The Addams Family (1964–1966): Season 1, Episode 34 - The Winning of Morticia Addams - full transcript
A magazine article by eminent psychologist Dr. Francois Chalon has Uncle Fester believing that the happiness of Morticia and Gomez' marriage masks seething emotions buried deep, so Fester makes it his duty, for family peace and harmony, to get them fighting so they can let off emotional steam and become a truly happy couple. He recruits others in the family to this end but winds up with little to show for it. Finally, Fester calls in Dr. Chalon himself, but the eminent doctor proves to be a modern day Casanova, bringing different problems into the Addams home by wooing Morticia and preparing to kill Gomez in a duel for her hand.
♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky
♪ Mysterious and spooky
♪ They're altogether ooky
♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum
♪ When people come to see 'em
♪ They really are a scream
♪ The Addams family
Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
♪ So get a witch's shawl on
♪ A broomstick you can crawl on
♪ We're gonna pay a call on
♪ The Addams family ♪
It's all very simple, children.
All you need is 20/20 vision,
nerves of steel, and
absolutely perfect coordination.
Like this.
You also need an
indomitable spirit.
That's the safe way
to make a basket.
Once more.
Oh, that was a
nice toss, darling.
Thank you.
Thank you, Lurch.
Querida! Perfect.
Exactly the way I taught you.
And that's the way I
want you to do it, too.
Children, we'll have
another lesson tomorrow.
You're a good teacher.
Thank you, Father.
Cara mia, stop right there.
Oh, but darling, I must take
this plant down to the playroom.
I don't see a plant.
I see a rare flower.
You.
My lovely black orchid.
Oh, Gomez, darling.
Your Castilian blood courses
through your veins so gloriously.
Oh, that's terrible.
Morticia doesn't
seem to think so.
No, I'm talking
about this article.
"The Danger of a Happy
Marriage" by Dr. Francois Chalon,
the eminent psychologist.
Danger? In a happy marriage?
You bet.
This fellow says that, "Married
couples who seem ideally mated
"and perfectly attuned
"are really miserable,
emotional messes underneath."
Well, the poor things.
Not everyone can be as
fortunate as we, cara mia.
Music, Lurch, to underscore
this magic moment.
You just oughtta read this.
This Dr. Chalon is
tops in his profession.
He says that couples who fight
like cats and dogs are
really the happy ones.
Happy, cara mia?
Ecstatic, cavaliere mio.
You are sick, sick, sick.
Darling, I'm worried.
Do you think there could be
anything wrong with our marriage?
I couldn't be happier.
Querida, if our
marriage is shaky,
I want to keep it
shaking for all eternity.
Your knight in shining armor
will defend it against the world.
Oh, darling, something
I've always wanted.
An indoor waterfall.
You're so ingenious.
That's true.
Well, off to the
Zen-Yogi society.
We're doing our latest
position, the spread eagle.
On the floor?
Midair.
Have fun.
I forgot my glasses.
Who did that?
Gomez.
Deliberately?
We were talking
about our marriage
and suddenly he picked
up the spear and flung it.
A-ha!
You had a fight.
Congratulations.
Nonsense, Uncle Fester.
We've never been happier.
You poor, misguided soul.
But... Please,
you'll make me cry.
Come on, Lurch. Tighter.
I just gotta get rid of
this headache of mine.
Oh, forget it.
I'll never get rid
of this headache.
You always said that thing was
perfect for soothing your nerves.
How can I have soothed nerves
when tragedy is about to strike
someone very near and dear to us?
The octopus?
The moose?
Morticia and Gomez.
Gomez is beginning
to crack already.
For no reason at all, he just
practically wrecked the plumbing.
They're gonna really erupt
one of these days and...
All over! We gotta
get them to fight,
so they'll let off a
little emotional steam.
Then they'll kiss
and make up, huh?
Right.
You know, like a
well-adjusted couple.
Now, all in favor of making
Morticia and Gomez miserable
for their own good,
raise their hands.
It's unanimous.
Please, not while I'm coughing.
Sorry, Fester.
Morticia, my pet, did you make
a slight rearrangement
of the chessmen?
She probably knew
she was beaten.
Darling, are you
accusing me of fudging?
It's just an excuse.
He's trapped and he knows it.
Forgive me, angelito mio.
There, my king
stalemates your king.
It's a draw. Neither
one of us wins.
Of course,
darling, it had to be.
We're so perfectly matched.
We've just got to do
what the professor says.
Get them brawling.
Hello? Gomez Addams?
Who's calling?
Grand guru?
Oh!
You must be the president
of Gomez's Zen-Yogi society.
His dues? Yeah,
I'll tell him what he...
There aren't gonna be any dues,
not this month's or any
month's from now on.
Mrs. Addams talked her husband
into quitting your
phony society.
She says Zen-Yogi is a fake.
Yeah, she put him
wise to you quacks!
Gomez will have a
fit. He loves Zen-Yogi.
Exactly. And if he doesn't
give Morticia a whack or two,
how else is going to
prove his undying love?
And if she cares for him
she'll conk him once or twice.
What lovely fireworks.
They'll light up the whole
sky with "I love you."
Oh, an ace.
My weekly game at
the Zen-Yogi clubhouse
is something I look
forward to with a passion.
Imagine playing seven
card lowball on your head.
I am Drashi Dumo,
grand guru of the
local Zen-Yogi society.
Follow me.
The grand guru.
Grand guru!
This is a surprise.
Mr. Addams, I am the
one who is surprised.
In fact, I am deeply shocked.
Zen-Yogi is not a fraud.
It is nirvana. It
is the ultimate.
Well, of course
it's the ultimate.
I might even say it
goes beyond the ultimate.
Who would dare say it's a fraud?
Your wife, Mrs. Addams.
Yeah, your wife, Mrs. Addams.
She did?
Well, she's a very
intelligent woman.
If her intuition tells her it's a
fraud, then it must be a fraud.
Then you are
quitting the society?
Morticia said that?
My darling querida.
Just trying to save me the
embarrassment of telling you myself.
You're not gonna let her
dictate to you, are you, Gomez?
You love Zen-Yogi.
After what has been said
about Zen-Yogi in this house,
we will never accept
you again. Good day.
Wait! Tell him his
wife's a meddler.
Let's get a little
battle going here.
Darling, did I hear
a strange voice?
Tish, Zen-Yogi's been taking
up entirely too much of my life.
Darling, you're so right.
And besides, all this
standing on your head
is getting rather expensive.
None of your hats fit anymore.
It's more fun doing
things together.
Darling, could this be the time
we should take our
safari up the Amazon?
Wonderful. A second honeymoon.
Darling. Cara.
Did you hear that?
I'm gonna have to take
the most drastic step of all.
Now! Today.
You're right.
We just can't let
them go off alone.
Suppose they explode
up the Amazon.
Only one would come back alive.
Which one?
I don't know.
And that's the worst part of it.
I just couldn't
stand the suspense.
- A - gentleman
to see you, Doctor.
I hope I can help you.
I read your article
in a magazine.
Ah, yes, a marriage
problem. Mmm-hmm.
Have you ever considered
wearing a toupee?
Oh, it's not me, it's
my niece and nephew.
They seem ideally mated.
Completely happy.
A potentially
disastrous relationship.
I had five marriages of my own.
Each one ideal, and then...
Five marriages?
You must really
understand women.
Naturally. I've killed
three men for women.
Duels. Well, that's
a nice pastime.
But you've just got to
meet Morticia and Gomez.
As a friend of mine.
Not as a doctor.
So you can study and observe
them, without letting them know.
You've just got to help them.
Well, I'm afraid I'm
a very busy man.
Oh, please, please.
We can't let a beautiful
woman like Morticia
go through life as
a lonely divorcee.
Beautiful? Well...
Never let it be said
that Francois Chalon
ever refused a lady in distress.
Oh, goody.
You're a school chum
of dear Uncle Fester's?
Yeah, that was
correspondence school.
Oh, how charming.
Oh, that French! Even
when he speaks it.
The French are so suave.
But the Castilian is much
more exciting in his ardor.
Will you come and meet our Mama?
Mama, this is Dr. Chalon.
Charmed.
That's a most unusual ball
of yarn you're working with.
Oh, it's a shrunken head.
I'm taking the hair off. I'm going
to crochet a nice tea cozy with it.
And this is my
daughter, Wednesday.
Oh, what a pity!
Your little doll lost its head.
She hasn't lost it.
She's Marie Antoinette.
And I chopped it off.
Would you care for a cocktail
before dinner, Dr. Chalon?
Yes, I think I could use one.
You rang?
Cocktails, Lurch.
Use the good hemlock.
Shall we adjourn to the library?
Ah, yes.
So much more intime.
Please, that's French.
Darling, please.
We have a guest.
Oh, yes, forgive me.
Shall we?
I asked him here
to solve a problem.
Now he's creating one.
That's just what we want.
We'll encourage it.
This is my darling Cleopatra.
Genus African strangler.
If I may say so, I find you
fascinating, completely irresistible.
I believe you're trying
to tell me something.
From the first moment I
saw you, I was enchanted.
Dr. Chalon!
I believe Uncle Fester's school
chums are always welcome here,
but I think you're
abusing our hospitality.
I happen to be married.
Ha! If you don't
mind my saying so,
I've made women forget
their husbands in one day.
Please, I love Gomez.
Who's Gomez?
My husband. You see,
I've forgotten him already.
You'll recognize him
when you see him again.
Fester, are you trying to accuse
Morticia of flirting with Chalon?
All I can say is I'm sorry
I ever invited him over.
Then I'll have to defend my
honor, like a true Addams.
Well, spoken like a
true Castilian nobleman.
Let her have it.
Ah, Mr. Addams.
Your charming wife just...
Sir, you have trifled with
the sanctity of my marriage.
I demand satisfaction. My card.
"Validated one-hour
parking at Joe's."
Slight error.
Now, you may
choose your weapons.
These rapiers. In one hour.
This is all wrong.
You were supposed
to sock Morticia.
My rapier shall speak for me.
Please turn the other cheek.
I only have two.
Gomez. He's the best
swordsman in all France.
He is? For Morticia, my querida,
I would fight the greatest
swordsman in the world.
Oh, shucks.
Sorry, sir.
Poor Gomez.
If only he'd belted you once,
everything would have been perfect.
That's no way for a man
to treat the woman he loves.
That Chalon will slice
him like a nickel baloney.
Oh, dear. I must stop it.
But how? He'll
enjoy killing Gomez.
But Gomez won't enjoy it.
I had the most horrible dream.
I dreamed that you killed Chalon
and the police came
and took you away.
And Gomez, you're
my favorite nephew.
I just couldn't bear it.
Please, you gotta
call off that duel.
Don't be absurd.
If the police come
I'll face them.
With shoulders back,
head high, and say,
"It was an accident."
Gee, Gomez, you know,
with that sword in your hand
it's a thing of beauty.
It's all in the wrists.
In the wrist, huh?
Please can I try it?
Go ahead. Thank you.
Oh, dear. And we
don't have another.
Now you'll have
to call the duel off.
Nonsense. This is much better.
Gomez, you said it was
all in your wrist? Oh, yes.
Here, we got to
keep it in shape.
Let me give it a little massage.
Here, how's that feel?
It's all right.
Yeah?
Better?
Well, yes, much better.
But not for dueling.
You mean you'll
have to call it off?
Not while I still
have this hand.
By george, I just realized it.
I'm left-handed.
Cousin Itt, I'm faced
with a terrible problem,
and I know you have a good
head on your shoulders...
You do have
shoulders, don't you?
Three?
Well.
Anyway, Gomez and
a certain Dr. Chalon
have become involved
in a deadly duel over me.
There is a simple
solution? What?
A duel? But they are
going to fight a duel.
And Chalon's the best
swordsman in France.
That's a very good
suggestion, Cousin Itt.
But Gomez's insurance
is already paid up.
How can I stop that duel?
I tried that.
He discovered he
was left-handed.
That's very sweet
of you, Cousin Itt.
But I believe Gomez has
written his own eulogy.
Well, I'll just have to
work on Dr. Chalon.
I must stop this duel for Gomez's
sake, no matter what the price.
Thank you, Cousin Itt.
It's comforting to know
that I look good in black.
Francois.
Please speak English.
It sets my blood afire.
Really?
Uh, please come
and sit beside me.
Francois, I don't
want you to fight.
You might get killed.
Do not worry.
In three strokes
you are a widow.
Dueling's for fools.
You must go away.
Only if you go with me.
I'd love to, but
Gomez hates to travel.
Who's Gomez?
My darling husband.
What about darling
me? You must choose.
Well, I'd feel much better knowing
you were far away, and safe.
Such charm.
But you do not have to choose.
I stay here and duel.
Well, then, duel with me.
I prefer to kill your
darling Gomez.
Oh, no!
Such loyalty.
In a few minutes it
will be "poof!" All over.
And then you can
pack your things, yes?
No.
I mean, I just remembered,
I have to go feed Zelda.
Let Zelda feed herself.
Let a vulture feed herself?
You're not yourself.
Her husband hates to travel?
Oh, Chalon, you are a fool.
Dr. Chalon, you
must call off the duel.
It's off. Cowards
only talk bravely.
Oh, that's true, but Gomez
has other good qualities.
I was speaking of my cowardice.
I have a yellow streak
that wide down my back.
Oh, is that so?
I thought you were
wearing suspenders.
Well, it takes a brave
man to admit he's a coward.
But what about
Morticia and Gomez?
Maybe if she slugged
him... Not necessary.
They are truly a perfect couple.
He was willing to sacrifice
himself for her, and just now, she...
Ah!
It would have been
such a beautiful sacrifice.
Good night, sir. Good night.
All right, Chalon, this is it.
The moment of truth.
Chalon left.
He left?
You know those yellow
suspenders he was wearing?
Yes.
They're not suspenders.
Where's Francois?
He ran.
Oh, good. Didn't he
leave any message?
What message was there to leave?
He was obviously frightened
by my superior swordsmanship.
I may be a little rusty, but
I still have what it takes.
Yes, darling, you still have it.
But I think I'm slipping.
Darling, I'm really glad you're
back in the Zen-Yogi society.
Well, when I showed
them this position,
they welcomed me with open arms.
It's a very
interesting position.
And so comfortable.
The grand guru couldn't
wait to try it himself.
Yes, it's too bad he didn't
have a stronger chandelier.
We should send
him a get-well card.
If it's not too late.
No.
The hospital says he's
recovering quite nicely.
Oh, dear, the grand guru
is going to have company.
By george, that
Zen-Yogi really does work.
My head never felt clearer.
Darling.
and they're kooky
♪ Mysterious and spooky
♪ They're altogether ooky
♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum
♪ When people come to see 'em
♪ They really are a scream
♪ The Addams family
Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
♪ So get a witch's shawl on
♪ A broomstick you can crawl on
♪ We're gonna pay a call on
♪ The Addams family ♪
It's all very simple, children.
All you need is 20/20 vision,
nerves of steel, and
absolutely perfect coordination.
Like this.
You also need an
indomitable spirit.
That's the safe way
to make a basket.
Once more.
Oh, that was a
nice toss, darling.
Thank you.
Thank you, Lurch.
Querida! Perfect.
Exactly the way I taught you.
And that's the way I
want you to do it, too.
Children, we'll have
another lesson tomorrow.
You're a good teacher.
Thank you, Father.
Cara mia, stop right there.
Oh, but darling, I must take
this plant down to the playroom.
I don't see a plant.
I see a rare flower.
You.
My lovely black orchid.
Oh, Gomez, darling.
Your Castilian blood courses
through your veins so gloriously.
Oh, that's terrible.
Morticia doesn't
seem to think so.
No, I'm talking
about this article.
"The Danger of a Happy
Marriage" by Dr. Francois Chalon,
the eminent psychologist.
Danger? In a happy marriage?
You bet.
This fellow says that, "Married
couples who seem ideally mated
"and perfectly attuned
"are really miserable,
emotional messes underneath."
Well, the poor things.
Not everyone can be as
fortunate as we, cara mia.
Music, Lurch, to underscore
this magic moment.
You just oughtta read this.
This Dr. Chalon is
tops in his profession.
He says that couples who fight
like cats and dogs are
really the happy ones.
Happy, cara mia?
Ecstatic, cavaliere mio.
You are sick, sick, sick.
Darling, I'm worried.
Do you think there could be
anything wrong with our marriage?
I couldn't be happier.
Querida, if our
marriage is shaky,
I want to keep it
shaking for all eternity.
Your knight in shining armor
will defend it against the world.
Oh, darling, something
I've always wanted.
An indoor waterfall.
You're so ingenious.
That's true.
Well, off to the
Zen-Yogi society.
We're doing our latest
position, the spread eagle.
On the floor?
Midair.
Have fun.
I forgot my glasses.
Who did that?
Gomez.
Deliberately?
We were talking
about our marriage
and suddenly he picked
up the spear and flung it.
A-ha!
You had a fight.
Congratulations.
Nonsense, Uncle Fester.
We've never been happier.
You poor, misguided soul.
But... Please,
you'll make me cry.
Come on, Lurch. Tighter.
I just gotta get rid of
this headache of mine.
Oh, forget it.
I'll never get rid
of this headache.
You always said that thing was
perfect for soothing your nerves.
How can I have soothed nerves
when tragedy is about to strike
someone very near and dear to us?
The octopus?
The moose?
Morticia and Gomez.
Gomez is beginning
to crack already.
For no reason at all, he just
practically wrecked the plumbing.
They're gonna really erupt
one of these days and...
All over! We gotta
get them to fight,
so they'll let off a
little emotional steam.
Then they'll kiss
and make up, huh?
Right.
You know, like a
well-adjusted couple.
Now, all in favor of making
Morticia and Gomez miserable
for their own good,
raise their hands.
It's unanimous.
Please, not while I'm coughing.
Sorry, Fester.
Morticia, my pet, did you make
a slight rearrangement
of the chessmen?
She probably knew
she was beaten.
Darling, are you
accusing me of fudging?
It's just an excuse.
He's trapped and he knows it.
Forgive me, angelito mio.
There, my king
stalemates your king.
It's a draw. Neither
one of us wins.
Of course,
darling, it had to be.
We're so perfectly matched.
We've just got to do
what the professor says.
Get them brawling.
Hello? Gomez Addams?
Who's calling?
Grand guru?
Oh!
You must be the president
of Gomez's Zen-Yogi society.
His dues? Yeah,
I'll tell him what he...
There aren't gonna be any dues,
not this month's or any
month's from now on.
Mrs. Addams talked her husband
into quitting your
phony society.
She says Zen-Yogi is a fake.
Yeah, she put him
wise to you quacks!
Gomez will have a
fit. He loves Zen-Yogi.
Exactly. And if he doesn't
give Morticia a whack or two,
how else is going to
prove his undying love?
And if she cares for him
she'll conk him once or twice.
What lovely fireworks.
They'll light up the whole
sky with "I love you."
Oh, an ace.
My weekly game at
the Zen-Yogi clubhouse
is something I look
forward to with a passion.
Imagine playing seven
card lowball on your head.
I am Drashi Dumo,
grand guru of the
local Zen-Yogi society.
Follow me.
The grand guru.
Grand guru!
This is a surprise.
Mr. Addams, I am the
one who is surprised.
In fact, I am deeply shocked.
Zen-Yogi is not a fraud.
It is nirvana. It
is the ultimate.
Well, of course
it's the ultimate.
I might even say it
goes beyond the ultimate.
Who would dare say it's a fraud?
Your wife, Mrs. Addams.
Yeah, your wife, Mrs. Addams.
She did?
Well, she's a very
intelligent woman.
If her intuition tells her it's a
fraud, then it must be a fraud.
Then you are
quitting the society?
Morticia said that?
My darling querida.
Just trying to save me the
embarrassment of telling you myself.
You're not gonna let her
dictate to you, are you, Gomez?
You love Zen-Yogi.
After what has been said
about Zen-Yogi in this house,
we will never accept
you again. Good day.
Wait! Tell him his
wife's a meddler.
Let's get a little
battle going here.
Darling, did I hear
a strange voice?
Tish, Zen-Yogi's been taking
up entirely too much of my life.
Darling, you're so right.
And besides, all this
standing on your head
is getting rather expensive.
None of your hats fit anymore.
It's more fun doing
things together.
Darling, could this be the time
we should take our
safari up the Amazon?
Wonderful. A second honeymoon.
Darling. Cara.
Did you hear that?
I'm gonna have to take
the most drastic step of all.
Now! Today.
You're right.
We just can't let
them go off alone.
Suppose they explode
up the Amazon.
Only one would come back alive.
Which one?
I don't know.
And that's the worst part of it.
I just couldn't
stand the suspense.
- A - gentleman
to see you, Doctor.
I hope I can help you.
I read your article
in a magazine.
Ah, yes, a marriage
problem. Mmm-hmm.
Have you ever considered
wearing a toupee?
Oh, it's not me, it's
my niece and nephew.
They seem ideally mated.
Completely happy.
A potentially
disastrous relationship.
I had five marriages of my own.
Each one ideal, and then...
Five marriages?
You must really
understand women.
Naturally. I've killed
three men for women.
Duels. Well, that's
a nice pastime.
But you've just got to
meet Morticia and Gomez.
As a friend of mine.
Not as a doctor.
So you can study and observe
them, without letting them know.
You've just got to help them.
Well, I'm afraid I'm
a very busy man.
Oh, please, please.
We can't let a beautiful
woman like Morticia
go through life as
a lonely divorcee.
Beautiful? Well...
Never let it be said
that Francois Chalon
ever refused a lady in distress.
Oh, goody.
You're a school chum
of dear Uncle Fester's?
Yeah, that was
correspondence school.
Oh, how charming.
Oh, that French! Even
when he speaks it.
The French are so suave.
But the Castilian is much
more exciting in his ardor.
Will you come and meet our Mama?
Mama, this is Dr. Chalon.
Charmed.
That's a most unusual ball
of yarn you're working with.
Oh, it's a shrunken head.
I'm taking the hair off. I'm going
to crochet a nice tea cozy with it.
And this is my
daughter, Wednesday.
Oh, what a pity!
Your little doll lost its head.
She hasn't lost it.
She's Marie Antoinette.
And I chopped it off.
Would you care for a cocktail
before dinner, Dr. Chalon?
Yes, I think I could use one.
You rang?
Cocktails, Lurch.
Use the good hemlock.
Shall we adjourn to the library?
Ah, yes.
So much more intime.
Please, that's French.
Darling, please.
We have a guest.
Oh, yes, forgive me.
Shall we?
I asked him here
to solve a problem.
Now he's creating one.
That's just what we want.
We'll encourage it.
This is my darling Cleopatra.
Genus African strangler.
If I may say so, I find you
fascinating, completely irresistible.
I believe you're trying
to tell me something.
From the first moment I
saw you, I was enchanted.
Dr. Chalon!
I believe Uncle Fester's school
chums are always welcome here,
but I think you're
abusing our hospitality.
I happen to be married.
Ha! If you don't
mind my saying so,
I've made women forget
their husbands in one day.
Please, I love Gomez.
Who's Gomez?
My husband. You see,
I've forgotten him already.
You'll recognize him
when you see him again.
Fester, are you trying to accuse
Morticia of flirting with Chalon?
All I can say is I'm sorry
I ever invited him over.
Then I'll have to defend my
honor, like a true Addams.
Well, spoken like a
true Castilian nobleman.
Let her have it.
Ah, Mr. Addams.
Your charming wife just...
Sir, you have trifled with
the sanctity of my marriage.
I demand satisfaction. My card.
"Validated one-hour
parking at Joe's."
Slight error.
Now, you may
choose your weapons.
These rapiers. In one hour.
This is all wrong.
You were supposed
to sock Morticia.
My rapier shall speak for me.
Please turn the other cheek.
I only have two.
Gomez. He's the best
swordsman in all France.
He is? For Morticia, my querida,
I would fight the greatest
swordsman in the world.
Oh, shucks.
Sorry, sir.
Poor Gomez.
If only he'd belted you once,
everything would have been perfect.
That's no way for a man
to treat the woman he loves.
That Chalon will slice
him like a nickel baloney.
Oh, dear. I must stop it.
But how? He'll
enjoy killing Gomez.
But Gomez won't enjoy it.
I had the most horrible dream.
I dreamed that you killed Chalon
and the police came
and took you away.
And Gomez, you're
my favorite nephew.
I just couldn't bear it.
Please, you gotta
call off that duel.
Don't be absurd.
If the police come
I'll face them.
With shoulders back,
head high, and say,
"It was an accident."
Gee, Gomez, you know,
with that sword in your hand
it's a thing of beauty.
It's all in the wrists.
In the wrist, huh?
Please can I try it?
Go ahead. Thank you.
Oh, dear. And we
don't have another.
Now you'll have
to call the duel off.
Nonsense. This is much better.
Gomez, you said it was
all in your wrist? Oh, yes.
Here, we got to
keep it in shape.
Let me give it a little massage.
Here, how's that feel?
It's all right.
Yeah?
Better?
Well, yes, much better.
But not for dueling.
You mean you'll
have to call it off?
Not while I still
have this hand.
By george, I just realized it.
I'm left-handed.
Cousin Itt, I'm faced
with a terrible problem,
and I know you have a good
head on your shoulders...
You do have
shoulders, don't you?
Three?
Well.
Anyway, Gomez and
a certain Dr. Chalon
have become involved
in a deadly duel over me.
There is a simple
solution? What?
A duel? But they are
going to fight a duel.
And Chalon's the best
swordsman in France.
That's a very good
suggestion, Cousin Itt.
But Gomez's insurance
is already paid up.
How can I stop that duel?
I tried that.
He discovered he
was left-handed.
That's very sweet
of you, Cousin Itt.
But I believe Gomez has
written his own eulogy.
Well, I'll just have to
work on Dr. Chalon.
I must stop this duel for Gomez's
sake, no matter what the price.
Thank you, Cousin Itt.
It's comforting to know
that I look good in black.
Francois.
Please speak English.
It sets my blood afire.
Really?
Uh, please come
and sit beside me.
Francois, I don't
want you to fight.
You might get killed.
Do not worry.
In three strokes
you are a widow.
Dueling's for fools.
You must go away.
Only if you go with me.
I'd love to, but
Gomez hates to travel.
Who's Gomez?
My darling husband.
What about darling
me? You must choose.
Well, I'd feel much better knowing
you were far away, and safe.
Such charm.
But you do not have to choose.
I stay here and duel.
Well, then, duel with me.
I prefer to kill your
darling Gomez.
Oh, no!
Such loyalty.
In a few minutes it
will be "poof!" All over.
And then you can
pack your things, yes?
No.
I mean, I just remembered,
I have to go feed Zelda.
Let Zelda feed herself.
Let a vulture feed herself?
You're not yourself.
Her husband hates to travel?
Oh, Chalon, you are a fool.
Dr. Chalon, you
must call off the duel.
It's off. Cowards
only talk bravely.
Oh, that's true, but Gomez
has other good qualities.
I was speaking of my cowardice.
I have a yellow streak
that wide down my back.
Oh, is that so?
I thought you were
wearing suspenders.
Well, it takes a brave
man to admit he's a coward.
But what about
Morticia and Gomez?
Maybe if she slugged
him... Not necessary.
They are truly a perfect couple.
He was willing to sacrifice
himself for her, and just now, she...
Ah!
It would have been
such a beautiful sacrifice.
Good night, sir. Good night.
All right, Chalon, this is it.
The moment of truth.
Chalon left.
He left?
You know those yellow
suspenders he was wearing?
Yes.
They're not suspenders.
Where's Francois?
He ran.
Oh, good. Didn't he
leave any message?
What message was there to leave?
He was obviously frightened
by my superior swordsmanship.
I may be a little rusty, but
I still have what it takes.
Yes, darling, you still have it.
But I think I'm slipping.
Darling, I'm really glad you're
back in the Zen-Yogi society.
Well, when I showed
them this position,
they welcomed me with open arms.
It's a very
interesting position.
And so comfortable.
The grand guru couldn't
wait to try it himself.
Yes, it's too bad he didn't
have a stronger chandelier.
We should send
him a get-well card.
If it's not too late.
No.
The hospital says he's
recovering quite nicely.
Oh, dear, the grand guru
is going to have company.
By george, that
Zen-Yogi really does work.
My head never felt clearer.
Darling.