The Addams Family (1964–1966): Season 1, Episode 24 - Crisis in the Addams Family - full transcript

Once again, Fester's canon has wrecked the plumbing. The Arthur J. Henson Insurance Agency, subsidiary of Excelso Fidelity Insurance, is outraged by yet another in a series of payouts on the Addams policy, but a clause in the small print enables them to finally cancel it. Fester's allowance is subsequently suspended, so he gets a job - as an insurance salesman for Henson Insurance. It's not hard to guess to whom he sells his first policy, which has the head of the company in an uproar and storming his way to the Addams house to wheedle out of it.

♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

♪ So get a witch's shawl on



♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

All right, sailor,

pass the powder and grape shot

and we'll rake her fore and aft!

No.

Hey, you mutinous dog.

I'll have you quartered.

Flogged and keelhauled.

On the double!

No.

Oh, come on, Fester,
be a good sport.

I'm tired of being
Benedict Arnold



and Jesse James
and John Wilkes Booth.

I'm tired of being a good sport.

All right. If you
want to be childish.

Ahoy, my beloved.

Time for another great
moment in Addams history.

Will it take long, darling?

I want to have these
traps ready by tonight.

Only a moment, cherie.

But what a moment!

It was seven bells on that
fateful night in the North Atlantic.

A fierce sou'wester was
howling through the rigging,

as Admiral John Paul Addams
drove his stout little frigate

straight into the heart
of the German flotilla.

Foaming up at his
stern at flank speed

was Admiral Tojo
and the imperial fleet.

Oh, Gomez, I
never tire of this one.

It was then Admiral Addams
fired that shot heard round the world

after uttering those
inspired words,

"If you need me,
I'll be in my cabin."

Man the pumps, scuttle
the bilge, abandon ship.

And get a wrench.

You've wrecked
the plumbing again.

I do it every time.

You can take your finger
out of the pipe, Fester.

I shut it off at the main.

It could've happened to anybody.

Not to an Addams.

That's four times in a row.

From now on the children
mix the gunpowder.

Pretty soon I'll be
nobody around here.

I'm going up to my closet.

What's bothering him?

Perhaps I was
too sharp with him.

Oh, darling, he'll get over it.

Uncle Fester just
isn't too practical.

I may as well go upstairs
and call the plumber.

Darling, who's being
impractical now?

Why don't I call that nice
Mr. Beesley, our insurance man,

and let him take
care of everything?

I don't think we better
bother him again.

Bother him?

Darling, you know how excited
he gets every time we call.

I'm sure he'd be terribly hurt if
we didn't get in touch with him.

Come along.

One more telephone
call from Addams

and I am going to
kill you, Beesley.

Three big claims paid
on this policy in one year.

So just one more
policy like that

and Excelso-Fidelity
Insurance will pull our franchise.

Arthur J. Henson,
President, speaking.

Hello, Mr. President.
This is Mrs. Addams.

A very unusual thing just
happened in our playroom.

Admiral Addams...

Well, actually it
was Uncle Fester.

You see, they hanged
Admiral Addams 200 years ago.

Well, he accidentally
got just a pinch

too much sulfur
in the gunpowder,

so that when he fired the
cannon, it hit a water pipe.

A broken water pipe? My...

I will not pay
another... I've only...

He's charming, but he
seems rather confused.

If you'll permit me,
my dear. Yes, darling.

Do you understand? Not
one more claim. Thank you.

This is Gomez Addams.

What seems to be your problem?

Now get this through
your thick head, Addams.

We're not paying you one
more cent and that is final!

Come, come, Henson.

You don't really expect me
to jump at your first offer?

Oh, you want a better offer?

Well, go jump in the lake.

The fourth claim
cancels out the policy.

Hey, hang on a minute.
What are you saying?

Here, in the small print.

If we pay off on the tiny claim,

we're through with him
and we're out cheap.

Hello, Mr. Addams.

We'll play along
with you on this.

Your check will
be in the next mail.

Well, that was a letdown.

I merely stated my position
with impeccable logic

and the poor devil caved in.

Darling, you tend to
underestimate yourself.

I suppose so.

I've often wondered
what would happen

if I turned myself
loose on the world.

Gomez, the world just
isn't ready for you yet.

Cara.

Did my new cannon get here yet?

Darling, we're going
to have to tell him.

Uncle Fester, I
regret to tell you

that we're going to
have to punish you.

You've been spending
altogether too much money.

Fester, you won't see another
penny of your allowance until 1986.

You know what that
means, don't you?

No.

Not another shot do you fire in
this house until you make it up.

You've been whittling me
down around here little by little.

But this broke the camel's back!

It's for your own good.

I'm old enough to know
what's for my own good.

From now on I'm gonna
watch out for myself.

I'll get a job.

"Wanted. Army Space
Program. 10,000 hours flight time.

"Test pilot prepared
to travel extensively."

No. I don't like army food.

"Be your own boss. Are
you young and ambitious?

"Highest commission
paid to dynamic salesmen.

"Must be clean-cut,
personable, fast-talker,

"conservative dresser, magnetic.

"Apply. Arthur J. Henson
Insurance Agency."

Oh, boy. That's me!

Are you sure you want
to see Mr. Beesley?

Oh, yes. He's looking for me.

Well, go on in.

Thank you.

You can fill out your hospitalization
claim with my secretary.

Oh, but I feel fine.

And dynamic and aggressive.

I'm your new salesman.

No, there's some mistake.

No, those things you
said in your ad, that's me.

No, no. You have to
have previous experience.

Oh, I've had plenty of
previous experience.

I held the same
job for 37 years.

Selling?

No. Public relations. Yeah.

My father paid me
to keep out of public.

Of course, when
he died I retired.

Look, I'm on a
very tight schedule.

If you'll just leave.

Oh, but I'm a great salesman.

I'm magnetic. Watch.

And I'm a live wire, too.

Go Ahead. Sell
anything you like.

Oh, good. Can I
have a sales kit?

Take it.

Get out of my sight.

Oh, just like dear old Dad.

Good shot, querida.

That's the third
bird we've lost today.

Must be the nesting
season, my dove.

Uncle Fester. What's wrong?

I tried.

I knocked on every
door in my territory.

I was dynamic.

I was personable,
charming, and magnetic.

But it wasn't any use.

Oh, my career is
ruined. I'm all washed-up.

I have a feeling all's
not well with Fester.

It's hard to tell.

He puts up such a brave front.

Oh, yes.

Oh, Uncle Fester, dear.

How can you expect
to lose a headache

with a hot water bottle
that isn't even hot?

Nothing will help.

Oh, Lurch. Put it
over there, please.

And Lurch, would
you fill this up?

And make sure the
water is nice and scalding.

That'll be all, Lurch.

Now, Uncle Fester. Sit up.

You'll feel a lot better after a
nice hot cup of buzzard broth.

No, I couldn't even
get a sip down.

But I have a surprise
for you for lunch.

Guess.

Gopherloaf.

Oh, I know what
you're trying to do.

But it's no use.

Just leave me in my pain.

Gomez, I'm frightened.

Even when he got
caught in the tunnel of love

he didn't turn down
his gopherloaf.

I know.

He thinks he's a failure.

Something has
to be done about it.

Tish, go downstairs and
keep the children away.

All right, you
lily-livered goldbrick!

Are you going to lie there sniveling
on that nice warm bed of nails?

Or are you going to get up
and fight like an Addams?

Well, if it's all the
same with you,

I'd rather lie here and snivel.

When a pilot crashes
what does he do?

He gets right
back into that crate

and up into the wild
blue yonder again.

And when a lion tamer gets
ripped up, does he snivel?

Does he quit?

Not always.

And that's what you're
going to do, Fester.

You're going to
get up off that bed.

On your feet.

Now sell your policy.

Oh, golly, Gomez.

Fester, the Addams spirit!

Good afternoon, sir.

Or madam, as the case may be.

I am your friendly, smiling

insurance advisor, come to
help you with your problem.

Well, go on,
Fester. The rest of it.

This is as far as I ever got.

I find that hard to believe.

Your presentation was
sharp, pithy, to the point.

I've got it. I'll be the salesman
and you be the customer.

Now, we'll make this
as real as possible.

And you give me all
the answers that you get.

And I'll show you
how to handle them.

All right?

Now,

here we go.

Good morning, sir. I'll buy it.

I simply can't
resist a sales pitch.

You have got to give me
the answers that you get.

All right, now.

We'll start from the
beginning. All right?

I'll even go outside.

There's nobody home.

Good morning, sir. Get lost!

I'm your friendly,
smiling insurance man.

Beat it or I'll put
the dog on you.

I think I've got my
sights on your problem.

If something happened to you,

what would become
of your loved ones?

Those creeps?

Now, Plan A gives you the maximum
coverage with the minimum expense.

Will you stop bothering me?

It contains total disability,

hospitalization,
funeral expenses,

multiple casualties, plus a tax
deduction and an easy payment plan.

By george, Fester,
that's an attractive policy.

I think I'll take it myself.

There we are. Congratulations,
old boy. You broke the ice.

You've just made
a million-dollar sale,

plus a lovely sales commission.

I did?

Yep. There it is.

Signed, sealed and delivered.

I told you I'd be a success.

A million-dollar policy
to Gomez Addams.

He was a pushover.

You imbecile.

Don't panic.

I've never seen a policy yet that
Arthur J. Henson couldn't wiggle out of.

In the first place, that
contract is worthless

until it has been notarized in
the presence of two witnesses.

Like it said in the sales kit,

that's the first
thing I had done.

Look on the bright side, Arthur.

It's a whopping premium.

Premium. Premium.

That's it! Don't
accept the check.

Tear it up, burn it.

Paid in full. Cash.

Solid gold doubloons.

Well, if everything's under
control, I'll get cracking again.

Out! Out! Out!

Gotcha, AJ.

There now, Lurch.

You see what a bit of poison
ivy can do for a cannon?

Very cheerful.

As long as Uncle
Fester paid for it himself,

I'd like to make it look
as nice as possible.

Lurch. Attendez.

Uh, I've come to save you
some money, Mr. Addams.

No. I'm the butler.

Follow me.

I'm... I'm Arthur J. Henson,

President of the Arthur
J. Henson Agency.

Ah, dear lady. You
must be Mrs. Addams.

Yes.

I'm Arthur J. Henson.
This is Beesley.

Charmed. Won't you be seated?

Oh, thank you.

She seems okay.
You can stop worrying.

Uh, Mrs. Addams, we'd
like to talk to your husband.

Oh, I'm sorry, he's out jumping.

If you'd care to wait?

Jumping? Yes.

From about 20,000 feet.

But he still has his parachute.

Still?

Yes. You see,
he has this theory.

I'm not quite sure
that I understand it.

But he hopes to prove
that if a jumper jumps

using a smaller chute each time,

eventually he'll
need no chute at all.

Well, how far along is he?

He said he'd have it figured out one
way or another by the end of this week.

Can I start worrying now?

Worry. Worry.

Just a pinch more
sulfur, children.

High explosives are a
tradition in the Addams family.

But only here in
the house, of course.

My husband frets
so about the children.

Wouldn't dream of
taking them on safari.

Safari? Africa? Lions,
tigers, crocodiles?

Oh, nothing so adventurous.

He just takes them to India

and they poke around
looking for cobras.

You rang?

Teatime, Lurch.

You gentleman
will stay, of course?

We have something
extra special today.

Scorpion pate on
fresh toadstools

with just gobs of divine
belladonna sauce.

Mama's secret mix.

Surely you're not going
to serve that to our client,

I... I mean, your husband?

Oh, I suppose I do baby him.

Oh-oh! I'm back.

How did it go, dear?

Oh, marvelously.

All except the last two feet,
and they were impossible.

Dear, this is Mr. Henson and
Mr. Beesley from the insurance company.

How do you do?

Good to see you, old boy.

Yes.

Mr. Addams, I'm going
to let you off the hook.

Out of the kindness of my heart

I am willing to
cancel your policy.

Refund his premium.

Dear, I thought we'd seen
the last of those dust collectors.

Wait a minute.

Did you say cancel the policy?

But why?

Well, because the policy
doesn't make sense.

Things like this.

"Double indemnity for
flogging by carnivorous plant.

"Gunpowder burns.

"Being bitten by
an enraged rug."

Good old Fester. He gave
me complete coverage.

Yes, darling.

It's very sweet of you gentlemen

to be worried about us, but...

Would you excuse us a moment?

Darling.

Darling, you simply
can't cancel that policy.

Think of Uncle Fester.
He'd be crushed.

You're right, querida.

Henson, I've changed my mind.

I want to double that policy.

No! No! No!

In the first place,
the addlepated nitwit

who sold you the policy
doesn't even represent us.

Frankly, I don't know
how you could have been

taken in by such
a moronic goofball.

Well, here I am.

Hello, HB. AJ. MA. GA.

Hello, Uncle Fester.

Uncle Fester?

Splendid news.

You've just sold another
million-dollar policy.

I did?

By golly, you were right.

I didn't need that
sales kit after all.

Well, I'm gonna
go up to my room.

Got to unwind.

Go, go, go!

Perfect, children!

Well, I'm not gonna
take this lying down.

Excelso? Henson.

Put me on the hot
line. This is a red alert.

Hello, Chief?

I want to report a big swindle.

Two million dollars.

Addams, Gomez.

That's right. Two D's.
How... How did you know?

He is?

He does?

We do?

You are?

I am?

I see.

Addams here.

I do?

I am?

I can?

I will.

It completely slipped my mind

that I own controlling
interests in Excelso Corporation.

The president, what's his name,

just urged me to take a more active
interest and make a few decisions.

Darling, why don't you?

Very well.

Beesley, I like
the cut of your jib.

You recognized
Uncle Fester's ability,

and that means something to me.

From now on you're
my number one boy.

Henson, you'll render all possible
assistance to your new boss.

Thank you, Lurch.

Tea, gentlemen?

I'm afraid not, Mrs. Addams.

It's been delightful.

Come on, Henson. Get cracking.

Darling, I think you
made the right decision.

The best since I put Winthrop
in charge of Addams Motors.

Remember? He
took a failing company

and in three months
ran it into bankruptcy.

Dear, you could have
done it in one month.

Querida.

Querido.

Oh, Fester.

How would you like
to be vice-president

or chairman of the
board or something?

Ah, there's no
challenge anymore.

I'm just gonna retire
and play with my cannon.

Watch this.

Oh, dear, quick. Call
the insurance man.

Oh, no. I'm through paying
these ridiculous claims.

Fester, you're paying
for this one yourself.

Gladly. I have a brand
new personal policy.

Oh? On what company?

Yours.

Foiled again.