The Addams Family (1964–1966): Season 1, Episode 21 - The Addams Family in Court - full transcript

While Gomez and Morticia were away bat hunting, Mama resumed her old bad habit of fortune telling, which soon snags her an arrest on a municipal code violation. In her hour of need, the family rallies to her side as none other than Gomez "Loophole" Addams - who's never lost a case (nor won one either) - dusts off his law degree to defend her in court.

♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

♪ So get a witch's shawl on



♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

Querida.

Oh, thank you, Gate.

Oh, it's so good to be home.

Place looks as warm
and inviting as ever.

Bat-hunting is fun, but it's nice to be
back among our own surroundings.

What do I do with the bats?

Oh, just turn them
lose in the attic.

Oh, and Lurch, you may have
a few of them for your room.

Hmm.

Wait till the children see them.

They'll have a ball.



Bats and ball! Rather
clever, eh, Lurch?

I knew you'd appreciate it.

Dear Mama. I'm so
glad we're home, really.

If we leave her alone too
long, she tends to brood.

I don't know why. She has her
lizards and her comfy nail bed.

And if things get dull she can
always throw darts at Uncle Fester.

Dear Uncle Fester,
he's so sweet that way.

And he makes such
a lovely big target.

Mama! Uncle Fester!

The hunters are
home from the hill.

Gomez, do you smell something?

Your perfume.

Cara mia, it sets
my blood aflame.

Darling, it's not me. It's that.

Oh?

Mama's been
burning incense again.

She knows I can't stand it.

You know what that
means, don't you?

I'm gonna have a sinus attack?

She's been telling fortunes
while we were gone.

Oh, I thought she kicked
that habit years ago.

Oh, dear.

The worst?

"Sit down and be quiet. Madame
Bovary will be with you in a jiffy."

Mama does have style.

The last time she went
on a fortune-telling spree,

she was Madame De Pompadour.

Oh, darling, lead me
in. I don't think I can look.

Courage, my dear. It's probably
just a practical joke of Mama's.

Well?

I think we'd better
go back to the hunt.

Well, my dear, Mama hasn't
lost any of the old carnival spirit.

Masquerading as a
gypsy. It's so unbecoming.

She does have
occult powers, though.

She predicted that I would
run every business I ever had

right into the ground.

And, by George, she was right.

Pure coincidence.

Darling, how are we going to get her
to stop this without hurting her feelings?

I could set the tent on fire.

Dear Gomez, you still have traces
of Mamoud Khali Pasha Addams.

The firebug of the Bosporus.

Breeding will tell.

We'd better have a look.

Isn't this exciting?
Tell me everything.

It's all in the ball.

Oh, yes.

Um, here's a little, uh, gratuity
for you, Madame Bovary.

Madame Bovary thanks you.

Must be the excitement.

Why, that naughty
Thing. He's in this with her.

Working hand in hand.

What do you see?

I see a jail.

A jail?

And you are in it.

Oh, that's impossible.

Lady, kindly don't
argue with me.

Argue with the ball.

I'm sorry. Tell me more.

Time's up.

See? Incredible.

Well, if you get any more
messages from up there, just call me.

Of course, of
course. Next please!

She's fabulous.

Next. Keep moving.

"Lizard tails and rattlesnakes,
In the cauldron boil and bake

"Eye of newt and toe of frog,

"Wool of bat and tongue of dog,

"Spirits high and spirits low

"Tell us what we want to..."

Oh, oh.

Well, I guess it's time
to be getting lunch.

Mama, aren't you ashamed?

I don't see why.

I love reciting Shakespeare.

Besides, I made $84 in tips.

Not bad.

I don't care about the money.

I like telling fortunes.

Out of the question.

Oh, please, just a few more?

Not another one, Mama.

Querida, be lenient.

Look at the anguish
in that soulful face.

Well, just one more.

And then that goes
back where it belongs.

On the chandelier.

I do wish Mama would
come out of that tent.

She's hoping to
go into a trance.

It seems to do things
for her personality.

Peerless Lead just
went up to $209.

And you sold it at $4?

$3.

Oh, how thoughtful.

Whatever would we have
done with a houseful of lead?

This is the place, sergeant.

I'll go inside.
You wait out here.

You see anybody come
running out, arrest 'em.

Howdy!

Are you Madame Bovary?

Do I look like Madame Bovary?

Sorry.

Where did you hear
about the Madame?

Well, somebody recommended her.

She really that good?

Well, if you like that
looking-into-the-future stuff.

Me, I'm a practical man.

Now, electricity.

That's something
you can believe in.

See what I mean?

Please, would you
just take me inside?

Well, if you prefer mumbo-jumbo
to science. Come on.

It's up. It's down.

It's up. It's down.

It's gone.

Oh. Come on.

Come on.

Mama, I got a live one.

Oh, Morticia, Gomez.
When did you get back?

Short while ago.

Did you bag me any buzzards?

Oh, yes, we got
you some beauties.

We caught them
right at molting time.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

Aren't you gonna
introduce us to your friend?

Oh, he's no friend. He just
wants to get his fortune told.

"Lizard tail and rattlesnake,
In the cauldron boil and bake"

What was that?

Mama warming up.

Madame Bovary
during office hours.

Can I go in?

You'd better, before
she goes into a trance.

Trance? Good luck.

Oh, I do hope Mama conducts
herself with poise and dignity.

Whee!

Can't be more
dignified than that.

You naughty little man.

What are you talking about?

Lulu May Lou from Louisville.

Lulu May Lou from Louisville?

Kansas City?

I don't know Lulu May
Lou from Kansas City either.

Sally May Lou?

Lulu May Sally?

Let's forget it.

You were gonna tell
me about the future.

Oh, yes.

Your future is coming through.

I can see it clearly.

Yeah, well, I can see
yours even more clearly.

Oh, you a gypsy, too?

No, I'm a police officer.

Lady, you're going to jail.

I better get a new ball.

Everybody seems
to be going to jail.

Well, I don't know
about everybody.

But lady, you're under arrest.

Come on, Madame Bovary.

Back to the chandelier for you.

Couldn't even tell me
he was a police officer.

Is something wrong?

This big boor is arresting me.

What's the meaning
of this, Mr. Boor?

This woman is under
arrest for violation

of the municipal
code, Section 4-3-3-0.

And she's going down
to the station with me.

Sorry, old man, we can't permit
Mama to go out with strangers.

He's right.

We've never been
properly introduced.

Really?

Well, allow me to
introduce myself.

Police Lieutenant James Poston.

How do you do?

How do... You're pinched.

Fine beginning.

Don't fret, Mama.

You'll have the
greatest legal brains

defending you since
Clarence Darrow.

But, darling, I haven't
practiced in years.

This will be excellent
practice for you.

You're right. First thing we'll
do is obtain an injunction.

An injunction for what?

Oh, I'll think of something.

Doesn't hurt to have one handy.

Are you ready, Madame Bovary?

From now on, I'll thank
you to call me Madame X.

Courage, Mama. We'll have
you out of jail by sundown.

How, darling, how?

Conceal a hacksaw in a pie.

Hacksaw in a pie.

But isn't that dangerous?

Remember when we did
that for Cousin Cringe?

Cousin Cringe?

Yes, he ate the hacksaw.

In fact, he developed
a taste for them.

Ah, yes. Well,
forget the hacksaw.

We'll claim insanity.

Mama's?

The Lieutenant's. Very clever.

I'm not sure it'll
work. Why not?

Politics. Oh, that's true.

I'll have the law
declared unconstitutional.

Lieutenant Poston's 3-3-4-0
will be erased from the statutes.

Brilliant, darling,
absolutely brilliant.

But didn't Lieutenant Poston
say that law was 4-3-3-0?

Or was it 3-3-4-0?

Maybe it was 3-0-0-0-0-0.

I'll have them all
declared unconstitutional.

Can't be too careful, you know.

Darling, it's so reassuring to have
Mama's defense in your hands.

Well, they didn't call me
"the Loophole" for nothing.

No, the name fits you perfectly.

I'm worried about one thing.

Worried? Cara mia.

About what?

I don't know what
to wear to court.

Hey, let me out of here!

Let me out of here!

Mama, you poor darling,
what are they doing to you?

Nothing. I saw this cup-banging
scene in a prison picture once.

Ah, you were very convincing.

Oh, thank you. Where's Gomez?

He's working on your release.

Never lost a case, you know.

Never won one,
either. Perfect record.

Get your hands off of me. Release
me! Now keep moving, keep moving.

Madame Bovary.

Welcome, dear. You
made it just as I predicted.

I told you she's fabulous.

What happened?

Well, I was crossing a street
in the middle of the block

and an officer had the
nerve to give me a ticket.

So naturally I kicked him.

Just bear with it.

My husband will take your
case as soon as he frees Mama.

Oh, is your husband a lawyer?

He's the great Loophole.

Look, mister, I
don't make the laws.

Just pay the $10 fine and you
can have her out in five minutes.

Oh, I'm afraid I
couldn't do that.

It wouldn't give Mama time enough
to do her famous mess hall scene.

She just loves prison pictures.

Look, I might even get
the judge to reduce the fine.

Oh, it's not a matter of money,

it's a question of principle.

Just what do you want?

I demand an immediate trial,

complete acquittal,
and a full apology.

Well, chum, you sure
picked the right judge for that.

First case. The
People v. Addams.

Bailiff,

which one is the defendant?

The odd-looking one.

I repeat, which one
is the defendant?

The old bat on the end.

Trolling on skid row?

Fortune-telling. The
others are her family.

Figured.

Who's the complainant?

I am, Your Honor.

This woman is in violation of the
municipal code, Section 4-3-3-0.

Is the defendant
represented by counsel?

You are counsel
for the defendant?

That honor belongs
to my dear husband.

Permit me to introduce
the bar's brightest light,

Gomez "Loophole" Addams.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What goes on here?

Just sit tight, Judge, and we'll
show you how to run a trial.

I warn you, I'll stand
for no nonsense.

I object.

You object?

Just testing.

Bailiff?

Yes, Your Honor?

Is this some sort of a joke?

No, Your Honor.

And that Addams
is really a lawyer.

I don't believe it.

I checked.

I still don't believe it.

But we'll proceed.

This is getting interesting.

Proceed.

And Mr. Addams,

you'd better watch your step.

Darling, I don't
think he likes us.

Maybe you'd better
pay him the $10.

For a trumped-up charge?

Offer him $5.

Nonsense, we've
got him on the run.

The first witness for
the defense will be

the victim of this outrageous miscarriage
of justice, the defendant herself.

Swear her in.

I object.

You object to your own
witness taking the oath?

I certainly do. It
cramps her style.

You avoided that trap
very neatly, darling.

Gracias, cara mia, gracias.

Will you proceed?

Oh, yes, Your Honor.

I shall ignore the
prejudice, intimidation,

and irregularities
of this entire farce

and caution you that no matter
what the verdict is, I shall appeal.

Order in this court. Order!

I object.

You object?

Well, you don't expect me to
sit here like a dummy, do you?

I hold you in contempt.

Well, that makes us even.

That will cost you $50.

Sounds reasonable.

Now will you be quiet?

Or would you like
to try for $100?

$100? Forget it. Sorehead.

Sir, I warn you, you
better shut your clack up

and get on with this case.

Yes, darling, I wish you would.

That silly hammer is
giving me a headache.

Thank you, Thing.

Makes a wonderful law clerk.

You need some more
light? Yes, please.

Ah, that's better.

Thank you, Fester.

Pleasure.

Your Honor,

the simple rule of law involved
here is amply demonstrated

in the celebrated
case of Vauglin v. Broar

which reversed the decision
of Shepherd against Flug

which upheld the
decision of ex parte Drake.

Reaffirming the
dictum... Hold it, hold it.

I wish you wouldn't
interrupt my husband.

Go on, darling, I'm fascinated.

Would you mind telling me what
all that's got to do with this case?

"Does Macy tell Gimbel?"

Maybe not.

But let me tell you something.

I'm beginning to doubt
your credentials as a lawyer.

I resent that.

I think you're a fraud!

That's different.

Ole, ole.

Listen, all of you, this
is my final warning.

Your Honor, please, that hammer.

You run the noisiest court.

Perhaps you'd like to take over?

May I?

Be my guest.

Thank you.

I think we may have
misjudged the poor dear.

That hammering does throw you.

Come, cara. Perhaps
you can penetrate

the wall of bias and ignorance

surrounding this
travesty of justice.

I can only try.
Thank you, darling.

Your Honor, one look at the
accused should convince you

that she is as innocent
as a newborn babe.

Madam, I've seen more innocent
looks on Murder Incorporated.

Must be this light.

True, a crime had
been committed,

but not by this
saintly old lady.

Hear, hear.

The real criminal is right
here in this courtroom,

hiding behind a
shield of respectability.

There's the culprit.

Me?

Might as well confess, old boy.

Thought you'd beat the rap, huh?

Wait till Lulu May
Lou hears about this.

May I say a word?

Please do.

This is insanity.

Exactly what we claim.

Your Honor, please.

Did you or did you not
enter our peaceful home,

pretending to be a
lover of the zodiac,

and caused this,
this entire mishmash?

Well, I... Answer the question.

Okay, I did.

The defense rests.

Brava! Brava!

Ole, ole, ole.

Wonderful, Tish!

You tore them to
shreds, Morticia.

May I have another word?

Please, speak right up.

Thank you.

Well, in all my 30
years on the bench,

I have never seen a
more preposterous, idiotic,

reprehensible display
of court conduct.

Well, it did start that way,
but you redeemed yourself.

There is only one verdict
possible in this case.

Guilty. Guilty!

Thank you.

But we beg you, be lenient
with the poor lieutenant.

Well, sorry we can't stay
around for the sentencing.

We're double-parked.

You're not going anywhere.

I'm declaring all of you
guilty of the worst contempt

I've ever been subjected to.

If I have my way they'll
reopen Alcatraz just for you.

Isn't that sweet?

Just a minute, Harvey.

I'll have something
to say about this.

Arlene, what are you doing here?

We'll get to that later.

Right now, I demand that you
set aside your stupid verdict.

I'd rather be disbarred.

Why, that old crow's not
only guilty of fraud, she's...

Fraud? Why, she's
positively psychic.

She predicted I'd
end up in jail, and I did.

In jail? That's
right, Your Honor.

Your wife was
picked up on a 412.

Well, you heard my decision.

Harvey.

Case dismissed.

I'm free!

I told you we'd spring you.

Right was on our side.

Right and the judge's wife.

This Zen-Yogi is
wonderful for reading.

So I see.

What is it, Thing?

We would like
some more tea, yes.

Thank you, Thing.

Darling, would you
like your tea now?

Later, my dear.

It's so good to see you
with your law books again.

Say something
legal for me, dear.

Non compos mentis.

Very appropriate.

My dear! Did you know that
armed robbery was illegal?

I'm glad.

But doesn't that make
for unemployment?

Well, no law is perfect.

That's true.

Speaking of law, I wonder whatever
happened to old Judge Saunders.

I can find out, if you
promise not to tell Mama.

I promise.

Thing? You can bring
it out of hiding now.

You're a sly one.

Keeping the
temptation from Mama.

Oh, there he is. I
can see him now.

And he's still a judge.

Supreme court?

County fair.

He deserved the promotion.