That Girl (1966–1971): Season 4, Episode 13 - She Never Had the Vegas Notion: Part Two - full transcript
Concerning an inebriated Donald's Vegas wedding to Ann's co-star Joanne Ferrer, Ann's heartbreak over losing the love of her life, however unintentional on Donald's part, turns to anger when Ann and Donald learn directly from Joanne that she and Donald aren't married. Rather, the marriage was a practical joke initiated by the show's star, Marty Haines, to show Ann that Donald isn't as perfect a man as Ann has been gushing to him. Ann and Donald, with Joanne now on their side, have to figure out how to give Marty a taste of his own medicine. Meanwhile, Ann and Donald have another unexpected problem when Ann's father learns indirectly that Donald just got married, Lew believing that Mrs. Donald Hollinger is Ann.
♪♪ [theme]
[Ann] It started out to
be a wonderful weekend.
I mean, Donald and I
landing in Las Vegas
and... and then
arriving at the hotel
where I was starring
in a new play.
Well, not exactly starring.
But it was exciting,
especially having Donald
there to cheer on opening night.
I went to a cast meeting and met
Donald afterwards in the casino.
Yeah. I want you to keep this.
Me? Oh, no. I... I...
No, no, no, honey. I
know it was just luck,
and I don't want to push it.
If I keep it, I'm gonna lose it.
Okay? Now, you give it
back to me at the airport.
The star of the
show, Marty Haines,
who wasn't too
crazy about Donald,
offered to show us the sights.
Listen, why don't you two
go ahead. We'll catch up.
What about Donald the Good?
He's probably eating.
Oh, does he usually eat
before he goes out to dinner?
Yes. And he usually washes
before he takes a bath,
and he takes a nap
before he goes to sleep.
Huh! Odd Donald
does all of that, eh?
Oh! Oh! Donald!
I'm sorry. Are you all right?
Yes, I'm fine. I'm sorry.
Ooh, that's an arm.
Did you eat?
"Eat"? What's "eat"?
Is that "eat"? [laughs]
He's awfully cute.
May I say the same?
I'm awfully cute.
[laughs]
He's darling. I just love him.
Yeah, so do I.
[chuckling] Well,
we're all having
such a wonderful time, but
meanwhile, the cab is waiting,
and the meter isn't.
Yeah, well, we'll be
there in ten cents.
Perfect. Let's go.
Honey. Honey, listen.
Um, give me back
the $200 I gave you.
Donald, you made me promise.
Hunh Huhh! I remove the promise.
But I said no, and we went
to one of the lounge shows
on the Strip.
I wanna write a withdrawal slip
for $200 to the Little
Bank of Marie. [laughs]
Donald!
Oh, for heaven's
sakes, take the $200.
Forget what I promised.
Oh... no... honey.
I'm sorry.
You're not sorry.
Marty was right.
Marty was right about what?
One day in Las Vegas,
and already you're drinking
and gambling and... her-ing.
I'm going back to
the hotel. Excuse me.
What? Ann, wait a minute.
I went back alone,
and the next morning,
I felt just awful about
the argument with Donald.
You know what I think? Uh,
there's just a lot of
time before rehearsal.
Maybe I'll just run upstairs
and kind of straighten
everything out.
Okay? See you later.
Honey, I'm...
[chuckles] I'm so sorry.
Oh, Donald, so am I.
Oh, darling. I was
so bad last night.
I... I tell you, an
empty stomach
and a full glass is a
terrible combination.
[giggles] I know.
How's your head?
[chuckles] I think
I left it in the taxi.
[chuckles]
[water running]
Do you hear water running?
[water running]
I mu... I must've
left it on all night.
Oh, you're up! Good
morning, sweetheart.
What are you doing here?
A-Ann, I... I don't...
Well, what is she doing here?
Oh, I'm sure I
didn't invite her!
What... Ann, wait a
minute! Wait a minute!
I have no i... I have
no idea in the world
what she... What
are you doing here?!
You don't remember!
I don't remember what?
We were married last night
[whining] at the Little
Chapel Around the Corner!
[sobs]
[knock knock] Room service!
One minute. I didn't
order room service.
Oh, your wife did.
Oh, Donald!
You did order it, didn't
you, Mrs. Hollinger?
I am not Mrs. Hollinger.
Ann, wait.
Donald, please.
I'm trying very hard
to be sophisticated
about this. But it's not easy
with you running
around in your pajamas.
Oh, honey, I'm
not running around.
Your wife is waiting
for you in there.
She's not my wife,
honey. She's... well...
Just a friend?
No! Yes! I...
Honey, I don't know.
All I know is I didn't
marry her last night.
Well, if you didn't marry her,
what did you do last night?
I don't remember,
honey. I don't...
All I know is, whether
I married her or not,
honey, I love you.
Don't touch me!
Aren't you gonna have
your breakfast, darling?
I am not darling!
Sock him, Harold!
Ann, will you
please listen to me?
Good morning, young lovers.
And how are the newlyweds today?
How did you know
they were newlyweds?
Well, I didn't have the
guts to tell you at breakfast,
but I was the best man.
How could you not
remember a wedding
where he was the best man?
Excuse me!
Uh... Oh, you forgot this.
It's your wedding license.
I don't care what it says
on the wedding license.
Ann, will you listen?
Donald, will you
just leave me alone?
Harold, that boy is horrible.
He has no scruples,
no morals, no ethics!
No taste, either. I'd
have married that girl.
♪♪ [theme]
Cheer up, cheer up, sweetheart.
We're opening tonight.
Oh, I'm gonna be awful.
How could you be?
You'll be working with me.
Besides, you should feel lucky.
You found out
what he's really like.
Ah, that's what's
great about Vegas.
All the rottenness comes out.
Why couldn't we just open
in Boston or Philadelphia
like everybody else?
[chuckles] Because
he'd be banned in Boston.
Ann, look, I've been following
you around all morning.
I think we at least owe each
other a little conversation.
Well, old-timer, how's it
feel being married one day?
Yeah, like I want
to kill myself.
[chuckles] Well, here's
your marriage license.
You can write your
will on the back.
Honey.
I mean, now, look.
You've got to help me.
I know that, Donald, and I...
And I'm really trying
very hard to be...
To be mature and...
And understanding
and... and reasonable.
I understand that, honey.
And I appreciate it.
I know there must be an
answer for all this someplace.
More coffee?
That's not it. Oh.
No. No, thank you.
No. No. Thank you.
You know, I've... I've
thought about this,
and I... and I think that
we just have to approach it
in the most logical
way possible.
First of all, killing
Joanne would be wrong.
True.
Having resolved that,
I think I'd better go to my room
before this breath
I'm using runs out
and I become hysterical.
Uh, honey. Honey.
I know this may not help much,
but I do love you.
Oh, I know that.
You do?
Of course I do.
Oh, Donald. And I still...
I still...
love...
I... I still... It's
hard to say?
I've never said it to a
married man before.
Honey, it's not like I'm
really married! I'm just...
I think about now I'd
like to have amnesia.
Mr. Hollinger, please
come to the front desk.
Mr. Donald
Hollinger... That's you.
Yeah, I know.
Look, I'd better go
find out what it's all about.
Come on, darling.
[sobs]
What?
Nothing. I'm sorry.
I just remembered
how you used to call me
"darling" when we were single.
[sobs]
Uh, excuse me.
I'm Don Hollinger.
There was a page for me.
Oh. Uh, it's just
this signature,
Mr. Hollinger. Yeah,
what... what about it?
Well, it's signed
"Mrs. Don Hollinger."
Yeah, that's right.
But there is no
Mrs. Don Hollinger
registered here.
Yeah, well, she's registered,
but not as my wife.
Oh.
Oh!
Oh... I see! Hmm.
Don't leer at me.
I'm not Mrs. Don Hollinger.
Yes, I understand that.
You just signed that.
I did not sign it.
His... wife... signed it.
Yes, I see!
You don't see anything!
All right, take it easy, honey.
Look, just what is it you want?
Well, I want to know why
there's a Mrs. Don Hollinger
in this room and you're
only paying for a single.
Well, because, um...
because yesterday when
I registered, I was single,
and last night, I got married.
Oh! Congratulations!
[sobs]
[sobbing] Or whatever.
Your wife is
registered separately?
Yeah. I... I don't... Joanne
something. I... I don't know.
Well, what's the difference?
Well, the difference is I
would like to cancel her room
and tell the cashier that
she is now in your room.
She is not in my room.
She is in her own room.
Well, then tell me her room,
and I'll put that
on your bill. Why?!
Because she's your wife!
[sobs]
You know, between
you and my wife,
I'm gonna lose a girlfriend.
Helen, I thought I'd call
Hollinger long distance
and have him deliver some
flowers and champagne
for Ann's opening.
No, no. I'll pay him
back on Monday.
I know our florist can do it,
but this way, I can
find out how Ann is.
Clever? [chuckles]
Yeah. Yeah, I'll
see you later. Bye.
Oh, operator, I'd like
to place a long distance
Person-to-person call
to Mr. Donald Hollinger
at the Sands Hotel in Las Vegas.
The area code?
Probably 7-11. [laughs]
I know it isn't 7-11!
Fine sense of humor.
Sands Hotel.
I have a person-to-person call
for Donald Hollinger.
I'll ring their room.
Not "their" room. His room.
She's ringing, sir.
I hear her! I hear her!
There is no answer in their
room Shall I page them?
Not them. Just him.
Shall I page Mr. or
Mrs. Hollinger?
I tell you, there is
no Mrs. Hollinger!
Operator, will you tell
your party that there is?
They were married last night.
5, red.
You lose?
My father lost. That was the $10
he gave me to play on number 28.
Oh. Have you lost any
money of your own?
No, I... I haven't been
betting any money of my own.
So far, the only
thing I've lost is you.
Ann.
Ann.
Heigh-ho, hubby!
Look, I gotta talk to you.
And that's about it, Joanne.
I mean, I feel awful.
I take the full blame for
what I've done to you.
I've messed up
your life, my life.
No. Look... forget my life.
Ann's life.
She's upstairs
cryin' her eyes out.
I don't know what I'm
gonna do. Oh, stop it.
Look... we're not married, Don.
It was all a terrible
practical joke.
[Ann] A practical joke?!
A practical joke?!
Well, Don passed out in the cab,
and when we got
back to the hotel,
Marty pulled up behind us.
Then we helped Don up to his
room, and Marty went out and got
that phony marriage
license from a friend of his.
Yeah, but you were in
Donald's room this morning!
I know. We kept the key.
And when Don was asleep,
I snuck up into the room,
and I waited for you to come up.
What kind of a
human being is he?!
That's it! He's not
a human being!
He's a... He's a...
Rat. A dirty,
rotten, no-good rat.
Donald, don't be kind to him.
How can he just
take two people's lives
and jumble them up like mush?!
It just bugged him that you
thought Don was such a nice guy.
He thought it'd be funny if...
Funny?! He ought to
be locked up for life!
Or longer,
whichever comes first.
I'll see you later.
Where are you going?
To kill him! Oh, Donald,
don't. You'll get in
trouble. It'll be worth it.
He is not worth it!
He's just a dirty,
rotten little rat.
That is good, by the way.
Hey, I just had a
wonderful thought!
I'm not married! It's like
being cured of the plague!
Thanks a lot!
Oh, I... I didn't
mean it that way.
He's got to be punished!
I mean, a joke is
supposed to be funny,
and that wasn't funny.
Was that funny? No.
No!
We've got to beat him in his own
little practical joking game.
We should come up with a beauty!
Yeah. If we just put
our heads together...
Hello. Helen? I'm
not working tonight.
No, it's not wonderful. Pack
a bag. I'm goin' to Las Vegas.
Not "we." Me!
Because if you go along,
you'll talk me
out of killing him!
[laughter]
All right!
I want a 7!
Did he win?
2. A loser.
Me! A loser!
Me, Marty Haines,
wonderful person,
wonderful star, a loser.
I tell you, gang, this...
is the devil's workshop.
[chuckles evilly]
But the devil's gonna get even.
Another stack.
Sorry, Mr. Haines.
You reached your limit.
The ultimate sacrifice...
My life... on the pass line.
I'm sorry, Mr. Haines,
but minimum bet's a dollar.
[laughter]
[chuckles] Sure, sure, laugh.
But I'll be prayin' for you.
And if any of you
want to get healed,
come join me in the bar.
Providing you're buying.
There he goes.
Are you ready?
You bet.
I'm gonna give a better
performance right now
than I will onstage tonight.
Hi, Marty.
Ah, here we are.
Welcome to the meeting
of Losers Anonymous.
[chuckles] You know
where Donald is?
Donald who?
Oh, Donald. No, my dear.
I hardly make it a habit of following
men around on their honeymoon.
Can the Sands buy
you a drink, Mr. Haines?
Could I have the money instead?
Sorry. Scotch?
Perfect.
Oh. Nothing.
Anything for the lady.
No, thanks.
You haven't seen Donald, huh?
I really gotta talk to him.
No. But if I do, I'm sure
you still want me to tell him
you're in love with him. Right?
Oh, no. I really
don't have the right
to say that to him anymore.
As a matter of fact...
what has to be said really is...
well... [speaking French]
What's that?
[speaking French]
is... oh, how you say, uh...
What the nose inhales,
the heart exhales.
That's lovely.
Ann?
Donald asked me
to give you this.
What is it?
It's our marriage license.
He wrote something
on the back of it in French.
On the back of your
marriage license?
He said it was Marty's idea.
On the back of the...
Well, that was just
a joke about a will.
A will? What else did he say?
Nothing. Except that
he was depressed...
sulking... really
acting kinda strange!
Well... what's it say?
"Voilà le très fou de
la femme." What's that?
That's a closing
statement of a character
in one of Donald's short
stories... Pierre Dupont!
What's it mean?
Well, it...
Well, it... it couldn't
mean the same thing.
I mean... when Pierre
did it, there was a lake,
and, I mean, we're right
in the middle of a desert.
There's not a lake here.
Has Lake Mead dried up?
Of course there's a lake here.
What about Pierre and
a lake? What'd he do?
He... He jumped into the lake!
Oh, no.
Oh, that's ridiculous. I mean,
there was a dam
and... And everything.
Are you kidding? Hoover
Dam is here with Lake Mead!
That's right! I forgot
about Hoover Dam!
Ahh, it's all my fault.
Your fault? Why
would it be your fault?
Well, because I...
I have to tell you the truth.
Donald isn't really married.
It... It was all a joke.
Marty!
How could you?
Because I'm a rotten
person! That's how could I!
Ahh! I gotta do something!
It's probably too late.
No! It can't be!
[snap snap snap]
[snap snap snap]
I tell you, it was just a joke!
That he may never laugh at.
[gasp] Don't say that!
I know what I'll
do. I'll find out
if he's left for the lake yet.
Did... Did you
brief the doorman?
$5.00 worth of briefing.
That's great.
Uh, excuse me.
Well, if it isn't the wife
and the other woman.
Look, there's never
was a Mrs. Hollinger,
and she isn't anymore, anyway.
That marriage is totally over.
Already? You
know, that's a record.
That's a new Las
Vegas record. One night!
Look, will you please tell the
switchboard that if anybody calls
for Joanne Ferrer, Donald
Hollinger, or Ann Marie, we've all
gone out to Lake Mead.
Come on, come on.
He's at the lake.
Don is at the lake!
Um, Mrs. Donald Hollinger.
There's been some
confusion here.
You'd better talk to
the front desk. I'll ring.
[buzz]
Front desk.
I'm trying to locate
Mrs. Donald Hollinger.
Oh. Well, there is no
Mrs. Donald Hollinger.
What do you mean,
there's no Mrs. Hollinger?
I called this morning,
and somebody here said
there is a Mrs.
Donald Hollinger.
Well, this morning there was
a Mrs. Donald Hollinger.
Are we talking to each other?
I'm on the phone!
I'm sorry. As I was saying.
This morning there was
a Mrs. Donald Hollinger.
But Mr. Hollinger
evidently fell in love
with another girl
since this morning
and has ultimately...
uh... divorced...
Mrs., uh, Hollinger.
That rat!
Who are you?
Lou Marie, the
father of the ex-bride.
Oh, Mr. Marie, as
in Ann Marie. Right.
Oh, well, you've
nothing to worry about.
Miss Marie wasn't the bride.
You mean he married
somebody else?
Yes. Miss Ferrer.
I'll kill him.
What's my daughter's
room number?
422.422.
Oh, but she's not there.
And where is she?
Well, she went to Lake Mead.
And, by the way, so did
Mr. Hollinger and the ex.
What in the world
are they doing there?
Well, how would I know? I
try to mind my own business.
[indistinct public announcement]
Oh, my gosh! [gasps] Ohh!
Oh, my goodness! Donald!
Oh, Donald! He's gone!
He's done it! My Donald!
Done! What have I done?!
Ohh... Oh, me and
my practical jokes!
I've finally done it!
I killed a human being!
Oh, it's pure murder!
I... I should be struck down.
Don't.
Donald! Donald! I'm coming!
Ann, what are you doin'?!
Oh, leave me alone! I must!
I must! Ann!
Oh, the poor kid! Oh, Donald!
Donald!
Ann!
Don't!
Stand back, or I'll jump!
On, no! Ann! Don't jump!
Don't jump? Why
shouldn't I jump?
What have I got to live for?
If I can't be with him in life,
I'll be with him in water.
This whole world is a fake!
Life is a fake!
The only thing
that's real is fake!
Fake is real, and real is fake,
and like that.
Good-bye!
Oh, what did I do
to deserve this?
What did you do to deserve this?
You started the whole thing!
Farewell!
Ann, wait!
Wait! Don't! Please!
I'm begging you,
and I've never begged before,
but I'm asking you,
please don't jump.
I'm through with
practical jokes.
I'll never do another one again!
Oh, I should be the one to jump.
Ann, wait. Just wait there.
I'll jump instead!
Come on!
She's crazy! She's really crazy!
Wait for me.
Hollinger!
Mr. Marie!
Don't you "Mr. Marie" me!
In your stocking feet.
Now, look, it's all just a joke.
Ann's all right. Where is she?
Well, she's over there,
and she's just fine.
I'm gonna jump now!
That's Ann!
She's not really gonna jump.
Ann! Ann! Mr. Marie!
Ann! Get down!
Ann! Get down from there!
Daddy! Uh... Ann! Get down!
Have you gone out of your mind?!
What were you doing up there?!
Uh... I... I was,
uh... uh... nothing.
Oh, sir, thank
heavens you've arrived
and you were able to reach her!
I've destroyed one life,
but... you've saved one.
Daddy, what are you doing here?!
I just came down for the annual
Las Vegas Marriage Festival.
And to Kill Hollinger.
It's too late, sir.
I've already done that job.
Who is this character, and
what is he talking about?
I'm Marty Haines!
Daddy, let me just try to
explain. It's very simple.
You see, we were on the
plane, and Marty thought
that I thought that
Donald was a saint,
which... which he
really couldn't stand.
It really bothered him. I
mean Marty, not Donald.
And so he tried to convince
me that Donald was,
and he always was in
my opinion anyway, so...
Ann, that's enough of
your silly explanations.
What happened to
my $10 on number 28?
I lost it.
What's with you two
and the numbers?
How can you talk like this
when there's a man down
there under that water?
He's drowned! He's
probably dead! Dea...
Oh! Oh! He lives!
Hollinger lives!
He lives!
♪♪ [jazz]
[Ann] It sure was. Thanks.
[chuckles] Ah.
You know, I was
kind of proud of you.
You were great.
On the dam or on the stage?
Both. Thank you, Donald.
You know, Marty sent me flowers.
And I'll probably get the bill.
No. I think he's really sorry.
I don't know. He was
funny in the show.
Did Daddy like it?
I don't think he knew
anybody else was on the stage.
He was just
watching you. [laughs]
What about when I
wasn't on the stage?
He was watching me to make
sure I wasn't watching Joanne.
[chuckles] Were you?
Well, if I was, how would I
know he was watching me?
I was watching him.
[both laugh]
I'm a very lucky girl to have
two such nice men
watching over me.
[laughter]
[laughter, chatter]
Do you think we could
find a nice, quiet little spot
where we can kiss a lot?
[chuckles]
I know just the spot.
Honey, that spot
hasn't been quiet
since the first day we met.
[laughs]
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
[Ann] It started out to
be a wonderful weekend.
I mean, Donald and I
landing in Las Vegas
and... and then
arriving at the hotel
where I was starring
in a new play.
Well, not exactly starring.
But it was exciting,
especially having Donald
there to cheer on opening night.
I went to a cast meeting and met
Donald afterwards in the casino.
Yeah. I want you to keep this.
Me? Oh, no. I... I...
No, no, no, honey. I
know it was just luck,
and I don't want to push it.
If I keep it, I'm gonna lose it.
Okay? Now, you give it
back to me at the airport.
The star of the
show, Marty Haines,
who wasn't too
crazy about Donald,
offered to show us the sights.
Listen, why don't you two
go ahead. We'll catch up.
What about Donald the Good?
He's probably eating.
Oh, does he usually eat
before he goes out to dinner?
Yes. And he usually washes
before he takes a bath,
and he takes a nap
before he goes to sleep.
Huh! Odd Donald
does all of that, eh?
Oh! Oh! Donald!
I'm sorry. Are you all right?
Yes, I'm fine. I'm sorry.
Ooh, that's an arm.
Did you eat?
"Eat"? What's "eat"?
Is that "eat"? [laughs]
He's awfully cute.
May I say the same?
I'm awfully cute.
[laughs]
He's darling. I just love him.
Yeah, so do I.
[chuckling] Well,
we're all having
such a wonderful time, but
meanwhile, the cab is waiting,
and the meter isn't.
Yeah, well, we'll be
there in ten cents.
Perfect. Let's go.
Honey. Honey, listen.
Um, give me back
the $200 I gave you.
Donald, you made me promise.
Hunh Huhh! I remove the promise.
But I said no, and we went
to one of the lounge shows
on the Strip.
I wanna write a withdrawal slip
for $200 to the Little
Bank of Marie. [laughs]
Donald!
Oh, for heaven's
sakes, take the $200.
Forget what I promised.
Oh... no... honey.
I'm sorry.
You're not sorry.
Marty was right.
Marty was right about what?
One day in Las Vegas,
and already you're drinking
and gambling and... her-ing.
I'm going back to
the hotel. Excuse me.
What? Ann, wait a minute.
I went back alone,
and the next morning,
I felt just awful about
the argument with Donald.
You know what I think? Uh,
there's just a lot of
time before rehearsal.
Maybe I'll just run upstairs
and kind of straighten
everything out.
Okay? See you later.
Honey, I'm...
[chuckles] I'm so sorry.
Oh, Donald, so am I.
Oh, darling. I was
so bad last night.
I... I tell you, an
empty stomach
and a full glass is a
terrible combination.
[giggles] I know.
How's your head?
[chuckles] I think
I left it in the taxi.
[chuckles]
[water running]
Do you hear water running?
[water running]
I mu... I must've
left it on all night.
Oh, you're up! Good
morning, sweetheart.
What are you doing here?
A-Ann, I... I don't...
Well, what is she doing here?
Oh, I'm sure I
didn't invite her!
What... Ann, wait a
minute! Wait a minute!
I have no i... I have
no idea in the world
what she... What
are you doing here?!
You don't remember!
I don't remember what?
We were married last night
[whining] at the Little
Chapel Around the Corner!
[sobs]
[knock knock] Room service!
One minute. I didn't
order room service.
Oh, your wife did.
Oh, Donald!
You did order it, didn't
you, Mrs. Hollinger?
I am not Mrs. Hollinger.
Ann, wait.
Donald, please.
I'm trying very hard
to be sophisticated
about this. But it's not easy
with you running
around in your pajamas.
Oh, honey, I'm
not running around.
Your wife is waiting
for you in there.
She's not my wife,
honey. She's... well...
Just a friend?
No! Yes! I...
Honey, I don't know.
All I know is I didn't
marry her last night.
Well, if you didn't marry her,
what did you do last night?
I don't remember,
honey. I don't...
All I know is, whether
I married her or not,
honey, I love you.
Don't touch me!
Aren't you gonna have
your breakfast, darling?
I am not darling!
Sock him, Harold!
Ann, will you
please listen to me?
Good morning, young lovers.
And how are the newlyweds today?
How did you know
they were newlyweds?
Well, I didn't have the
guts to tell you at breakfast,
but I was the best man.
How could you not
remember a wedding
where he was the best man?
Excuse me!
Uh... Oh, you forgot this.
It's your wedding license.
I don't care what it says
on the wedding license.
Ann, will you listen?
Donald, will you
just leave me alone?
Harold, that boy is horrible.
He has no scruples,
no morals, no ethics!
No taste, either. I'd
have married that girl.
♪♪ [theme]
Cheer up, cheer up, sweetheart.
We're opening tonight.
Oh, I'm gonna be awful.
How could you be?
You'll be working with me.
Besides, you should feel lucky.
You found out
what he's really like.
Ah, that's what's
great about Vegas.
All the rottenness comes out.
Why couldn't we just open
in Boston or Philadelphia
like everybody else?
[chuckles] Because
he'd be banned in Boston.
Ann, look, I've been following
you around all morning.
I think we at least owe each
other a little conversation.
Well, old-timer, how's it
feel being married one day?
Yeah, like I want
to kill myself.
[chuckles] Well, here's
your marriage license.
You can write your
will on the back.
Honey.
I mean, now, look.
You've got to help me.
I know that, Donald, and I...
And I'm really trying
very hard to be...
To be mature and...
And understanding
and... and reasonable.
I understand that, honey.
And I appreciate it.
I know there must be an
answer for all this someplace.
More coffee?
That's not it. Oh.
No. No, thank you.
No. No. Thank you.
You know, I've... I've
thought about this,
and I... and I think that
we just have to approach it
in the most logical
way possible.
First of all, killing
Joanne would be wrong.
True.
Having resolved that,
I think I'd better go to my room
before this breath
I'm using runs out
and I become hysterical.
Uh, honey. Honey.
I know this may not help much,
but I do love you.
Oh, I know that.
You do?
Of course I do.
Oh, Donald. And I still...
I still...
love...
I... I still... It's
hard to say?
I've never said it to a
married man before.
Honey, it's not like I'm
really married! I'm just...
I think about now I'd
like to have amnesia.
Mr. Hollinger, please
come to the front desk.
Mr. Donald
Hollinger... That's you.
Yeah, I know.
Look, I'd better go
find out what it's all about.
Come on, darling.
[sobs]
What?
Nothing. I'm sorry.
I just remembered
how you used to call me
"darling" when we were single.
[sobs]
Uh, excuse me.
I'm Don Hollinger.
There was a page for me.
Oh. Uh, it's just
this signature,
Mr. Hollinger. Yeah,
what... what about it?
Well, it's signed
"Mrs. Don Hollinger."
Yeah, that's right.
But there is no
Mrs. Don Hollinger
registered here.
Yeah, well, she's registered,
but not as my wife.
Oh.
Oh!
Oh... I see! Hmm.
Don't leer at me.
I'm not Mrs. Don Hollinger.
Yes, I understand that.
You just signed that.
I did not sign it.
His... wife... signed it.
Yes, I see!
You don't see anything!
All right, take it easy, honey.
Look, just what is it you want?
Well, I want to know why
there's a Mrs. Don Hollinger
in this room and you're
only paying for a single.
Well, because, um...
because yesterday when
I registered, I was single,
and last night, I got married.
Oh! Congratulations!
[sobs]
[sobbing] Or whatever.
Your wife is
registered separately?
Yeah. I... I don't... Joanne
something. I... I don't know.
Well, what's the difference?
Well, the difference is I
would like to cancel her room
and tell the cashier that
she is now in your room.
She is not in my room.
She is in her own room.
Well, then tell me her room,
and I'll put that
on your bill. Why?!
Because she's your wife!
[sobs]
You know, between
you and my wife,
I'm gonna lose a girlfriend.
Helen, I thought I'd call
Hollinger long distance
and have him deliver some
flowers and champagne
for Ann's opening.
No, no. I'll pay him
back on Monday.
I know our florist can do it,
but this way, I can
find out how Ann is.
Clever? [chuckles]
Yeah. Yeah, I'll
see you later. Bye.
Oh, operator, I'd like
to place a long distance
Person-to-person call
to Mr. Donald Hollinger
at the Sands Hotel in Las Vegas.
The area code?
Probably 7-11. [laughs]
I know it isn't 7-11!
Fine sense of humor.
Sands Hotel.
I have a person-to-person call
for Donald Hollinger.
I'll ring their room.
Not "their" room. His room.
She's ringing, sir.
I hear her! I hear her!
There is no answer in their
room Shall I page them?
Not them. Just him.
Shall I page Mr. or
Mrs. Hollinger?
I tell you, there is
no Mrs. Hollinger!
Operator, will you tell
your party that there is?
They were married last night.
5, red.
You lose?
My father lost. That was the $10
he gave me to play on number 28.
Oh. Have you lost any
money of your own?
No, I... I haven't been
betting any money of my own.
So far, the only
thing I've lost is you.
Ann.
Ann.
Heigh-ho, hubby!
Look, I gotta talk to you.
And that's about it, Joanne.
I mean, I feel awful.
I take the full blame for
what I've done to you.
I've messed up
your life, my life.
No. Look... forget my life.
Ann's life.
She's upstairs
cryin' her eyes out.
I don't know what I'm
gonna do. Oh, stop it.
Look... we're not married, Don.
It was all a terrible
practical joke.
[Ann] A practical joke?!
A practical joke?!
Well, Don passed out in the cab,
and when we got
back to the hotel,
Marty pulled up behind us.
Then we helped Don up to his
room, and Marty went out and got
that phony marriage
license from a friend of his.
Yeah, but you were in
Donald's room this morning!
I know. We kept the key.
And when Don was asleep,
I snuck up into the room,
and I waited for you to come up.
What kind of a
human being is he?!
That's it! He's not
a human being!
He's a... He's a...
Rat. A dirty,
rotten, no-good rat.
Donald, don't be kind to him.
How can he just
take two people's lives
and jumble them up like mush?!
It just bugged him that you
thought Don was such a nice guy.
He thought it'd be funny if...
Funny?! He ought to
be locked up for life!
Or longer,
whichever comes first.
I'll see you later.
Where are you going?
To kill him! Oh, Donald,
don't. You'll get in
trouble. It'll be worth it.
He is not worth it!
He's just a dirty,
rotten little rat.
That is good, by the way.
Hey, I just had a
wonderful thought!
I'm not married! It's like
being cured of the plague!
Thanks a lot!
Oh, I... I didn't
mean it that way.
He's got to be punished!
I mean, a joke is
supposed to be funny,
and that wasn't funny.
Was that funny? No.
No!
We've got to beat him in his own
little practical joking game.
We should come up with a beauty!
Yeah. If we just put
our heads together...
Hello. Helen? I'm
not working tonight.
No, it's not wonderful. Pack
a bag. I'm goin' to Las Vegas.
Not "we." Me!
Because if you go along,
you'll talk me
out of killing him!
[laughter]
All right!
I want a 7!
Did he win?
2. A loser.
Me! A loser!
Me, Marty Haines,
wonderful person,
wonderful star, a loser.
I tell you, gang, this...
is the devil's workshop.
[chuckles evilly]
But the devil's gonna get even.
Another stack.
Sorry, Mr. Haines.
You reached your limit.
The ultimate sacrifice...
My life... on the pass line.
I'm sorry, Mr. Haines,
but minimum bet's a dollar.
[laughter]
[chuckles] Sure, sure, laugh.
But I'll be prayin' for you.
And if any of you
want to get healed,
come join me in the bar.
Providing you're buying.
There he goes.
Are you ready?
You bet.
I'm gonna give a better
performance right now
than I will onstage tonight.
Hi, Marty.
Ah, here we are.
Welcome to the meeting
of Losers Anonymous.
[chuckles] You know
where Donald is?
Donald who?
Oh, Donald. No, my dear.
I hardly make it a habit of following
men around on their honeymoon.
Can the Sands buy
you a drink, Mr. Haines?
Could I have the money instead?
Sorry. Scotch?
Perfect.
Oh. Nothing.
Anything for the lady.
No, thanks.
You haven't seen Donald, huh?
I really gotta talk to him.
No. But if I do, I'm sure
you still want me to tell him
you're in love with him. Right?
Oh, no. I really
don't have the right
to say that to him anymore.
As a matter of fact...
what has to be said really is...
well... [speaking French]
What's that?
[speaking French]
is... oh, how you say, uh...
What the nose inhales,
the heart exhales.
That's lovely.
Ann?
Donald asked me
to give you this.
What is it?
It's our marriage license.
He wrote something
on the back of it in French.
On the back of your
marriage license?
He said it was Marty's idea.
On the back of the...
Well, that was just
a joke about a will.
A will? What else did he say?
Nothing. Except that
he was depressed...
sulking... really
acting kinda strange!
Well... what's it say?
"Voilà le très fou de
la femme." What's that?
That's a closing
statement of a character
in one of Donald's short
stories... Pierre Dupont!
What's it mean?
Well, it...
Well, it... it couldn't
mean the same thing.
I mean... when Pierre
did it, there was a lake,
and, I mean, we're right
in the middle of a desert.
There's not a lake here.
Has Lake Mead dried up?
Of course there's a lake here.
What about Pierre and
a lake? What'd he do?
He... He jumped into the lake!
Oh, no.
Oh, that's ridiculous. I mean,
there was a dam
and... And everything.
Are you kidding? Hoover
Dam is here with Lake Mead!
That's right! I forgot
about Hoover Dam!
Ahh, it's all my fault.
Your fault? Why
would it be your fault?
Well, because I...
I have to tell you the truth.
Donald isn't really married.
It... It was all a joke.
Marty!
How could you?
Because I'm a rotten
person! That's how could I!
Ahh! I gotta do something!
It's probably too late.
No! It can't be!
[snap snap snap]
[snap snap snap]
I tell you, it was just a joke!
That he may never laugh at.
[gasp] Don't say that!
I know what I'll
do. I'll find out
if he's left for the lake yet.
Did... Did you
brief the doorman?
$5.00 worth of briefing.
That's great.
Uh, excuse me.
Well, if it isn't the wife
and the other woman.
Look, there's never
was a Mrs. Hollinger,
and she isn't anymore, anyway.
That marriage is totally over.
Already? You
know, that's a record.
That's a new Las
Vegas record. One night!
Look, will you please tell the
switchboard that if anybody calls
for Joanne Ferrer, Donald
Hollinger, or Ann Marie, we've all
gone out to Lake Mead.
Come on, come on.
He's at the lake.
Don is at the lake!
Um, Mrs. Donald Hollinger.
There's been some
confusion here.
You'd better talk to
the front desk. I'll ring.
[buzz]
Front desk.
I'm trying to locate
Mrs. Donald Hollinger.
Oh. Well, there is no
Mrs. Donald Hollinger.
What do you mean,
there's no Mrs. Hollinger?
I called this morning,
and somebody here said
there is a Mrs.
Donald Hollinger.
Well, this morning there was
a Mrs. Donald Hollinger.
Are we talking to each other?
I'm on the phone!
I'm sorry. As I was saying.
This morning there was
a Mrs. Donald Hollinger.
But Mr. Hollinger
evidently fell in love
with another girl
since this morning
and has ultimately...
uh... divorced...
Mrs., uh, Hollinger.
That rat!
Who are you?
Lou Marie, the
father of the ex-bride.
Oh, Mr. Marie, as
in Ann Marie. Right.
Oh, well, you've
nothing to worry about.
Miss Marie wasn't the bride.
You mean he married
somebody else?
Yes. Miss Ferrer.
I'll kill him.
What's my daughter's
room number?
422.422.
Oh, but she's not there.
And where is she?
Well, she went to Lake Mead.
And, by the way, so did
Mr. Hollinger and the ex.
What in the world
are they doing there?
Well, how would I know? I
try to mind my own business.
[indistinct public announcement]
Oh, my gosh! [gasps] Ohh!
Oh, my goodness! Donald!
Oh, Donald! He's gone!
He's done it! My Donald!
Done! What have I done?!
Ohh... Oh, me and
my practical jokes!
I've finally done it!
I killed a human being!
Oh, it's pure murder!
I... I should be struck down.
Don't.
Donald! Donald! I'm coming!
Ann, what are you doin'?!
Oh, leave me alone! I must!
I must! Ann!
Oh, the poor kid! Oh, Donald!
Donald!
Ann!
Don't!
Stand back, or I'll jump!
On, no! Ann! Don't jump!
Don't jump? Why
shouldn't I jump?
What have I got to live for?
If I can't be with him in life,
I'll be with him in water.
This whole world is a fake!
Life is a fake!
The only thing
that's real is fake!
Fake is real, and real is fake,
and like that.
Good-bye!
Oh, what did I do
to deserve this?
What did you do to deserve this?
You started the whole thing!
Farewell!
Ann, wait!
Wait! Don't! Please!
I'm begging you,
and I've never begged before,
but I'm asking you,
please don't jump.
I'm through with
practical jokes.
I'll never do another one again!
Oh, I should be the one to jump.
Ann, wait. Just wait there.
I'll jump instead!
Come on!
She's crazy! She's really crazy!
Wait for me.
Hollinger!
Mr. Marie!
Don't you "Mr. Marie" me!
In your stocking feet.
Now, look, it's all just a joke.
Ann's all right. Where is she?
Well, she's over there,
and she's just fine.
I'm gonna jump now!
That's Ann!
She's not really gonna jump.
Ann! Ann! Mr. Marie!
Ann! Get down!
Ann! Get down from there!
Daddy! Uh... Ann! Get down!
Have you gone out of your mind?!
What were you doing up there?!
Uh... I... I was,
uh... uh... nothing.
Oh, sir, thank
heavens you've arrived
and you were able to reach her!
I've destroyed one life,
but... you've saved one.
Daddy, what are you doing here?!
I just came down for the annual
Las Vegas Marriage Festival.
And to Kill Hollinger.
It's too late, sir.
I've already done that job.
Who is this character, and
what is he talking about?
I'm Marty Haines!
Daddy, let me just try to
explain. It's very simple.
You see, we were on the
plane, and Marty thought
that I thought that
Donald was a saint,
which... which he
really couldn't stand.
It really bothered him. I
mean Marty, not Donald.
And so he tried to convince
me that Donald was,
and he always was in
my opinion anyway, so...
Ann, that's enough of
your silly explanations.
What happened to
my $10 on number 28?
I lost it.
What's with you two
and the numbers?
How can you talk like this
when there's a man down
there under that water?
He's drowned! He's
probably dead! Dea...
Oh! Oh! He lives!
Hollinger lives!
He lives!
♪♪ [jazz]
[Ann] It sure was. Thanks.
[chuckles] Ah.
You know, I was
kind of proud of you.
You were great.
On the dam or on the stage?
Both. Thank you, Donald.
You know, Marty sent me flowers.
And I'll probably get the bill.
No. I think he's really sorry.
I don't know. He was
funny in the show.
Did Daddy like it?
I don't think he knew
anybody else was on the stage.
He was just
watching you. [laughs]
What about when I
wasn't on the stage?
He was watching me to make
sure I wasn't watching Joanne.
[chuckles] Were you?
Well, if I was, how would I
know he was watching me?
I was watching him.
[both laugh]
I'm a very lucky girl to have
two such nice men
watching over me.
[laughter]
[laughter, chatter]
Do you think we could
find a nice, quiet little spot
where we can kiss a lot?
[chuckles]
I know just the spot.
Honey, that spot
hasn't been quiet
since the first day we met.
[laughs]
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA