The Addams Family (1964–1966): Season 2, Episode 1 - My Fair Cousin Itt - full transcript

To cap off Wednesday's upcoming birthday, Gomez "Tennessee" Addams has written a play - Claude & Mable (which comes out quite exactly like Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet). To make sure his play is a big success, Gomez hires acclaimed Broadway director Eric Von Bissell to direct it. Von Bissel's career has been on the skids of late, so Gomez' money is quite appealing even though the rest of the project isn't; still, Von Bissell's pride and artistic reputation are threatened when he learns that Cousin Itt, with his gibber talk, will play the lead. Morticia takes Itt aside to work on lowering and slowing his voice for the average ear, but when she succeeds she finds Itt's personality has changed along with his voice. Now he's a theatrical snob of the worst sort - too good for the lead in Wednesday's birthday play.

(FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

MAN: Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.



♪ So get a witch's shawl on

♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

Wonderful, darling.
Such precision.

It's not easy.

Terrific.

I wish that doctor
could see him now.

Doctor?

You know, the one that said
our family was unbalanced.

Gomez has got plenty of balance.

Just takes practice.

As soon as I get a little more
practice, then I'll unhook it.

Well, Lurch, you
may take it down now.



I hope you have it perfected
by Wednesday's birthday.

We have plenty of
surprises for Wednesday.

For one thing, we're
going to put on a play.

A new drama by that
great new dramatist,

Tennessee Addams.

And we're all going to be in it.

Oh.

Come with me to the casbah.

Heathcliff, where are you?

Lady Chatterley, I love you.

(ITT CHATTERING)

By george, this house is a
veritable cesspool of talent.

Wednesday will be so thrilled.

Gomez, what's the play about?

Well, it's a most unusual plot.

There's this young
couple, Claude and Mabel.

And they're in love.

But their families are feuding

and they refuse to let the
young lovers get married.

How delightfully tragic.

Thank you, my dear.

Well, there's no use
telling you the rest.

We'll have a play read.

Places, please. Lurch,
a little mood music.

(SNAPPING)

"And then he takes poison,

"and then she takes poison.

"And they both die
happily ever after."

(PLAYING ADDAMS FAMILY THEME)

Oh, what a lovely finish, Gomez.

Real togetherness.

Quite a twist, eh?

Well, now for the casting.

Morticia, of course,
will play the girl.

Mama will play
her mother. Fester...

(ITT CHATTERING)

Of course we want
you in it, Cousin Itt.

What would the
play be without you?

I just want to find
the right part for you.

Hey, Gomez, if you put this to
music, he could play a Beatle.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

In fact, all four of them.

You need any singers?

No.

(CHATTERING)

No, there's no part
for a sheepdog, either.

(CHATTERING)

Don't say that, Cousin Itt.

You are not useless
and good for nothing.

You most certainly
are good for something.

We just don't know what it is.

Gomez, darling,

Cousin Itt's inferiority complex

is getting worse all the time.

I have it.

Cousin Itt, you are
going to be the star

of our new play.
The hero, Claude.

(CHATTERING)

I think I'm allergic
to you. Here.

(CHATTERING)

You do? Isn't that amazing?

He knows the part after
only hearing it read once.

Now, let's see. We'll start with
the love scene at the top of Act Two.

Claude, the hero, is looking up

at Mabel's balcony, and says...

(CHATTERING)

Marvelous. What
feeling, what emotion.

Such passion, such
depth of feeling.

Querida, play the
scene with him.

At the top of the
balcony, go on.

There, Act Two.

Oh, thank you.

"We must flee, my love.

"If my father catches you here,

"he will shoot you, kill you,
and break your glasses."

(CHATTERING)

Wait a minute. You
changed one of my lines.

(CHATTERING)

That's different.

Are you sure this part
doesn't call for a taller man?

Someone like me.

No, Cousin Itt is perfection.

But Uncle Fester, you
could be the understudy.

You mean, if something
happens to him,

like if he gets clobbered,

I could play Claude?

Of course.

Uh-huh.

Itt.

Let's go down to the playroom.

We can rehearse together.

Lurch, you can be
the second understudy.

(GROANING)

That means if Cousin
Itt can't make it,

and something happens to
Uncle Fester, you play Claude.

(GROANING)

Darling, I'm so happy.

I think Cousin Itt has
finally found himself.

That isn't easy
under all that hair.

To make sure the
play is a success,

I'm going to hire
a big director.

Where will you
find a big director?

In the directory, where else?

And I, Eric Von Bissell,
will make the decisions.

Remember that, Bennie.

I am the director.
You are only my agent.

Okay, okay. Only
just don't blow the job.

How come this guy
Addams to call you, anyhow?

Probably remembered some of
my more distinguished pictures.

Pretty good memory.

When was your last one? 1932?

Never mind that.

Addams says he has a
great play and a great cast.

This could be the start
of an entirely new career.

(FOGHORN SOUNDING)

Fine start.

I do not direct
home-talent plays.

Oh, what he means is that
his fee is too high, Mr. Addams.

50 G's.

I'll do better than that.
I'll give him 50 thousand.

Dollars? Dollars?

I think there's $60,000 there.

You can keep the change.

Well, money isn't everything.

My talent, my reputation.

Excuse us just a moment, please.

Come with me.

What do you think, my dear?

Don't worry, darling.

When they read your
play, they'll be dying to do it.

(CHATTERING FRANTICALLY)

Was Cousin Itt yelling for help?

That's the scene
from the third act,

when Mabel's father is
after him with a sword.

My, he certainly makes
it sound convincing.

Well, he really
puts feeling into it.

Excuse me, my dear.

Mr. Addams, my client has decided to
do your play, after thinking it all over.

I knew you'd come
around, old man.

Of course, this living room
is hardly a Broadway theatre.

By george, you're right, this
play should be on Broadway.

What?

Wednesday's party will
serve as an out-of-town tryout.

That does it. Get
another director.

Think of the challenge. No.

Think of the prestige.
(YELLING) No.

Think of the money.

I do it.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

You rang?

Call Cousin Itt,
will you, Lurch?

Gone.

Nonsense. Have
Fester help you find him.

Gone, too.

Gone?

But who'll play Claude?

Me.

Something is rotten in Denmark.

(BOX CREAKING)

Not in Denmark. In the playroom.

Gomez, the old chest.
Quick, open it up.

Great Scott!

(CHATTERING)

I know you're shy, Cousin
Itt, but this is ridiculous.

(CHATTERING)

Uncle Fester? How shocking.

FESTER: Help! Get
me out of here! Help.

Gomez, darling.

Get me out of here.

Uncle Fester, how could
you do that to Cousin Itt?

Him? What about me?

Somebody grabbed me from behind

and threw me in
there and locked me up

before I knew what
was happening!

I think I'm beginning
to understand.

Come out, Lurch.

There will be no more of this.

If anything happens to
Cousin Itt the play is off.

Come. Come along, Itt.

(CHATTERING)

Well?

Oh, stop worrying
about your reputation.

Nobody's going to see
this crummy play anyhow.

That's right. Put it
on and run like a thief.

Gentlemen, the moment
you've all been waiting for.

We give you our
star, Cousin Itt.

What is that?

That's Cousin Itt,
our leading man.

Really a new face, eh?

New face?

I don't see no face at all.

I am a director. Not a barber.

Von B.

But a true artist
overcomes all obstacles.

Oh, Gomez, darling, I do so
adore temperamental artists.

Thank you, darling.

Well, all right, let's run
through the opening scene now.

Mrs. Addams, will you
please stand over there?

You and that.

Now, you're madly
in love, but your father

has forbidden you to marry him.

And so you are telling Claude.

Go.

"Darling Claude,

"my father has
forbidden our nuptials."

(CHATTERING)

Stop it! Stop it!

Is something wrong?

"Something wrong"?

(IMITATING ITT)

Terrible!

Sounded fine to me.

Oh, that's impossible.

I will not work
with such insanity!

Please. Cousin
Itt is very sensitive.

Where'd he go?

Where any sensitive artist would
go when his feelings are wounded.

Up the chimney.

Come down, Cousin
Itt. He didn't mean it.

(ITT CHATTERING)

Oh, dear, now see
what you've done.

He likes it up there.

Think of your
career, your public...

Well, anyway, it
was a soft answer.

Please tell him you're sorry.

Sorry for what?

60,000 bucks.

Say it again.

60,000 bucks.

He looks like a raccoon
and talks like a gopher,

but he has possibilities.

Thank you.

Cousin Itt, did you hear that?

(ITT CHATTERING)

Oh, Itt!

I knew you wouldn't let a
little clash of temperament

wreck a great work of art.

Come on.

Gomez.

Mr. Von Bissell
may have a point.

I do think Itt's voice is a bit
too fast for the average listener.

I never noticed that.

Yes, I noticed it in
that last scene we did.

Perhaps we'd best take
him down to the playroom

and work on his voice.

Bring out that fine timbre.

Great idea, but we'll have
to watch out for splinters.

Now, let's try it once
more, Cousin Itt.

And slowly.

"The rain in Spain

"stays mainly on the plain."

(CHATTERING RAPIDLY)

No, no, no.

Slower, Cousin Itt, much slower.

Let's bring out those
nice pear-shaped tones.

Querida.

Excuse me.

Maybe he'd give us
pear-shaped tones,

if we gave him a
pear-shaped head.

That's a brilliant
idea. Let's try it.

Oh, not too much, dear,
just a nice pear shape.

(GRUNTING)

There. That ought to do it.

Now. "The rain in Spain

"stays mainly on the plain."

(CHATTERING RAPIDLY)

Oh, dear, it's not a bit better.

No wonder. I got the
wrong end of him in here.

(CHATTERING)

His voice is much too high.

I wish we could lower it.

Maybe we should
drop him down a well.

(CHATTERING)

Sorry, it was only a suggestion.

Gomez, darling, I do
remember reading somewhere

where if you put
marbles in your mouth,

it gives you nice round tones.

You're right, querida. Use mine.

Here, Cousin Itt. Put
these in your mouth.

Now, let's try it again.

"The rain in..."

(CHATTERING RAPIDLY)

(GLASS CRUNCHING)

They're delicious?

But you're not
supposed to eat them.

Cousin Itt, they were
my good dibbies!

I won them off of Pugsley.

Really, Cousin Itt. Now, here.

No, no, no.

Oh, no, darling, it's all right.

Here, just put these in
your mouth, and hold them.

Let's try a new phrase.

"The witch's ditch is
mainly full of pitch." Yes.

"The witch's ditch is
mainly full of pitch."

(CHATTERING)

(IN DEEP VOICE)
"ditch is mainly full of..."

(CHATTERING)

By Jove, I think he's got it.

No, now try it
again, nice and easy.

"The witch's ditch
is mainly full of..."

(CHATTERING)

Again.

"The witch's ditch is
mainly full of pitch."

He has got it.

"The witch's ditch is
mainly full of pitch!"

GOMEZ AND MORTICIA: "The
witch's ditch is mainly full of pitch."

"The witch's ditch is
mainly full of pitch."

"If you love me, gentle Claude,

"I pray thee, tell me so."

Itt, we're waiting.

What's the getup for?

If you go Hollywood,
go all the way.

Which one is their cousin?

Maybe both of them.

Cue again.

"I pray thee, tell me so."

"Lady, by yonder
blessed moon..."

Pardon me.

You may go out and
play, Throckmorton.

"Lady, by yonder
blessed moon I swear,

"that tips with silver
all these dead treetops,

"while vultures
croak in ecstasy,

"I dare to love thee, ere
my head your father chops."

Bravo! Bravo!

Von Bissell, a star is born.

It's a miracle.

It'll take more than a miracle.

But I'll try.

Good.

Fester, get the cast together.

All right, everybody. On stage.

Come on, Itt, over there.

Really, old man, you're not
addressing a peasant, you know.

You're speaking to the star.

I shall inform you
when I'm ready.

"Soft! What light through
yonder window breaks..."

If the play is a success
he'll be absolutely impossible.

Isn't that wonderful?

Well, I think I'll
go fix my makeup.

Querida, use that baking
powder number four.

It looks absolutely
magnificent on you.

Bubele.

That word.

Darling, please.

Bissell now, bubele later.

Ah, yes.

And to think that
I once directed

for a producer like Sam Derrick.

Sam Derrick!

By Jove, there's
a real producer.

I can see it now.

Derrick producing,
you directing. Sure hit.

I'll have my office draw up a
contract and get him over here.

Oh, no! Please.

Oh, that would ruin me.

Thank you, Thing.
Hello, Addams here.

I want you to get Sam Derrick,

the big producer,
over here immediately.

Fine.

He'll be here tomorrow.

Von Bissell? Bennie?

Then they just ran out
the door and disappeared.

Just as well. I was going
to dismiss the old boy.

Dismiss Von Bissell?

He tended to limit
my artistic capabilities.

(GROANING)

What do you mean by that, Lurch?

Just... (GROANING)

That's quite enough.
You may go to your room.

I simply can't abide insolence.

Dear, we've never had
this sort of ill-feeling before.

That's true, Itt.

Besides, Lurch is much more
than a servant around here.

And I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to ask you to...

WEDNESDAY: Mommy, Daddy.

Hello, Wednesday,
darling, welcome home.

Did you enjoy school?

Pugsley flunked spelling again.

A real Addams.

I didn't flunk anything.

I was too excited
about my birthday play.

I'm sorry, child, you'll have
to forget about the play.

Forget about it?

I have no time for
that sort of foolishness.

I've decided to do Hamlet
for Mr. Derrick tomorrow.

"It's a far, far
better thing..."

No, that was Dickens.

We'd better get
some hair remover

and see if that's
really Itt under there.

Darling, you run along and play.

Everything is
going to be all right.

Oh, it's all my fault, Gomez.

When I changed his voice, I
changed his whole personality.

Oh, it's not your
fault, it's just...

It's just... Well, come to
think of it, it is your fault.

If we could only get his
sweet voice back again.

I know he'd be his dear self.

Morticia.

These may help you
get through to him.

Oh, yes. Thank you, dear.

So now I realize what
a mistake it all was.

A mistake?

Yes, with your new voice,

you sound just
like any other actor.

Mr. Derrick wants
something new and different.

You may have a point there.

And your old voice
was wonderful.

We must get it back.

It was so original,
so different.

That's true.

I'm so glad you have
an open mind about it.

Well, we might just
as well start now.

Now, repeat after me.

(IMITATING ITT CHATTERING)

"The rain in Spain stays
mainly on the plain."

No, speed it up,
Cousin Itt, speed it up.

Now let's try a
different phrase.

(CHATTERING)

Now, try that, very quickly.

"The bats in hats stay
mainly on the flats."

Rather silly expression,
don't you think?

Please let's try to
concentrate, Cousin Itt.

We must get your old voice back.

Now.

(CHATTERING)

I'm sorry, my dear, but it
simply won't come out that way.

If you'll excuse
me, I must rehearse.

Big day tomorrow, you know.

"Alas, poor Yorick! I
knew him, Horatio."

"To be, or not to be,
that is the question."

(GRUNTING)

Poor Wednesday, she's so upset

because Cousin
Itt won't do the play.

Itt will be on his way
to Broadway tonight.

I kind of hate to
see the little pest go.

Mr. Derrick.

How do you do?

I'm told you have an
actor you want me to meet.

Well, I am a very busy man.

"To be, or not to be,
that is the question.

"Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind to suffer

"the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune,

"or to take arms against a sea of
troubles, and by opposing end them?"

Amazing. Incredible!

We leave for Hollywood tonight.

Hollywood?

But I thought Broadway
was in New York.

Madam, I am on my way out
to Hollywood to do a picture.

The Hairy Beast
from the Mars Canals.

And he'll be perfect
in the title role.

And we'll play it
with no makeup.

The Hairy Beast of...

Me? Play the... Why, you...

(CHATTERING RAPIDLY)

Lurch!

(CHATTERING)

Follow me.

(STAMMERING) But...

Good old Cousin Itt.

He's his own sweet self again.

(CHATTERING)

Pugsley and I just
traded dynamite caps.

Shh.

Uncle Fester, Gomez
is writing a new play.

"If you prick us,
do we not bleed?

"If you tickle us,
do we not laugh?

"If you poison
us, do we not die?

"If you wrong us,
shall we not "revenge?"

Wonderful, darling,
sounds so original.

Mmm?

Oh, oh, thank you.

You should hear the big scene.

This character, Charlie, can't
pay back the $20 he owes.

This other fellow, Pete,
demands a pound of flesh.

$20 for a pound of flesh?

Sounds fine to me.

It does?

Yeah, you should
go in the butcher shop

and see the prices
they're getting.

That's true.

Well, enough work for tonight.

To bed, querida, to bed.

Yes. To bed, darling.