That Girl (1966–1971): Season 3, Episode 24 - It's So Nice to Have a Mouse Around the House - full transcript

[door buzzer] Ooh. Coming!

[door buzzer continues]

Ta-da! Believe it
or not, I am ready.

Believe it or not, I can't go.

What's so funny about that?

It's not meant to be
funny. I have to work.

Not only tonight,
but all the weekend.

But that's terrible!

Didn't you tell them
we have plans?

That we're going to
Brewster to visit my parents?

Honey, writers are not
supposed to make plans.



Writers write. Period.

Forgive me, Donald, but did it ever occur
to you that you picked out a rotten career?

Actually, I wanted to be a
doctor, but the holes in my ears

are too small for
the stethoscope.

Just wish your editor
would give you a little notice.

Like, until Monday.

Honey, he couldn't.
We just got word.

They're having a special
Mid-Asian conference

at the U.N. this weekend.

What's so important about that?

Ann, the condition of Mid-Asia

is of vital importance
to the rest of the world.

Then why are they
meeting on the weekends?

All the stores are closed.



[clears throat]

Darling, um... Let
me explain it to you.

No. I won't explain it to you.

You don't have to explain
it to me. I understand.

I'll just call Mother and
tell her you're not coming,

and she can pick me up at the
railroad station in the morning.

I'm sorry, honey.

Oh, I don't think
it's your fault.

I know whose fault it is.

Who? Your managing
editor, that's who.

He does it deliberately.

Does what deliberately?

Every time some
Tom, Dick or Harry

shows up at the United Nations,

your managing editor
rubs his hands together

and says, "Oh, boy, another
chance to spoil her plans."

Oh, honey. I can
just hear him now.

"We need someone for a special
interview? Let's assign Hollinger.

He's the boyfriend
of... that girl."

♪♪ [theme]

[squeaking]

[scuttling]

[squeaking]

[chewing]

[squeaking]

[scratching]

[squeaking]

[phone ringing]

[ringing]

2:00 in the morning?

Hello? Donald!

Ann? Oh, Donald.

I tell you, I've never been
so scared in my whole life.

What's wrong? Why
are we whispering?

Because there's
something in my apartment.

And it might hear us.

Who? It's not a who.

It's an it. What kind of an it?

If I knew, it wouldn't
be an it. It'd be a what.

Oh, honey, honey, look. You
probably had a bad dream.

I did not have a dream.
Donald, please come over here.

Uh, honey, now look,
you know I would,

but I've got all
this research to do.

All right, Donald. I'll beg
you, if that's what you want.

Ann...

Oh, forget it. Just
please, do me a big favor,

and forget that I ever called.

I'm very sorry
that I bothered you.

And remember, Donald,

that I love you, and I
probably always would have.

Thank you. Good
luck on your work.

Good night.

[squeaking]

[screams]

Hello, operator? Operator,
this is an emergency.

It's dark, and I can't
see the numbers.

Would you please
get a number for me?

Yes, it's Bryant 9-9970.

[ringing]

Hello?

Donald! Donald, I saw it.

Well, honey,
honey, take it easy.

Oh, Donald, it's a animal.

A horrible animal, and
it was making noises.

What kind of noises?

Horrible, animal noises.

Well, honey, what
did it look like?

Well, I don't know. I
only saw it for a second.

But it... But it looked
sort of like a leopard!

Or a... Or a beaver.

Ann, how can anything look
like a leopard or a beaver?

They don't even faintly
resemble each other.

Well, maybe not in the zoo,
but in the apartment, in the dark...

Ann, look, what you saw
was probably a tiny mouse.

Donald! What I saw happened to
have been three-and-a-half feet high,

and it weighed at
least 40 pounds.

It just sat there,
looking at me,

rubbing its hands together

and licking its chops,

and tweaking its nose...

Oh, Donald, I was just
terrified, and I still am.

Ann, there is no such thing,
honey, as a 40-pound mouse.

Yeah, well, whatever it is, it's
out in my living room right now,

and it's stomping its
feet all over the place,

and knocking over furniture...

Oh, Donald, please come
over. I'm scared to death.

All right, honey, all right.

Look, I'll be there
as soon as I can.

Oh, Donald, I'm sorry
to make you do this.

I mean, I know you
have all that work to do,

but what if I faint
and it attacks me?

I mean, how will I ever know?

Okay, honey, okay.

Will you hurry as
fast as you can?

Okay, honey. Remember,
I'm at its mercy.

Ann, will you hang up, so I
can come and rescue you?

[hangs up]

[door buzzer]

[Donald] Ann?

Donald? Donald, is that you?

Yes. Open the door.

I'm afraid to come
through the room.

Ann, if you don't open the door,
I can't come in and help you.

Yeah, th-that's right.

Just a minute.

What are you doing?

Well, I don't want it to
run over my bare feet.

[shudders] Besides, one that
big could break your arches.

What makes you think
it can't climb up there?

If one could run up a clock,
one could certainly run up there.

I never thought of that. I
better go put on my scuffies.

You go look in my closet, first.

No, I'll look around out here.

With all your clothes, a mouse
could suffocate in that closet.

Donald? Donald, where are you?

Did you find it?
No. No, not yet.

Look, I'll have to go
out and get some traps.

We'll set 'em, and
we'll catch 'em.

And kill it?

Isn't that the whole idea?

No! I don't want to kill it.

Ann, wounding a mouse is
much more difficult than killing it.

I don't want to hurt it at all.

I just want it... moved.

I can't sleep, knowing
that it's living here with me.

Okay. Okay, get
dressed. What for?

Because I have to get some sleep or
else I'm not going to be able to stay awake

for my interview
tomorrow... Here.

You take the key
to my apartment,

and I'll stay here and
sleep with King Kong.

Oh, no, Donald. I don't
feel right about doing that.

Honey, it's all I can do,
unarmed, at 2:00 in the morning.

Thank you.

And to make it up to you,
first thing in the morning,

on my way back, I'm going
to stop off and get the fixings

for a really
scrumptious breakfast.

Okay, fine.

What would you like?

Do I have to decide now?

Of course not.

Poor Donald.

You never thought you'd get
yourself into something like this

on a night when you have
so much work to do, did you?

[door buzzer]

Oh, Mr. Marie,
good morning, sir.

Don't you try being
polite with me. [groans]

My back! My back!

Take it easy,
Mr. Marie. Take it easy.

Don't you tell
me to take it easy.

Put your clothes on.
We're going to Baltimore.

Baltimore? Why?

Because in Baltimore, which
happens to be in Maryland,

you can get married
right away... Ann?

Come out of there!
Mr. Marie, I... Look.

I know on the surface of things,
th-that-that it looks a little strange.

Strange? You dare to refer to this
situation I find you in as "strange"?

Ann! Mr. Marie, look.
Would you please listen.

Listen? That's all I do every time
I walk into one of these situations.

No, no, no. What you think
is one of these situations.

Don't correct your
elders. I'm sorry, sir.

Don't be polite. It drives
me crazy when you're polite.

Okay, but you're wrong.

You're going to tell me I'm
wrong when I walk in here

and I find you and Ann
shamelessly and openly...

Look, Mr. Marie. Look.

First, let me assure
you that Ann and I

would never do anything
shameless openly.

No, wait. That's
not what I meant.

What I meant was, uh...

Look, Ann isn't here. She
spent the night in my apartment,

and I spent the night
here. A likely story!

Well, look, if you don't
believe me, call her.

My telephone
number is... I know it!

I also know your
driver's license number,

your social security number
and your credit rating.

Which in my opinion, could
stand some improvement.

[line ringing]

That's the fourth ring. She
usually answers on the third.

Look, we had a very late night.

[ringing continues]

No, that's not what
I meant, either.

I don't care what you
meant. There's no answer.

What time is it, anyway?

If you'd at least wear
a watch, you'd know.

Hey, wake up, sleepyhead.

I've already been to the store.

I promised you a scrumptious breakfast,
and that's exactly what you're gonna get.

You deserve one,
after last night.

Ann... And best of all, I was
early enough at the bakery

to get some hot bread... a very
small token of my appreciation.

Ann?

Donald, why are you wearing
my coat? It's way too short for you.

Ann, somebody once
said, "We are not alone."

That quotation could
apply right here and now.

You're trying to
tell me something.

Your father's here.

Daddy! What a lovely surprise.

The surprise is all mine.
What are you talking about?

You know, most fathers expect to
spend a lot of money for a big wedding.

But if you're willing to
settle for a trip to Baltimore,

plus the cost of a
shotgun if necessary,

then it's perfectly
all right with me.

Do you know what
he's talking about?

He's asking us to get married.

Donald, you haven't
actually asked me yet.

Well, honey, not in so many
words, but you know how I feel.

Of course, and you know how I feel, but
I really don't think this is the time...

Ann! For heaven's
sake. I came here,

and found this man wearing...

Daddy! You're talking about
circumstantial evidence!

Circumstantial evidence has
always been good enough for me.

Even when there is a
perfectly logical explanation?

All right. Let's hear it.

I happened to have been
awakened in the middle of the night

by a three-and-a-half
foot, 40-pound mouse.

Where are you going?

I'm going to buy your mouse
a 60-pound piece of cheese.

Are you saying you
don't believe me?

I'm saying I don't believe a
three-and-a-half foot, 40-pound mouse.

Deny my mouse, and you deny me.

That hurts, Daddy.

Now you're accusing
me of hurting you.

Look, let's discuss
this over breakfast.

You'll have your
chance to be heard.

And Donald, maybe you ought to take
off my coat and put on your trousers.

It would may your
testimony more convincing.

And I came creeping
out of the bedroom,

and he was right about here
when I shined the light on him.

Now you know that
I'm a fairly brave girl,

but when I saw that
whatchamacallit just

bearing his teeth at me, well,
that's when I called Donald,

and he literally flew over here.

If he was wearing that
coat, I don't doubt it.

Oh, Daddy. When Donald
saw how frightened I was,

he insisted that I stay at his
apartment, and he'd stay here.

That's the whole story.

Now try and deny
that. Me, deny it?

That's what you've
been doing all along.

Not anymore. I give up.

You give up what?

I believe you.

You do not.

I do.

How come? Which
part convinced you?

I don't know. Maybe it was the
part about the whatchamacallit.

In other words, you're saying
you believe me, but you really don't.

I said I believe you.
Isn't that enough?

I'm satisfied. Well, I'm not.

Not as long as there's the
slightest doubt in your mind.

Besides, if you don't believe
me, how can I ever believe you

when you say you believe
me? If it'll make you any happier,

I'm perfectly willing
to go to Baltimore.

Matter of fact, I
sort of like the idea.

Well, Donald, I wouldn't
dream of going anywhere

until we prove to
Daddy once and for all

that there was, and still is,
a mouse in this apartment.

How do you propose to do that?

Well, I don't know.

Maybe we can get it to come out.

It's probably hiding, the
way Daddy's been hollering.

Ann, I do not have
to see a mouse.

I do not want to see a mouse!

And you won't, unless
you lower your voice.

Donald, do you think it
would help if we called it?

Maybe. What do you want to
call it? Harry? Milton? Seymour?

Donald, will you be serious?

I mean, maybe if we
put out some food,

and, you know,
called it. Nicely.

Ann, mice do not
fool that easily.

I have a feeling this
40-pound mouse of yours

doesn't think there's room enough
in this apartment for the four of us.

See, I told you he
doesn't believe me.

That was a joke.
I was only joking.

Don't you know a joke
when you hear one?

Yes, and I always happen to
know that behind every joke

is an underlying truth.

And your underlying truth hurts.

I don't even know what
my underlying truth is.

Well, I certainly think
you could accept that.

Donald, he doesn't believe me,
and he won't until he sees that mouse.

But honey, what
do you want to do?

Sit here and wait
for it to come out?

That could take
hours, days, weeks!

Fortunately,
there's another way.

Excuse me.

It's ironical,
that's what it is.

The one time I'm ready to believe
you two and forget the whole deal,

she won't believe
me. Well, Mr. Marie,

it is a little unusual to
have you on our side.

Who said I was on your side?

I only said I was
ready to believe you.

This once. I'd like to say
I appreciate your faith.

This once.

Now what? Daddy, I want
you to be completely convinced,

so I'm going to call
for professional help.

Oh, no, you don't.

You're not going to
air our family laundry

in front of one of
those "funny doctors".

That's not the kind
of help I had in mind.

[door buzzer]

Weevle Exterminators, at
your service. "We bug bugs."

We don't make gophers, beetle
bugs, gnats and ants too happy, either.

What's your problem?
It's not as serious

as anything you've
just mentioned.

But it is an emergency.

I know. I got your
call on my car radio.

Oh, hi, folks. I'm Bert Weevle.

We specialize in house calls.

Oh, this is my
father, Mr. Marie.

And this is my friend, Donald
Hollinger. And I'm Ann Marie.

Oh, I'm sorry you lugged all that
stuff up here. I'm sure you won't need it.

Well, you never can tell.
We like to be prepared.

A lot of silverfish
around this time of year.

Is that your
trouble? Oh, no, sir.

I have a mouse. A mouse?

I'll set a couple of traps, a few
pellets, and your problem's over.

Oh, I don't want to kill the
mouse. You want to take it alive?

Well, I had in mind more
that we'd just shoo it away.

You know, send
it somewhere else.

Somewhere else?

But before we do, I'd like
to see it for a few moments.

You want to see it?

Well, actually, no, I've seen
it. I want my father to see it.

A man his age, he's never
seen a mouse before?

Of course I've seen a
mouse. And I'm not that old.

I know this sounds
kind of unusual.

It's just that I'd like him to
see it, and after he's seen it,

I'd like it to find other
accommodations.

Like in a hotel, where
there are a lot of them.

Oh, not any hotel I service.

We average 10-20 a day. It's
"good-bye Charlie" to all of them.

Well, hotels may be
heartless, Mr. Weevle.

I am not.

I'd just like you to find
this particular mouse,

show it to my father,
and then take it away.

I'd explain why, but
it might sound silly.

Yeah, it might at that.

Where's the last place
you seen this mouse?

Well, it was last night. It was
right here, in front of the couch.

They usually leave some
tell-tale signs, like crumbs.

Oh, here are some.

Oh, I put those
out for the mouse.

I thought it might be hungry.

Lady, what do you want to do?

Get rid of it, or adopt it?

I just want you to find
it. I don't want it killed.

Sorry, I've got a
reputation to maintain.

How long would a kind-hearted
exterminator last in the business?

Are you saying
you won't help me?

Lady, if I found it, I'd
have to exterminate it.

But I don't want that.

Then you don't want me.

Get yourself a flute
player with a funny hat.

Thank you.

Well, that was my last
chance, and it didn't work.

So I guess there's
no resolution.

Donald, you better go back to
work. You've been away long enough.

And, uh, Daddy, give
my love to Mother.

Aren't you coming back
to Brewster with me?

Oh, what's the point? We'd
only feel uncomfortable.

Ann, I think...

Hey, uh, yeah. Listen, I'll
just put the cups and saucers

into the dishwasher... that way,
you won't have to do them later.

Oh, Donald, that's not
necessary. Oh, yes it is.

Oh? Ann, I don't
have to see the mouse.

I believe you.

Oh, Daddy, there'd
always be that doubt.

Have you forgotten how many
times I haven't believed you?

Don't they count for something?

Yes, Daddy, they count.

I suppose I should
understand that

a father has certain rights
when it comes to his daughter.

That's true.

I mean, if he has faith in her,

naturally he always jumps
to the wrong conclusions.

Naturally.

It's because he loves her that
he always believes the worst.

That's the least he can do.

Well, you show me
a suspicious man,

and I'll show you
a loving father.

How right you are.

[chuckles] Yes.

Oh, Donald, the whole
problem's been solved.

Daddy and I have come to
a complete understanding.

Oh. Then I guess you
won't be needing this.

[screaming]

Get that out of here! [screams]

[door buzzer]

Good evening. I'm calling for
my date, Mr. Donald Hollinger.

Is he here? He'll be ready in
a minute. Won't you come in?

Thank you.

Listen, honey. I appreciate
you meeting me here.

I just got home from the
office a half an hour ago...

[squeaking] [screams]

Donald?

What in the world are
you doing with that here?

Oh, listen, with your father,

who knows when we
might really need it?

Very funny!

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA