That Girl (1966–1971): Season 4, Episode 4 - Nobody Here But Us Chickens - full transcript
Ann's latest job is as Miss Chicken Big, the public face for the Chicken Big fried chicken fast food chain owned by a good old southerner named Major Culpepper. Ann's job as Miss Chicken Big - which requires her to be dressed in a chicken costume - is to accompany the Major to Chicken Big franchises in the region to do in-restaurant promotions. On her first day on the job, she finds out that the Major chose her more for his attraction to her as a woman than her ability as an actress. An incident between the two leads to Ann being stranded in the middle of nowhere wearing her chicken costume. Her situation is a dilemma not only in trying to make it home to New York City, but trying to make it to Brewster by that evening to attend a banquet where her father is receiving a prestigious award.
[imitating chicken clucking]
[knock on door] Who is it?
Hollinger, Newsview magazine.
Come in, Donald.
Hi.
[imitating chicken clucking]
It didn't work. What?
When you kissed me.
Was I supposed to
turn into a rooster?
No, you weren't.
I'd like you to meet
Doris, my acting coach.
Say hello to Doris.
[clears throat]
Hello, Doris. I'm Don.
What's a nice chick like
you doing in a place like this?
Doris is gonna
help me get a job.
Oh! As a butcher?
No, as an actress playing
the part of a chicken.
Oh, wonderful. Could you play
the wing? That's my favorite part.
Donald, haven't you
ever heard of Chicken Big,
the famous chain of
fried chicken stores?
Of course.
Well, they happen to be
looking for a Miss Chicken Big
to be the symbol
of their stores,
and tomorrow, I audition.
Oh. Oh, that's why you're
studying the behavior of the chicken.
Correct. Watch this.
[imitating a chicken]
Am I the best chicken
you've ever seen?
The envelope, please.
The winner of the best
chicken I've ever seen...
that chicken.
And the winner of the biggest
cuckoo bird that ever lived...
in New York... that girl.
[imitating a chicken]
♪♪ [theme]
[women imitating chickens]
Heads up, gals.
Look proud. Walk tall.
Step lively. Get the lead
out of your tail feathers.
How's this little one
doing, Mr. Clarke?
Well, I'd say she's done
fairly well cluck-wise.
Her strutting is average,
and I'd say she's
superior in peck and puck.
Young lady, let's take another
look at that strut of yours.
Oh, yes. Yes, Major.
[imitating a chicken]
Not bad. Not bad at all.
Oh, thank you, Major.
You know, on such short notice
there wasn't time
to master it all.
So I just thought I'd give everything
I had to cluck, peck, and puck.
Well, that's fine. You're hired.
I'm what?
Hired!
You've got the job.
Oh, my gosh!
Welcome to the coop.
Oh, thank you, Major.
Oh, I'm sorry. You were
really very good, too.
I thought your cluck
was a lot better than mine.
Thanks a lot, girls.
I sure appreciate
your coming up.
I really did think
they were very good.
Oh, then maybe we better
take another look at them.
Well, no! I mean, uh,
sure, if you want to.
You start work tomorrow
morning at 8 sharp.
Thank you.
What kind of commercial is this?
I mean, is it on
film or tape or what?
Well, you and the Major will be
making a personal appearance tour
of our suburban locations.
Going from store to store.
Store to store?
I'll give you a complete
itinerary while we rehearse.
Store to store?
This here is show business, gal.
You're gonna be a-dancin' and
cavorting' at my chicken coops
all over the New York area.
Coop to coop.
And Walter here will tell you
what you're gonna be a-doin'.
We'll rehearse in my office.
Oh, that'll be fine.
And just as soon
as you're finished,
why, you come on up to
my suite at the Plaza Hotel.
We got to celebrate your
appointment as Miss Chicken Big.
We're gonna have dinner...
Oh, I'm sorry, Major.
I really couldn't have dinner.
I've already planned to have
diner at my apartment tonight.
Well, that'll be just nifty.
We'll go there.
Well, uh... Well, you see,
that really wouldn't be possible
because my
father's coming and...
Well, bless your
little heart, child.
Walter, see that
this little lady
has two of my delicious
Chicken Big dinners
to take home for the kitchen.
Oh, thank you.
Two number 1s.
Major, I just want you to know
that I'm gonna do my
very best to be the...
To be there greatest
chicken that ever...
chickened.
Thanks a lot.
So out of 50 girls, they
picked my little Annie.
That's right, Daddy.
It figures.
If anybody would
be perfect for the job,
it would be my daughter.
Thank you, Daddy.
What's the job?
[imitating a chicken]
Bawk!
That's my job. I'm
gonna be a chicken.
A chicken? Uh-huh.
You see, I'm going to all
the towns in the suburbs
where they sell Chicken Big.
Chicken Big?
Yeah. Well, it's a chain of...
I know all about them.
300 identical coops.
Two in Brewster.
Isn't that just dandy?
My own flesh and blood is
working for my worst competition.
What are you talking about?
Ann, have you any idea
what these take-out places
are doing to the
restaurant business?
Oh, Daddy, that
never occurred to me.
Look, if you want me
to turn this job down,
just say so and that's it.
You've lost a daughter.
No, sweetheart, you take it.
I'll whup 'em fair and square
with my good food
and my fantastic charm.
[phone rings]
Hello? Oh, Donald, hi! I got it!
Yeah! I'm gonna
be Miss Chicken Big.
Daddy's here now.
[laughs] That's funny.
Okay. I do. You, too.
Bye.
What's funny? About what?
"Daddy's here now."
Ha ha ha ha ha. "That's funny."
What?
Well, Donald just wanted
me to ask you how you feel
knowing you raised a chicken.
That's not funny...
but it's better.
Let's eat. Are you hungry?
I could eat a horse.
What's for dinner?
Compliments of your competition.
Chicken Big.
I'd sooner eat a horse.
You know, I start
work tomorrow morning.
We're visiting all the stores
through southern Connecticut.
Ann, this job you're
on, Mission: Inedible,
it's not gonna keep you
from coming to my affair.
What affair?
You don't remember?
You've forgotten about one of the
biggest nights in your father's life?
Oh, that thing.
That thing?
That whatchamacallit
where something and
they're giving you a what's-it
or something or other?
I wonder if you can
divorce a daughter.
I mean it's not as if the
Westchester Boniface Association
was coming to your place
to name you
Restauranteur of the Year,
which I wouldn't
miss for the world,
and I'd buy a new
dress for, which I bought.
And do you really
think I'd forget?
It isn't easy being your father.
Now don't you worry
your pretty head, little gal.
I'm gonna get you back
here tonight in oodles of time.
You're sure, Major?
You have the word of
a Southern gentleman.
You're very sweet.
Like honey in the comb.
Like chicken in the fryer.
I hear you talkin'!
Are you ready to go?
Just as soon as we get
you tied down. Tied down?
It finally got here.
All right, let's get this
thing on, Miss Marie.
What's in there?
You might call it the chicken
that laid the golden egg.
Oh, yes, you could.
Hurry it up, Miss Marie.
Yes, I will. I'll just
be a few minutes.
I can hardly wait.
Walter, I think I'm
falling in love again.
Come on out, little chicken.
We are ready for you.
I hope so because I'm
sure not ready for me.
Well?
Whoooooo!
You really like it?
Like it? Why, I love it!
What's the matter,
little chicken?
You don't seem too happy.
Well, it's just that I
thought it was gonna be a...
a little less... Disneyland
and a little more Las Vegas.
Huh?
More plucked.
Oh, you mean... you mean sexy.
Well, now you just might
have something there.
Yeah, but who could
see it in this outfit?
Walter Walter! Take a note!
You're gonna have to do
something about this girl's outfit.
Looks like I've been
swallowed by a giant chicken.
And now, chicken
livers... I mean lovers,
I proudly present that
fine feathered friend
of the American housewife,
reminding you if when
it comes time for supper,
don't think big,
think Chicken Big.
Miss Chicken Big herself
performing her world-famous
courtship dance of the chicken.
Walter.
♪♪ [Chicken Dance]
Look at that, boy.
Don't that grab ya?
♪♪ [music continues]
[music stops,
applause] Whoo hoo!
♪♪ [Chicken Dance]
[record skipping]
[record playing]
[applause] Whoo!
Whoo!
♪♪ [Chicken Dance]
Don't go away,
folks Don't go away!
It's time for the
lucky number draw!
Walter, will you get the bowl?
And now Miss Chicken Big
is gonna reach into this bowl
and pluck out the lucky number
that's gonna bring
some fortunate folks
their shares of riches untold!
If you please, my
little chickadee.
Ah, she got one!
And the number is... 41!
[Woman] It's me!
Hey, we got a winner!
♪♪ [square dance]
One more stop, and
we can call it a day.
I'll mind the store, son.
Why don't you just take off
and grab the train back to town?
Train? Didn't you promise Miss
Marie you'd drive her back to New York?
You better get crackin', boy.
Five minutes more and
you'll miss that choo-choo.
[chuckles] Time to mix a
little pleasure with business.
You do read me.
Good luck, Major, but
don't count your chickens.
[applause]
Well, my little chickadee,
the day is done and
shadows have fallen.
You were superb.
Thank you, Major.
Oh, Major, could
I borrow a dime?
I wanna call my boyfriend
and tell him we're through.
Why, sure!
Here you are, my
dear. Take a dollar.
Oh, I don't think
there's a slot for that.
You are so right! Ha ha!
Well, here you go. Thank you.
[laughs]
Oh.
Major, would you mind just
putting the dime in the slot for me
and dial the operator?
Gladly, my dear.
Donald, the Major's
gonna drive me home.
Yeah. We should be there
in about an hour and a half.
Okay.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
He's been a perfect
gentleman from the word go.
Okay. Don't worry.
Bye. I love you, too.
Bye.
Gee, it's dark out.
What time is it?
Relax, gal. We'll be
home before you know it.
Wow, that was some day.
You done real good.
I'm right proud of you, honey.
I goofed the dance a little.
Shucks, you're a
regular Pavlova.
Fact is, why, you're just
about perfect in every way.
Oh, Major! That
sign we just passed.
I think it said New
York's the other direction.
I didn't notice.
We better just back
up and check the sign.
We'll get there, gal.
The world's round.
What say we stop along the road
and have a little
friendly drink?
Oh, thanks, Major, but I can't.
I've really got to
get back and change
to get ready for
my father's dinner.
There's a cute little inn
right down the road apiece.
No, I really can't, Major.
Please. Will you
please take me home?
With all those folks a-comin',
why, your daddy won't say
nothing if you're a little late.
Major, I'm sure this
isn't the right road.
Now please. Will you
please turn the car around?
Relax and enjoy, sweetheart.
She loves me. She loves me not.
She loves me. She loves
you not! Now stop that!
I'm getting out of this car!
[tires screech]
How are you gonna get home, gal?
Don't worry about me! I
can take care of myself!
Well, I can see that.
Oh, come on. Hop in the car.
I guarantee to take you
straight to your coop.
No, thank you.
I wouldn't get back in that
car if I was still in my shell.
You ain't gonna hold a
grudge now, are you, gal?
See you Monday morning?
No chance! You can just
get yourself another chicken!
Well, like Robert E. Lee
said, "You can't win 'em all."
And I just realized anybody can
be a gentleman from the word go.
What counts is being a
gentleman from the word stop.
And you flunked!
And I'm gonna report
you to the state police!
And Actors Equity!
And the ASPCA!
And the AF of Chickens!
Donald!
Hey!
Hey!
[tires screech] Oh!
Thanks! I'm coming!
You were right, Margie,
it is a big chicken!
Hey!
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Thanks a heap!
Yes, I called Ann's
apartment, Donald,
and the answering service
gave me the same message.
Ann will be there.
But when? And where is she now?
Still pushing that
crummy fried chicken.
That's a good idea, Don.
You go over to her
place and wait for her.
And, Don, call us as
soon as she arrives, hmm?
Oh, well, yes, I'm sure she wouldn't
want to miss Lew's affair for anything.
Right.
Well, maybe they had car
trouble on the way back to town.
Even so, she could
get to a phone.
Lew, relax. Ann will be there.
She wouldn't
miss it for anything.
If I hear that again,
I'll go right up the wall.
Helen, I want Ann to be there
when they award me
that golden knife and fork.
Darling, she'll be
there. Don't worry.
Don't worry she says.
[rings doorbell]
Hi. Well, hello, chicken.
Uh, is your mommy home?
Uh-uh, chicken.
Is your daddy home?
Uh-uh, chicken. Oh.
Are you home all by yourself?
No, chicken. My
sister's taking a shower.
Oh. Honey, would it be okay if I
came in and used the telephone?
Uh-uh. We're not allowed
to have animals in the house.
Oh.
I'm not an animal. I'm a person.
Oh. I thought you
were a chicken.
No, of course I'm not a chicken.
Chicken's don't talk.
Oh.
So would it be all right
if I came in and
use the telephone?
Uh-uh.
We're not allowed to have
strange people in the house.
[door closes]
And I am some strange person.
[tires screech]
Yes, you were right.
It is a big chicken.
Want a lift?
No, I'm just sitting
here hatching this rock.
Of course I want a lift!
Hop in.
Thank you.
Hi.
I've got to let my
father know where I am.
Do you know how far it is
to the nearest public phone?
Maybe ten miles.
Ten miles?
So why not use mine?
Oh, my gosh! How does it work?
Just push the button and
give the operator the number.
Operator?
Yes, I'd like a number,
please, in Brewster.
It's 226-5098.
Yes. Thank you.
How much is it a call?
Chicken feed.
Be my guest.
Thank you.
Hello? Harry? Ann.
Could I please talk to
my mother or father?
No, that's okay,
don't bother them.
Just tell them
that I'm all right
and that I'm trying
everything I can to be there.
Okay, thanks. Bye.
Brewster's only about
12 miles from here.
I can drop you buy
your dad's restaurant.
In this outfit? He'd kill me.
Wanna borrow one of my suits?
Hey, that's it. Huh?
My parents live in Brewster.
We could just stop off
there and get a dress
and then you can drop me off.
What time is it? Quarter to 9.
Oh, sure. I can still
make it to the restaurant
in plenty of time to see
my father get his award.
You really don't
mind taking me over?
Not at all.
Unless you wanna
forget the whole thing
and come to my place.
Now don't you start.
It's that sexy outfit.
I don't know what
it is about feathers
that turns men into beasts.
Oh, thanks a lot.
I'll wait for you to change.
That's okay.
I can use my mom's
car to drive over.
How are you gonna get in?
Oh, no problem.
Somebody always leaves
the key under the mat.
Good-bye. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.
Bye!
[dog barks]
[car drives away]
Oh, my gosh! I forgot!
I'm the one who always used
to leave the key under the mat.
[growling]
[barking]
[barking]
Hey!
Oh, no! Wait a minute!
No! I'm not a chicken!
Sit! Oh!
Well, everything considered,
it was a very lovely affair,
if you overlook the
fact that my only child
didn't show up or
even bother to call.
Well, I'm sure there
was a good reason.
After all, she... Helen!
What has the Maxwell's
dog dragged up on our lawn?
M-Mommy.
Da-da... Daddy.
Boy, if you think
the Major was tough,
you should try his chicken.
I am so glad to be
out of those feathers.
Honey, I'm sorry you
had such a terrible day,
but there wasn't anything
I could do about it.
Oh, it really wasn't so awful.
I mean, it was kind
of a flattering 12 hours.
Three males fell
in love with me.
Three? Mm-hmm.
Well, first, there
was the Major.
I guess you couldn't
really call that love.
And then there
was the darling guy
in the fancy car
with a telephone.
But I guess that was
really more fawn than love.
But the third.
The third, that was love.
I mean, the way
he pinned me down
and panted deeply into my face.
That was love.
[chuckles]
You wanna neck?
I'd love to.
Throw that chicken away.
[knock on door] Who is it?
Hollinger, Newsview magazine.
Come in, Donald.
Hi.
[imitating chicken clucking]
It didn't work. What?
When you kissed me.
Was I supposed to
turn into a rooster?
No, you weren't.
I'd like you to meet
Doris, my acting coach.
Say hello to Doris.
[clears throat]
Hello, Doris. I'm Don.
What's a nice chick like
you doing in a place like this?
Doris is gonna
help me get a job.
Oh! As a butcher?
No, as an actress playing
the part of a chicken.
Oh, wonderful. Could you play
the wing? That's my favorite part.
Donald, haven't you
ever heard of Chicken Big,
the famous chain of
fried chicken stores?
Of course.
Well, they happen to be
looking for a Miss Chicken Big
to be the symbol
of their stores,
and tomorrow, I audition.
Oh. Oh, that's why you're
studying the behavior of the chicken.
Correct. Watch this.
[imitating a chicken]
Am I the best chicken
you've ever seen?
The envelope, please.
The winner of the best
chicken I've ever seen...
that chicken.
And the winner of the biggest
cuckoo bird that ever lived...
in New York... that girl.
[imitating a chicken]
♪♪ [theme]
[women imitating chickens]
Heads up, gals.
Look proud. Walk tall.
Step lively. Get the lead
out of your tail feathers.
How's this little one
doing, Mr. Clarke?
Well, I'd say she's done
fairly well cluck-wise.
Her strutting is average,
and I'd say she's
superior in peck and puck.
Young lady, let's take another
look at that strut of yours.
Oh, yes. Yes, Major.
[imitating a chicken]
Not bad. Not bad at all.
Oh, thank you, Major.
You know, on such short notice
there wasn't time
to master it all.
So I just thought I'd give everything
I had to cluck, peck, and puck.
Well, that's fine. You're hired.
I'm what?
Hired!
You've got the job.
Oh, my gosh!
Welcome to the coop.
Oh, thank you, Major.
Oh, I'm sorry. You were
really very good, too.
I thought your cluck
was a lot better than mine.
Thanks a lot, girls.
I sure appreciate
your coming up.
I really did think
they were very good.
Oh, then maybe we better
take another look at them.
Well, no! I mean, uh,
sure, if you want to.
You start work tomorrow
morning at 8 sharp.
Thank you.
What kind of commercial is this?
I mean, is it on
film or tape or what?
Well, you and the Major will be
making a personal appearance tour
of our suburban locations.
Going from store to store.
Store to store?
I'll give you a complete
itinerary while we rehearse.
Store to store?
This here is show business, gal.
You're gonna be a-dancin' and
cavorting' at my chicken coops
all over the New York area.
Coop to coop.
And Walter here will tell you
what you're gonna be a-doin'.
We'll rehearse in my office.
Oh, that'll be fine.
And just as soon
as you're finished,
why, you come on up to
my suite at the Plaza Hotel.
We got to celebrate your
appointment as Miss Chicken Big.
We're gonna have dinner...
Oh, I'm sorry, Major.
I really couldn't have dinner.
I've already planned to have
diner at my apartment tonight.
Well, that'll be just nifty.
We'll go there.
Well, uh... Well, you see,
that really wouldn't be possible
because my
father's coming and...
Well, bless your
little heart, child.
Walter, see that
this little lady
has two of my delicious
Chicken Big dinners
to take home for the kitchen.
Oh, thank you.
Two number 1s.
Major, I just want you to know
that I'm gonna do my
very best to be the...
To be there greatest
chicken that ever...
chickened.
Thanks a lot.
So out of 50 girls, they
picked my little Annie.
That's right, Daddy.
It figures.
If anybody would
be perfect for the job,
it would be my daughter.
Thank you, Daddy.
What's the job?
[imitating a chicken]
Bawk!
That's my job. I'm
gonna be a chicken.
A chicken? Uh-huh.
You see, I'm going to all
the towns in the suburbs
where they sell Chicken Big.
Chicken Big?
Yeah. Well, it's a chain of...
I know all about them.
300 identical coops.
Two in Brewster.
Isn't that just dandy?
My own flesh and blood is
working for my worst competition.
What are you talking about?
Ann, have you any idea
what these take-out places
are doing to the
restaurant business?
Oh, Daddy, that
never occurred to me.
Look, if you want me
to turn this job down,
just say so and that's it.
You've lost a daughter.
No, sweetheart, you take it.
I'll whup 'em fair and square
with my good food
and my fantastic charm.
[phone rings]
Hello? Oh, Donald, hi! I got it!
Yeah! I'm gonna
be Miss Chicken Big.
Daddy's here now.
[laughs] That's funny.
Okay. I do. You, too.
Bye.
What's funny? About what?
"Daddy's here now."
Ha ha ha ha ha. "That's funny."
What?
Well, Donald just wanted
me to ask you how you feel
knowing you raised a chicken.
That's not funny...
but it's better.
Let's eat. Are you hungry?
I could eat a horse.
What's for dinner?
Compliments of your competition.
Chicken Big.
I'd sooner eat a horse.
You know, I start
work tomorrow morning.
We're visiting all the stores
through southern Connecticut.
Ann, this job you're
on, Mission: Inedible,
it's not gonna keep you
from coming to my affair.
What affair?
You don't remember?
You've forgotten about one of the
biggest nights in your father's life?
Oh, that thing.
That thing?
That whatchamacallit
where something and
they're giving you a what's-it
or something or other?
I wonder if you can
divorce a daughter.
I mean it's not as if the
Westchester Boniface Association
was coming to your place
to name you
Restauranteur of the Year,
which I wouldn't
miss for the world,
and I'd buy a new
dress for, which I bought.
And do you really
think I'd forget?
It isn't easy being your father.
Now don't you worry
your pretty head, little gal.
I'm gonna get you back
here tonight in oodles of time.
You're sure, Major?
You have the word of
a Southern gentleman.
You're very sweet.
Like honey in the comb.
Like chicken in the fryer.
I hear you talkin'!
Are you ready to go?
Just as soon as we get
you tied down. Tied down?
It finally got here.
All right, let's get this
thing on, Miss Marie.
What's in there?
You might call it the chicken
that laid the golden egg.
Oh, yes, you could.
Hurry it up, Miss Marie.
Yes, I will. I'll just
be a few minutes.
I can hardly wait.
Walter, I think I'm
falling in love again.
Come on out, little chicken.
We are ready for you.
I hope so because I'm
sure not ready for me.
Well?
Whoooooo!
You really like it?
Like it? Why, I love it!
What's the matter,
little chicken?
You don't seem too happy.
Well, it's just that I
thought it was gonna be a...
a little less... Disneyland
and a little more Las Vegas.
Huh?
More plucked.
Oh, you mean... you mean sexy.
Well, now you just might
have something there.
Yeah, but who could
see it in this outfit?
Walter Walter! Take a note!
You're gonna have to do
something about this girl's outfit.
Looks like I've been
swallowed by a giant chicken.
And now, chicken
livers... I mean lovers,
I proudly present that
fine feathered friend
of the American housewife,
reminding you if when
it comes time for supper,
don't think big,
think Chicken Big.
Miss Chicken Big herself
performing her world-famous
courtship dance of the chicken.
Walter.
♪♪ [Chicken Dance]
Look at that, boy.
Don't that grab ya?
♪♪ [music continues]
[music stops,
applause] Whoo hoo!
♪♪ [Chicken Dance]
[record skipping]
[record playing]
[applause] Whoo!
Whoo!
♪♪ [Chicken Dance]
Don't go away,
folks Don't go away!
It's time for the
lucky number draw!
Walter, will you get the bowl?
And now Miss Chicken Big
is gonna reach into this bowl
and pluck out the lucky number
that's gonna bring
some fortunate folks
their shares of riches untold!
If you please, my
little chickadee.
Ah, she got one!
And the number is... 41!
[Woman] It's me!
Hey, we got a winner!
♪♪ [square dance]
One more stop, and
we can call it a day.
I'll mind the store, son.
Why don't you just take off
and grab the train back to town?
Train? Didn't you promise Miss
Marie you'd drive her back to New York?
You better get crackin', boy.
Five minutes more and
you'll miss that choo-choo.
[chuckles] Time to mix a
little pleasure with business.
You do read me.
Good luck, Major, but
don't count your chickens.
[applause]
Well, my little chickadee,
the day is done and
shadows have fallen.
You were superb.
Thank you, Major.
Oh, Major, could
I borrow a dime?
I wanna call my boyfriend
and tell him we're through.
Why, sure!
Here you are, my
dear. Take a dollar.
Oh, I don't think
there's a slot for that.
You are so right! Ha ha!
Well, here you go. Thank you.
[laughs]
Oh.
Major, would you mind just
putting the dime in the slot for me
and dial the operator?
Gladly, my dear.
Donald, the Major's
gonna drive me home.
Yeah. We should be there
in about an hour and a half.
Okay.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
He's been a perfect
gentleman from the word go.
Okay. Don't worry.
Bye. I love you, too.
Bye.
Gee, it's dark out.
What time is it?
Relax, gal. We'll be
home before you know it.
Wow, that was some day.
You done real good.
I'm right proud of you, honey.
I goofed the dance a little.
Shucks, you're a
regular Pavlova.
Fact is, why, you're just
about perfect in every way.
Oh, Major! That
sign we just passed.
I think it said New
York's the other direction.
I didn't notice.
We better just back
up and check the sign.
We'll get there, gal.
The world's round.
What say we stop along the road
and have a little
friendly drink?
Oh, thanks, Major, but I can't.
I've really got to
get back and change
to get ready for
my father's dinner.
There's a cute little inn
right down the road apiece.
No, I really can't, Major.
Please. Will you
please take me home?
With all those folks a-comin',
why, your daddy won't say
nothing if you're a little late.
Major, I'm sure this
isn't the right road.
Now please. Will you
please turn the car around?
Relax and enjoy, sweetheart.
She loves me. She loves me not.
She loves me. She loves
you not! Now stop that!
I'm getting out of this car!
[tires screech]
How are you gonna get home, gal?
Don't worry about me! I
can take care of myself!
Well, I can see that.
Oh, come on. Hop in the car.
I guarantee to take you
straight to your coop.
No, thank you.
I wouldn't get back in that
car if I was still in my shell.
You ain't gonna hold a
grudge now, are you, gal?
See you Monday morning?
No chance! You can just
get yourself another chicken!
Well, like Robert E. Lee
said, "You can't win 'em all."
And I just realized anybody can
be a gentleman from the word go.
What counts is being a
gentleman from the word stop.
And you flunked!
And I'm gonna report
you to the state police!
And Actors Equity!
And the ASPCA!
And the AF of Chickens!
Donald!
Hey!
Hey!
[tires screech] Oh!
Thanks! I'm coming!
You were right, Margie,
it is a big chicken!
Hey!
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Thanks a heap!
Yes, I called Ann's
apartment, Donald,
and the answering service
gave me the same message.
Ann will be there.
But when? And where is she now?
Still pushing that
crummy fried chicken.
That's a good idea, Don.
You go over to her
place and wait for her.
And, Don, call us as
soon as she arrives, hmm?
Oh, well, yes, I'm sure she wouldn't
want to miss Lew's affair for anything.
Right.
Well, maybe they had car
trouble on the way back to town.
Even so, she could
get to a phone.
Lew, relax. Ann will be there.
She wouldn't
miss it for anything.
If I hear that again,
I'll go right up the wall.
Helen, I want Ann to be there
when they award me
that golden knife and fork.
Darling, she'll be
there. Don't worry.
Don't worry she says.
[rings doorbell]
Hi. Well, hello, chicken.
Uh, is your mommy home?
Uh-uh, chicken.
Is your daddy home?
Uh-uh, chicken. Oh.
Are you home all by yourself?
No, chicken. My
sister's taking a shower.
Oh. Honey, would it be okay if I
came in and used the telephone?
Uh-uh. We're not allowed
to have animals in the house.
Oh.
I'm not an animal. I'm a person.
Oh. I thought you
were a chicken.
No, of course I'm not a chicken.
Chicken's don't talk.
Oh.
So would it be all right
if I came in and
use the telephone?
Uh-uh.
We're not allowed to have
strange people in the house.
[door closes]
And I am some strange person.
[tires screech]
Yes, you were right.
It is a big chicken.
Want a lift?
No, I'm just sitting
here hatching this rock.
Of course I want a lift!
Hop in.
Thank you.
Hi.
I've got to let my
father know where I am.
Do you know how far it is
to the nearest public phone?
Maybe ten miles.
Ten miles?
So why not use mine?
Oh, my gosh! How does it work?
Just push the button and
give the operator the number.
Operator?
Yes, I'd like a number,
please, in Brewster.
It's 226-5098.
Yes. Thank you.
How much is it a call?
Chicken feed.
Be my guest.
Thank you.
Hello? Harry? Ann.
Could I please talk to
my mother or father?
No, that's okay,
don't bother them.
Just tell them
that I'm all right
and that I'm trying
everything I can to be there.
Okay, thanks. Bye.
Brewster's only about
12 miles from here.
I can drop you buy
your dad's restaurant.
In this outfit? He'd kill me.
Wanna borrow one of my suits?
Hey, that's it. Huh?
My parents live in Brewster.
We could just stop off
there and get a dress
and then you can drop me off.
What time is it? Quarter to 9.
Oh, sure. I can still
make it to the restaurant
in plenty of time to see
my father get his award.
You really don't
mind taking me over?
Not at all.
Unless you wanna
forget the whole thing
and come to my place.
Now don't you start.
It's that sexy outfit.
I don't know what
it is about feathers
that turns men into beasts.
Oh, thanks a lot.
I'll wait for you to change.
That's okay.
I can use my mom's
car to drive over.
How are you gonna get in?
Oh, no problem.
Somebody always leaves
the key under the mat.
Good-bye. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.
Bye!
[dog barks]
[car drives away]
Oh, my gosh! I forgot!
I'm the one who always used
to leave the key under the mat.
[growling]
[barking]
[barking]
Hey!
Oh, no! Wait a minute!
No! I'm not a chicken!
Sit! Oh!
Well, everything considered,
it was a very lovely affair,
if you overlook the
fact that my only child
didn't show up or
even bother to call.
Well, I'm sure there
was a good reason.
After all, she... Helen!
What has the Maxwell's
dog dragged up on our lawn?
M-Mommy.
Da-da... Daddy.
Boy, if you think
the Major was tough,
you should try his chicken.
I am so glad to be
out of those feathers.
Honey, I'm sorry you
had such a terrible day,
but there wasn't anything
I could do about it.
Oh, it really wasn't so awful.
I mean, it was kind
of a flattering 12 hours.
Three males fell
in love with me.
Three? Mm-hmm.
Well, first, there
was the Major.
I guess you couldn't
really call that love.
And then there
was the darling guy
in the fancy car
with a telephone.
But I guess that was
really more fawn than love.
But the third.
The third, that was love.
I mean, the way
he pinned me down
and panted deeply into my face.
That was love.
[chuckles]
You wanna neck?
I'd love to.
Throw that chicken away.