The Addams Family (1964–1966): Season 2, Episode 5 - Gomez, the People's Choice - full transcript
The house tax arrives and the Addamses are appalled that the figure attached to their fine, elegant mansion should be so low; however, attempts to rectify the matter only lowers the amount each time. It's obvious to them that their city government is corrupt. Morticia has an idea: Gomez for mayor. Surprisingly, Gomez's outrageous campaign catches on, appearing to the public as brilliant satire. It looks like he'll be a shoe-in as the next mayor, but seeing how the burdens of office are changing him - and he's not even elected yet - Morticia decides to force him out of office for his own good.
(FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky
♪ Mysterious and spooky
♪ They're altogether ooky
♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum
♪ When people come to see 'em
♪ They really are a scream
♪ The Addams family
MAN: Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
♪ So get a witch's shawl on
♪ A broomstick you can crawl on
♪ We're gonna pay a call on
♪ The Addams family ♪
(PLAYING UPBEAT SPANISH MUSIC)
Ah, nothing like a
quiet evening at home.
(ALARM SOUNDING)
Oh, the mail's in.
Ah.
Thank you, Thing.
Did I hear the mail?
Well, it's probably just the
usual stock dividends, I suppose.
Or another refund from
the treasury department.
Gomez, darling, it's
the tax bill on this house.
Ole!
Bully! How much
are they asking for?
Well, let's see.
After the municipal fund, the
sinking fund, the land improvements,
it comes to a
grand total of $84!
$84! On this gem of a house?
Why, that's an insult.
See for yourself.
Querida.
The simple case of
a displaced decimal.
It should read $8,400.
More likely $84,000.
It shouldn't be a penny less
for such a magnificent
mansion as this.
Now, darling, you go
right back to your Zen-Yogi.
I'll handle this by phone.
Good thinking, my dear.
Why, thank you, Thing.
Hello, tax department?
This is Mrs. Addams.
Yes, there's been
a rather amusing
typographical
error on our tax bill.
$84. Oh, thank you.
They realize there's
been an error.
They're checking it out now.
Oh, yes. And
what is the revised?
$8.40?
Let me at it.
Hello, there. Now, see here!
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
$8.40. The insult supreme.
You're not going to take
that lying down, are you?
Lying down? Certainly not.
I'm going to stand right
here and do a little thinking.
Gomez, I think we ought to
pay a little visit to the Mayor.
Quick, Your Honor,
it's that Addams family.
They've been here twice.
I'll stall them until you can
duck down the fire escape.
Cut out the
melodramatics, Clyde.
They're our voters, aren't they?
Well, anything is possible.
And there is an election
coming up. Now, show them in.
This is the season
to be friendly.
Friendly to the Addams family?
And they're
taxpayers, aren't they?
If you say so.
Mr. and Mrs. Addams
coming up, sir.
Psst!
Mrs. Addams, Mr. Addams,
do forgive the delay.
Please sit down.
The work of your
mayor is never done.
Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
Darling, show His Honor that
ridiculous tax bill on our house.
Here you are, sir.
Ridiculous. It is out.
Just a moment. You
never even looked at it.
Well, I didn't have to.
I've looked at your house.
We'll cut it in half.
The house?
No, no, dear lady. The tax bill.
A-A-As a matter of fact,
we'll cancel it altogether.
Or, to be really fair,
we'll send you a rebate.
Great Scott, look at the time!
I'm going to be late for
that cornerstone ceremony.
Do forgive me, do
forgive me. Goodbye.
Clyde!
Incompetence in office.
The bane of our existence.
To think that in
the last election
I voted for that
unmitigated scoundrel.
Not only that, darling,
you voted for him twice.
Well, I cast my first vote
so early it slipped my mind.
Somewhere, someplace
there must be a politician
who's a little less
of a conniving,
bumbling hack than Mayor Henson.
But who?
I don't know who.
But if I find him, he's going to
get some mighty strong support
in this coming election.
Now, darling, put your hand
up like this and repeat after me.
If I'm elected, ladies
and gentlemen...
If I'm elected, ladies
and gentlemen...
Let's face it.
Today you can't be elected
without a political
machine behind you.
And unfortunately,
I don't have one.
Oh, yes, you do,
dear. Uncle Fester?
There. Your old friend Wizzo.
The best machine a
man can have behind him.
Come along, dear.
Say something to Wizzo, darling.
Go on, anything. Anything?
Yeah, make a little speech.
All right.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Ladies and gentlemen.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
By george, that's a first-rate
political machine, all right.
It's been programmed
for instant politics.
Would you like a
smoke-filled room?
It also answers
political questions.
All right, here's a
political question.
How did a nincompoop like Henson
ever get elected in the first place?
Oh, that's an easy one.
"Mayor Henson got elected by
conniving, wheeling and dealing
"and lots of razzle-dazzle."
Querida.
I wish the whole world
could have heard that.
It will, Gomez, it will.
And now, Wizzo, how can a fine,
upstanding citizen
like Gomez Addams
defeat Mayor Henson?
"A fine, upstanding citizen like Gomez
Addams can defeat Mayor Henson
"by even more conniving,
wheeling, dealing and razzle-dazzle."
I'm afraid there's still a
few bugs left in Wizzo.
(WIZZO GROANING)
Fix it, Uncle Fester.
You're not going to let a
little thing like that stop you,
are you, bubele?
Bubele.
Tish... When you
say that word...
Well, are you?
If the enlightened citizens,
my fair constituents of
this glorious community
do me the honor of electing
me your mayor, I promise that...
(WHIRRING)
(DINGING)
And rest assured,
ladies and gentlemen,
(TYPEWRITER CLACKING) that the
Addams campaign will remain dignified,
on a high level and completely
free from the scurrilous tactics
of my conniving, double-dealing
scoundrel of an opponent.
Three high-level copies
of that speech, Thing,
when you get around to it.
Thank you, Thing.
That's one, two,
three. Very good.
"Conniving, scurrilous..."
Excellent. Excellent
work, Thing.
Gomez, darling. Yes, my dear.
It's time for your
baby-kissing practice session.
Cara mia.
Where would my campaign
be without your firm hand
on the tiller of the
good ship Addams?
Let's get started,
dear. Right. Yes, yes.
(FOGHORN SOUNDING)
Oh, Mr. Addams. Yes.
Both my baby and I
did so love your speech.
We're both going
to vote for you.
Thank you, madam.
And thank you, my
manly little fellow.
Or girl, as the case may be.
(COOING)
That perfume you're wearing.
Oh, sir.
Mr. Addams. Gomez!
It's the only way
to run a campaign.
The press.
I'm Brown from The Sun.
Well, you certainly look it.
Well, obviously you're here to
question me about my campaign.
Fire away.
Well, are you a candidate?
No comment.
No comment?
That's off the record.
Dear, I believe the young man
wants to know what position you take.
My position?
Well, I grasp the club firmly,
put the weight on my
right foot and wham!
No, no, dear. He wants
you to make a statement.
Ah, very well.
Look to the record.
I'll make it easier for you.
Very well.
How do you feel about slums?
Oh, preserving our historical
landmark is his first consideration.
Start out picking on slums, you
wind up doing away with swamps.
And when you do away with swamps
where are the
children going to play?
Vicious cycle. You see.
If you say so.
Oh, one last
question. Yes, indeed.
How are you coming along
collecting those 5,000 names
that you need to
get on the ballot?
At this very moment, two top
members of my staff are busily...
Ah, here they are now.
Back so soon.
And why not?
In two hours of tramping around
we got more than 20,000 names.
And a lot of blisters.
Does that answer your
question, my good man?
Yes, sir.
Don't forget the
campaign slogan.
Yes. "Gomez Addams. Watch
his smoke." Catchy, isn't it?
Everybody's getting
into the campaign.
Even I smoke occasionally.
(DOOR SLAMMING)
My, he's in a hurry.
Probably has to make a deadline.
Nice man. He just doesn't
seem to know much about politics.
I know all that, but who
are you going to vote for?
Who am I going to vote for?
Well, I'll tell you.
This Addams guy says he's
for slums, swamps, smog,
and the African tsetse fly.
Sounds kind of
nutty, doesn't he?
Nutty? Nutty like a fox.
It's a rib. Don't you get it?
Sure. He's teeing off
with these politicians
that make promises they know
they're never going to keep.
I'm voting for the Addams guy.
Same here. How about you?
I'm going to the nearest
bar and get smashed.
I can't believe it!
Here are the
actual figures, sir.
According to all the polls
Addams is pulling out in front of you.
But what do you suggest?
A debate on TV.
A debate on TV?
Addams is a kook. Get
him on the air and prove it.
Look, we'll have
the studio audience
loaded with ringers,
stacked questions.
Booing in all the right places.
Of all the mean,
low-down conniving tricks...
Well, what are you standing
there for? Go and arrange it.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
A-ha!
Fortune cookie.
Don't look now but there's
a telephone call for you.
Ah, thank you, Thing.
Hello? Good morning, Mayor.
A debate? I'd love to.
How's this for a theme?
"Resolved that boys and girls
should not go steady until..."
What?
Oh, the political issues.
Isn't that a bit extreme?
Very well, we'll do it your way.
Fine. I'll see you then.
Morticia. You called?
Cara mia.
The Mayor and I are going
to debate on television.
Oh, darling, do you
think you should?
Why not? Some television
producer might see me.
Open up a whole
new career for me.
Oh, by the way, the Mayor is
coming over tomorrow morning
to issue a formal challenge.
He's bringing along some reporters
to make sure I don't weasel out.
Me, weasel out?
That's not a bad idea.
Darling, television
has been the waterloo
of many an aspiring candidate.
But don't you worry, we'll have
you perfectly rehearsed and ready.
Querida mia.
Counselor in my despair, shining
beacon in my darkest moments.
Maybe it will be
better to weasel out.
No, the Addams
family honor is at stake.
The very words of
Lafayette Addams.
When he challenged the
Duke of Burgundy to a duel?
Just before he
skipped out of town.
Now, darling, I want the public
to see the real Gomez Addams.
Oh, very well.
No, I don't think that's quite
good for your public image.
Hang from the chandelier?
Just smile, dear.
MORTICIA: Very sweet.
Now, dear, I want to make
sure we get your best side.
How about this?
No, that's no good.
Like this?
No, that's no good, either.
Morticia, how's this?
This is his best side.
No, I believe facing the
camera is a bit more customary.
Well, I can bring the
camera around here.
No, dear, let's try that.
By george, Morticia,
you are a resourceful director.
Now, we need a little makeup.
Makeup.
Oh, Uncle Fester,
you only got one side.
Oh.
That Lafayette
Addams was no fool.
Darling, the minute
you get on the air,
I want you to square
your shoulders,
set your jaw, and
put on your glasses,
it makes you look so impressive.
Yes, that's it.
And I'll insist that the camera
zoom in for a big head close-up.
Yes, my dear.
Let's try it, yes.
Now, stare.
That's it. Close-up.
That was just a
wee bit too close.
But you're getting it, darling.
I've gotten it.
Gomez, I was just going to test
my new guillotine. Would you like...
Fester, don't you know I'm
going to debate the Mayor?
Can't you see I'm
wrestling with major issues?
Major who?
Labor, foreign
policies, social security.
Yeah, what do you think
should be done about them?
That's what I was
going to ask you.
You're no help at all.
Nothing but interruptions
and distractions.
Uncle Fester, I want you
to taste my new recipe.
Braised lion loins.
Say, that is tasty.
Something is the
matter with Gomez.
He doesn't even want
to play with my guillotine.
He has been acting strangely.
I'd better give this
my personal attention.
Fourscore and
nine years ago... No.
Fourscore and ten years ago...
That doesn't
sound right, either.
Oh, bubele.
Good morning, my dear.
Gomez, darling, I
called you bubele.
The world will little note,
nor long remember... No.
Gomez, dear, would you like a
little snack, some pate de foie gras?
Crepes suzettes? Gomez?
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Friends, Romans,
countrymen... That's it!
Oh, Morticia, what happened?
It's even worse
than you thought.
It all started when he
began running for mayor.
Oh, dear, sweet, kind Gomez.
I've turned him
into a Frankenstein.
There is a resemblance.
I can't interfere
now. Oh, yes, I can.
I forced him into this race and
I'll force him out for his own good.
How?
I'll need some cooperation.
You can count on me. Me, too.
Oh, dear, sweet Thing.
Not only do I accept the
challenge of a television debate,
but I refuse to sink to the
level of this corrupt old windbag
and engage in any name-calling.
A-ha, Mama!
I'm sorry I can't
stick around, son,
but I'll never get these
office floors scrubbed
just sitting here on my bucket.
Well, I'm off to my job.
Job? I didn't even
know you had a mop.
Just one moment, madam.
Did I understand you to say
that Gomez Addams is your son?
Sure, has been for years.
Oh, thank you.
If you bring it back
I'll autograph it for you.
Well, gentlemen,
did you hear that?
And this is the man
who asks you to elect him
to the high office of
mayor of our fair city.
And who forces that old,
grey-haired mother of his
to scrub office floors.
What do you have
to say to that, sir?
There's a perfectly
simple explanation.
I just can't think of it.
Meaning, of course, that
you are not going to help.
Of course I'm going to help her.
I'm going to get her a new mop.
That old one did
look pretty scruffy.
(GUN FIRING)
Gomez, I just had to see you!
It has been hours, hasn't it?
I'm really touched.
Say, I like your new outfit.
Who's your tailor?
Oh, never mind that.
I just wanted you to know
you'd get my vote if I had one.
(GUN FIRING)
They'll never take me alive.
Who was that?
Oh, that's Uncle Fester,
the family Beau Brummell.
Off to the races, from the looks
of the outfit he was wearing.
MORTICIA: I'm leaving that
beast and no one can stop me.
Cara mia, what happened?
What happened?
You know what
happened, you wife-beater.
And you gentlemen of the press,
if you know your job, you'll
splatter this all over the front pages.
And as for you, when
the public finds out
what a vile fiend you really are
it'll be curtains for you.
The end.
Fini.
Tish, that's French.
And when they find out
that you're also a scoundrel
and a cardsharp and a vain,
self-centered, sweet,
kind, beautiful...
And a vote for Gomez Addams
is a vote for clean government!
Well, gentlemen, I hope you will
give this story the
treatment it deserves.
We will. And it'll
be a landslide.
Well, thank you.
An Addams landslide.
Addams landslide?
Get with it, Mayor.
This is the absolute tops
in satire on dirty politics,
mud-slinging and
character assassination.
Addams is even getting my vote.
(WHISPERS) What'll I do?
Concede. What?
You're all washed-up anyway.
There'll be other elections
and the crowd
loves a good loser.
A new political star has risen.
Gentlemen, I give you
His Honor, Gomez Addams.
FESTER: Gomez? Yes.
Do you really like
this outfit? Oh, yes.
Not now, Uncle
Fester. Please, dear.
What were you saying?
Well, the people have spoken
when they first rushed to
sign that original petition.
That's silly.
What's silly?
Well, where we got
those names from,
no one was rushing or speaking.
Uncle Fester, where
did you get those names?
The Happy Rest Cemetery.
Right off the headstones.
Cemetery?
Yeah.
Addams, I'm afraid that
disqualifies you, old boy.
Better luck next time.
Oh, Gomez, darling,
I'm dreadfully sorry.
I feel personally
responsible for all of this.
Can you ever forgive me?
I doubt it.
Bubele.
Bubele.
So help me, if I live
to be a thousand,
I'll never, never forgive you.
(SINGING)
What is it, darling?
I simply must know how
I'd have fared as Mayor.
Statesmanship, leadership,
initiative, intelligence
and ability.
Don't forget good looks, dear.
Right, good looks.
(TOOTING AND WHIRRING)
Darling, is "impeachment" good?
"Chaos, mismanagement,
corruption?"
Well, in that case, impeachment
would be the best thing.
Who wants to be
mayor of a bankrupt city?
You withdrew just
in time, darling.
Cara.
♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky
♪ Mysterious and spooky
♪ They're altogether ooky
♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum
♪ When people come to see 'em
♪ They really are a scream
♪ The Addams family
MAN: Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
♪ So get a witch's shawl on
♪ A broomstick you can crawl on
♪ We're gonna pay a call on
♪ The Addams family ♪
(PLAYING UPBEAT SPANISH MUSIC)
Ah, nothing like a
quiet evening at home.
(ALARM SOUNDING)
Oh, the mail's in.
Ah.
Thank you, Thing.
Did I hear the mail?
Well, it's probably just the
usual stock dividends, I suppose.
Or another refund from
the treasury department.
Gomez, darling, it's
the tax bill on this house.
Ole!
Bully! How much
are they asking for?
Well, let's see.
After the municipal fund, the
sinking fund, the land improvements,
it comes to a
grand total of $84!
$84! On this gem of a house?
Why, that's an insult.
See for yourself.
Querida.
The simple case of
a displaced decimal.
It should read $8,400.
More likely $84,000.
It shouldn't be a penny less
for such a magnificent
mansion as this.
Now, darling, you go
right back to your Zen-Yogi.
I'll handle this by phone.
Good thinking, my dear.
Why, thank you, Thing.
Hello, tax department?
This is Mrs. Addams.
Yes, there's been
a rather amusing
typographical
error on our tax bill.
$84. Oh, thank you.
They realize there's
been an error.
They're checking it out now.
Oh, yes. And
what is the revised?
$8.40?
Let me at it.
Hello, there. Now, see here!
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
$8.40. The insult supreme.
You're not going to take
that lying down, are you?
Lying down? Certainly not.
I'm going to stand right
here and do a little thinking.
Gomez, I think we ought to
pay a little visit to the Mayor.
Quick, Your Honor,
it's that Addams family.
They've been here twice.
I'll stall them until you can
duck down the fire escape.
Cut out the
melodramatics, Clyde.
They're our voters, aren't they?
Well, anything is possible.
And there is an election
coming up. Now, show them in.
This is the season
to be friendly.
Friendly to the Addams family?
And they're
taxpayers, aren't they?
If you say so.
Mr. and Mrs. Addams
coming up, sir.
Psst!
Mrs. Addams, Mr. Addams,
do forgive the delay.
Please sit down.
The work of your
mayor is never done.
Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
Darling, show His Honor that
ridiculous tax bill on our house.
Here you are, sir.
Ridiculous. It is out.
Just a moment. You
never even looked at it.
Well, I didn't have to.
I've looked at your house.
We'll cut it in half.
The house?
No, no, dear lady. The tax bill.
A-A-As a matter of fact,
we'll cancel it altogether.
Or, to be really fair,
we'll send you a rebate.
Great Scott, look at the time!
I'm going to be late for
that cornerstone ceremony.
Do forgive me, do
forgive me. Goodbye.
Clyde!
Incompetence in office.
The bane of our existence.
To think that in
the last election
I voted for that
unmitigated scoundrel.
Not only that, darling,
you voted for him twice.
Well, I cast my first vote
so early it slipped my mind.
Somewhere, someplace
there must be a politician
who's a little less
of a conniving,
bumbling hack than Mayor Henson.
But who?
I don't know who.
But if I find him, he's going to
get some mighty strong support
in this coming election.
Now, darling, put your hand
up like this and repeat after me.
If I'm elected, ladies
and gentlemen...
If I'm elected, ladies
and gentlemen...
Let's face it.
Today you can't be elected
without a political
machine behind you.
And unfortunately,
I don't have one.
Oh, yes, you do,
dear. Uncle Fester?
There. Your old friend Wizzo.
The best machine a
man can have behind him.
Come along, dear.
Say something to Wizzo, darling.
Go on, anything. Anything?
Yeah, make a little speech.
All right.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Ladies and gentlemen.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
By george, that's a first-rate
political machine, all right.
It's been programmed
for instant politics.
Would you like a
smoke-filled room?
It also answers
political questions.
All right, here's a
political question.
How did a nincompoop like Henson
ever get elected in the first place?
Oh, that's an easy one.
"Mayor Henson got elected by
conniving, wheeling and dealing
"and lots of razzle-dazzle."
Querida.
I wish the whole world
could have heard that.
It will, Gomez, it will.
And now, Wizzo, how can a fine,
upstanding citizen
like Gomez Addams
defeat Mayor Henson?
"A fine, upstanding citizen like Gomez
Addams can defeat Mayor Henson
"by even more conniving,
wheeling, dealing and razzle-dazzle."
I'm afraid there's still a
few bugs left in Wizzo.
(WIZZO GROANING)
Fix it, Uncle Fester.
You're not going to let a
little thing like that stop you,
are you, bubele?
Bubele.
Tish... When you
say that word...
Well, are you?
If the enlightened citizens,
my fair constituents of
this glorious community
do me the honor of electing
me your mayor, I promise that...
(WHIRRING)
(DINGING)
And rest assured,
ladies and gentlemen,
(TYPEWRITER CLACKING) that the
Addams campaign will remain dignified,
on a high level and completely
free from the scurrilous tactics
of my conniving, double-dealing
scoundrel of an opponent.
Three high-level copies
of that speech, Thing,
when you get around to it.
Thank you, Thing.
That's one, two,
three. Very good.
"Conniving, scurrilous..."
Excellent. Excellent
work, Thing.
Gomez, darling. Yes, my dear.
It's time for your
baby-kissing practice session.
Cara mia.
Where would my campaign
be without your firm hand
on the tiller of the
good ship Addams?
Let's get started,
dear. Right. Yes, yes.
(FOGHORN SOUNDING)
Oh, Mr. Addams. Yes.
Both my baby and I
did so love your speech.
We're both going
to vote for you.
Thank you, madam.
And thank you, my
manly little fellow.
Or girl, as the case may be.
(COOING)
That perfume you're wearing.
Oh, sir.
Mr. Addams. Gomez!
It's the only way
to run a campaign.
The press.
I'm Brown from The Sun.
Well, you certainly look it.
Well, obviously you're here to
question me about my campaign.
Fire away.
Well, are you a candidate?
No comment.
No comment?
That's off the record.
Dear, I believe the young man
wants to know what position you take.
My position?
Well, I grasp the club firmly,
put the weight on my
right foot and wham!
No, no, dear. He wants
you to make a statement.
Ah, very well.
Look to the record.
I'll make it easier for you.
Very well.
How do you feel about slums?
Oh, preserving our historical
landmark is his first consideration.
Start out picking on slums, you
wind up doing away with swamps.
And when you do away with swamps
where are the
children going to play?
Vicious cycle. You see.
If you say so.
Oh, one last
question. Yes, indeed.
How are you coming along
collecting those 5,000 names
that you need to
get on the ballot?
At this very moment, two top
members of my staff are busily...
Ah, here they are now.
Back so soon.
And why not?
In two hours of tramping around
we got more than 20,000 names.
And a lot of blisters.
Does that answer your
question, my good man?
Yes, sir.
Don't forget the
campaign slogan.
Yes. "Gomez Addams. Watch
his smoke." Catchy, isn't it?
Everybody's getting
into the campaign.
Even I smoke occasionally.
(DOOR SLAMMING)
My, he's in a hurry.
Probably has to make a deadline.
Nice man. He just doesn't
seem to know much about politics.
I know all that, but who
are you going to vote for?
Who am I going to vote for?
Well, I'll tell you.
This Addams guy says he's
for slums, swamps, smog,
and the African tsetse fly.
Sounds kind of
nutty, doesn't he?
Nutty? Nutty like a fox.
It's a rib. Don't you get it?
Sure. He's teeing off
with these politicians
that make promises they know
they're never going to keep.
I'm voting for the Addams guy.
Same here. How about you?
I'm going to the nearest
bar and get smashed.
I can't believe it!
Here are the
actual figures, sir.
According to all the polls
Addams is pulling out in front of you.
But what do you suggest?
A debate on TV.
A debate on TV?
Addams is a kook. Get
him on the air and prove it.
Look, we'll have
the studio audience
loaded with ringers,
stacked questions.
Booing in all the right places.
Of all the mean,
low-down conniving tricks...
Well, what are you standing
there for? Go and arrange it.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
A-ha!
Fortune cookie.
Don't look now but there's
a telephone call for you.
Ah, thank you, Thing.
Hello? Good morning, Mayor.
A debate? I'd love to.
How's this for a theme?
"Resolved that boys and girls
should not go steady until..."
What?
Oh, the political issues.
Isn't that a bit extreme?
Very well, we'll do it your way.
Fine. I'll see you then.
Morticia. You called?
Cara mia.
The Mayor and I are going
to debate on television.
Oh, darling, do you
think you should?
Why not? Some television
producer might see me.
Open up a whole
new career for me.
Oh, by the way, the Mayor is
coming over tomorrow morning
to issue a formal challenge.
He's bringing along some reporters
to make sure I don't weasel out.
Me, weasel out?
That's not a bad idea.
Darling, television
has been the waterloo
of many an aspiring candidate.
But don't you worry, we'll have
you perfectly rehearsed and ready.
Querida mia.
Counselor in my despair, shining
beacon in my darkest moments.
Maybe it will be
better to weasel out.
No, the Addams
family honor is at stake.
The very words of
Lafayette Addams.
When he challenged the
Duke of Burgundy to a duel?
Just before he
skipped out of town.
Now, darling, I want the public
to see the real Gomez Addams.
Oh, very well.
No, I don't think that's quite
good for your public image.
Hang from the chandelier?
Just smile, dear.
MORTICIA: Very sweet.
Now, dear, I want to make
sure we get your best side.
How about this?
No, that's no good.
Like this?
No, that's no good, either.
Morticia, how's this?
This is his best side.
No, I believe facing the
camera is a bit more customary.
Well, I can bring the
camera around here.
No, dear, let's try that.
By george, Morticia,
you are a resourceful director.
Now, we need a little makeup.
Makeup.
Oh, Uncle Fester,
you only got one side.
Oh.
That Lafayette
Addams was no fool.
Darling, the minute
you get on the air,
I want you to square
your shoulders,
set your jaw, and
put on your glasses,
it makes you look so impressive.
Yes, that's it.
And I'll insist that the camera
zoom in for a big head close-up.
Yes, my dear.
Let's try it, yes.
Now, stare.
That's it. Close-up.
That was just a
wee bit too close.
But you're getting it, darling.
I've gotten it.
Gomez, I was just going to test
my new guillotine. Would you like...
Fester, don't you know I'm
going to debate the Mayor?
Can't you see I'm
wrestling with major issues?
Major who?
Labor, foreign
policies, social security.
Yeah, what do you think
should be done about them?
That's what I was
going to ask you.
You're no help at all.
Nothing but interruptions
and distractions.
Uncle Fester, I want you
to taste my new recipe.
Braised lion loins.
Say, that is tasty.
Something is the
matter with Gomez.
He doesn't even want
to play with my guillotine.
He has been acting strangely.
I'd better give this
my personal attention.
Fourscore and
nine years ago... No.
Fourscore and ten years ago...
That doesn't
sound right, either.
Oh, bubele.
Good morning, my dear.
Gomez, darling, I
called you bubele.
The world will little note,
nor long remember... No.
Gomez, dear, would you like a
little snack, some pate de foie gras?
Crepes suzettes? Gomez?
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Friends, Romans,
countrymen... That's it!
Oh, Morticia, what happened?
It's even worse
than you thought.
It all started when he
began running for mayor.
Oh, dear, sweet, kind Gomez.
I've turned him
into a Frankenstein.
There is a resemblance.
I can't interfere
now. Oh, yes, I can.
I forced him into this race and
I'll force him out for his own good.
How?
I'll need some cooperation.
You can count on me. Me, too.
Oh, dear, sweet Thing.
Not only do I accept the
challenge of a television debate,
but I refuse to sink to the
level of this corrupt old windbag
and engage in any name-calling.
A-ha, Mama!
I'm sorry I can't
stick around, son,
but I'll never get these
office floors scrubbed
just sitting here on my bucket.
Well, I'm off to my job.
Job? I didn't even
know you had a mop.
Just one moment, madam.
Did I understand you to say
that Gomez Addams is your son?
Sure, has been for years.
Oh, thank you.
If you bring it back
I'll autograph it for you.
Well, gentlemen,
did you hear that?
And this is the man
who asks you to elect him
to the high office of
mayor of our fair city.
And who forces that old,
grey-haired mother of his
to scrub office floors.
What do you have
to say to that, sir?
There's a perfectly
simple explanation.
I just can't think of it.
Meaning, of course, that
you are not going to help.
Of course I'm going to help her.
I'm going to get her a new mop.
That old one did
look pretty scruffy.
(GUN FIRING)
Gomez, I just had to see you!
It has been hours, hasn't it?
I'm really touched.
Say, I like your new outfit.
Who's your tailor?
Oh, never mind that.
I just wanted you to know
you'd get my vote if I had one.
(GUN FIRING)
They'll never take me alive.
Who was that?
Oh, that's Uncle Fester,
the family Beau Brummell.
Off to the races, from the looks
of the outfit he was wearing.
MORTICIA: I'm leaving that
beast and no one can stop me.
Cara mia, what happened?
What happened?
You know what
happened, you wife-beater.
And you gentlemen of the press,
if you know your job, you'll
splatter this all over the front pages.
And as for you, when
the public finds out
what a vile fiend you really are
it'll be curtains for you.
The end.
Fini.
Tish, that's French.
And when they find out
that you're also a scoundrel
and a cardsharp and a vain,
self-centered, sweet,
kind, beautiful...
And a vote for Gomez Addams
is a vote for clean government!
Well, gentlemen, I hope you will
give this story the
treatment it deserves.
We will. And it'll
be a landslide.
Well, thank you.
An Addams landslide.
Addams landslide?
Get with it, Mayor.
This is the absolute tops
in satire on dirty politics,
mud-slinging and
character assassination.
Addams is even getting my vote.
(WHISPERS) What'll I do?
Concede. What?
You're all washed-up anyway.
There'll be other elections
and the crowd
loves a good loser.
A new political star has risen.
Gentlemen, I give you
His Honor, Gomez Addams.
FESTER: Gomez? Yes.
Do you really like
this outfit? Oh, yes.
Not now, Uncle
Fester. Please, dear.
What were you saying?
Well, the people have spoken
when they first rushed to
sign that original petition.
That's silly.
What's silly?
Well, where we got
those names from,
no one was rushing or speaking.
Uncle Fester, where
did you get those names?
The Happy Rest Cemetery.
Right off the headstones.
Cemetery?
Yeah.
Addams, I'm afraid that
disqualifies you, old boy.
Better luck next time.
Oh, Gomez, darling,
I'm dreadfully sorry.
I feel personally
responsible for all of this.
Can you ever forgive me?
I doubt it.
Bubele.
Bubele.
So help me, if I live
to be a thousand,
I'll never, never forgive you.
(SINGING)
What is it, darling?
I simply must know how
I'd have fared as Mayor.
Statesmanship, leadership,
initiative, intelligence
and ability.
Don't forget good looks, dear.
Right, good looks.
(TOOTING AND WHIRRING)
Darling, is "impeachment" good?
"Chaos, mismanagement,
corruption?"
Well, in that case, impeachment
would be the best thing.
Who wants to be
mayor of a bankrupt city?
You withdrew just
in time, darling.
Cara.