The Addams Family (1964–1966): Season 2, Episode 9 - Morticia, the Sculptress - full transcript
When Morticia declares she's bored and needs an outlet for her creativity, Gomez suggests several possibilities, including sculpting. This strikes a chord in her and immediately she throws herself into it. The house is soon filled with huge boulders Gomez is purchasing from a quarry. In one scene, he and Fester struggle to move one up the front steps, but Lurch deftly picks it up as if it weighed only a few ounces. Morticia is shown furiously banging away with a hammer and chisel in a montage, finally declaring, supposedly after months of work, that it's finished. Unfortunately, it pretty much still looks like a big shapeless rock. Gomez has an art dealer appraise the masterpiece, but the man thinks it's so bad he actually hits it with his cane before storming out. Gomez realizes he's right, but he'd do anything to keep Morticia happy, so he devises a plan to pay another, more unscrupulous dealer, "The World's Crummiest", one Sam Piccasso (Vito Scotti) to pretend to like it and purchase it, all with Gomez's money. This goes off without a problem until Morticia decides to keep the money instead of put it in the Addams family bank account as Gomez thought she would. Instead, she keeps the money ($50,000) for an art school she intends to establish. She also starts work on more statues, which she also sells to Mr. Piccasso, each time for more and more (of Gomez's) money. Eventually, Piccasso's a wealthy, top-hatted success, while Gomez is running out of money so fast he has to consider liquidating some of his vast world-wide business investments, including the blue-chip top stock of the era, AT&T, to keep up. In desperation, he begs her to give up the sculpting, for which she has neglected Gomez, the house, even sleep itself to pursue, to no avail. But when Wednesday and Pugsley come down from their bedrooms for a midnight snack, things change. Instead of dining on some cold yak meat left in the refrigerator, they make a pan of chocolate fudge. Morticia is horrified that such depravity has occurred because of her lack of supervision, and decides to hang up her chisel for good.
(FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky
♪ Mysterious and spooky
♪ They're altogether ooky
♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum
♪ When people come to see 'em
♪ They really are a scream
♪ The Addams family
MAN: Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
♪ So get a witch's shawl on
♪ A broomstick you can crawl on
♪ We're gonna pay a call on
♪ The Addams family ♪
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
We're off!
(SIGHING)
Morticia, why are
you sitting there?
I'm all dressed.
Lurch is waiting outside
in the car. We're all set.
We are? But this is the night
we look forward to all year.
The night the bats
come back to Capistrano.
Give them my regards.
Dear, this is our
great fun night.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Listen.
Fun, fun, fun.
There's more to
life than just fun.
There is?
A person must contribute
something to the world.
I contribute plenty. Have
you seen my tax bills?
Darling, you don't understand.
I want to do something creative.
My dear, you are creative.
You are a creative
mother, a creative cook.
And above all, a creative lover.
Pish-tosh. What
does that all add up to?
I'll tell you what it all adds up
to. It adds up to la dolce vita.
Not bad, eh?
Gomez, listen to me, a life
must have some fulfillment.
I want to do something artistic,
that the world will remember.
Life is not all lovely thorns
and singing vultures, you know.
You could develop a new strain
of henbane, like Luther Burbank.
Take some grapes and
cross them with poison oak.
No, darling, I'm tired
of breeding plants.
Look, I crossed daffodils
with roses, and what did I get?
More petals.
Dress designer.
No one knows more about
fashion than you, my dear.
Oh, sweet Gomez. But am I not
more than merely a seamstress?
Yes, yes, it should
be something big,
like Madame
Curie, Louis Pasteur,
Bluebeard, Michelangelo.
Michelangelo, that's it.
He was a painter,
and then a sculptor.
I am a painter, and
now... That's right!
All you need is a
hammer and chisel.
And a rock.
Oh, I can hardly
wait to get started.
Neither can I.
Ready?
(GRUNTING)
Lurch?
(GROANS)
Right this way, Lurch. Good man.
Good... Careful on the steps.
That's it. Right over here, now.
Don't drop it or Mrs. Addams will
have her studio in the basement.
There we are.
Thank you, Lurch.
(COUGHS)
(GROANS)
Fester, have you got
the hammer and chisel?
Here they are,
but it's only a loan.
I need them for my
correspondence course.
Correspondence course? In what?
Brain surgery.
Where is the discus?
(TAPPING)
Ah, thank you, Thing.
Ready, querida.
Oh, it's gorgeous.
Rock, rock, beautiful rock.
I got it for you myself,
knowing that only you
could do justice to it.
I think I'll do an abstract.
Well, then we'll get Cousin
Vague to pose for you.
He's about as
abstract as you can get.
Oh, no, darling.
For an abstract,
I'm going to do it right
out of my own little head.
Now, sponge.
Sponge.
Hammer. Hammer.
Chisel. Chisel.
(EXCLAIMS)
Already, I feel like
a different woman.
Querida.
By george, Morticia,
what wonders you've
accomplished in a short three months.
It does have a
certain je ne sais quoi.
Tish, that's French. You
know it drives me wild.
Darling, you almost made
me ruin my masterpiece.
Oh, sorry.
Now, then.
I'm right in the
middle of that left eye.
Perfect!
No, that was the whole eye.
Luckily, he has three.
Come and get it. Lunch break.
When are you gonna start?
Start?
Uncle Fester, I'm
almost finished.
Fester, don't be a clod.
Don't you know
art when you see it?
I know a rock when I see it.
Oh, it was ever thus.
Beauty is in the
eye of the beholder.
Perhaps you're
standing too close.
Yes, why don't
you back up a bit.
How's it now?
Well? Well...
Hey, from here it looks great.
Well, darling,
what do you think?
Leonardo da Vinci never
did anything like that.
Oh, I wonder what
Mr. Bosley Swain will say.
Being the city's leading art
critic, what else can he say, but...
(GRUNTING)
Just a moment, Bosley.
If you have any
suggestions, speak up.
Well, as a matter of fact,
I, I do have a suggestion.
Bore a hole in it, put in
a few sticks of dynamite
and blow it sky-high.
Is that your final word?
No, I have one more.
Goodbye.
(GROANING)
Darling, what did Mr. Swain say?
He was too overcome
with emotion to discuss it,
but he did show
a lot of feeling.
That's a most
wonderful compliment.
My, you are a nervous one today.
Why don't you just tell
Morticia she's a flop?
And break her
fragile little heart?
What do you take me for, Fester?
A Rasputin?
We must convince her
somehow that statue's a success.
Somebody must be
interested enough to buy it.
All right, I'll buy it.
No, I haven't got a dime.
Why don't you buy it?
For a stupid suggestion, Fester,
that's positively brilliant.
I'll hire some broken-down
art-dealer to buy it.
I'll put up the money,
Morticia will be delighted,
the money goes back in the
bank, and everybody's happy.
For a brilliant idea,
that's pretty stupid.
Where're you gonna
find an art dealer
that's crummy enough
to do a thing like that?
Simple, I'll hire Sam Picasso,
the crummiest art
dealer in America.
Shapeless mess?
Look deeper, that's an abstract.
That...
I have seen better abstract
made by a chain gang.
I'm not asking you to
criticize it, Picasso, just buy it.
Not even with your money.
Don't you understand?
I will not sell my soul.
There'll be a $200 fee.
At those prices...
I like a man with integrity.
I wish I knew one.
Now, there's your $200.
Plus $50,000 to buy the statue.
You keep all of your
money in the drawer?
Just petty cash.
Big stuff's upstairs
in the mattress.
Ah, Mr. Picasso, my husband's
been telling me about you.
That's a lie. I run
an honest gallery.
My dear, Mr. Picasso
was just telling me
how much he likes your statue.
Oh?
Ah, yes, "A thing of
beauty is a joy forever."
That's Keats.
Now tell me, how much
do you like my statue?
Picasso, start with a
reasonable offer, or the deal's off.
That's an idea.
Come back here and
face this like a man.
My dear, Mr. Picasso has
just had a change of heart.
He remembers
he has a rich buyer.
Undoubtedly a man
of exquisite taste.
All right, let's get it settled.
All right, uh, $50,000?
That's a nice round figure.
It's a steal.
Petty larceny.
Your money, senora.
Thank you.
Please excuse me.
Adios.
What's going on in here?
Morticia just sold her statue.
Well, how about that?
Yes, and now I'll
have to name it.
Let's see...
I think I'll call it
Miracle of the Ages.
Like from the Stone Ages.
Well, I'll take the
$50,000, my dear.
That mattress could
use a little stuffing.
Oh, no, darling, I earned this
money with my own hands.
And I'm going to use it to
help aspiring artists like myself.
Morticia, that's ridiculous!
I mean, uh, you're not
gonna give them $50,000?
Why, of course not.
This is just the
first installment.
From now on, every penny I make
goes to help
starving art students.
Darling.
What are you gonna
do now, moneybags?
What any level-headed
man would do.
Shoot myself.
Clatsworthy, you're
my business manager.
Of course you can speak freely.
Well, not that freely.
So my bank account's
overdrawn. Who cares?
It makes my wife happy.
It makes the bank unhappy?
I'll just have to raise
some more cash.
But I'll tell you one thing,
Clatsworthy. I'm changing banks.
I don't like dealing
with spoilsports.
I'll say one thing
about Morticia,
she's got drive and
she's quite a chiseler.
Enough to drive
me to bankruptcy.
I'm being forced to dispose of
some of my most valuable assets.
My game preserve in Nairobi.
Bamboo plantation in Bali.
What hurts most of all,
a savings and loan in Siberia.
You'd better call
Blooker the broker
and have him dispose
of my Consolidated Fuzz.
You know, if you were smart,
you'd hold on to your
Consolidated Fuzz
and sell your AT&T.
It's not just the prices
she's getting from Picasso,
it's the cost of all that rock.
What's that thing she's
making in there now?
(METALLIC CLANKING)
Can't you tell? It's
the head of a dinosaur.
Or is it the foot?
How many has she sold?
I've lost count.
(WHISTLES)
(FOGHORN SOUNDING)
You broke it.
(STUTTERING)
Mr. Picasso?
Well, of course.
You were expecting some bum?
Follow me.
And if you will behave yourself,
I might give you a very big tip.
(GROANING)
Ah, Mr. Picasso.
You're just in time to
view my latest work.
Senora, I can hardly wait.
I call it Motherhood.
Why not?
When this will be displayed,
all the mothers in the
world will be after you...
A-A-After it.
Oh, then you think
it's worth something?
$30,000 if it's worth a nickel.
I just won't sell it for
more than $2,000.
I have finished several others.
(STUTTERING)
Then for this one I
will give you $40,000.
Not a penny more than $3,000.
I call this My Afternoon
of an Evening.
I couldn't bear to part
with it for less than $45,000.
It's a bargain.
Those starving artists must
be eating better than I am.
And this is my
master masterpiece.
I call it World War II.
$80,000?
$75,000.
How about that?
You saved $5,000.
Phew!
Throw them in the
truck with the others.
Where are you taking them?
The Tip Top Quarry.
You know they pay me $30 a ton.
Those scoundrels!
I buy my rocks at Tip Top
and they charge me $100 a ton.
But I return the rocks damaged.
Speaking of money, Senor Gomez,
you know, I will be needing some,
if you want me to buy
more of the masterpieces.
Can't you bargain a little?
You want me to insult an artist?
That's no artist,
that's my wife.
It's only money.
Adios.
Well, Gomez, so far
you're batting zero.
Never mind my batting average,
it's my bank balance
that's falling so fast.
It's time I put
an end to all this.
You're gonna tell
Morticia the truth?
Exactly.
But first I'm gonna
tell her a few more lies.
Do hurry, Lurch. I
must get back to work.
Yes, Mrs. Addams.
You're a very
good grinder, Lurch,
almost as good as Mama.
(GROANING)
Dear Mama. Her
great-great-great-grandmother
sharpened guillotines.
Dear old
Great-Great-Grandmother Slice.
The belle of the
French Revolution.
Cara mia.
Oh, Gomez, you're just in time.
May I, dear? Anything.
(TINKLING)
Well, back to work.
Morticia, wait.
Wait? When art is calling?
Well, you can't keep
up this mad pace.
Look at yourself in the mirror.
Pale, wan, sunken-cheeked.
Yes, sculpting
does agree with me.
Querida, believe me, you're
working yourself to death.
Ah, well, then, my
prices will go up.
Look at it another way.
You're flooding the market.
Darling, Mr. Picasso
doesn't seem to think so.
He keeps paying bigger
and bigger prices everyday.
Even he's going to run out
of money sooner or later,
and a lot sooner than later.
You worry too much, bubele.
But the way
things are going, I...
Gomez, I called you bubele.
Oh, yes. Still drives me wild.
Darling, chisel
now. Bubele later.
Lurch, have you
ever been on relief?
(LURCH GROANING)
Ruined?
No, not if we make
you a one-armed thinker.
Just... Just sort of
put it behind your back.
Yes, that's much better.
Oh, dear.
Um...
May I?
(GROANING)
Yes, that's much better.
Now, I just have to remove that
piece of thumb from your chin.
I think I got a bit too much.
May I?
It just keeps improving.
Now, hold still while I
give it the final touch.
Lurch, I think I've
really hit on something.
Good night, Mrs. Addams.
Oh.
Well, good night, Lurch.
We'll work on it
again in the morning.
Morticia, it's 3:00
in the morning.
Wonderful.
I still have four
hours of nightlight left.
But aren't you coming to bed?
Oh, darling, how can I sleep
knowing that somewhere
there's a stone uncut.
How about a husband uncuddled?
Noble Gomez.
It's not like you
to think of yourself
when I'm in the
throes of creation.
But the whole house has changed!
We never dance anymore, or...
Well, dance, darling.
Go right ahead,
dance to your heart's content.
Alone? Querida... Why
don't you call Mama?
She's always ready for an
old-fashioned cha-cha-cha.
With all these rocks around,
there's not even room for a cha.
Darling, you're right.
I have been selfish.
You mean you're
gonna give up sculpting?
Oh, nonsense.
Since I'm crowding you here,
I'm going to find
myself a lovely garret.
A garret?
Of course. You can
visit me on weekends.
Pugsley! Wednesday!
Darling, your children
are here to see you.
Hello, children.
Poor little things.
You haven't seen your
mother in days, have you?
Sure we've seen her.
She's been right there
chopping on those rocks.
How true.
You little youngsters,
feeling lonely and neglected,
you've come to plead with
your mother to come back to you.
No, we were just on
our way to the kitchen.
Do you hear that? Not only lonely
and neglected, but starving, too.
Starving? Nonsense, darling,
there's plenty of cold
yak in the refrigerator.
Querida, it's 3:00
in the morning.
Oh, yes, cold yak might
upset their stomachs.
Heat it up, dear.
Children, tell your
mother what it's been like,
the last few days without her.
We've been having a ball.
We've been staying up all night.
Oh?
Well, just make sure you
sleep late in the morning.
Darling, they can't sleep late in the
morning, they have to go to school.
We haven't been
to school in days.
Do you hear that? They
haven't been to school in days.
But, Father, it's vacation.
Come on, Pugsley, let's go in
the kitchen and finish the fudge.
Little darlings.
Fudge?
Gadzooks! Is she going
to sculpt in the kitchen, too?
Wednesday, Pugsley,
what are you doing?
Will you look at what's
cooking in that pot?
Chocolate-marshmallow fudge!
Where did you
pick up that habit?
Children, what do you
have to say for yourselves?
We're sorry.
Have you ever tried fudge?
Don't be insolent.
Off to bed, this minute.
Go on, scoot,
scoot, scoot. Go on.
Oh, Gomez, fudge.
I have been
neglecting the children.
From now on, I'm
turning in my chisel.
No! No, don't try
to talk me out of it.
My mind's made up.
I'm going back to the most
important role a woman can have.
Lover. Mother.
Oh, that. And lover.
(GONG RESOUNDING)
You rang?
Lurch, clear those rocks
out of the living room.
We're going to dance till dawn!
Ole!
Ole.
(PLAYING ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC)
Do I hear music?
Yes.
You know when I told you to
call Blooker the broker and sell?
I thought you said buy.
Did I get you in a jam?
You certainly did, tax-wise.
That stock went up 50 points.
I made $600,000.
Wonderful.
Now I can buy back
all my lovely statues.
♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky
♪ Mysterious and spooky
♪ They're altogether ooky
♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum
♪ When people come to see 'em
♪ They really are a scream
♪ The Addams family
MAN: Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
♪ So get a witch's shawl on
♪ A broomstick you can crawl on
♪ We're gonna pay a call on
♪ The Addams family ♪
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
We're off!
(SIGHING)
Morticia, why are
you sitting there?
I'm all dressed.
Lurch is waiting outside
in the car. We're all set.
We are? But this is the night
we look forward to all year.
The night the bats
come back to Capistrano.
Give them my regards.
Dear, this is our
great fun night.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Listen.
Fun, fun, fun.
There's more to
life than just fun.
There is?
A person must contribute
something to the world.
I contribute plenty. Have
you seen my tax bills?
Darling, you don't understand.
I want to do something creative.
My dear, you are creative.
You are a creative
mother, a creative cook.
And above all, a creative lover.
Pish-tosh. What
does that all add up to?
I'll tell you what it all adds up
to. It adds up to la dolce vita.
Not bad, eh?
Gomez, listen to me, a life
must have some fulfillment.
I want to do something artistic,
that the world will remember.
Life is not all lovely thorns
and singing vultures, you know.
You could develop a new strain
of henbane, like Luther Burbank.
Take some grapes and
cross them with poison oak.
No, darling, I'm tired
of breeding plants.
Look, I crossed daffodils
with roses, and what did I get?
More petals.
Dress designer.
No one knows more about
fashion than you, my dear.
Oh, sweet Gomez. But am I not
more than merely a seamstress?
Yes, yes, it should
be something big,
like Madame
Curie, Louis Pasteur,
Bluebeard, Michelangelo.
Michelangelo, that's it.
He was a painter,
and then a sculptor.
I am a painter, and
now... That's right!
All you need is a
hammer and chisel.
And a rock.
Oh, I can hardly
wait to get started.
Neither can I.
Ready?
(GRUNTING)
Lurch?
(GROANS)
Right this way, Lurch. Good man.
Good... Careful on the steps.
That's it. Right over here, now.
Don't drop it or Mrs. Addams will
have her studio in the basement.
There we are.
Thank you, Lurch.
(COUGHS)
(GROANS)
Fester, have you got
the hammer and chisel?
Here they are,
but it's only a loan.
I need them for my
correspondence course.
Correspondence course? In what?
Brain surgery.
Where is the discus?
(TAPPING)
Ah, thank you, Thing.
Ready, querida.
Oh, it's gorgeous.
Rock, rock, beautiful rock.
I got it for you myself,
knowing that only you
could do justice to it.
I think I'll do an abstract.
Well, then we'll get Cousin
Vague to pose for you.
He's about as
abstract as you can get.
Oh, no, darling.
For an abstract,
I'm going to do it right
out of my own little head.
Now, sponge.
Sponge.
Hammer. Hammer.
Chisel. Chisel.
(EXCLAIMS)
Already, I feel like
a different woman.
Querida.
By george, Morticia,
what wonders you've
accomplished in a short three months.
It does have a
certain je ne sais quoi.
Tish, that's French. You
know it drives me wild.
Darling, you almost made
me ruin my masterpiece.
Oh, sorry.
Now, then.
I'm right in the
middle of that left eye.
Perfect!
No, that was the whole eye.
Luckily, he has three.
Come and get it. Lunch break.
When are you gonna start?
Start?
Uncle Fester, I'm
almost finished.
Fester, don't be a clod.
Don't you know
art when you see it?
I know a rock when I see it.
Oh, it was ever thus.
Beauty is in the
eye of the beholder.
Perhaps you're
standing too close.
Yes, why don't
you back up a bit.
How's it now?
Well? Well...
Hey, from here it looks great.
Well, darling,
what do you think?
Leonardo da Vinci never
did anything like that.
Oh, I wonder what
Mr. Bosley Swain will say.
Being the city's leading art
critic, what else can he say, but...
(GRUNTING)
Just a moment, Bosley.
If you have any
suggestions, speak up.
Well, as a matter of fact,
I, I do have a suggestion.
Bore a hole in it, put in
a few sticks of dynamite
and blow it sky-high.
Is that your final word?
No, I have one more.
Goodbye.
(GROANING)
Darling, what did Mr. Swain say?
He was too overcome
with emotion to discuss it,
but he did show
a lot of feeling.
That's a most
wonderful compliment.
My, you are a nervous one today.
Why don't you just tell
Morticia she's a flop?
And break her
fragile little heart?
What do you take me for, Fester?
A Rasputin?
We must convince her
somehow that statue's a success.
Somebody must be
interested enough to buy it.
All right, I'll buy it.
No, I haven't got a dime.
Why don't you buy it?
For a stupid suggestion, Fester,
that's positively brilliant.
I'll hire some broken-down
art-dealer to buy it.
I'll put up the money,
Morticia will be delighted,
the money goes back in the
bank, and everybody's happy.
For a brilliant idea,
that's pretty stupid.
Where're you gonna
find an art dealer
that's crummy enough
to do a thing like that?
Simple, I'll hire Sam Picasso,
the crummiest art
dealer in America.
Shapeless mess?
Look deeper, that's an abstract.
That...
I have seen better abstract
made by a chain gang.
I'm not asking you to
criticize it, Picasso, just buy it.
Not even with your money.
Don't you understand?
I will not sell my soul.
There'll be a $200 fee.
At those prices...
I like a man with integrity.
I wish I knew one.
Now, there's your $200.
Plus $50,000 to buy the statue.
You keep all of your
money in the drawer?
Just petty cash.
Big stuff's upstairs
in the mattress.
Ah, Mr. Picasso, my husband's
been telling me about you.
That's a lie. I run
an honest gallery.
My dear, Mr. Picasso
was just telling me
how much he likes your statue.
Oh?
Ah, yes, "A thing of
beauty is a joy forever."
That's Keats.
Now tell me, how much
do you like my statue?
Picasso, start with a
reasonable offer, or the deal's off.
That's an idea.
Come back here and
face this like a man.
My dear, Mr. Picasso has
just had a change of heart.
He remembers
he has a rich buyer.
Undoubtedly a man
of exquisite taste.
All right, let's get it settled.
All right, uh, $50,000?
That's a nice round figure.
It's a steal.
Petty larceny.
Your money, senora.
Thank you.
Please excuse me.
Adios.
What's going on in here?
Morticia just sold her statue.
Well, how about that?
Yes, and now I'll
have to name it.
Let's see...
I think I'll call it
Miracle of the Ages.
Like from the Stone Ages.
Well, I'll take the
$50,000, my dear.
That mattress could
use a little stuffing.
Oh, no, darling, I earned this
money with my own hands.
And I'm going to use it to
help aspiring artists like myself.
Morticia, that's ridiculous!
I mean, uh, you're not
gonna give them $50,000?
Why, of course not.
This is just the
first installment.
From now on, every penny I make
goes to help
starving art students.
Darling.
What are you gonna
do now, moneybags?
What any level-headed
man would do.
Shoot myself.
Clatsworthy, you're
my business manager.
Of course you can speak freely.
Well, not that freely.
So my bank account's
overdrawn. Who cares?
It makes my wife happy.
It makes the bank unhappy?
I'll just have to raise
some more cash.
But I'll tell you one thing,
Clatsworthy. I'm changing banks.
I don't like dealing
with spoilsports.
I'll say one thing
about Morticia,
she's got drive and
she's quite a chiseler.
Enough to drive
me to bankruptcy.
I'm being forced to dispose of
some of my most valuable assets.
My game preserve in Nairobi.
Bamboo plantation in Bali.
What hurts most of all,
a savings and loan in Siberia.
You'd better call
Blooker the broker
and have him dispose
of my Consolidated Fuzz.
You know, if you were smart,
you'd hold on to your
Consolidated Fuzz
and sell your AT&T.
It's not just the prices
she's getting from Picasso,
it's the cost of all that rock.
What's that thing she's
making in there now?
(METALLIC CLANKING)
Can't you tell? It's
the head of a dinosaur.
Or is it the foot?
How many has she sold?
I've lost count.
(WHISTLES)
(FOGHORN SOUNDING)
You broke it.
(STUTTERING)
Mr. Picasso?
Well, of course.
You were expecting some bum?
Follow me.
And if you will behave yourself,
I might give you a very big tip.
(GROANING)
Ah, Mr. Picasso.
You're just in time to
view my latest work.
Senora, I can hardly wait.
I call it Motherhood.
Why not?
When this will be displayed,
all the mothers in the
world will be after you...
A-A-After it.
Oh, then you think
it's worth something?
$30,000 if it's worth a nickel.
I just won't sell it for
more than $2,000.
I have finished several others.
(STUTTERING)
Then for this one I
will give you $40,000.
Not a penny more than $3,000.
I call this My Afternoon
of an Evening.
I couldn't bear to part
with it for less than $45,000.
It's a bargain.
Those starving artists must
be eating better than I am.
And this is my
master masterpiece.
I call it World War II.
$80,000?
$75,000.
How about that?
You saved $5,000.
Phew!
Throw them in the
truck with the others.
Where are you taking them?
The Tip Top Quarry.
You know they pay me $30 a ton.
Those scoundrels!
I buy my rocks at Tip Top
and they charge me $100 a ton.
But I return the rocks damaged.
Speaking of money, Senor Gomez,
you know, I will be needing some,
if you want me to buy
more of the masterpieces.
Can't you bargain a little?
You want me to insult an artist?
That's no artist,
that's my wife.
It's only money.
Adios.
Well, Gomez, so far
you're batting zero.
Never mind my batting average,
it's my bank balance
that's falling so fast.
It's time I put
an end to all this.
You're gonna tell
Morticia the truth?
Exactly.
But first I'm gonna
tell her a few more lies.
Do hurry, Lurch. I
must get back to work.
Yes, Mrs. Addams.
You're a very
good grinder, Lurch,
almost as good as Mama.
(GROANING)
Dear Mama. Her
great-great-great-grandmother
sharpened guillotines.
Dear old
Great-Great-Grandmother Slice.
The belle of the
French Revolution.
Cara mia.
Oh, Gomez, you're just in time.
May I, dear? Anything.
(TINKLING)
Well, back to work.
Morticia, wait.
Wait? When art is calling?
Well, you can't keep
up this mad pace.
Look at yourself in the mirror.
Pale, wan, sunken-cheeked.
Yes, sculpting
does agree with me.
Querida, believe me, you're
working yourself to death.
Ah, well, then, my
prices will go up.
Look at it another way.
You're flooding the market.
Darling, Mr. Picasso
doesn't seem to think so.
He keeps paying bigger
and bigger prices everyday.
Even he's going to run out
of money sooner or later,
and a lot sooner than later.
You worry too much, bubele.
But the way
things are going, I...
Gomez, I called you bubele.
Oh, yes. Still drives me wild.
Darling, chisel
now. Bubele later.
Lurch, have you
ever been on relief?
(LURCH GROANING)
Ruined?
No, not if we make
you a one-armed thinker.
Just... Just sort of
put it behind your back.
Yes, that's much better.
Oh, dear.
Um...
May I?
(GROANING)
Yes, that's much better.
Now, I just have to remove that
piece of thumb from your chin.
I think I got a bit too much.
May I?
It just keeps improving.
Now, hold still while I
give it the final touch.
Lurch, I think I've
really hit on something.
Good night, Mrs. Addams.
Oh.
Well, good night, Lurch.
We'll work on it
again in the morning.
Morticia, it's 3:00
in the morning.
Wonderful.
I still have four
hours of nightlight left.
But aren't you coming to bed?
Oh, darling, how can I sleep
knowing that somewhere
there's a stone uncut.
How about a husband uncuddled?
Noble Gomez.
It's not like you
to think of yourself
when I'm in the
throes of creation.
But the whole house has changed!
We never dance anymore, or...
Well, dance, darling.
Go right ahead,
dance to your heart's content.
Alone? Querida... Why
don't you call Mama?
She's always ready for an
old-fashioned cha-cha-cha.
With all these rocks around,
there's not even room for a cha.
Darling, you're right.
I have been selfish.
You mean you're
gonna give up sculpting?
Oh, nonsense.
Since I'm crowding you here,
I'm going to find
myself a lovely garret.
A garret?
Of course. You can
visit me on weekends.
Pugsley! Wednesday!
Darling, your children
are here to see you.
Hello, children.
Poor little things.
You haven't seen your
mother in days, have you?
Sure we've seen her.
She's been right there
chopping on those rocks.
How true.
You little youngsters,
feeling lonely and neglected,
you've come to plead with
your mother to come back to you.
No, we were just on
our way to the kitchen.
Do you hear that? Not only lonely
and neglected, but starving, too.
Starving? Nonsense, darling,
there's plenty of cold
yak in the refrigerator.
Querida, it's 3:00
in the morning.
Oh, yes, cold yak might
upset their stomachs.
Heat it up, dear.
Children, tell your
mother what it's been like,
the last few days without her.
We've been having a ball.
We've been staying up all night.
Oh?
Well, just make sure you
sleep late in the morning.
Darling, they can't sleep late in the
morning, they have to go to school.
We haven't been
to school in days.
Do you hear that? They
haven't been to school in days.
But, Father, it's vacation.
Come on, Pugsley, let's go in
the kitchen and finish the fudge.
Little darlings.
Fudge?
Gadzooks! Is she going
to sculpt in the kitchen, too?
Wednesday, Pugsley,
what are you doing?
Will you look at what's
cooking in that pot?
Chocolate-marshmallow fudge!
Where did you
pick up that habit?
Children, what do you
have to say for yourselves?
We're sorry.
Have you ever tried fudge?
Don't be insolent.
Off to bed, this minute.
Go on, scoot,
scoot, scoot. Go on.
Oh, Gomez, fudge.
I have been
neglecting the children.
From now on, I'm
turning in my chisel.
No! No, don't try
to talk me out of it.
My mind's made up.
I'm going back to the most
important role a woman can have.
Lover. Mother.
Oh, that. And lover.
(GONG RESOUNDING)
You rang?
Lurch, clear those rocks
out of the living room.
We're going to dance till dawn!
Ole!
Ole.
(PLAYING ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC)
Do I hear music?
Yes.
You know when I told you to
call Blooker the broker and sell?
I thought you said buy.
Did I get you in a jam?
You certainly did, tax-wise.
That stock went up 50 points.
I made $600,000.
Wonderful.
Now I can buy back
all my lovely statues.