That Girl (1966–1971): Season 5, Episode 18 - That Shoplifter - full transcript

[Voice on P.A.] Your
attention, shoppers.

An important announcement.

For the next hour,

all midis, minis, and pants

in Dawson's College Boutique

are on sale at a 30% reduction.

Run, do not walk,

to the seventh floor
College Boutique.

[applause] Bravo. Bravo. Bravo.

I want that voice in
my next production.

Very funny. How'd I do?



Brilliant. There wasn't a
dry eye in Men's Underwear.

Cute. Cute. The truth is,

Dawson's doesn't
know how lucky they are

to have a trained actress
enunciating their bargains.

[Donald] You're right,
honey. You're really right.

Oh, Donald. Thanks
for coming by.

Your performance
made my lunch hour.

- [giggles]
- I gotta get back
to the office.

- I'll see you later?
- Yeah. Bye, hon.

Bye.

- Excuse me, Miss.
- Yes, sir. What can I do for you?

Did I hear you say that
you were an actress?

Yes. You did.

But right now
you're, as they say,



between engagements.

Well, I'm between jobs.

But I have an engagement.

How would you like to, uh...

Pick up some extra money?

Working for me?

- Doing what?
- Shoplifting.

Shoplifting?

- Shhh...
- Shhh-oplifting?

I've been looking for the
right person to work with.

And as soon as I saw
you, I said to myself,

"If there was ever
the perfect shoplifter,

"it's that girl."

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She spins a lot of dreams ♪

♪ She's everything that
every girl should be ♪

♪ Sable, popcorn, white wine ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Gingham, bluebirds, Broadway ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪

♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

That Girl!

Shoplifting?

[stage whisper]
Donald! Not so loud.

This is strictly confidential.

I'm not supposed
to tell anybody!

I can't imagine why.

You see, when you
were in the store today,

this man overheard us talking,

and he heard me
say that I'm an actress.

So naturally, he offered you
a job as a shoplifter, right?

- I got it.
- Will you just listen?

He's the head of the
security force for the store.

His main job is to prevent people
from taking any merchandise.

He showed me his badge.

Very impressive.

And? And?

And, and he wants me
to pose as a shoplifter.

Just to test their alertness.

But why did he pick you?

Well, I guess
because I'm an actress,

and he knows I could handle it.

And because, after all,
I'm working in the store,

and, if I'm wandering
around a lot,

the security guards
won't get suspicious.

Great. Try and grab
me a set of golf clubs.

Oh, Donald.

Well, honey, what do you do
with the stuff after you take it?

We have this
secret meeting place

where I bring him all the stuff.

Fascinating. How
long does this job last?

Till I get caught.

The better I am at
stealing, the longer I get

to keep the job,
and the extra money.

Aren't you kind of finking
on your fellow employees?

No, Donald.

Nobody's gonna get in any
trouble or get fired or anything.

This is just to see if they need
to put on added precaution.

Well, honey, look. It all
sounds a little silly to me,

but if you enjoy it,
and you get paid for it,

I guess it's all right.

You know, when I was a kid,

walking through
the Five and Ten,

I always thought
how great it would be

when I grew up

to be married to a shoplifter.

[knocking on door]

Come in, Donald! It's open!

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

Hey.

You turned out to
be some shoplifter.

Oh, Donald. These are my things.

I was just about
to have a rehearsal.

Here. You sit right here.

- Oh. A preview performance?
- Uh-huh.

And I want you to watch
me very, very carefully.

That's always a pleasure.

Now, I mean what I'm doing.

I'll be right back.

Well.

Notice anything suspicious?

- Not a thing.
- Ah-ha.

♪ Da-da-dah da-da-da-da ♪

♪ [vocalizing] ♪

Hey, you've really been
doing your homework!

If you think that's something,

wait'll you see this!

The Grand Finale.

Ta-dah!

Uh, now wait a minute.

I know there's
something in that box,

but I don't know
how it got there.

♪ [vocalizing] ♪

[Ann on P.A.] And
all of these dresses

are reduced from
$12.98 to $5.98.

[no audible dialogue]

So hurry hurry hurry to
Dawson's Bargain Basement,

before they're all gone.

- Hi, Miss Marie.
- Oh...

Taking your shopping break, huh?

- Oh. Just... browsing.
- [chuckles]

I think I'll take
this one, Miss.

Oh. Wait. Do you
have it in green?

I think we do.

- Do you like this shade?
- Mm... no.

I still think I'll
stick with the red.

[both whispering]
- Hi, Mr. Baxter.
- Hi, hi, hi.

Well? How'd you make out?

Well, I think I had
a pretty good day.

Ah-ha.

Ah! Mm. Oh, they're
asleep in Sweaters.

- Ah. Mmm.
- I think so.

We'll have to take
some action on that.

- Oh, very lax in Lingerie.
- Oh, look over there!

Huh?

Heh-heh. A little trick
I was trying last night.

Say, you're getting clever!

I've been really
practicing. Oh...

Very good. Excellent. Excellent.

Now you be back here
tomorrow, the same time.

- Okay? All right.
- Yes, I will. Bye bye.

- Bye bye.
- Oh, wait a minute.

Here's something for you.

[crowd chatter]

Hey, look at that cape!

Cape? Oh, oh...
- Oh, this cape.
- Classy.

- Uh, did you get it here?
- Uh, yes.

It's from the fourth
floor Coats department.

I hope they gave
you a good deal on it.

It was a steal.

Nice work, Miss Marie.

Very nice work.

Well! What have we here?

- Oh. Uh...
- I thought it was Miss Ann Marie.

Oh! Oh, it is. I
just got engaged.

Oh! Oh, this! Oh, this is, uh...

This is my sister's little girl.

I was just minding her
while she did some shopping.

- Can I take a peek?
- No! No.

[whispering] She just
fell asleep, just now. Yes.

- What's her name?
- Who?

- The little one.
- Uh...

She's named after her mother.

What's her mother's name?

Uh... Ann.

You and your sister
are both named Ann?

Yes. My parents
just love that name.

Well, when you're together
and somebody calls "Ann",

how do you know
which one they mean?

[stammers] Well, Sis
spells hers with an "e".

- Third floor.
- Inexcusable.

- Fourth floor.
- Nice going.

Second floor. Imitation.

And that's it, huh?

Not quite.

[groans]

Either Nino's has a new
chef, or I was starving.

It was great tonight. The veal

was the best I ever tasted.

You better not ever let
my father hear you say that.

Want me to make you some coffee?

Yeah. That's good, honey.

Well, you know, I've had dinner

in your father's
restaurant 10 or 15 times.

And I gotta tell you the truth.

The food is not fantastic.

About the best thing
I can say for it is,

it's... wholesome.

Wholesome?

That's the worst description
of food I ever heard.

That goes with "Eat
it, it's good for you."

Okay. How's the thief business?

It is not the thief business.

And it's going very well.

You know, I'm
really proud of you.

You have a chance to
be on two lists this year.

Best Dressed, and
10 Most Wanted.

All I care about
is that Mr. Baxter

is really pleased with
the way things are going.

Yeah, well, I have a
feeling that stealing

is a lot easier when you know
nothing can happen to you

when you get caught.

I think you're right.

I'm kind of getting
a kick out of it.

- Going out?
- Uh, no.

I'm just getting some sugar.
You want sugar, don't you?

[stammering] Yeah, well, I
want sugar from a regular box.

Not from the bottom
of your change purse.

Well, how about in
little tiny packages

from Nino's? I forgot
to buy some today.

Ah-ha. That's it?

First it's for fun at the store,
then it's from your friends?

You're just a step away
from robbing the First National.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I'll slip it back into
the bowl tomorrow.

[imitating Bogart]
Too risky, baby.

We've gotta
destroy the evidence.

Maybe I'll melt it
in something hot.

Olivia De Havilland.

- Just a minute.
- What?

- Your bag.
- What... what bag?

- That bag.
- Oh. Oh, that.

Oh, that's mine.
That's my very own.

- I can prove it.
- It's open.

You're gonna lose
everything out of it.

Oh. Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.

Um, I've always been
very bad at bag closing.

You know, there's a lot
of dishonest people around

that would just drool at
the sight of an open bag.

Yes, I know.

You just can't trust
anybody nowadays.

- Hello, Jim.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Baxter.

- Any problems?
- No, no. Everything's fine.

Oh, Oh, this is Miss Marie,
our specials announcer.

You have a great
voice for specials.

Oh, thanks so much, Mr. Baxter.

Well, I really better
be getting back.

I've got a great one on
panty hose coming up.

Keep your eyes open, Jim.

We've have more losses
than usual this week.

Well, if it's a shoplifter,
I'll spot him. Don't worry.

Your attention, shoppers.

On the third floor,
a half-price sale...

Baxter?

- Uh... Jim!
- Hmm?

Uh, Jim.

I, uh, was just wondering.

Who was... was that man?

Who? Oh, Mr. Baxter.

[stammering] Mr. Baxter, Jr.?

No. Just Mr. Baxter, period.

He's our head of security.

That really was Mr. Baxter?

He's a master at
catching crooks.

Uh... anything
wrong, Miss Marie?

Uh... If he isn't also
a master at makeup,

then I think I
don't feel too good.

- Donald. Donald.
- Hi.

Donald, I'm a crook.

- What?
- Donald, I'm in trouble.

I'm really in terrible trouble.

I'm really a crook!

I mean, not a phony
make-believe crook,

but a real, honest crook.

All right, honey. Now relax
and start from the beginning.

The beginning, you know about.

It's the end part
that's the bad part.

Mr. Baxter isn't Mr. Baxter.

I met Mr. Baxter
today. And he isn't him.

My Mr. Baxter is old.
This Mr. Baxter is young.

Oh, Donald. I'm so stupid!

Uh, try it again. And this time,
pretend I'm Czechoslovakian,

with very little knowledge
of the language.

So. I'm gonna
go to jail, aren't I?

I know it. I really know
I am. I'm going to jail!

Honey, you are not
going to go to jail.

[sighs] Oh, yes. That's
it. I did it, and I deserve it.

That's all. I'm going to jail.

All right, then. Here.
Hide this in your hair.

When the guard
goes for coffee at night,

- start digging.
- Oh, Donald, stop it.

Honey, listen. You are
a totally innocent victim.

Now stop worrying.

We'll simply go to the police,

explain exactly what happened,

and they'll never believe us.

I told you.

Well, maybe we should
go to the real Mr. Baxter,

- and explain everything.
- Oh, he'll never
believe me, either.

I mean, it's my
word again... nobody!

- Ann.
- What?

- I'll wait for ya.
- That's not funny!

Okay, honey. Okay.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I just can't seriously believe

that a totally innocent
girl is gonna go to jail,

and a totally guilty
shoplifter is running a...

- I got it.
- What?

We're gonna get that
shoplifter to clear you.

- How?
- When are you supposed
to meet him

in that storeroom again?

5:00. Why?

Honey, we're gonna grab him.

Take him to the real Mr. Baxter.

We'll clear this whole thing up.

Oh, Donald, I hope
so. I really hope so.

Oh my gosh, it's late. I gotta
get back, or I'm gonna get fired.

Guess it doesn't matter, though. I
can't hold two jobs down at once, anyway.

- Two jobs?
- Making announcements,
and making license plates.

Are you sure you'll
be able to grab him?

You said he was old.

Don't hurt him, Donald.

Honey, I'm not gonna hurt him.

I'm just gonna...
Grab him gently.

[whispers] That's good.

You sure he's old?

Maybe this wasn't
such a good idea.

Who ever said it
was a good idea?

Oh, Donald, I'm so proud of you.

I mean, going up
against a person who,

for all you know, could
be a karate expert.

He got from a little old
man to a killer pretty fast.

- Shhh.
- What?

- [footsteps]
- Shhh.

- I know shh-shh. What?
- Footsteps.

[footsteps]

They don't sound
like old footsteps.

[footsteps, louder]

[whispering]
- False alarm.
- Thanks heavens.

Honey, he's not coming. That's
it. I was willing to die for you.

Now come on. I'm gonna take you
home, then I'm going back to the office.

I think we should wait
another five minutes.

- He probably smells a trap.
- You think so?

- Oh, I hope so.
- Let's go.

- [knocking on door]
- It's open, sweetheart.

Don't you come
another step closer!

I-I'm warning you!

Please, Miss Marie.

I don't wanna
harm you. I just...

[stammering] You think
I'm all alone here, I'll bet.

Well, I'll have you
know that in my kitchen,

right now, are my
boyfriend and my father,

the Marine Sergeant. Yes.

All I have to do is
but raise my voice,

and they'll come
immediately out here to my aid.

- But, Miss Marie...
- As a matter of fact,

the reason they're
here now is...

Is they're cleaning their guns.

They're in the kitchen
right this minute,

washing out their machine guns.

Miss Marie, I don't
wanna harm you.

I couldn't harm you!

All I wanna do is sit down.

I guess I'm getting a little old

for all those stairs.

Oh, Miss Marie.

Could you bring
me a little water,

so I could take my pill?

- Your... pill?
- Yes.

When you get to be my age,

pills become a
part of your life.

Who stole those for you?

Oh, Miss Marie.

I know you must be
very upset with me.

Oh, why should I be upset?

All you did was make
me the most attractive face

on the wall at the post office.

I'm sorry I couldn't
tell you the truth.

You're sorry? Who
are you, anyway?

My name is Walter Harrison.

Oh, well, Mr. Harrison.

I am going to call the police,

and inform them
that I have captured

the world-famous shoplifter,
Mr. Walter Harrison.

I didn't take anything.

Well, you received stolen goods.

A receiver of stolen
goods. That's right.

The actual thief
brought you the stuff,

so you are just as
guilty as the real thief,

and you both should
be punished to the fullest,

and I'm gonna kill myself.

Please, Miss
Marie. Calm yourself.

Now that badge
that I showed you,

that wasn't a fake. It was mine!

I was the head of
security until last month,

when I reached 65.

And then I was too
old to hold my job.

- Oh, you're not too old.
- According to the store,
I am.

That's when they
brought in that Baxter.

Well, that's too
bad, Mr. Harrison.

But it's just no excuse
for robbing a store,

and making a criminal out of me.

All I was trying to do
was prove to the store

that a kid like that Baxter
couldn't possibly protect them

against even the most
amateur of shoplifters!

Amateur?

If there's anything worse
than a criminal, it's a critic.

You were fine. Only
when the store sees

that their losses
are increasing,

maybe they'd want
an old pro like me

to come back and be
in charge of security.

Yes. Maybe they
will, Mr. Harrison.

When are you
gonna let them know?

Well, not just yet.

- Not yet?
- Well, you see, Ann,

you haven't taken enough yet

to make any real dent.

I wanna make this
demonstration very dramatic,

so that their losses
will be so great

that they will be glad
to ask me to come back.

Please, Ann. Will you help me?

I don't wanna be just
another useless old man.

Please help me, Ann.

All I want is a
little piece of mind.

All right. What floor is it on?

I'll try to get some for you.

[phone buzzes]

Mr. Dawson's office.
Oh, yes, Mr. Shore.

Your appointment is at
10:00 tomorrow morning.

Thank you.

Are you sure you
want me with you?

Oh, Donald. I'm
not sure of anything.

I just know that,
on the one hand,

I have to do something
to help poor Mr. Harrison.

And on the other hand, I
just can't keep on stealing.

Even though he does intend
to put it all back and everything.

[phone buzzes]

Yes, Mr. Dawson. Yes, sir.

You can go in now.

Thank you.

Ah, come right in. Have a seat.

Thank you, Mr. Dawson.
This is my fiancé,

- Donald Hollinger.
- Hollinger?

Great little gal you've
got there. Great.

- Thank you.
- Now, Miss Marie.

What can we do for you?

Incidentally, your announcing

is by far the best
we've ever had.

Oh. Thank you, sir.

Well, sir...
- Yes?
- [sighs]

I've... I've asked
Donald to come along

to give me moral support.

Yeah, Ann asked me
to come with her, sir,

because, uh... [chuckles]

well, we're both a bit unsure of
how to handle this whole problem.

Have you thought of
talking with your minister

or family physician?

Oh, no, no, no.
It's nothing like that.

Oh. Well, let's hear
about your little problem.

Well, sir. You have
this store policy about

retiring people when
they become 65.

And you've been
lying about your age.

[laughing]

Well, no.

What I've been
doing is stealing.

[stammering] But...
what I mean is,

I promised Mr. Harrison
that I wouldn't say anything

until he got his job back,
but I've been thinking,

I just can't go on taking things.
And besides, you know yourself

that Mr. Harrison is the very best head
of security that there is in the business.

And it really isn't fair to kick
him out just because he got old.

I admit that what I've
been doing isn't right.

But I did it completely
out of ignorance,

so if you're gonna call the
police, go call them right now,

because I just won't inhale now,
and my death will be on your head.

Enough.

Uh, he's right, hon.
That's really enough.

Just one minute.

- [buzzer]
- He's gonna call the police.

Shh-shh. [clears throat]

Yes, sir.

- Hi, Miss Marie.
- Hello.

Uh, Baxter, this
is Mr. Hollinger.

- Yeah. How are ya? Nice to see ya.
- Nice meeting you.

Now would you tell Miss Marie

how long you've been
head of security here?

Four years.

Four years?

But Mr. Harrison said
that just last month...

Did you say Mr. Harrison?
Old Wally Harrison.

- You've got it.
- What's he got? Got what?

Listen, could you
let us in on this?

Wally Harrison is one
of the longest-established

shoplifters in the country.

He uses every
trick in the business,

including the one
he pulled on Ann.

Oh, swell. Oh, swell.

But now that we know
he's at work again,

we're sure to get
the goods back.

You did the right
thing in coming to us.

Now hadn't you better
get back to your booth?

[stammering] You mean...
I'm still working here?

If you want, until you're 65.

[all laughing]

Thank you very much, Mr. Dawson.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

- Oh. Mr. Dawson.
- Yes, Ann?

- When you do capture him...
- No one will hurt him.

He's been in prison before,
and for him, it's like a rest home.

[laughing] Thank you.

Don't worry about him.

Oh, I wasn't really
worrying about him.

I was worrying about me.

I mean, someday I'll be a
65-year-old shoplifter myself.

Goodbye.

[knocking on door]

- Hi, sweetheart!
- Hi, honey.

Honey, what is that smell?

Something smells
great. What is that?

That's lasagna.
Your favorite dinner.

Oh, honey. Great. Thank you.

What are you thanking me for?

For making me
my favorite dinner.

Oh, I didn't make you
your favorite dinner, Donald.

Mrs. Kepesto down the hall
is making your favorite dinner.

I made baked tuna.

Oh. Oh, well, uh...

Honey, I got this terrific
appetite, coming up the hall.

You know, from the smell and
everything. I mean, I like tuna.

I'll eat tuna. But... do
you mind if we call Nino's?

I already made the reservation.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪

♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

That Girl!