The Adventures of Pete & Pete (1992–1996): Season 1, Episode 1 - The King of the Road - full transcript
The Wrigleys' annual trip to the Hoover Dam turns into a competition with another family. Don, who wants to keep his title as "King Of The Road", tries to beat them there, but his efforts are threatened by frequent bathroom breaks...
that it's time for our family
to really learn
what it means to be a family.
That's it.
If we were just Eskimos,
we could all
just go out and harpoon
a whale together.
Hold it right there.
But since we're Wrigleys,
we have to do it
the hard way
and take a family trip.
It's a tribal ritual
that means a lot to our dad.
All right, bring it on.
Most of the time
he was just an ordinary dad
with ordinary-dad powers...
( grunting )
But for two weeks every summer,
during our annual trip
to the Hoover Dam,
he was something special.
Perfect.
He was the king,
the king of the road.
He had earned his crown
over the years
by being the best on the road
in the three major
dad-driving categories:
And three, the true measure
of dad greatness:
He had asked for plates
that spelled out
his title a little better,
but "King O Frod" was
the best our state could do.
It wasn't perfect,
but Dad didn't care.
When you're the king, you've got
other things to worry about,
like gas mileage
and hydroplaning
and most importantly...
I know a shortcut.
...defending your crown.
Subtitle Rip: uNCeNSoReD
? Hey, smilin' strange ?
? You're lookin'
happily deranged ?
? Can you settle to shoot me ?
? Or have you picked
your target yet? ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Don't you talk back ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Don't you talk back ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Don't you talk back ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy, hey. ?
( harmonica playing )
( harmonica music continues )
( music stops )
( harmonica music resumes )
Once the king
hits the open road,
there are always two signs
( music stops )
that tell me
we're really on our way.
First, the local radio station
begins to fade.
( radio fades in and out )
Our mom, who picks up
the radio signals
from the metal plate
in her head,
tries her best
to keep the station
but pretty soon, it's just gone.
Then we pass outside
the superhero
jurisdiction of Artie,
the strongest man in the world.
God speed, my Vikings!
Hey-hey.
That's when I know
there's no turning back.
For the next 23
and a half hours,
it's just me and the family.
( inhaling sharply )
( grunts, hissing )
New record.
Huh. Look at that guy.
What a joke.
Hey, nice stack, buddy!
You men behave yourself.
Hey, look--
he can't even look at me.
He's too ashamed.
That's right, buddy.
Avert your eyes
in the presence of the king.
I hope he's not going
to Hoover Dam.
It just wouldn't be right.
Hoover Dam is too good
for a family like that.
I forgot to mention
that the king practically
worships the Hoover Dam.
I think he identifies with dams
because they represent
man's ability to tame nature.
That's what he thought
being a dad was all about.
Just as a dam turns an
untamed river into electricity,
Dad wanted to turn us
into something useful, too.
Synchronize rear flaps.
Rear flaps
synchronized.
He had a long way to go.
I always hoped that if we got
the angle just right,
the car would lift off,
and I could fly it away
to someplace fun.
Hey, how many times
have I told you guys, huh?
Hands in the car!
Hey, you been futzing with
the electric system again, huh?
( windows whirring )
One car game the king
didn't seem to mind
was something called
Road Kill Auto Bingo.
( thudding )
Direct hit!
Uh, a gopher.
No, uh, a snake.
Mom thought the game was sick,
but Dad always said
that sacrificing their life
on the open road
was the highest honor
a lower life-form
could ever receive.
To the king,
sacrifice was everything.
Hey, did you guys know
that 21 men died
making the Hoover Dam?
You mean their guts
are in the dam?
Son...
their souls are
in that dam.
( "Taps" playing )
They died so that
we could enjoy
the benefits
of electricity
that runs cleaner
and stronger
than regular
electricity.
Well, it even
sounds better.
Did you ever
heard the sound
of dam electricity?
I-I-It's like a song.
Speaking of songs...
I think there's one
in here about a dam.
DAD:
Yeah?
Uh-oh.
By the looks of things, I knew
I only had seconds to escape.
I figured if I tucked and
rolled when I hit the ground,
I might only break
both of my legs.
? Well, the Hoover Dam was... ?
Crud.
The king was feeling
totally invincible.
I could tell by his elbow.
? The Hoover Dam
was a mighty big dam... ?
Scientists have proven
that the amount of elbow
a dad has out the window
is directly proportionate
to how full of himself he is.
? The mighty Hoover Dam. ?
( laughing )
Did I ever
tell you guys
you're the best
family I know?
You are!
I mean, I'm making
great time.
I'm traveling with
a great family.
Hey, hey, what
do you say we do
something special,
you know, make
a pit stop?
Bug juice on the house,
and we'll even break
out the paper plates.
Yay!
Yay!
Why not?
I mean, I'm way
ahead of schedule.
How can it hurt, huh?
? Well, the Hoover Dam
is a mighty big dam... ?
As we were about to find out,
it was going to hurt,
and it was going to hurt bad.
You know, uh,
I wouldn't be
surprised if, uh,
some of these
dads out here have,
uh, heard of me.
Hey, aren't you that, uh,
king of the road guy?
( chuckles ):
You laugh,
but you know, these
highwaymen, they know.
Word gets out.
There's many
pretenders
out there,
but there's only
one... king.
It was just a station wagon,
but Dad stared at it like it
was his car's evil twin.
( car doors shut )
I thought Dad had lost it,
until I lost it, too.
Hi.
Dad knew there was something
suspicious going on,
but he couldn't quite put
his finger on it.
( air hissing )
Perfect.
Perfect.
Hi.
Hello.
Do you need a Wet-Nap?
We've got extra.
Thanks.
They're premoistened.
That's great.
Meanwhile, Dad found the words
he hoped he'd never see:
"King of Road."
I can handle
the boredom.
It's the loneliness
of the open road
that gets to me.
Well, for me, the
rhythm of the road--
it's like a
song of desire.
Exactly.
Let's go, let's go!
Come on, we're
wasting time.
We got to get
back on schedule.
Come on!
What are you doing?
We've got to clean up!
There's no time for that!
Let's get moving!
Let's get in the car!
Let's go, let's
go, let's go!
Come on!
I didn't eat yet!
Come on, come
on, come on, come
on, come on!
( groans )
Come on, come on,
grab everything!
Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go!
Making good time
on your excursion?
Yeah, sure. You bet.
Glad to hear it, partner.
Come on, come on!
Come on, come on!
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, get in the car!
Come on, come on!
Come on, honey!
That's it,
that's it!
Here we go, yeah!
All right.
LITTLE PETE:
Hey!
No, no!
Hey, come on!
This is a car,
not a toy!
Come on! What?
Oh, geez, give
me a break!
( horn honking )
Oh, I-I probably
ought to go.
Yeah, your dad seems
to be in a hurry.
Yeah, we've got a
date with destiny;
the Hoover Dam.
Well, that's where
we're going.
( horn honking )
I love dams.
Oh, really?
So do I.
Dams are so powerful,
the way they...
( horn honking )
tame nature.
Well, you know...
not all nature
can be tamed.
( horn honking )
M-Maybe I-I'll
see you there,
b-by the turbines.
Drive safely.
Bye.
( horn honks continuously )
Hey, Dad, you'll never guess
where that family's going.
The Hoover Dam.
( tires screeching )
With that little
vacation update,
Dad knew that his title
was on the line.
The king was going
to have to fight...
to defend his crown.
As Dad tried to put more
and more distance
between our car
and the mystery car,
one look at the elbow situation
told me everything
I had to know.
The king was running scared.
Mom was so upset
by Dad's behavior,
she couldn't refold the map.
Pete was drying
his tongue out in protest.
And as for me,
I was busy rhyming
the word "cinnamon"
with "Where you been?"
Ever since my best friend
Ellen and I
decided to stay best friends,
I wondered if I'd ever find
a girl who'd send my heart
spinning like a broken compass.
Now I knew.
We got him, baby.
We got him good.
Did you see the look
on Mr. Perfect's face
when we peeled out of there?
He was smiling, Don.
He was smiling to hide his fear.
I'm the one who's afraid.
Scared? Come on, honey.
You're riding with the king.
Hey, everybody.
Let's sing a song, huh?
? John Jacob
Jingle Heimer Schmidt... ?
? His name is my name, too ?
? Whenever we go out, we can
hear the people shout... ?
I have to go to the bathroom.
We can't stop, son.
We got to keep going.
Pretend you're a dam
holding back millions
of gallons of water.
You're mighty,
like the Hoover Dam.
Don, the boy has to go!
He's a Wrigley, Joyce.
Wrigley's know how
to hold their water.
Well, I'm only half Wrigley
and I have to go, too.
Oh.
Come on, guys!
Make it happen!
LITTLE PETE:
Why does Mom
always take so long?
Well, you know how
your mother is.
She always has to find
the perfect spot.
How does she know
when she finds it?
She knows.
Maybe your mother
needs a little reminder
that we're in
kind of a rush here.
( report, high-pitched whine )
It's about time!
( radio stations
fading in and out )
As Dad tried
to make up for lost time,
I sat in the back
trying to make sense
of the great mysteries
of the open road.
Why is it that you always see
one lonely boot
on the shoulder of the road?
And those green signs.
What are they
trying to tell us?
And finally,
the biggest mystery of all.
Why is it that when
you miss someone so much
that your heart
is ready to disintegrate,
that you always hear
the saddest song
ever on the radio?
I wondered,
was she out there somewhere
listening to the same song?
And if she was,
was she thinking of... me?
? I can try to hide,
but why waste... ?
( radio static )
DISPATCHER:
Calling all cars.
We've got a serious
10-9er here, over.
A 10-9er?
Don, let's pull over.
Maybe we can help.
We're not stopping.
The situation is critical.
Garage door is going haywire.
Be on the lookout
for some wacko
with a remote control.
I'm ashamed of you.
Honey, I'm doing this
for the family.
If that other dad
makes better time than us...
You really think that nice man
at the rest stop
is trying to beat you
to the dam?
Oh, please!
I'll tell you one thing.
If that man heard there were
people who needed his help,
I'll bet he'd pull over.
Is that so?
Well, maybe you'd like
to ride with him then!
The way you're acting?
Is there anyone else
in this car
who'd like to ride
the rest of the way
with Mr. Perfect
and his perfect family?
Well, go ahead,
be my guest!
He's right behind us!
( family singing "Row, Row,
Row your Boat" as a round )
? Life is but a dream. ?
We've sung that before.
Now in French.
( singing "Row, Row,
Row your Boat" in French )
Wait a minute.
I'm going 55.
He must be doing at least 70.
What?
Yeah, Mr. Perfect
is breaking the law.
Oh, he's so perfect.
Oh, he's so
absolutely wonderful.
What do you think
of Mr. Perfect now?!
I never said
he was perfect!
And you-- what do you
have to say for yourself?
Life is but a dream.
Oh, is that so?
Well, if you
want a dream,
you dream in the
back-- the way back.
That's where
traitors go
on my watch,
and you can
stay back there
until you figure out what
it means to be a member
of this family!
BIG PETE:
? Merrily, merrily, merrily... ?
You know, you could learn
something from your brother.
How you doing, son?
Let's dust him, Dad!
Come on, crank it!
Sorry, son.
I drive clean.
I always have.
We'll beat that family
to the dam,
but we'll do it the Wrigley way.
Apparently, the Wrigley way
meant leaving the highway
and getting hopelessly lost
after losing one tire
and four hubcaps.
While some
of the king's subjects
foraged for food,
others began to rebel
against his rule.
We've got to ask
for directions.
No! We're not lost.
Help! We're lost!
Somebody give us directions,
please!
Get ahold of yourself, Joyce.
Come on, baby, hang tough.
Remember, no pain, no gain.
( thud )
Raccoon.
How's my little warrior
doing back there?
I got to go
to the bathroom.
Dad should have known
that his dreams of empire
were no match
for Pete's bladder.
It looked like dad's reign
as king was finally over.
So, this is how it ends.
( low-pitched steady drone )
That sound...
It's so beautiful. It's...
It's like a song.
( buzzing and crackling )
Of course! It's, it's...
it's the song of the dam.
Hey, we're in dam country.
We did it.
Come on, Pete! Come on!
We're almost there!
Come on! Get in!
( buzzing and crackling )
( tires squealing )
Nothing could stop him now.
With his mighty elbow
cutting through the breeze,
the king
was back on the throne--
back where he belonged.
You know, there's many
pretenders out there,
but there's only one...
Lord have mercy.
What does he want from us?
I don't think this is about
making good time anymore.
After 566 and 4/10ths miles
of blood and guts driving,
the king of the road
competition had come down
to one final event--
roof stack packing.
Oh, that's the way
you want to play it, partner?
With just one mile to go,
the dad who got to the dam
with the biggest
roof rack stack
would be the one and only king.
Pete! Hand me
the cooler.
I'm going up!
Honey, take the wheel!
Take him down, Don!
Take him down hard!
Lunch!
( laughing )
The lead swung back and forth
as each dad risked it all
in a life-or-death struggle
for roof stack superiority.
Dad gave it his best shot,
but even with the help
of our friend Captain Zornan,
it wasn't enough.
The perfect dad was just too...
perfect.
( gong sounds )
Oh, will you look at that?
Guys like that, they always win.
You tried, Don.
Don't worry, you're
still a king to me.
Oh, thanks, babe.
At least we tried.
At least
we were legends
for a while, right, son?
That's when it happened.
I looked in Dad's eyes
and saw a man
who had given all he had
not just for himself,
but for all of us.
And suddenly, I knew exactly
what it meant to be a family.
I'd probably never
see her again, but I knew
I'd never forget her face,
especially
after what I did next.
( no audio ):
Sorry.
What are you doing?
We're Wrigleys, Dad.
We got to do this
the Wrigley way.
We had nothing left
but the clothes on our back.
But I had an idea.
We're not perfect, Dad.
We're just... us.
We're mutants!
Well, you're right.
We're Wrigleys. Yeah!
It wasn't the most
perfect stack in the world,
but piled high
with all our clothes,
it was just enough to win.
When we exchanged
license plates,
the perfect dad
wouldn't even look at our dad.
It might have been
because he was ashamed,
or it might have been
because Dad was buck naked.
As for the rest of the family?
We all felt like
kings of the road.
Our elbows said it all.
to really learn
what it means to be a family.
That's it.
If we were just Eskimos,
we could all
just go out and harpoon
a whale together.
Hold it right there.
But since we're Wrigleys,
we have to do it
the hard way
and take a family trip.
It's a tribal ritual
that means a lot to our dad.
All right, bring it on.
Most of the time
he was just an ordinary dad
with ordinary-dad powers...
( grunting )
But for two weeks every summer,
during our annual trip
to the Hoover Dam,
he was something special.
Perfect.
He was the king,
the king of the road.
He had earned his crown
over the years
by being the best on the road
in the three major
dad-driving categories:
And three, the true measure
of dad greatness:
He had asked for plates
that spelled out
his title a little better,
but "King O Frod" was
the best our state could do.
It wasn't perfect,
but Dad didn't care.
When you're the king, you've got
other things to worry about,
like gas mileage
and hydroplaning
and most importantly...
I know a shortcut.
...defending your crown.
Subtitle Rip: uNCeNSoReD
? Hey, smilin' strange ?
? You're lookin'
happily deranged ?
? Can you settle to shoot me ?
? Or have you picked
your target yet? ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Don't you talk back ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Don't you talk back ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Don't you talk back ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy, hey. ?
( harmonica playing )
( harmonica music continues )
( music stops )
( harmonica music resumes )
Once the king
hits the open road,
there are always two signs
( music stops )
that tell me
we're really on our way.
First, the local radio station
begins to fade.
( radio fades in and out )
Our mom, who picks up
the radio signals
from the metal plate
in her head,
tries her best
to keep the station
but pretty soon, it's just gone.
Then we pass outside
the superhero
jurisdiction of Artie,
the strongest man in the world.
God speed, my Vikings!
Hey-hey.
That's when I know
there's no turning back.
For the next 23
and a half hours,
it's just me and the family.
( inhaling sharply )
( grunts, hissing )
New record.
Huh. Look at that guy.
What a joke.
Hey, nice stack, buddy!
You men behave yourself.
Hey, look--
he can't even look at me.
He's too ashamed.
That's right, buddy.
Avert your eyes
in the presence of the king.
I hope he's not going
to Hoover Dam.
It just wouldn't be right.
Hoover Dam is too good
for a family like that.
I forgot to mention
that the king practically
worships the Hoover Dam.
I think he identifies with dams
because they represent
man's ability to tame nature.
That's what he thought
being a dad was all about.
Just as a dam turns an
untamed river into electricity,
Dad wanted to turn us
into something useful, too.
Synchronize rear flaps.
Rear flaps
synchronized.
He had a long way to go.
I always hoped that if we got
the angle just right,
the car would lift off,
and I could fly it away
to someplace fun.
Hey, how many times
have I told you guys, huh?
Hands in the car!
Hey, you been futzing with
the electric system again, huh?
( windows whirring )
One car game the king
didn't seem to mind
was something called
Road Kill Auto Bingo.
( thudding )
Direct hit!
Uh, a gopher.
No, uh, a snake.
Mom thought the game was sick,
but Dad always said
that sacrificing their life
on the open road
was the highest honor
a lower life-form
could ever receive.
To the king,
sacrifice was everything.
Hey, did you guys know
that 21 men died
making the Hoover Dam?
You mean their guts
are in the dam?
Son...
their souls are
in that dam.
( "Taps" playing )
They died so that
we could enjoy
the benefits
of electricity
that runs cleaner
and stronger
than regular
electricity.
Well, it even
sounds better.
Did you ever
heard the sound
of dam electricity?
I-I-It's like a song.
Speaking of songs...
I think there's one
in here about a dam.
DAD:
Yeah?
Uh-oh.
By the looks of things, I knew
I only had seconds to escape.
I figured if I tucked and
rolled when I hit the ground,
I might only break
both of my legs.
? Well, the Hoover Dam was... ?
Crud.
The king was feeling
totally invincible.
I could tell by his elbow.
? The Hoover Dam
was a mighty big dam... ?
Scientists have proven
that the amount of elbow
a dad has out the window
is directly proportionate
to how full of himself he is.
? The mighty Hoover Dam. ?
( laughing )
Did I ever
tell you guys
you're the best
family I know?
You are!
I mean, I'm making
great time.
I'm traveling with
a great family.
Hey, hey, what
do you say we do
something special,
you know, make
a pit stop?
Bug juice on the house,
and we'll even break
out the paper plates.
Yay!
Yay!
Why not?
I mean, I'm way
ahead of schedule.
How can it hurt, huh?
? Well, the Hoover Dam
is a mighty big dam... ?
As we were about to find out,
it was going to hurt,
and it was going to hurt bad.
You know, uh,
I wouldn't be
surprised if, uh,
some of these
dads out here have,
uh, heard of me.
Hey, aren't you that, uh,
king of the road guy?
( chuckles ):
You laugh,
but you know, these
highwaymen, they know.
Word gets out.
There's many
pretenders
out there,
but there's only
one... king.
It was just a station wagon,
but Dad stared at it like it
was his car's evil twin.
( car doors shut )
I thought Dad had lost it,
until I lost it, too.
Hi.
Dad knew there was something
suspicious going on,
but he couldn't quite put
his finger on it.
( air hissing )
Perfect.
Perfect.
Hi.
Hello.
Do you need a Wet-Nap?
We've got extra.
Thanks.
They're premoistened.
That's great.
Meanwhile, Dad found the words
he hoped he'd never see:
"King of Road."
I can handle
the boredom.
It's the loneliness
of the open road
that gets to me.
Well, for me, the
rhythm of the road--
it's like a
song of desire.
Exactly.
Let's go, let's go!
Come on, we're
wasting time.
We got to get
back on schedule.
Come on!
What are you doing?
We've got to clean up!
There's no time for that!
Let's get moving!
Let's get in the car!
Let's go, let's
go, let's go!
Come on!
I didn't eat yet!
Come on, come
on, come on, come
on, come on!
( groans )
Come on, come on,
grab everything!
Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go!
Making good time
on your excursion?
Yeah, sure. You bet.
Glad to hear it, partner.
Come on, come on!
Come on, come on!
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, get in the car!
Come on, come on!
Come on, honey!
That's it,
that's it!
Here we go, yeah!
All right.
LITTLE PETE:
Hey!
No, no!
Hey, come on!
This is a car,
not a toy!
Come on! What?
Oh, geez, give
me a break!
( horn honking )
Oh, I-I probably
ought to go.
Yeah, your dad seems
to be in a hurry.
Yeah, we've got a
date with destiny;
the Hoover Dam.
Well, that's where
we're going.
( horn honking )
I love dams.
Oh, really?
So do I.
Dams are so powerful,
the way they...
( horn honking )
tame nature.
Well, you know...
not all nature
can be tamed.
( horn honking )
M-Maybe I-I'll
see you there,
b-by the turbines.
Drive safely.
Bye.
( horn honks continuously )
Hey, Dad, you'll never guess
where that family's going.
The Hoover Dam.
( tires screeching )
With that little
vacation update,
Dad knew that his title
was on the line.
The king was going
to have to fight...
to defend his crown.
As Dad tried to put more
and more distance
between our car
and the mystery car,
one look at the elbow situation
told me everything
I had to know.
The king was running scared.
Mom was so upset
by Dad's behavior,
she couldn't refold the map.
Pete was drying
his tongue out in protest.
And as for me,
I was busy rhyming
the word "cinnamon"
with "Where you been?"
Ever since my best friend
Ellen and I
decided to stay best friends,
I wondered if I'd ever find
a girl who'd send my heart
spinning like a broken compass.
Now I knew.
We got him, baby.
We got him good.
Did you see the look
on Mr. Perfect's face
when we peeled out of there?
He was smiling, Don.
He was smiling to hide his fear.
I'm the one who's afraid.
Scared? Come on, honey.
You're riding with the king.
Hey, everybody.
Let's sing a song, huh?
? John Jacob
Jingle Heimer Schmidt... ?
? His name is my name, too ?
? Whenever we go out, we can
hear the people shout... ?
I have to go to the bathroom.
We can't stop, son.
We got to keep going.
Pretend you're a dam
holding back millions
of gallons of water.
You're mighty,
like the Hoover Dam.
Don, the boy has to go!
He's a Wrigley, Joyce.
Wrigley's know how
to hold their water.
Well, I'm only half Wrigley
and I have to go, too.
Oh.
Come on, guys!
Make it happen!
LITTLE PETE:
Why does Mom
always take so long?
Well, you know how
your mother is.
She always has to find
the perfect spot.
How does she know
when she finds it?
She knows.
Maybe your mother
needs a little reminder
that we're in
kind of a rush here.
( report, high-pitched whine )
It's about time!
( radio stations
fading in and out )
As Dad tried
to make up for lost time,
I sat in the back
trying to make sense
of the great mysteries
of the open road.
Why is it that you always see
one lonely boot
on the shoulder of the road?
And those green signs.
What are they
trying to tell us?
And finally,
the biggest mystery of all.
Why is it that when
you miss someone so much
that your heart
is ready to disintegrate,
that you always hear
the saddest song
ever on the radio?
I wondered,
was she out there somewhere
listening to the same song?
And if she was,
was she thinking of... me?
? I can try to hide,
but why waste... ?
( radio static )
DISPATCHER:
Calling all cars.
We've got a serious
10-9er here, over.
A 10-9er?
Don, let's pull over.
Maybe we can help.
We're not stopping.
The situation is critical.
Garage door is going haywire.
Be on the lookout
for some wacko
with a remote control.
I'm ashamed of you.
Honey, I'm doing this
for the family.
If that other dad
makes better time than us...
You really think that nice man
at the rest stop
is trying to beat you
to the dam?
Oh, please!
I'll tell you one thing.
If that man heard there were
people who needed his help,
I'll bet he'd pull over.
Is that so?
Well, maybe you'd like
to ride with him then!
The way you're acting?
Is there anyone else
in this car
who'd like to ride
the rest of the way
with Mr. Perfect
and his perfect family?
Well, go ahead,
be my guest!
He's right behind us!
( family singing "Row, Row,
Row your Boat" as a round )
? Life is but a dream. ?
We've sung that before.
Now in French.
( singing "Row, Row,
Row your Boat" in French )
Wait a minute.
I'm going 55.
He must be doing at least 70.
What?
Yeah, Mr. Perfect
is breaking the law.
Oh, he's so perfect.
Oh, he's so
absolutely wonderful.
What do you think
of Mr. Perfect now?!
I never said
he was perfect!
And you-- what do you
have to say for yourself?
Life is but a dream.
Oh, is that so?
Well, if you
want a dream,
you dream in the
back-- the way back.
That's where
traitors go
on my watch,
and you can
stay back there
until you figure out what
it means to be a member
of this family!
BIG PETE:
? Merrily, merrily, merrily... ?
You know, you could learn
something from your brother.
How you doing, son?
Let's dust him, Dad!
Come on, crank it!
Sorry, son.
I drive clean.
I always have.
We'll beat that family
to the dam,
but we'll do it the Wrigley way.
Apparently, the Wrigley way
meant leaving the highway
and getting hopelessly lost
after losing one tire
and four hubcaps.
While some
of the king's subjects
foraged for food,
others began to rebel
against his rule.
We've got to ask
for directions.
No! We're not lost.
Help! We're lost!
Somebody give us directions,
please!
Get ahold of yourself, Joyce.
Come on, baby, hang tough.
Remember, no pain, no gain.
( thud )
Raccoon.
How's my little warrior
doing back there?
I got to go
to the bathroom.
Dad should have known
that his dreams of empire
were no match
for Pete's bladder.
It looked like dad's reign
as king was finally over.
So, this is how it ends.
( low-pitched steady drone )
That sound...
It's so beautiful. It's...
It's like a song.
( buzzing and crackling )
Of course! It's, it's...
it's the song of the dam.
Hey, we're in dam country.
We did it.
Come on, Pete! Come on!
We're almost there!
Come on! Get in!
( buzzing and crackling )
( tires squealing )
Nothing could stop him now.
With his mighty elbow
cutting through the breeze,
the king
was back on the throne--
back where he belonged.
You know, there's many
pretenders out there,
but there's only one...
Lord have mercy.
What does he want from us?
I don't think this is about
making good time anymore.
After 566 and 4/10ths miles
of blood and guts driving,
the king of the road
competition had come down
to one final event--
roof stack packing.
Oh, that's the way
you want to play it, partner?
With just one mile to go,
the dad who got to the dam
with the biggest
roof rack stack
would be the one and only king.
Pete! Hand me
the cooler.
I'm going up!
Honey, take the wheel!
Take him down, Don!
Take him down hard!
Lunch!
( laughing )
The lead swung back and forth
as each dad risked it all
in a life-or-death struggle
for roof stack superiority.
Dad gave it his best shot,
but even with the help
of our friend Captain Zornan,
it wasn't enough.
The perfect dad was just too...
perfect.
( gong sounds )
Oh, will you look at that?
Guys like that, they always win.
You tried, Don.
Don't worry, you're
still a king to me.
Oh, thanks, babe.
At least we tried.
At least
we were legends
for a while, right, son?
That's when it happened.
I looked in Dad's eyes
and saw a man
who had given all he had
not just for himself,
but for all of us.
And suddenly, I knew exactly
what it meant to be a family.
I'd probably never
see her again, but I knew
I'd never forget her face,
especially
after what I did next.
( no audio ):
Sorry.
What are you doing?
We're Wrigleys, Dad.
We got to do this
the Wrigley way.
We had nothing left
but the clothes on our back.
But I had an idea.
We're not perfect, Dad.
We're just... us.
We're mutants!
Well, you're right.
We're Wrigleys. Yeah!
It wasn't the most
perfect stack in the world,
but piled high
with all our clothes,
it was just enough to win.
When we exchanged
license plates,
the perfect dad
wouldn't even look at our dad.
It might have been
because he was ashamed,
or it might have been
because Dad was buck naked.
As for the rest of the family?
We all felt like
kings of the road.
Our elbows said it all.