That Girl (1966–1971): Season 4, Episode 15 - Tenpercent of Nothing Is Nothing - full transcript
Sandy Stone, Ann's agent, is a former stand-up comedian who gave up that life due to lack of self confidence. But an impromptu performance at a party with Ann acting as his second banana makes Sandy think that he perhaps could perform stand-up again. This second time around, he feels he needs Ann, who he coerces into performing with him at a country club banquet. He even is forgoing his 10% fee since he's her partner and not her agent in this venture. They're a hit, which leads to them doing their shtick on the banquet circuit. Ann likes the money - more money than she's made in quite a while - but she doesn't want these gigs to replace her true goal of being an actress. She also doesn't want to abandon Sandy until she feels that he has regained his confidence. Sandy may come to his own realizations about him and Ann working together on stage. Regardless of what Ann decides to do with her performing career, she feels she has to put in one last performance for Sandy's sake, which unfortunately for Donald requires his assistance.
[all laughing]
Sandy, Sandy, open mine next.
It's a very special
present for you.
Oh, thank you, Don, thank you.
Yes, it's very special.
I hope it's something
I can use, Don.
Oh! Peanuts!
[all laughing]
Oh! This one's from Ann.
[cheering]
Thank you. Thank you,
but it's really nothing.
All right. We'll see.
Now let's see now.
I can hardly wait.
She's right.
It's really nothing.
[all laughing]
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Here's something to put in it.
Oh, you got a real one.
Aw. Thank you, Ann.
I can't tell you
how grateful I am.
No one else I know ever
gave a party for her agent.
You're my agent!
[all laughing]
Wait a minute.
The fanfare, please.
[imitating fanfare]
Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here he is now,
the star of our show,
that great old
comedian turned agent
making his first comeback
and certainly not his last,
Mr. Sandy Stone.
[cheers and applause]
Come on, Sandy,
do your whole act.
Please, please,
I haven't done...
Come on, you know
you're dying to do it.
Honestly, that was
a whole other world,
and it's not that easy anyway.
I used to work with a
partner in the audience.
All right. If you
really don't want to.
I'll tell you when I
really don't want to.
I'll need a partner.
How about that girl?
This girl?
♪♪ [theme]
Okay, great.
Oh, gosh, I'm
gonna be just terrible.
You'll be great.
Now go out there.
Just start buttering
them up. Okay.
[no audible dialogue]
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Boo! Boo! Boo!
It now gives me great pleasure
to present the star of our show.
Having just completed a recent
engagement at Radio City Music Hall,
an usherette gave
him his ring back.
Boo! Boo! Boo!
All right. Without
any further ado,
my I present the
star of our show,
Sandy Stone!
Let's hear it for Sandy Stone!
Let's hear it for Sandy!
Hey, hey! Hey!
Thank you. Thank you
very much, Don. Thank you.
Now you can sit down
because I work alone.
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
I'd like to say I'm delighted
to be here, but I don't lie.
Actually, I'm sorry I'm late, but
I was held up in the subway...
like this.
And speaking of New York,
a funny thing
happened the other day.
A gentleman was sitting on a
little box in front of his jewelry store
when all of a sudden
a great big
trailer-truck came by.
From the back of the
trailer-truck, an elephant came out.
With his trunk, he smashed
the window of the jewelry store
and sucked up all the
jewelry in the whole store,
got back up on the
trailer-truck and drove away.
Well, this little man
was astounded.
He couldn't believe his eyes.
He went to the phone,
called the police and he said,
"Hello. I'd like to
report a robbery.
"I was robbed.
"How? I'll tell you how.
"A trailer-truck came
up in front of the store.
"An elephant came
out of the back.
"With his trunk, he smashed
the window of the jewelry store,
"sucked up all the jewelry,
got back up on the
trailer-truck, and he drove away."
The police said, "Wait
there. We'll be right over."
They came over, and
the place was in shambles.
They just couldn't
believe their eyes.
The policeman said, "Will you tell
us one more time what happened?"
He said, "Of course.
"A trailer-truck came
up in front of the store.
"A big elephant came
out, and with his trunk,
"he smashed the window
of the jewelry store.
"He sucked up all the
jewelry with his trunk,
got back up on the
trailer-truck, and he drove away."
The policeman said, "What
kind of an elephant was it?"
He said, "I don't know what
kind of an elephant it was.
It was a elephant
with tusks and a trunk."
Well, the policeman said, "Was it an
African elephant or an Indian elephant?"
The fella said,
"What's the difference?"
Well, the policeman said, "An
African elephant has very large ears.
An Indian elephant
has little small ears."
The fella says, "I don't know.
He had a stocking
pulled over his head."
Would you mind being
quiet while I'm telling a joke?
Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.
I didn't know those
were the jokes.
Miss, do you always
interrupt comedians?
Oh, no, sir, I would never
interrupt a comedian.
Just let me get this
ashtray and clean it out.
Look at this. All of a
sudden, I have a partner.
All right. Come on
up here. Come on.
Ladies and gentlemen,
come on, let's get her up here.
I don't wanna cast any aspersions
on your intelligence, madam,
but on your way over here, it's left
foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.
Good. Very good.
Now, would you mind
stepping a little closer, please?
Have you had your shots?
Funny. Funny!
You know, you're very
bright, witty, and intelligent,
and I like you.
Does that surprise
you? No, not at all.
Opposites attract.
Good. Very good.
But if you don't
mind, I'll tell the jokes.
Fine. Soon as you
start, I'll be quiet.
You're not eating.
I'm still full from last night.
What a party. You were terrific.
Oh, I was not. Sandy was
the one that was so great.
Wasn't he great?
He really was, but
you, you were superb.
Ann! Have I got
great news for you!
Hi! Hello, Sandy.
Listen to this. I got you a
great job this Saturday night.
You're kidding! Where?
Hello, Sandy. Massapequa.
Massapequa?
Talk about off-Broadway.
Hello, Sandy.
What's in Massapequa?
What's in Massapequa?
The annual
installation of offices
of the Massapequa
Golf and Country Club.
That's what's in
Massapequa. Chow time.
What am I gonna do there?
That sounds like a
job for a nightclub act...
Oh, no, sir!
Ann, come on! It's $200.
A hundred dollars for
you and no commission
since me your agent
is me your partner.
Sandy, you actually booked
us into a job as a comedy team?
We were great last night.
Did you hear those screams?
I haven't heard laughs like
that since I started that act.
Think it over. I've gotta
get back to the office.
Call me later. Okay.
Hello, Don.
Congratulations.
I don't want to be
in a comedy team.
So tell him. Oh, Donald!
"Oh, Donald" is good for me,
but what you gonna tell him?
I don't know. I just know he's got
his heart set on being a comic again.
Then why hasn't he tried?
Because he just doesn't
have the confidence before,
but now with me as his partner,
I guess I could really help him.
What do you think?
I think you should listen to me.
I think you should
taker my advice...
and I think I should pitch a
no-hitter in the World Series,
which is about as likely as you
listening to me and taking my advise.
So it's entirely up to you.
But I get to go to
Massapequa with you.
Saturday night.
You got us theater
tickets Saturday night.
It's okay, sweetheart.
That show will run for a year.
Your act? Saturday
night may be it.
Here, Donald, I got
you some coffee.
Oh, thank you, honey.
How is it?
If I hadn't eaten
lunch, it would be awful.
Since I was starved,
it's just terrible.
Well, it looks good.
Salmon croquettes
is the only thing
that keeps chicken from being
the food I hate most in my life.
♪♪ [fanfare] Oh, this is it.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to
the 15th annual gala
of the Massapequa
Golf and Country Club.
[applause]
And now on with the fun galore.
Here he is, ladies and
gentlemen, a wonderful comedian
who has been seen on all
the major television shows...
Sandy wrote himself
some introduction.
The very funny Sandy Stone.
[applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
The Massapequa
Golf and Country Club.
Great memories.
I used to belong to a
golf and country club.
I didn't golf, though,
I joined the country.
How many people here at this
golf and country club play country?
None, right?
That's what was
so great about it.
You see, I was the only one at
my country club who played country.
You see, to play
golf, you had to get up
4, 5, maybe 6:00 in the morning.
Country starts at
3:00 in the afternoon.
There was one hang-up, though.
You see, you can
play golf all by yourself.
To play country, you need
30 or 40 million people.
I don't think I had more than three
or four good games in my whole life.
Miss? Miss? Could
you hold it down
till I'm finished
getting my laughs?
Nobody lives forever, sir.
[laughing]
Cute. Cute.
Speaking of traffic, you
know, ladies and gentlemen.
I had a lot of trouble
getting here tonight.
Our luck. You made it.
[laughing]
Donald, I think
they really liked it.
You were a smash. Where's Sandy?
He's backstage
talking to some lady.
Oh, Donald, I'm
so happy for him.
So am I. You're pretty
terrific, you know that?
Oh, he was the whole act.
He wrote my lines
and everything.
You know, I think
he's not gonna be
too frightened to go
out on his again now.
Maybe so. Ask him.
Ann, you were great! Just great!
I was so proud of you!
Great. Well, I couldn't have done it
tonight without you... or Wednesday.
Well... Or Wednesday?
The lady I was just talking to?
She just hired us
to entertain at her
ladies auxiliary
banquet this Wednesday.
We're in, Ann! We're on our way!
It's a tie with
salmon croquettes.
Oh, Donald, I'm sorry.
Can't you get yourself a
job at a Chinese wedding?
I promise this is the last one.
An Italian bar mitzvah
would be good.
One night with the Anti-Chicken
League would be a bonanza.
You don't have to come with me
to every one of these, you know.
Last Wednesday, you
were at the ladies auxiliary.
Saturday, it was the League
for New York Women Voters.
Tonight, it's this thing.
If I didn't come with you,
I wouldn't see you at all.
[Man] Uh, Miss, some
warm rolls, please?
What? Some warm rolls.
Oh. Well, you see...
[whispering] Donald!
Don't tell him
I'm not a waitress.
It'll spoil the whole act.
I'll take care of this
like a real waitress.
Sir, this isn't my station.
Well, here you go again, Frick.
Frack is coming out.
Will you remember
me in five years?
Of course I will.
Will you remember me
in ten years? Certainly.
Will you remember me
in 25 years? Definitely.
Knock knock. Who's there?
You've forgot me already.
Come on up here.
Come on up here, Miss.
That's right. That's right.
Oh, that's quite an
outfit you're wearing.
Are you supposed
to be a waitress?
Good guess. Are you
supposed to be a comic?
Oh, very funny.
May I have your name, Miss?
Take it. You're not doing
too well with your own.
[applause]
Hello?
Hello. Shirley? Yes.
Shirley, you sound terrible.
[sighs] Yeah, I have a cold.
Oh, that's terrible.
What are you doing for it?
Well, you know, I'm relaxing
and resting and drinking my fluids.
Uh-huh. Well, that's not enough.
Look, I'll come right over, and I'll bring
over some nasal spray and cough drops...
Some magazines?
Magazines, yes, of course.
Don't talk. Rest your voice.
Let me talk to Sam.
Sam who?
Your husband Sam.
I don't have a husband.
Isn't this Shirley from
Shirley and Sam?
This is Shirley, but I
don't have a husband.
I'm terribly sorry.
I must have the wrong number.
Does that mean
you're not coming over?
You have enough? That's plenty.
I'm sorry, honey.
Everything tastes like chicken.
What am I gonna do about Sandy?
Remind him that
you're an actress.
You have to decide whether you
want him for your agent or your partner.
Well, actually, he's
doing pretty good at both.
I've made more money in the
past two weeks in his comedy act
than I did all year
as an actress.
Then make up your mind.
Either you want it for
a career, or you don't.
Oh, you know I don't, Donald,
but Sandy really needs me.
Honey, look, I don't mean to
make you sound unimportant
because you've
been great in the act.
But the truth is there must
be a thousand girls in this town
that can do that act with him.
Well... sure. At
least a hundred.
Anyway 50 as good as me.
Maybe one better.
Well, then call her and
tell her to meet Sandy.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
He really does have
to find another partner.
It's just that he seems so secure
and so safe and comfortable with me.
That's it!
Why didn't I think about
it before? It's so simple.
First, we find Sandy another
partner, then you can adopt him.
Donald, I'm gonna
leave it to you.
Do you want me to
go to Sandy tomorrow
and just say I'm gonna
leave you all on your own?
I'll do it. Good.
Oh, fine. That easy.
That easy. He's a big boy.
Okay. I guess you're right.
How does this sound?
"Sandy, you're doing fine now.
"The time is right.
You're on your feet
Get yourself another partner."
That sounds perfect.
I'm glad you like it.
You say it tomorrow
to him, just that way.
Honey.
Okay, okay, I'll do
it, but as of Saturday.
What's Saturday? Nothing.
Friday night he
got us our first really
high-paying job in
the Catskill Mountains.
A hotel.
What do they serve?
Donald, it's a hotel.
You can have anything you want.
Fine. I can understand that.
But that's it? That's it.
Okay. what do you
want to do now?
Shall we watch
television or what?
Let's what.
Just be patient. I'll try
and find you something.
Right. Okay. So long.
I wish I could get
him something.
Anything. A car wash, a
gasoline station, something.
Well, who else called?
Danny Harris. Uh-huh.
Joanne Finley of Benson &
Harper. What did she want?
They're making a commercial
for Chew-Chew Gum.
They want a girl.
Bright, young, pretty.
An Ann Marie type.
An Ann Marie type? Who
said that, you or them?
Me, from their description.
Oh.
Then they said it.
They agreed with me.
Oh.
They're gonna be
shooting it Friday.
Hold it!
This Friday? Yeah.
This Friday, Ann and I
are dong an 8:00 show
at the Hayvenhurst
Manor in the Catskills.
Well, if she shoots that commercial
all day, you'll never make it.
There's no way she can do both?
Not unless they
finish shooting by 5:00,
and nobody ever does that.
Yeah.
Shall we forget about her?
I can make up a
list of other girls.
I guess you better.
Yes?
Uh, Doris, hold up on that list.
Call Ann and ask
her to come over here.
Right.
Hi! Hi, partner!
What's up? New
jokes for Friday night?
A couple.
I want to talk to you
about this Friday night
and this whole comedy act
that I got you involved with.
You're firing me.
Ann, tell me honestly.
Have you been doing this
for me or do you really enjoy it?
Well, you know, I... Honestly.
Sandy, it's been
lots of fun, honest.
I mean, doing those jokes and
getting in the outfit and everything...
And it's paid well...
But it's not like getting a part
or making a commercial, is it?
No, it isn't.
But those kind of jobs
just haven't come up lately.
Why?
Because I have an offer for you
on a commercial this Friday.
[gasps] Oh... Oh! Friday!
Oh, my gosh.
Will I be done in time for
us to get up to the Catskills?
Probably not.
Maybe you can call the hotel
and see if they can
switch us to another night.
That's a possibility.
Why don't you call
them now and see?
I'll call them later.
Oh. Well, you'll call me
and let me know then.
Sure, sure. Oh, good.
Okay, then. Right.
Uh... listen, Sandy,
if they can't switch it,
forget the commercial.
Don't worry. I'll
take care of it.
Okay. Okay, right.
Call me. I will. Don't worry.
Everything's taken care of.
Bye. Okay, bye.
♪♪ [jazz]
[phone rings]
Hello. Oh, hi, Sandy.
[gasps] You're kidding!
You mean they switched it
to another week just like that?
Oh, that's fantastic!
That means I can do the
commercial Friday, right?
Oh, Sandy, thanks!
Oh, that's great!
Okay. Bye.
[turns radio off]
[phone rings]
Hello? Oh, hi, Donald.
Oh, nothing. Just catching
up on some ironing.
Wait till I tell Sandy what
that director said about me,
that I was great,
that he never did a
commercial so quickly,
and I was the fastest
actress he ever worked with.
Quickest. Quickest.
I'm gonna have some proud agent.
Hello. Sandy Stone, please.
Doris? Hi. It's Ann
Marie. Is Sandy there?
Where is he?
But I thought he
moved that date.
Oh.
Thanks. Bye.
Donald, he left
for the Catskills.
He couldn't move the date.
He went up there all by himself.
Why didn't he tell you?
Because he didn't want
me to lose the commercial.
You see, Donald? He's been
worth everything I've done for him.
All you've done? What
about me, Colonel Chicken?
What time is it?
It's five minutes to 4.
It's about a two-hour drive.
It'll take you an
hour to get ready.
Yes, we can make
it by 8:00 just barely.
And certainly, I'll drive
you. Why do you ask?
Oh, Donald, thank you.
We better not fool around.
We haven't got time.
A mouth.
Did anybody see a girl's
mouth? It was right here.
Enjoy, enjoy. Drink up.
We got a wonderful
show for you in a minute.
[laughs] I'll kill
him. That's it.
And then when
I'm done killing him,
I'll give him such a hit.
Enjoy! Drink, drink! It's good.
We got a great
show for you tonight.
I'll give him such a hit.
Such a knock. I'll clobber him.
Oh! Where can we find
Sandy Stone, please?
Sandy Stone? Poouy! Sandy Stone!
What happened? What happened?
She wants to know what
happened? I'll tell you what happened.
I got a dining room
full of guests out there
and no entertainment,
that's what happened.
Not only will he never
work in the mountains,
he'll never sell me another act,
and I'll tell my friends
in the hotel business
not to buy an act from him!
And from the mountains,
he'll be black-booked!
Only in the valleys
will you see him!
Well, I know he was
on his way up here.
Sure he was coming up here.
With three tires, one
pancake, and an empty trunk.
He got a flat tire and
didn't have a spare.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Interpreter.
What are you to him?
If you're blood to him, I'll kill you
instead of him and fulfill the curse.
I can't not have
entertainment on a Friday night.
Mr. Katz, you've
got entertainment.
I'm his partner.
Partner? What partner?
He never told me
about a partner.
Yeah, well, I'm his
partner. I'm Ann Marie.
And what's this? Well, I'm...
He's his stand-in.
Go on, Mr. Katz, just
introduce us. We're ready.
What are you talking about?
Go on, sir. Just
say "Sandy Stone."
They don't know. They've
never seen him yet.
Sandy could be a girl.
Sandy? Girl?
You better be good
that's all I'm telling you!
Or death stalks the mountains!
Ann! For crying out loud!
Donald, we've
gotta help Sandy out.
You've see the
act a million times.
Go on. Go get a
seat in the audience.
You do my part
and I'll do Sandy's.
Oh, Donald, please,
we gotta help him.
♪♪ [fanfare]
Ladies and gentlemen,
it give me great pleasure
to present to you tonight
the star of our show tonight,
Miss Sandy Stone.
[applause]
Thank you very much, Mr. Katz.
It certainly is a pleasure
being her again for the first time.
I think it's one time too many!
[laughs]
Hey!
Uh... I... I, uh, really
am delighted to be here.
As a matter of fact,
I almost didn't get
here at all tonight.
Sure. Our luck you made it.
[laughs] Hey! Come on!
The reason that I
almost didn't get here was
well, the roads were awful.
And then I hit
a pile of traffic.
It should have been
the other way around.
[laughs]
Hey, dummy, you wanna
keep your mouth shut?
Sir? Sir? Thank you so much,
but, uh, I can
handle the hecklers.
Young man, if you've
got something to say,
would you come up here on stage?
Near you? Have
you had your shots?
[laughs]
Hey, hey! [punches landing]
[all shouting]
Listen, Katz may
not be an actor,
but from show
business, he knows, huh?
I mean, a pretty little girl
sitting out in the audience
yelling at a big mouth
on stage is funny.
But a big mouth sitting
out in the audience
taking potshots at a pretty
little girl on stage is not.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
But the act did go
over once you went out
and explained
what we were doing.
Well, go over it
didn't. Get by it did.
You're gonna give Sandy
another chance, aren't you?
Why not?
On a Wednesday night.
Friday or Saturday,
he'll wait a little bit.
You'll come back with him?
Oh, no, thanks.
I'm really an actress,
not a comedian.
And you, stand-in?
What about you?
Well, I'm giving up
the stage, too, Mr. Katz.
Actually, I'm giving
up the audience.
Smart move.
Listen, next time
you come back here,
you'll be a guest of Katz, huh?
Thanks. Toodle-oo.
[both] Bye-bye.
Well, are you through
with all of this now?
Definitely.
Sandy was on his way
up here to do it alone.
He's got his confidence back
He doesn't need me anymore.
Perfect. Come on,
let's drive home.
Are you sure you can see
well enough with your eye?
Well enough, and we get home,
you can kiss it
and make it better.
Well, I certainly
hope so for my sake.
And I just wanna say that I've
seen a lot of shiners in my time,
but that one is definitely,
without a doubt...
And let me say this... Nope!
I don't believe it. I
really do not believe it.
Well, Donald, we have to pay it,
or I'm gonna get
thrown out of my union.
Whoever heard of
paying for a black eye?
Let me see that thing again.
"Dear Miss Marie.
"We understand you
performed with a partner..."
[mumbling]
"and since he's not a
member of the union, either,
you or he... brought
up on charges."
Are you gonna pay it?
No, I'm not gonna pay it.
Why should I join a
union? I did one job.
If you work again, they
get you more money.
The one job I
did I didn't enjoy.
When you're out of work,
they have a loan fund.
Not only didn't I enjoy it,
I hated doing it
in the first place.
And they have a great
sickness and accident fund.
Where do I sign?
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
Sandy, Sandy, open mine next.
It's a very special
present for you.
Oh, thank you, Don, thank you.
Yes, it's very special.
I hope it's something
I can use, Don.
Oh! Peanuts!
[all laughing]
Oh! This one's from Ann.
[cheering]
Thank you. Thank you,
but it's really nothing.
All right. We'll see.
Now let's see now.
I can hardly wait.
She's right.
It's really nothing.
[all laughing]
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Here's something to put in it.
Oh, you got a real one.
Aw. Thank you, Ann.
I can't tell you
how grateful I am.
No one else I know ever
gave a party for her agent.
You're my agent!
[all laughing]
Wait a minute.
The fanfare, please.
[imitating fanfare]
Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here he is now,
the star of our show,
that great old
comedian turned agent
making his first comeback
and certainly not his last,
Mr. Sandy Stone.
[cheers and applause]
Come on, Sandy,
do your whole act.
Please, please,
I haven't done...
Come on, you know
you're dying to do it.
Honestly, that was
a whole other world,
and it's not that easy anyway.
I used to work with a
partner in the audience.
All right. If you
really don't want to.
I'll tell you when I
really don't want to.
I'll need a partner.
How about that girl?
This girl?
♪♪ [theme]
Okay, great.
Oh, gosh, I'm
gonna be just terrible.
You'll be great.
Now go out there.
Just start buttering
them up. Okay.
[no audible dialogue]
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Boo! Boo! Boo!
It now gives me great pleasure
to present the star of our show.
Having just completed a recent
engagement at Radio City Music Hall,
an usherette gave
him his ring back.
Boo! Boo! Boo!
All right. Without
any further ado,
my I present the
star of our show,
Sandy Stone!
Let's hear it for Sandy Stone!
Let's hear it for Sandy!
Hey, hey! Hey!
Thank you. Thank you
very much, Don. Thank you.
Now you can sit down
because I work alone.
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
I'd like to say I'm delighted
to be here, but I don't lie.
Actually, I'm sorry I'm late, but
I was held up in the subway...
like this.
And speaking of New York,
a funny thing
happened the other day.
A gentleman was sitting on a
little box in front of his jewelry store
when all of a sudden
a great big
trailer-truck came by.
From the back of the
trailer-truck, an elephant came out.
With his trunk, he smashed
the window of the jewelry store
and sucked up all the
jewelry in the whole store,
got back up on the
trailer-truck and drove away.
Well, this little man
was astounded.
He couldn't believe his eyes.
He went to the phone,
called the police and he said,
"Hello. I'd like to
report a robbery.
"I was robbed.
"How? I'll tell you how.
"A trailer-truck came
up in front of the store.
"An elephant came
out of the back.
"With his trunk, he smashed
the window of the jewelry store,
"sucked up all the jewelry,
got back up on the
trailer-truck, and he drove away."
The police said, "Wait
there. We'll be right over."
They came over, and
the place was in shambles.
They just couldn't
believe their eyes.
The policeman said, "Will you tell
us one more time what happened?"
He said, "Of course.
"A trailer-truck came
up in front of the store.
"A big elephant came
out, and with his trunk,
"he smashed the window
of the jewelry store.
"He sucked up all the
jewelry with his trunk,
got back up on the
trailer-truck, and he drove away."
The policeman said, "What
kind of an elephant was it?"
He said, "I don't know what
kind of an elephant it was.
It was a elephant
with tusks and a trunk."
Well, the policeman said, "Was it an
African elephant or an Indian elephant?"
The fella said,
"What's the difference?"
Well, the policeman said, "An
African elephant has very large ears.
An Indian elephant
has little small ears."
The fella says, "I don't know.
He had a stocking
pulled over his head."
Would you mind being
quiet while I'm telling a joke?
Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.
I didn't know those
were the jokes.
Miss, do you always
interrupt comedians?
Oh, no, sir, I would never
interrupt a comedian.
Just let me get this
ashtray and clean it out.
Look at this. All of a
sudden, I have a partner.
All right. Come on
up here. Come on.
Ladies and gentlemen,
come on, let's get her up here.
I don't wanna cast any aspersions
on your intelligence, madam,
but on your way over here, it's left
foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.
Good. Very good.
Now, would you mind
stepping a little closer, please?
Have you had your shots?
Funny. Funny!
You know, you're very
bright, witty, and intelligent,
and I like you.
Does that surprise
you? No, not at all.
Opposites attract.
Good. Very good.
But if you don't
mind, I'll tell the jokes.
Fine. Soon as you
start, I'll be quiet.
You're not eating.
I'm still full from last night.
What a party. You were terrific.
Oh, I was not. Sandy was
the one that was so great.
Wasn't he great?
He really was, but
you, you were superb.
Ann! Have I got
great news for you!
Hi! Hello, Sandy.
Listen to this. I got you a
great job this Saturday night.
You're kidding! Where?
Hello, Sandy. Massapequa.
Massapequa?
Talk about off-Broadway.
Hello, Sandy.
What's in Massapequa?
What's in Massapequa?
The annual
installation of offices
of the Massapequa
Golf and Country Club.
That's what's in
Massapequa. Chow time.
What am I gonna do there?
That sounds like a
job for a nightclub act...
Oh, no, sir!
Ann, come on! It's $200.
A hundred dollars for
you and no commission
since me your agent
is me your partner.
Sandy, you actually booked
us into a job as a comedy team?
We were great last night.
Did you hear those screams?
I haven't heard laughs like
that since I started that act.
Think it over. I've gotta
get back to the office.
Call me later. Okay.
Hello, Don.
Congratulations.
I don't want to be
in a comedy team.
So tell him. Oh, Donald!
"Oh, Donald" is good for me,
but what you gonna tell him?
I don't know. I just know he's got
his heart set on being a comic again.
Then why hasn't he tried?
Because he just doesn't
have the confidence before,
but now with me as his partner,
I guess I could really help him.
What do you think?
I think you should listen to me.
I think you should
taker my advice...
and I think I should pitch a
no-hitter in the World Series,
which is about as likely as you
listening to me and taking my advise.
So it's entirely up to you.
But I get to go to
Massapequa with you.
Saturday night.
You got us theater
tickets Saturday night.
It's okay, sweetheart.
That show will run for a year.
Your act? Saturday
night may be it.
Here, Donald, I got
you some coffee.
Oh, thank you, honey.
How is it?
If I hadn't eaten
lunch, it would be awful.
Since I was starved,
it's just terrible.
Well, it looks good.
Salmon croquettes
is the only thing
that keeps chicken from being
the food I hate most in my life.
♪♪ [fanfare] Oh, this is it.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to
the 15th annual gala
of the Massapequa
Golf and Country Club.
[applause]
And now on with the fun galore.
Here he is, ladies and
gentlemen, a wonderful comedian
who has been seen on all
the major television shows...
Sandy wrote himself
some introduction.
The very funny Sandy Stone.
[applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
The Massapequa
Golf and Country Club.
Great memories.
I used to belong to a
golf and country club.
I didn't golf, though,
I joined the country.
How many people here at this
golf and country club play country?
None, right?
That's what was
so great about it.
You see, I was the only one at
my country club who played country.
You see, to play
golf, you had to get up
4, 5, maybe 6:00 in the morning.
Country starts at
3:00 in the afternoon.
There was one hang-up, though.
You see, you can
play golf all by yourself.
To play country, you need
30 or 40 million people.
I don't think I had more than three
or four good games in my whole life.
Miss? Miss? Could
you hold it down
till I'm finished
getting my laughs?
Nobody lives forever, sir.
[laughing]
Cute. Cute.
Speaking of traffic, you
know, ladies and gentlemen.
I had a lot of trouble
getting here tonight.
Our luck. You made it.
[laughing]
Donald, I think
they really liked it.
You were a smash. Where's Sandy?
He's backstage
talking to some lady.
Oh, Donald, I'm
so happy for him.
So am I. You're pretty
terrific, you know that?
Oh, he was the whole act.
He wrote my lines
and everything.
You know, I think
he's not gonna be
too frightened to go
out on his again now.
Maybe so. Ask him.
Ann, you were great! Just great!
I was so proud of you!
Great. Well, I couldn't have done it
tonight without you... or Wednesday.
Well... Or Wednesday?
The lady I was just talking to?
She just hired us
to entertain at her
ladies auxiliary
banquet this Wednesday.
We're in, Ann! We're on our way!
It's a tie with
salmon croquettes.
Oh, Donald, I'm sorry.
Can't you get yourself a
job at a Chinese wedding?
I promise this is the last one.
An Italian bar mitzvah
would be good.
One night with the Anti-Chicken
League would be a bonanza.
You don't have to come with me
to every one of these, you know.
Last Wednesday, you
were at the ladies auxiliary.
Saturday, it was the League
for New York Women Voters.
Tonight, it's this thing.
If I didn't come with you,
I wouldn't see you at all.
[Man] Uh, Miss, some
warm rolls, please?
What? Some warm rolls.
Oh. Well, you see...
[whispering] Donald!
Don't tell him
I'm not a waitress.
It'll spoil the whole act.
I'll take care of this
like a real waitress.
Sir, this isn't my station.
Well, here you go again, Frick.
Frack is coming out.
Will you remember
me in five years?
Of course I will.
Will you remember me
in ten years? Certainly.
Will you remember me
in 25 years? Definitely.
Knock knock. Who's there?
You've forgot me already.
Come on up here.
Come on up here, Miss.
That's right. That's right.
Oh, that's quite an
outfit you're wearing.
Are you supposed
to be a waitress?
Good guess. Are you
supposed to be a comic?
Oh, very funny.
May I have your name, Miss?
Take it. You're not doing
too well with your own.
[applause]
Hello?
Hello. Shirley? Yes.
Shirley, you sound terrible.
[sighs] Yeah, I have a cold.
Oh, that's terrible.
What are you doing for it?
Well, you know, I'm relaxing
and resting and drinking my fluids.
Uh-huh. Well, that's not enough.
Look, I'll come right over, and I'll bring
over some nasal spray and cough drops...
Some magazines?
Magazines, yes, of course.
Don't talk. Rest your voice.
Let me talk to Sam.
Sam who?
Your husband Sam.
I don't have a husband.
Isn't this Shirley from
Shirley and Sam?
This is Shirley, but I
don't have a husband.
I'm terribly sorry.
I must have the wrong number.
Does that mean
you're not coming over?
You have enough? That's plenty.
I'm sorry, honey.
Everything tastes like chicken.
What am I gonna do about Sandy?
Remind him that
you're an actress.
You have to decide whether you
want him for your agent or your partner.
Well, actually, he's
doing pretty good at both.
I've made more money in the
past two weeks in his comedy act
than I did all year
as an actress.
Then make up your mind.
Either you want it for
a career, or you don't.
Oh, you know I don't, Donald,
but Sandy really needs me.
Honey, look, I don't mean to
make you sound unimportant
because you've
been great in the act.
But the truth is there must
be a thousand girls in this town
that can do that act with him.
Well... sure. At
least a hundred.
Anyway 50 as good as me.
Maybe one better.
Well, then call her and
tell her to meet Sandy.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
He really does have
to find another partner.
It's just that he seems so secure
and so safe and comfortable with me.
That's it!
Why didn't I think about
it before? It's so simple.
First, we find Sandy another
partner, then you can adopt him.
Donald, I'm gonna
leave it to you.
Do you want me to
go to Sandy tomorrow
and just say I'm gonna
leave you all on your own?
I'll do it. Good.
Oh, fine. That easy.
That easy. He's a big boy.
Okay. I guess you're right.
How does this sound?
"Sandy, you're doing fine now.
"The time is right.
You're on your feet
Get yourself another partner."
That sounds perfect.
I'm glad you like it.
You say it tomorrow
to him, just that way.
Honey.
Okay, okay, I'll do
it, but as of Saturday.
What's Saturday? Nothing.
Friday night he
got us our first really
high-paying job in
the Catskill Mountains.
A hotel.
What do they serve?
Donald, it's a hotel.
You can have anything you want.
Fine. I can understand that.
But that's it? That's it.
Okay. what do you
want to do now?
Shall we watch
television or what?
Let's what.
Just be patient. I'll try
and find you something.
Right. Okay. So long.
I wish I could get
him something.
Anything. A car wash, a
gasoline station, something.
Well, who else called?
Danny Harris. Uh-huh.
Joanne Finley of Benson &
Harper. What did she want?
They're making a commercial
for Chew-Chew Gum.
They want a girl.
Bright, young, pretty.
An Ann Marie type.
An Ann Marie type? Who
said that, you or them?
Me, from their description.
Oh.
Then they said it.
They agreed with me.
Oh.
They're gonna be
shooting it Friday.
Hold it!
This Friday? Yeah.
This Friday, Ann and I
are dong an 8:00 show
at the Hayvenhurst
Manor in the Catskills.
Well, if she shoots that commercial
all day, you'll never make it.
There's no way she can do both?
Not unless they
finish shooting by 5:00,
and nobody ever does that.
Yeah.
Shall we forget about her?
I can make up a
list of other girls.
I guess you better.
Yes?
Uh, Doris, hold up on that list.
Call Ann and ask
her to come over here.
Right.
Hi! Hi, partner!
What's up? New
jokes for Friday night?
A couple.
I want to talk to you
about this Friday night
and this whole comedy act
that I got you involved with.
You're firing me.
Ann, tell me honestly.
Have you been doing this
for me or do you really enjoy it?
Well, you know, I... Honestly.
Sandy, it's been
lots of fun, honest.
I mean, doing those jokes and
getting in the outfit and everything...
And it's paid well...
But it's not like getting a part
or making a commercial, is it?
No, it isn't.
But those kind of jobs
just haven't come up lately.
Why?
Because I have an offer for you
on a commercial this Friday.
[gasps] Oh... Oh! Friday!
Oh, my gosh.
Will I be done in time for
us to get up to the Catskills?
Probably not.
Maybe you can call the hotel
and see if they can
switch us to another night.
That's a possibility.
Why don't you call
them now and see?
I'll call them later.
Oh. Well, you'll call me
and let me know then.
Sure, sure. Oh, good.
Okay, then. Right.
Uh... listen, Sandy,
if they can't switch it,
forget the commercial.
Don't worry. I'll
take care of it.
Okay. Okay, right.
Call me. I will. Don't worry.
Everything's taken care of.
Bye. Okay, bye.
♪♪ [jazz]
[phone rings]
Hello. Oh, hi, Sandy.
[gasps] You're kidding!
You mean they switched it
to another week just like that?
Oh, that's fantastic!
That means I can do the
commercial Friday, right?
Oh, Sandy, thanks!
Oh, that's great!
Okay. Bye.
[turns radio off]
[phone rings]
Hello? Oh, hi, Donald.
Oh, nothing. Just catching
up on some ironing.
Wait till I tell Sandy what
that director said about me,
that I was great,
that he never did a
commercial so quickly,
and I was the fastest
actress he ever worked with.
Quickest. Quickest.
I'm gonna have some proud agent.
Hello. Sandy Stone, please.
Doris? Hi. It's Ann
Marie. Is Sandy there?
Where is he?
But I thought he
moved that date.
Oh.
Thanks. Bye.
Donald, he left
for the Catskills.
He couldn't move the date.
He went up there all by himself.
Why didn't he tell you?
Because he didn't want
me to lose the commercial.
You see, Donald? He's been
worth everything I've done for him.
All you've done? What
about me, Colonel Chicken?
What time is it?
It's five minutes to 4.
It's about a two-hour drive.
It'll take you an
hour to get ready.
Yes, we can make
it by 8:00 just barely.
And certainly, I'll drive
you. Why do you ask?
Oh, Donald, thank you.
We better not fool around.
We haven't got time.
A mouth.
Did anybody see a girl's
mouth? It was right here.
Enjoy, enjoy. Drink up.
We got a wonderful
show for you in a minute.
[laughs] I'll kill
him. That's it.
And then when
I'm done killing him,
I'll give him such a hit.
Enjoy! Drink, drink! It's good.
We got a great
show for you tonight.
I'll give him such a hit.
Such a knock. I'll clobber him.
Oh! Where can we find
Sandy Stone, please?
Sandy Stone? Poouy! Sandy Stone!
What happened? What happened?
She wants to know what
happened? I'll tell you what happened.
I got a dining room
full of guests out there
and no entertainment,
that's what happened.
Not only will he never
work in the mountains,
he'll never sell me another act,
and I'll tell my friends
in the hotel business
not to buy an act from him!
And from the mountains,
he'll be black-booked!
Only in the valleys
will you see him!
Well, I know he was
on his way up here.
Sure he was coming up here.
With three tires, one
pancake, and an empty trunk.
He got a flat tire and
didn't have a spare.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Interpreter.
What are you to him?
If you're blood to him, I'll kill you
instead of him and fulfill the curse.
I can't not have
entertainment on a Friday night.
Mr. Katz, you've
got entertainment.
I'm his partner.
Partner? What partner?
He never told me
about a partner.
Yeah, well, I'm his
partner. I'm Ann Marie.
And what's this? Well, I'm...
He's his stand-in.
Go on, Mr. Katz, just
introduce us. We're ready.
What are you talking about?
Go on, sir. Just
say "Sandy Stone."
They don't know. They've
never seen him yet.
Sandy could be a girl.
Sandy? Girl?
You better be good
that's all I'm telling you!
Or death stalks the mountains!
Ann! For crying out loud!
Donald, we've
gotta help Sandy out.
You've see the
act a million times.
Go on. Go get a
seat in the audience.
You do my part
and I'll do Sandy's.
Oh, Donald, please,
we gotta help him.
♪♪ [fanfare]
Ladies and gentlemen,
it give me great pleasure
to present to you tonight
the star of our show tonight,
Miss Sandy Stone.
[applause]
Thank you very much, Mr. Katz.
It certainly is a pleasure
being her again for the first time.
I think it's one time too many!
[laughs]
Hey!
Uh... I... I, uh, really
am delighted to be here.
As a matter of fact,
I almost didn't get
here at all tonight.
Sure. Our luck you made it.
[laughs] Hey! Come on!
The reason that I
almost didn't get here was
well, the roads were awful.
And then I hit
a pile of traffic.
It should have been
the other way around.
[laughs]
Hey, dummy, you wanna
keep your mouth shut?
Sir? Sir? Thank you so much,
but, uh, I can
handle the hecklers.
Young man, if you've
got something to say,
would you come up here on stage?
Near you? Have
you had your shots?
[laughs]
Hey, hey! [punches landing]
[all shouting]
Listen, Katz may
not be an actor,
but from show
business, he knows, huh?
I mean, a pretty little girl
sitting out in the audience
yelling at a big mouth
on stage is funny.
But a big mouth sitting
out in the audience
taking potshots at a pretty
little girl on stage is not.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
But the act did go
over once you went out
and explained
what we were doing.
Well, go over it
didn't. Get by it did.
You're gonna give Sandy
another chance, aren't you?
Why not?
On a Wednesday night.
Friday or Saturday,
he'll wait a little bit.
You'll come back with him?
Oh, no, thanks.
I'm really an actress,
not a comedian.
And you, stand-in?
What about you?
Well, I'm giving up
the stage, too, Mr. Katz.
Actually, I'm giving
up the audience.
Smart move.
Listen, next time
you come back here,
you'll be a guest of Katz, huh?
Thanks. Toodle-oo.
[both] Bye-bye.
Well, are you through
with all of this now?
Definitely.
Sandy was on his way
up here to do it alone.
He's got his confidence back
He doesn't need me anymore.
Perfect. Come on,
let's drive home.
Are you sure you can see
well enough with your eye?
Well enough, and we get home,
you can kiss it
and make it better.
Well, I certainly
hope so for my sake.
And I just wanna say that I've
seen a lot of shiners in my time,
but that one is definitely,
without a doubt...
And let me say this... Nope!
I don't believe it. I
really do not believe it.
Well, Donald, we have to pay it,
or I'm gonna get
thrown out of my union.
Whoever heard of
paying for a black eye?
Let me see that thing again.
"Dear Miss Marie.
"We understand you
performed with a partner..."
[mumbling]
"and since he's not a
member of the union, either,
you or he... brought
up on charges."
Are you gonna pay it?
No, I'm not gonna pay it.
Why should I join a
union? I did one job.
If you work again, they
get you more money.
The one job I
did I didn't enjoy.
When you're out of work,
they have a loan fund.
Not only didn't I enjoy it,
I hated doing it
in the first place.
And they have a great
sickness and accident fund.
Where do I sign?
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA