The Addams Family (1964–1966): Season 1, Episode 20 - Cousin Itt Visits the Addams Family - full transcript

Parks Commissioner Fiske visits the Addams house seeking contributions for expansion of the city zoo. Gomez believes visiting Cousin Itt - all hairy and gibbering four feet tall of him - would be perfect as the zoo's new curator. He has the two meet, but Commissioner Fisk misunderstands the intent and mistakes Itt for a new exotic animal attraction whom he has hauled away in chains when the others aren't looking. When the family finds out what's happened, Uncle Fester is ready to administer retribution the Addams way - with a bullet from behind.

♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

♪ So get a witch's shawl on



♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

You dance divinely, darling.

Only with you, cara mia.

Mail's in.

I didn't hear anything.

Probably a special
delivery. I'll get it, Lurch.

Thank you, Thing.

Oh, and Thing, that was
very nice castanetting.

You're welcome.

Is it a bill? No, dear.

Oh, well.

It's from Cousin Itt.



Itt? What's he say?

"Arriving Tuesday. Itt."

Ah, some people have
a talent for letter writing.

Dear Cousin Itt.

He does turn a colorful phrase.

Morticia, today is Tuesday.

Cousin Itt? I doubt it.

Itt likes to climb
through the window.

That could be Park
Commissioner Fiske.

Coming here? At 7:30.

6:20.

8:40.

That would make it exactly 7:30.

He's right on time.

Commissioner Fiske.

Well, this is an honor, sir.

My dear, our esteemed
Park Commissioner.

Commissioner, my esteemed wife.

How do you do?

How do you do?

My husband always
speaks so highly of you.

Well, I...

W-W-W-What's that?

That's our Uncle Fester.

He always takes a light with him

when he explores the
tunnels under the house.

That new one Pugsley dug
is just great for banding bats.

I got 20 of the little
furry things already.

Good work, Fester.

Uncle Fester, this is
Park Commissioner Fiske.

I'm glad to know you, Mr...

Park Commissioner?

When are you gonna get rid
of those awful robins and larks

that you have in your parks?

They just keep
chirping and warbling.

Oh.

They do make ghastly sounds.

We can solve that
problem, Commissioner.

Uncle Fester could
lend you his pet hawks.

Clean up the park in one day.

Pet hawks?

Commissioner, what
can we do for you?

Well, uh, as you know, the
city is busily expanding its zoo.

Zoos. Such homey places.

Uh, yes.

Naturally, we depend
on public-spirited citizens

for financial support.

Say no more, Commissioner.

To whom shall I make
it out, Commissioner?

Hmm. Oh, t-t-t-t-the check.

Make it to the City Zoo.

You really ought to slow
down a bit, Commissioner.

You've just started on the job
and already you've got the shakes.

Here you are, sir.

$150,000 and 20 cents.

20 cents?

I threw in your car fare.

Oh, thank you. Thank
you, Uncle Fester.

Thank you, Mrs. Addams.

Thank you, Mr. Addams.

And thank you...

You're quite right, darling.

He should slow down.

Ah, the gay abandon
of the Csardas.

The wild rhythm
of the tambourines.

It sets my Gypsy blood afire.

Darling, you have
no Gypsy blood.

I haven't? I must have a fever.

Nonsense. C'est la dance.

Tish, when you speak
French it really drives me wild.

Mon ami.

That's it. Speak some more.

Bon soir. Ooh, la, la.

Darling, please. There's
someone at the door.

We're married.

Cousin Itt?

Wait here.

Crepe suzettes.

Comme ci, comme
ca. Oui, oui, monsieur.

Keep going. Keep going.

Cousin Itt.

Tell him we're out.

Gomez.

Go on, Tish. Speak some more.

Moulin Rouge. Vive la France!

Cousin Itt?

Show him in, Lurch. Show him in.

Oh, oh. You're too late.

There he goes. Up the wall.

And in through the window.

Good old Itty.

Comfortably settled in the
attic before you can say,

"Sweep out the cobwebs."

The perfect houseguest.

I didn't get the last line.

And then Marie Antoinette says,

"Operator, I've been cut off."

You know, it's not
the joke, though.

It's the way that he tells it.

Fester, you've
never looked better.

Good morning, querida.

Good morning, darling.

Where is everyone?

They're up in Cousin Itt's
room, helping him pack.

He's leaving already?

Just a rolling stone.

I don't know. He seems to
have gathered quite a bit of moss.

I wonder why he's never married.

Obvious. He likes
to play the field.

Maybe if he had a good job.

He's such an amusing fellow.

Perhaps in the field
of entertainment?

An actor? Cousin Itt?

Darling, face it.
He's much too short.

Too short for an actor
and too tall for a producer.

I suppose show business is out.

The Beatles?

No. He'd be too much for them.

Oh, it must be spring.

The vampire bats are
playing around the attic eaves.

It's Cousin Itt. He's been
attracting them in droves.

Dear Itty.

He always did have
a way with bats.

And baby rattlers.

My dear, the new zoo.

Commissioner Fiske once
mentioned needing a new curator.

Do you think he'd
consider Cousin Itt?

Cousin Itt is a zoo type. He is.

If we could only convince
the Commissioner.

He'll listen to reason.

Especially if I threaten
to cancel the check.

I'll call him.

Why, thank you, Thing.

He never gets a wrong number.

Mrs. Addams, this
is indeed a pleasure.

I'm afraid I don't
quite follow you.

Let me put it this way.

The most exciting contribution
we can make to your new zoo

is in our attic right now.

Really? Well,
I'll be right over.

He's on his way over.

Splendid. Cousin Itt's
not leaving just yet.

Are you sure? Positive.

I'm locking him in.

Here we are, Mr. Fiske.

This is the key, Commissioner.

The answer to all your
questions is behind that door.

We'll be waiting
for you downstairs.

Yeah, but, but...

That was a rather
brief encounter.

Say no more, Mrs. Addams.

Say no more. You
were absolutely right.

This is the most
sensational thing

that's ever happened to the zoo.

We knew you'd be impressed.

Oh, I shall be back with
a couple of attendants.

We don't wanna lose him.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, thank
you and thank you.

Uh, excuse me?

Oh, this is the best thing
that ever happened to the zoo.

Oh, uh, there must be some name?

Why, of course, Commissioner.

Itt. Itt?

Itt. Oh, perfect.
Absolutely perfect.

The key to success, querida,

the ability to detect and
choose good manpower.

Cousin Itt must have
really turned on the charm.

Itt's the one that can do it.

And to think, he's coming
back with an escort.

This time I don't blame him.

Cousin Itt is quite a prize.

My dear.

Now, keep those
chains taut, men,

and keep away from his fangs.

You, Smirch. Lurch.

Open that door.

Lurch, the wine goblets.

Please ask
Cousin Itt to join us.

I believe he left with the
gentlemen from the zoo.

Already?

Looks like Cousin Itt's
going to be a pretty busy man.

He was quite tied
up when he left.

To Cousin Itt.

Un momento, querida.

Perfect.

Thank you, Thing.

Oh, Tish, you, you keep
improving with every stroke.

Such sweep.

Such grandeur.

I know just what
you should call it.

What?

Chaos.

Chaos? Darling, that's Mama.

Uh-huh.

Oh, yes, yes. The new hairdo.

That reminds me.

Isn't it about time for Uncle
Fester to come home from the zoo?

Hey!

A-ha.

Ah, there you are.

How did it go, Uncle Fester?

Oh, wonderful. I had
15 bags of popcorn.

What about Cousin Itt?

Oh, I didn't even
see Cousin Itt.

No? No.

You see, he's got
this nice big office

with lots of fancy
ironwork in the front of it.

Boy, you should have seen the
crowd that was waiting outside.

That's Itt. Real
take-charge man.

I couldn't even get near him.

But I did see them
bring him his lunch.

A nice big bunch of bananas.

Smart.

Fresh fruit to ease the
ulcer-producing tensions of big business.

And he'll need it, too.

He's got problems on his hands.

I heard on the car radio that
one of the animals escaped.

Oh?

According to the latest report,

the escaped creature
has been sighted

in the Greenbrier Woodlawn area.

That's our area.

Citizens are urged to lock
and bar all windows and doors.

Take no chances
with this strange beast.

What are we gonna do?

What any normal family would do.

Protect ourselves
as best we can.

A capital suggestion.

Everyone, en garde!

Oh, even when I speak French.

Gomez. Pardon me.

I'll read this again.

"Order of the day.

"Shooting will be confined
to the escaped beast only.

"Not at just
anything that moves."

All right. Who's the culprit?

I guess I panicked.
Lost my head.

It's this awful strain waiting

for that escaped
beast to pounce on us.

Uncle Fester, we're
all in the same boat.

Fester, why don't you make
an inspection trip of all the traps

I've set up through the house?

That'll keep you occupied.

And Fester, if you
start to crack up,

think of Cousin Itt and all the
problems that he's facing now.

I'm so ashamed.

This is rather like being in
the jungle again. Isn't it, dear?

You were wonderful
to have on safari, Tish.

No one could skin a
hippopotamus like you could.

Darling, any
housewife can do that.

You were the remarkable one.

Well.

I'll never forget when
that tiger broke cover

and charged our gun-bearer.

Ah, yes. Dear Ali Casbah.

Quick as a wink and
without a moment's hesitation,

you snapped your gun
to your shoulder and fired.

Bagged ourselves a
wonderful gun-bearer.

Poor Ali. He did
recover quickly, though.

He must get used
to that sort of thing.

Now, what are you going
to do about that, cara mia?

Caramba.

Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

That escaped beast
is preying on my mind.

I just can't concentrate.

Querida, couldn't concentrate?

At the door?

You're a good lookout, Thing.

En garde, my dear.

This may be the beast.

Just a moment.

Oh, that's much better, dear.

There's no one there.

Cousin Itt? What
are you doing here?

You should be at the zoo
taking charge of things.

Isn't that like our dear cousin?

Wanting to be with his loved
ones at our moment of peril.

Very decent of you,
Itt, but it isn't necessary.

If that beast shows up here,
we'll give him a warm welcome.

Well, you might as well
come in and rest up a bit.

"What monster?" he says.

You don't have to spare us, Itt.

We know all about it.

It's a shame it had to happen
your first day on the job.

Itt, stop pretending.

You know what
we're talking about.

Maybe he should
have become an actor.

It's all over the radio.

Our latest report has
the escaped monster

entering the Addams house
on North Cemetery Drive.

Park Commissioner Fiske is
reported racing to the scene. In what...

Follow me.

On second thought,
I'd better follow you.

Gomez, are you sure the
monster is nowhere in the house?

I've searched top and
bottom. No monster.

I'll get it, Lurch.

You look after the children.

This may be the moment of truth.

Darling, what do you mean?

I didn't think you'd ask.

Addams, are you all right?

Tiptop, old man.

It's so sweet of everyone
to be so concerned about us.

I just came here to warn you...

That the beast has been seen
entering our house. Utter nonsense.

Why would it come here?

Oh, well, there is
something about this place.

Thank you.

But we've seen neither
hide nor hair of any monster.

What does the beast look like?

Well, you know perfectly
well what he looks like!

He's about... Well, he's got...

Look out! Look out!
Run for your lives!

The monster!

Where? Where?

There! There!

Oh, that poor man.
He's really got it bad.

Complete crackup. Can't even
recognize his own right-hand man.

He broke out of his cage.

Itt, at this rate it looks as though
you'll have to take over completely.

What? What?

Is that true, Commissioner?

Is what true?

Stop stalling, Commissioner.
You heard him.

Only one thing can prompt an
act like that, Itt. Insane jealousy.

Locking our cousin in jail.

Why, I'll have you broken down
to junior-grade White Wing for this!

Cousin?

Good thing I drew that
check on the wrong bank.

B-B-But...

Commissioner, an
apology is in order.

Apology, my eye.

Will you choose your
burial place and weapon, sir?

Now, Fester, let's
not have any dueling.

That's right. I'll
shoot him in the back.

Would you please
turn around, sir?

Wait a minute.
W-Will you stop him?

This must be settled
with honor, Fester.

All right, give him a blindfold.

Uncle Fester, he must
be given a fair chance.

Very well, Mr. Commissioner,
I'll give you a fair chance.

I get a shot, then
you get a shot.

Now, about face!

No, no, Uncle Fester,
there will be no shooting.

It does disturb the neighbors.

I'll call the mayor.

Oh, no. No, no, please,
not the mayor, I beg of you.

Very well, we'll forget the
mayor. I'll call the governor.

See? Even Thing's indignant.

What? What?

You liked being in a cage?

Then why did you run away?

Oh, well, that makes sense.

He wanted to pick up
his military hairbrushes.

Commissioner, I'm afraid
our apology is in order.

I'll send you another check as soon
as I recall what bank my money's in.

Forget the apology,
forget the check.

Just let me out of here.

I 'm afraid we cannot permit
Cousin Itt to accompany you.

The work is very healthy, but
it's unbecoming of an Addams.

Well, in case you
change your mind,

I'll reserve a cage for him.

In fact, I'll reserve
cages for all of you!

Cages for all of us?

I'm not sure I'd like that.

Of course not, darling.

We'll insist on one
big family cage.

Good morning, Lurch.

Cara mia.

Good morning, darling.

Did you sleep well?

I had the funniest nightmare.

You do look nice and rested.

Not tripe of salamander?

With hard sauce.

The perfect breakfast.

We Interrupt with a
special announcement.

An hour ago a dangerous
creature broke out of the city zoo.

When last seen, the
monster was heading

for the Greenbrier
Woodlawn area.

That's us again.

Shall I bolt the
windows and doors?

Nonsense, it's probably
another relative.

Better set another place.

Oh, and, Lurch, bring a
nice big bunch of bananas.