The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 1, Episode 18 - Andy the Marriage Counselor - full transcript

GOLLY, THAT MUST BE SOME BOOK.

FIRST TIME I EVER SAW
A FELLOW GET ALL WORE OUT

JUST READIN'.

THIS IS A HUMDINGER,
YOU KNOW THAT?

THE ART OF JUDO.

IT OUGHT TO BE
REQUIRED READIN'

FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT
OFFICERS.

IS THAT RIGHT?

YEAH.

JUST LISTEN TO THIS:

"THE PRACTICE OF JUDO
IS NOT LIMITED



"TO SEEKING PHYSICAL PERFECTION.

"THROUGH HARD PRACTICE
OF JUDO

ONE WILL BE ABLE TO CULTIVATE
COURAGE TO ENDURE HARDSHIP."

I'LL BE DOGGED.

PROFESSOR MATSUMATO WROTE THAT.

HE DON'T COME FROM AROUND HERE,
DOES HE?

NO. HE'S FROM THE OLD COUNTRY.

NOW, JUST
FOR AN EXAMPLE.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO

IF YOU WAS TRYIN' TO ARREST
A DESPERATE CRIMINAL

COMIN' AT YOU
WITH A KNIFE

BUT YOU WAS UNARMED--

UH...

RUN?



[ LAUGHING ]

YOU'D USE
THE KAMASHIHO GATAMI.

THE HOW?

THAT MEANS
COUNTER THE ATTACK.

OH.

I'LL SHOW YOU.

COME ON,
I'LL SHOW YOU.

HUH?

SEE THAT KNIFE?

THAT'S A KNIFE.

OH, THAT'S A KNIFE.

LIKE THAT?

NOW YOU COME AT ME

LIKE YOU WAS
GONNA ATTACK ME.

COME AT YOU?

YES, RIGHT AT ME.

RIGHT AT YOU?

YEAH, REAL FAST.

WHAT IF
I HURT YOU?

YOU WON'T
HURT ME.

RIGHT AT YOU?
LET'S GO.

HOLD IT!

JUST A SECOND,
WAIT A MINUTE.

[ GRUNTING ]

YOU GONNA TO DO
ALL THAT TO ME?

NO, NO, I'LL TAKE IT
EASY ON YOU.

I'LL TAKE IT EASY.

COME AT ME.

RIGHT AT YOU?

YEAH. READY?
OKAY, READY.

HA! ONE, TWO...

ANDY, UM,
YOU WANNA LET LOOSE

LET GO...

IS THAT ALL
THERE IS TO IT?

NO, YOU DID
SOMETHING WRONG.

I STILL GOT THE KNIFE.

I KNOW, BUT YOU DID
SOMETHING WRONG.

YOU DIDN'T
DO IT RIGHT, ANDY.

OH, WELL, I'M SORRY.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

WAIT A MINUTE,
I'M GONNA TRY THE OTHER WAY.

OKAY.

OH, THIS IS THE KOMASHIDO.

YEAH?

THE KOMASHI METHOD.

KOMASHIDO?

DO THIS
IN SLOW MOTION.

YEAH.
THIS WAY?

COME AT ME
THIS WAY.

DOWN?

YEAH, GET HER
UP THERE.

SLOW MOTION.

I'LL SHOW YOU
STEP BY STEP.

COME ON.

OKAY.

LOOK AT THAT.

SEE THAT?

YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

NOW I JUST DO THIS.

YEAH?

DOESN'T MATTER
HOW STRONG YOU ARE

BECAUSE IT'S LEVERAGE.

I JUST FORCE
YOU RIGHT DOWN.

I'LL BE DOGGED.

NOW, LET'S TRY IT.

REALLY FAST.

REALLY TRY TO GET ME.

OKAY, YOU READY?

YEAH.

HI, HIP, HEH.

COME ON.

HIP, HA! HEE!

NOW I JUST
FORCE YOU...

LIKE THAT.

[ GROANING ]

YOU WANT
TO LET ME UP?

HUH?

WANT TO JUST
LET ME UP?

IS THAT ALL
YOU GONNA DO?

WELL, YOU DID
SOMETHING WRONG.

YOU DID
SOMETHING WRONG.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT WAS.

OH, GOLLY, I'M SORRY.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

[ PHONE RINGS ]

HELLO, SHERIFF'S OFFICE.

WHAT?

AGAIN?

ALL RIGHT,
WE'LL BE RIGHT OVER.

I SEE WHAT
YOU DID WRONG NOW.

YOU WAS HOLDIN' THE KNIFE
IN THE WRONG HAND.

OH, I'M SORRY.

I'LL TRY TO BE
MORE CONSIDERATE

NEXT TIME
I ATTACK YOU.

BETTER SEE IF
THEY GOT ANY DEFENSE

AGAINST AN ATTACK
BY FLYIN' PLATES.

FLYIN' PLATES?

YEAH, THE BOONES.

ARE THEY AT IT AGAIN?

YEAH, JUST HAD A CALL
FROM A NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR.

SOUNDS LIKE A WILD
AND WOOLLY ONE.

THEM TWO BEAT EVERYTHING,
DON'T THEY?

EVER SINCE MOVING
TO TOWN

THEY BEEN
AT EACH OTHER.

YEAH.

TAKE YOUR BOOK ALONG.

HUH?

WELL, MAYBE YOU CAN
PRACTICE ON MIZ BOONE.

OH.

[ WOMAN YELLING ]

[ CROCKERY BREAKING ]

[ MAN YELLING ]

GO IN THERE,
SHERIFF

BEFORE THEY KILL
ONE ANOTHER.

IT'LL BE A GOOD THING.

MAYBE WE'D GET
A LITTLE PEACE HERE.

CAN'T YOU DO SOMETHING
ABOUT IT, SHERIFF?

MAYBE YOU ALL BETTER
JUST GO ON HOME.

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

YEAH, YEAH,
GET BACK, EVERYBODY.

WE'RE GOING IN NOW.

Man:
AFTER THAT GARBAGE...!

OPEN UP IN THERE!

OPEN UP IN THE NAME
OF THE LAW!

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

OPEN UP, I SAID!

THIS IS
DEPUTY BARNEY FIFE!

[ CROCKERY SHATTERS ]

FRED, JENNIE?

YOU AIN'T GOT A CHANCE.

THE PLACE IS SURROUNDED.

NOW OPEN THIS DOOR!

...YOU FAT-MOUTHED...

BARNEY, WHY DON'T
WE JUST OPEN IT?

NOW YOU REALLY
GOT US RILED.

YOU ALMOST
HIT THE SHERIFF.

GO GET 'EM, SHERIFF.

STOP, STOP, STOP,
STOP IT, RIGHT NOW!

WHY, HELLO, ANDY.

HOW ARE YOU?

GLAD TO SEE YOU.

FRED, YOU
AND JENNIE KNOW

YOU'RE DISTURBIN'
THE PEACE.

WE'RE JUST HAVIN'
A FRIENDLY ARGUMENT.

I WANT YOU
TO STOP IT.

QUIT IT RIGHT NOW.

I'LL QUIT WHEN SHE QUITS
HER EVER-LAST NAGGIN'.

NAGGIN'?

NAG, NAG, NAG.

HOW'D YOU LIKE
A BIG FAT LIP?

I'D LIKE IT FINE.

MATCH YOUR
BIG FAT MOUTH.

DON'T TELL ME
TO SHUT UP,

YOU OLD CROW.

CROW, CROW!

[ CAWING ]

[ EVERYBODY SHOUTING ]

JENNIE, PUT THAT
CUP DOWN.

PUT IT DOWN
RIGHT NOW!

[ SHATTERS ]

[ GROANS ]

I DIDN'T MEAN THERE.

ALL RIGHT, SHERIFF,
WHAT DO YOU SAY?

DO WE PULL 'EM IN?

DON'T THINK
I AIN'T TEMPTED.

DON'T THINK
I AIN'T GOT GROUNDS

TO DO IT, TOO.

FRED,
YOU AND JENNIE

IT'S THE LAST TIME
I'M WARNIN' YOU.

THE NEXT TIME
I'LL PULL YOU IN.

THERE BETTER
NOT BE A NEXT TIME

DO YOU HEAR ME?

SORRY TO CAUSE
YOU TROUBLE, ANDY.

I'M SORRY, ANDY.

HOPE I DIDN'T HURT
YOUR FOOT NONE, BARNEY.

OH, WELL, NO.

IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT
IN A COUPLE WEEKS.

I WANT
BOTH OF YOU

TO STRAIGHTEN UP
AND ACT LIKE SOMEBODY.

WE GOTTA GET
SOME FISHIN' IN, ANDY.

YEAH, I RECKON
WE HAVE.

I'VE BEEN
BUSY LATELY.

WE'LL GET UP A TRIP
PRETTY SOON.

COME BACK AGAIN,
ANDY.

HOW'S AUNT BEE?

OH, SHE,
SHE'S DOING FINE.

WE'LL SEE YOU.
ALL RIGHT.

Fred: SEE WHAT
YOUR BIG MOUTH DID?

MY BIG MOUTH,
YOU BIG BABOON?

FRED!
YOU AND JENNIE -- I MEAN IT.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

[ ALL SHOUTING ]

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES,
WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?

THAT WARNING
YOU GIVE 'EM LAST NIGHT

DIDN'T DO ANY GOOD.

THIS MORNIN'
THEY'S AT IT AGAIN.

I WAS OUT ON PATROL
AND HEARD THE RACKET.

YOU'RE THE LIMIT.

DON'T YOU EVEN
STOP FOR BREAKFAST?

WHAT AM I
GONNA DO WITH YOU?

WHAT AM I GONNA
DO WITH YOU?

IF SHE WOULD JUST
KEEP HER BIG MOUTH SHUT...

ALL SHE DOES
IS...

QUIET!

THROW THE BOOK
AT 'EM.

WOULDN'T DO ANY GOOD.

JENNIE'D PICK IT UP
AND THROW IT BACK AT FRED.

IF I WAS YOU I'D LOCK 'EM UP

AND THROW AWAY THE KEY.

THAT WOULDN'T
DO ANY GOOD, EITHER

BECAUSE AS SOON AS
THEY'D GET OUT

THEY'D START IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

FRED, YOU AND JENNIE, I DECLARE

YOU'RE JUST AS GUILTY
AS ALL GET OUT.

I JUST DON'T KNOW
WHAT IN THE WORLD

TO DO WITH YOU.

EVER SINCE YOU MOVED HERE

YOU GET ALONG
WITH EVERYBODY ELSE FINE

YOU'RE NICE FOLKS.

HOW COME YOU ALL
CAN'T GET ALONG?

HE'S THE MEANEST...

...GET ALONG
WITH A SNAKE?

NOW, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

I AM BOUND TO FIND OUT
WHAT STARTS THESE FIGHTS

AND THEN MAYBE WE CAN WORK
FROM THERE.

WHAT WAS IT
STARTED THE ROW THIS MORNIN'?

I WAS
AT BREAKFAST.

HA! IF YOU COULD
CALL IT THAT.

HE THROWED HIS PLATE OF FOOD
ON THE FLOOR.

FOOD?

HA! THAT SLOP WASN'T
FIT FOR THE HOGS.

OH, IT WAS
FIT FOR HOGS.

THAT'S WHY
I GIVE IT TO YOU.

THERE, YOU SEE
WHAT I MEAN?

YOU NOTICE HOW
SHE KEEPS...

HOLD IT!

WAIT A MINUTE.

FRED, FRED...

YOU AND JENNIE...

WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING
YOU SAID

THIS MORNIN'
AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE?

FIRST THING?

THAT'S RIGHT.

FIRST THING I SAY
EVERY MORNIN'.

WHAT'S THAT?

YEUCH.

UH-HUH.

WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO, ANDY?

WELL, I BELIEVE

WE'LL JUST TRY A
LITTLE EXPERIMENT HERE.

FRED, I WANT YOU
TO SET DOWN RIGHT THERE.

AND, JENNIE, YOU SET DOWN
RIGHT THERE.

DO I HAVE
TO SIT?

YES, YOU HAVE
TO SET RIGHT DOWN.

NOW, NOW, NOW,
THIS IS YOU TWO

OVER AT YOUR HOUSE
AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE.

NOW, FRED,
I WANT YOU

TO SAY SOMETHING NICE
TO JENNIE.

WHAT?

YEAH, SAY SOMETHING NICE
TO JENNIE.

TO HER?

THAT'S RIGHT.

I'D RATHER
EAT THE SLOP.

FRED, SAY
SOMETHING NICE

OR GET LOCKED UP
IN ONE OF THEM CELLS.

WELL, UH...

UH...

THIS AIN'T GONNA WORK, ANDY.

HE CAN'T EVEN THINK
OF ONE THING.

ALL NEW THINGS
COME HARD,

BUT I'M SURE FRED
CAN WORK UP TO IT.

LET'S SEE.

HOW ABOUT
A NICE "GOOD MORNIN'"

JUST FOR A STARTER?

OH, SHERIFF,
THAT'S CRAZY...

FRED.

[ gruffly ]:
MORNIN'!

NOT "MORNIN'!"

NICE AND POLITE,
LIKE "GOOD MORNIN'."

NOW, FRED, SAY IT
OR GET LOCKED UP.

M... MORNIN'.

NOW, NOW YOU,
JENNIE.

JENNIE?

MORNIN'.

UH-HUH.

NOW, "GOOD MORNIN',
DEAR."

"DEAR"?

"DEAR."

I'D RATHER DIE.

COME ON, JENNIE,
YOU CAN DO IT.

"MORNIN', DEAR."

HOW COME YOU GIVE ME
THE REAL HARD ONES?

BECAUSE YOU'RE
A LADY.

NOW, COME ON,
GIVE IT A TRY.

"MORNIN'..."

MORNIN'...

"DEAR."

DEAR.

NOW YOU AGAIN, FRED.

"MORNIN', HONEY."

HONEY?
OH, SHERIFF...

"HONEY."

A MAN'S JUST MADE
OUT OF FLESH AND BLOOD,

YOU KNOW?

COME ON, FRED.

"GOOD MORNIN', HONEY."

YOU THINK IT'D HELP
IF I HELD THIS UP TO HIS HEAD?

IT MIGHT MAKE HIM SAY IT.

COME ON, FRED.

"MORNIN', HONEY."

MORNIN', HONEY!

NOW, THAT WASN'T
SO BAD, WAS IT?

IT WASN'T SO GOOD, NEITHER.

I'D RATHER BE CALLED "SKUNK
FACE" THAN "HONEY" LIKE THAT.

IT AIN'T GONNA WORK, ANDY,
AIN'T GONNA WORK.

NOW, THAT WASN'T HALF BAD
FOR A STARTER.

WE'LL DO THIS
EVERY MORNIN' FOR 15 MINUTES

TILL YOU GET
THE HABIT.

DO WHAT?
DO WHAT?

THAT'S RIGHT,
YOU'RE BOTH ON PROBATION

YOU BETTER SHOW UP.

OH, BUT...

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T

I'LL COME
AND LOCK YOU UP.

DO THIS
EVERY MORNIN'?

THAT'S RIGHT.

SHERIFF...

NOW YOU'VE GOT
THE WORDS OUT

LET'S WORK ON
THE RIGHT EXPRESSION.

NOW, JENNIE,
IT'S NOT, IT'S NOT

[ curtly ]:
"MORNIN', DEAR."

IT'S... [ softly ]:
"MORNIN', DEAR."

FRED, IT'S ... [ softly ]:
"MORNIN', HONEY."

NOW, LET'S
EVERYBODY TOGETHER.

MORNIN', DEAR.

MORNIN', HONEY.

All:
MORNIN', DEAR.

MORNIN', HONEY.

MORNIN', DEAR...

ANDY,
THAT WAS BRILLIANT.

JUST PLAIN BRILLIANT.

YEAH, IT IS,
AIN'T IT?

WELL,
IT CERTAINLY IS.

THAT'S WHAT
MOST THINGS ARE-- HABIT.

AND IF YOU CAN
GET FOLKS INTO THE HABIT

OF GETTING ALONG
INSTEAD OF FIGHTING

THEY WILL.

GET ALONG,
I MEAN, THAT IS.

YEAH, THAT'S THE WAY
I HAD IT FIGURED.

I SAYS TO MYSELF, I SAYS

I'LL GET 'EM
IN THE HABIT

AND THEN...

Opie:
NO, WE AIN'T.

Boy:
WE ARE, TOO.

IT'S MY HOUSE
AND I DON'T WANNA.

I'M THE COMPANY
SO YOU GOTTA.

NO, I AIN'T.

YES, YOU DO.

OPIE, YOU AND BILLY
STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

JUST STOP THAT,
STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

NOW, OPIE, EVERY TIME
BILLY COMES OVER HERE

YOU ALL WIND UP
ROLLIN' AROUND ON THE FLOOR

AND REARRANGIN'
THE FURNITURE.

HOW COME
YOU CAN'T PLAY NICE?

'CAUSE HE'S AS STUBBORN
AS A MULE.

I AM NOT, YOU ARE!

I AM NOT, YOU ARE.

YOU BOTH ARE.

I'M TIRED OF THIS
HOWLIN' AND YOWLIN'

EVERY TIME
YOU GET TOGETHER.

IF YOU CAN'T
PLAY NICE

MAYBE I BETTER
TELL BILLY

NOT TO COME HERE.

ANDY?

MA'AM?

YOU'RE NOT BEING BRILLIANT.

HUH?

HABIT, REMEMBER?

OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

UH...

YOUNG 'UNS?

I TELL YOU WHAT
I'M GONNA DO WITH YOU.

NOW, EVERY TIME YOU ALL
PLAY NICE TOGETHER,

NO HOWLIN' AND NO YOWLIN'

AND NO MOVIN'
THE FURNITURE AROUND,

I'M GONNA GIVE EACH ONE OF YOU
A SHINY NEW NICKEL.

HOW DOES THAT
SET WITH YOU?

A NICKEL, PAW?

A WHOLE NICKEL?

JUST FOR PLAYIN' NICE?

BOY, FOR THAT MUCH MONEY
I'D PLAY NICE WITH A POLECAT.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

ALL RIGHT,
LET'S GIVE IT A TRY, THEN.

WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO PLAY, OPIE?

ANYTHING YOU WANT
TO PLAY, BILLY.

WELL, YOU DID IT AGAIN,
DIDN'T YOU?

OH, NOW, AUNT BEE.

WELL, YOU DID.

WELL, THE WAY
I FIGURE IT

IS THEY'LL DO IT
FOR THE NICKEL, SEE

AND THEN THEY'LL
GET USED TO IT

AND, UH...

NOW, WHAT...

WHAT WAS THAT WORD
YOU CALLED IT A WHILE AGO?

"HABIT"?

NO.

"GETTING ALONG."

UH, NO,
IT STARTED WITH A "B."

A "B"?

"BRILLIANT"?

OH, NOW, AUNT BEE.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME
MORE COFFEE, DEAR?

NO, THANK YOU... HONEY.

THE EGGS
ARE DELICIOUS.

THANK YOU, DEAR.

I'M GLAD YOU LIKE THEM.

YOU'RE WELCOME, HONEY.

OH, THAT WAS
FINE, FINE!

AIN'T NO USE
OVERDOIN' IT, THOUGH.

ANYWAY, YOUR TIME'S UP,
YOU CAN GO NOW.

[ CHUCKLES ]

AND WE'LL DO
HANDSHAKIN' TOMORROW.

HANDSHAKIN'?

NO USE TO GO
INTO A PANIC, FRED.

IT WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME
IF IN A WEEK'S TIME

IT DIDN'T BOTHER YOU AT ALL.

LET'S HEAR IT
ONE MORE TIME.

MORNIN', DEAR.

MORNIN', HONEY.

[ testily ]:
MORNIN', DEAR.

[ strained ]:
MORNIN', HONEY.

MORNIN', DEAR.

MORNIN'--

UH, FRED, FRED!

THE DOOR, REMEMBER?

OH.

AFTER YOU, HONEY.

THANK YOU, DEAR.

GOOD FELLA.

WHY DON'T YOU GO TAKE A...

WELL, YOU STILL THINK
THIS AIN'T GONNA WORK, BARNEY?

I GOT TO ADMIT
YOU GOT THINGS

COMIN' OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS

I NEVER WOULD'VE
THOUGHT POSSIBLE.

BUT WHAT'S TO STOP THEM
FROM GOIN' HOME NOW

AND HAVIN' A DINGBUSTER
OF A BATTLE?

WELL, I'LL
TELL YOU, BARNEY.

IN THE FIRST PLACE, THEM TWO'S
IN TOO GREAT A STATE OF SHOCK

TO THINK OF FIGHTIN'.

AND IN THE SECOND PLACE

BY THE TIME
THE SHOCK WEARS OFF

WHY, THE HABIT
WILL HAVE TAKEN OVER.

NO, I THINK THE BOONES'
FIGHTIN' DAYS IS FINISHED.

WELL, GOOD.

GOOD? IT'S BRILLIANT.

I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT,
ANGEL.

YES, DEAR.

BYE, DEAR.
BYE, DEAR.

OH, THAT WAS FINE.

I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT!
LET'S GO, DEAR.

SEE YOU TOMORROW.

WE KNOW IT, BARNEY!

WE'LL BE HERE.

MORNING, HONEY.
MORNING, DEAR.

MORNING, HONEY.
MORNING, DEAR.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, THEY'RE KINDA SHORT
WITH US,

BUT THEY'RE DOING JUST FINE
WITH EACH OTHER.

YEAH, AIN'T THEY?

I GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU,
ANDY --

I NEVER WOULD HAVE BELIEVED
IT COULD HAVE BEEN DONE.

WELL, IT JUST SHOWS YOU

WHAT A LITTLE PATIENCE
AND PRACTICE WILL DO.

SURE ARE CHANGED.

YEAH, JUST TWO NICE,
KIND, GENTLE FOLKS.

DEAL THE CARDS,
WILL YOU, CLIFF?

YOU GONNA SHUFFLE ALL NIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WHAT ARE WE PLAYING HERE --
HEARTS OR TIDDLYWINKS?

THE MAN'S DEALING THE CARDS
LIKE YOU ASKED HIM TO.

PIPE DOWN, WILL YOU, GIL?

I AIN'T TALKING TO YOU.
I KNOW YOU'RE NOT.

WELL, THEN, BUTT OUT.

WHAT'S GOT INTO YOU LATELY,
FRED?
WHAT?

WELL, YOU WAS ALWAYS
SO FRIENDY-LIKE WHEN
WE PLAYED HEARTS,

BUT LATELY YOU BEEN KINDA
MEAN-LIKE.

YOU TRYING TO START SOMETHING,
GIL?

NO, NO, NO.

YEAH, FRED, I'VE NOTICED LATELY
THAT YOU --

DEAL!

WHAT --
WHAT IS IT, DEAR?

I WAS JUST WONDERING

IF YOU AND THE BOYS WOULD
LIKE SOME COFFEE, DEAR?

WELL, THAT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU,
DARLING.

YOU FELLAS
WANT SOME COFFEE?!

ALL RIGHT, SPEAK UP!

S-S-SURE. THANKS.
Y-YEAH, I'LL HAVE SOME.

YES, DARLING,
THEY'LL HAVE SOME.

THANK YOU, DEAR.
YOU'RE WELCOME, DEAR.

WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE CARDS?
DEAL, WILL YOU?!

HI, AUNT BEE.

EVENING, ANDY.

HOW'S THE EXPERIMENT
WITH THE BOONES
COMIN' ALONG?

OH, FINE, FINE.

THAT'S GOOD.

YOU OUGHT TO SEE THE WAY
THEY TALK TO ONE ANOTHER--

JUST AS FRIENDLY AND POLITE.

I'M GLAD THEY TALK
TO EACH OTHER THAT WAY.

JENNIE HASN'T BEEN TALKING
LIKE THAT LATELY.

HUH?

WELL, I MET HER
ON THE STREET YESTERDAY

AND I SAID SOMETHING TO HER

AND SHE PRACTICALLY
TOOK MY HEAD OFF.

WELL, WHAT IN THE WORLD
DID YOU SAY?

A PERFECTLY INNOCENT THING.

I THINK I REMARKED THAT SHE WAS
WEARING HER HAIR DIFFERENTLY.

AND SHE TURNED ON ME LIKE A CAT.

WELL, MAYBE
SHE'S FEELIN' POORLY.

NO, NO. I NEVER REMEMBER
SEEING HER THIS WAY.

SHE WAS ALWAYS A FRIENDLY SORT
OF EASYGOING WOMAN.

HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED
THE CHANGE IN HER, ANDY?

WELL, NOW... NOW
THAT YOU MENTION IT

THEY, THEY BOTH BEEN
A LITTLE BIT SNAPPISH.

WELL, GOLLY, THEY GET ALONG
FINE WITH ONE ANOTHER.

WHY, I AIN'T HAD
A SINGLE COMPLAINT

ABOUT THEM DISTURBIN'
THE PEACE LATELY.

WELL, NOW, I WONDER IF THEY
REALLY PREFER IT THAT WAY.

HMM?

MAYBE THEY'RE MORE CONTENT
WHEN THEY'RE BICKERING.

YOU MEAN, MAYBE
THEY CAN ONLY BE HAPPY

WHEN THEY'RE PICKIN'
AT EACH OTHER?

AND, UH, MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY

THAT THEY SHOW THEIR LOVE
FOR ONE ANOTHER?

SOUNDS PECULIAR
BUT IT'S NOT UNUSUAL.

HUH.

OH, HI, OPE.

HI, PAW.

WELL, BOY, YOU SURE
ARE THE QUIET ONE.

UH-HUH.

WELL, WHAT'S
THE MATTER?

AIN'T YOU BEEN PLAYIN'
WITH YOUR FRIEND BILLY LATELY?

NO.

WELL, HOW COME?

HE DON'T LIKE
COMIN' HERE ANYMORE.

WELL, WHY NOT?

SAYS YOU CAN'T PLAY
COPS AND ROBBERS

OR COWBOYS HERE.

YOU GOT TO PLAY NICE.

WELL, I GAVE YOU ALL A NICKEL

EVERY TIME YOU DID PLAY NICE.

I KNOW, PAW.

BUT BILLY WOULD RATHER
PLAY GOOD GAMES FOR NOTHIN'

THAN GET A NICKEL
FOR PLAYIN' NICE.

SURE IS BORIN', PAW.

WELL, WELL, NOW,
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

LET ME, LET ME JUST UNDERSTAND
SOMETHIN' HERE.

UH, YOU MEAN, YOU MEAN
ALL THOSE NICKELS

THAT I GAVE
YOU AND BILLY

KINDA TOOK THE FUN
OUT OF PLAYIN'

AND YOU'D LIKE TO GO BACK
TO THE WAY IT WAS?

PLAYIN' KIND OF WILD
AND MESSIN' AROUND

BECAUSE IT COMES
MORE NATURAL TO YOU?

YEAH, PAW.

[ KNOCKING AT DOOR ]

WELL, CLIFF, WHAT IN THE WORLD
HAPPENED TO YOU?

ARE YOU HURT?

OH, IT'S THAT FRED BOONE,
SHERIFF.

YOU GOT TO DO
SOMETHIN' ABOUT HIM.

WELL, WHAT DID HE DO?

HE'S BEEN ACTIN'
MEANER THAN A BEAR LATELY

AND TONIGHT WHILST
WE WAS PLAYIN' CARDS

HE BEGIN TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
HOW I WAS DEALIN' TOO SLOW.

HE DID?

AND NEXT THING I KNOW,
HE PUNCHED ME IN THE NOSE.

FOR NOTHIN'!

THERE WAS A PITCHER OF WATER
ON THE TABLE

AND I JUST GOT OUT
BEFORE HE COULD THROW IT.

[ KNOCKING AT DOOR ]

WELL, I'LL BE DOGGED.

I GOT THE PITCHER
OF WATER.

WELL, YOU ALL
GO ON HOME

AND I'LL TAKE
CARE OF THIS.

TAKE CARE OF YOUR NOSE, CLIFF.

UH...

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

OPIE, YOU KNOW, UH,
WHAT WE WAS TALKIN' ABOUT?

NOW, I'M NOT GOIN' TO GIVE YOU
AND BILLY ANY MORE NICKELS

FOR PLAYIN' NICE, YOU HEAR?

REALLY, PAW?

WE'LL GIVE BACK
THE NICKELS

YOU ALREADY GAVE US.

NO, NO.

YOU JUST KEEP THEM.

THAT'S A CHEAP PRICE

FOR LEARNIN' THAT WHAT
LOOKS LIKE RASSLIN' TO ONE

IS DANCIN' TO ANOTHER.

YOU WANT BILLY AND ME
TO DANCE, PAW?

NO, I WANT YOU TO HAVE FUN
ANY WAY IT'S FUN TO YOU.

AND THE BOONES, TOO.

[ WHISTLING ]

HOWDY, JENNIE.

NOW WHAT DO YOU WANT,
SHERIFF?

UH...MIND IF I COME IN?

COME ON IN.
I CAN'T STOP YOU.

SHERIFF JUST DROPPED IN

FOR A LITTLE VISIT, DEAR.

THAT'S NICE, DEAR.

WELL, NOW, THAT'S NOT
EXACTLY THE WAY IT IS.

ACTUALLY I HAD A PURPOSE
IN COMIN' OVER.

I BEEN STUDYIN' ABOUT HOW GOOD
Y'ALL HAVE BEEN GETTIN' ALONG

FOR THE LAST TEN DAYS

AND I JUST DON'T SEE
ANY POINT IN CONTINUIN'

OUR MORNIN' TRAININ' SESSIONS.

IN FACT, I THOUGHT IT WOULD
BE FITTIN' AND PROPER

IF WE HAD
A LITTLE GRADUATION CEREMONY.

I BROUGHT A LITTLE
SWEET CIDER

FOR US TO CELEBRATE WITH.

I'LL GET US SOME GLASSES.

SUIT YOURSELF, SHERIFF.

SAY WHAT
YOU HAVE TO SAY, SHERIFF

AND GET ON WITH IT.

ALL RIGHT.

MY FRIENDS, WE ARE GATHERED
HERE THIS EVENIN'

TO MARK THE BEGINNIN'
OF A NEW LIFE.

A LIFE OF PEACE AND QUIET
AND GETTIN' ALONG.

THE BEAUTY AND JOY OF WHICH
YOU NOW KNOW

AND I'M SURE AIN'T
NEVER GOIN' TO FORGET.

IT AIN'T NO MORE
THAN FITTIN', THEN

THAT WE EXPRESS
OUR APPRECIATION.

TO YOU, JENNIE,
WHO MADE ALL THIS POSSIBLE

WHEN YOU STOPPED NEEDLIN'

AND RIDIN'
AND RAILIN'

AND HARASSIN' AND NAGGIN'
POOR OLD FRED HERE.

NOW, HOLD ON A MINUTE, SHERIFF.

I NEVER DID

ALL THAT MUCH NAGGIN'.

WELL, I'M SORRY, JENNIE.

UH, TO YOU THEN, FRED

WHO MADE ALL THIS
HAPPY LIFE POSSIBLE

WHEN YOU STOPPED
COMIN' HOME

ALL MEAN AND NASTY
AND AWFUL.

NOW HOLD ON, SHERIFF.

I MAY HAVE COME HOME
OUT OF SORTS FROM TIME TO TIME

BUT YOU GOT NO CALL TO SAY
THAT I WAS MEAN AND ORNERY.

UH, TO, UH,
TO WHOEVER WAS THE WORST.

NOW, LOOK HERE, JENNIE,
I MAY HAVE BEEN BAD

BUT I WASN'T THE WORST.

MEANIN' I WAS, I SUPPOSE, DEAR.

WELL, YOU DIDN'T HELP MATTERS
MUCH, DEAR.

AND I SUPPOSE YOU DID, DEAR,

WITH YOUR MEANNESS
AND NASTINESS AND...

ORNERINESS?

...ORNERINESS.

IF I WAS, IT WAS YOUR NAGGIN'

AND, AND YOUR...

SNIVELLIN'?

....SNIVELLIN' THAT DID IT.

SNIVELLIN'? WHY, YOU, YOU...

BLACKHEARTED BUZZARD?

...BLACKHEARTED
BUZZARD!

WHY, I'D RATHER
BE A BUZZARD

THAN A NAGGIN',
SNIVELLIN' OLD...

FISHWIFE?

FISHWIFE!

FISHWIFE?
YOU HEARD ME!

OH, YOU MEAN
OL' COOT--

YOU OLD BATTLE-AX,
DON'T YOU CALL ME--

I'LL CALL YOU
ANYTHING I WANT...!

HEY, FRED AND JENNIE!

I'M LEAVIN' NOW. BYE.

NICE TO SEE YOU,
SHERIFF.

COME BACK AGAIN SOON.

BYE.

IF YOU AS MUCH AS OPEN
YOUR BIG MOUTH TO ME...!

[ ARGUMENT CONTINUING ]

[ POTTERY BREAKING ]

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OH, GOLLY, YOU LOOK PRETTY AS
A PICTURE IN THEM PAJAMAS.

THEY'RE NOT PAJAMAS.

THIS IS A JUDOGI OUTFIT.

JUDOGI?
YEAH.

THAT'S JUDO
TRAINING CLOTHES.

OH. HUH.
YEAH.

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT -- IN
A JAPANESE WAR-SURPLUS STORE?

I SENT AWAY TO
PROFESSOR MATSUMATO FOR IT.

MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE
IN THE WORLD --

YOU KNOW, RIGHT IN HERE.

[ GRUNTING ]
HYAH! HYAH!

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO
WHEN YOU START...

WHAT'S THAT?

I'LL SHOW YOU.

NOW, STAB ME AGAIN.

THIS TIME,
COME IN LIKE THAT.

I'LL SHOW YOU
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
THIS IS NEW.

NOW,
DO IT IN SLOW-MOTION.

THIS IS NEW?
YEAH. SLOW-MOTION.

READY? HYAH!

HYAH?
YEAH.

OKAY, GO AHEAD.

HYAH!

READY?
UH-HUH.

KNOCKED HER OUT OF THERE.

RIGHT OUT OF MY HAND.
THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD TRICK.

YEAH, OKAY. I THINK
I GOT THE KNACK OF IT.

LET'S GIVE HER A REAL TRY.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU OUGHT TO
PRACTICE MAYBE ONE MORE TIME?

WHAT FOR?
I GOT IT DOWN PAT.

COME ON.
WELL, WHAT IF I CUT YOU?

YOU WON'T CUT ME.
READY?

ZZZAH!

HUP! HAR!

AAH!

DARN YOU, ANDY!

[ WHISTLING SPRIGHTLY TUNE ]