The Addams Family (1964–1966): Season 2, Episode 27 - Lurch's Little Helper - full transcript

They're creepy and they're kooky

Mysterious and spooky

They're altogether ooky

The Addams family

The house is a museum

When people come to see 'em

They really are a scream

The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.



So get a witch's shawl on

A broomstick you can crawl on

We're gonna pay a call on

The Addams family

Lurch. When you finish there,
I wish you'd milk Pugsley's octopus

and shampoo Mama's alligator.

Yes, Mrs. Addams.

Oh, and when you make up our bed,
Mr. Addams' pillow is getting soft again.

I think you better add a dash of cement.

Morticia, that mad music
sets my warrior blood on fire.

Oh, Gomez-san, my mongrel chieftain.

That's Mongol.

- That's enough for now, Lurch.
- Yes, Mr. Addams.

I don't want to wear you out. Lurch?



The bed of nails needs filing.
I want those points needle-sharp.

Yes, Mr. Addams.

When I stretch out on that thing,
I want my pores to really open up.

Dear Lurch.
He just loves playing samurai with you.

And he's so graceful at it,
like a ballet dancer, isn't he?

Good at concealing pain, too.

You'd never guess he aches all over
from that beating I just gave him.

I'm a little worried about Lurch,
though, darling.

You think I overdid it this time?
Took too much out of him?

No, but I do think
we're overworking the poor dear.

We just work him day and night.
All the rest of the time's his own.

You know, I think Morticia's right, Gomez.

There is an awful lot of work
around this house.

That boy ought to have help.

Very well then, he shall have help.

The best that money can buy.

You mean you're gonna hire him
an assistant?

Hire? In this age of automation?
I'm gonna build him one.

Fester? Meet me in the playroom.
And tell Pugsley to bring his Erector set.

- Right.
- Dr. Addams has work to do.

Darling, you always come up
with such practical solutions.

This'll be another Addams first.

I'll have the only custom-built
second butler in town.

Yeah. All the parts you wanted
are right here on the operating table.

Thank you, Fester.

I'm working on the mechanical brain,
Father.

I'm going to make him talk and everything.

- Good boy.
- And I got all your tools ready.

- Good man.
- Thank you, Gomez.

Well, have another look at the chart.

The knee bone's connected
to the thigh bone.

The thigh bone's connected
to the hip bone.

The hip bone's connected to the backbone.

Backbone connected to the neck bone.

- And the head bone's up on top.
- Good.

- Wrench.
- Wrench.

- Pliers.
- Pliers.

- Screwdriver.
- Screwdriver.

Delicious.

He sounds absolutely charming, Gomez.

I can hardly wait to meet him.
Where is he?

Just waiting for us to call him, my dear.
Pugsley, you may do the honors.

You rang?

Oh, he is splendid, Gomez.

And what a fine, intelligent face.

We taught him to obey spoken commands.

Yeah. So anything you want him to do,
you just tell him so.

Smiley, go over there and brush the ashes
off of Mr. Addams' coat.

Wow. Isn't he the efficient one?

- He can do everything Lurch can do.
- Maybe even better.

Not better.

Certainly not better, Lurch.

It's just that we know
you've been working so hard lately.

Mr. Addams thought
you might like some help.

Fester and Pugsley helped me
build him for you, Lurch.

This is Smiley, your assistant.

Assistant?

Pull the noose, Lurch.

You rang?

You see? With Smiley helping, you can
take things a little easier, relax a bit.

Not only that.
You'll no longer be a plain butler, Lurch.

Now, you'll be head butler.

Head butler.

- Well?
- Good.

Well, you chaps run off
and get acquainted.

Lurch here'll explain the work to you,
Smiley.

Follow me.

- Head butler first.
- Yes.

Sir.

Yes, sir.

Better.

Oh, dear Lurch.
He's so pleased with his new helper.

Always was a warm, friendly sort.

- Your turn again.
- Well, what's the score, Gomez?

I believe I'm ahead

712-to-1.

Hey, it's really close this time.

Darn, another near miss.

I just peeked into the kitchen

and saw Smiley
washing the dishes for Lurch.

Splendid. I hope his hands don't rust.

I think this is the beginning
of a whole new era around here.

I sure hated the old one.

With Smiley doing the menial tasks,

Lurch will be free
to do all those special favors we love so.

The things that only Lurch can do.

Nobody does a back scratch like Lurch.

It's those talons of his.

You rang?

My back itches, Lurch. You know the spot.

You rang?

Scratch.

The next time Gomez wants Smiley
to scratch his back,

he'd better wear armor.

Smiley is a bit overanxious,
but I think Lurch will train him.

There, good as new. Where's Gomez?

He's playing tug-of-war with Thing.

Those two have fun together, don't they?

Gomez, darling, be careful with him.

Give up, Thing? I have you now.

Better luck next time, Thing.

Think I'll teach Thing samurai.

Not getting much competition from Lurch.

Morticia, where's Lurch?

I suppose he's teaching Smiley
the household chores.

Why? Is something wrong, dear?

Well, my head needs waxing.

Oh, yes. It is beginning to get
a little scruffy and dull-Iooking.

You're right.

You rang?

Wax job for Uncle Fester's head, Lurch.

You rang?

Wax job, Uncle Fester's head.

Yes, sir.

I wanted Lurch to put it on.
He does it so nice and smooth.

Now, patience, Uncle Fester.
You must give Smiley a chance.

He's gotta learn to work
if he's gonna take the load off Lurch.

I don't mind him taking
the load off of Lurch,

but he's taking the skin off of me.

Busy with your art again, eh, my dear?

Yes. I'm doing a portrait
from one of our old snapshots.

Good old Cousin Crimp.

I'll never forget him. Or her, either.

They were such fun on a double date,
weren't they?

Mighty handy when we needed
a third or a fourth for bridge, too.

Well, you go on with your work.

I'm gonna take a little bounce
on the trampoline here.

Loosen up my muscles.

I love a man with loose muscles.

Alley-oop!

That nearly loosened my teeth.

You rang?

Would you mind tightening up
the trampoline, old man?

Seems to have lost its bounce.

Yes, Mr. Addams.

You rang?

Tighten, more bounce.

Yes, sir.

Very capable, Lurch.
Seems to be learning quickly.

Tightened.

Alley-oop!

Well, as long as I'm upstairs,
I think I'll lie down and take a nap.

Oh, I'll have to try that.

It can be tiring walking up those stairs.

There's mother's baby.

It was the worst breakfast I ever ate.

Lurch should be ashamed of himself.

Lurch didn't cook breakfast, Mama,
Smiley did. Lurch was much too tired.

Oh, the mail's in. Thank you, Mama.

And thank you, Thing.

- Darling.
- Thank you, my dear.

Occupant, occupant, occupant.

Dear, do we know anyone
named occupant?

We're always getting mail
for those people. Send it back.

Say, here's interesting news.
Says national fitness week begins today.

How nice.

I think I'll start with one of those
invigorating rubdowns

Lurch used to give me.

Oh, that would be nice for you, dear.
Relax you and improve your muscle tone.

Yes, I need it. My muscle tone is terrible.

Yes, it is.
Perhaps Lurch can get you back in tune.

You rang?

A rubdown, Lurch.
Meet you in the playroom.

Yes, Mr. Addams.

You mean he sent Smiley
to give you a massage?

I think it was the straw
that broke the camel's back.

Better make that my back.

I'm wondering if Smiley
wasn't a big mistake.

But he's such a perfect dear.

He's ruining a good butler.
Can't get a lick of work out of Lurch now.

He has the robot doing everything.

Oh, darling, Lurch is just going through
a phase. He'll get over it.

He will, but I won't.

After all, dear, you did build Smiley
so that Lurch could take it easy.

Tish! French! Speak some more.

Darling. Lurch now, "ooh-la-la" later.

Later.

- Where were we?
- Lurch.

Oh, yes, Lurch.

You're right.
I've been unreasonable about him.

From now on, I'll insist that he relax
and enjoy himself.

Good. He's such a shy, sensitive soul.

I'm sure if he thought
you were displeased,

he'd be miserable.

Probably off somewhere now,
worrying himself sick.

- You rang?
- Going for a walk.

- Get my good suit.
- Yes, sir.

Darling, why don't you call poor Lurch
and reassure him?

Capital idea.

Smiley, shoes.

I've been yanking on this bell
for 20 minutes.

Why doesn't Lurch answer?

You want me to go up to his room
and see if he's dead or something?

If he's resting we shouldn't disturb him,
and if he's dead there's no point to it.

Irrefutable logic, my dear.

- Oh, Lurch, how nice you look.
- You going for a stroll, old man?

My constitutional.

Excellent idea. You look better already.

Keep it up, Lurch.

Don't worry about a thing,
we're getting along fine.

Better than ever.

Than ever?

Back soon.

There's no need to hurry.
Stay out as long as you like.

Have yourself a good dinner downtown
and see a nice movie,

Dracula and the Wolfman.
Have yourself a few laughs.

Yes, do. We really don't need you at all.

Don't need me?

- Not a bit.
- That Smiley is terrific.

Now, you run along and have some fun.

Changed mind. Work.

- Querida.
- Darling.

Oh, my favorite flowers.

Nothing is quite as festive
as a vase of chrysanthemums.

The blooms are so large this year.

Superb.
You were born with a green thumb.

Really? Must have been very attractive.

I'm sorry we couldn't talk Lurch
into taking the evening off.

We must insist on it.

Told Smiley to keep these cigars lighted.

- You rang.
- You rang.

A light, Smiley.

I was addressing Smiley, Lurch.
You've been working too hard.

Relax, get some rest.
Smiley'll take care of the work.

Thank you, Smiley.

- Consolidated just hit 175.
- Really? What did you pay for it, dear?

Two hundred and seventy-five.
It's the best I've done all year.

How exciting.

Darling, would you move my chair
over here? I'd like to watch you.

- You rang.
- You rang.

I rang for Smiley, Lurch.

Smiley, will you move Mrs. Addams' chair
over here, please?

Yes, sir.

That will be all, Lurch.

Yes, Mrs. Addams.

You're to go upstairs and lie down
and take a nap. Do you understand?

Who'll cook dinner?

Smiley will cook dinner this evening.
Now, you're to take a long rest.

And don't come back until we call for you.

And, Lurch, that's an order.

Bravo, Gomez. You're a born saboteur.

It was all right.

Darling, you always love a good,
crunching wreck.

Is something wrong?

Well, I have a little indigestion.

Smiley's dinner wasn't quite up to snuff.

Yes, he isn't half the cook Lurch is.

That roast aardvark
was rather disappointing.

It didn't even look good.

Can you imagine, a roast aardvark
without an apple in its mouth?

It's like...
It's like a martini without the egg.

Oh, darling, please.

I know what you need. Why don't you
have a go at your sword swallowing.

That always settles your stomach.

I give up.

Now, now, darling,
you must learn to be a good loser.

I'm winning.

But it's no fun.
Smiley can't cheat like Lurch.

I taught Lurch
everything he knows about cheating.

Now, darling, nobody's perfect.
Smiley's doing his best.

Right. I'm sure we can all put up with
a little inconvenience for Lurch's sake.

Is he still resting?

He's been up in that room for

three hours now. Calm, relaxed...

Finally at peace with himself.

Smiley wants my job.

They like him best.

Pile of tin junk!

It's unfair.

Thank you, Thing.

I'm through.

Finished.

What can I do?

You're a real friend, Thing.

Gung ho, my lord and master.

Samurai time again, darling?

Yes, but it won't be much fun
without Lurch.

But he has to get his rest.
I'll teach Smiley.

Smiley!

You rang?

No, Smiley, I called.

I'm gonna make an ancient Japanese
warrior out of you, Smiley.

- First thing I want you to do...
- No!

Follow me.

Isn't that sweet?

I don't think Lurch is jealous
of Smiley anymore.

He probably wants to play with him.

Well, this house always has bred peace
and harmony.

- What was that noise all about?
- And where's Smiley?

Resigned.

Well, Gomez darling, it's been a long day.
I think I'll go upstairs to bed.

Be right up, my dear.
One more round on the trampoline

and it's beddy-bye.

Don't be long, darling.

Oh, Lurch, look at this thing.
It needs tightening again.

Yes, Mr. Addams.

Good thing Smiley's
not tightening that for you.

You almost went into orbit
after he fixed it.

Well, Smiley was only a robot, Fester.

When something needs
a really delicate adjustment,

Lurch is the only one I trust with it.

Thank you, Mr. Addams.

- Fixed.
- Thank you, Lurch.

Alley-oop.

Gomez...

Yes, the trampoline.

Well, darling, as you always say,

- this is the age of automation.
- Querida.