That Girl (1966–1971): Season 4, Episode 12 - She Never Had the Vegas Notion - full transcript

Are you sure you
feel all right? I'm fine.

You don't look fine.

I'm always anxious
before I get on the plane.

But once I get on and the
plane takes off and lands

and I get off, I'm fine.

Well, you did it again.
Another 400-word sentence.

[gasps] Donald, look. 57!

That's very good, honey.

It's a sign.

Right. And that's a chair,
and that's a counter...

No, no, I mean it's a hunch.



The minute we get to Las Vegas,

I'm going right to
the roulette table

and putting a
dollar on number 57.

Oh, honey, I hate
to tell you this,

but there's no 57
on a roulette wheel.

Oh. See how they
keep all their money?

They remove all
the winning numbers.

You know, I think there's one
sure bet in Las Vegas this weekend,

and that's that you're gonna
get great reviews in your show.

I'm not exactly the star.

Well, you got my
personal guarantee

that you're gonna get a
standing ovation opening night.

One person standing on a
chair ovating doesn't count.

You never know,
I'm a born leader.



I'll have every waiter
in the place on his feet.

What am I gonna
do the second night?

You'll be on your own.
I gotta get back to work.

I wish you could
stay longer. So do I.

I don't miss a
thing. Mr. Haines.

Yes!

There's Marty.
I'd like to meet her.

The one in the
middle is Marty Haines.

The truth is I never
really wanted to be a star.

A king, perhaps.

Ha ha!

But actually, I
owe it all to you,

you dear, plain people.

[chuckles] There
you are, my dear,

because you're good, good, good.

Mr. Haines, are these young
ladies in the show with you?

Yes, lucky beauties
that they are.

This is their second
season with me.

They can't live without me.

Oh, yes, we can.

He drove us crazy last season.

He'll have to find a
new victim in this show.

Who will it be?
Who will it be? I...

This trip... that girl.

♪♪ [theme]

Excuse me, would you
like a pillow? No, thank you.

How about something to drink?

Yes, yes. I'll
have a Cuba Libre.

Well, it's time to
set my watch back.

Oh, not yet. Not till
we get to Las Vegas.

Are you kidding? I'll be much
too busy signing autographs.

There we are.
Three hours. Perfect.

I must say I do
have a lovely wrist.

Are you gonna gamble
when we get to Vegas?

Oh, sure. I've set some
money aside just for that.

Oh, really? How much? $32.

Well, I didn't eat
lunch last Thursday.

Then I didn't buy this
hat I kinda wanted.

Then my father gave me $10.

$32. That much, huh?

Oh, I'm not worried.

No, I was just thinking
abut the casinos

whether they can cover the bet.

What do you play?

Blackjack. I've got a system.

Oh, really? Would
you teach it to m?

Well, it's just your
simple double-up system.

You see, what I
do is I bet a dollar

and if I lose that, I
double up, I bet 2.

And if I lose that, I bet 4
and then 8 and then 16.

Well, if you lose that,
that's 32. Then what?

If I lose the 32, then
I really double up.

With what?

With pain. I hate to lose.

Here's your drink,
sir. Thank you.

You sure I can't get you
something? No, thanks.

I think I'll go back in tourist
and visit my boyfriend.

In tourist? Why? Don't
you like traveling together?

No, it's just that
it seems silly

to spend the extra
money for first class

when I can just walk back
there and visit him in tourist...

which I couldn't do
because tourist is filled

which we couldn't have known,

so that's why I'm
going back there now.

Listen, if he asks you out,

make sure you slam
the door. [laughs]

Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

[laughs] Him.

You know, I should have bought
a first-class ticket to begin with.

We didn't know the
plane was gonna be filled.

Well, just do me a favor.

When you get to
Vegas, wait for me to land

before you take a cab into town.

All right, visiting
hours are over.

Back to your cell.

Donald, this is Mr. Haines.

Mr. Haines? All of a
sudden it's Mr. Haines?

All week long it's
been sweetheart,

cookie, baby, handsome.

And now it's Mr. Haines? Ha ha!

Hello, handsome Mr. Haines.

Oh! Look at how fast he is.

He picks it up right
away. Fast, bright.

Decidedly less
attractive than I am.

Hi ho, my idolizers.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're
entering some unexpected turbulence.

Please return to your seats
and fasten your seatbelts.

You better get back
to your seat, honey.

I'll talk to you later.

Tell me about
Donald the boyfriend.

Is he, uh, spending
the whole two weeks?

No, he's only coming
out for the weekend.

The weekend? Ha ha!

That's enough for any
single guy. Enough what?

Enough whisky, enough
gambling, enough wild women.

Donald is not a big drinker.

I don't think he's ever gambled.

And I'm all the wild
women he needs.

Is that so? Wild, are you, eh?

Mm-hmm.

You know what they used
to call me in New York?

I'll bite. What?

Stuck-for-a-joke Annie.

[chuckles] Well, you
can joke all you want,

but I know, I've been there.

I don't care how good and pure
your boyfriend seems to be now.

Wait till he gets there.

You'll see the
real him come out.

I tell you, it's halos
off and horns on.

I know Donald a lot
better than you do.

I wonder what he'll be
doing while you're rehearsing.

Probably swimming and
golfing and playing tennis

and probably having
coffee in the coffee shop.

[turbulence]

Oh, no need to panic.
What could happen?

After all, St. Donald is aboard.

[Man on P.A.] Your
attention, please.

Flight 57 from New York
now arriving at Gate 16.

[Ann] We'll meet you
at the hotel, Marty.

Donald and I are gonna
take a tour of the town first.

[no audible dialogue]

[no audible dialogue]

[no audible dialogue]

[no audible dialogue]

Oh, Donald, look!

There's my name up in letters!

There's your name all right,

but to me, it's in lights.

Come on. Let's go in.

Oh, my gosh!

Huh?

Oh, Donald! Isn't it fantastic?

Great, honey.

Look, a one-armed bandit.

We call them slot machines.

I wasn't talking about
the slot machines.

I meant behind the machines.

That man with the mask and
the gun and his arm in a sling.

Come on, let's go check in.

I'm starved. I gotta
have something to eat.

Didn't you eat on the plane?

No, I hate veal.

Well, why didn't
you take the steak?

We people in the
back didn't get a choice.

Oh, Donald, I'm sorry.

I could have sent
you back my steak.

I never eat on a plane.

It interferes with my praying.

Come on, let's check in.

I'm starved.

Oh, let's just try our
luck at a slot machine.

You got any change?
I think I've got some.

That's a nickel machine.

Oh, yeah... Oh,
I've got two nickels.

Put it right in there. Okay. Let's
see. Oranges, plums, and cherries.

Try to win plums,
honey. I can't eat nickels.

That's nothing.

Well, it's the first
time I ever tried it.

Well, try it again.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute. Here's one more.

Yeah, here.

Oranges, plums, and cherries.

Three oranges or two...

[gasps] I won! I
won three nickels!

You put three in.

I won! I won no nickels!

No, honey, I won the nickel.

You lost two nickels and then
I gave you one of my nickels,

and my nickel made
three nickels fall out,

so I won two nickels.

Yeah, but if I hadn't put my
two nickels in in the first place,

your nickel never would
have won two nickels.

Right. Totally right.

So here's two nickels I
owe you, making you even.

And you even.

Right.

I don't see how they ever
make a profit in this town.

Evening, kiddies.

Ah, expect to win a lot?

That's mine. Here, I'll
check on the rest of the bags.

Excuse me.

Keep your eye on him.

I've seen what this town
can do to a moral fanatic.

Oh, Marty.

Oh. He's making a fool
out of himself. Look at him.

No, don't look! Why
should you be hurt?

Honey, they have... Honey? Ugh!

I've heard of lame
apologies, but honey?

That's not good
enough this time, fella.

You can add St. Donald
to your list of dropouts.

Well... see you at
the nickel machines.

You know, I think I
can grow to dislike him.

Oh, Donald, forget him.

Forget who?

Have I told you that I love you

more than anything
else in the whole world?

Yeah, I think you mentioned
that a few times already.

I thought it was you.
I just wasn't sure.

Come on, let's go check in.

And I'm starving.

Let's get something
to eat before I collapse.

Pardon me. We'd
like to register.

I'm Don Hollinger, and
this is Miss Ann Marie.

[Man] Yes, sir. If
you would, please.

[gasps] Donald!
Isn't that Carl Reiner?

No. No, I don't think it is.

No, I'm sure it's not.

Boy, he sure looks
like Carl Reiner.

But he's got hair.

And I read somewhere
that Carl Reiner

never wears his hair
unless he's working.

I winder if we're on television.

No, I don't think so.

Oh, Donald, I'm sure
that's Carl Reiner.

Go ask him. Honey, I can't-

Oh, go on. Just ask him.

Yeah, I'm him.

How do you do, Mr. Reiner?

We thought it was
you, but I wasn't sure,

because, you know,
you're wearing your hair.

No, I'm not. It's not mine.

It's somebody else's hair.

I knew it was him.

Honey, you better get
to your cast meeting.

And I'm gonna
grab a bite to eat.

Oh, no, wait for me!
Let's eat together.

But, honey, I'm starving.

Well, wait. Here's something
I got from the plane.

Wait. Here. Here's
some crackers.

Oh, and here's some
Macadamia nuts.

Oh, wait. And
here's two sour balls.

There. That'll hold you.

You got anything else?

Just a lipstick, but
that'll make you sick.

Oh, Donald! Hi,
honey! I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, hi, Ann. What's the matter?

Well, you know what
can happen here.

You lose a dollar so you bet 2.

You lose 2, and you bet 4

all the up to a thousand,
and you're broke.

Oh, Donald, you didn't!

You're right!

Meet the presidents.

[gasps] Oh, my gosh.

Where'd you get it?

I sold my appetite to a fat man.

Well, where did you get it?

I won it at the blackjack table.

Oh, that's fantastic.
How much is it?

More than 199 and less than 201.

More than 199 and less than 201.

Don't tell me. I'll get
it. $200. That's terrific.

Actually, it's worth about $300

because if I wasn't playing,
I would have been eating,

and I'm sure I could
have finished off

a hundred dollars' worth
of mashed potatoes.

Yeah, I know. I'm starving,
too. We're gonna eat right now.

Oh, wait a minute. Here.
I want you to keep this.

Me? Oh, no. I... I...
No, no, no, honey.

I know it was just luck,
and I don't want to push it.

If I keep it, I'm
gonna lose it, okay?

Now you give it back
to me at the airport.

Well, okay. But if you
need it, just ask me for it.

No!

You won't give it back.

No, I won't give it back.

Because this $200 is gonna
buy me a new set of woods,

a new 9-iron, and
a leather golf bag.

And a little something for
my pretty little banky banker.

All right, Donald,
I'll hold it for you.

Madame! You are a witness!

Donald. You really
make me feel terrible.

You're the first man
I ever drove to drink.

Honey, I'm just starved.

I only had one
drink on the plane,

and the waitress brought me
one here at the blackjack table.

I knew it. It's all my fault.

I'm gonna change right now.

I'll be down in 20 minutes.
I'll meet you in the lobby.

Okay? Okay!

Now don't have anything else.

Some Scotch?

No, just on my mother's side.

Please.

Uh...

Let's put it on the line!

Ah, hey there.
Looking lovely as ever.

Thank you. Ready to leave?

Listen, why don't you two
go ahead. We'll catch up.

What about Donald the
Good? He's probably eating.

Does he usually eat before
he goes out to dinner?

Yes. And he usually washes
before he takes a bath,

and he takes a nap
before he goes to sleep.

Our Donald does all of that, eh?

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry!

Are you all right?
Yes, I'm fine.

Ooh! That's an arm!

Did you eat? Eat? What's eat?

Is that eat?

He's awfully cute.

May I say the same?
I'm awfully cute.

He's darling. I just
love him. Yes, so do I.

[laughs] Well, we're all
having such a wonderful time,

but meanwhile, the cab is
waiting, and the meter isn't.

Yeah, well, we'll be
there in ten cents.

Honey, honey, listen.

Uh, give me back
the $200 I gave you.

Donald, you made me promise.

Huaah! Huaah! I
remove the promise.

You can't. What about your
golf clubs and your iron woods?

[Marty] Come on, you
two! See? They're waiting.

Now come on. We gotta
get some food in you.

Food? Yeah. You know, food.

Yeah, right. Uh, honey.

The money, sweetie.

No.

You're not gonna give me
back my own money? No.

Cop! Donald!

And you know,
ladies and gentlemen,

when men have
to get into heaven,

it's done a very secretive way.

You see, there are two
doors that lead into heaven.

One door says "Men who
are henpecked stand here."

Another door said "Men who are
not henpecked stand over here."

So in front of the door that
said "Men who are henpecked"

there was a long
line, 45 miles long.

In front of the other door

there was one little fellow
standing all by himself.

So all the fellows in
the long line yell over.

They say, "Hey, Charlie,
what are you doing over there?"

He says, "I don't know. My
wife told me to stand here."

[audience laughing]

Good night. Thank you.

Wasn't he terrific?

Hey, Pat! There's
Pat Boone. Hey, Pat!

Pat! Come on over!

Hey, Marty. You
devil. How are you?

Love your shoes.

Pat. Ann, this is Pat Boone.

Pat, you know everybody.

Nobody knows everybody.

Well, I'm Don
Hollinger. Hi, Don.

This is Ann Marie. My girl.

Oh, I'm really a
big fan of yours.

This is Joanne, uh... Hi!

Can you have a drink, Pat?

Oh, no, I gotta get back.
My milk's getting warm.

Nice to see you.

Oh, he's so cute and nice and
friendly and everything, isn't he?

Sure. But can he cook?

Oh, Donald, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize they didn't
serve food in the lounges.

Why don't we all go to a
restaurant or something? Right!

You're too tired to
run around, Donny.

Did I tell you how a person
can collapse in this town?

Why don't we find a quiet spot?

Marty and Ann can
bring something in.

I'm starting not to
have a good time.

Okay. Let's go.

The champ wants
to leave. All right.

Follow the tour conductor!

I met Pat Boone.

Okay, Ann, for the last
time, give me back my $400.

It's $200, and I've
got it right here.

And you just keep that
$200 like you promised

and give me the other $200.

What other 200?

Oh! Let me explain
something to you.

You see, when you were
getting dressed, I lost $200.

So now I'm even.
It's not my winnings.

Donald... I asked you to
hold my winnings, right?

Right. Since I'm even,
they're not my winnings.

They're my evens.

You're not breaking your word,

you're just giving me
back my evens. Wrong.

I'd give it back.

Ah! See?

I should have given it to her.

Fine, fine, Here. Just
give it right back to her.

Forget all about your iron
clubs and your wood irons

and your little something
for your banky banker.

Oh. Honey, I'm... I'm...

You're right. I'm
wrong. I'm sorry.

I played the fool.

Joanne, you keep your
two cents out of this,

and, Ann, you keep
my $200 out of this.

I mean, it's silly.

Money causing an argument
over two girls in the same show.

Give it to me.
I'll hold it for you.

[laughs]

Listen, you two, if you're gonna
fight like husband and wife,

why don't we stop off here at
the chapel and make it legal?

I wouldn't mind.

Neither would I!

She's cute, isn't she?

♪♪ ['60s rock]

Isn't she good?

I prefer the tango myself.

Any more for anyone?

No, no thanks. Uh, no.

Check, please.

There must be some food
value in this or I'd be dead.

Soon we'll have nice
thick piece of meat

with lots of gravy
and mashed potatoes.

I'll even buy it for you.

Hey, do you have a pencil
and a piece of paper in there?

Uh-huh. You want my number?

No, I wanna write a
withdrawal slip for $200

to the little bank of Marie.

Donald!

Oh, for heaven
sakes! Take the $200!

Forget what I promised!

Oh, no. Honey... I'm sorry.

You're not sorry.
Marty was right.

Marty was right about what?

One day in Las Vegas,

and already you're
drinking and gambling and...

her-ing.

I'm going back to
the hotel. Excuse me.

What? Ann, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Ann. Ann, wait a minute.

She's gone! She's really gone!

Taxi!

Hey, look at that!

We've been up all night.

Here we go.

Oh, Mr. Haines!

May we have your autograph?

Why, of course, my dear.

Ann Marie, driver. And hurry!

Oh, I think you're a great star.

You're right, dear.

Morning, sunshine. Morning.

[chuckles] I hate
to say I told you so.

Then don't.

He didn't even call me
when he got back last night.

He probably passed out.

Didn't he come back with you?

No, he was on his
way back with Joanne.

May I have the cream, please?

Oh, swell!

I tell you, Ann, it's this town.

It is not. It's all my fault.

I should have given him back
his money when he asked for it.

Shouldn't he be
down for breakfast?

I don't think he'd be in the
mood after what he drank.

I've slept 18 hours
after a night like that.

You don't think he's
sick or anything?

What, the champ?

No, he's probably
upstairs sleeping it off.

You know, I... I
think I'll go upstairs.

We've got time
before the rehearsal,

and I'll kind of
straighten everything out.

See you later.

No, dear, I'm fine, thanks.

Good morning, Donald.

Oh. Good morning, honey.

Oh, honey, come in.

Honey, I'm... I'm so sorry.

Oh, Donald, so am I.

I was so bad last night.

I... I tell you,

and empty stomach
and a full glass

is a terrible combination.

[laughs] I know.

How's your head?

[chuckles] I think
I left in in the taxi.

[water running]

Do you hear water running?

I must have left
it on all night.

Oh, you're up! Good
morning, sweetheart!

What are you doing here?

Ann, I... I don't... What
is she doing here?

Well, I'm sure I
didn't invite her!

Ann, wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

I have... I have no idea
in the world what she...

What are you doing here?

You don't remember?

I don't remember what?

We were married last night

at the little chapel
'round the corner!

[crying] [knock on door]

[Man] Room service!

I didn't order room service!

Oh, your wife did.

Oh, Donald!

You did order it, didn't
you, Mrs. Hollinger?

I am not Mrs. Hollinger!

Mrs. Hollinger is that girl!