That Mitchell and Webb Look (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript
Truly, this is an historic day.
Their Gracious Majesties' confidence
in humble Columbus is vindicated.
There is a western route to the Indies,
and therefore I hereby name
these islands the West Indies.
Er... East Indies.
- What
- East Indies, surely?
What are you talking about? We sailed
west to find them, to the west of us.
Therefore they're the West Indies.
But I thought we were proving
that the world is a globe,
so if these truly are the Indies,
which is something I'd like to talk
to you about at some point...
Assuming they are the Indies,
then they must be the East Indies,
the most easterly point of the Indies,
do you see?
- Do you see this?
- It's your hat.
- What kind of hat?
- A captain's hat.
- And what does that make me?
- Captain.
Yes, it does.
And what does that make these?
- The West Indies?
- Bingo.
Lovely to see you. Thanks for coming.
Lovely to see you.
- Hi. Congratulations. Well done.
- Thanks, Martin.
I won't gabble on, because this is your
day and you've got all these people,
but I'm really sorry
about your dad, Helen.
Oh. Well, yeah, thanks.
I was shocked when I heard the news.
I didn't know he was ill. Bloody hell!
Never mind that now. Well, mind that,
but this is your big day. I got you a card.
- Will you put it...
- It's not a wedding card.
It's a "Sorry Your Dad's Dead" card.
Which I am. I'm moving on
with all these lovely people.
And Mike, here's a "Congratulations
On Your Engagement" card.
- Well, better late than never.
- Exactly.
And I'm sorry she dumped you.
But she didn't!
So I think we're up to date now.
Oh, this is for if you have a child.
And this is for if it dies.
Well, I'll pop off now.
This is your big day
and you don't need me going on
and on and on and on and on...
- I've got cancer, but listen...
- What?
That's nothing to do with it.
I don't see you very often,
so I thought I'd strike while...
- Is it serious? Are you all right?
- I'm completely... (Mouths)
Don't worry. Look at all these people,
I'm holding everything up. Oh, God!
- Is there anything we can do?
- No. No. No. No. No.
Seriously, I'm as happy as Larry, really.
So look. Um... If I don't see you again,
I mean, ever again,
then have a bloody good one.
Lovely service. Great service.
(# Fanfare)
(Narrator) 'Good morning, housewives
and layabouts of the Empire.
'This is television talking in your head.
'Welcome to the first experimental
broadcast during the day.
'Or as we call it, Elevenses Television.
But first, the King.'
(Camp voice) You're watching
television. Stay tuned!
Tomorrow, another chance to catch
footage of Hitler's corpse,
Pictures of the charred remains of Hitler
are accompanied by Vera Lynn B-sides.
Now a new conversation programme
hosted by Mrs Patricia Wilberforce,
"The Mrs Patricia Wilberforce
Programme".
(# Swing jazz plays over dialogue)
Good morning,
ladies and the war-wounded.
My name is Mrs Patricia Wilberforce.
Today we will be discussing real-life
sticky situations, as much as is seemly.
My first guest is Mr Albert Compton,
whose wife claims he tends
to behave in an inappropriate manner.
(AII whisper)
(Tutting)
- Mr Compton, do be seated.
- I don't like to make a fuss.
He's always like this.
Sorry, we'll have to stop it there,
as Mrs Compton has said, "Fuck!"
Oh, I do beg your pardon, viewers.
She didn't say "Fuck!" after all.
Thank you, Mr and Mrs Albert Compton.
My next guest
is Miss Margaret Blighton.
Following an incident in the black-out,
she's got herself in the family way.
(Audience boo and hiss)
I speak for all of us when I say that
I hope her unfortunate fiancé
insists on a deoxyribonucleic acid test
when the little bastard is whelped.
(Man) Hear, hear!
Join me next time on the "Mrs Patricia
Wilberforce Programme"
when I'll be telling the shocking story
of Mrs Elsie Taylor,
who freely admits to taking
two sherries before dinner,
and whom I shall have imprisoned
for delinquency. Goodbye.
(Narrator) 'Are you uncouth?
'Our researchers would like
to make your acquaintance.
'Telephone us on Mayfair-426
and state your business.'
Morning, Horse. How are you?
Are we OK?
I know a lot of things got said yesterday.
I've had a lot on my mind.
I'm sure you have, but um...
I think we both overreacted.
You look well.
I can understand you aren't
in a very good mood with me,
what with all the fallings-outs
and whatnot,
which is why... Ta-dah!
It's all right, it's not a gun.
Joke, joke!
Which is why I thought I could
cheer us up with a song... which I wrote.
Feel free to join in at any point.
# You are not alone
# I am here with you #
Join in.
# Though we're far apart #
Any time now.
# You're always in my heart #
Come on, Horse.
# You are not alone #
After me!
# I am... #
All right, forget it! Just forget it!
I mean, what was it?
Was it the gun joke?
It was a joke!
Have you got a sense of humour?
Why is it always me
with the peace pipe?
I'm always the one
carrying the white flag!
It was a joke!
So, Sir Walter,
the New World's at our feet.
Have you given any thought
as to what to call it?
We shall name it of course
after our beloved queen.
Yes, of course. Sorry.
Let it pass and hail to this glorious land,
Virginia!
- Er...
- What?
- Who's Virginia?
- The Queen of England, you dog!
Oh, right. Except...
I don't know how to put this.
She's not called Virginia, but Elizabeth.
I'm well aware of that, but she is,
I trust you will agree, a virgin.
Er... Yeah, as far as I know.
I mean, I'm sure she is.
But do we want to name a country
after that fact?
- Why not?
- It seems a bit rude.
Rude? How so?
To other nations, bringing up the fact
she's never done it, it seems personal.
They might not want to know.
OK, well... Maybe I'll think about it.
Oh! Hang on. Remind me.
- Who's the captain?
- You are.
- And whose boat is it?
- Your boat.
- Who decides what to call, you know...
- You do.
- Do I?
- Yes.
- Do I really?
- Yes.
Welcome to Virginia!
Can I just take this out?
(Clears throat)
- Oh. Can I reserve "Cold Mountain"?
- No.
- Pardon?
- I said no.
I won't reserve that for you.
This is far more appropriate.
I know it's silly.
I thought I'd read some...
God-awful rubbish like you always do?
I'd steer clear of "Cold Mountain"
if I were you.
It's not like when you watch it on DVD
with your girlfriends.
There's no dishy Jude Law to hold
your hand through the difficult prose.
- What?
- Yes, it's all words.
Most of them longer than the ones
you'd find in your copy of "Top Santé".
- I...
- Or "Grazia".
Look at that.
That's a comprehensive list of all
the depressing books you've taken out.
- You know what that tells me?
- No.
It tells me you're possibly the dullest,
most dunderheaded female
ever to scrape together
the mental wherewithal correctly
to fill in a library application form.
- Did you have help?
- Did I what?
Ssh! This is a library.
Just look at it. It's like the reading list
of the University of Thick.
I went to Warwick!
When you talk to people,
do they do this a lot?
"Uh-huh, yeah, fine.
Uh-huh, yeah, mmm."
- I...
- It's because they're not listening.
When your friends see you,
they're doing you a favour.
You're like a charity to them.
It's their way of giving something back.
Basically, you're like him.
I'm making my donation now.
- I don't believe this.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
- What gives you the right?
- Uh-huh.
It's difficult for you to grasp.
You're a real idiot.
Possibly one of the stupidest people
I've ever met.
And I lived in Leatherhead
for six miserable years.
I'm bored just looking at you.
You with your grey face
and your dead eyes.
- (Yawns)
- But...
Bored!
Are you still here, you soporific dullard?
You're right.
- It's all true. My friends hate me.
- There, there.
- What can I do?
- Yes, what to do? What to do?
What to do?
(Gasps) I've had a little thought.
What?
How about a little date? Hmm?
Just you and me,
out and about on a little date.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Yes, I'd like that.
I think I'd like to go on a little date
with you.
Do you think that would be all right?
Yes, a little date would suit me...
...just fine.
No, I can't do Thursday.
I'm making a documentary.
- What documentary?
- About the Battle of Stalingrad.
- Since when?
- They asked me ages ago.
- Why didn't they ask me?
- Probably didn't think it was your thing.
My th... It could be my thing.
I could make a documentary.
Learn your lines and look like
you know what you're doing.
I know. It's good, isn't it?
In this case, I actually know a lot
about the Battle of Stalingrad.
- Cos you've read "Stalingrad"?
- Not just that.
And you played a character
who'd read "Stalingrad"?
So they get someone who's
not only pretending to read a book
but has also read a book?
That is definitely not how it works.
...causing untold loss of life and
destroying several major buildings.
If you've just joined us, the breaking
news is that everything's fine
after a major incident.
Let's go over now live
to our reporter Eric Turner
at the scene
where everything's now fine.
The news we're getting
from the security services
is that everything's fine
and back to normal.
As you can see,
behind me everything is now fine.
Ignore the smoke from the explosion,
because as I say, everything's fine now.
Have there been any fatalities?
Nobody's dying, everything's fine.
There have been recent deaths, but
that's over now and everything's fine.
The death toll is not rising.
Everyone's either dead already
or still alive like normal.
Hang on, I'm just hearing that someone
else has died but everything's fine now.
Thank you, Eric.
In other news, everything's fine
in Shropshire after major flooding.
The Mayor of Shrewsbury
described the situation
as "OK, apart from the water
everywhere which will go after a bit."
The hunt for the Aberdeen
serial killer goes on
but the investigating officer said,
"Everything's fine almost the whole time,
"apart from the small interludes during
which the killer is murdering someone."
So that all sounds pretty much fine.
And now over to Karen with your emails.
Thank you, Tim.
Most of your emails have been
about how everything's fine.
This is from John in London.
"Came out of nowhere, huge bang, sky
lit-up red, then it was all fine again."
Julie in Coventry described how
"everything was fine
once my clothes stopped being on fire."
And Arthur from The Wirral
sums up the situation by saying,
"Those of us left alive
are all fine." Thank you, Tim.
Time for a look at tomorrow's papers.
The Telegraph leads with, "Fineness
resumed after major incident".
The Guardian goes with,
"Major tragedy forms grizzly backdrop
to general OK-ness."
The Sun headline simply reads, "Fine".
The Mirror, "OK".
And the Daily Mail,
"Everything's fine. Fear it, fear it!"
Jerry, I think I've got something.
What is it, Mike?
It's very similar to a jewellery box
I found in Nîmes in '86.
The sort of thing a Roman governor's
wife might have owned.
My God!
It's a video tape.
This is incredible.
This is the single most important
archaeological discovery ever made.
The Romans had video technology.
Here we go.
(Speaks Latin)
Latin, as spoken
by an actual ancient Roman.
(Jerry) What's she saying?
I think she's saying, "Turn that off,
I haven't got my face on."
The man filming is saying,
"Give us a kiss, darling."
Astonishing.
Ah, now, he's very senior.
I think he must be a senator.
(Moans)
And Jerry and I were particularly
excited by this bit.
So the toga is not only a practical item
of clothing, given their climate.
It also allows the Roman citizen
to change discreetly
into his swimming trunks.
Ah!
And there we are.
All 106 minutes of it.
I have my problems with this.
For instance, here,
my research suggests
that a centurion would not have worn
a scabbard that length.
Well, actually,
a scabbard of exactly that length
dating from exactly this period
was found in Turkey.
That's completely
cleared up my reservations.
Gentlemen, surely the big thing
we all seem to be ignoring is...
- How do they wear the tunics?
- Precisely.
(AII chatter)
Hold on! Have you all gone mad?
- This is a video tape.
- An ancient Roman tape. Well done!
The Romans didn't have video tapes.
It's made of plastic. Plastic
wasn't invented till the 1950s.
I find it incredible that
this has been allowed to get this far.
I am genuinely ashamed
to be part of this faculty.
Of course. Simon's quite right, I...
I should've realised
it was too good to be true.
I must seem very foolish to you all.
I hope you're pleased with yourself,
Simon.
He's put his whole life
into this department.
And you sit there
and destroy everything he's worked for
without a moment's thought.
You must feel very proud
of yourself, Simon!
Well done!
Well, I'm not saying it's...
completely impossible.
I mean, the ancient Egyptians
had... brain surgery.
Really, Simon?
Yeah, and um...
And there's some evidence
that the ancient Egyptians had...
...batteries as well.
- Great.
- (Woman) Right, then.
I think we should go public with this.
But it means everyone here stating
their professional reputation on that?
Are you all prepared to do it?
Simon, you had reservations.
Are you sure you're happy?
Um... Yeah.
Yeah, so... let's go for it.
(Mouths)
He was saying to me, "What is this
mysterious place, Sarah, or whatever?"
I was like, "Yes, it is good."
But then he asked all these questions
about cars, power stations,
and mobile phones.
It was awful cos I had no idea
how any of them worked.
Which meant his journey
through time had been wasted.
Which meant
he was a bloody nerd, Ray.
The only guy to travel through time
from the 17th century,
or the Victorian era, or whatever,
turns to be a massive spod.
- And then you woke up?
- What?
Did you wake up at that realisation?
It wasn't a dream. This all happened.
I wondered why you were seeming
so under whelmed.
I thought it might be sang-froid.
I'll give you a tick.
You're not doing too well
on "disingenuous", Colin.
No. No, I'm not.
Ray, no! That doesn't count
as using it, Ray!
- Why not?
- Cos you're quoting the chart.
You made me put a quid in a fuck jar
for calling it a fuck jar
rather than for actually saying "Fuck".
That was a quote!
That should be three quid!
No, Colin. We've bought the soda
stream now, that's over.
I think your efforts to avoid
passing comment
on the remarkable fact
that I've chatted to a time traveller
are now bordering on the ludicrous.
- I suppose it's that I don't believe you.
- Right.
It's like those guys with
"The end is nigh" sandwich boards on.
They must be constantly amazed
by how calm everyone's reaction
to the news seems to be.
It gives them respect
for the world they think is about to end.
"These," they must think
as everyone ignores them,
"are good people to have
around you in a crisis."
Until they see people's reactions
to one solitary princess
dying in a car crash.
They suddenly realise
no one's been believing them.
Yes, indeed.
Mass suicide of The-End-is-Nighsters
in the wake of Diana's death
is about the only unsung element
left of that tragedy.
- Who's the cappuccino?
- Mine!
You sent him out for coffees?
So the latte must be yours.
You sent a time traveller out for coffee?
At last, finally, I get a rise out of you.
The contraption which created this was
enthralling so I apologise for the delay.
Told you he was a nerd.
Where do they get the idea
you're the clever one?
- You're not as clever as you think.
- Neither are you.
Yes, but at least I know I'm not.
What? You know
you're not as clever as you think?
Yes, unlike you.
- How clever do you think you are?
- Very.
And how clever do you know
you are really?
Well, less clever than that.
You've laid some kind of trap!
So to recap, what's good
about you as opposed to me,
is you know you're less clever
than you think you are.
That's morally healthy,
whereas my opinion of my intelligence,
as flawed an evaluation
as anyone's could be,
is deemed unreliable
because of its subjective consistency.
You see why you never get laid,
don't you?
What news, Number One?
Captain, the Lord has delivered us
to a truly wondrous land.
Lashed subtropical plains
stretching as far as the eye can see.
It's 90 degrees in the shade
though it's November.
There are herds
of seven-foot creatures
bouncing across the landscape
at tremendous speed.
Yes! Do you know
where it reminds me of?
Wales.
- Wales? Really, sir?
- Oh, yes. Don't you think?
What, the vast terra incognito
with fauna and flora
hitherto undreamt of by sights puts you
in mind of nothing so much as Rhyl?
No, of course not. Not North Wales.
That's ridiculous!
There's nothing like North Wales.
No, South Wales of course!
- The resemblance is uncanny!
- Right.
Does this mean you're gonna name it
what I think you're gonna name it?
Well, I don't know.
- Remind me. Who's the captain?
- You are.
And who's got the captain's hat,
the captain's table,
the captain's cabin
and the captain's log?
You have all of them, sir.
Well, I'll tell you what.
You're an ambitious man.
Why don't you decide what we call it?
I think we should call it...
...New South Wales.
Good name!
- Hi, guys. How are you?
- Oh, not bad, Anita. Good to see you.
Terry, this is Gary and Michelle.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Gary works from home as well,
don't you?
Oh, er... You've given up the nine to five
as well then, Terry?
- I've only been doing it a few months.
- Takes a bit of getting used to.
I'll leave you boys to it. Michelle,
there's some people I want you to meet.
So have you er... you know?
- What?
- You know...
Got past the wanking stage yet?
- I beg your pardon?
- Don't pretend.
- You've got that look in your eye.
- I don't know what you're...
Does it get any easier?
You've just got to learn to control it.
I'd wake up with the best of intentions,
streamline my business plan,
market research, but...
Within half an hour of the wife leaving,
you're on the Internet!
I mean, the first month,
I did it so often I couldn't sit down.
We've all been there.
It's getting harder to tell Anita why I'm
not making progress with the business.
I can't tell her that instead
of phoning potential clients
I'm just frantically wanking off
over the most mildly arousing image
on daytime TV.
You've just got to learn
to timetable it properly.
- Really?
- It's like a reward system.
You make a good phone call,
have a wank to celebrate.
- It works for me.
- Sounds like a good idea.
I nearly wanked the whole business
away a couple of years ago.
I had to claw it back from the brink.
What are you boys colluding over?
No. Er... Gary was just giving me
some good advice
about working from home, keeping the
books, allotting your time effectively.
He should be telling you
how to reign in the wanking.
At home all day,
I know what I'd be doing.
- Hi.
- Of course they're real flamingos!
Sorry. I mean... do you want
a season ticket or a family ticket?
Season tickets are £500
and they're very popular.
Um... Just a family ticket, please.
Very well, that'll be £35.
Follow the signs.
Tickets, please.
No binoculars.
I can hardly see anything.
Can't we get closer?
I advise you not to cross that line
for your own safety.
The flamingos are very unpredictable.
- Oh, this is ridiculous.
- No, don't go!
Stop him, for God's sake!
- Afternoon.
- Lovely day.
- Yeah, are you...
- Fancy a cocktail?
- Well, I...
- It's a daiquiri.
- That's really nice.
- Look, your clothes are all wet.
- What are you, a 38?
- Yeah, but...
Oh, come on. At least try it on.
Yes, that's nice.
Do you like the music
of Bruce Springsteen?
- Er... Actually, yes, I do.
- Yes, I love a bit of The Boss.
I saw him in Philadelphia once.
Really? That must have been amazing.
Mummy? Is Daddy coming back?
A season ticket is £500.
Look, I'm sorry I said the thing
about you... not having sex very often.
I'm sure you get up to all sorts
and just don't tell me about it.
Well, as a matter of fact,
that's all been going quite well, actually.
Really? Sorry. Really.
Yes, let's just say
there's been quite a lot of...
...pussy action.
- David!
See you at Marco's tonight, David?
- Wey-hey!
- Wey-hey!
See you there, James.
What? Are you going to some kind
of sex place with him?
It's not a sex place, it's a unisex nudist
sauna. It's all perfectly friendly.
- It sounds friendly.
- What is your problem?
- Why are you going with him?
- On my own, I might get horribly raped.
He's a big guy and you're married.
I could have gone out with you
looking for women before I was married.
- You were in a long-term relationship.
- Before her!
- You were in a long-term relationship.
- Before her.
- You were in a long-term relationship.
- Before him.
- You were in a long-term relationship.
- They weren't.
- You still didn't talk to me much.
- That didn't count. Before them.
- Before them, we hadn't met.
- (Snorts)
All right, fine. Well, you go
and have fun with loads of women.
Well, I... sort of... might.
While I have fun with one excellent
and very, very sexy woman
for... the rest of my life.
Good for you.
- You do know about condoms.
- Oh, for God's...
Well, he won't explain it!
Greenland?
Whatever!
Their Gracious Majesties' confidence
in humble Columbus is vindicated.
There is a western route to the Indies,
and therefore I hereby name
these islands the West Indies.
Er... East Indies.
- What
- East Indies, surely?
What are you talking about? We sailed
west to find them, to the west of us.
Therefore they're the West Indies.
But I thought we were proving
that the world is a globe,
so if these truly are the Indies,
which is something I'd like to talk
to you about at some point...
Assuming they are the Indies,
then they must be the East Indies,
the most easterly point of the Indies,
do you see?
- Do you see this?
- It's your hat.
- What kind of hat?
- A captain's hat.
- And what does that make me?
- Captain.
Yes, it does.
And what does that make these?
- The West Indies?
- Bingo.
Lovely to see you. Thanks for coming.
Lovely to see you.
- Hi. Congratulations. Well done.
- Thanks, Martin.
I won't gabble on, because this is your
day and you've got all these people,
but I'm really sorry
about your dad, Helen.
Oh. Well, yeah, thanks.
I was shocked when I heard the news.
I didn't know he was ill. Bloody hell!
Never mind that now. Well, mind that,
but this is your big day. I got you a card.
- Will you put it...
- It's not a wedding card.
It's a "Sorry Your Dad's Dead" card.
Which I am. I'm moving on
with all these lovely people.
And Mike, here's a "Congratulations
On Your Engagement" card.
- Well, better late than never.
- Exactly.
And I'm sorry she dumped you.
But she didn't!
So I think we're up to date now.
Oh, this is for if you have a child.
And this is for if it dies.
Well, I'll pop off now.
This is your big day
and you don't need me going on
and on and on and on and on...
- I've got cancer, but listen...
- What?
That's nothing to do with it.
I don't see you very often,
so I thought I'd strike while...
- Is it serious? Are you all right?
- I'm completely... (Mouths)
Don't worry. Look at all these people,
I'm holding everything up. Oh, God!
- Is there anything we can do?
- No. No. No. No. No.
Seriously, I'm as happy as Larry, really.
So look. Um... If I don't see you again,
I mean, ever again,
then have a bloody good one.
Lovely service. Great service.
(# Fanfare)
(Narrator) 'Good morning, housewives
and layabouts of the Empire.
'This is television talking in your head.
'Welcome to the first experimental
broadcast during the day.
'Or as we call it, Elevenses Television.
But first, the King.'
(Camp voice) You're watching
television. Stay tuned!
Tomorrow, another chance to catch
footage of Hitler's corpse,
Pictures of the charred remains of Hitler
are accompanied by Vera Lynn B-sides.
Now a new conversation programme
hosted by Mrs Patricia Wilberforce,
"The Mrs Patricia Wilberforce
Programme".
(# Swing jazz plays over dialogue)
Good morning,
ladies and the war-wounded.
My name is Mrs Patricia Wilberforce.
Today we will be discussing real-life
sticky situations, as much as is seemly.
My first guest is Mr Albert Compton,
whose wife claims he tends
to behave in an inappropriate manner.
(AII whisper)
(Tutting)
- Mr Compton, do be seated.
- I don't like to make a fuss.
He's always like this.
Sorry, we'll have to stop it there,
as Mrs Compton has said, "Fuck!"
Oh, I do beg your pardon, viewers.
She didn't say "Fuck!" after all.
Thank you, Mr and Mrs Albert Compton.
My next guest
is Miss Margaret Blighton.
Following an incident in the black-out,
she's got herself in the family way.
(Audience boo and hiss)
I speak for all of us when I say that
I hope her unfortunate fiancé
insists on a deoxyribonucleic acid test
when the little bastard is whelped.
(Man) Hear, hear!
Join me next time on the "Mrs Patricia
Wilberforce Programme"
when I'll be telling the shocking story
of Mrs Elsie Taylor,
who freely admits to taking
two sherries before dinner,
and whom I shall have imprisoned
for delinquency. Goodbye.
(Narrator) 'Are you uncouth?
'Our researchers would like
to make your acquaintance.
'Telephone us on Mayfair-426
and state your business.'
Morning, Horse. How are you?
Are we OK?
I know a lot of things got said yesterday.
I've had a lot on my mind.
I'm sure you have, but um...
I think we both overreacted.
You look well.
I can understand you aren't
in a very good mood with me,
what with all the fallings-outs
and whatnot,
which is why... Ta-dah!
It's all right, it's not a gun.
Joke, joke!
Which is why I thought I could
cheer us up with a song... which I wrote.
Feel free to join in at any point.
# You are not alone
# I am here with you #
Join in.
# Though we're far apart #
Any time now.
# You're always in my heart #
Come on, Horse.
# You are not alone #
After me!
# I am... #
All right, forget it! Just forget it!
I mean, what was it?
Was it the gun joke?
It was a joke!
Have you got a sense of humour?
Why is it always me
with the peace pipe?
I'm always the one
carrying the white flag!
It was a joke!
So, Sir Walter,
the New World's at our feet.
Have you given any thought
as to what to call it?
We shall name it of course
after our beloved queen.
Yes, of course. Sorry.
Let it pass and hail to this glorious land,
Virginia!
- Er...
- What?
- Who's Virginia?
- The Queen of England, you dog!
Oh, right. Except...
I don't know how to put this.
She's not called Virginia, but Elizabeth.
I'm well aware of that, but she is,
I trust you will agree, a virgin.
Er... Yeah, as far as I know.
I mean, I'm sure she is.
But do we want to name a country
after that fact?
- Why not?
- It seems a bit rude.
Rude? How so?
To other nations, bringing up the fact
she's never done it, it seems personal.
They might not want to know.
OK, well... Maybe I'll think about it.
Oh! Hang on. Remind me.
- Who's the captain?
- You are.
- And whose boat is it?
- Your boat.
- Who decides what to call, you know...
- You do.
- Do I?
- Yes.
- Do I really?
- Yes.
Welcome to Virginia!
Can I just take this out?
(Clears throat)
- Oh. Can I reserve "Cold Mountain"?
- No.
- Pardon?
- I said no.
I won't reserve that for you.
This is far more appropriate.
I know it's silly.
I thought I'd read some...
God-awful rubbish like you always do?
I'd steer clear of "Cold Mountain"
if I were you.
It's not like when you watch it on DVD
with your girlfriends.
There's no dishy Jude Law to hold
your hand through the difficult prose.
- What?
- Yes, it's all words.
Most of them longer than the ones
you'd find in your copy of "Top Santé".
- I...
- Or "Grazia".
Look at that.
That's a comprehensive list of all
the depressing books you've taken out.
- You know what that tells me?
- No.
It tells me you're possibly the dullest,
most dunderheaded female
ever to scrape together
the mental wherewithal correctly
to fill in a library application form.
- Did you have help?
- Did I what?
Ssh! This is a library.
Just look at it. It's like the reading list
of the University of Thick.
I went to Warwick!
When you talk to people,
do they do this a lot?
"Uh-huh, yeah, fine.
Uh-huh, yeah, mmm."
- I...
- It's because they're not listening.
When your friends see you,
they're doing you a favour.
You're like a charity to them.
It's their way of giving something back.
Basically, you're like him.
I'm making my donation now.
- I don't believe this.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
- What gives you the right?
- Uh-huh.
It's difficult for you to grasp.
You're a real idiot.
Possibly one of the stupidest people
I've ever met.
And I lived in Leatherhead
for six miserable years.
I'm bored just looking at you.
You with your grey face
and your dead eyes.
- (Yawns)
- But...
Bored!
Are you still here, you soporific dullard?
You're right.
- It's all true. My friends hate me.
- There, there.
- What can I do?
- Yes, what to do? What to do?
What to do?
(Gasps) I've had a little thought.
What?
How about a little date? Hmm?
Just you and me,
out and about on a little date.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Yes, I'd like that.
I think I'd like to go on a little date
with you.
Do you think that would be all right?
Yes, a little date would suit me...
...just fine.
No, I can't do Thursday.
I'm making a documentary.
- What documentary?
- About the Battle of Stalingrad.
- Since when?
- They asked me ages ago.
- Why didn't they ask me?
- Probably didn't think it was your thing.
My th... It could be my thing.
I could make a documentary.
Learn your lines and look like
you know what you're doing.
I know. It's good, isn't it?
In this case, I actually know a lot
about the Battle of Stalingrad.
- Cos you've read "Stalingrad"?
- Not just that.
And you played a character
who'd read "Stalingrad"?
So they get someone who's
not only pretending to read a book
but has also read a book?
That is definitely not how it works.
...causing untold loss of life and
destroying several major buildings.
If you've just joined us, the breaking
news is that everything's fine
after a major incident.
Let's go over now live
to our reporter Eric Turner
at the scene
where everything's now fine.
The news we're getting
from the security services
is that everything's fine
and back to normal.
As you can see,
behind me everything is now fine.
Ignore the smoke from the explosion,
because as I say, everything's fine now.
Have there been any fatalities?
Nobody's dying, everything's fine.
There have been recent deaths, but
that's over now and everything's fine.
The death toll is not rising.
Everyone's either dead already
or still alive like normal.
Hang on, I'm just hearing that someone
else has died but everything's fine now.
Thank you, Eric.
In other news, everything's fine
in Shropshire after major flooding.
The Mayor of Shrewsbury
described the situation
as "OK, apart from the water
everywhere which will go after a bit."
The hunt for the Aberdeen
serial killer goes on
but the investigating officer said,
"Everything's fine almost the whole time,
"apart from the small interludes during
which the killer is murdering someone."
So that all sounds pretty much fine.
And now over to Karen with your emails.
Thank you, Tim.
Most of your emails have been
about how everything's fine.
This is from John in London.
"Came out of nowhere, huge bang, sky
lit-up red, then it was all fine again."
Julie in Coventry described how
"everything was fine
once my clothes stopped being on fire."
And Arthur from The Wirral
sums up the situation by saying,
"Those of us left alive
are all fine." Thank you, Tim.
Time for a look at tomorrow's papers.
The Telegraph leads with, "Fineness
resumed after major incident".
The Guardian goes with,
"Major tragedy forms grizzly backdrop
to general OK-ness."
The Sun headline simply reads, "Fine".
The Mirror, "OK".
And the Daily Mail,
"Everything's fine. Fear it, fear it!"
Jerry, I think I've got something.
What is it, Mike?
It's very similar to a jewellery box
I found in Nîmes in '86.
The sort of thing a Roman governor's
wife might have owned.
My God!
It's a video tape.
This is incredible.
This is the single most important
archaeological discovery ever made.
The Romans had video technology.
Here we go.
(Speaks Latin)
Latin, as spoken
by an actual ancient Roman.
(Jerry) What's she saying?
I think she's saying, "Turn that off,
I haven't got my face on."
The man filming is saying,
"Give us a kiss, darling."
Astonishing.
Ah, now, he's very senior.
I think he must be a senator.
(Moans)
And Jerry and I were particularly
excited by this bit.
So the toga is not only a practical item
of clothing, given their climate.
It also allows the Roman citizen
to change discreetly
into his swimming trunks.
Ah!
And there we are.
All 106 minutes of it.
I have my problems with this.
For instance, here,
my research suggests
that a centurion would not have worn
a scabbard that length.
Well, actually,
a scabbard of exactly that length
dating from exactly this period
was found in Turkey.
That's completely
cleared up my reservations.
Gentlemen, surely the big thing
we all seem to be ignoring is...
- How do they wear the tunics?
- Precisely.
(AII chatter)
Hold on! Have you all gone mad?
- This is a video tape.
- An ancient Roman tape. Well done!
The Romans didn't have video tapes.
It's made of plastic. Plastic
wasn't invented till the 1950s.
I find it incredible that
this has been allowed to get this far.
I am genuinely ashamed
to be part of this faculty.
Of course. Simon's quite right, I...
I should've realised
it was too good to be true.
I must seem very foolish to you all.
I hope you're pleased with yourself,
Simon.
He's put his whole life
into this department.
And you sit there
and destroy everything he's worked for
without a moment's thought.
You must feel very proud
of yourself, Simon!
Well done!
Well, I'm not saying it's...
completely impossible.
I mean, the ancient Egyptians
had... brain surgery.
Really, Simon?
Yeah, and um...
And there's some evidence
that the ancient Egyptians had...
...batteries as well.
- Great.
- (Woman) Right, then.
I think we should go public with this.
But it means everyone here stating
their professional reputation on that?
Are you all prepared to do it?
Simon, you had reservations.
Are you sure you're happy?
Um... Yeah.
Yeah, so... let's go for it.
(Mouths)
He was saying to me, "What is this
mysterious place, Sarah, or whatever?"
I was like, "Yes, it is good."
But then he asked all these questions
about cars, power stations,
and mobile phones.
It was awful cos I had no idea
how any of them worked.
Which meant his journey
through time had been wasted.
Which meant
he was a bloody nerd, Ray.
The only guy to travel through time
from the 17th century,
or the Victorian era, or whatever,
turns to be a massive spod.
- And then you woke up?
- What?
Did you wake up at that realisation?
It wasn't a dream. This all happened.
I wondered why you were seeming
so under whelmed.
I thought it might be sang-froid.
I'll give you a tick.
You're not doing too well
on "disingenuous", Colin.
No. No, I'm not.
Ray, no! That doesn't count
as using it, Ray!
- Why not?
- Cos you're quoting the chart.
You made me put a quid in a fuck jar
for calling it a fuck jar
rather than for actually saying "Fuck".
That was a quote!
That should be three quid!
No, Colin. We've bought the soda
stream now, that's over.
I think your efforts to avoid
passing comment
on the remarkable fact
that I've chatted to a time traveller
are now bordering on the ludicrous.
- I suppose it's that I don't believe you.
- Right.
It's like those guys with
"The end is nigh" sandwich boards on.
They must be constantly amazed
by how calm everyone's reaction
to the news seems to be.
It gives them respect
for the world they think is about to end.
"These," they must think
as everyone ignores them,
"are good people to have
around you in a crisis."
Until they see people's reactions
to one solitary princess
dying in a car crash.
They suddenly realise
no one's been believing them.
Yes, indeed.
Mass suicide of The-End-is-Nighsters
in the wake of Diana's death
is about the only unsung element
left of that tragedy.
- Who's the cappuccino?
- Mine!
You sent him out for coffees?
So the latte must be yours.
You sent a time traveller out for coffee?
At last, finally, I get a rise out of you.
The contraption which created this was
enthralling so I apologise for the delay.
Told you he was a nerd.
Where do they get the idea
you're the clever one?
- You're not as clever as you think.
- Neither are you.
Yes, but at least I know I'm not.
What? You know
you're not as clever as you think?
Yes, unlike you.
- How clever do you think you are?
- Very.
And how clever do you know
you are really?
Well, less clever than that.
You've laid some kind of trap!
So to recap, what's good
about you as opposed to me,
is you know you're less clever
than you think you are.
That's morally healthy,
whereas my opinion of my intelligence,
as flawed an evaluation
as anyone's could be,
is deemed unreliable
because of its subjective consistency.
You see why you never get laid,
don't you?
What news, Number One?
Captain, the Lord has delivered us
to a truly wondrous land.
Lashed subtropical plains
stretching as far as the eye can see.
It's 90 degrees in the shade
though it's November.
There are herds
of seven-foot creatures
bouncing across the landscape
at tremendous speed.
Yes! Do you know
where it reminds me of?
Wales.
- Wales? Really, sir?
- Oh, yes. Don't you think?
What, the vast terra incognito
with fauna and flora
hitherto undreamt of by sights puts you
in mind of nothing so much as Rhyl?
No, of course not. Not North Wales.
That's ridiculous!
There's nothing like North Wales.
No, South Wales of course!
- The resemblance is uncanny!
- Right.
Does this mean you're gonna name it
what I think you're gonna name it?
Well, I don't know.
- Remind me. Who's the captain?
- You are.
And who's got the captain's hat,
the captain's table,
the captain's cabin
and the captain's log?
You have all of them, sir.
Well, I'll tell you what.
You're an ambitious man.
Why don't you decide what we call it?
I think we should call it...
...New South Wales.
Good name!
- Hi, guys. How are you?
- Oh, not bad, Anita. Good to see you.
Terry, this is Gary and Michelle.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Gary works from home as well,
don't you?
Oh, er... You've given up the nine to five
as well then, Terry?
- I've only been doing it a few months.
- Takes a bit of getting used to.
I'll leave you boys to it. Michelle,
there's some people I want you to meet.
So have you er... you know?
- What?
- You know...
Got past the wanking stage yet?
- I beg your pardon?
- Don't pretend.
- You've got that look in your eye.
- I don't know what you're...
Does it get any easier?
You've just got to learn to control it.
I'd wake up with the best of intentions,
streamline my business plan,
market research, but...
Within half an hour of the wife leaving,
you're on the Internet!
I mean, the first month,
I did it so often I couldn't sit down.
We've all been there.
It's getting harder to tell Anita why I'm
not making progress with the business.
I can't tell her that instead
of phoning potential clients
I'm just frantically wanking off
over the most mildly arousing image
on daytime TV.
You've just got to learn
to timetable it properly.
- Really?
- It's like a reward system.
You make a good phone call,
have a wank to celebrate.
- It works for me.
- Sounds like a good idea.
I nearly wanked the whole business
away a couple of years ago.
I had to claw it back from the brink.
What are you boys colluding over?
No. Er... Gary was just giving me
some good advice
about working from home, keeping the
books, allotting your time effectively.
He should be telling you
how to reign in the wanking.
At home all day,
I know what I'd be doing.
- Hi.
- Of course they're real flamingos!
Sorry. I mean... do you want
a season ticket or a family ticket?
Season tickets are £500
and they're very popular.
Um... Just a family ticket, please.
Very well, that'll be £35.
Follow the signs.
Tickets, please.
No binoculars.
I can hardly see anything.
Can't we get closer?
I advise you not to cross that line
for your own safety.
The flamingos are very unpredictable.
- Oh, this is ridiculous.
- No, don't go!
Stop him, for God's sake!
- Afternoon.
- Lovely day.
- Yeah, are you...
- Fancy a cocktail?
- Well, I...
- It's a daiquiri.
- That's really nice.
- Look, your clothes are all wet.
- What are you, a 38?
- Yeah, but...
Oh, come on. At least try it on.
Yes, that's nice.
Do you like the music
of Bruce Springsteen?
- Er... Actually, yes, I do.
- Yes, I love a bit of The Boss.
I saw him in Philadelphia once.
Really? That must have been amazing.
Mummy? Is Daddy coming back?
A season ticket is £500.
Look, I'm sorry I said the thing
about you... not having sex very often.
I'm sure you get up to all sorts
and just don't tell me about it.
Well, as a matter of fact,
that's all been going quite well, actually.
Really? Sorry. Really.
Yes, let's just say
there's been quite a lot of...
...pussy action.
- David!
See you at Marco's tonight, David?
- Wey-hey!
- Wey-hey!
See you there, James.
What? Are you going to some kind
of sex place with him?
It's not a sex place, it's a unisex nudist
sauna. It's all perfectly friendly.
- It sounds friendly.
- What is your problem?
- Why are you going with him?
- On my own, I might get horribly raped.
He's a big guy and you're married.
I could have gone out with you
looking for women before I was married.
- You were in a long-term relationship.
- Before her!
- You were in a long-term relationship.
- Before her.
- You were in a long-term relationship.
- Before him.
- You were in a long-term relationship.
- They weren't.
- You still didn't talk to me much.
- That didn't count. Before them.
- Before them, we hadn't met.
- (Snorts)
All right, fine. Well, you go
and have fun with loads of women.
Well, I... sort of... might.
While I have fun with one excellent
and very, very sexy woman
for... the rest of my life.
Good for you.
- You do know about condoms.
- Oh, for God's...
Well, he won't explain it!
Greenland?
Whatever!