The Addams Family (1964–1966): Season 1, Episode 7 - Halloween with the Addams Family - full transcript

♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

♪ So get a witch's shawl on



♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

The mail's in.

Never mind, Lurch, I'll get it.

My new carving knife.

Nice knife. Can I
play autopsy with it?

Well, darling,
autopsy's a fine game.

But this is for
carving works of art.

Well, either I've got tough hair
or this knife needs sharpening.

There, darling, I think
it's sharp enough now.

Lovely, Morticia. Querida mia.

Hurry up, Gomez.

Are you getting
tired, Uncle Fester?



No, I like to pose.
It's so artistic.

Good. I want to
get the inner you.

Not with that.

Well, that's just for carving.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Not for carving you,
for carving your likeness.

Oh.

Now, let's see a little more
of the Addams character.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Mmm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

Yes.

Now, a little more to the right.

More.

Keep going.

Excellent.

Are you sure you're getting
enough of my personality?

Try it in reverse.

Back up a little.

Keep going.

Perfect.

Yes, but are you sure
you're getting the real me?

You're right. Let's have the
real, the true, the unadorned you.

Beautiful.

And now for immortality.

Don't move, don't
look, don't even breathe.

Don't worry, I'll... Don't!

That's it. Hold it.

By Jove, I think I've done it.

Why, Gomez, you're the
Michelangelo of Halloween pumpkins.

How do you like it so far?

Darling, you have the soul of an
artist and the touch of a surgeon.

Halloween always inspires me.

Are you looking
forward to the guests

who might come in
tonight for trick-or-treat?

Oh, yes.

And the children are so
excited about going out.

Good.

I'd better see to the
punch and cookies.

Always the perfect hostess.

Give us the smile.

Ah, Lurch, I see you
have the bowl ready.

Yes, Mrs. Addams.

I think I'll start the punch
and let it mellow for a while.

You may fix the
sandwiches, Lurch.

Very good, Mrs. Addams.

Hmm, divine.

Thank you, Thing.

Gomez!

Morticia! Yes?

Wednesday and Pugsley are
all dressed up for trick-or-treat.

Well, bring them
down, bring them down.

Hear the siren?

That's a police siren.

Oh, great, the
tank's dry as a bone.

Listen, next time we pull
a stickup will you get gas?

All right, all right, I forgot.

Yeah, and you dropped
your gun in the getaway.

Boy, this sure ain't your night.

Come on, let's get out of
here before the cops spot us.

And I'll take the loot.

I don't want you to forget it.

I know, you're
always mad, Marty.

Hey, the whole
area's heating up.

We've gotta take
cover someplace.

In there, quiet,
behind that tree.

Okay.

Hey, hey.

I could've sworn
that gate was closed.

Man, you're beginning
to give me the creeps.

Come on.

What's the idea?

Why'd you slam it so hard?

I was gonna ask
you the same thing.

How do we look?

Mama, these are far too...

I agree, Gomez, they're
much too startling.

They'll scare the
wits out of people.

Yes. When you knock on
neighbors' doors, you'd better say,

"Do not be alarmed. We
are only little children."

Can we go now?

As soon as your father
finishes the jack-o'-lantern.

Ah.

How do you like it?

Thinks it looks
like Uncle Fester?

Better!

Good eye. A true Addams.

This joint gives me the willies.

Will you get off it? It's probably the
house of some sweet little old lady.

Now, children, are we
ready for trick-or-treat?

We're ready, Father.

Yeah, let's go.

Fine. Now, these are to
hold all the goodies you'll get.

I've got mine.

All right, Mama, we'll
escort our little goblins

on their Halloween rounds.

There's somebody coming, Marty.

Yeah, I hear.

Will you put the mask away?

I don't want them
to recognize us.

Look, Father, we have visitors.

That man has a mask.

They must be trick-or-treating.

Yes, yes, of course.

Don't come any closer.

Mama, you must be right.

Better make your
speech, children.

Do not be alarmed.
Do not be alarmed.

We are only little children.
We are only little children.

We're on our way to
play trick-or-treat, too.

Yeah, we're out
for Halloween, too.

A perfect night for Halloween.

You must come in
and celebrate with us.

Uh, sorry, we got other plans.

Um, on second thought, we'll,
we'll take you up on that offer.

Splendid.

Mama, I'll leave the children
in your capable hands.

Don't keep them out too late.

Just long enough
to fill up our bags.

Goodbye, Father.

Morticia, our first
guests have arrived.

This is my wife.
Morticia, this is...

How ridiculous!

I forgot to ask your names.

Look, Mac, if you're
thinking you're going to be...

I'm Marty and he's Claude.

Welcome to our home.

Hey, that's quite an
outfit you got on, lady.

Thank you. I always wear
this one for Halloween.

Looks real good for Halloween.

We always try to get our home
in the Halloween mood, too.

Yeah, you sure do.

I heard voices, Gomez.

Who is it? Do we have guests?

Indeed we have, Uncle Fester.

This is Marty and Claude.

Pleased to meet you.

You... You folks sure don't
hold back on Halloween.

It's our favorite holiday.

And this is our butler, Lurch.

Pal, you top 'em all.

Oh, yes, Lurch is tops.

Most efficient, too.

I forgot to light the pumpkin.

It looks just like
me. Excuse me.

Gentlemen, come over
here and I'll give you a treat.

Open your bag.

Oh, don't start
getting cute, mister.

Now, now, there's
nothing to be ashamed of.

I think it's rather heartwarming

that adults get in
the Halloween spirit.

Yeah, but just
the same, I ain't...

I told you he was efficient.

Excuse me, Lurch.

Why, you dirty...

Take it easy, Marty.
Let's see what happens.

It's full of money.

Okay, pal, you had your look.

Now just hand it over.

Morticia, our neighbors
have given these gentlemen

hundreds of dollars
in trick-or-treat.

Makes one proud to live
in such a neighborhood.

And I was going
to give you apples.

My apologies, gentlemen.

There, that's better.
Happy Halloween.

Uh, would you
excuse us a minute?

Of course. Go right
ahead, gentlemen.

Did you see what I saw?

Yeah, a drawer full of loot.

Yeah, and the mask
the big guy's got on.

We ought to wear something
like that the next time we pull a job.

I'm gonna find
out where he got it.

Uh, friend, we've been
admiring the mask.

Mind telling us
where it come from?

It is mine.

Yeah, I know, but where did...

He's for real.

They're all for real.

Must you go?

We better, we better.

Just when things were
beginning to perk up.

Can't you stay a bit longer?

Uh, not this season, lady.

Well, since you
treated us so nice,

I guess we'll stick
around for a while.

Capital!

We'll celebrate
in the old tradition.

I'll see to the punch.

I shall help you, my dear. Oh.

Fester, get the Halloween
poems from the library.

Lurch, you get the tub
ready for the bobbing game.

You gentlemen make
yourselves at home.

The cops sounded like
they were right outside.

Yeah, guess we better
stay put for a while.

And as long as we gotta stay,

we may as well
make the most of it.

Okay. I'm kind of hungry.

Not the food, stupid.

You saw that
drawer full of money.

They probably got
a lot of jewelry, too.

We'll clean them out,
and then we'll scram

when the coast is clear.

I'm with you, pal.

I do think our guests
are charming, don't you?

Yes, especially the
one with the scar.

He reminds me of Rupert Styx.

He has the same
beautiful, beady eyes.

I thought we'd agreed, Morticia,

never to mention the
name of Rupert Styx again.

Gomez, darling,
you're not still jealous?

You were engaged to him.

Oh, well, I was just
a silly young girl then.

I was fascinated by
his long fingernails

and the way his lip
curled when he smiled.

He was a handsome devil.

Morticia, please never
mention his name again.

I promise, bubele.

Querida mia.

When we're together, darling,
every night is Halloween.

Ah, the punch is ready.

It's locked. We gotta get a key.

We may have to
rough 'em up a little.

Yeah, well, that's
my department.

You just watch.

It's a good thing one
of us is all there tonight.

Hey. Here they come.

We take 'em.

Okay, folks, this is a stickup.

I'm so sorry the
children aren't here.

They'd be so amused.

Let's not rush the food.

The punch is ready but first Gomez
will read us a Halloween poem.

Here's the poem, Gomez.

Thank you, Uncle Fester.

It's our favorite.

No Halloween would seem
quite complete without it.

Won't you gentlemen
please be seated?

Poem? We'd be
better off in jail.

Shut up!

I'll fix the lights.

It'll put us in the proper mood.

Lurch! To the harpsichord.

"It was Halloween evening
and through the abode

"Not a creature was
stirring, not even a toad

"Jack-o'-lanterns are hung
on the gallows with care

"To guide sister witch as
she flies through the air"

Drawn by eight beautiful bats.

"And she calls out to them

"Come Flitter, come Flutter
Come Flapper and Flyer

"Come Chitter, come Chatter,
Come Vicious Vampire"

Oh, excuse me.

Is something wrong?

Good heavens!

What in the world
brought that on?

It's obvious. They
just don't like poetry.

Ah, gentlemen, I'm so
glad you decided to stay.

You are staying, aren't you?

Uh, if you say so.

We, we, we like you folks.

Wonderful. Now we'll
have some real fun.

Yes, we're going to play an
old-fashioned Halloween game.

Game?

Yes, a bobbing game.

Please, if you don't mind, we'll just sit
here quiet for a while and then scram.

No, you must play.

Okay, okay, if you say so.

Sure.

We used to play the
game. Marty, you remember.

Oh, yeah, that's where everybody kneels
around a tub and bobs for the apples.

Apples? Apples?

Well, what do you bob for?

Look, Marty.

We call it bobbing for the crab.

A real challenge.

Yeah, but that crab's alive.

And full of snap, too.

That's the challenge.

Great sport.

I'll go first.

Uncle Fester, no.

That honor belongs
to our guests.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
You go ahead, pal.

No, I was rude.

Oh, we like rudeness.

Please, we insist.

After you, Claude.

No, be my guest.

I'll get it. It's probably
some more trick-or-treaters.

Darling, ask them in.

I just love Halloween.

Well, now, those are
interesting costumes.

These are not costumes.
We're police officers.

Oh, well, come in.

Just checking the neighborhood.

Everything all right here?

Oh, yes, fine.

We're just getting into the
Halloween spirit. Care to join us?

Uh, no, thanks,
we're on a manhunt.

Nice night for it.

You won, you won.

Both won.

Ole, ole.

Please get it off.

Get it off!

Isn't that absolutely amazing?

Would you like to try it again?

Try it again? I'd
rather wrestle a lion.

Would you? Wonderful.

Kitty? Here Kitty, Kitty.

No! No!

Poor Kitty. Just
terrified of people.

Well, it's my turn now.

Cops or no cops, we'd better
blow before we get killed.

But it bugs me to leave
all that loot in the drawer.

They wanna play games,
we'll play 'em a game.

A game that'll get us the loot.

Look, money isn't everything.

It's enough.

Hey, folks. Claude and I
got a game we wanna play.

It's called hide-and-seek.

Hide-and-seek?

Sounds rather mild
compared to bobbing for crabs.

Uh, it'll fool you.

Goody. Let's try it.

I'm not having
much luck down here.

Well, Claude and I'll be "it," see,
and everybody else scrams and hides.

Then what happens?

We find you.

Yes?

Then we hide.

And you find us.

Yes?

That's it.

Excuse us for a moment.

My dear, I think we
made a terrible mistake

inviting those two men in.

You do? Hide-and-seek?

Well, I'll admit it
is a bit eccentric.

And they are rather strange.

But, after all, they're
guests in our home.

You're right.
Addams hospitality.

You're ready? Ready.

Okay, now everybody
hides and we'll count to ten.

Pal, we're ready.

Goody. I love games.

You, too.

Okay, here we go.

One, two, three,
four, five, six...

Knock it off. Get
the drawer open.

Hurry up! Okay, okay.

Oh, boy.

I can't wait to
get out that door.

Okay. Come on.

Okay.

This loot will pay us back for
all the trouble we went through.

It's locked! Now what?

Break the window.

Did you, did you, did you...

Let's get out of here!

They're not seeking very hard.

Strange game.

They must want us to win.

Very sporting.

Now, two of them went in there
and the big guy's back there.

This way.

Let's go.

What's the matter with them?

Well, they ask us to hide
and then they just run off.

Couple of oddballs.

They'll be all right. Look.

Those nice policemen are
helping them into their squad car.

Probably going to
give them a lift home.

Darling, did you pay your
dues to the Zen-Yogi society?

My dear, I'm a paid-up member.

This is their latest position.

Oh.

Are you comfortable?

Don't I look it?

Of course.

Is there anything new
in the paper tonight?

Oh, nothing much.

A revolution in South America,

a war in Asia, a flood...

Oh, here's something.

It says our friends, Marty and
Claude, were sent up the river.

Good. They needed a vacation.