That Girl (1966–1971): Season 4, Episode 14 - I Am Curious Lemon - full transcript

Good afternoon, my dear ladies.

What's it going
to be today, huh?

Hi, Nino. Hello.

I'll have a tuna fish sandwich.

That's all you want?

Same lunch every day,
just a tuna sandwich.

Oh.

Well, I'm going to
have the minestrone

in a bowl, Nino! In a bowl!

And let's see, and
then I want a salad

with the extra garbanzo beans,



and the eggplant parmesan.

Uh, that's all you want?

Well, I have my
big meal at night.

You know, Ann, If
I didn't know better,

I'd say you were
going to have a child.

Well, that only shows
how smart you are, Nino,

because I am
going to have a child.

As a matter of fact,

I-I think I'll have some
extra anchovies on my salad.

You're gonna...

You're not going to have a...

She's not going to have a child?

Yes, she is!

I'm her cousin. I know.



She's definitely
going to have a child.

Oh, no, not that girl!

♪♪ [theme]

That's one on me, I gotta admit.

Oh, Ann, I knew
you didn't mean it

when you said you were
going to have a child.

You did not know it.

You believed it.

You want to bet?

A dollar!

I'll owe it to you.

[laughs] Yeah.

Oh, it really is great of
you to do this for us, Ann.

Harry and I haven't
gotten away alone all year.

I'm looking forward to it.

It'll be terrific playing
mother for a weekend.

Caroline is really a
wonderful kid, Ann,

and I'm not just saying
that because I'm her mother.

Her father says the same thing.

Well, you just gather her things

and bring them over and go away.

How am I ever going
to pay you back?

Very easy.

Someday I'll be married,
and my husband and I

are going to want to
go away on a vacation.

Then I'll take care of your kid.

No, you can give us the
money for the vacation,

then you can buy
me a dishwasher,

and I've always wanted
a pony. [snickers]

Go ahead.

Just a minute. Just a minute.

Jump me, you have no choice.

Donald, I don't
have to jump you.

Yes, you do.

If I jump you, then you
get to jump me twice.

That's correct.

And you'll win. That's correct.

Then it would really be
stupid of me to jump you.

Stupid or not, that's the rule.

You really get such a big
kick out of beating a girl?

I think it would bother you.

Oh, go on if it
makes you so happy.

Go on, just take all
my men, go on, go on.

You have to jump me first.

Donald, the truth is,

and I really mean this,

I'm not just saying
it because I'm losing.

You've lost.

I have not, not yet.

The truth is, Donald,
I really don't think

we should have opened this.

It was so nice of you

to bring it for Caroline
and everything,

and now we've opened it.

We really should have left it
for her to open in the morning.

You're right, so you
go ahead and move,

I'll win, and then I'll pack it
up all nice and neat for her.

You know what you're
doing, don't you, Donald?

You're taking away
a really great thrill

letting Caroline be
the first one to win

on her own checker board.

You're right.

Shame on me.

Oh, Donald, I'm just kidding.

I was just kidding.

Now come on.

Come on, we'll play it.

You were there and my
men were here like this.

All right, no, honey,
you're the winner.

I cheated before.

[snickers]

What time is she
coming tomorrow?

They're going to drop her
off first thing in the morning.

It's really going to be fun.

Do you know anything about
taking care of an 8-year-old?

Of course I do.

I used to be an 8-year-old
myself, you know.

I took pretty good care of me.

Yeah, but for how long?

Yeah, you're right. I was
only an 8-year-old for a year.

I guess I wasn't too good at it.

Oh, honey, by the way,

an old college classmate
of mine called me today.

He's coming into town Saturday,

I said we'd have
dinner together.

Well, I'll fix him
a nice dinner.

What's his name?

His name is Chippy Dolan,

and you don't have
to make him dinner.

We'll take him to Nino's
and then to a show.

Oh, Donald, we can't do that.

We're going to have Caroline.

Well, get a sitter.

I'm the sitter.

A sitter doesn't get a sitter.

You just have Chippy... Chippy?

[laughs]

It was great as a college name.

It sounds a little
silly now, doesn't it?

What was his real name?

I don't know.

Everybody always
used to call him Chippy.

Well, you just have... Chippy,

come over here and I'll make
him a very special dinner.

Now, honey, now look,

you don't have to make
him anything special.

Just a simple steak.

Guys like a simple
broiled steak.

Oh, Donald, he's
an old friend of yours.

I want to make him an
interesting kind of dinner,

like lamb curry, you know,
or something like that.

Honey, look, I'm telling
you, he's not going to like it.

Guys don't like all that fancy
stuff with all the seasonings

and the herbs and
the fancy sauces.

Guys just like a simple
steak or lamb chops.

Donald Hollinger, you're
a rotten human being!

What did I do now?

I made you lamb curry last week,

and you said you loved it.

Oh.

Yeah, right, honey, I did.

It was exceptional.
It really was.

I've never had it that way.

You really hated it.

I couldn't stand it.

I didn't like it, either.

[knock on door]

Caroline, hi!
Where's your mother?

Here I am.

Oh, for heaven's sakes, Trudy.

Can't you wear a corsage
like everybody else?

Come on in. Thank you.

See I told you she was polite.

Yes, she is.

Oh that's very
sweet of you, Trudy,

but you didn't have to.

I didn't, it's Caroline's.
I had to bring it.

It needs regular watering,
but she'll look after it.

Oh, I see.

Well, we do have lots of water.

Can you stay a minute?

No, Harry's double-parked,
and we're due at the airport.

Well, you go ahead.
Caroline and I are fine.

Now I want Mommy's
little girl to be good.

Don't be a nuisance
to [Announcer].

Do whatever she tells you.

Eat your vegetables,

don't stay up too late,

study your spelling,

don't watch too much television,
and have a wonderful time.

How?

She's her father's
daughter, all right.

Oh, Ann, you're an
absolute angel to do this.

I can't thank you enough.

Oh, go ahead,
have a fabulous time.

Thanks, dear.

Caroline, don't forget
to brush your teeth

and water your tree,

or Harry will shoot me.

Bye! [Ann] Bye.

[door closing]

She isn't always so excited.

I think she's afraid they'll
be jackknifed to Cuba.

I'm sure they won't be.

Come on, let's
take off your coat.

Thank you. Okay.

Uh, where can we
keep my lemon tree?

Is that what that is?

I thought those were
limes, they're so green.

No, lemons.
They're not ripe yet.

Oh.

What's the temperature in here?

I don't know, are you cold?

Not me, the tree.

It can get sick if it's
not kept warm enough.

Oh.

Well, I'll tell you what,

I'll turn up the heat.

There. That should do it.

It may not be enough.

Putting it near
the sunlight helps.

The sunlight?

Well, it's a little
heavy to move around.

My mother does it all the time.

Your mother must be
a lot stronger than I am.

I think I wrenched my back.

Probably.

She does that a lot, too.

Okay, Caroline,

now, what do you think of this?

It's pretty.

Where are you going?

This is for tomorrow night.

We're having a guest for dinner.

Really? Yeah.

After you're finished,

can we water my tree?

Oh, sure, honey.

I'll get a pitcher.

Well, no, we water
it in the shower.

In my shower?

Mm-hmm, honest, I
got a book about it.

The shower is the best

because it waters
the whole tree evenly,

and when you turn the water off,

you let the tree sit for
a while in the moisture.

You know more about lemon
trees than I know about...

I don't know that
much about anything.

Caroline, how much longer does
the tree have to stay in the shower?

Oh, just a little while.

I'm going to be late.

Donald will be here any minute.

I'm going to go next door
and use Ruthie's shower.

If Donald comes, tell
him I won't be long.

Well, why don't you take
a shower with the tree?

I hardly know that tree.

Now, don't open
the door for anybody,

except Donald.

I'll just be a minute.

[knock on door]

Yes! Who is it?

It's Don Hollinger,
honey, Ann's...

Uh... friend.

How do I know it's you?

Well, go get Ann and tell
her to come to the door.

I can't, she's in the shower.

Oh, well, okay.

Tell her I'll be
back in five minutes.

Well, no, she
said to let you in.

Well, let me in.

Well, say something
so I know you're Donald.

[Donald] Uh, okay.

How about if I know your name?

A stranger wouldn't
know your name.

That's fair.

Okay, it's...

Marilyn... uh,
no... Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, honey.

Uh, Carla! Karen!

No, no wait... [stammering]

Caroline, Caroline!

Enter.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi, Donald.

She'll be done in a second.

Okay, now, you
don't worry about me,

you just sit there and
watch your television.

Hi, honey!

Listen, about tomorrow night,

I spoke with Chippy today.

He's bringing his wife with him.

Honey, can you hear me?

Yes.

How did you... Who is in the...

Excuse me, please.

Certainly. Who's in the shower?

A lemon tree.

Did she say... Uh-huh,
it's my lemon tree.

It must have been
really filthy, right?

No, Donald, it's for water.

It has to have even water.

Donald, what do you
think about lamb chops?

As a food, great,

as a tennis
racquet, a little small.

No, I mean for
Chippy and his wife...

Dippy, whatever it is.

I thought we went all through
this, whatever you make is fine.

Donald, whatever I make for him is a
lot different than what I make for them.

It's time to take my lemon
tree out of the shower.

Yeah, well make sure it's
clean behind the leaves.

He's funny, Ann, I like him.

Kids and dogs love me.

You know, I think maybe I'll
make them an Italian dinner.

Uh-uh, honey, Heather
hates Italian food.

Who's Heather?

Dippy is Heather, Chippy's wife.

Are you sure?

Sure I'm sure.

I took her out for two
years. I should know.

Honey, that was four years ago.

It was nothing.

You took her out for two
years and it was nothing?

Honey!

You have the nerve to
ask me to make dinner

for a girl you went
with for two years?

Honey, it's for Chippy.

He happened to marry her.

Chippy Schmippy!

All right, forget
it, I'll cancel.

No, no you won't.

I'd like to see her.

I'll bet she's gorgeous.

Ann, she's cute,
but... Oh, swell.

Look, Aunt Ann,
I picked a lemon.

So did I, sweetheart, so did I.

Can I plug in the
heater Auntie Ann,

make my tree warm.

Yeah, sure, honey.

What are we gonna
have for dinner?

Oh, nothing special.

I'm just going to throw
a few things together.

I bet you're really going to show
old Heather how good you are.

Caroline...

I really am not going to try
and show Heather anything.

I feel absolutely no
need to try to impress her.

I also feel that it's
wrong to lie to children,

so I want to make
it perfectly clear,

but I'm going to try
and knock her dead.

[giggles] So, what are we
going to have for dinner?

Well, lots of things.

First I thought we'd start
off with some shrimp cocktail,

and then some asparagus soup.

Now that's... Then
some broiled lamb chops,

and some broccoli
with hollandaise sauce

and some lemon pudding for
dessert with whipped cream.

And if you like,

we can use the fresh
lemons off your tree.

Oh, yes!

That will be fun.

Bet old Dippy Heather
can't cook as good as you.

It's going to be just
great, Auntie Ann.

I sure hope so, honey.

Oh, no, the light
is out in this thing.

[knock on door]

Who is it?

It's Don, Caroline.

I don't know any Don Caroline.

You've been hanging
around Ann too much.

Where is she?

She's getting dressed.

Is she still mad at me?

I can't tell. It's
between us girls.

Yeah, want a Hershey bar?

A couple of cookies?

You want to slide
down my rain barrel?

She really thinks
I'm terrific, right?

I can't tell.

Well, don't,
because I don't care.

You know why? I don't need her.

I've never even liked her.

I've just hung around
her to get to meet you.

Yes, it's you, I love you.

[repeating] You, you, you...

Careful, Caroline,
don't fall for him.

He'll have you cooking
for his old girlfriend...

who would be me, by the way.

Can I ask you a question?

Yes, you may.

If she still meant
anything to me,

would Chippy call and arrange
for us all to get together?

If Chippy was so smart,
he wouldn't be Chippy.

He'd be Bart or Steve.

Yeah, right.

Here.

Wine. I got a rosé,
it goes with anything

We should chill it.

Thank you, Donald.

I'll put it in the
refrigerator right away.

They won't be here
for another hour.

[knock on door]

It can't be them.

I told them 8:00,
it's only 7:00.

Oh, Donald, they wouldn't
come an hour early.

They wouldn't dare. I don't
have the dinner ready yet.

The hors d'oeuvres
aren't even out.

Okay, okay, don't
worry, don't worry.

We'll fix them a drink.

They'll have to wait.

Now don't worry, I'll get it.

Don! Hey, Chip!

Baby!

Alpha chi, alpha chi,
Omega Lambda Beta Pi,

Beta pi, Beta pi,
Nu Rho Sigma Psi.

Go, babe!

Chipper, how are you?

It's great to see you.

Heather, how are you?

Wonderful, Don.

Well, kiss her, man.

You used to go out with her.

She's only gotten prettier.

Smack it to her, Don, baby.

Blast him one, Heath.

Oh, love it.

Love it.

My best friend and my best girl

in the same room,
and holding each other,

liking each other.

What more could any man ask for?

Surrounded by
the people he loves

and they love each other.

Hi.

Oh!

You're Ann!

I know.

You're right, Don.

She's funny.

Hi, Ann, and meet
my wife Heather.

I can't tell you how great it is
of you to cook us up a supper.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

Hi, Heather, welcome.

Hi, Ann.

So you're the new me.

Yeah, I guess I am.

I never thought of it like that.

The new me... Of all the nerve

and coming an hour early.

That's absolutely ridiculous.

No girl with any taste
would do a thing like that.

I don't know what Donald
ever saw in her in the first place.

She's just a...

Lovely hors
d'oeuvres for you all.

I hope you like them.

I wanted to make
something very special

for a special friend of mine

and his special friend.

So I hope that this
kind of fills you up

until dinner's ready.

I'll be checking
on it in the kitchen,

so you just finish up that.

Boring, really a dull,
boring girl, Caroline.

She just sits there and stares.

Doesn't say a word.

Walked and walked
all over Times Square

until our feet nearly fell off.

Rushing... What a town, Don.

Everybody rushing,

and where are they going, Don?

Let me ask you that.

Well, some of them are going...

And then I said I'm
sure Donnie won't mind

if we arrive a little early
so we can sit and talk.

Where's Ann?

Well, she'll be right back,

she's inside
getting things ready.

Don, the refrigerator
light is broken.

Well, and who's this?

Well, this is Caroline.

Caroline, this is
Mr. and Mrs. Dolan.

How do you do?

Hello, dear.

My, aren't you a
pretty little thing.

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

I didn't know Ann had a child.

Er, um... Where is your father?

My daddy spent the
weekend in the Bahamas.

Honey, the ice cubes are melted.

I was going to make drinks.

Oh, you're kidding!

Don't tell me the
refrigerator is broken.

That's all I need.

It's unplugged.

How did it get unplugged?

Oh, Caroline must
have unplugged it

when she unplugged the heater,

and that vaporizer, sure.

What did you do to your hair?

Why? Don't you like it?

Uh, no, no, it
looks... different.

Honey, listen, you
better come out

there and talk to them.

Well, okay.

Well, Donnie, babe,

you look like you
really got it made.

Great girl.

Well, thank you,
Chipper, I think so.

I'll go help in the kitchen.

I really should...

No, no, you and Don must
have a lot of reminiscing to do.

You talk it out.

I'll go help the little lady.

I really don't think she
needs your help, Chipper.

All she has to do is
tell me and out I'll come.

Or I could move
this out of the way.

Aah!

What's he doing?

Oh, Chip, oh, go get Donald.

What did you do to her?

It's my back!

What did you do to
her back? Nothing.

Donald, I threw it
out from the tree.

Snap it out like you did when
I threw it out from the sofa.

Oh, Chippy, Chippy, I'm sorry.

It's all right, pal,
I understand.

It was unfair of me to
come busting in here...

If I don't understand,
who understands?

Chippy, you're a...

Donald, Donald,
will you snap it out?

Excuse me, Chippy, sorry.

Certainly, certainly.

Okay, okay, now hold still.

No, wait, on the other side now.

Where is it? Right there.

Okay, just hold still.

I gotta hold you real
firm now, hold tight.

Okay, all right.

Careful, careful...

It's hard for me to say, Donald,

but you have found
yourself a beautiful substitute.

Well, thank you,
thank you very much.

Isn't that a nice
compliment, Ann?

Oh, yes. Thanks so much.

Well, how do you like
living in Milwaukee?

Oh, it's lovely.

We don't live in Milwaukee.

We have a huge
home just outside.

Oh, it's so clean. No smog.

It's Evergreen Meadows.

East. East?

Cute.

Got any old gang from
college around Milwaukee?

[Chippy] Oh, Donnie, we
got a great little group there.

Lucky, lucky me, the
Perle Mesta of 54th Street,

hostess to the Prince Rainier

and Grace Kelly of Milwaukee.

[gasps]

What happened?

I have a feeling the
world just came to an end.

Caroline, go tell Donald
I need him right away.

I can't see anything.

Oh, well, honey, be careful,

I think I've got some
matches here some place.

Be careful, honey.

I think I'm at the door.

Okay.

I'd scream, but I have a feeling

nobody in the whole
world would hear me.

What did you do now?

I didn't do anything.

All I did was merely
plug in my mixer,

and all the lights went out.

Only in here.

You must have overloaded
the circuit and blew a fuse.

Where's your fuse box?

I don't know if I have one.

Everybody has a fuse box.

Donald, don't shout at me.

I am not shouting at you.

Look, is your stove
gas or electric?

Gas.

All right, now, we'll
turn on the stove,

and maybe we'll get some light.

[burner lighting]

There! Now how's that?

Can you manage now?

Manage? What's to manage?

Your old girlfriend
drops in an hour early,

my lights are gone out,

everything's going wrong,

and the one time I really
wanted to look great, look at me!

What? I'm bent.

Here we are. Start the meal off.

Dessert... No wait.

She has quite a sense
of humor, hasn't she?

Oh, she'd be some
hit in Milwaukee.

Oh, excuse me,
I forgot the wine.

I'll be right back.

Oh, good.

I think your very clever to
cook such unusual dishes.

I don't know how I got
the Hollandaise sauce

and the whipped cream mixed up.

I didn't even notice.

Neither did I, in there.

I sort of have indirect
lighting in the kitchen.

Bless, Mervin.

[Donald] Mervin?

Mervin?

Mervin?

[laughing]

I'm sorry Donald. He just
didn't seem like a Mervin to me.

I mean, if I hadn't
known he was a Chippy,

I wouldn't have laughed,

but I'm sorry, it just
struck me funny.

You're right, honey,
I've known him for years

and I laughed, too.

I think I'm going to
go down in history

as the worst hostess
of all hostessing ever,

and you know something?

I don't really care.

You want to know something else?

Neither do I.

[Caroline crying]

What's that?

Hey, Caroline,
what's the matter?

Nothing.

Nothing... You don't
cry over nothing.

Nothing gets a laugh, maybe,

but crying, that's
usually for something.

Oh, Auntie Ann, I
ruined your whole party.

Me and my dumb lemon tree,

we just ruined the whole thing.

Oh, Caroline, you
did not ruin anything.

You know something?

I thought it was funny. I did.

I thought those
people were so funny.

If anybody ruined
anything, I did it.

Really? Really.

You're not mad at me?

Course I'm not mad at you.

Don't you know, I
wouldn't trade you

for a thousand
Heathers and Chippys?

I wouldn't even trade
your funny, little lemon tree

for all the Heathers and
Chippys in the whole world.

Now come on, why don't we
clean up and change our clothes

and maybe we can get Donald

to take us out for
some ice cream.

Can't we all just sit around

and watch your
hairdo fall apart?

Well, what happened?

Oh, she's fine.

Let's take her out
for some ice cream.

What's that?

They brought it for you.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

What?

That is hysterical.

You've never told me that.

Never told you what,
what are you laughing at.

"Thanks, Ann, I'm sure
you're the type of girl

that old Skunk
deserves. Chippy."

Skunk?

We all had nicknames, honey.

Skunk?

[Western on TV]

You know, Donald, there really
is something I do envy Heather.

Chippy.

No, I don't need
Chippy, I have Skunk.

Yeah, right.

I envy the fact that
she knew you in college

and went out with
you and everything.

I'll bet you were really fun.

The best, I was really the best.

Donald? Hmm?

Why don't you make believe
that you're in college now.

You know, and that I'm
your college girlfriend.

Ann... Oh, come on!

It'll be fun.

Just for fun.

Okay. All right.

First of all, I didn't have
a television set in college,

so we'll have to turn that off.

Then I didn't have
any money at all,

so I never wanted to
waste any electricity.

[laughs] Yeah?

And then I was on
the football team,

so I had to do everything I
could do to stay in shape.

[laughs] Like what?

Like get to bed early.

See you in the morning.

Donald!

See?

Heather didn't have it so good.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA