVEN.

OH, SURE, THEY TURN OUT
NICE AND FLUFFY.

WELL, TH-THE SECRET
IS IN THE BATTER, MARIE.

SURE, I'LL GIVE
IT TO YOU.

YOU TAKE A POUND
OF CHERRIES...

[ HUMMING ]

I'LL GIVE YOU THE RECIPE
WHEN I CALL YOU BACK, MARIE.

BYE.

LET ME SEE IF OPIE'S
GONE OFF TO SCHOOL.

HELLO, SARAH?
THIS IS BARNEY FIFE.

WILL YOU KEEP
THE LINE OPEN HERE?

I'M EXPECTING AN IMPORTANT CALL
FROM THE STATE CAPITAL.

WELL, IT'S KIND OF OFFICIAL.

RIGHT.

BARNEY, AIN'T
YOU FORGETTIN'

THE SCHOOL CROSSIN'
THIS MORNIN'?

[ FRUSTRATED GROAN ]

OF ALL MORNINGS!

YOU COVER THE
SCHOOL CROSSIN'.

I'LL LET YOU KNOW
WHEN I HEAR ANYTHING.

I KEEP TELLIN' YOU

WE OUGHTA HAVE A TELEPHONE
IN THAT SQUAD CAR.

WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET
MODERN AROUND HERE?

WELL, ANDY...
HI, ANDY.

WELL, ROGER, MR. WILSON.

HEY, THIS IS A SURPRISE.

WE'RE JUST DRIVING
UP TO TOM'S PLACE

AND THOUGHT
WE'D DROP BY.

UH-HUH. WELL,
I'M GLAD YOU DID.

YEAH.
UH...

ANDY, ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

OH, ANDY,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW

THE BOYS
ALL ENJOYED MEETING YOU.

THEY ENJOYED
TALKING TO YOU.

YES, AND YOU
WERE ACCEPTED 100%.

IT WAS UNANIMOUS.

ANDY, IT'S GONNA
BE WONDERFUL

TO HAVE YOU
ONE OF US.

UH, WH-WHAT ABOUT BARNEY?

WELL...

YOU DIDN'T LIKE HIM.

WELL, IT'S JUST...

ANDY, WE-WE KIND OF FELT
THAT HE WOULDN'T FIT IN.

Wilson:
WELL, I GUESS HE'S

A NICE ENOUGH FELLA,
ANDY, AND I'M SURE

HE'S A VERY
COMPETENT DEPUTY...

WELL, LOOK, ANDY

I GOT A LOT OF FELLAS
WORKIN' FOR ME

AND WE DON'T BELONG
TO THE SAME CLUBS.

WELL, I GUESS YOU COULD
HAVE A FELLA WORKIN' FOR YA

AND NOT BELONG
TO THE SAME CLUBS

BUT, UH, YOU SEE

WITH, UH, WITH BARNEY AND ME,
IT'S-IT'S DIFFERENT.

UH, HE DON'T JUST WORK FOR ME--
WE'RE PRETTY CLOSE FRIENDS.

WELL, ANDY, LIKE I SAID

I'M SURE HE'S
A NICE ENOUGH FELLA...

YEAH. WELL, HE WAS JUST
PRESSIN' TOO MUCH LAST NIGHT.

HE TRIED SO HARD
TO PUT HIS BEST FOOT FORWARD

HE TRIPPED OVER IT
AND FELL DOWN.

I'M NOT... I'M NOT
MAKIN' EXCUSES FOR HIM

AND Y'ALL SURE GOT A RIGHT
TO-TO PICK WHO YOU WANT

BUT, UH, WELL, UH,
DON'T, UH, DON'T GET ME WRONG

BUT, UH, I'M-I'M NOT SURE
THAT BARNEY OR ME, EITHER ONE

WOULD FIT IN
AT YOUR, UH, CLUB.

I MEAN, YOU GOT YOUR INTERESTS
AND EVERYTHING

AND-AND WE'VE GOT OURS, AND...

WELL, LET'S, UH, LET'S JUST
LEAVE IT THIS WAY--

IT WAS NICE OF YOU

TO INVITE US TO
COME UP THERE AND VISIT

AND, WELL, WE'RE OBLIGED
TO YOU FOR THAT. I AM.

IT'S GREAT OF YOU
TO TAKE IT THIS WAY.

I'M SORRY YOU
WON'T BE JOINING US.

WELL, NOW, LISTEN,
NO HARD FEELINGS

AND JUST BECAUSE
WE WON'T BELONG TO THE SAME CLUB

WHY, THERE'S NO REASON

WHY WE CAN'T FISH
AT THE SAME FISHIN' HOLE.

I'M GLAD TO HEAR THAT, ANDY.

YOU COME ON BACK,
NOW, ANYTIME.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
AND WE'LL BE SEEIN' YOU.

OKAY. HAVE A GOOD TRIP.

THANK YOU.
YEAH.

THAT WAS THEM.
THAT WAS ROG'S CAR.

WE'RE SO IMPORTANT,

THEY HAD TO COME HERE
IN PERSON AND TELL US.

BOY, IF THIS AIN'T THE BIGGEST
DAY THAT EVER HAPPENED...

WH-WHAT'S THE
MATTER, ANDY?

WHY ARE YOU LOOKIN' LIKE THAT?

WE'RE IN, AIN'T WE?

WELL...NO.

FACT IS, THEY WAS ABOUT
TO ACCEPT ONE OF US.

ONE OF US?

UH-HUH.

YOU MUST BE KIDDIN'.

I'D LIKE TO PUNCH 'EM ALL
RIGHT IN THE NOSE.

THERE AIN'T NO USE TO GET UPSET.

THEY GOT A RIGHT
TO PICK WHO THEY WANT.

OF ALL THE NERVE.

OF ALL THE NERVE!

BOY, THIS REALLY STEAMS ME.

TAKE IT EASY.

TAKE IT EASY, NOTHIN'.

WHAT ARE THEY, A BUNCH
OF SNOBS OR SOMETHIN'?

NOW, BARNEY...

IMAGINE THAT.
IMAGINE THAT...

TURNIN' DOWN
A NICE GUY LIKE YOU.

HUH?

WHO DO THEY THINK
THEY ARE, ANYWAY?

WELL, THEY COULDN'T FIND

A NICER GUY THAN YOU
IN THE WHOLE WORLD

TO BE IN THEIR OLD CLUB.

WELL, I'LL SHOW 'EM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

I'LL TELL YA WHAT I'M DOIN'.

IF YOU AIN'T GOOD ENOUGH
FOR 'EM, NEITHER AM I.

I'M SENDIN' IN
MY RESIGNATION.

HEY, BARNEY, GUESS WHAT?
WHAT?

I JUST WENT FISHING WITH ANOTHER
ONE OF THEM CLUB FELLAS,

AND HE WANTS US
TO JOIN HIS CLUB.

HE DOES?
YEAH.

I KNEW IT.

I KNEW THE MINUTE
THE WORD GOT AROUND

THAT WE DIDN'T GO
IN THE ESQUIRE CLUB,

ANOTHER OUTFIT WOULD
WANT TO SNAP US UP.

WHAT CLUB IS IT?
THE TOMAHAWKS.

THE TOMAHAWKS. DON'T BELIEVE
I EVER HEARD OF THE...

ARE YOU TRYING
TO PULL MY LEG?

SHH! HERE COMES
THE PRESIDENT NOW.

DID YOU TALK TO HIM, PAW?

YEP.

DOES HE WANT TO JOIN?

IT'D BE AN HONOR, OPE.

RAISE YOUR TOMAHAWK
IN YOUR RIGHT HAND.

FACE THE RISING SUN.

AND REPEAT AFTER ME.

AS A TOMAHAWK,
I SOLEMNLY SWEAR

TO BE FAIR AND SQUARE
AT ALL TIMES.

AS A TOMAHAWK,
AS A TOMAHAWK,

I SOLEMNLY SWEAR
I SOLEMNLY SWEAR

TO BE FAIR AND SQUARE
TO BE FAIR AND SQUARE

AT ALL TIMES.
AT ALL TIMES.