The Addams Family (1964–1966): Season 1, Episode 25 - Lurch and His Harpsichord - full transcript

In a philanthropic moment, Morticia and Gomez give their beloved 462-year-old harpsichord to Mr. Belmont, an appreciative passerby who wants it for his museum. They don't stop till later to think how this might affect Lurch. Lurch is devastated. The family tries to interest him in other past-times, but to no avail. Gomez and Fester finally decide they must build him a duplicate harpsichord. Once built, harmony is restored, up until two delivery men arrive a day early, while Lurch is home alone, to take the real harpsichord away. Lurch now feels betrayed, and there's nothing quite so fearsome skulking about the mansion as an angry Lurch.

♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

♪ So get a witch's shawl on



♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

Hey, Thing, how about
snapping it up a bit?

You know, not all of
us are Mozart fans.

Darn it! I was just
getting started.

Uncle Fester, please.

I do not like profanity.

I'll get it, Lurch.

Are you ready for
the big finish, querida?

Yes, darling.

I hate to disturb you,
but you've got company.

Darling, we have company.

Oh!



We'll have to finish
this later, querida.

I was just passing by

and I was transported
by your lovely music.

How sweet!

It's so nice to have a true
music lover in our home.

Gomez Addams here.

This is my wife, Morticia.

How do you do?

And this is the
genius himself, Lurch.

I haven't heard such music
since my mother passed on.

Oh, your mother
played the harpsichord?

No, they played
it at her funeral.

How nice.

Since then, whenever I
hear it, I get a flutter right here.

You need a little bicarb.

Fester.

Oh, my card.

Oh. Uh-huh.

"Oscar Belmont, Curator
of the Fine Arts Museum."

Oh, it's an honor to have a
man like you in our simple home.

Oh, I...

I wouldn't exactly
call it simple.

You seem to have some remarkable
museum pieces of your own.

Do you really think so?

Oh, yes, indeed.

This harpsichord, for example.

Most unusual.

It's a genuine 1503 Krupnik.

It was in Cousin Crimp's
family for over 400 years.

Cousin Crimp used
to love playing it.

Played four-handed
pieces on it all by himself.

Beautiful.

It should be on exhibit
to inspire all humanity.

You mean in your museum?

Yes.

But unfortunately
we couldn't afford...

Say no more. It's yours.

But...

Please. Please accept it as the
Addams' contribution to posterity.

We'll send the truck
for it this afternoon.

No.

It may take a little time to
prepare Lurch for the shock.

Oh, yes, of course.

Oh, yes.

Well, then, Friday?

Friday.

Exquisite.

He is a music lover, isn't he?

Reminds me of Aunt Trivia.

Oh, was Aunt
Trivia a music lover?

No. She just liked to go
around kissing harpsichords.

Well, on to Lurch.

Oh, yes.

So you see, Lurch, inasmuch
as you love the harpsichord so,

the real public
benefactors wouldn't be us.

It would be you.

We'd even instruct the museum,
Lurch, to name you as donor.

What do you say to that?

I quit.

Lurch, Lurch, you can't quit.

You're like one of the family.

Think of all those glorious,
happy years we've spent together.

Think of the children.

Think of Mama and Uncle Fester.

I quit.

Take away my Krupnik.

Lurch, we only meant
to do what was right.

You do forgive us, don't you?

Well, then, Lurch,
smile to show us

that there are no hard feelings.

Come, come, Lurch. Smile.

That's better.

Now turn the end
around this way.

That's it.

That's it.

Ah, there you have it.

All right, you can
let it down now.

Thank you, Lurch.

You've been very understanding.

I still don't see why
we had to lug this thing

all the way down here.

Uncle Fester, dear, I told you.

We have to acclimatize it.

It has to be damp enough

to stand the dry air
in that sunny museum.

Got you.

Here's the water.
Where do you want it?

No, no, no, Uncle
Fester. Not that way.

Put it back. Put it back.

This way.

Now, there's some for you,

and there's some for
you, and some for you.

May... May I, Mrs. Addams?

Why, of course, Lurch.

I can't.

I can't.

Oh, Gomez, I think we
wounded him beyond repair.

Cara mia, it's your imagination.

What's that?

My imagination.

What's he doing?

He's flipped.

Uncle Fester, I do
not like profanity.

But I'm afraid you're right.

We've left Lurch in the lurch.

We must find some way

to fill this void in his life.

I could give him
Yvette's address.

Who's Yvette?

My French pen pal.

With the Folies Bergere.

Lurch needs more than a pen pal.

Okay. Send her the fare and
she'll come over in person.

I think Lurch needs a
new cultural interest.

Yes.

Well, if you ever have a
problem with me, send for Yvette.

Now you're all
set, Lurch. Hit it!

An absolute
inspiration, Morticia.

Suits him perfectly.

Come on, Lurch. Give
it the old razzmatazz.

Let yourself go, Lurch.

Just pretend you're
in the jungle again,

and they're beginning to
start the ancient fertility dance.

You can pretend
that, can't you, Lurch?

I'll try.

I want my harpsichord.

Well, drums didn't go
over with much of a bang.

I guess Lurch is just
a hopeless longhair.

I don't understand it.

Now then, Lurch,
needles go here,

and around with
the yarn. Through.

Ah.

Now you try.

No, Lurch, no.

One piece at a time.
One piece of yarn.

That's it.

And slip it off.

There. Isn't that fun?

Doesn't it take your
mind off of your troubles?

I thought so.

Now, what would
you like to knit first?

A harpsichord.

I suppose the only thing
that will make Lurch happy

is his harpsichord.

That's no problem.
We'll build him one.

Capital idea!

But, darling, that would take
absolute acoustical perfection,

the very essence of
mechanical precision,

and delicate artistry
and woodcarving.

Do you think you can do it?

I don't know. I never tried.

Well, let's see now.

We have the wood,

we have the wire,

we've got the foot pedals,

and 300 felt pads.

Darling, why so many felt pads?

Well, if this harpsichord
turns out well,

we might decide
to build a spare.

I do hope Lurch doesn't find
out what you're doing down here.

You will work
quietly, won't you?

Don't worry, Morticia.

I soundproofed the
saw, see? No teeth.

Oh.

But will it work?

Sure. Watch.

Well, fellow craftsmen,
everyone to work.

Please do hurry.

Oh, yeah. We'll do the job.

After all, how long can it
take to build a harpsichord?

Two days?

Oh, we'd better
be on the safe side.

Make it three.

Oh! Whatever you do,
don't let Lurch down here.

If he found out what we were
doing, he'd be beside himself.

That would make
an interesting picture.

Busy, busy, busy.

We will now proceed
to build a harpsichord.

All right. First I'll
measure the old one.

Good thinking, Fester.

Here we go. Are you
ready? Mmm-hmm.

All right. It's 36.36.

You got that? Yeah.

21.

21.

And 36.

36.

Yeah.

36, 21, 36.

By george, those are
Morticia's measurements exactly.

This is going to be fun.

Please, it's gonna... Take...
Come over here, will you?

Take what?

Here.

You know, Gomez, these
harpsichords are hard to build.

Thirty-six hours away from you

has turned me into
a raving maniac.

Well, rave later, dear.

Right now, finish
that harpsichord.

It's almost done.

Oh, wonderful.

I couldn't keep Lurch away from
that playroom another moment.

Just send him on an errand.

When he comes back, voila!

The imitation Krupnik will be in
place and he'll not be the wiser.

Wonderful.

Darling, whatever is that for?

For the strings.

Oh, yes. They do
require delicate tuning.

Oh, do hurry.

Lurch will be here any minute.

There. What do you think?

I think it looks just
like the old one.

Even down to those
lovely wormholes.

That's a simple matter.

Just an ice pick
and a few sharp taps.

We forgot the most
important thing.

There! A genuine
imitation Krupnik.

Oh, it'll be so nice to see
Lurch's old smiling self again.

Surprise!

We changed our minds, Lurch.

We told Mr. Belmont we simply
could not part with the harpsichord.

He'll just have to
get his own Krupnik.

And that's not going to be easy.

These things
aren't built in a day.

Takes three.

It's all yours, Lurch.

Forever and ever.

I think we ought to
leave Lurch alone

with his harpsichord
for the rest of the day.

Excellent idea, cara mia.

We'll spend the
afternoon at Lovers' Leap.

What'll I do there?

We'll make love and you'll leap.

Darling, what about
the museum people?

They'll be along tomorrow.

Ah, excellent,
that's Lurch's day off.

What marvelous planning.

We should be in Washington.

Come in.

Excuse me.

You wanted something?

No. I mean, yes.

Just the harpsichord.

We were supposed
to pick it up tomorrow.

But as long as we were
in the neighborhood...

We thought we'd get it today.

But we can come back tomorrow.

Yeah, we can send
somebody else tomorrow.

You want my harpsichord?

No, we don't want it.

Mr. Belmont wants it.

For the museum.

But it's mine!

Sure, sure. But we
have a pickup order.

Betrayed.

Not by us.

Look, maybe we're in
the wrong place altogether.

Yeah, the wrong place.

Stop.

Take it.

Really?

Take it!

Certainly.

By george, it's good to get out.

Yes, it always
make you appreciate

what you have in your own home.

Hey, do you see
what I don't see?

The harpsichord! It's gone!

It can't be!

It's gone all right.

Lurch, where are you going?

What's that in your hand?

Where are you going?

Answer the third question first.

Yes, where are you going?

Home to Mama.

Nonsense!

Easy, Lurch.

You'll lose your pension rights.

Nobody cares about me.

Of course we care
about you, Lurch.

We all love you.

Now, let's not get sickening.

I like you, Lurch,
but I don't love you.

Besides, Lurch, you have
to give us two weeks' notice.

And think, Lurch,
where will you ever find

another home like this?

You could wind up butling
luncheons at the Optimist Club.

Think how that
would crush your spirit.

I'm going.

All right.

But I have to warn
you, I'm an attorney.

I can hit you with
a restraining order.

Gomez, you can't do that.

I can't?

How about habeas corpus?

Nonsense, darling. I think
we can settle this out of court.

That's right, Lurch.

Just go upstairs, unpack your
suitcase and put away your undies.

We'll take care of everything.

Those big fellows
sure come unglued fast.

Poor man.

His whole world crumbled
when he lost his harpsichord.

Morticia, could the
museum have come here

and taken the wrong
instrument on the wrong day?

It's a possibility.

Why don't we call them?
See if they'll send it back?

Good thinking.

Gomez, darling, it's wonderful

the way you just leap
in and take charge.

Lead the way.

That's what they said about
old Commodore Addams.

Oh? When he led
his men into battle?

Off his sinking ship.

Hello, Fine Arts Museum?

This is Mrs. Addams.

I'd like to report
a ghastly error.

I believe some of your men
came over this afternoon

and removed the
wrong harpsichord.

You don't say.

You don't say!

What do they say?

You heard her. They don't say.

That's unbelievable.

Well, I don't blame you.

I think you did
exactly the right thing.

Goodbye.

You won't believe
it. I'll believe it.

You know that nice Mr. Belmont?

Well, he isn't nice at all.

He isn't even with the museum.

He's a notorious crook.

A crook? Yes.

He tried to sell your homemade
harpsichord to the museum

for $15,000. What happened?

Well, of course they took one
look at it and had him arrested.

Well, it wasn't that bad.

Well, of course
not, Uncle Fester,

but after all, a
Krupnik is a Krupnik.

Is a Krupnik.

It's fate.

Our beloved harpsichord is
destined to remain in this house.

It's good to have the old
Krupnik back again, isn't it?

Uncle Fester, what
are you making now?

Oh, I'm making a petit point
saddlebag for Mama's broom.

How nice.

That old harpsichord
sounds magnificent, doesn't it?

Yes, darling.

Whatever happened
to the one you built?

Left it at The Midnight Mission.

You'd be surprised how many
music lovers they have down there.

And what about Mr. Belmont?

His trial comes
up in three weeks.

He'll get ten years.

Why, querida? I'm defending him.

I'm glad. You're glad?

Yes, he ought to get life, and
with you defending him, he will.