The Addams Family (1964–1966): Season 2, Episode 29 - Lurch's Grand Romance - full transcript

They're creepy and they're kooky

Mysterious and spooky

They're altogether ooky

The Addams family

The house is a museum

When people come to see 'em

They really are a scream

The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.



So get a witch's shawl on

A broomstick you can crawl on

We're gonna pay a call on

The Addams family

Uncle Fester, I don't think Mama will like
you playing with her crystal ball.

Well, while she's cooking
I thought I'd see if I could read it.

Find anything interesting yet, Fester?

I'm trying to read Morticia's future.

What do you see, Uncle Fester?

Incredible monster with beady, little eyes
and a forehead like a gorilla.

You're looking at your own reflection,
Fester.

I thought he looked familiar.

Wait a minute.
I'm beginning to read something.

Morticia,



it says that your school chum,
Trivia, is coming here to visit.

I told you that yesterday, dear.

Oh, yeah, I could have sworn
I saw it in the crystal ball.

Wait a minute.

Somebody's trying to send us a message.
I see some words.

There are some words,
but they're rather fuzzy.

Maybe it's Trivia trying to get through.

- Now I can read it.
- What does it say?

It says,

"Made in Japan."

Miss Trivia.

- Oh, Trivia.
- Darling.

Trivia, you certainly look well for you.

Nice of you to say so.

We thought you were getting married.

Oh, I was on the verge,
but I just couldn't go through with it.

- Why not?
- He never asked me.

- Besides, my heart's in showbiz.
- Showbiz?

Oh boy I'm lucky
I'll say I'm lucky

This is my lucky day yeah

Beautiful.

How's showbiz treating you, Trivia?

They love me in Altoona.

One reviewer compared my scene
to the mating call of a platypus.

- No wonder they're becoming extinct.
- Uncle Fester.

- Allow me.
- Why, thank you, Lurch, darling.

- What's the matter with Lurch?
- He is acting rather peculiarly.

I bet he had some of Mama's
salamander puffs.

He just can't eat rich deserts.

Well, as we show folks say,
I think I'll take five

and go freshen up a bit.

Traveling, it's such a tiring bore.

Of course, dear.

Lurch, take Miss Trivia's things
up to her room, please.

Yes, Mrs. Addams.

Lurch, no! I said,
Miss Trivia's things, not Miss Trivia.

Sorry, lost my head.

I'll have to apologize for Lurch.
I don't understand what came over him.

I can. He's in love.

Lurch in love? Impossible.

Well, who can he be in love with
around here?

Poor boys...

There just seems to be something
about me they simply can't resist.

I wonder what it could be.
How do you feel about Lurch?

Well, he's rather cute,
but I have no time for love.

Showbiz is my entire life.

Oh boy I'm lucky
I'll say I'm lucky

Oh boy I'm lucky

- With a voice like that she should get life.
- This calls for some nerve settling.

Poor Lurch, love at first sight.

- Maybe, he should take a second look.
- They would make a handsome couple.

Oh, well, c'est la vie.

Tish, you spoke French.

Gomez, darling, please,

there is a time and place for everything.

- How about here and now?
- Dear, I'm worried about Lurch.

- Who's Lurch?
- Our butler.

Oh, Lurch. Yes.

I think we should find out how serious
he is about Trivia.

Good idea.
Maybe it's just temporary insanity.

- You rang?
- Yes, Lurch.

I... Well, that is, we,

couldn't help but notice
how taken you were with Miss Trivia.

Oh!

Come, come now, Lurch,

your feelings are written
all over your face.

Just look at him.

By george, Morticia, you're right.

If I ever saw a love-sick expression.

- He's sick all right.
- Oh, it's so romantic.

Oh boy I'm lucky
I'll say I'm lucky

Here she comes again, Lurch.

Now, just walk right up to her

and tell her how you feel.

No.

Well, nothing to it, old man.

Well, we'll be in
the conservatory watching.

After all, two is company.

And with Trivia, it could be a crowd.

- Well, where is everybody?
- Watching.

- He sure thinks fast on his feet.
- Watching? Who?

Oh, well, it doesn't matter.
I've got to get on with my rehearsing.

Showbiz, you know.

Miss Trivia...

Yes, Lurch, you wanted to say something?

Speak up, speak up.
I've got no time for idle chatter.

Nice day.

That's not much of a proposal,
but it's a good weather report.

Is that all you wanted to tell me?

Well, what else? Come, come.
I have got to get on with my career.

You and...

Oh, I know.
You want my autograph, right?

No?

Oh, of course, you're trying to tell me
you're smitten with me.

Naturally, but my heart's still in showbiz.
Well, better luck next time.

Oh boy I'm lucky
I'll say I'm lucky

This is my lucky day

Oh, dear...

This is going to be terrible
for poor Lurch's ego.

Not to mention his personality, either.

- Yeah, he's such a fun kid.
- Bit on the shy side, though.

- A bit.
- I have an idea.

If we can only change Trivia's mind
about Lurch.

How can we? You heard her,
all she cares about is showbiz.

But if we could convince her
that Lurch is even more exciting...

She might give it all up for him.
That's a capital idea, querida.

Oh, but we can never do that.

We'd have to make a whole new man
out of him.

I'll just fire a volley
of the old Addams spirit into him.

Wednesday and I could work
on his social graces.

They have been sadly neglected.

Yeah, and after a couple of hours with me,

why, he'll know
all there is to know about women.

- What do you know about women, Fester?
- Well, I had a mother, didn't I?

Take it from an old Latin lover, Lurch.

Nothing brings out
the woman in the woman more

than the man in the man.

Trivia sees you in a gaucho outfit,
she'll be a goner.

I hope so.

Well, look what it did for Valentino.

When she sees you've mastered the bola,
that will really knock her for a loop.

Now, watch. Watch carefully.

Style...

The form...

Now, the crucial thing about the bola
is knowing exactly when to let go.

A split second too soon
or a split second too late...

Let that be a lesson to you.

Oh, Gomez, darling, did you help Lurch?

I tried to teach him the mastery of
the South American bola.

- You're an expert at that.
- Yes, but I'm afraid he's a slow learner.

- Not all men have your talents, darling.
- Or yours.

Oh, by george, Morticia.
You have outdone yourself.

What is it?

Well, I was going to call it
Mishmosh at Dawn,

- but I'm afraid that's a bit pretentious.
- Well, you may be right.

I think I'll call it just plain, simple Blob.

It's perfect.

Well, I think I'll have another go at Lurch.
Perhaps modern dance this time.

Oh, darling,
Wednesday's teaching him that.

Oh, capital.

Blob, however did you think of it?

Well, actually I heard someone describing
my last painting that way.

And it inspired me.

- Querida.
- Darling.

This is the latest. It's called the Droop.

- Come on, now you try it.
- Me?

- I think Miss Trivia's a swinger.
- Swinger?

You don't want her
to think you're square, do you?

Then if you learn how to dance well,
she'll think you're boss.

"Boss"?

Neat...

Groovy... Come on. Try it.

Loosen up a little, let yourself go.

Oh boy I'm lucky
I'll say I'm lucky

This is my lucky day

You got it, Lurch!

Oh, what a pleasant surprise.

I thought the mazurka went out ages ago.

Wednesday, darling, you're excused.

- Please turn off the phonograph.
- Yes, Mother.

Lurch, the music has stopped.

I know, but I can't.

Now, here we are, darling.

Now, Cleopatra, Mother knows best, dear.

You simply must get on a low-calorie diet.

Open up...

Cleopatra, your tentacles are getting thick.
Open up!

- Querida.
- Good morning, darling.

Oh, my! You look a bit under.

Glad to hear it,
because that's the way I feel.

Couldn't get a wink of sleep
with Lurch moaning all the night.

Oh, yes. I heard him, too.

Moaning and walking the floor.

Sounded like a herd of elephants.

Where is he?
I haven't seen him this morning.

He's probably with Uncle Fester finishing
his course in the feminine mystique.

Good.
If I know Fester, he'll pull no punches.

He's a man's man.

And now, Lurch, my boy,

you and I are going to have
a man-to-man talk.

Now, the first thing is we...

I seem to be a man short.

Lurch!

Now, if you wanna make any headway
with Trivia,

you've gotta understand all about women.

And that's my department.

Now, the most important thing
is the proper approach.

Now, I'll be Trivia.

Oh boy I'm lucky
They say I'm lucky

This is my lucky day

Well, pick it up.

Keep going.

No...

No!
That's not what you're supposed to do.

You're supposed to take it and say,

"Pardon me,
you dropped your handkerchief.

"How about a date tonight, baby?"

You got it?

Okay, now try it again.

Oh boy I'm lucky
This is my lucky

Poise, Lurch, poise.

Dropped handkerchief.

How about a...

- What's the matter, Lurch?
- You're not my type.

I'm going to end it all.

Oh, good! Now, we're getting someplace.

Well, how are things
in the school of romance?

School just let out.

Lurch is going to end it all.

That's ridiculous. You can't do away
with yourself just like that.

- That's right. You gotta leave a note.
- Exactly.

Spoken like a man, Lurch.

We have to find just the right note.

Something that will make Trivia
come to her senses.

Yeah, make her realize what a good catch
she could have had.

Be a real happy ending.

Make a note, Thing.

- How about, "Dear Trivia"?
- No, it sounds a little flat.

You know, a note like this
should start off with a real grabber

for Trivia to find in
Lurch's outstretched hand.

Good thinking, Fester.

How about, "Farewell beloved"?

No suspense.
You give away the whole ending.

Fester, you're a born showman.
How's this, "To Whom It May Concern"?

Bingo!

Changed my mind.

Changed your mind?
Lurch, there no sense just hanging around

being miserable, is there?

No, maybe, we could figure out
some glamorous way for him to go like...

- Jumping off the roof.
- Too messy.

Lurch, how do you feel about gas?

- Gives me heartburn.
- Yeah, me too. Forget about it.

This is a happy little group!
Is Lurch's problem solved?

Beautifully, he's gonna end it all.

Very romantic,
but isn't that a bit extreme?

Did Romeo and Juliet
think it was a bit extreme?

Certainly not.
And they lived happily ever after.

- Or did they?
- No, Uncle Fester, they did not.

Besides, where would we find
a replacement for dear Lurch.

Querida, your wisdom is exceeded only
by your great beauty.

French! And bubele, too.

Gomez, not now, not now.
We gotta solve Lurch's problem first.

Oh, yes, Lurch's problem.

Lurch, I think you should sweep
Miss Trivia off her feet.

Yes, Mrs. Addams.

- Thank you, Thing.
- No, Lurch.

Forget about the sweeping.

Miss Trivia is very musical-minded.

Why don't you appeal to
that side of her nature?

- Serenade her?
- Exactly.

Ah, that's our Lurch,
willing to try anything.

- Tish, our song.
- Hits you right here.

Lurch, you try it.

I think we better forget
about the serenading.

We'll just have to leave it up to Mama.

- Mama?
- Yes, she's going to work on dear Trivia.

Well, if anyone can do it, it's Mama.

She's a real femme fatale.

I spoke French. Bye!

Is it true you're really going to help
Lurch's romance, Grandmother?

Well, you can't leave
these things to amateurs.

What are you going to do?

I'm going about it scientifically.

A love potion.

Oh boy I'm lucky
I'll say I'm lucky

Oh, Trivia!

Is someone calling me?

Come and get your yak juice.

- Yak juice?
- Nice and scalding.

Oh, good, it does wonders
for my complexion.

- Where's that man?
- Coming up.

You rang?

Lurch, you great big,
wonderful hunk of masculinity.

Well, I guess you two love birds
wanna be alone.

Where, oh, where
have you been all my life?

The kitchen.

Nothing like a leisurely stroll
on the freeway.

I'm yours, Lurch.
My heart, my soul, my bank account.

It looks like my coaching paid off.
Lurch really hit pay dirt.

Looks more like an avalanche.

Tell me you love me, Lurch.
Tell me, tell me, tell me.

Oh, say it again.

Oh, please.

Bashful, eh? I'll unbashful you.

- Changed mind.
- Come back! Come back, Lurch!

Ah, dear Trivia.

She's finally come to her senses.

I guess old Lurch
just broke down her resistance.

He does have an irresistible charm.

Reminds me of Casanova Addams.

When he toyed with women's hearts?

When he was jailed
for nonpayment of alimony.

- Let me in, Lurch.
- No.

Ah, Trivia.

Gomez! You great big, lovable brute.

- Is there some mistake?
- Certainly not! You're a man, aren't you?

You're drunk with love,
you don't know what you're doing.

I may be drunk with love,
but I know what I'm doing.

Oh, Gomez!

Gosh, it sure is quiet around here.

Quiet and full of love.

Love?

Lurch and Trivia
have finally found each other.

Well, I could see where he'd have
a little trouble finding her.

They've fallen in love.

I can't see where she'd have any trouble...

- Love?
- Madly.

Well, it may not be an ideal marriage,

- but it'll certainly make an ideal divorce.
- Oh, no, Uncle Fester.

Trivia's a one-man woman.

- Gomez, darling, what's wrong?
- Trivia, she's in love with me.

You better make that a two-man woman.

Gomez, that's impossible.
You're a married man.

I think that sort of slipped Trivia's mind.

I tried to get away,
but she was like a tigress.

Oh, dear. I can't believe it.

My best friend, a husband-stealer.

She could get in trouble doing that.

That's petty larceny.

Fester, you've gotta calm her down.

You have to explain to her
what it would do to Lurch

if he found out she was hopelessly in love
with me.

Better explain what it would do
to me, too.

Don't worry, I'll straighten it out.

Darling, isn't it a comfort to have a person
like Uncle Fester to take things in hand.

You beautiful, delicious man!

I'm mad for you!

This is destiny.

Haven't you got me mixed up
with Gomez, or is it Lurch?

All I know is I'm mad, mad, mad for you.

- You know something, I think you're fickle.
- Only as far as men are concerned.

Trivia!
I thought you were in love with Gomez.

And I thought you were in love with Lurch.

Oh, those were just silly,
little infatuations.

This is the man I really love.

But I'm a confirmed bachelor.

- Since when?
- Since...

- Just now!
- I just love it when they play hard to get.

Itt!

You marvelous mountain of hair.

Oh, you know just what
to say to a woman.

Gomez, this thing with Trivia
has gone far enough.

You're absolutely right.

Jilting me for Fester.

Uncle Fester does have
an inner magnetism.

Yes, he does have that certain
je ne sais quoi.

Tish, that's French, I wish you'd said that.

- Trivia now, darling, je ne sais quoi later.
- You said it.

Later, darling. Later.

Later.

You're the only man I've ever loved.

You have a girl? Excuses! Excuses!

This is destiny. Fate!

Tell me you love me.
Tell me, tell me, tell me.

Say it again.

Either that's Cousin Itt
or Uncle Fester needs a shave.

You delicious man.

Cousin Itt, I'm so glad I found you.

Trivia, what's the meaning of this?

You can't do this to Lurch and Fester and...

- Well, you can forget about me.
- Oh, I have. I have.

I found my one, my true...

What's the matter with him?

Why are you staring at me that way?

Oh! Something happened here. What?

- Well, we thought you were in love.
- Love! Me? Oh, silly.

Well, I've got to be going.
Showbiz is calling.

Oh boy I'm lucky
I'll say I'm lucky

I'll help her pack.

This is my lucky day

- Lurch seems eager to get rid of her.
- I guess he's fickle, too.

In that case, it's too bad.
They would have made a perfect match.

Poor Lurch. We failed him.

And when I think of how beautiful
it could have all been.

If only he had taken that final step.

- Into matrimony?
- Off the roof.

Well, we all make mistakes.

I still can't understand what went wrong.

This stuff always worked before.

Well, I'm sort of glad.

- Now Lurch won't leave.
- That's true.

I think I'll go feed my spiders.

Oh boy I'm lucky
I'll say I'm lucky

This is my lucky day

- What is it, Mama?
- Age, my boy. Just age.