That Girl (1966–1971): Season 5, Episode 17 - The Russians Are Staying - full transcript

And how long will you be
visiting the United States,

Mr. Ussachevsky?

Just another two, three days.

Four or five. Maybe
a week to ten days.

Or two weeks to three.

A month or two, maybe.

Two months, three months.

[chuckles] A year.

Two, three years.

Or maybe just
another 20 minutes.

Are you going to be staying
on after your show closes



at Lincoln Center?

- I am not sure.
- Oh.

When we start class?

I am anxious to see
American acting class.

Well, as they say, there's
no time like the present.

- Come on.
- Who says that?

- They.
- Who are they?

Well, "they" are these
fantastic people who say

all these marvelous
things all the time.

You know, like, "An ounce of
prevention is worth a pound of cure."

- They're saying that, too?
- Oh, yes.

And, um, "Don't
cross your bridges

before they're hatched."

They don't say that.



- What do they know?
- You're right.

Because if they knew,
they would say you are...

- [speaks Russian]
- What's that?

How should I know?
They said it, not me.

It's bad enough we
have to watch him.

Now we also better
keep eye on that girl.

[giggling]

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She spins a lot of dreams ♪

♪ She's everything that
every girl should be ♪

♪ Sable, popcorn, white wine ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Gingham, bluebirds, Broadway ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪

♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

That Girl!

[man speaking indistinctly]

All right, let's take our seats.

It is, indeed, a privilege

having this distinguished
comedian from the Russian stage

observing our class here today.

So let's give a proper
welcome to the honored artist,

Mr. Nicholai Ussachevsky.

And, uh, on a more
personal note, may I say...

[speaking Russian]

[speaking Russian]

I'm afraid I didn't
understand a word you said.

Neither did I.

I heard that on
Danny Kaye record.

Marvelous!

How long is Ussachevsky
going to be here?

Oh, I don't know.

Two or three weeks,
a month or two.

Maybe three or four.

Half a year. Couple years.

Maybe three, maybe
four. 20 minutes.

Honey, what are
you talking about?

- That's what Nicholai
did to me.
- Oh.

I think he really has
to go back next week.

Look, honey, there's
one I saw in the catalogue.

Look at it.

- I like it.
- Oh, come on, honey.

I know you well enough
to tell that's a definite

"you don't like
it that I like it".

Well, until you mentioned the thing
about it being part of my house, too,

I would have meant
I like it for you.

Well, Donald, I really think if we're
going to start spending money on art,

we should really
wait and save up

for something we both love.

I agree. I agree.

It's only $30.

It is?

It's terrific. Buy it.

I can get to love it.

As a matter of fact,
I'm beginning to feel

a very warm twinge
for it right now.

In fact, I think I've
fallen in love with it.

It's $800, honey.

I hate it.

Oh, Donald, I
forgot to tell you.

Ussachevsky's got two
men from the Inky Dinky

following him around.

- The Inky Dinky?
- Something like that.

- It's a Russian spy group.
- You must mean the NKVD.

That's right. That's
right. How did you know?

Because I know what
the Russian spy group is.

Inky Dinky?

That's the Disneyland spy group.

Honey, are you sure the
NKVD is following him?

Donald, I saw them.

Because if you are right,

I may have myself
a very big story.

- About them?
- Them and Nicholai.

I mean, why would they
be following him around

unless they suspected him of
something detrimental to Russia?

Or suspected he
was up to something?

Well, like what?

[whispering] Spying.

Oh, Donald, I'll bet that's it.

I'll bet they suspect him of
spying on the United States,

and they're just
waiting to catch him.

And that's totally stupid.

They wouldn't object
to him spying on us.

Yeah, but they would object
if he was bringing information

into this country and
passing it on to someone.

Oh, my gosh,
Donald, this is a story.

Honey, honey, listen.

Can you arrange
for me to meet him,

have a dinner of some kind?

Well, yeah, I think so.

But, Donald, if he is
a spy working for us

and you write a story
that appears in Russia,

won't he get in trouble?

Yeah, well, if I wrote
a story saying that,

I should think it would raise a
few eyebrows in the Kremlin.

But listen, we'll
be very careful.

We'll have the dinner at Nino's.

But that's a public place.

Yeah, well, of course.

I mean, that way, the Inky Dinky

won't suspect any hanky panky.

Look, Donald,
they're still there.

They have been following
him around all day.

You, too.

Me, too.

Certainly.

They see I am liking you,

so they are suspecting you, too.

Of what?

Of helping me to defect.

[whispers] Defect?
You're kidding.

Watch this. Watch.

[speaks Russian]

Nicholai, are they NKVD?

Exactly.

You remember two years
ago our prima ballerina

- defect to West Berlin?
- Yeah.

Well, they are afraid
that I will do same thing.

They'll watch me
even more close.

Why?

Russia needs comics.

It can spare jumpers.

Nicholai, how would you
like to give me an interview

for my magazine?

You know, life in
Russia, a comic in Russia,

your own opinions on defectors.

Gladly.

I have nothing to hide.

And I might make interesting
person to read about.

Frankly, I do lot of
reading in my life,

and I like what I
read about me best.

- Waiter, waiter.
- Yes?

- Bottle of Chianti, please.
- All right.

And two straight
vodkas over there

for Rimski and Korsakov.

That's marvelous.

Now, comrade Hollinger,
tell me your questions.

Uh, let's see.

If you do not object,
for my reputation,

I would like to start with beautiful
quote of mine about Russia.

Fair enough. Go ahead.

Russia is most
wonderful country in world.

It has view far as eye can see.

Now, here is how wonderful I am.

- Here we are.
- Mmm.

- Oh, good.
- Thank you, Nino.

- Allow me.
- Please.

See? It's like taking
Chianti from a baby.

Gentlemen.

To my new and wonderful
American colleague

- of the theater...
- Thank you.

And my new wonderful friend
of the press, Donald Hollinger.

- Thank you, Nicholai.
- A pleasure, a pleasure.

Eh.

Why don't we take a cab
and go to my apartment?

Then Donald can
finish the interview there.

- It'll be much more private.
- Nicho?

Where you live, Ann?

I live at 627 East 54th.

It's not bad idea. Drink up.

[puckering]

- Yes?
- Check, please.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Nick, I have the check.

Donald, please.
Let be my pleasure.

Please? Young man,
you run, uh, Griblic?

- What?
- Griblic, charge card.

You know, restaurants,
hotels, gas stations?

I know Griblic cover-all stores.

Sorry, sir, but we carry
only the normal amount of...

Oh, it's all right.
It's all right.

Here. Take this one.

You know, Griblic
cover-alls are really strong.

Uh, Mr. "Usschiffy"...

- Ussachevsky.
- Ussachevsky.

Uh, what is this?

- Velnik.
- Velnik.

- Surely you know Velnik.
- Well, no...

Uh, here. Let me take the check.

- I'll take the check.
- Donald, please.

Donald, please.
Do not insult me.

All right. Don't worry about.

Here, take this and
don't worry about it.

And keep it all. Come.

Um, excuse me,

what are you doing,
Mr. "Ussefchapesky"?

I am paying for meal
and leaving you big, big tip

to pay for three more.

But we don't take toy money.

- Those are rubles.
- Oh.

That is enough money in Russia

to buy me seat on
Committee of Honor.

- I'm sorry, sir, but...
- Listen, listen.

Nicho, please, let me
take care of the check.

I'll just pay him, and
then tomorrow night,

we can go to a
Russia restaurant.

You can bring your little rubles

and you'll pay for it, okay?

Well, it sounds fair
enough. It sounds all right.

But remember, is date.

- Right, date.
- Yes, it is.

Is there restroom here?

Yes. Right to the right, Nicho.

- In same building?
- In same building.

What a country!

I'll be right back.

Can't you let him
restroom in peace?

[pounding]

Donald, do you think they're
really supposed to stop him

from defecting if he wants to?

I don't know,
honey. I don't know.

Well, I think it's awful.
I think it's just awful.

I mean, if somebody
wants to defect,

they should be able to defect.

Anybody can leave this
country that wants to.

Yeah, but, honey, you're
talking about a democracy.

Russia is not a free state.

How can people live like that?

I mean, knowing that
no matter what they do,

they're not exercising
their own will.

Doesn't it do
something to your mind?

Well, I guess some
people give into it

and don't even mind it at all.

Others fight it, resist
it, are frustrated by it,

but, honey, I'm sure
it must do something

to their mind, yeah.

What are they doing?

Where's Nicholai?

- Gone.
- Gone?

But, Donald, a person just
doesn't disappear into thin air.

[gasps] Donald,
somebody's in my apartment.

All right, honey.
Stay right here.

Just stay there.

Hello?

Anybody here?

[Nicholai] Hello, Donald!

I'll be right out.

I'm in the restroom.

Well, he sure kept his word.

He said he was
going to the restroom,

he went to the restroom.

Welcome home.

Ann has a robe
just like that one.

I'm hope you are not minding.

I parked your pick-it.

I'm glad you're
all right, though.

I also took quick shower.

I was filthy exhausted
from running here.

- They almost caught me twice.
- Oh, no.

Are you sure they didn't
follow you all the way?

I do not think so. Wait.

Oh, boy, oh, boy. Oh, boy.

They are there.

- Where?
- Look down there.

I don't see them.

- I don't see them either.
- Of course not.

NKVD is not letting
themselves be seen.

If you are seeing
them, believe me,

it is not them you are seeing.

What are you going to do?

Nothing. Nothing.

For one night, nothing.

I would like to have one
night with nothing on my mind.

Tomorrow I will
work out the details.

What? What details?

Wait a minute. Will
they come up here?

Of course not. This
is private house.

They will not bother you.

As long as I stay
here, I am free.

Is why I would like one
night with no problem.

And Anya, darling,

I could not have picked
nicer person to defect to.

Defecting? To me?

You don't like that?

Oh, Nicholai, I think
it's a great honor!

Nicholai, you're
actually going to give up

your Russian citizenship
and seek asylum here?

Exactly.

What a story. What a story.

I'm going to call my editor.

Donald, shouldn't you
call somebody else first?

I mean, like the
FBI or the police?

"Russian Comedy Star
"Defects to Apartment

of American Starlet Ann Marie."

- Call your editor.
- No, wait.

- Don't call so fast.
- Why not?

Uh, well, we should wait
24 hours for sake of family.

- Your family?
- Yes.

You see, I tell family
what I was going to do,

and they need time to
protect themselves in Russia.

- Oh.
- What's your plan?

Plan? My plan?

I have plan.

My plan was...
tomorrow, I was going to,

when troop go back, slip away.

But tonight I see was
better opportunity to skip out.

So in last second in restaurant,

I decide to skip
instead of slip.

- Won't they report you missing?
- No, no.

I'm am doing this
before... for day,

and then coming back by myself.

Donald, please, do not
report me for 24 hours.

You see, tomorrow,
when troop go back,

NKVD go with them.

Their visas are up, too.

Oh, Donald, let's do it.

Let's give him the 24 hours.

Well, he'd have to
stay here over night.

Well, so what?

That would be nice.

Oh, Donald, we could stay up,

all of us tonight, and
have wine and cheese

and... and celebrate
his defection.

Oh, Donald, I love it.

It's like something
out of 1939 in Europe.

I'm Marlene Dietrich
and he's Paul Muni

and you're Gary Cooper.

And Peter Lorre and Sydney
Greenstreet out there have real guns.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Uh... Uh, good-bye.

If you expect to see
or not see both of them,

forget it.

What do you mean?

One of them isn't there.

Why do you say that?

Because one of them is in
a phone booth somewhere

hanging up from talking to me.

What did he say?

Well, he said that if I
had any brains at all,

I'd... I'd send Nicho
back to his hotel.

They frighten you. They
frighten you, korzinka.

That's it. That's all.
That's it. That's all.

To jeopardize my own life

or life of my
family is one thing.

Not crazy about
most of them anyway.

But to cause you one moment,

even one second concern,

even though I know
it's perfectly safe,

it's not worth it.

No.

I am turning myself in.

- Oh, no, Nicho!
- You're right.

Nicho, now, look.

I don't want Ann to be in
any danger whatsoever.

Now, is there any chance they
may come up here or bother her?

No chance. She has
done nothing wrong.

This is your country. Only your
government can persecute you.

- Do they know that?
- Who?

- The NVDV.
- NKVD.

Of course, you're
safe. Believe me.

Honey, I'm sure he's right.

- Listen, let me make a call.
- Who you calling?

A friend of mine who's a lawyer.

Will he know these problems?

Well, he specializes in automobile
accidents and defections.

Well, I'm going to
make some coffee.

I will help you.

Hello? Barry?

Barry, Don Hollinger.

Yeah, fine, fine. How are you?

Listen, do you know anything
about international law?

Defections, to be specific.

What will you do after
tomorrow, Nicholai?

I will go to nearest
federal courthouse

and ask for asylum.

Or else maybe I will
go to nearest asylum

and ask for courthouse.

You don't seem very concerned.

I mean, even for your family.

Well, my family
will be totally safe.

Tomorrow, before government
find out about my defection,

my family will be on
holiday to Switzerland.

Oh. How many are
there in your family?

Let me see.

There's Krinsky and Minsky,

and Mushi and Pinsk,
Nevsky and Hevsky,

and Levsky and Blintz.

Nicholai, Picholai,
Sasha and Kettle,

Donda and Blitzen
and Peanut and Brendle.

Oh, Nicholai.

Grutzky and Hutsky
from Vladivostok,

from Moscow comes
Bashful and Dopey and Doc.

Nilovic, Pilovic,
Zilovic, Dolovic,

Palovic, Milovic,
Cheesavic, Sandavic.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Listen. Listen. I
just talked to Barry,

my attorney friend, and he said

you were right, Nicholai.

You're safe as
long as you're here,

and we have nothing
to worry about.

Yeah, but, suppose
they call again.

They're only trying
to frighten you.

Yeah, and are they good at it.

Good morning, sweet person.

[moans]

Uh, good morning,
honey. What time is it?

Shh. It's 7:30.

[groans]

I... I gotta get home
and get dressed.

- Is there any coffee left.
- Yes, there is, Donald.

But, I thought
it'd be a good idea

if we went out for coffee.

I wanna talk to you
about something.

Shh. Please.

- Here, honey.
- Thank you, Donald.

You know, Donald, I was
thinking about it all night.

I don't know what it
is, but something really

bothers me about Nicholai.

In what way?

Well, I don't know. It just...

It just seems to me
that he should be

a little more concerned.

I mean, a little more
terrified. Just more...

Ann?

Shh. Don't look. Don't look.

- It's them.
- Who?

The VKVK.

Where?

Don't look. Don't look.

Now look. Look.

Yeah, it's them,
all right, honey.

But listen, don't worry.

There's nothing
they can do to us

or they would do to us.

But, why are they
following us around?

Calm down. There's
nothing they can do.

I'm more concerned with
your feelings about Nicholai.

Oh, well... Well,
it's just that...

Well, Donald, I look
at things as an actress.

And... And it just seems to me

that if I were
gonna play the part

that Nicholai is
living, I wouldn't play it

the way he is in
a million years.

He's playing it like Clark
Gable in Idiot's Delight.

He should be playing it like...

Well, like Humphrey
Bogart in Casablanca.

What does that
mean exactly, honey?

He should just
be more terrified.

Look, hey, I know
he's a comedian.

But... But, still,
his humor should...

Should have more fear
and more concern in it.

You know like a little...
[gasp] nervous laugh,

instead of such a genuine laugh.

Seems to me that he's...

He's totally out of character.

Well, honey,
tomorrow by this time,

it'll all be out of our hands...

Hopefully, by this afternoon.

Why, what's this afternoon?

Well, last night, after
you went to sleep,

Nicholai...

We stayed up a little
while longer and talked.

And he asked me to buy
him some American clothes.

He's gonna slip outta here

in this clothes this afternoon.

You're kidding.

And frankly, there
wasn't anything about

his behavior that disturbed me.

I thought his humor was just
an attempt to put us at ease.

Of course, like Pagliacci.

"Even though your
heart is breaking,

"laugh, clown, laugh."

Sure, that's another
way you could play it.

Who are you?

I am Nicholai Ussachevsky, sir.

Famous Russian comedian.

And I am house guest
of Miss Ann Marie,

famous American
actress. Who are you?

I am Lou Marie. Father of
the famous American actress.

You have exactly five minutes

to tell me what you're
doing in my daughter's robe.

- Daddy?
- Hello, sweetheart.

Anna, Anna.

I have meeting with your father.

And he is most wonderful
man in the world.

Look at what he buy me.

In one meeting, he
went out. Look at me.

Oh, you look marvelous.

Daddy, that's
terrific. Thank you.

The old man doesn't have
such bad taste, after all, does he?

Not at all. But,
Donald was going out

to buy Nicho's clothes
for slipping away.

Well, this is after
slip away wear.

He needs some American
clothes to get started.

Isn't he wonderful?

I love him already
like my won father.

Your father? Now wait a minute.

No, no, my father is young man,

younger than me. He
is my younger father.

Well, I got you some shirts.

Donald went to get you
pants and a sports jacket.

- You like 'em?
- Oh, they're beautiful.

And red!

[Russian accent] Don
is already gotten you

a sports jacket and some slacks.

Oh, oh, oh.

[sighs] Oh, my
wonderful friends.

I will never be
able to repay you.

Please, don't even think of it.

Don't worry.

He won't.

Donald.

Uh, ah, take it easy,
honey. Take it easy.

- Who are you men?
- Daddy, don't start.

That's the KDTV.

- The what?
- The NKVD.

NKVD.? Well, this is America.

You can't do anything to us.

I'm afraid you're right.
But, you seem to have

already done it to each other.

[Donald] What are
you talking about?

We are not with NKVD.

[Ann] You're not?

[Donald] Who are you?

We are from economic department.

You have been
trying to stop Nicho

from defecting.

Ha, I wish we could
talk him into defecting.

He is, what I think
you call in your country,

a, uh... a con man,

- a conniver, a, uh...
- [Lou] Cheat.

Cheat.

From everybody in every country

he steals food, clothes, money

with same, made-up
defection story.

Is that not right, crook?

Crook? Crook?

You call me crook?

Crook is bad word.

I want word with
little more color.

Chiseler has a ring to it.

I am chiseler, ding-dong.

Oh, it's all my fault.

I just so wanted
to believe that he

wanted to defect,
that I just accepted

everything that he
said. And I made...

I made all of us a
perfect target for him.

It just seemed
so stupid, Donald.

I mean, he could have
stayed in this country

if he wanted to. He
spoke English beautifully.

Donald, am I crazy?

No, honey, no. You're not crazy.

It's normal to expect
everyone to want

what we have. Now,
stop knocking yourself.

You did what you did
out of a feeling of pity

for your fellow man
and pride in your country.

And what more could you ask for?

A hundred dollars worth of wine

food, and clothes

for you, Daddy, and myself...

And a good night's rest.

Next.

Honey, the painting we like

is right around here somewhere.

We'll take another look at it.

- Maybe we'll buy it.
- Donald. Don't look.

Honey, that kind
of spoils the fun

of going through an art gallery.

I mean that I've got a
feeling we're being watched.

Honey, don't be
silly. Now, come on.

Let's look at the painting.

- Look, Donald.
- What?

I told you the NKVD
is around here.

Look. Look at the red star.

Honey, the red star
means the painting is sold.

Oh, I'm sorry, Donald.

I dunno what's the matter
with me. I just got this feeling.

Okay, will you relax? Now, look.

Look, not only isn't
anybody staring at ya,

- there's nobody else here.
- Yeah, you're right.

I dunno why I had that feeling.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪

♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

That Girl!