That Mitchell and Webb Look (2006–2010): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
Comedy sketch show starring David Mitchell and Robert Webb.
Hello and welcome back
to coverage of people buying a house
and living in it.
Hello, Jeff, you want to buy a house.
- Here's a house, what do you think?
- Yeah.
- Do you like the house?
- It's fine.
Will he be able to buy
the house of his dreams?
- Yes. It's in budget, is it?
- Yeah.
That was not a close one. We'll catch up
with Jeff when he's bought his house now.
- Jeff, you're now living in your house.
- Yeah.
- What's that like?
- Alright. Putting some shelves up.
- Nothing major.
- We'll catch up with Jeff's attempts
to live his ''having shelves'' dream now.
- How are the shelves?
- Useful.
Fascinating. To sum up, Jeff,
who you don't know, has bought a house,
and is living in it, having put up shelves,
and we can all agree that's a good thing.
Next week I'll be presenting coverage
of people renting a flat
and then going to the shop
to buy some food to eat in it.
that Mitchell and Webb look
(SNIGGERS)
(UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER)
I'm afraid, sir,
we still have a problem
with Detective Harrison.
Yes, Mr Harrison has an irritating talent
for disrupting my arrangements.
Would you like me to have him?
- ..Removed?
- Yes, perhaps.
Perhaps it would be better
if Mr Harrison were?
Taken out of the picture.
- Sorry, guys, you're doing it again.
- What, Alan?
''Have him removed'',
''take him out of the picture''.
We agreed at the meeting that these
terms are needlessly ambiguous.
- I suppose? ..
- We all agreed that from now on
when we want someone murdered,
i.e. deliberately killed to death,
- then that's what we're gonna say.
- Look, everyone knows what we mean.
On this occasion, perhaps. That was
an order to murder Harrison, right?
He has become a nuisance.
Right, but a nuisance
we should murder. Is that it?
I mean, my nephew's a nuisance
but? Do you see what I mean?
Yes, yeah, alright.
Well, can you say it then, please?
OK. Please?
deal with
the Harrison situation.
- You see, that's no good.
- Oh, that was perfectly clear.
What are you talking about?
This'll be ''let's hope Professor Ritson
meets with a little accident'' all over again.
We spent nine months hoping Ritson
would meet with an accident
before Lesley told us it was an accident
we had to make happen.
Alright, you've made your point.
You two get on with your work now.
Our murdering.
Yes.
Oh, and Alan?
Perhaps I'll see you later for a little?
Light refreshment.
Do you mean anal sex?
Yes.
Alright, then.
(APPLAUSE AND WHOOPS)
Welcome to ''Numberwang'',
the maths quiz that's simply everyone.
Joining me are Julie from Northampton
and Simon from Southampton.
- Julie, any funny stories to tell us?
- Yes.
- Simon?
- No.
Let's play Numberwang.
And it's Simon to go first.
Too slow. Julie?
- 38.
- That's Numberwang.
Let's move on to round two,
imaginary numbers. Simon?
- Twentington.
- That's Numberwang.
- Filth hundred and neeb.
- That's Numberwang.
- Shinty-six.
- (WRONG-ANSWER BUZZER)
Oh, bad luck, Simon.
I'm afraid shinty-six is a real number,
as in the popular phrase
''I only have shinty six days left to live.''
So, onto round three. Julie, Simon,
please take to the Number-lines.
And if I can have time on the clock,
please, let's play Numberbounce.
- 8.
- Er, 93.
- 15.
- 70.
That's Numberwang, take a number.
Julie?
- 30.
- That's Numberwang, take a number.
- Simon?
- 3,249.
That's Numberwang, take a number.
Julie?
- Nought.
- That's Numberwang, take a number.
- Simon?
- 41/2.
- That's Numberwang, take a number.
- (HOOTER BLARES)
I'm afraid we're out of time so you'll have
to put those last numbers back.
Well, that's the end of Numberbounce.
Well done, everyone.
So, as we go into the final round
it's neck and neck.
Julie is on 82
and Simon is also on 26.
It's time for Wangernumb.
Let's rotate the board.
Julie, Simon, welcome back.
Let's play Wangernumb.
- Julie, you go last. Simon?
- 44.
- Julie?
- 404.
- Ooh.
- 4.4.
- Ah.
- 444.4.
- 44.44.
- Eee.
- 40.
- Waaaaah.
- 4.
- That's Wangernumb!
Julie, you've been Wangernumbed,
but, Simon, you are today's Numberwang.
More Numberwang tomorrow,
but until then?
(ALL) Stay Numberwang!
Oh, they were two of the greatest actors
of their generation,
there's no doubt about it, but with that
goes a certain amount of ego, yes?
So, the only way we could get them to do
''Holmes and Watson'' in the West End
was if they alternated who played Holmes,
night by night.
One night Alec would play Holmes?
So, you see, Watson, the advantage
of my unique powers of observation.
And the next night,
it would be Michael's turn.
So, you see, Watson, the advantage
of my unique powers of observation.
And I suppose there was a certain amount
of one-upmanship.
So, you see, Watson, the advantage
of my unique powers of observation.
(DICKIE) I-I think that really
added something
but I don't know how much
the audience picked up.
So, you see, Watson, the advantage
of my unique powers of observation.
(GROANS)
So, when we came to make the film,
we were faced, once again,
with the problem of, which of them
would play Holmes,
but I think everyone agrees
we found a rather elegant solution.
Not like you to be superstitious, Holmes.
It's hardly superstition.
I was merely acknowledging
the power of fear
and what effect that fear?
..can have on the minds
of the ignorant or vulnerable.
Holmes, you're not seriously suggesting
that the villagers believe?
..the story of the phantom wolf?
Of course they did.
Oblige me if you will, old fellow,
by fetching Maddison's Witchcraft Almanac
from the library. I'll show you
how powerful a grip some?
..of these old myths can have on people.
Middle shelf, isn't it?
Yes, just above the encyclopaedias.
Ah, yes, I've got it.
Shall I bring it through?
No, stay where you are. I'll join you.
And, of course, they both felt very strongly
that it was important to?
to keep all of that wonderful energy
that the stage production had had.
That's not the Witchcraft Almanac,
Watson, you clot.
And, of course, as family men,
the film gave them a great opportunity
to get their kids into the business.
We can't think on
empty stomachs, Watson.
Let's see what Mrs Hudson
has laid out.
- What have you got for us, Mrs. Hudson?
- Crumpets!
Ten minutes for lighting?
David?
- Yeah?
- Is it poss? ? No.
- What?
- No, it's alright.
- (MOBILE RINGS)
- What's the question?
There's just something in this,
but you're just gonna be all horrible.
No, I'm not, what is it?
It's just? In here it looks like?
I mean? basically, can people levitate?
- Can? people? levitate?
- Oh, I knew I shouldn't have asked.
- Can people levitate?
- Don't? ! Just?
I mean, it's no, isn't it?
- Yes, it is no.
- Don't be like that.
What? I haven't said anything.
Don't have a go at me.
You're the moron who thinks people
can levitate.
- He was very convincing.
- Can you levitate?
I-I knew you'd be?
I'm trying to find out
why you felt the need
to ask such a humiliating question.
Because I have the intellectual confidence
to appear stupid sometimes.
You're the thick one
who pretends he knows everything.
I'm sufficiently insecure
to have felt the need to establish
to my own satisfaction before the age
of 33 whether or not humans can fly.
If that makes me a chippy little autodidact
in your eyes then so be it.
I'm just not gonna ask you
anything ever again.
Lunch in ten minutes.
Er, twelve minutes, you twat.
Ten, twelve. Don't know
the difference between ten and twelve!
Welcome to an edition of coverage
of people who are ill in hospital.
- Dave you're ill.
- I've got gallstones.
They're being taken out? Are you
nervous but everyone's wonderful?
- No, a nurse fingered me.
- Gillian.
I'm here with Chris,
who's got a broken arm.
- How did you break it?
- It just broke.
- Interesting story. They'll put it in plaster?
- That is the plan, yeah.
We'll film that and put it on telly. Soon I'll
be talking to a doctor who's tired. Edward.
Thanks, Gillian. We've had a cock-up
here and Dave is dead. Here is Dave.
They'll cart him out on a trolley
and we'll film that and put it on telly.
Meanwhile, here are some
nurses and doctors walking about.
So, how's it going, Pete?
Yeah, good.
I think you're gonna be pleased.
Paper came through from Singapore,
Jono's been tinkering
with the laser printer.
Colin, my top guy,
he's Iooked after the water marks.
Yeah, I think it's Iooking pretty tasty.
Well, I'll be the judge of that, mate.
Come on, let's have a look.
Here you go.
Wha? What's this?
(CHUCKLES) It's the finished article.
It's a tenner but, of course, it's not,
nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
Well, obviously not, it's all wrong.
That's not even the queen.
It's a queen.
Mate, the punters aren't gonna notice.
Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands,
THE queen, it's details.
Don't get hung up on the details.
That is a tenner.
That's what the man
on the streets'll see. Ten pounds.
Punds, it says punds.
It's your mind. It's playing tricks on you.
You're on a negative vibe.
- It's the wrong colour.
- Oh, right, compare it to another tenner.
Right, that's fair, I don't think.
Course it's gonna come off badly
compared to a real tenner,
but in the real world,
who sits at home and goes,
''Oh, I think I'll get out all
of my ten pound notes
''and compare their colour''?
Doesn't happen.
We're fine, mate, we're cushty.
It's the wrong size.
Things look more real
when they're bigger.
That's on purpose.
It's a trick of the trade.
It's shit, alright. It's total shit.
Look, OK, quick.
Which is the real one?
- That one.
- No, see, no, you're wrong.
That is the real one.
You had to think about it, didn't ya?
- No.
- You had to look. Admit it, I saw you.
Obviously I had
to look. Look, I'll see you later, alright?
OK, look forget the notes,
what about this?
Look at me and tell me you didn't
think that was Van Gogh's Sunflowers.
- I'm going.
- Alright, alright.
You don't like the picture
or the notes. I understand that.
Who uses notes anymore?
Plastic, that's what everyone uses
these days, so what about? this.
Mmm, not bad, not at all bad.
Exactly.
It's floppy.
Yep, folds away like a dream.
It smells of cheese.
It tastes of cheese.
Course.
It's an improvement on the real one.
Real credit cards taste like shit.
They call it a ruddy food court,
it just means you have to queue twice.
You've only missed the first three frames.
Oh, and that's a bad miss.
And a chance now for Chris Lester
as he strides towards the table,
one of the taller players,
as tall as he is toned.
And I think it's alright to say that
in this day and age.
I agree, Peter, I don't think there's anything
wrong with mentioning in passing
that Chris Lester
is very easy on the eye.
It's good for the game for
a gifted young player such as Chris?
A gifted, young, tall, blond player
such as Chris.
He is all those things,
and I don't think it's going too far
in these days of PC
for me to call another man sexy,
and Chris Lester is that man.
He is a friend of mine,
he is a sexy young friend of mine.
He is my sexy young friend.
Welcome to coverage of people
running a safari park.
This is John who looks after the zebras
which ran away from the camera.
- John, what are you doing?
- I'm getting the zebras their food.
Do zebras find it colder
in Wiltshire than Africa?
They do because it is.
While we let John
get on with the job he does every day,
Gillian's been talking to
the head tree-counter.
Fifteen thousand,
fifteen thousand and?
We're getting coverage
of you counting trees.
- Yeah. Oh, I've lost count.
- Sorry.
One, two, three, four, five?
OK, thank you for calling.
Pass us a biscuit.
- Ah!
- Forget you saw that, OK.
That didn't happen.
Look?
I have some telekinetic powers,
OK, but it's really nothing.
Nothing (?) You can move objects
with your mind.
(WHISPERS) Ssh, no one can ever know.
Also, it's very limited. I can really
only do it with biscuits.
Even so, it's a gift.
You should share it with the world.
No, I vowed never to use my powers.
Why not?
Because when I do, things happen.
Dark, terrible things.
At first I thought it was harmless.
I suppose I was so high on the thrill,
I didn't realise
that even then my powers
were consuming me
like I was the last segment
of a high-quality shortbread fan.
Jane? Jane is that you?
Rod, what a surprise.
Why didn't you call me?
- It was complicated.
- Your mother told me you'd died.
I didn't want to hurt you
and you were so persistent.
Still, er? water under the bridge, eh?
All my rage and fear welled up inside me
and expressed itself in biscuit form.
Are you alright, mate?
You may call it a gift,
but it's a curse, my friend.
Tragedy has stalked me at every turn.
- That's why you can never tell.
- No, you were just a kid, then.
You're older now and wiser.
You're manager of this sub-team,
for God's sake.
Think of the good you could do
with one of these now.
Not with that one, actually.
That's a Jaffa cake, it's not a true biscuit.
Whatever, the point is
you could do great works,
become famous
or at least get a better job.
- Something in hospitality, perhaps.
- No, it's too dangerous.
Damn it, I won't let you
squander your gift.
I'm gonna call my friend.
He's a manager at McVities.
No, you don't know what you're doing.
Hi, Austin, it's Dan?
Crikey, it's been a while. How are you?
Yeah, great.
Noooooooo!
Damn you!
Noo?
Noooo?
Noooooo?
Noooooooo?
Noooooooooo?
Noooooooooooo?
Noooooooooooooo?
Oh, and that's a bad miss.
And just look at the disappointment
on Chris Lester's pretty little face,
that is a shame.
He is devastated,
and I can never make up my mind
whether or not he looks
more stunning in moments of adversity
such as these,
than he does in moments
of elation and joy.
Ted, for the fullest answer
to that question
you'd have to ask
his lovely girlfriend, Jackie,
but I know what you mean.
There is a quality to his fragile isolation
that puts you in mind
of Winona Ryder in court.
Which is about as sexy as it gets.
But for my money
it's when he walks into the Crucible bar
after a big win or a few snatched moments
with Jackie
and the light from the fruit machine
dances through his hair
and he smiles
and he turns that smile onto you.
It's like basking in the light of twin suns.
You're quite right, Peter.
It makes me thankful my op went OK.
J' Sur la plage
J' Je collectionne les coquillages
J' Sur la plage?
Oh, no. No, not again.
No way. No, you're not gonna
get me this time.
No siree. Nope, sorry, mate.
J' En forme de coeur
You bloody bastard.
J' En forme de coeur?
The thing about having kids
is you get to watch
all those cartoons you used to love again.
They're disappointing. I watched
''Postman Pat'' with Jake
- and couldn't believe how bad it was.
- The worst one
is ''Captain bloody Pugwash.''
Oh, no, not really.
No, it is. It's dire. When its mouth moves,
it just goes ''buh, buh, buh, buh''.
That's a bit harsh. It was good.
It's awful. Don't tell me one
of you worked on it.
Yes, actually, Damian?
Damian was in it.
- Hi.
- You guys are winding me up.
- No, they're not.
- Really? You didn't write for it did you?
No, I was in it, actually.
I played Steven.
- Steven?
- Steven Pugwash, the captain.
Oh. Oh, right.
Stupid of me.
I didn't recognise
you without your, erm?
I don't go round all day
dressed as a pirate.
No, of course not.
What I said about your mouth?
Really, forget about it.
As it happens I actually have
a condition which paralyzes
my upper lip.
That's why I wear this moustache,
but you weren't to know.
And, erm? what are you doing these days?
This and that. You might have
seen me in the Kenco campaign.
- The one with the?
- Pirates, yes.
I do rather suffer from typecasting.
Thinking about it, there was
a lot to like about ''Captain Pugwash''.
It had a real charm to it
and the performances were great.
Well, thank you.
It was better than some of
the rubbish that was on,
''The Flumps'', ''Dogtanian'',
er? ''King Rollo''.
I mean, what the hell was that?
He was like some kind of psycho child.
I see. My boyfriend played King Rollo.
(SQUEAKING)
Come on Adrian, we're leaving.
I tell you what's caught my eye
in the headlines.
- Oh, shut up, David.
- I was just going to say?
I don't want to hear your jokes
about the news
when I'm trying to have a nice rest.
- No, it's just that my eye was caught?
- Get on a panel show.
You've got a big boil of topical satire
that needs lancing.
No, I'm just interested in world affairs
and at the same time very, very witty.
I wasn't gonna do a joke,
I was gonna say that my eye
was caught by this whole scandal
in America.
Ooh, the scandal in America.
Yeah, that is interesting.
That must be the biggest scandal
since Watergate Gate.
Since what?
The US government hasn't been
this screwed since?
You have to go all the way
back to Watergate Gate.
Watergate Gate? Isn't it just Watergate?
No, that would mean
it was just about water.
No, it was a scandal or gate,
add the suffix gate,
involving the Watergate Hotel,
so it was called the Watergate scandal
or Watergate Gate.
But doesn't the term ''gate'', meaning
a scandal, come from Watergate?
What, take the last four letters
of a previous scandal or hotel
and add it on to all future scandals?
That can't be the system.
- I think it is.
- What if there's a scandal about water?
What do you call that?
Well, you'd call it Waterga?
Oh, I see what you mean, erm?
Aqua Gate?
It's not great, is it?
(WOMAN) Ohh, it's lovely, thank you.
Yes.
And this is from me and Ben.
Merry Christmas.
Ooh, is this what I think it is? Could be.
It is, it's some heroin.
Hooray.
- We know how much you like heroin, so?
- Too right.
'Cause we were saying,
''Can we get him heroin?
''We got him heroin last year'',
but then Susie said,
''Sod it, let's just get him heroin.''
You can never have
too much heroin, that's what I say.
Well, it's Christmas, isn't it?
- This is from us.
- Ooh, wonder what this is.
Hope you like it. We both know how much
you like heroin so we thought?
Oh, it's a book
of heroin anecdotes, great.
We thought a bit more interesting
than just giving you heroin again.
Yeah, yeah.
But we got you some heroin
to have while you're reading it.
Oh. You silly sods!
And this is from me.
Ooh, thank you, Grandma.
It's some cocaine.
Oh, yeah.
That is the one you wanted, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah.
The man said that would
be the one you wanted.
I tried to describe it
and I did the face that you do
when you've had some, you know,
''Urghhh? .''
- And he said that would be the one.
- Right.
I'll take it back for you, love,
and change it for some heroin.
Thanks, Mum.
Ooh, look, James. ''Kids rapids ride''.
Hello, what's this, then?
Er, put the kid in the ring,
send him down the rapids.
Ah, sounds exciting?
You put him
in the ring and just literally?
Yeah, we just literally give him
a shove off that bridge there
and he goes down the stream,
very exciting.
Right, and it's all safe and everything?
You've done it before?
Yeah. No, well, actually no, well no.
We tested it on a football.
Right.
- Not that one.
- You sure?
Oh, yeah, 'cause the one
we tested it on we never saw again.
You never got it back?
Well, it's a football, isn't it?
It's not a boomerang or a child.
- I mean, it can't say it's lost.
- Sorry, I mean, this is all fine, isn't it?
Oh, yeah, yeah. It's all fine.
It's all fine, course it is.
I won't stay in business
very long if it isn't?
I wouldn't have stayed
in business very long if it wasn't.
You've got a safety certificate?
You can make so-called certificates
prove whatever you want.
- Have you got one?
- That's what I'm saying.
You can make certificates
prove whatever you want, look.
''Royal Academy of Safe Rapid Rides
certifies that Barry Crisp
''definitely knows what he's doing.''
Yeah, well, that all seems in order.
Right, do you fancy a ride then, James?
- Let's take that as a yes.
- OK, let's get that ring on.
OK.
That's a fiver
and an extra two quid,
hire of an oar.
Oh, really, will he need one?
- Well, I'd have thought so.
- Right.
- I mean, I'd want one. Wouldn't you?
- OK.
- And, er? three quid deposit on the ring.
- Why?
- In case I don't get the ring back.
- Is that likely?
Yeah.
Come this way.
Oh, and that's a bad miss.
Chris Lester approaches the table now.
His trademark headband, Ted,
is that purely practical or is it also
for the purposes of fashion?
Well, he assures us, Peter,
it's purely practical.
It's to keep his plentiful locks
out of his forget-me-not blue eyes.
But it does look terrific.
Yes, well, we've all got them now.
And he's set something of a trend
amongst the younger players, Ted,
but, er? needless to say, none of them look
anywhere near as good
in theirs as Chris does in his.
Peter Ebdon in particular
looks ridiculous,
but I gather that Chris
is quite attached to his hairband
'cause I was chatting to his lovely
girlfriend Jackie the other night
and, er? she was telling me
that, er? he even wears it in bed.
Does he?
Boy, oh boy.
What a sight that must be for Jackie
or for his other girlfriend Amanda?
..during their more intimate
romantic moments.
Chris looming over them,
his face flushed with concentration,
just as he is as he gets down
to this long red.
Ted, it's happened again.
Oh, Peter, you'll just have to sit in it
till the mid-session interval.
OK, ready?
Off you go.
(SPLASH)
Ooh, I think the nerves
got to him a bit there.
that Mitchell and Webb look
to coverage of people buying a house
and living in it.
Hello, Jeff, you want to buy a house.
- Here's a house, what do you think?
- Yeah.
- Do you like the house?
- It's fine.
Will he be able to buy
the house of his dreams?
- Yes. It's in budget, is it?
- Yeah.
That was not a close one. We'll catch up
with Jeff when he's bought his house now.
- Jeff, you're now living in your house.
- Yeah.
- What's that like?
- Alright. Putting some shelves up.
- Nothing major.
- We'll catch up with Jeff's attempts
to live his ''having shelves'' dream now.
- How are the shelves?
- Useful.
Fascinating. To sum up, Jeff,
who you don't know, has bought a house,
and is living in it, having put up shelves,
and we can all agree that's a good thing.
Next week I'll be presenting coverage
of people renting a flat
and then going to the shop
to buy some food to eat in it.
that Mitchell and Webb look
(SNIGGERS)
(UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER)
I'm afraid, sir,
we still have a problem
with Detective Harrison.
Yes, Mr Harrison has an irritating talent
for disrupting my arrangements.
Would you like me to have him?
- ..Removed?
- Yes, perhaps.
Perhaps it would be better
if Mr Harrison were?
Taken out of the picture.
- Sorry, guys, you're doing it again.
- What, Alan?
''Have him removed'',
''take him out of the picture''.
We agreed at the meeting that these
terms are needlessly ambiguous.
- I suppose? ..
- We all agreed that from now on
when we want someone murdered,
i.e. deliberately killed to death,
- then that's what we're gonna say.
- Look, everyone knows what we mean.
On this occasion, perhaps. That was
an order to murder Harrison, right?
He has become a nuisance.
Right, but a nuisance
we should murder. Is that it?
I mean, my nephew's a nuisance
but? Do you see what I mean?
Yes, yeah, alright.
Well, can you say it then, please?
OK. Please?
deal with
the Harrison situation.
- You see, that's no good.
- Oh, that was perfectly clear.
What are you talking about?
This'll be ''let's hope Professor Ritson
meets with a little accident'' all over again.
We spent nine months hoping Ritson
would meet with an accident
before Lesley told us it was an accident
we had to make happen.
Alright, you've made your point.
You two get on with your work now.
Our murdering.
Yes.
Oh, and Alan?
Perhaps I'll see you later for a little?
Light refreshment.
Do you mean anal sex?
Yes.
Alright, then.
(APPLAUSE AND WHOOPS)
Welcome to ''Numberwang'',
the maths quiz that's simply everyone.
Joining me are Julie from Northampton
and Simon from Southampton.
- Julie, any funny stories to tell us?
- Yes.
- Simon?
- No.
Let's play Numberwang.
And it's Simon to go first.
Too slow. Julie?
- 38.
- That's Numberwang.
Let's move on to round two,
imaginary numbers. Simon?
- Twentington.
- That's Numberwang.
- Filth hundred and neeb.
- That's Numberwang.
- Shinty-six.
- (WRONG-ANSWER BUZZER)
Oh, bad luck, Simon.
I'm afraid shinty-six is a real number,
as in the popular phrase
''I only have shinty six days left to live.''
So, onto round three. Julie, Simon,
please take to the Number-lines.
And if I can have time on the clock,
please, let's play Numberbounce.
- 8.
- Er, 93.
- 15.
- 70.
That's Numberwang, take a number.
Julie?
- 30.
- That's Numberwang, take a number.
- Simon?
- 3,249.
That's Numberwang, take a number.
Julie?
- Nought.
- That's Numberwang, take a number.
- Simon?
- 41/2.
- That's Numberwang, take a number.
- (HOOTER BLARES)
I'm afraid we're out of time so you'll have
to put those last numbers back.
Well, that's the end of Numberbounce.
Well done, everyone.
So, as we go into the final round
it's neck and neck.
Julie is on 82
and Simon is also on 26.
It's time for Wangernumb.
Let's rotate the board.
Julie, Simon, welcome back.
Let's play Wangernumb.
- Julie, you go last. Simon?
- 44.
- Julie?
- 404.
- Ooh.
- 4.4.
- Ah.
- 444.4.
- 44.44.
- Eee.
- 40.
- Waaaaah.
- 4.
- That's Wangernumb!
Julie, you've been Wangernumbed,
but, Simon, you are today's Numberwang.
More Numberwang tomorrow,
but until then?
(ALL) Stay Numberwang!
Oh, they were two of the greatest actors
of their generation,
there's no doubt about it, but with that
goes a certain amount of ego, yes?
So, the only way we could get them to do
''Holmes and Watson'' in the West End
was if they alternated who played Holmes,
night by night.
One night Alec would play Holmes?
So, you see, Watson, the advantage
of my unique powers of observation.
And the next night,
it would be Michael's turn.
So, you see, Watson, the advantage
of my unique powers of observation.
And I suppose there was a certain amount
of one-upmanship.
So, you see, Watson, the advantage
of my unique powers of observation.
(DICKIE) I-I think that really
added something
but I don't know how much
the audience picked up.
So, you see, Watson, the advantage
of my unique powers of observation.
(GROANS)
So, when we came to make the film,
we were faced, once again,
with the problem of, which of them
would play Holmes,
but I think everyone agrees
we found a rather elegant solution.
Not like you to be superstitious, Holmes.
It's hardly superstition.
I was merely acknowledging
the power of fear
and what effect that fear?
..can have on the minds
of the ignorant or vulnerable.
Holmes, you're not seriously suggesting
that the villagers believe?
..the story of the phantom wolf?
Of course they did.
Oblige me if you will, old fellow,
by fetching Maddison's Witchcraft Almanac
from the library. I'll show you
how powerful a grip some?
..of these old myths can have on people.
Middle shelf, isn't it?
Yes, just above the encyclopaedias.
Ah, yes, I've got it.
Shall I bring it through?
No, stay where you are. I'll join you.
And, of course, they both felt very strongly
that it was important to?
to keep all of that wonderful energy
that the stage production had had.
That's not the Witchcraft Almanac,
Watson, you clot.
And, of course, as family men,
the film gave them a great opportunity
to get their kids into the business.
We can't think on
empty stomachs, Watson.
Let's see what Mrs Hudson
has laid out.
- What have you got for us, Mrs. Hudson?
- Crumpets!
Ten minutes for lighting?
David?
- Yeah?
- Is it poss? ? No.
- What?
- No, it's alright.
- (MOBILE RINGS)
- What's the question?
There's just something in this,
but you're just gonna be all horrible.
No, I'm not, what is it?
It's just? In here it looks like?
I mean? basically, can people levitate?
- Can? people? levitate?
- Oh, I knew I shouldn't have asked.
- Can people levitate?
- Don't? ! Just?
I mean, it's no, isn't it?
- Yes, it is no.
- Don't be like that.
What? I haven't said anything.
Don't have a go at me.
You're the moron who thinks people
can levitate.
- He was very convincing.
- Can you levitate?
I-I knew you'd be?
I'm trying to find out
why you felt the need
to ask such a humiliating question.
Because I have the intellectual confidence
to appear stupid sometimes.
You're the thick one
who pretends he knows everything.
I'm sufficiently insecure
to have felt the need to establish
to my own satisfaction before the age
of 33 whether or not humans can fly.
If that makes me a chippy little autodidact
in your eyes then so be it.
I'm just not gonna ask you
anything ever again.
Lunch in ten minutes.
Er, twelve minutes, you twat.
Ten, twelve. Don't know
the difference between ten and twelve!
Welcome to an edition of coverage
of people who are ill in hospital.
- Dave you're ill.
- I've got gallstones.
They're being taken out? Are you
nervous but everyone's wonderful?
- No, a nurse fingered me.
- Gillian.
I'm here with Chris,
who's got a broken arm.
- How did you break it?
- It just broke.
- Interesting story. They'll put it in plaster?
- That is the plan, yeah.
We'll film that and put it on telly. Soon I'll
be talking to a doctor who's tired. Edward.
Thanks, Gillian. We've had a cock-up
here and Dave is dead. Here is Dave.
They'll cart him out on a trolley
and we'll film that and put it on telly.
Meanwhile, here are some
nurses and doctors walking about.
So, how's it going, Pete?
Yeah, good.
I think you're gonna be pleased.
Paper came through from Singapore,
Jono's been tinkering
with the laser printer.
Colin, my top guy,
he's Iooked after the water marks.
Yeah, I think it's Iooking pretty tasty.
Well, I'll be the judge of that, mate.
Come on, let's have a look.
Here you go.
Wha? What's this?
(CHUCKLES) It's the finished article.
It's a tenner but, of course, it's not,
nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
Well, obviously not, it's all wrong.
That's not even the queen.
It's a queen.
Mate, the punters aren't gonna notice.
Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands,
THE queen, it's details.
Don't get hung up on the details.
That is a tenner.
That's what the man
on the streets'll see. Ten pounds.
Punds, it says punds.
It's your mind. It's playing tricks on you.
You're on a negative vibe.
- It's the wrong colour.
- Oh, right, compare it to another tenner.
Right, that's fair, I don't think.
Course it's gonna come off badly
compared to a real tenner,
but in the real world,
who sits at home and goes,
''Oh, I think I'll get out all
of my ten pound notes
''and compare their colour''?
Doesn't happen.
We're fine, mate, we're cushty.
It's the wrong size.
Things look more real
when they're bigger.
That's on purpose.
It's a trick of the trade.
It's shit, alright. It's total shit.
Look, OK, quick.
Which is the real one?
- That one.
- No, see, no, you're wrong.
That is the real one.
You had to think about it, didn't ya?
- No.
- You had to look. Admit it, I saw you.
Obviously I had
to look. Look, I'll see you later, alright?
OK, look forget the notes,
what about this?
Look at me and tell me you didn't
think that was Van Gogh's Sunflowers.
- I'm going.
- Alright, alright.
You don't like the picture
or the notes. I understand that.
Who uses notes anymore?
Plastic, that's what everyone uses
these days, so what about? this.
Mmm, not bad, not at all bad.
Exactly.
It's floppy.
Yep, folds away like a dream.
It smells of cheese.
It tastes of cheese.
Course.
It's an improvement on the real one.
Real credit cards taste like shit.
They call it a ruddy food court,
it just means you have to queue twice.
You've only missed the first three frames.
Oh, and that's a bad miss.
And a chance now for Chris Lester
as he strides towards the table,
one of the taller players,
as tall as he is toned.
And I think it's alright to say that
in this day and age.
I agree, Peter, I don't think there's anything
wrong with mentioning in passing
that Chris Lester
is very easy on the eye.
It's good for the game for
a gifted young player such as Chris?
A gifted, young, tall, blond player
such as Chris.
He is all those things,
and I don't think it's going too far
in these days of PC
for me to call another man sexy,
and Chris Lester is that man.
He is a friend of mine,
he is a sexy young friend of mine.
He is my sexy young friend.
Welcome to coverage of people
running a safari park.
This is John who looks after the zebras
which ran away from the camera.
- John, what are you doing?
- I'm getting the zebras their food.
Do zebras find it colder
in Wiltshire than Africa?
They do because it is.
While we let John
get on with the job he does every day,
Gillian's been talking to
the head tree-counter.
Fifteen thousand,
fifteen thousand and?
We're getting coverage
of you counting trees.
- Yeah. Oh, I've lost count.
- Sorry.
One, two, three, four, five?
OK, thank you for calling.
Pass us a biscuit.
- Ah!
- Forget you saw that, OK.
That didn't happen.
Look?
I have some telekinetic powers,
OK, but it's really nothing.
Nothing (?) You can move objects
with your mind.
(WHISPERS) Ssh, no one can ever know.
Also, it's very limited. I can really
only do it with biscuits.
Even so, it's a gift.
You should share it with the world.
No, I vowed never to use my powers.
Why not?
Because when I do, things happen.
Dark, terrible things.
At first I thought it was harmless.
I suppose I was so high on the thrill,
I didn't realise
that even then my powers
were consuming me
like I was the last segment
of a high-quality shortbread fan.
Jane? Jane is that you?
Rod, what a surprise.
Why didn't you call me?
- It was complicated.
- Your mother told me you'd died.
I didn't want to hurt you
and you were so persistent.
Still, er? water under the bridge, eh?
All my rage and fear welled up inside me
and expressed itself in biscuit form.
Are you alright, mate?
You may call it a gift,
but it's a curse, my friend.
Tragedy has stalked me at every turn.
- That's why you can never tell.
- No, you were just a kid, then.
You're older now and wiser.
You're manager of this sub-team,
for God's sake.
Think of the good you could do
with one of these now.
Not with that one, actually.
That's a Jaffa cake, it's not a true biscuit.
Whatever, the point is
you could do great works,
become famous
or at least get a better job.
- Something in hospitality, perhaps.
- No, it's too dangerous.
Damn it, I won't let you
squander your gift.
I'm gonna call my friend.
He's a manager at McVities.
No, you don't know what you're doing.
Hi, Austin, it's Dan?
Crikey, it's been a while. How are you?
Yeah, great.
Noooooooo!
Damn you!
Noo?
Noooo?
Noooooo?
Noooooooo?
Noooooooooo?
Noooooooooooo?
Noooooooooooooo?
Oh, and that's a bad miss.
And just look at the disappointment
on Chris Lester's pretty little face,
that is a shame.
He is devastated,
and I can never make up my mind
whether or not he looks
more stunning in moments of adversity
such as these,
than he does in moments
of elation and joy.
Ted, for the fullest answer
to that question
you'd have to ask
his lovely girlfriend, Jackie,
but I know what you mean.
There is a quality to his fragile isolation
that puts you in mind
of Winona Ryder in court.
Which is about as sexy as it gets.
But for my money
it's when he walks into the Crucible bar
after a big win or a few snatched moments
with Jackie
and the light from the fruit machine
dances through his hair
and he smiles
and he turns that smile onto you.
It's like basking in the light of twin suns.
You're quite right, Peter.
It makes me thankful my op went OK.
J' Sur la plage
J' Je collectionne les coquillages
J' Sur la plage?
Oh, no. No, not again.
No way. No, you're not gonna
get me this time.
No siree. Nope, sorry, mate.
J' En forme de coeur
You bloody bastard.
J' En forme de coeur?
The thing about having kids
is you get to watch
all those cartoons you used to love again.
They're disappointing. I watched
''Postman Pat'' with Jake
- and couldn't believe how bad it was.
- The worst one
is ''Captain bloody Pugwash.''
Oh, no, not really.
No, it is. It's dire. When its mouth moves,
it just goes ''buh, buh, buh, buh''.
That's a bit harsh. It was good.
It's awful. Don't tell me one
of you worked on it.
Yes, actually, Damian?
Damian was in it.
- Hi.
- You guys are winding me up.
- No, they're not.
- Really? You didn't write for it did you?
No, I was in it, actually.
I played Steven.
- Steven?
- Steven Pugwash, the captain.
Oh. Oh, right.
Stupid of me.
I didn't recognise
you without your, erm?
I don't go round all day
dressed as a pirate.
No, of course not.
What I said about your mouth?
Really, forget about it.
As it happens I actually have
a condition which paralyzes
my upper lip.
That's why I wear this moustache,
but you weren't to know.
And, erm? what are you doing these days?
This and that. You might have
seen me in the Kenco campaign.
- The one with the?
- Pirates, yes.
I do rather suffer from typecasting.
Thinking about it, there was
a lot to like about ''Captain Pugwash''.
It had a real charm to it
and the performances were great.
Well, thank you.
It was better than some of
the rubbish that was on,
''The Flumps'', ''Dogtanian'',
er? ''King Rollo''.
I mean, what the hell was that?
He was like some kind of psycho child.
I see. My boyfriend played King Rollo.
(SQUEAKING)
Come on Adrian, we're leaving.
I tell you what's caught my eye
in the headlines.
- Oh, shut up, David.
- I was just going to say?
I don't want to hear your jokes
about the news
when I'm trying to have a nice rest.
- No, it's just that my eye was caught?
- Get on a panel show.
You've got a big boil of topical satire
that needs lancing.
No, I'm just interested in world affairs
and at the same time very, very witty.
I wasn't gonna do a joke,
I was gonna say that my eye
was caught by this whole scandal
in America.
Ooh, the scandal in America.
Yeah, that is interesting.
That must be the biggest scandal
since Watergate Gate.
Since what?
The US government hasn't been
this screwed since?
You have to go all the way
back to Watergate Gate.
Watergate Gate? Isn't it just Watergate?
No, that would mean
it was just about water.
No, it was a scandal or gate,
add the suffix gate,
involving the Watergate Hotel,
so it was called the Watergate scandal
or Watergate Gate.
But doesn't the term ''gate'', meaning
a scandal, come from Watergate?
What, take the last four letters
of a previous scandal or hotel
and add it on to all future scandals?
That can't be the system.
- I think it is.
- What if there's a scandal about water?
What do you call that?
Well, you'd call it Waterga?
Oh, I see what you mean, erm?
Aqua Gate?
It's not great, is it?
(WOMAN) Ohh, it's lovely, thank you.
Yes.
And this is from me and Ben.
Merry Christmas.
Ooh, is this what I think it is? Could be.
It is, it's some heroin.
Hooray.
- We know how much you like heroin, so?
- Too right.
'Cause we were saying,
''Can we get him heroin?
''We got him heroin last year'',
but then Susie said,
''Sod it, let's just get him heroin.''
You can never have
too much heroin, that's what I say.
Well, it's Christmas, isn't it?
- This is from us.
- Ooh, wonder what this is.
Hope you like it. We both know how much
you like heroin so we thought?
Oh, it's a book
of heroin anecdotes, great.
We thought a bit more interesting
than just giving you heroin again.
Yeah, yeah.
But we got you some heroin
to have while you're reading it.
Oh. You silly sods!
And this is from me.
Ooh, thank you, Grandma.
It's some cocaine.
Oh, yeah.
That is the one you wanted, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah.
The man said that would
be the one you wanted.
I tried to describe it
and I did the face that you do
when you've had some, you know,
''Urghhh? .''
- And he said that would be the one.
- Right.
I'll take it back for you, love,
and change it for some heroin.
Thanks, Mum.
Ooh, look, James. ''Kids rapids ride''.
Hello, what's this, then?
Er, put the kid in the ring,
send him down the rapids.
Ah, sounds exciting?
You put him
in the ring and just literally?
Yeah, we just literally give him
a shove off that bridge there
and he goes down the stream,
very exciting.
Right, and it's all safe and everything?
You've done it before?
Yeah. No, well, actually no, well no.
We tested it on a football.
Right.
- Not that one.
- You sure?
Oh, yeah, 'cause the one
we tested it on we never saw again.
You never got it back?
Well, it's a football, isn't it?
It's not a boomerang or a child.
- I mean, it can't say it's lost.
- Sorry, I mean, this is all fine, isn't it?
Oh, yeah, yeah. It's all fine.
It's all fine, course it is.
I won't stay in business
very long if it isn't?
I wouldn't have stayed
in business very long if it wasn't.
You've got a safety certificate?
You can make so-called certificates
prove whatever you want.
- Have you got one?
- That's what I'm saying.
You can make certificates
prove whatever you want, look.
''Royal Academy of Safe Rapid Rides
certifies that Barry Crisp
''definitely knows what he's doing.''
Yeah, well, that all seems in order.
Right, do you fancy a ride then, James?
- Let's take that as a yes.
- OK, let's get that ring on.
OK.
That's a fiver
and an extra two quid,
hire of an oar.
Oh, really, will he need one?
- Well, I'd have thought so.
- Right.
- I mean, I'd want one. Wouldn't you?
- OK.
- And, er? three quid deposit on the ring.
- Why?
- In case I don't get the ring back.
- Is that likely?
Yeah.
Come this way.
Oh, and that's a bad miss.
Chris Lester approaches the table now.
His trademark headband, Ted,
is that purely practical or is it also
for the purposes of fashion?
Well, he assures us, Peter,
it's purely practical.
It's to keep his plentiful locks
out of his forget-me-not blue eyes.
But it does look terrific.
Yes, well, we've all got them now.
And he's set something of a trend
amongst the younger players, Ted,
but, er? needless to say, none of them look
anywhere near as good
in theirs as Chris does in his.
Peter Ebdon in particular
looks ridiculous,
but I gather that Chris
is quite attached to his hairband
'cause I was chatting to his lovely
girlfriend Jackie the other night
and, er? she was telling me
that, er? he even wears it in bed.
Does he?
Boy, oh boy.
What a sight that must be for Jackie
or for his other girlfriend Amanda?
..during their more intimate
romantic moments.
Chris looming over them,
his face flushed with concentration,
just as he is as he gets down
to this long red.
Ted, it's happened again.
Oh, Peter, you'll just have to sit in it
till the mid-session interval.
OK, ready?
Off you go.
(SPLASH)
Ooh, I think the nerves
got to him a bit there.
that Mitchell and Webb look