The Addams Family (1964–1966): Season 1, Episode 3 - Fester's Punctured Romance - full transcript

Darling, do you think
you did the right thing

by joining that Zen-Yogi society?

Obviously.

Nothing more important
than physical culture.

True.

Ever see anything more restful
on the feet?

No, I can't say that I have.

Does your head feel good, dear?

Darling, you can't have everything.

That's true. I never thought of that.

I wish you'd get Uncle Fester to join up.



He wouldn't even listen.
Something's come over him lately.

- He's been acting sly, secretive.
- Dear Uncle Fester.

He just improves with age.

How do you like this?

Oh, yes.

But I'm not sure about the neck.

Oh?

- Too low?
- Too wide.

- For Cousin Eustace?
- I take it back.

2:00. The afternoon paper should be in.

I'll get it.

- Don't be long.
- I won't.

- I'll wait for you in the conservatory.
- Morticia.

Time has stood still for you,
angelito m?o.



You look even lovelier
than the day I first laid eyes on you.

That word. I'd better go.

You rang?

- Lurch, did you pick up the paper?
- No, sir.

Someone's been stealing it the past
four or five days. Any idea who it is?

Fine loyalty.

Uncle Fester.

Thank you, Thing.

If it weren't for you,
this place would be a madhouse.

Is mother's baby hungry?

Yeah.

There.

- Morticia.
- Oh, Gomez.

The most touching thing has happened.

Your carnivorous plant
put its tentacle around you again.

Tish, I think you've been feeding them
altogether too much hamburger.

No, no, no, sweetheart.

It's the trailing arbutus
and the creeping midnight crawler.

They're embracing.

Isn't that sweet?
They fell in love and intertwined.

But the creeper went to the left
and the arbutus went to the right

and they choked each other.

What a way to go.

Morticia, I must tell you,
Uncle Fester is not himself.

- Oh, is that bad?
- Maybe not.

But he has been interfering
with the children's upbringing lately.

Against my express wishes
he promised little Pugsley a Gila monster.

Darling, it's healthy
for children to have pets.

- Gila monsters?
- Why not?

They're so expensive.

Dear Uncle Fester. Generous to a fault.

Mommy, Daddy, come look, come look.

Look what Uncle Fester got me.

- He had it made especially for me.
- A black widow spider village.

- Isn't that lovely?
- Just like a society of small humans.

- Yeah, they do nothing but fight.
- That's life.

- But is this anything for our child?
- Of course not.

She already has many more spiders
than she'll ever need.

Have fun, dear.

- Still think we should talk to Uncle Fester.
- Maybe, but gently.

The last time we scolded him,

he went into his closet
and didn't come out for weeks.

It was an act, my dear. He loves his closet.

Interesting, yes.

Very interesting.

Come in.

Was that you talking to yourself,
Uncle Fester?

- You've been doing that quite a bit lately.
- Well, only when I'm alone.

- Uncle Fester...
- I know what you're going to say.

I've been spoiling the children.

- I guess I like to feel wanted.
- But you are wanted.

- And needed.
- Needed?

You wouldn't even let me fix that leak
in the roof.

And my finger fit it perfectly.

Uncle Fester,
I told you, that's my favorite leak.

And what about you?

There was a time you'd never think
of using your electric shaver

without connecting it to me.

Well, Gomez felt
you've been a bit run-down lately.

Run-down?

And I can still make it blink, too.

You call that run-down?

Well, the truth is, Uncle Fester,
my new shaver is AC

- and you're DC.
- Excuses, Excuses.

- I'm sorry.
- Well, you don't have to be.

I've been scanning
the Ionely hearts column.

- You haven't.
- You sly old fox, you.

Well, under the circumstances,
I thought I'd take a bride.

Uncle Fester, you just can't take one.
You're supposed to find your own.

It's the sporting way, old boy.

You'll be fighting the women off
with clubs.

Clubs? Yeah.

I think I'd like that.

Well, I better get on with the letter.

Oh, Gomez.

This morning when I woke up
and the sky was all dark and cloudy,

I knew right then and there
that this was going to be a lovely day.

But I can truthfully say I have never let
breeding, social position,

or looks go to my head.
And I'm looking forward to meeting

someone of the opposite sex
with these same qualities.

Signed, Modesty.

Got it?

Excellent.

You have a very delicate handwriting.
Thank you, Thing.

Uncle Fester, we have a surprise for you.

A surprise? For me? I know I'm gonna cry.

Close your eyes.

All right, Gomez.

I just know I'm gonna cry.

You can open them now.

- We saved it from our wedding.
- It's beautiful.

And you made such a handsome couple.

I do hope my bride
will be worthy of all this.

I better mail this...

Do you think
I ought to send a snapshot along?

I believe so.
How about that nice one the city took?

The time you fell asleep
on the park bench

and they carried you off
to the morgue by mistake.

Oh, no. I was thin then and I had hair.

- I do look better now, don't I?
- Much.

- I'll have a new one taken.
- Yes.

But it's imperative that it show
your character, your strength,

- your nobility.
- We'll have it touched up.

That won't be necessary.
I'll take the picture.

Ready?

No, no, Uncle Fester. You're smiling.

- Oh, pardon me.
- Just show the natural Addams charm.

Gotcha.

- Much better.
- Much. Now for the character.

Beautiful.

Now let's see that strength.

Magnificent.

Now the pi?ce de r?sistance,
your nobility.

Breathtaking.
Oh, hurry, Gomez, get it before he loses it.

All right.

Hold it, hold it now. Hold it! Ready?

Perfect!

I wonder what Uncle Fester's bride
will be like.

He once went with a girl
who looked like a walrus.

Darling, beauty isn't everything.

You're right.

He's talking about moving
after the wedding.

He's found a home
in a nice condemned section.

I wonder what their children will be like.

Doesn't matter about the boys,
but I hope the girls look like Uncle Fester.

I do wish Grandpa Squint
and Aunt Vendetta were still alive.

They'd get such a thrill
out of the wedding.

Darling, they are alive.

They are? They don't look it.

- I'd better check.
- You'd better.

- How do you like it?
- Like what, old boy?

- Can't you tell?
- A new collar.

Certainly not.

How can you improve
on genuine matched gopher?

You're parting your hair just...
No, that can't be it.

Come on, take a real close look.

- I've got it. You've had your head waxed.
- Yes.

Oh, you men.
You're much fussier than women.

It's hard coat. Won't crack, scuff or stain.

It's very becoming.

I thought you'd like it.
Oh, has the mail come in yet?

Now, now, control yourself, old boy.
You know the mail doesn't come along

- until later.
- I just can't help it.

I'm a lovelorn swain wandering around
in a lovely black cloud.

Oh darling, you can't expect an answer
to your letter yet.

- You only mailed it yesterday.
- Oh, you never know.

There may be someone out there
as eager as I am.

Dear Uncle Fester.

I haven't seen him this happy
since he blew up the guesthouse.

Mother, Mother.

Oh, hush, Bruno.
You've been so grumpy lately.

I wish you wouldn't shout so.
Your father's trying to take a nap.

That's all right,
I just can't seem to sleep anyway.

Guess I'm excited
about Uncle Fester's wedding.

I wanted to show you the present
I have for him.

- You like it?
- But, darling, I don't see anything.

You're not supposed to.

Uncle Fester says
it's the thought that counts.

I'm thinking of a nice friendly cobra.

Isn't that clever?

If we put our minds to it,
we can save a fortune.

Yes, Thing?

Why, thank you. For Uncle Fester?
What is it?

Come on, now. You can tell me.
I won't tell anyone.

- A shrunken head.
- Just what he wanted.

I do hope your brother Pugsley
hasn't forgotten his dear uncle.

He is going to buy something.

He's upstairs getting the money
out of his piggybank now.

Oh?

The mail's in.

Uncle Fester, you must give it time.
It's only been one day.

I was sure I'd get an immediate response.

I gave a very full description of myself.

Patience.
Your Miss Right will come along.

Hello.

Well, hello there. Is your mother home?

- Are you from the Health Department?
- Why?

The neighbors complained
about Aristotle getting loose.

- Aristotle, what an odd name for a dog.
- Not for a octopus.

No, not for an octopus.

Well, I'm not here
about anything like that.

I sell cosmetics and toiletries.

Well, then my mom is at home.
Her name is Mrs. Addams.

Thank you.

Say, maybe you could help me
make a sale.

What kind of powder
does your mommy use?

- Baking powder.
- I mean on her face.

Baking powder.

And Uncle Fester
uses a spray-on preservative.

- No, you mean a spray-on deodorant.
- No, preservative.

- To keep young?
- Just to keep.

Well, thank you very much.
You've been very helpful.

She's here.

She didn't even bother to write.

She just packed a bag
and came in person.

Oh, this is terrible.
She's not my type at all.

Uncle Fester, I agree
she doesn't have your looks,

but maybe with a nice stringy hairdo
she'd be almost presentable.

Oh, no! That's not enough.

But perhaps, way down deep inside,
where it really counts,

- she's one of us.
- No, no. There is no chemistry.

She doesn't do anything for me.
Our life together would be a mockery.

Lurch. Don't go to the door.
Maybe she'll go away.

- Someone at the door.
- Oh, darling,

- it's Uncle Fester's mail-order bride.
- Ugly duckling.

- Just doesn't pay to order by mail.
- I better hide.

No, you're not. You're going
to stay right here and face her.

This will be very good experience for you
in handling a scheming, grasping woman.

How do you know she's scheming
and grasping, Tish?

She came over here with a bag,
ready to move right in.

Trying to muscle in on the competition.

How do you do, Mrs. Addams?
I'm Miss Carver.

Yes, won't you come in?

Well, thank you, ma'am.
Thank you very much.

You know, I'm not always greeted
so cordially and invited in immediately.

- You do this often?
- Many times a day.

You poor thing.

You mustn't be discouraged.

I always say there's a right one
for everyone.

Won't you come in?

Looks like you're preparing
for some sort of a party.

Every day is a party with us.

Miss Carver, this is my husband,
Mr. Addams.

How do you do, Miss Carver?
Please sit down.

Thank you.

And don't tell me, that gentleman
behind you is Uncle Fester.

I know from the description I've received.

- You can't force me.
- Oh, I never use force.

Just gentle persuasion.

And sometimes in difficult cases,
I merely give a free sample

and leave the prospect to think it over.

Miss Carver!

We don't countenance such behavior
in this house.

Well, then, I'll be happy to accept cash.

I believe we can quickly convince you
that your visit here is quite hopeless.

Don't say that.

Very difficult, yes,
but certainly not hopeless.

Let me ask you a few honest and
straightforward questions, Miss Carver,

and you'll see what we mean.

You've met Uncle Fester. Do you really
think you have something to offer him?

I should say.

Why, I could make
a new man of him entirely.

I have a 90-day plan that works wonders.

That's typical of a woman.

You meet the ideal man and right away
you try to make him over.

Not make over.

Just enhance
and bring out the basic attractiveness

which you already have
in such abundance.

You poor thing.
You have it bad, haven't you?

- I beg your pardon.
- Well, you just met Uncle Fester

and already you're willing
to devote your life to him.

I do have a lifetime plan,

but I'm sure you'll see
a great improvement in just 90 days.

Would you excuse us for a few minutes,
please? A little family conference.

Of course.

Uncle Fester, I think we may have judged
Miss Carver too hastily.

- I can't stand her.
- She's crazy about you, old boy.

Darling, you can make her over a little.
Get her a decent wardrobe.

And after she's been out of the sun
for a few months

she'll lose that ghastly color.

I've changed my mind.
I don't want to get married.

I guess my standards are just too high.

Uncle Fester, you led her on.

Now you go in and be nice to her.

She's probably
in an agony of doubt. Gomez.

Well, have you decided
to let me give you a demonstration?

- No, I can't go through with it!
- Come now.

Let me show you something exotic
for the boudoir.

Don't you dare!

Perhaps you ought to let her, Fester.
It might give you a change of heart.

- Gomez!
- There's no harm.

Go on, Fester, let yourself go.
Take her in your arms, kiss her.

Might not be so bad
if you keep your eyes closed.

- Mr. Addams!
- She's quite right.

- Young lovers should be alone.
- Young lovers?

I'm getting out of here.

Fester, I think you've just been jilted.

Consider yourself lucky, Uncle Fester.
She was a very vain woman.

That case was full of nothing
but cosmetics.

And no taste. Not a bit of baking powder.

Anything interesting
in the paper tonight, dear?

Just a situation wanted ad
by that Miss Carver.

I suppose she decided against marriage.

Some people just don't have it.

You were very lucky, Uncle Fester.

I sure was.

This Zen-Yogi is much better
than marriage.

- Marvelous, isn't it?
- Yeah, and so economical.

- Economical?
- No shoes.